Having Trouble Getting Over a Break Up? Why It's Time to Finally Move On

You knew it would be hard getting over him, but you never realized just how hard this was going to be. Whether he ended it, or you, the reality is you didn't want it to end. All you ever wanted was it to work out, but in the end, you realized it would take more than just you making that happen. So here you are, trying to accept the reality of what is and move on, but that deep sadness and longing for what could have been lingers on, leaving you wondering if you'll ever get over him.

Getting over a recent (or worse, a not so recent) break up can be one of the most difficult things in life to do, and for good reason. It makes sense – your life was intertwined with this person and you opened and shared your delicate heart with him, making yourself vulnerable to your worst fear – having that heart crushed and broken into a million little pieces. And facing the reality of starting over, alone. While it may feel like the only thing that you can bring yourself to do is continue to hold out hope that someday you'll wake up and find out that it was really just a bad dream, the reality is that the sooner you can bring yourself to move on, the better.

Why? Because if you're still holding out hope that you're going to get back together with your ex, then you will be subconsciously comparing every guy you meet with your ex. While this might not sound like a big deal – I mean, you have to have some rating system for the guys you meet and date, so why not have a "gold standard" to compare to? - the problem is that this gold standard is actually setting the bar impossibly high.

What's really happening.

When you spend your time and energy reminiscing about your past relationship, you're really not remembering your ex himself, but the wonderful feelings that you had when you were with him. And you're also "remembering" the things that you had planned to do with him, and you're experiencing a sense of loss of those future events, because now they will not happen the way you imagined. The problem is that these feelings are filtered through your memory, and your mind tends to idealize those memories.  And that future? Well, of course it's impossibly perfect because that's what we do best; we envision a future that's perfect, based solely on that idealism and what we know could be possible instead of the reality that was the more likely scenario.

The earlier in the relationship it was, the more optimistic you felt about the relationship and the more you put it up on a pedestal, idealized it and elevated it to almost mythical status. In your mind it was so perfect, so wonderful; he did all the right things, said all the right things, and was exactly what you always wanted, your Mr. Right, your dream guy.

It's just a dream.

But the truth is that he wasn't your dream guy, or it wouldn't have ended. Because your real dream guy would feel the same way about you as you feel about him, and if that was the case you wouldn't have broken up.  Remember that if he really was Mr. Right, he would not have crushed your heart the way he did. I'm not saying that he's a bad guy for doing it; he probably didn't intend to hurt you, it’s just that the relationship wasn't right, at least for him, and that means that he really wasn't your Mr. Right. Real love with someone who truly is Mr. Right is always reciprocal – with both of you on the same page - and you wouldn't want it any other way. You want to be Mrs. Right as much as he's your Mr. Right.

It's holding you back

It's never easy to let go of a dream, but the bottom line is that pining for your past relationship is what keeps you from making progress in life right now, and it's what's  keeping you from moving toward the relationship that you really want; the right relationship for you, a healthy relationship.

If you continue to hold on to the belief that the two of you are going to get back together, then you will not get to the grieving stage, which is such a necessary part of moving forward. You need to realize, right now, that you are not going to get back together, and make it your choice. You need to remember the reasons the two of you are not together – even if you feel like it was your fault – say, you were too clingy, or paranoid, or jealous. Well, there were probably things that made you feel that way, and the truth is that in order to be in a healthy relationship you need a combination of time to work on yourself, and get to the root of why you are feeling these unhealthy feelings, and also you need to be with a guy who will treat you in a way that you don't need to feel those feelings.

Finally breaking free of the chains that holding onto your ex puts you in, separating from your ex allows  you to truly explore your true self and allows you to connect to that beautiful woman you truly are without the danger of trying to be something you’re not just to please him.

You can finally release the negative feelings about your ex, and replace those with positive feelings about yourself and your life. If you just stop thinking about him eventually those negative feelings that are eating at you will disappear and you'll be ready to allow new love into your life.

Know that these feelings that you felt with him were yours, and you haven't lost the ability to feel those feelings. He didn't cause you to feel them; you felt them because you have the capacity to feel that kind of love. Which means you can feel it again.

Instead of letting your heart get hardened, use this experience to propel you forward towards an even better relationship.  You deserve nothing less than this!