Stop Looking for That Elusive Spark

Photo of a man and woman's hands with a spark going between them, indicating that they feel sexual chemistry which does not necessarily lead to love.I recently came across a story of a woman who was in a long term relationship (several years) with a man that she described as emotionally available, kind, funny who kept her very satisfied in the bedroom.

They also have an amazing friendship.

He asked her to marry him.

She said no.

She went on to say that while she loved him very much, she knew it was never going to work out in the long term because she never felt that elusive spark.

She felt like she would be settling.

Honestly, I was stunned. I had to read it again, just to make sure I wasn't missing something.

This woman was talking about a man who she feels is her best friend. He's kind, funny, fully available and sexy, they have great sex and she loves him. He wants a commitment.

But something is missing? She feels like she'd be settling?

It was such a reminder of what settling really is and isn't.

I know this is an extreme example, and most, if not all of us would be smart enough to say “yes” to this guy and start growing old together, but the reality is that a version of this happens to so many of us all the time.

It just happens a lot sooner, typically on the first date or two.

We meet a guy who, for all intents and purposes, should be our dream guy, but we're just not feeling it.

We don't feel that chemistry, that spark. So we politely decline when he tries for date number three (sometimes even date number two).

The problem here is this belief in the all empowering spark – it's the fairy tale that we all believe we need to have in order for a relationship to turn into love.

It’s time to clarify something here that is completely misunderstood.

For this post I'll use the word spark to mean chemistry, butterflies, fireworks, that "oh wow, I can't believe he picked me" feeling that we feel with certain guys.  You know exactly what I’m talking about.

The truth is, the spark does not equal love.

In fact, the spark and love are completely unrelated.

They are two totally different things. They are like two complete strangers who happen to be at the same party.

A spark does not guarantee love any more than a sunny day means the lake water will be warm and the swimming will be great. It might happen, but it might not. If it does happen, it will be mostly a coincidence.

In fact, in my experience, the greater the spark and the faster the flame of love grows, the quicker it dies out (or even worse, gets out of control and burns everything in sight in true disaster fashion).

But, you say, my friend met her husband and they hit it off with the spark right away, and they've been in love for 15 years and she still feels the spark.

Like I said, it can happen, it's just a coincidence. It's not guaranteed to happen.

In fact, I might go as far to say that it didn't really happen. What your friend thought was a spark was actually just her ability to feel real love faster.

Some people just take longer to get to the real love. But if you get to real love in one date or one week or one year, it doesn't matter. The end result is the same – you're totally in love.

Even when people had that fiery spark in the beginning, it fades. If someone tells you that they still have that same feeling after years and years, then what they actually felt in the beginning is deep love, not a spark. They were just lucky enough to recognize it right away.

Some of us take a little while to recognize it, but that doesn't make it any less wonderful. It's still amazing love whether you recognize it when your eyes first meet or if you recognize it after dating for a while.

It's like a fire – if you have a huge pile of wood, and you douse it with gasoline, it will erupt into a huge burning bonfire almost immediately after tossing a match onto it.

But if it's not already doused with gasoline, then it might take a little while to get the kindling going, then get the larger pieces burning, until finally it's that same large bonfire. Either way, the end result is the same.

It takes time to come to this on our own.

It takes time to see that spark for what it is – and,  more importantly, for what it isn't.

But when you've had enough of everything you've been settling for in the name of that almighty spark, there’s a beautiful life and a beautiful love that’s waiting for you. You just have to see for what it really is.

Don’t be like our friend from the story and walk away from a lovely bonfire just because it started a little differently than you thought it would.

Do you have any "spark" stories to share? Tell us about it in the comments!

Comments

  1. Maris says

    Kind of men or women who search for the spark and excitement
    All the time , I think there is an emotional hunger (what I had) then .
    By that I mean you can become addicted to the
    Spark feeling, if you don't look out.

    I believe that you can love or cherish someone and feel like "that's my boo"... Without all that spark stuff.
    But why in the world must there be "spark and big music" all the time.
    Sound to me like a fairy tale!

    I felt the spark for my ex, spark all the way! And while I was all energetic and feelin good (because of the spark and attention)
    , I missed all the red flags. Because I thought , love=should feel the spark .
    Hey I didn't even look at his manners or character , as long as I was feeling that fire ...
    What I thought was endless love.

    Which now I see as a kind of stupid way of thinking and looking towards love.
    Love does not hurt, it is kind and warm. It's an energy which gives you security but at
    The same time also questions you " are you happy" . Love is something that just grows and can grow if
    You give it room.

    Spark to me sounds like a short term feeling of excitement and happiness.
    It's like going to a concert, it makes you feel woohoo and happy for a couple of hours.
    But then your back to reality....
    Sparks It can make the love grow but it can also make you blind for the truth.

    This lady that wrote you the letter does not appreciate what she has. She should!
    This man sounds worthy to love.

    I think the lady should question her own emotions and ask herself
    If she is the right women which he can love and cherish? Is she ready for that kind of love
    From this man?

    I pray that I go through what I must to learn and see , so when my man comes
    I will be able to love him the right way.
    And your kind of man sound good haha :)

    • Jane says

      You summarized this all so beautifully, Maris. The realities, the feelings, the questions, the things we miss when we get so caught up in what we think matters more than anything. Only to find that there's so much more that matters so much more!

      And know that you will, Maris; when it all falls into place, when it all comes together, it's because the timing is right, the people are right, and you get all this and what it means to settle - and what it doesn't. You'll know - and so will he! :)

    • Crystal says

      I really appreciate you writing that note.

      I was in an over five year relationship that ended very abruptly, out of the blue, last summer. Since then, I have met an amazing man who is everything I have ever wanted, but here is the caviat, he lives another country away. We met via social media, became best friends, that turned into romance even from over 15,000 miles away. I have only seen him twice physically and miss that physical connect so much.

      Back to your message and my correlation, I felt such a spark with my ex for those 5 years but I, like you, was blinded to the realities of the relationship. Looking back, he was terrible to and for me, in most every way.

      Now I'm with the man I have always wanted but I'm missing that spark or "head over heels" feeling I had before. I do believe I can get it when I am with him physically again, but it's just so hard. I miss him and long for him.

      Guess maybe I'm so scared of being hurt that I'm putting up my own barriers?

      What do you think?

  2. Courtney says

    In 2009 my x asked me out n I said yes by accidentally but I knew I had to say no. There was a bit of spark then n on 11/5/10 I broke the r-ship off bcoz I didn't feel a spark n stopped loving him bcoz he was dirty and did bad things but were on the same page.

    The last guy I liked that ended the friendship a few months ago. When I talked to him he was nice n when I was thinking about him I could see sparks happening even in my dreams. He didn't see sparks happening. All I dream about is fantasy on me n the guy. I sometimes call myself a dreamer.

    • Jane says

      It's the reality that matters more than anything else, Courtney. It's a beautiful thing to be a dreamer; don't change that part of you! But make sure you can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. We can live far too much of our lives living in the fantasy of what we so want a relationship - and a person - to be, while the reality of our lives goes on without us. Take the time to do those reality checks for yourself; you don't deserve to be hurt by what a true reality check always sees.

  3. Robin Nieman says

    I met my best friend in June o 2012. We became friends right away. We spent almost every day together with his 2 great daughters. In Oct. We started fwb. The sex was great. I moved in with him in Dec. and for the next year and a half; we went through several crisis's with his cancer and other health issues. I fell in love with him. When he felt better he felt smothered. Wanted to play the field. We still spent almost every day together.. he asked me to be his gf. I said yes and after a week wanted to break up; so I left. He wanted me to still be friends. I said too hard but agreed to the breakup. We text now on and off; but we cancelled our trio to disneyworld and Tennessee. Broke my heart but did not think I could pull off the friend thing. He is going to need back surgery. We have been there for each other. He helped me realize over the 2 1/2 years that I am special. We feel good around each other. The sex was amazing until I said no. A week ago. The spark was faint and grew over time to we just fit. Don't know if he will come around to want to be with me as gf. But dont think i can settle for less. We still call each other our pet names and he still calls and does his chimpamzee love soothing sounds for me. I will just have to wait to see if he still feels like i do.

    • Jane says

      Your inner strength comes through here so beautifully, Robin. You can see the reality of your relationship - of where he is and where you are - and as much as it broke your heart, you realized what you were willing and were not willing to settle for to be with him. Whether he comes around or not, you know who you are and what you deserve. It's always about that choice; that personal decision of what matters most to us, and what we need.

      It's a wonderful thing to be friends first, to build your relationship over time. But as you've found out, it's always about being on the same page and wanting the same level of commitment in a relationship. This isn't about you; he's going to do what he wants to do. And you have to be true to yourself about what you can and can't live with. Whatever he does, keep living your own life, Robin. You're not here to convince anyone of why he should want to be with you; if he's truly right for you, he'll know. And so will you.

  4. Sky11 says

    I dont know about this article. I mean, I agree that the woman was kinda nuts for turning him down, but the real thing on my mind was why was she spending years with somebody she didn't feel something for? It sounds like she knew she wasn't in love with him, and just trying to force it because it seemed like a good fit on paper.

    I can't imagine love without that spark. What is love without that little shot of magic to make you come alive and bring your gray world back into color? I mean, without that, I do feel like you are just settling. What is the point of spending all that time with somebody when there is no true attraction? This article makes it sound like you are reducing love to a simple friendship. Well then, of course "love" is easy to find if all you are looking for is a friend to raise a child with. But for many of us, there is more to it than that.

    You talk about that huge bonfire, and mention it can be built slowly or quickly. Yes, of course. But what starts that very fire in the first place? A SPARK. Sure, the spark alone may not be enough on its own to get that fire roaring. . But without that spark you got nothing. True love may be a big roaring fire. True love may be a long slow deep burn. But it needs to start with that spark, otherwise you just have two friends and a big pile of unburned wood.

    • Jane says

      I hear what you're saying here, Sky, and it's so true that we all have to decide for ourselves what settling is and isn't. You're the only one who knows what that looks like to you, but if it's a committed relationship with someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same type of relationship as you, when you make that spark the only thing that matters, it's hard not to find yourself settling in so many other ways.

      There's always a reason we find that spark all too often with someone who isn't good for us, as much as we don't want to believe it at the time. When we blind ourselves to all the other things that aren't there, all the other things that we excuse or gloss over or pretend will get better simply because we're living for that spark, we miss the whole point of what true love really is. It's so many things; and it's so much more than just that spark.

      Don't limit yourself; there's a whole real love out there ready to find you if you're open to something more.

  5. Theresa says

    Jane,
    This article hits home right now. I agree with the statement "the quicker the flame lights up, the quicker it goes out.." I recently met someone and we had undeniable chemistry right off the bat.. We've been in contact over the past month and have seen each other about 3 times.. so although there was a definite spark, it's going pretty slow. The only problem is he lives in the city, and I in the suburbs. I have so much fun with him, but I agree it's important to keep in check that love is a separate entity... It just feels so confusing because we have the best time together, but we don't keep in steady contact.. Is it wise to see this through? I've been initiating the contact mostly, but he seems to respond right away.. I know he's just as much a romantic as myself and is definitely into me.. wish he would show it first though!

    • Jane says

      It's all about what you can live with, Theresa. What you're getting from him in terms of steady contact is obviously what he's comfortable with - for his own reasons that have nothing to do with you - so if it seems slow or he isn't doing much of the initiating, it's because this is what feels most comfortable to him. If you can remember that it takes time to really get to know someone and fill the time in between him with the rest of your life, then you'll probably be more on the same page here.

      But if you want more than this and aren't able to keep this slow pace comfortably for yourself without feeling like you're missing something, then see what happens if you stop doing the initiating. Does he pick up the slack you create and start doing the initiating himself? Does he fill in that space by coming closer to you? Or does he let that space stay the same and the slack remain the way it is without you making all the moves? That's how you'll know more than anything; by his actions more than his words. It's always easy for someone to respond; it requires much more of a commitment and a personal investment to reach out and initiate for himself.

      It's as wise as it feels to you, Theresa. If a relationship is meant to be, it will be. But only if you have two people on the same page, who want the same thing and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Trust your gut instinct, trust yourself. Those little red flags that come up are clues for you to figure out what you need to do for you. No matter what it seems like, deep down, you always know.

  6. Alex says

    So this seems contradictory to me: we keep hearing that if he doesn't "feel it" then he's not the right one and we need to recognize that but this seems to be saying just because I don't "feel it" doesn't mean there's nothing there. My last guy said he was hoping that desire would grow but it just hadn't - although we enjoyed a lot of the same things and had a good time together - and everything I hear says that that fire just has to be there and if it's not then it's because he's not in the right place (or something) - I had plenty of spark in that case but he didn't. Now in this example the guy feels the spark but she doesn't and we're hearing that she should recognize a good thing and not throw it away - is this as much of a double standard or contradiction as it seems like to me (or am I just being thick?)? Maybe I'm the only undesirable reject.

    • Jane says

      I hear what you're saying Alex, and no, you're not just being "thick" – this is a difficult concept for many of us to grasp - myself included! And let me also say that you are absolutely not an "undesirable reject"! In fact, you're the complete opposite – you are amazingly desirable – for the guy that's right for you! This last guy just wasn't the right one for you.

      I want to make an important distinction here – because I think this is where so many of us get hung up on this – there's a big difference between being attracted to someone, which is very important, and feeling that "spark", or "butterflies" or "fireworks", which, at best, is a very short term excitement, and at worst is a sign that you should actually be avoiding the relationship because there's some anxiety or other emotional problem that's causing these feelings of what many people believe are just a mixture of nervousness and anxiety.

      Typically, if we look honestly at ourselves, the reason we feel butterflies or fireworks comes down to something like "OMG, he's so out of my league, I can't believe he's dating me" or "I like him so much, I can't blow it with him" or some other fear or insecurity.

      To put this in perspective, imagine you were 100% confident that you could pick out any guy that you wanted and he would be madly in love with you. You absolutely knew, without a doubt, that every single guy out there would simply jump at the chance to be with you – that it was completely your decision as to who you wanted to pick. Would you still feel butterflies or fireworks? I'm sure you wouldn't.

      You would simply meet guys and, knowing that they were all hoping for the chance to love you and make you happy, you would then spend time with each one evaluating whether or not they met YOUR standards. You would decide who you were going to spend the rest of your life with based purely on who met YOUR criteria. Being attracted to him would, of course, be part of those criteria, but it would only be one piece of it. You would also look at things like kindness, intelligence, integrity, etc. But you would never have that sense of nervousness – because him loving you wholeheartedly would be a given. He was standing in line with all of the other guys just to have a chance at being with you. When you think of it like this, it's hard to argue that what we refer to as "spark" is anything more than insecurity and anxiety in disguise.

      Now, back to the woman in our story (which, by the way, was something I read on another blog a while back – this was not from one of our readers). She admits to having great sex, which tells me that there must be at least some level of attraction. So if she's sexually attracted to him, best friends with him, he's emotionally available, kind and wants a commitment, then what's left to define as "spark"? There are many reasons she might think their relationship is lacking spark – but they all have to do with her own emotional issues. Most likely, deep down inside, she believes she's unworthy of love for one reason or another, and so anyone that loves her must not be any good themselves - this is one of the most common issues that causes us to self-sabotage our love lives.

      All too many of us do this very same thing to varying degrees. We don't want the "nice guy" who's open about his love for us and wants to make us happy - instead we go for the "bad boy" who treats us like something disposable, which makes us want him even more – and makes us feel this so-called spark even more! It's truly mind-boggling when you think about it, and I know because I've been there too.

      To your point about this being a double standard, I would say that it's not a double standard at all – I would give men the exact same advice.
      The difference is that you can't change what he does – you can only change what YOU do. So if he's making the choice to walk away because he doesn't think he's feeling the spark, there's not a whole lot you can do, with the exception of walking away and staying away and hoping that he then feels that sense of loss and wants to win you back. That may be what he feels is spark. But if you can't do this authentically, as I talked about in my post about being hard to get, not playing hard to get, then it's just a game and won't be sustainable.

      I hope this helps clarify this article for you,Alex. Know that you are absolutely perfect just the way you are and when you do meet the right guy, you'll be attracted to him, he'll be attracted to you, and you'll know it's right. Maybe not by those butterflies but by everything else that matters.

  7. Alva says

    HI, thank you for this awesome post and all great comments...I´ve been writing you before and I´m STILL suffering from the hangover of that "relationship" ( I wrote a post in october under He just wants to be friend) . I never felt that kind of spark as for this man before and in combination with my fair of letting that go and his selfish way of using my attention let me to just recently decide me do walk away. That is the hardest thing I have ever done before , because that spark, that crazy feeling that you would do anything, I did anything and everything, to hold on to that feeling is overwhelming and addictive and obsessive and the hormones going around in your body makes you believe it is love. I have now started to think that maybe those feelings are just the contrary, signs of badness and maybe they should be taken as warning signs and nothing else? But it also makes me sad, I really want to believe it would be posible to combine real love AND those feelings. Then when I feel bad I hear what you are saying and believe in it, it IS posible, but until you find it you don't know right...a friendship that grows to love and you realise it is the biggest bon fire you ever lived before, a spark on a first date that does not continue with tears and suffer but just smooth and clear..I want to believe in that ...cause of cause, love must contain fire..after all, thats what distinguish friendship and love right? Back to my situation..I am still suffering cause I decided to walk away and let all my time of waiting for this guy now come out of my body as tears, as pain..its liberating but also extremely painful but would just hurt more for every week I postponed the mouring for a spark that wasn't let to be love. What hurts me so much more is that he HAS that love already, in his girlfriend..and I hear his words when he describes his love for her, like you say, a burning breathtaking feeling that is so deep..and what he felt for me was puppy love and he could not let that grow cause than his girlfriends would disagree ( sure babe, how couldn't see...). It just really hurts to feel that huge spark for someone and wanting to let that grow and the fact that the man also feels it but chose to walk away from it cause he has got REAL love...it still makes me wanna vomit. I have started to see a psychologist for this issue..this guy walked into my life, f***** me over, over and over and walks away without a scratch and I end up and the scrynch having hard times every day...I try to see this as something I will walk out of stronger than ever before and also to be able to know when the spark is just a little devil...

    • Jane says

      I so hear your struggle here, Alva. On the one hand, you're seeing this so much more clearly; that all those huge sparks were red flags and warning signs like I talk about in response to another comment on this subject here. That you need to have the real things, not just those sparks, in order to make a real relationship work. It wasn't you; this wasn't at all about you and what you weren't or couldn't be that someone else was. This is simply a reality check that you weren't able to see for yourself when you were in it, that that guy wasn't right for you, and you could never have been happy with him in the long run if it had continued.

      I know firsthand how good we are at telling ourselves a different story, on getting ourselves to believe that if only we had done something different, if only we had been more than what we were, that we could have had a different outcome, that fairytale, that false happily ever after that can never come from being with someone who isn't on your page, that isn't right for you, no matter how much we fight that reality and try to make it something else.

      We do so much damage to ourselves when we don't see it for what it is, and we let all those other things - the feelings, the what ifs, the if onlys - and most of all, the harsh treatment of our beautiful selves, get in the way of what is only a gift of being saved from any more heartbreak than we've already been through. Of course it hurts to hear that he's found this with someone else, but don't take any of that on yourself. This isn't about you. This is about him. When you're with someone who's truly right for you, he will love you like you've never been loved before. It won't be with the same level of intensity in terms of that illusive spark that has so little to do with real love, but it will be better and more real than anything you've ever felt before.

      Be so proud of yourself, Alva, for getting the help you need to get through this, for being open to seeing what can be so hard to hear, for giving yourself the chance at a whole new life and a whole new kind of love that starts with a choice to do something different to get a different result next time. You can do this - you're already seeing this so much more clearly! - and it is truly beautiful to see you putting into words the very questions that will get you to the other side simply by being courageous enough to ask them of yourself. Beautiful, Alva, keep pushing through. You're worth so much more than what you've had! So much more!

  8. Jackie Morrison says

    There is a big difference between compatibility and chemistry. Sparks are chemistry and misleading. Comparability is more about how well matched people are by personality, temperament, etc and a better benchmark for long-term success and satisfaction.

      • Jackie Morrison says

        The spark is a chemical reaction and not all sparks become a flame. Compatibility is distinct from chemical and more likely to cause an enduring flame. Fires rise from a smoldering of embers after all. Most often a spark is like a sugar rush - short and sweet but rarely forever.

  9. Gender Envoy says

    "No spark" is just a euphemistic way of saying that she isn't physically attracted to the poor guy. Its good that she is not making a commitment to him. Better to end it now with honesty and candour.

    • Jane says

      I might have thought that too, however the woman in our story says that they enjoy great sex together, which tells me that she must by physically attracted to him - at least somewhat - and that they have some level of sexual chemistry.

  10. Alva says

    Thanks Jane! This is my hardest struggling ever but I have accepted it and will be fine, but it will take some time. It was the first time I opened up for anyone, the first guy that told me that he was in love with me, and it takes time to come over the first "love" right.That it happened when Im about to be 30 and have my body pumped with hormones and will to find someone didn't easy it..So, I´d like to conclude the things we written, and I think it is like you previously said, each one of us has to decide when it is right for her and it is not really possible for us to judge or advice someone if their relationship is "the right one". But I do believe, truly, that when it is right, we will not doubt anymore. We are all here because we have a hard time accepting, but deep down we know it, that this time it was not right. Otherwise we would not be here trying to find answers and truths. When its right, everything will be right and there will be no doubt whether he is the one or not..it will simply be ..right.

  11. Desiree says

    Jane,
    As a seventeen year old girl, I watched romance movies about couples finding each other, and eventually feeling the spark. Sometimes I would imagine feeling a spark from a special someone knowing that maybe he is the one for the future. I try imaging what sex would be like for me, but for some reason, I can't picture it for some reason, even when I masturbate. I feel that maybe it's my "estrogen drive" that's already dead. I can't picture myself having sex. I feel like their is something stopping me from those thoughts that my inner self wants to dive into. I am a Christian, and I know that lust is one of the seven deadly sins, but I'd like to imagine what kind of guy would turn me on, make me orgasm, touch every part of my body. Oh god, I want to have sex so bad! I am a virgin, and I'm trying to wait until marriage, but maybe I should lose my virginity if I want to have sex that bad. I fear that I won't be good in bed because I've never had first on experience of being in bed with someone. I fear that when I'm married, my future husband will leave me because I can't perform well in bed and I'll start blaming myself. I also fear that if I have sex when I'm married that my husband would pass out and die, leaving me to blame myself, and not even forgive myself thinking maybe if we didn't make love, he'd still be alive. I fantasize myself single, and uninterested in men, but then develop a craving for wanting to be and feel loved, and eventually have sex. I am still a virgin, but think maybe I should lose my virginity. What do you think? Please help.

  12. Desiree says

    Jane, sometimes I question when I'll lose my virginity. Will I enjoy it? Or will I hate it? I fear that when I have sex, I'll be too shy to orgasm and enjoy sex, and then my future husband will possibly leave me. Help me Jane.

    • Jane says

      Don't worry about the details, Desiree. When you're with someone who you're truly compatible with - who's right for you - everything will fall into place. If you take your time to really get to know someone before committing to him to make sure you're both on the same page, you won't have to worry about him leaving you.

  13. me says

    Ok, this spark thing...Personally, I think it is the biggest mistake people can make chasing it. Its simply that feeling of butterflies in the stomach, that buzz of the cell and you say 'ooh is that him/her', etc. It has nothing to do with love, romance, friendship, companionship or relationships. Its quite simply to do with that 'butterfly' feeling. It has no real foundation for building a real relationship, as you don't even know the person at all when you feel it. Movies, songs, over excitement, emotions running high...yeah its all to do with that 'oh my god, I cant believe he/she likes me too' thing. Have I felt it it..yeah I have. It almost never, ever works out for many, many reasons.
    It is unhealthy to chase it and its very unwise to not be in a relationship with someone you are attracted to, is good for you just because those sparks are not there. I know loads of single people, well into their 40s/50s because they chase spark after spark, and all because they have been told by a couple that did have it, its supposed to be that way. Honestly, its almost like a myth that was generated by novels, tv, movies, pop artists which has somehow turned into urban legend. People are breaking up over it, because its gone, or wasn't there. If you believe in it, then you go chasing it. I am in a a loving relationship with a wonderful woman who I love and lust after. Did I feel that 'spark' those 'butterfies', no I didn't. Do I want other women? Nope, because I love the one im with. People definitely can over think, over analyse and definitely make stupid decisions just because they really cant think for themselves about what a real, true relationship is and that getting to know someone takes time, effort and romance, passion and love can follow but only if your a romantic, passionate person. If you are still single and dating loads of people, why don't you get to know your self truly first and figure out what's important in your life. Or not, keep hunting for that spark just because someone told you they found a great person with sparks etc.

  14. J says

    Hi Jane,

    I am with this guy for 2 months now, we know each other for close to 2 years but we weren't close, just normal friends or less, for 10 months in between because I rejected him the first time he asked me. After 10 months, i decided maybe we should try it out because he is a nice guy and really likes me. and i think i felt lonely. He confessed to me again and i accepted it. However, i don't feel the spark, i don't 'want' him. I don't feel excited or particularly happy to see him too. I feel like we are more like close friends than in a relationship. What should i do? Wait and see if i will grow to like him more or just let him go now? I am confused... and i feel bad to keep thinking of this while with him...

    Please help me, thank you.

    J

    • Jane says

      Are you at least attracted to him on some level? There's a huge difference between being at all attracted to someone and feeling that "spark". There has to be something there for you to continue to go out with him, but that something will be different for everyone. If he has the qualities you're looking for in a guy, J, and there's some kind of an attraction on your part to something about him, I would definitely give yourself a chance to get to know more about him in a relationship setting.

      I would take a closer look at what it means to you to "want" someone and what you're calling "feeling the spark" and see if these are more culturally driven by what we're told through the media we "should" be looking for, or if these are things that you're looking for that will make you happy in the long-term, in a real relationship where there is so much more to experience than just a short-lived spark.

      • J says

        Thank you for replying!!

        He is a nice person, but we are quite different, and he doesn't know me well... Many times I just want someone to be beside me and comfort me, but he doesn't. He is also quite immature at times. This makes me not want to share my feelings with him because he just doesn't understand. There was once i cried due to stress and instead of comforting me, his response upon knowing was that i "wasted time".

        I want a soulmate, someone who knows me... Honestly, I can't say that i know him very well too, i can only say he is not meeting my expectations. I do wonder if i am too selfish to set expectations.

        J

        • Angel says

          Hi, J.
          I will suggest something I am also trying to do.
          Sit down, grab a piece of paper and pen. If you can meditate, do it. Get to peaceful and then start thinking of what you need in a partner and what you want. Be as clear as possible and start writing the two columns. Always write in positive. And no, you won't be able to finish this in one sitting lol.
          Place priority of the character of the person , not the physicality. Think of things you absolutely need, deal breakers.
          Then, after you do that, you will have a clear idea of who you need to date based on the list. If your current boy doesn't fit your list, that means he's not it.
          Be as neutral as possible while writing your list: don't twist it into looking like someone you know. Also, try to get to the bottom of why you need whatever you decide you need. For example: if you write something like "he must have a PhD" then start thinking: why is this important to me?`If your answer were something like: "because I want someone who's very smart", then ask yourself: Are people with PhD's the only people who are smart? The answer will be no. So you know that you need smart. Then go on asking: why is this important to me? And get to the root. That way you won't limit yourself with things that are unnecessary for your happiness.
          I hope the suggestion helps.

  15. over_under says

    I'm kinda going through a "spark" issue with a girl I've been seeing for a little over a month. We went on one "date." She decided to just go out as "friends." We did that. However, the 3rd date I wanted to kiss her. I asked her "do friends kiss?" Well, we did. The next day, she met me at my apartment to tell me she wanted to dial it back but during that same visit, we snuggled, hugged and was physical (no sex). She came over a couple of times during the week and we did the same thing, snuggling/hugging but no kissing. Valentine's Day we had dinner watched two movies and made out for hours (again, no sex). The next day she says she just doesn't feel a spark and all the physical touch felt good but it was because she hadn't been with anyone in a year 1/2.

    Here's a little back story about us. I'm (40) recently divorced (first week of December 2014). She's (38) been divorced 4 years. I have a 15 year old son. She has 12 and 14 year old sons. I think about her all the time and would totally allow myself to fall in love with her when the time is right. I want to take care of her and her children one day. I am totally attracted to her and I think it's safe to say she's attracted to me. It's just this whole "I don't feel a spark" think she's telling me. I tried to just let it go bu the truth is, I don't want a relationship with another women. We have so much in common and we enjoy each others company. My heart wants this so bad to work.

    • Eric says

      Hey there,

      Let me tell you a story about what happened to me. Last June, a woman that I'd been dating told me that she wanted to call things off with me because she did not feel like she could be physically intimate with me. I begged, I pleaded and I confessed my strong love for her and said that we should give it a second chance. And we did. We even took an amazing trip to France together. And again in early September of last year she called me up and asked me if I felt there was any point in being together with somebody if there was no physical intimacy. I said I agreed that there would be no point to such a relationship.

      Fast forward to today: She and I have a great relationship and can easily refer to one another as being boyfriend and girlfriend.

      What I will say is to not give up all hope. As Jane is often fond of saying, and rightfully so, is that if this relationship that you are in is meant to be, you can not do anything to make it go wrong because the other person will want to be with you as much as you with them.

      The biggest thing is to remember to not put them on a pedestal, live your own life and fill it with doing all the things that interest you and to just stay in the present and things will come along as they are meant to be. Much like yourself, we were making out early on in the beginning but by the time we broke up the first time around in June most of that had dropped to the point of being non-existent and by the time September rolled around it was definitely gone but on a very slow incline towards making a return.

      Try to focus on staying in the moment and let things occur. The biggest thing that made a difference for me was if I had to stop and think about something I might say or do and what her reaction might be, then I knew not do it or say it.

      All the things that you want to have be an end result will happen in due course. I wanted this woman to be my girlfriend and you know what, a little less than a year it became a reality. And the fact is, nothing is really different between the two of us now except that we are indeed being physically intimate but for the most part, things are much as they were back in the early days. You just need to let things unwind and progress in their own way. And if things should not turn out the way you'd like them too, don't take it personally. That's important. Its just a story about you and her creating your own story together and seeing if you're both on the same page with one another on being with each other, your views on where you want dating to go and how to get there.

      Here's to hoping you find happiness with this woman and remember to most importantly stay in the present and let things take their own course. And if you're still in doubt and she's as important to you as you say she is, I would strongly urge you to consider working with Jane as she's had my back since last June and has really helped me work things out along the way.

      Take care.
      Eric

      • over_under says

        Thank you Eric. The comment "Try to focus on staying in the moment and let things occur" really makes sense. I'll try not to rush things. Also, "not put them on a pedestal" is another one I'm trying to work on. Thank you again for your reply.

  16. Brett says

    Great read, and thank you!

    This really resonated with me. As of yesterday, this girl I've been seeing for the past two months called it off and described not having this certain "feeling" or "spark anymore". Let me explain:

    We started dating back in late January of this year. We both lived in different cities so we only really saw each other once a week, maybe twice. When we started dating, there was chemistry there between us. We just got each other and understood each other, our sense of humour clicked, and it was as if we saw eye to eye with things. She even drove to see me one day despite living out of town an hour and a half away even when I had to work at 5oclock. I was planning on moving down to where she lived for other reasons with school, and finally I made the move on March 1st. We spent that whole first week together, had great days, casual days, did random fun things together, like as if it we're boyfriend and girlfriend. By second week of march we began getting closer and more intimate. I could tell there was something more here just off our reactions together, how we were spending time, etc.

    We had a chat about exclusivity and how we're only interested in seeing each other. At this point in our relationship we felt great communicating about this and things have been going smoothly. Things have been remaining as they have been: going on random outings, her coming over watching movies, random drives, just spending time with each other. At this point I'd consider us in a casual relationship but we decided to only see each other.

    Then just yesterday she asks me if I was around and wanted to come over to have a talk. She did, and just as I thought in the back of my mind, she called it off. Apparently over the past 2-3 weeks she didn't have the feeling of always wanting to be around me or wanting to hear from me. She guessed by this point it would have advanced more with how she felt about me but didn't. Yet she mentioned to me she wanted to take things slow... Specifically it was something about not having this "feeling" over the past couple weeks of wanting to be with me in every waking second.

    We're meeting up tomorrow to have a more in depth conversation with all this. But if you were to ask me did you see any red flags at all, I absolutely did not. Things were going normal, and our times together were subtle yet it felt right. Things felt right being with her. It felt right kissing her, it felt right being in her presence holding her hand, etc.

    I'm so lost and confused and been trying to make sense of this but I just... don't know.

    I guess any insight would be much appreciated. I just can't figure this out...

    • Jane says

      It sounds like it got all too real for her sometime after you moved down closer to where she lived, Brett, and she found out what her comfort level is when it comes to her need for space. This is about her and not you. The very best thing you can do for both of you is to give her the space she's looking for without taking any of this personally. She's doing what works for her. She probably doesn't even know what's going on, but something about your being available to her now in a very real way in terms of proximity, is triggering her. If you can take that step back and shift the focus away from her - and away from you and her - to just you, that will give her the space she's looking for so she can figure out more about what's going on for her. But she has to want to. It can be so much easier for some to simply walk away without looking within or at what's really going on behind what she's feeling. Let her do that without you - this is her own work to do if she wants to.

      But above all else, this has to work for you. If you don't want to give her space or can't live with giving her space while you feel the way you do about her, then you have to ask yourself if you're both really on the same page here. You've only known her a few months; it's hard to tell if someone's truly on the same page as you in that short of time. Take what she says and does to you solely as more information in the process of getting to know her better. Take the emotional part out of it and see the reality of who she actually is and whether she can give you what you're looking for in a relationship. This has to work for you as much as it works for her, and there is no substitute for time when it comes to getting to know someone well enough to know if it does.

  17. Dwyane says

    Hi there
    I stumbled across this by accident while doing some research on this subject on “spark”. I was with this girl for about one and a half years. We hung out for a long time since March 2013. We both have been relationships previously that involved sex, but decided that we will not have sex due to our Christian beliefs. She is 31 and I am in my mid 40’s. Age was an issue initially, but she was ok with it or that is what it appeared to me. I look at lot younger for my age, got brown skin. Anyway, we hung out for months and I treated her like a princess. We kissed and cuddled but did not have sex. I am financially secure, ready to settle down, fit and very active. I am a 400 meter runner and also work out every day. I look and feel great, sing in a Soul/R&B band with a great personality and have loads of mates. I said that I would like to take the friendship to the next level in August 2013, but she said “don’t wait for me, I am not sure, I don’t feel anything etc etc, but was happy to hang out as mates. But we continued to hang out as friends. She had been hurt badly many times so understandably careful. I watched movies at her place over take-away, but she was not committed to me. It was always me chasing her, one-sided I guess

    Anyway in July this year, she said, she wanted to give it a “go” and said I am a nice guy, have a great story about my life and a go-getter etc etc. I must admit she has dated yobbo, tradies, and beach boys before. All the badies, which obviously have not worked out. She visited my parents and I did the same for her. She introduced me to her mates and we went to their parties as a couple. So this was part of “giving it a go”. She picked me up from work every night. Her family including sisters and mates, thought that I was nice, but compared to the ones she has dated too nice and placid and she would wrap me around her finger. We went overseas in October on a hike/walk with another couple for about a month. It tested the relationship. We argued heatedly and sometimes did not talk, but at other times it was good. This was no ordinary trip, with walking about 25km a day sometimes in hot sun and at other times cold/rainy days. We walked from one country to another. I went on the trip to be with her, although it was not my cup of tea. I loved her soooooo freaking deeply. I would do anything for her. I repeatedly told her that I love you, but she was like I am not in the same page etc.

    When we came back, she pulled the plug saying ‘I thought that by going overseas and being with you 24/7 would light that “spark”, be on the same page, have that “feeling” etc etc, but nothing. Even on the day we broke up (officially), we went back to her place with take away and kissed and cuddled on the couch. She said that it feels like an electricity circuit with all connections, but the switch is not on. We both have the same values and get on well at most times and we love kids would love to have them one day. She even said you will be a good Dad. So where am I now? I have cut all communication, not seen her for about two months and she has not contacted me either. I am hurting and still madly in love with her. But there is nothing I can do. What do you think? Should I wait or move on?

    • over_under says

      Man, I feel you. You almost sound like me to a T. Anyways, I've pretty much just let it go. I still think about the girl I was involved with when I first posted my response but we barely speak now. It's hard because I had strong feelings for her and it seemed mutual. However, she dropped the whole "spark" thing on me even though she liked to kiss and cuddle. It was very confusing emotionally. She later came out and apologized because she hadn't been with a guy in a year and a half. She was using me, in a way, to get some cuddle time in that she wasn't getting elsewhere. So bottom line, I'd just let it go. I don't know the girl you speak of but I get the sense she's not ready to settle down yet. You're "established" and I'm not sure if she's ready for that. Who knows? Best wishes. I know it sucks. Trust me.

      • Jane says

        Thank you, over_under, for adding your insight here. When you've been there, you understand all too well.

    • Eric says

      Hi Dwayne,

      First thing, take your power back. Reframe the question. It really should be, "Do I choose to want to stay with somebody who has clearly indicated no desire to evolve the relationship with me." If I were in your shoes, I'd say move on since you're not both on the same page with one another as to who each of you wants to be with and that is not a winning proposition at all.

      Second, do NOT take this personally. As humans, it's all about "us" and our egos. Otherwise we would not use adjectives like good looking, how muscular or how pretty we are, hour income, none that would matter nor is it worth a damn. It really isn't and you should let your ego get the better of you. You are simply two people that are not on the same page with one another. No more, no less.

      Third, go out, continue to do the things that interest you, continue to date and while you're doing so, remember that it's not about coming to a mutual decision to define what it is that the two of you should be but rather it'll be two people getting to know one another and how compatible they are with each other. And when you've solidified things as being a couple, you will know, trust me. You'll find each other naturally spending more time with one another and you won't have to go through the motions with bad programming and doing something like have a conversation where you put her in an awkward position (or vice versa) of one asking the other, "So, are we a couple or So, are we boyfriend and girlfriend?" or anything like that. None of that matters, it really does not. Just take it one day at a time and trust that the person you meet truly is the person you're supposed to be with, you will arrive where you want to be in good time without having to force anything. Make sense?

      Last thing, keep your life busy with all that you like to do so that you will naturally be busy and not trying to play any immature and contrived games by the so-called "rules of dating" whereby you're trying to manipulate the other person by doing actions that are meant to trigger a certain response you're looking for from the other. Just don't go down that path.

      I wish you well and hope that this make sense. Otherwise I'm sure Jane will add to the conversation string.

      • Dwyane says

        Thanks over_under and Eric for your replies. It is amazing to see it from someone who has experienced it for themselves. I am struggling like crazy, trying to see what she may or may not be doing, like probably looking for a guy. But I have no control over it. But I know this will pass. She was not emotionally attached to me, so she can start dating again like straight away. I know she is looking, but that sucks as I invested two years and an overseas trip. But I'd rather know now than five or six years down the track if kids are involved. Thanks again.

      • Jane says

        Thank you for this, Eric. You've said so much here that's helpful to not just Dwayne, but anyone who finds themselves in this position.

    • Jane says

      I would believe her when she tells you she's not on the same page as you, Dwayne. This is all about her, not you. Don't take any of this personally. There's nothing wrong with you, she's just looking for something that she thinks she'll know when she experiences it, but she probably doesn't even know what it is. Does waiting work for her? Does moving on work for you? Does some combination of both work for you? You can't change her; you can simply be yourself and let her be herself. But doing what works for her won't work if it doesn't work for you. You're the one doing the choosing here, and if what she's capable of giving you - and what she isn't - is enough for you, then you have your answer. If it isn't, then you also have your answer. Ask yourself what you're madly in love with about her - is it something real? Or only a fantasy? You deserve real, Dwayne. That's what a real life relationship that goes the distance is built on. No matter who she is.

  18. Dwyane says

    Hi Jane, thanks for your thoughtful reply. Makes sense, especially, where you say "she does not know what it is", but probably will know when she meets him. It is devastating after investing so much into it. But I have realised and you have just confirmed that I need to be who I am and who ever is with me, needs to accept me that way.

    Thanks so much again.

    • Jane says

      You're welcome, Dwyane. The reality with someone like this is that since it's only a feeling that they're basing "how they'll know" on, they often don't find something real since real is so much more than a feeling.

  19. Bobby says

    Interesting. Think about this, yes the spark does not equal love. But love does not require the container of an intimate relationship either. I don't view single status as a problem. It's been my experience that the spark usually points to a deeper connection, it's usually something like an apparent flash of the mirror where we see ourselves in the other person. If that isn't there, a relationship tends to be a flat, codependent charade. This is just my experience. Human connection happens at many levels, and in many contexts. I think we look to the romantic relationship as the ultimate model of human connection, to the extent of taking the same approach to dating as a we take in our career paths.

    The spark IS elusive, beautiful, real and special, and something to wait for. A romantic relationship is not necessary to have human connection and be happy.

    • Jane says

      So true, Bobby. Thanks for adding your thoughts to the conversation. We absolutely can find our own spark in so many things, within ourselves, within our lives, when we come to see it for what it truly is - and what it isn't.

  20. Sam says

    I love this!
    I'm not long back from a first "date". We've been talking for a few weeks constantly but met through a friend a few years ago, and until recently I was involved with someone else. Not that I'm single I got in contact. As soon as we started texting back and forth it was clear we shared the same sense of humour etc. Today we met in a coffee shop, had a drink then spent the next 5 hours wandering around the park, as soon as we started talking we just didn't stop, it was the most comfortable I've ever felt with someone new, like skipping all the awkward dating stage and getting right to the comfortable stage. I didn't feel a spark as such when I seen him walk towards me today, just pure happiness that I was going to spend the day with him. At first I was worried that it was because I wasn't attracted to him but I am! After reading this article I am certain that real life relationships mean more to me than a spark and excitement of a relationship that maybe isn't going anywhere! Thank you

    • Jane says

      Exactly, Sam! It's what so many of us discover this along the way - and I love hearing from you when you do. So glad this post resonated so much with you!

  21. lynn says

    For those contemplating a relationship that lacks a "spark" I have a somewhat different perspective on this . I'm married and in my late 40s.
    I married young to my first husband. There was alot of spark in our relationship but it slowly and insidiously became emotionally and physically abusive. We divorced and
    I remained a single mom for 7 years. I had a handful relationships. Spark seemed to equal big red flag!

    I met my current husband through a blind date. He struck me as the kindest, most considerate and thoughtful man I had ever met. Ten years later I still feel the same.
    The problem is that I've never felt that "spark". We have a great emotional connection but I haven't felt a physical attraction all of these years. I have never been able to reconcile the incongruence between him being the man of my dreams and my lack of physical attraction. He has been a great husband and a great father and by all appearances we have a great relationship.
    The reality however, is quite different. We get along great and do quite a wonderful job with our home/family responsibilities. I like to snuggle and hold hands but kissing and sex is very difficult for me due to
    Lack of physical attraction.
    This is such a difficult situation. I love and adore him with all my heart and by nature I am a very sensual and passionate person. I just have never been able to be that person with him. I have read everything and tried everything to create that physical connection but I've come to believe that you either have it or you dont.

    When we first met I thought I was being shallow for considering a spark as being important. I really thought our love would grow and it has. The emotional part of love that is. The physical part is ailing badly

    What I didn't consider.....his feelings.... he wonders why I am not as affectionate as he is. If I love him ,why do I turn away his displays of affection. He has voiced on multiple occasions that the sexual part of the relationship is important to him. I am able to step up my attentiveness to his needs for awhile but always fall back to default.
    I'm rambling but my point is that lack of physical attraction can certainly destroy an otherwise good relationship if it prevents one or both persons' need for intimate contact from occuring.
    I'm not sure what the future holds for us. We are two good people. Sadly we may not be good together.

    • Jane says

      Thank you for sharing your story, Lynn. It helps so much to hear each other's stories, and is never just rambling when you're sharing your heart - and soul. :)

  22. spcmrn says

    Thank you so much for this article, Jane! You have no idea how relieved I am after reading this.

    I was having such a dilemma over the past few weeks because of this fantasy I have of the "spark". See, my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 5 years, and we are planning to get married next year, God willing. When we're together I feel very happy, but when we are apart I start to doubt my feelings, and I have a bad habit of over-thinking things... I'll start thinking of the way that we first started our relationship, which lacked any "spark" whatsoever - and that worried me.

    And that was when I read one of your replies to a comment, where you mentioned that if I knew 100% that the guy I picked would be madly in love with me, that I wouldn't feel butterflies or fireworks - that is completely, utterly TRUE!! My boyfriend was NOT subtle at all when he first asked me out, I already knew he liked me, so that was probably why I didn't feel excited.

    I'll also like to note, where you said "it's hard to argue that what we refer to as "spark" is anything more than insecurity and anxiety in disguise." - I cannot agree more. I have felt the "spark" before, but it was all just crushes that lead to nowhere, and the "spark" was just a result of my being extremely self-conscious when it came to the opposite gender. Thinking back, those guys I had crushes on were not all that great anyway!

    I am so happy I stumbled upon your article. I've finally rid myself of the fantasy that has been embedded in my brain from all those romantic movies haha. Thank you again for this. I now cannot wait to kindle my lovely bonfire into our own version of the spark. (:

  23. chelle says

    HI,
    This is a great article. Back in September I met this guy online. Out of every guy that messaged me, he was the only one that kept my attention. We exchanged numbers and within a week we went on a date. At first I wasn't crazy about him, in fact I was certain I wouldn't go out with him again. The date wasn't great due to me being really awkward, however I noticed we hit it off in terms of conversation. I didn't think he would ask me out again for some reason, the next day we joked about all my embarrassing moments and he said he wanted to see me again. I usually back out of these things but he was a nice guy, so I decided to at least go on two more dates then decide how I feel. It was a month before we saw each other again, the 2nd date was so much better and since then we've probably been on about 10 dates.

    There was also an occasion.where he thought I didn't feel the same way he did. I'm very shy and expressing how I feel isn't easy for me, so I decided to write it down instead. He said he appreciated me explaining things. On the following date I made sure my actions spoke volumes and he Pointed out how much I'd improved around him.

    Recently we didn't talk as much due to having our own issues to deal with. I made sure I checked in to see how he was every once in a while and he did the same.

    Two weeks ago he invited to his friends party and I met his friends for the first time. It was clear we still had feelings for each other, he was very attentive and offered me his coat, let me lean on him when my back was hurting etc. When he dropped me home he kind of sat back and watched to see if I would initiate a hug or kiss, well I didn't. He texted me to say he didn't think I made as much effort as he did. I pointed out that we barely see each other and we needed to do this in order for me to be more comfortable. We would spent 2-3 hours together once a month.

    So we went on another date last week and I had the best time with him. It was the best date so far, the conversation was flowing, the eye contact was intense. He was putting his arm around me and I kinda started stroking his hand (big improvement). Then at the end of the night we shared a few kisses, I tend to spoil the moment by taking. But I just sat back and enjoyed.

    I know we've been dating since September which is a long time, however is only now I feel like we are getting somewhere. I keep thinking about the kisses we shared, I'm not even sure he enjoyed them.. But then again why would he keep kissing me. I used to have butterflies around him which disappeared after our first kiss and I sort of confused this with sparks. I feel happy when I see him, love his company and so on. In the beginning I was looking for a spark on the first date and I didn't find it. I feel like what I've found here tops any spark. I'm so glad I didn't turn him away after the first date. I think that unless you are 100% put off by the person,you should at least give it two dates then decide from there.

  24. Gregory says

    I just recently met who I thought was the perfect woman. She was everything I had been looking for. We had all of the same interests, could talk all day without running out of things to say to each other, had fun and laughed everytime we were together. She even told me I was exactly the type of man she had been looking for. I thought I finally found what I was looking for too. That is until she broke it off with me today because she said she didn't feel a "spark" between us despite everything else being perfect. It made me angry and resentful. It made me believe there is no hope forme if I could get so close to having what I've always wanted but having what I consider to be such a stupid thing derail it. It's been stewing in my mind all day. Finally I decided to look up articles about it because I couldn't sleep. Then I found this one. This makes me feel a lot better knowing that I am not the only one frustrated by this "spark" thing, which I consider to be nonsense by the way, especially when everything else seemed to be perfect.

    • Jane says

      Glad this helped you see you're not alone, Gregory. We can hold out for that programmed "spark" for our entire lives while the real kind of love we're looking for are all around us everyday.

  25. Aurora says

    Hi there, I was hoping you could give me some advice.

    About a month ago, my now ex-boyfriend broke up with me. He is 23, I am 22. However, I am his first girlfriend. I have dated and have been in love before. When he and I first started dating, we were adamant about keeping it casual and not moving too fast. Throughout our 14 months together, we expressed concerns that there was just something missing - a connection. But the last conversation we had about it, which was about a month before he broke up with me, all my doubts fell away and I fell completely for him. However, I saw that he had already given up...and that was heartbreaking.

    We are each other's best friends. He is so sure that we can have a strong friendship, despite me being so open with him about how in love with him I am. I don't think he gets it. I think he thinks I'll be just fine and then we can best friends. I wish I could do that for him, but I'm not sure yet...the thought of seeing him with someone else is incredibly painful.

    I have not seen him since the breakup but I have talked to him some. He is moving to my home town in about a month. We have spent some of the relationship locally, with the rest about 6 hours away (but visited each other several times a month), and he wants us to hang out when he moves down here. I am not going to beg him to take me back, but I just wish he could see that in the hunt for his spark, he needs to look within. That's what I did, and I realized that this was the man I wanted to spend my life with. I wonder if he will ever realize what he gave up and if it will be in time...or if I will have moved on. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you so much.

  26. Jon says

    I went on a date with a girl a couple of months ago - it went really well and we had a long kiss at the end of the night. We then went on a second date, followed by another long kiss then for 2 weeks met up a a couple of times in the week and started to date all over one another. I then got a random text from her saying she sees me as a friend so take care.

    I was nice in my reply and said no problem etc etc. I left it two days and just sent her a kiss on a text - she came back immediately and we met up a couple of days later and had a great time - we then had a whirl wind romance for 2 months and got very intimate seeing one another 3 times a week - talking about taking it further meeting family and going away - she sending me love hearts and all that on text (she did always refer to how I will get bored of her and that she is insecure but I just reassured her I wouldn't). Anyway, we then had one off week 2 weeks ago - and she sent me the same text again saying she has loved being with me but can't get past seeing me as a friend and the physical chemistry hasn't developed. I mean we have gotten very intimate, so I don't expect her to jump in bed and spend all this time with someone who is just "a friend".

    Then the last two weeks have been back and forth and no spark - met up and she is saying she is confused and that I put a smile on her face everyday. I don't know what to do... please help, did she really see me as a friend all that time?

    Well she called it off two weeks ago like I said (even though that morning she was talking about us going away together), and been sending odd texts and met up on Sunday and had a lovely afternoon walking around the parks and having food and drinks... (no touching though) then I text her to say how nice it was (just that.nothing too much) she replied saying she really enjoyed it but it worried i will want more if we keep meeting up and it will be hard.... so I laid on the line saying I'd provide everything she wanted (not abuse her trust, idolise her, care for her, romance her) all the things she has mentioned at times during dating...she then replied saying I shouldnt say those things it's unfair... anyway the next day we had some nice texts back and forth then that evening I mentioned something we did together in bed and she went off on one saying please stop and why am I saying this now when I didn't when we were together....she said I clearly dont't get her.

    I think I am fighting a losing cause.... I then replied very nicely and said to her I do get her and that she didn't do all the things she did with me and travel half a day around london to see me if it was friends.. I also said she has cut me off as it has raised and insecurity and that I know her better than she thinks.... anyway she has not replied, and this was a week ago. Sounds like a lost cause to me. Move on now maybe. I haven't been nasty one single bit. Can anyone suggest what I do? The first time in bed she did have an accident, the second time I did well and it was two orgasms for her...but then we weren't ripping eachothers clothes off as she says.. I mean surely it is more than this fire/spark/ripping eahcothers clothes off. Anyway I really really like this girl, but not sure how to win her back or to get her to realise it is more than just this spark she is talking about. I hope you can help with some advice. Thank you.

    • Anomymous says

      Better yourself first, let her have her time , either she will come back or not, it is her own decision. If you really love her, just let it go, that's is what I did. If she is happy then let her be happy don't interrupt her, in my case I will be forgotten, but that's something which I have to accept, no doubt.

      It sounds easy than when you do it, but if you really understand what love is, you can't keep her to make yourself happy. Otherwise it won't work. I don't believe in Sparks and that stuff either, because I never really felt one before, and I never knew that it even exist before someone mentioned it when we were together. Of course I have an ideal image from how my princess should look like, but you know society has teaches us that we must get a relationship after dating and without that "spark" it won't work out. According to my opinion this is complete BS there is so much more. Unfortunately not everyone notice it. Life goes on, let fate do its thingthing.

  27. Mark says

    I got together with this girl in Dec 2014 and currently we are in a timeout phase where she needs to settle her thoughts.

    Things went out pretty fine up until April 2015 where there were instances we were to meet once every fortnightly (This was mostly due to the fact that she was working long hours [9am-12am] and she had to make time during the weekends for her various group of friends). I voiced this out to her regarding my concerns and sure enough it improved. (p.s. she is still working the long hours up till today)

    I had another talk with her as I realized that she didn't seem to want to do anything after dinner, she would just want to head home straight after we had our meal. this time things got serious.

    She mentioned she needed a break and that she wanted time to do some thinking on her own. we had a conversation last week which came to no conclusion as she required some more time. She talked about not feeling the spark (to be precise, she mentioned that she was not feeling the excitement whenever she has to meet me) ever since April and that the long holiday which we had in May did not help. She mentioned she still loves me and that she will never find someone who will treat her as well as i did.

    What is going on in her mind?

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