You know exactly who you are. You're the one who really has tried everything to get him to come around and fully commit. You're the one who's given him more than enough time to come around and finally make the commitment that would make everything perfect. And now you know all that's left to do is accept that he just isn't there, isn't on the same page you are, and let him go. Except for one thing. You simply can't imagine just letting him go and moving on with your life. You'd love to be able to just say "next", but that's just not you.
Because you're you. And because you're you – that beautiful, soft, loving, forgiving, understanding, compassionate, helpful, giving, caring, hopeful you – is exactly why you're about to do the very worst thing you could do.
You blame yourself.
You start thinking you were too pushy, too naggy, too demanding, too impatient, too sensitive, too insecure, too anxious, too needy. You beat yourself up, you berate yourself, telling yourself if you had only done things differently, you would be together. You keep going back and second guessing yourself, admonishing yourself that if only you had done this, or if only you hadn't done that. If only you hadn't said that. If only you hadn't gone there. If only, if only, if only. Until finally, you convince yourself that this is really all your fault, that you simply aren't enough for him, that there is something wrong with you. I know that's what you're thinking because that's what I always thought too. Well, I have one thing to say to you:
This isn't about you. This isn't about anything you did wrong, or any regrets about what you should or could have done differently. There are two points you need to understand here.
1. It always takes two people to make a relationship work – and both parties have to want the same thing and be on the same page when it comes to commitment.
2. You cannot change a guy who won't commit to you just by you loving him more or catering more to his needs. If he won't commit, it's not your fault!
But we blame ourselves anyway.
It doesn't matter what anyone says to us. We have such a hard time believing that we're not somehow responsible for the way things are (read: for why he won't commit to you).
And so our downward spiral begins.
With our self-esteem and confidence already at an all-time low just by being with someone like this for as long as we are, we fall to all new levels of low.
We try to get him to see what we see.
We call. We leave messages. We text. We send letters. We email. We drive by. We knock on his door. We go to his work. We send flowers.We get on airplanes/trains/buses/boats. We talk. We cry. We beg. And with every realization of the futility of our efforts, we sink lower and lower into that pit of despair.
Until finally, one day, someone reminds us of who we really are.
You're not this. This isn't you. This isn't your fault. This isn't about you. This is about him. There isn't anything you could have done differently that could have made this work. Whether it's timing, or work, or life, or whatever, this is his issue. Analyzing it and second-guessing it and trying to figure out why so you can fix it isn't going to make a difference. You deserve a real relationship with someone who wants to be with you, who wants the same things you want, who will commit to you and pursue you because a committed relationship is what he wants! That's what you deserve!
But what about him?
I know. You still have hope. We always do.
What if he comes around? If he does, I can guarantee you'll be the first to know.
But don't wait.
Live. This is your life. This is about you. It's in the living that you find the strength and the courage to begin anew this journey to find yourself and that special someone who is looking for you, too. It's not in the waiting. It's not in looking back on what could have been if only you were something different than who you are. If only you knew then what you know now. Things like this always happen for a reason, even if we can't see it when we're in the thick of it. The irony about all of this is that we have to be willing to refuse to accept anything less than we deserve if we are to find what we do deserve. But in the meantime, this blaming ourselves, this unloving treatment of ourselves like this, it has to stop.
Because you, my beautiful friend, are so much more than this. You are worth so much more than this. You deserve so much more than this. I know this about you.
It's time for you to believe it, too.