You know exactly who you are. You're the one who really has tried everything to get him to come around and fully commit. You're the one who's given him more than enough time to come around and finally make the commitment that would make everything perfect. And now you know all that's left to do is accept that he just isn't there, isn't on the same page you are, and let him go. Except for one thing. You simply can't imagine just letting him go and moving on with your life. You'd love to be able to just say "next", but that's just not you.
Because you're you. And because you're you – that beautiful, soft, loving, forgiving, understanding, compassionate, helpful, giving, caring, hopeful you – is exactly why you're about to do the very worst thing you could do.
You blame yourself.
You start thinking you were too pushy, too naggy, too demanding, too impatient, too sensitive, too insecure, too anxious, too needy. You beat yourself up, you berate yourself, telling yourself if you had only done things differently, you would be together. You keep going back and second guessing yourself, admonishing yourself that if only you had done this, or if only you hadn't done that. If only you hadn't said that. If only you hadn't gone there. If only, if only, if only. Until finally, you convince yourself that this is really all your fault, that you simply aren't enough for him, that there is something wrong with you. I know that's what you're thinking because that's what I always thought too. Well, I have one thing to say to you:
You’re wrong.
This isn't about you. This isn't about anything you did wrong, or any regrets about what you should or could have done differently. There are two points you need to understand here.
1. It always takes two people to make a relationship work – and both parties have to want the same thing and be on the same page when it comes to commitment.
2. You cannot change a guy who won't commit to you just by you loving him more or catering more to his needs. If he won't commit, it's not your fault!
But we blame ourselves anyway.
It doesn't matter what anyone says to us. We have such a hard time believing that we're not somehow responsible for the way things are (read: for why he won't commit to you).
And so our downward spiral begins.
With our self-esteem and confidence already at an all-time low just by being with someone like this for as long as we are, we fall to all new levels of low.
We try to get him to see what we see.
We call. We leave messages. We text. We send letters. We email. We drive by. We knock on his door. We go to his work. We send flowers.We get on airplanes/trains/buses/boats. We talk. We cry. We beg. And with every realization of the futility of our efforts, we sink lower and lower into that pit of despair.
Until finally, one day, someone reminds us of who we really are.
You're not this. This isn't you. This isn't your fault. This isn't about you. This is about him. There isn't anything you could have done differently that could have made this work. Whether it's timing, or work, or life, or whatever, this is his issue. Analyzing it and second-guessing it and trying to figure out why so you can fix it isn't going to make a difference. You deserve a real relationship with someone who wants to be with you, who wants the same things you want, who will commit to you and pursue you because a committed relationship is what he wants! That's what you deserve!
But what about him?
I know. You still have hope. We always do.
What if he comes around? If he does, I can guarantee you'll be the first to know.
But don't wait.
Live. This is your life. This is about you. It's in the living that you find the strength and the courage to begin anew this journey to find yourself and that special someone who is looking for you, too. It's not in the waiting. It's not in looking back on what could have been if only you were something different than who you are. If only you knew then what you know now. Things like this always happen for a reason, even if we can't see it when we're in the thick of it. The irony about all of this is that we have to be willing to refuse to accept anything less than we deserve if we are to find what we do deserve. But in the meantime, this blaming ourselves, this unloving treatment of ourselves like this, it has to stop.
Because you, my beautiful friend, are so much more than this. You are worth so much more than this. You deserve so much more than this. I know this about you.
It's time for you to believe it, too.
About Jane
I must admit I learned this the hard way. I am still in te process of moving on from a guy who never wanted a commitment with me. It was hard to walk away. He did say it made him sad and that he would miss me but in the first place he never asked me to stay and he never thinked twice when he told me he never wanted anything serious. Some things are easier said than done. I have always known how confident I am and what I really wanted from a relationship. When he came into my life, I waited around for him. He made me feel insecure, I would get jealous of every woman he goes out with. I would always think if he's sleeping with her. I will even have petty fights with my friends when I find out they would be hanging out and I was not informed. No women deserves to be in this same situation.. This will not benefit a woman who's looking for something serious. It will just destroy your confidence level and feel even more alone that you already were in the first place. This is truly knowing your worth, sticking to it, embracing, celebrating it. A good relationship will feel good, its will not leave you doubting or with hanging questions.
Most of us do learn this the hard way, Reann; and yes, avoiding falling into these situations is always much easier said than done. Thanks for sharing your story and reminding us all of the reality of the toll it takes on your confidence level being with someone like this. When you look back, it's always hard to believe we can fall into this, but when we're in it, we always think it's going to be different with us. I couldn't have said all this better myself
I learned this the hard way as well. I was with the guy I have mentioned in other posts for 5 months. He asked me to marry him immediately which I should have considered a red flag but for some reason did not. I should have known that he was not going to truly commit so I did the calling, leaving messages, texting, sent an ultimatum letter, and sent an email but none of that worked. I realize now we were just too different--I have a career and he went from job to job. I valued education and he did not. I could go on and on. I let go because I knew this is not what I deserved nor what I wanted. Being with and marrying would be a mistake of gigantic proportions and I would forever regret it.
We learn these things the hard way because it takes time to recognize those red flags for what they are. We all so want to believe all those warm, fuzzy feelings that promise so much, yet all too often deliver so little. It's all a part of this journey, Emily; you're not the first, and you certainly won't be the last to go through something like this. Along the way, we come to see things quicker, to recognize those red flags sooner, and most of all, to stop blaming ourselves for someone's else issues.
I can´t agree with you more, Jane... You are so good at this!
I have recently let go of a relationship I thought was serious... I thought we were both on the same page... Long story.. And unfortunately, I did blame myself at some point- like you say we do- for NOT SEEING THIS before... It´s like, AHH, so much time wasted... Or maybe not... It´s my journey, right?
Focusing on the positive, now I am not settling for something half way... It is scary, but I do filter out many possibilities, even on Valentine´s, because it is not about "being with someone" to "feel" like you are in a relationship, but about actually BEING in a relationship that works for both parties... I feel good every day, so whoever wants to pick at me because I´m so passionate about what I do, is out... Whoever JUST wants to have a good time, is out.. LOL... And something else I can share in your beautiful space here: being "picked", like you say in one of your awesome posts, is not what it´s about... It is about us picking what WE WANT... And I mentally had to let go of something unexpected with someone else I thought liked me, was when he picked someone in a rush- like rebound, just out of a hurtful relationship- because of her age (younger than me) & them having been hurt... LOL.. Yes, I don´t know everything, but now I have pretty good intuition on what people´s intentions are... Whatever...
So I move on, mentally & physically... Next week I´m giving someone an opportunity... Will let you girls know! P.S. I like him, but I have to check if he can be kind, generous and respectful of my way of living... Moving to intertwining our lives, if and only if we´re on the same page (that is basically what I´m looking for now), yet my intuition is that he is critical (previous observations when we were friends)..
This is not easy, this is a challenge, just like what I´m doing... But I KNOW I will succeed... What do Jane & friends say? I appreciate U ; )
We learn and grow in what we call that wasted time, Monica; because yes, it is each of our own journeys and what we need to do that learning and growing is different for everyone. It is about exactly what you say; figuring out what we want and what we don't want; what we come to finally see we deserve, and what we finally realize we never deserve. Essentially being able to choose for ourselves what that all looks like in a person, and not molding ourselves into someone that he will choose. There is a huge difference. One comes from a place of high self-esteem and confidence, the other from a place of insecurity and a lack of confidence in the beautiful true selves we really are!
It sounds like you have your eyes wide open to see the reality of what this new opportunity really is, Monica, but always be wary of a critical tendency. Nothing breaks us down and tears us apart like a well-intentioned, yet critical soul. We learn to recognize these things sooner as we go along, but even the wisest and most experienced of us sometimes need that reminder to check in with ourselves and make sure our hearts approve.
I want to start by saying that I felt alone when i was in the midst of a similar situation. i always think and feel like im alone, then i come to this website and i feel understood and a sense of clarity. thank you for this wonderful website! okay well now i guess ill share my experience. I was 17 when i met this amazing boy at school. when i seen him everything was moving slow and we were the only two in the room, or so it seemed. it felt and like a movie and im unfortunately a hopeless romantic so i fell hard easily. we were together for two years with struggles due to accusations of him cheating and him feeling like i didnt trust him. finally he told me at 19 he thinks we should take a break for a week( at the time i lived with him) and go to my sisters house. I was so devastated and i instantly felt like i was going to die. i get a phone call about two days later saying that he just wasnt into the relationship all the way and he didnt want to drag me along. i think him being a virgin when i met him and him feeling like he needed to sell his royal oats played a huge part in the situation. is was starting to get interested in other girls( was even talking to one the same day we broke up). anywho i did like what you said and blamed myself, i couldnt let him go and i was trying to fix it. he kept gigving me hope by saying that we could possibly get bac together but as months passed by i realized he had fallen for another girl, this was just in a matter of 8 months ago. the story has several more twists and drama to it but this is the condensed version. im going to close by saying that ive truely learned that im strong even though at the time i felt weak. ladies if you can go through all this and still find your way back to yourself than just know that your strong.
Thank you for sharing your story, Kieona. I'm glad you always feel understood and less alone here; that's exactly the reason I've created this space.
I think the younger we are, the more we blame ourselves because we haven't yet had that reality check on our hopeless romantic beliefs and of waiting before we fall so hard. I completely relate to the feelings you felt, Kieona. It's not that we should ever allow ourselves to become hard, just that we need to make sure someone is truly deserving of us and our beautiful hearts before we give ourselves away. Those feelings of being so devastated and alone resonate will all of us on some level. And yet, the most beautiful part of all, is that you came through it, stronger than you could ever have believed at the time, I'm sure. It's why an outside perspective from someone who's been there, is so valuable because when we're in it, we can't imagine things being better, of us finally feeling better without him. And we hold on so tight to that hope, trying so hard to him back, because in a sense, we mistakenly feel like it's only in getting him back that we can get ourselves back. We don't realize this is part of our journey to ourselves, to find that person we truly are deep down inside who is stronger and more worthy than anything we imagined. And like you said, Kieona, you truly are not alone.
It seems my story is different in many respects. I am middle-aged, and have given the last 3 years to a man I love (and I mean in the truest sense of the word). He treats me like I am the only one, spending every available weekend with me. We live 20+ miles apart, me in the city and him in the country, so we don’t spend weekday nights together very often. He texts me daily, as I do him.
The problem is two-fold; he has never told me he loves me, and he won’t completely commit. The only two excuses he has ever given me are: a) he has made too many wrong choices in women and has gotten hurt to the point of not trusting, and b) we see things differently. So the question begs to be asked: why then does he find it hard to let me go if he won’t give himself completely? We have had some pretty bad breakups over the 3 years, but we always end up back together. Each time we do, he seems to try a little harder. However, he simply won’t use the “L” word or completely commit. It’s as if he just doesn’t want to give up his freedom. He has never even told me, or responded affirmatively, that I am the only one. I truly don’t think he has another woman in his life simply because I am at his house every weekend, and if I text or call, he is always available to respond.
I keep going back to that frightening realization (that I pray isn’t true) that I have simply become a convenience to him. I’m there every weekend if he isn’t off hunting. Over the course of our time together, he has introduced me to his family and friends. I know he cares deeply for me.
The thing I can’t get out of my mind? In his last relationship before me, he moved her in after only 6 months of dating her. He bought her diamonds. In the end, she left him to go back to her ex-husband, and that, according to him, has created an issue of trust (among other past relationship issues). What I don’t understand is that, at our age (we are only a year apart), doesn’t he know enough about life to know that all humans are different? Just because he couldn’t trust the women of his past does not mean I would ever do anything to make him not trust me. And I haven’t. Plain and simple. Why can’t he give himself to me the way he did her or all the other committed relationships of his past?
I don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart, but I have never felt so alone in a “relationship” as I do with him. Every single time I have let him go, neither one of us goes so far away that we don’t make it back together. But it never seems to be enough. It never seems to feel like a real relationship. I feel hopeless more than I feel hopeful.
oh Brenda, I feel for you. He is obviously very content with the way things are, but you are not. He has been very clear with you on what he is and isn't willing or able to give you. You are living in this relationship solely on his terms, without even knowing for sure that you are the only one. Of course you don't understand so much of the way he is and the way he thinks. Because it doesn't make any sense, and he himself may not even know why he is this way. He just knows that this is his comfort level with you, and my guess is that the women he was with before you who left him, was probably completely different from you and he was different with her - and moved her in, as you say - because he knew she wasn't in it for the long haul, so he felt safe that he wouldn't have to commit on a deeper level with her. I have seen this happen firsthand just as you describe it, so please know there is no competition there; you bring out an entirely different level of commitment with him that I'm guessing he isn't comfortable with, but he's reluctant to stray too far because he also knows that you may well be the best thing that ever happened to him. And yes, I hear you when you say at your ages, you wouldn't think you'd be dealing with this. And yet, there are no shoulds or shouldn'ts here; just the reality of what is.
So now this becomes about you, Brenda. And what you are and are not willing to put up with to be with this man, however wonderful he is and however much you love him. This isn't about anyone else and what they would do. We all have different things we're willing to put up with or draw the line on in the name of love and what that means to us. It's ultimately your decision. What is he worth to you? What is being with him, albeit on his terms, worth to you? And then what is not being alone in a relationship worth to you? What is giving this up to see whether there might be a real relationship out there for you worth to you? And would being without him changes that hopelessness to more hopelessness of a different kind, or would it bring you more hope? You have to dig deep where you're in something like this. To see where you're really at and where your own boundaries are and where the lines in the sand are drawn. You have to be the one to make those decisions; he isn't going to be motivated to change something that is working this well for him. It's up to you. What I do know, is you should never have to do anything to make someone want to commit to you if you are in this for commitment, for the real deal; a real relationship. If a relationship is meant to be, it always is because both of you want it to be and are willing to do whatever it takes to get there - but that does require both of you being on the same page.
I hope this gives you a starting place to sort through some of this, Brenda; my heart so goes out to you!
Thank you so much, Jane! I can analyze to the end of time, but hearing what I know to be the truth from someone else, someone with much more expertise in the "field", puts a whole new perspective on the situation. "What I do know, is you should never have to do anything to make someone want to commit to you if you are in this for commitment..." Therein lies the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have felt many times that the situation is unfair to me because, as you so aptly put it, "he isn't going to be motivated to change something that is working this well for him." And, as much as I love him completely, it simply is not working well for me. As much as I love him, I am so very tired of being alone and waiting my life away for the next weekend and the next and the next.
God bless you, Jane. You are an inspiration to so many. And especially to me.
Brenda