It all seemed so incredible. He seemed so amazing. He made you feel beautiful when you were together – and even when you thought you weren't.
Your relationship had all the makings of the real thing. All the fireworks, all the excitement, all the magic.
Until suddenly, you’re noticing some subtle changes. He’s not calling as often. His emails and texts are fewer and shorter. He’s busy a lot more often. He’s a lot less romantic than he used to be. If you've been intimate, he becomes less intimate.
His plans may or may not include you – unlike before when they always included you. He’s showing up late and doesn't call to let you know he’s going to be late.
You bring it up.
You tell him that you've been noticing some differences and you want an explanation. He says he’s just been busy with work or tired lately and that nothing’s changed with him. So you let it go. But you miss the way it was, and you don't understand why he's suddenly getting emotionally distant.
It’s a scenario that’s repeated countless times every day all over the world, and yet, for many of us, no matter how strong we may be, no matter how confident we may feel, the feeling that something’s changed can send us reeling, trying to figure out how to get it all back.
What happened?
What went wrong? Why the change? He provides us with few if any clues, and we don’t seem to have done anything different. So we do what we've always done. We call our friends, try to remember every detail of the last few days and weeks, put our feelers out, and play detective trying to figure out what happened, and more importantly, how to make it all go back the way it was.
Until we realize, there’s no going back. The reality is, this is what the relationship has become, and while you’re still seeing each other, it’s not the same. You can sense it. You start feeling more alone than when you actually were alone.
You keep telling yourself you didn't do anything different.
But you did do something different: you fell for him. You committed to him, he’s won you over and now he’s got your heart. And suddenly, he realizes that now it’s his turn. He got you to commit to him, and now it’s his turn to commit to you. The problem is, he thought he was ready, but now he’s not so sure. So he’s doing the only thing that makes him feel OK: He’s pulling back.
Yes, he still likes being with you and believes you really are all that. And he might even believe that you really are the one for him – if – and it’s a big if, he were ready for that level of commitment. But he’s not right now, and that’s the most important piece of information for you to have.
Because it calls you to action.
There is something to be done. But it’s not going to get him or the relationship back the way it was. It’s time for you to move on, to let go, to live your life.
If you've talked to him about the changes you've noticed, and he isn't giving you anything more to go on than that it’s you or he’s just been busy, stressed, tired or whatever lately; if you've let him know that you expect the same level of commitment from him that you've given him, and he can't give you the commitment that you're looking for, then there’s only one thing for you to do.
Move on.
Let go and focus on yourself, on living your life. Because actions say so much more than words. And while your actions might not change him or the relationship back to what it used to be, you will keep your self-esteem, your confidence, your you intact. And that’s more important than whether or not this guy is the one for you.
If he is the one, just this simple art of letting go will let you know – because he'll be back and ready to commit to you and you only. And if he's doesn't come back, you’ll have that confirmation that he wasn't the one for you.
Either way, you don’t settle for being treated in a way that's less than you deserve, and you open yourself up to receive love from someone else who is the one for you because you won’t be waiting around, still committed and attached to a guy who’s just not ready for the level of commitment you’re ready for right now.
Because when someone is truly right for you, they will also be ready for you. And that means committed to you on the same level you are. And that, my beautiful friend, is exactly what you do deserve!
About Jane
I think this makes perfect sense and thanks so much for your insight and this website. You have a very kind and loving way of coming through.
What is hard to understand however is when the guy is giving you completely mixed messages and is entirely inconsistent. I have been with someone for a year and a half and his "ACTIONS" seem like we are in a relationship "acting" like we are a couple- holding hands, spending almost 4-5 times a week together including weekends. Me hanging out with him and his little boy. Cooking together etc.... and everything will be great for awhile and then suddenly he will begin to withdraw as if he feels that things are too good or i decide to say something sweet such as I love spending time with you or even an I love you. He withdraws by not asnwering my calls as much, and him controlling more when "we" get to see eachother etc... This has happened like a cycle about 3-4 times already in our year and half relationship. This break up and get back together. This last time i broke it off because i cant take the ups and downs and the mixed signals anymore. When asked (and this is after spending christmas together at his request) what was going on, he always gives vague answers such as... i just have a lot on my mind. But that unfortunately isn't enough anymore or ok with me. I feel rejected when he withdraws because how do you go from hot to cold from one day to the next? I read a little bit about attachment theory and i truly think he is an avoidant. He withdraws not only emotionally but sexually too and its very very hard for me not to feel insecure with someone who you can never truly know where you stand with. I want it all but only if its for REAL. We were even talking about going away together. Why all of this if he isnt serious about me? This final time when i felt him withdrawing and beginning to act different again and he gave me the same answer i said to him that the mixed signals was driving me a little crazy and that i didnt like feeling that way and that it wasn't fair to me. That i dont push him to even call me his "Girlfriend" out of fear that i may push him away even further but that i needed to know what this was. When his answer to me was: We are friends and im not looking to be in a relationship right now it cut so deep and i was so confused that i simply said "Then do me a favor and please leave me alone.... Goodbye" and i hung up the phone. Its been a year and half of this and i just feel that at this point if you are still "telling" me one thing but "doing" something else that i needed to put a stop to this roller coaster ride.
Its funny because everyone says "Actions speak louder than words" but what on earth is going on with a guy like this? His "ACTIONS" are saying one thing but his words say something completely different. Does he love me and is just afraid (because there are times i truly feel he does love me and he has even mentioned to me that, i would be the perfect woman for him) so what is the problem?
I just now feel that maybe i should have just kept my mouth shut and not said anything but at the same time i would still be in limbo "playing house" with him for what? I am 37 and he is 38.... we are adults. I just dont get it and its been very very hurtful and hard to have to let go of someone when you dont want to. You just cant help but to think, if i wait just a little longer? Maybe if i help him through his fears? If i dont push.... I just dont know and am left just so confused.... I followed the "actions" and thought i would get a different response and its completely baffling for him to have said that. Is he an avoidant? Is he afraid to commit? He is also like a best friend to me so this makes his absence feel even worse and like a huge void. Today is one week since I hung up that phone and told him to leave me alone. I dont want that feeling of not knowing where i stand ... but i dont want to be without him either (SIGH). What is anyone's thoughts on this?? Please help....
THANK YOU!!!
My heart goes out to you, Confused, because it is so difficult to be with someone like this when your heart is so attached to him and you truly want him in your life and what to be with him. But what I'm hearing loud and clear is that this man, regardless of his age, is so confused himself. He doesn't know what he wants, he's scared. He's going back and forth with you and giving you such mixed signals because that's what he's doing with himself in his own head, whether subconsciously or not. But don't go there with him. You've been in this with him for so long that of course you wonder what your game plan should be and how much you should help him. Don't go there. This is his work that he needs to do on himself and taking it on, taking him on, will only make you crazy. The only person who can help him sort out his feelings and what he wants here, is himself, and maybe a therapist trained to help men who can't commit, who get scared of losing control like he does. His behavior makes perfect sense for someone who is feeling out of control in a relationship, but as sad as this is, you are not here to be his counselor. This isn't about you figuring him out or playing games to hold back your own feelings so that he will come around; this is real life and a real relationship and he simply isn't there.
What this really is about is you; be so proud of yourself for finally having the courage to stand your ground with him and go a week without contact with him. That is no small thing when you want to be doing anything but this. Honestly, the only way he may come around is by your taking a stand and being true to yourself and what you want - and deserve - in a relationship. If you haven't already, the most insightful and helpful book I read after my many experiences with men who couldn't commit, was the book Men Who Can't Love (I refer to this in my resource section) - reading this will give you such a new perspective on your situation and you will see just how you are so not alone in what you're going through. That back and forth behavior is the trademark of someone who's scared and doesn't know what he wants, so you have recognized this well. Keep focusing on you, and living your life, and try not to think about him, although I know firsthand just how hard that can be to actually do. Get as much support as you can for yourself right now and keep busy focusing on you and the things you enjoy doing. If he is the one for you, he will come around and be ready to make some changes and get some help for his relationship issues.
You deserve so much more than someone who doesn't know that he wants you in his life, and you should never have to second guess yourself or wonder what your gameplan should be to be with someone you love!
@confused
Reading your situation had made me think about a situation I had to let go of. Things were the same as what you described above and mines went on for 3years. The being hot and then cold when we got close. Making up excuses on why he weren't ready and saying were just friends when his actions made me feel like we were in a relationship. In this case I think you go with what he's saying if the actions are contridicting his words because he's playing games and putting you through Hurt while he's confused and making up his mind on what he wants to do. It's not fair on you. There's nothing worst than not knowing where you stand with someone & them not reassuring you like you reassure them. When I walked away from the guy I was seeing I just simply told him that I love him and probably too much just to be friends and that I'm not sure if we should continue our situation if he doesn't feel the same way via text and I left it at that. That was a month ago and he hasn't replied. Since then i really wanted to move on, my close friend for 7years and I was spending more time together and I started to see him romanticly and he's on the same page as me, he wants the exact same things. Sometimes you have to walk away in order to see if that guy is the one for you, this is your only way to know where you stand, do not call him. Even if you told him to leave you alone if a man really loves and wants to be with you, no words or nothing will stop him from coming back and being with you and if he doesn't just accept you guys are't meant to be and move on. So you can find the love you know you deserve and stop seeking it from this man that doesn't recognise the good and doesn't seem to want to commit to you and have you to himself... He doesn't deserve your love. You'll be fine, if it's love you wouldn't have to ask anything you'll just know and feel secure. You don't want ups and downs and on and off situations, it's unhealthy. You want someone that will make you smile everyday and who isn't scared to be with you. Hope I've helped.
Your words are beautiful, Miss Aquarian,and ring so true. Thanks for sharing your story and for the reminder that true love really is like that - "you won't have to ask anything, you'll just know and feel secure". That's exactly what it comes down to. Don't ever settle for anything less than love that's exactly on those terms.
Thank you @ Jane, I just needed to let @confused know she wasn't the only one that's recently going through the same situation. I also wanted to say when your blinded by this hope of finally getting this guy to commit when he's not ready, your not giving yourself a chance to let someone else in who may be ready for the exact same things & are on the same page as you are and is willing to give you everything you deserve and desire. When you move on and really want to move on, you will be able to allow someone who is genuine into your heart & if this guy decides to come back you don't accept him back unless he's sure and ready to give you what you want because if you accept him on the terms it was on before, that's what it's going to be all over again. So make sure he's on the same page as you if he's not say Goodbye again before another day goes by & he disregards what you want again & don't regret it because if you go back on the terms it was on before you'll regret that more & end up trying to find a way to end it again & that just becomes a endless cycle. Just go through the short-term pain of letting him go and you'll feel empowered & strong when you start to feel happy again & realise the reality. I remember after several break-ups or whatever you'll call it because we weren't really together, that I would think OMG I don't want to go through this pain, so that meant me going back and gaining more pain from the toxic situation I was in. Moving on or should I say Running away from him is best for you & your health right now. Trust me. Soon you'll be laughing at the situation & how he's missed out on a great Woman.
Thank you so much to both of you!! (Jane and Miss Aquarian)
It is a relief to know you are not alone and when other share their experience and give you insight it helps to put things in perspective.
It is very very tempting to want to "help" him. I think this is what has gotten me stuck the longest. I know its there if only.... (betting on potential i guess) This is probably the hardest part for me. I so much dont want him to be confused because- a) i can see how painful it must be for him to not even know himself what he wants, to be confused, scared, unsure or worst, not even be aware that you may have a problem. I dont know, I guess i am just a very caring person and see the best in others. At the same time I hear what you are saying Jane to not go there. His confusion will only cause me to be confused and its not up to me to "help" him or fix him or figure it out for him. I have to allow him to go through his own journey/path and there is nothing i can do to speed things along or change them. I try to remind myself that people come in to our lives for a reason, season or a lifetime. Perhaps him and i were only meant to encounter eachother for a brief moment during our journey. As heartbreaking as that sounds and scary as it is for me as well ( as i have my own abandonement fears) I know the best thing for me to do is to just keep moving forward.
I have that book that you mention Jane and I think i will go back and re-read it. You just can't help to see these confused commitment phobic men and not let that nurturing side of you take over and want to be there for them. I will work on this for myself and my health. Miss Aquarian is right.... its not healthy to be in something like this. I have gone back and forth with him several times and yes we get back together but with things still being vague and eventually going back to "his terms" I have seen *some* improvements every time but most of the time we get right back to him withdrawing again or getting scared or whatever it is. So when i think of this i think... "ok so its not that he doesnt care about me or that he is trying to hurt me its just that he doesnt know any better". And thats what keeps me hooked and going back and giving him yet another chance, I guess because if i knew that he was doing this deliberately than i could easily get angry and call him an "A**hole" or something but instead, I feel bad and want to not give up on him. Ok ok I see my own pattern here and i promise i will try my best to understand myself better so that i can heal and not return to the cycle. Things are good for a period of time (like 2 months) but its like he cant sustain it. He reels me back in and then its like he needs to gain control again and things are back to being the same. I thought with time, by being patient, understanding, not pushing and basically accomodating (or should I say enabling) his behaviour that he may see that i am not a threat. That he could trust me with his heart, that i wont suffocate him... that i am just someone who wants to love him. Am I co-dependant? Because these were truly my only intentions and instead of him appreciating this and wanting to get closer......he practically runs away from me.... so sad!!!
Again-- thank you so much (to both of you) for your words, support and advice. I can't tell you how good it feels to know that you can turn to others who hear and understand what you are going through.
I will keep my head up, i wont contact him and will try not to think about it. Any other advice or resources, please let me know. If others have been there and can do it, I know I can....
Usually codependency and loving - and staying - with someone like this go hand in hand, Confused, but you are well on your way, just recognizing all this is huge!
I'm assuming you've read Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More and other writings, but if you haven't, they're great. The Language of Letting Go, was an especially good one. Know that this is his work, and there's no way you can know what is best for him and what he needs to learn, and how he needs to learn it. Even though we always assume we know
You have a beautiful heart to care so much, but take that concern and time and energy and spend it on figuring out why you are attracted to someone like this and how you got here in the first place, and you will discover your own journey that will be so much more rewarding because you are working on someone whose life you can actually improve, because the only person you can ever change is yourself, no matter how much we want to believe otherwise! Hang in there, and comfort yourself by knowing that if the two of you are ultimately meant to be together, you will be, but only if you both want the same thing and and are both willing to do the work to get there - that means him, too, not just you.
I have been dating a guy for 2 years. We are both single parents, which makes things complicated. Or maybe that is just an excuse? If he really loved me the way I need, the kids wouldn't be a complication they would be something that makes us even more special? He was married for a long time (13years) and I am afraid that has left him jaded. His need to protect his son from the unhappiness of the divorce has caused him grief and guilt. I can't fix that, and I can tell I hoped I somehow could. Definetely a pattern for me to think that my love will make it all work out. And it does stem from my childhood issues as my dad wasn't in my life, and gave me up for adoption while raisiimg his 3 kids he had after me. I have resentment.
So my boyfriend says he loves me, says he sees a future (just not right now because his son isn't anywhere near ready for that). He isn't able/willing to give me the commitment I need. I fit into so many postings as I am afraid if I give up it will be right before he was going to be ready. He is perfect in every way, except he can't commit. I haven't been able to even tell him what I need, as I know his answer will be he can't because of his son. So for 2 years I have waited, as patiently as possible, for him to be ready. But I can't do this, I am not happy and he knows this. But I can't ignore my need for more.....he says he doesn't want to lose me, that he loves having me in his life. But at this point I don't know what is right or wrong anymore.
What a difficult place you are in, Sad; my heart so goes out to you in the midst of this. At least you have some insight into why you are there and an awareness that you have that belief so many of us share that our love will conquer all and make him come around and give us the love we know is possible if we just wait long enough. How many of us have found out the hard way that this is yet another one of those fantasies we buy into. Only you know what your timetable is here, but know that you have an alternative. It doesn't have to be so cut and dry. You can choose to live your own life now, letting him and your relationship with him fall into the background while you, my beautiful friend, and your life come to the forefront with the focus on those activities and hobbies and passions and social interactions that remind you of all that you are and all that you have separate from him. If you can live your life this way, shifting your commitment to yourself first, and him second, what he does or doesn't do won't matter nearly as much as it does now with so much energy and time and focus on him! No one deserves that kind of attention when it's so one-sided.
And while I understand the delicate balance of respecting his son's needs while recognizing and fulfilling his own, if he is truly on the same page as you, he will know how to make this balance work. Two years is a very long time to wait, Sad, and unfortunately, it doesn't get any easier over time. In my experience, the heartbreak only worsens as you invest more time and energy in someone you love like this but who just isn't there yet, and may never be.
Take the right and wrong out of this; make this about you instead with no right or wrong decision, only what you need, what you deserve, and what you want deep down in your heart. You say he is perfect in every way, except he can't commit. I'm wondering though, if that doesn't negate everything else if that is the one thing you need more than anything else. Time will tell, Sad, but it's up to you to decide what you want to do with that time between now and when it tells.
We always seem to fall the hardest for the ones who can't or won't commit. It seems for the ones who treat me like a queen I feel no passion whatsoever. I guess it's true that in life we want what we can't have. Sad, indeed. I just keep hoping that the right one will come along one day, who will treat me like a queen and for whom I will feel the passion.
I hear you Brenda; and it is sad because we miss out on so much when we're stuck in these types of relationships - even though we can't see it at the time. You've inspired a post about exactly this, so watch for it in the near future, as reading your words, I'm reminded of the many times I said the exact same thing when I was single and couldn't figure out how I was ever going to break out of this pattern. The key is in getting to the root of why this keeps happening to us, and figuring out how to change this pattern without selling out or selling ourselves short.
@Brenda I remember feeling that exact way, getting drawn to the guys that found it hard to commit or just WON'T, after sitting down and thinking why I would pursue such relationship then I figured it was because I usually got what I wanted so I felt I was not about to give up on this guy until I get what I want, it was a challenge that insisted on mind games & manipulation from his part because he knew what I was after & he knew what I wanted, that fairytale end result knowing he weren't going to give it. He just done things to make me believe omg he will soon commit and take us to the next level & get me excited & my hopes up even more & then it will never happen. So after this 3years roller coaster I thought there's no man worth me waiting that long to get what I want out of a healthy relationship. @confused they act hot & cold like that & try and reel you into where they feel comfortable that you won't go no where and find someone that can give you what you deserve because they are selfish & know deep down they will miss out but that doesn't mean anything because he still can't bring himself to commit, so he's not scared of losing you that bad. He still has his options open while your stuck on him, go and date and make him see it's not all about him with you, your focusing on you and getting what you want out of life & love. When you try and help him to realise stuff like his own issues, it will become annoying & you'll seem like his mother or something & he will distant himself even more because he's obviously not ready to face those fears. He will do it when he's ready & like Jane said if you guys are meant to be it will be but if not it won't happen. You never know what could happen... You can even move on find someone that treats you amazing like a queen & the feeling are reciprocated by you, someone who makes you feel safe, secure & never leaves anxiety or doubt in your mind & if this guy came back & said he was ready. It just might be TOO LATE and you'll then have the strength to send him on his way because you've found someone else that makes you feel amazing & you wouldn't want to go back to him. He may have came into your life for a reason to be a lesson for you to figure out more of what you want and don't want from a relationship. Then when someone great comes along and you've worked on yourself and figured out what you really want out of a healthy relationship. You'll be able to appreciate a GOOD GUY that wants the same thing as you a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
do not wait for this guy to make up his mind live your wonderful life because you might be waiting a long time. Life is too short & you only live once. No time for worries just be happy & smile. STRESS FREE when you walk away from those situations.
Very nicely written!!
I am feeling a bit ups and downs from a recent break up - reasons similar to what you wrote here. I just found your website last night and decided to check out what was posted on my birthday (Jan 9), and voila, here it is, exactly what I need.
Although it is hard when you have fallen for someone, you gotta choose YOU. I have been working on that for a couple of years now, but this recent break up shows me I still need to put in the continuous work. I've walked away, and maintained No Contact for almost 3 weeks now, very proud of myself. I'm afraid that he won't come back (typical!!) but I need to trus that it happens for the right reasons, for my best interests.
I choose myself. It's the absolute right thing to do. And I believe I will come out on the other end, GRAND!
Thanks, Jane.
You're so welcome, Cecilia - I'm so glad you found exactly what you needed here.
And yes, without a doubt, you have discovered that in choosing yourself, it is absolutely the best thing you can do! Be so proud of yourself for getting to that place, Cecilia!