What can you live with? Whatever he's doing or isn't doing; whatever you want him to do that he can't do. You're not going to change him. As much as you want him to change, to make a commitment to you, to do something different, the reality is that you are not going to change him and no amount of loving him is going to change him. So this ultimately comes down to you.
It's time to ask yourself some tough questions.
What are you willing to put up with? What is he worth to you? What does having him in your life on these terms – his terms – mean to you? Would you rather have him in your life as he is, not as you want him to be, but exactly as he is, if it means keeping him in your life, or do you need that commitment from him or whatever else you want from him more than him? Is it a deal-breaker for you? Can you live with him like this, or does this cross your boundary?
Do you see what I'm getting at here? First, you really have to know yourself well enough to answer these questions. You have to know what your boundaries are, what your limits are and what you will and won't consider and what you consider to be deal breakers. For you. You see, no one else is you. Your friends and family and anyone else will have their own opinions and answers to these questions, but none of that really matters.
It's about you.
And this is all about you. It's your life, your dream, your vision, your happily ever after, and you're going to have different needs and make different choices to get those needs met than anyone else. But you have to first define them and know yourself well enough so that you can make these decisions based on the reality of who you are and what you want your life to look like.
So what if he's all that? What if he's everything you've always wanted in a partner/husband/soul mate but he won't or can't or doesn't know if he can make a commitment to you? What do you do with that? Well, you dig deep within yourself and find out what you really feel about this. You have to think through the implications and make your decision based on that reality and not on the romantic ideal that you're going to change him.
Because you're not going to change him.
No matter how much you love him. So what if he doesn't want to ever get formally married, but says he will be the equivalent of married to you, but you want the real thing with the ring and the piece of paper? What if he doesn't want children, but you do? You do not want to go into this one thinking you're going to change him. You're not.
And what if his career will always be his number one priority and never you? What are you willing to trade for that? Because there will always be trade-offs. The one with the career priority will probably always have enough money to buy you all of those things you've dreamed of, but he won't be home with you to enjoy them. So what then? Are you willing to accept that trade off?
My point here is that so often we feel so not in control of our relationships because of something he will or won't do, when in reality, we are the ones who have all the control we want! If we just realize that we can make our own decisions based on what we know and who we are and then the control is really back in our hands.
It is not all up to him!
If he won't commit, then take back control by choosing to stay or leave, based on the person you are; not him. If you still want to be with him, and he's worth being with on these terms because you really do love him, then make a life for yourself and have your own life independent of him if that is what you decide is the trade off to keeping him in your life and he's worth that much to you.
You're in control here.
Really, you are! It's just so much easier to let him decide, to push him for an answer than to see that you already have everything you need to know to make a decision and this isn't about waiting around for him. It's about you, taking back control of yourself and moving on with your life. Forward. In spite of him.
I know, my sweet, beautiful friend, I know this isn't easy. I know these dilemmas often feel like there is no favorable outcome. But there is one favorable outcome: it's one that you choose. It's one that releases you from living like this, from looking to someone else to make the decisions. Because you will find that when you take that step, when you choose, when you move ahead like this instead of spending your time talking, and waiting, and talking some more, and waiting some more for your life to begin with him, when he's finally ready, if he's ever ready, that in taking back control of your life, you set in motion an energy that can't be explained.
You have that energy.
It's the energy of a woman who knows who she is and what she wants and isn't afraid to make a decision even if she doesn't know what the full outcome of that decision will be. Even if it wasn't supposed to be this way. And a woman with that kind of confidence, that kind of strength is a woman that is about as attractive as we come. Because in doing so, you find that place inside that sees you can do this. That missing piece. That part of you that won't die without him. That doesn't need him to say yes or no or give some kind of canned answer in order for you to move ahead.
And that, my beautiful friend, is something amazing when you try it the first time and find out just how much life moves to greet you and love shows up to follow you. Because a woman who knows herself like this and moves through her fear like this to the other side is more than confident: she's irresistible!
About Jane
Hi Jane. I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading this article. Im in a relationship that isn't very good at all. Everyday I tell myself that today is the day I need to end it. I know in my heart that I deserve so much more in a partner and the one Im with isn't my forever guy. I need to dig deep and find the strength within to do what I need to do. In reading this article I realize that staying in this unhealthy relationship is keeping me from finding someone who adores me and shows me the respect that I deserve. Thank you for wonderful articles.. Margaret
I'm so glad you found this helpful, Margaret. I hear you; when you're in the thick of it, it can be so hard to believe there is more to life than what you're living right now. Trust yourself, you'll know when it's time, when you're ready to do something different. Being gentle and loving to ourselves is the best way to start.
this is another great article. I really enjoy reading all of them. Because of your articles and your personal answer I was strong enough to let go and to move on. I just wanted to shout out a big thank you! First I thought Im going to break up and just see if he would try to come back. I really believed it would happen but it didn't! At first it is hard to get over it, to lose someone you really thought that he is the one. but clearly it was a good decision and one day there will be someone who can make me more happy! Thanks for making me a stronger person, Jane
Thank you, Rebecca; I'm glad these words are resonating with you. It's true, going through it is never easy, but in time, we begin to see and understand the why's and see just how much we really do deserve. Thanks for sharing, Rebecca - your words inspire me!
Hi Jane
I am sending you a poem i wrote this morning.
I was lost and confused, searching for somebody to be,
Till i realized that person i was searching for was me.
Now i have joy and peace with no end,
Ever since i became my own best freind
SO all you wonderful ladies out there, find your true self , become comfortable sitting alone with the Lord, know your weaknesses and strengths, accept who you are just as you are and you will have someone who will never let you down. you will be your own best freind.
How beautiful and true, Ann! Thanks for sharing this with us, and for your words of inspiration. This strikes such a chord. When we realize this search for someone and something else is really our own search for ourselves, we find the key that opens up so many possibilities, and unlocks a life we never knew we had.
I love the last part - Cheers to all of the women out there for being the most attractive, confident and irresitable self you can be!!
Thanks Jane for such an amazing article. This fuels the strength for me to go on today.. and more days to come
So glad to be able to affirm that strength that's coming through for you, Cecilia. The best really is yet to come!
Hi Jane,
I just came across your website on the search 'how long to wait before he calls' and I LOVED your response about how when it's the right person, it doesn't matter. I'm in a long distance relationship at the moment (we met as friends last year but grew closer last few months as friends over phone/text/email and he came to visit me a couple weeks ago) and our friendship started out pretty slow with weekly phone calls and the occasional text. But we would have great phone convos and when he did visit me, we had a really great time and decided to develop a relationship. But from hints he has let drop, this committment has been in part due to my wanting to know where we were going and he wanted to get to know me as a really good friend first. We have talked about the future, what we both want, and I wonder if we want different things. He works at construction camps a lot (hence our long distance) and is used to a single life. I guess my question is with communication and commitment - he has been a bit more distant lately and I really don't want to push him into a relationship if he doesn't want it. So after some counsel from a couple friends, I've stepped back a bit to let him initiate phone conversations and texts this week and I'm patiently waiting for his phone call. We haven't talked in almost a week (except for a couple texts) I know he cares about me and is respectful of me as well but at what point do you 'know' he is there for the long haul or wants to get to know you as a friend more slowly (but I'm here to be friends, date, and have a commitment towards marriage which I have told him clearly last sunday).
Thanks! Sara
You'll know, Sara. You'll know what that point is where it becomes clear. It sounds like you may already be getting some clarity from him based on what sounds like a serious conversation you had with him last Sunday. It always helps to step back a bit, as you have done, to see where he's at, because it really is true that some men are great at responding to our initiating contact, but it's when we step back and see what's really there and just how often they seek us out and pursue us, that we find a clearer answer to what we really have. Know that it's always better to find this out early on, than later after you've invested so much more of yourself in him. If this is meant to be with him, you will know because a real relationship is always about two real people, on the same page who make it work because they are willing to do whatever it takes, regardless of any distance or other obstacles between you. When it is the right person, none of those little things ever matter.
Jane-
My cousin forwarded me an article from your website and I am addicted to reading all your blogs. I am going thru a crazy emotional time. I just ended a 6 yr toxic relationship with a man who didn't want to commit. There was every red flag to leave and I held on with dear life in hopes he would change and realize I was the one. Your articles made me realize that I was in love and holding onto his potential. And that it was more choice and only mine to let go and move on. I am trying desperately to detach myself from this lost hope. It's like grieving a death. Over whelming and confusing. This guy plays mind games and I had to go above and beyond to end all contact with him. He contacts me every so often. But reading your personal experiences have truly given me the strength to face single life again and brings hope for a new and exciting life!! Thank you
I'm so glad so much of this is resonating with you, Liz; and thanks for taking the time to let me know. You are not alone going through this, as I hope you are realizing, and there is so much more to life and love than what you have experienced over the last 6 years. Be so glad you are finally free to see what all awaits you, my beautiful friend!