When You're Ready For a Change

When it's time to make a change, start with external changes and use those to drive the necessary internal changes.
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When I first moved down to Southern California from Vancouver, Canada it was because I was desperately in need of a change. I was tired of being single. Almost all my friends were married, and the ones who were single were stuck in the same negative patterns, bringing themselves down and me down with them.

I felt like I had exhausted the supply of any men worth dating out there and I was tired of repeating the same old patterns over and over again with the same kind of princes who always turned out to be frogs. Attracting emotionally unavailable men, however promising and full of potential they seemed, had become my MO and was taking a toll on my self-esteem. I was starting to question whether there really was something wrong with me after all, and was beginning to wonder whether I would ever find someone compatible who would want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him!

California seemed so full of promise; the promise of a new life, of a sort of rebirth, and I felt it calling to me even as I had visited there and found everything falling into place to make the move to this new life. I was sure this was going to be the beginning of my new life.

What I found, however, was that although everything was new and exciting, I was still attracting a very similar kind of man. One that I soon came to recognize as the same kind I had been attracting back in my old hometown. The realization struck me that even though I had made such a huge change in my move, I was still the same me. I was still the same person with the same subconscious needs that were still attracting the same type of men in this new location, even though everything externally was different.

I suddenly realized that even though I had made such a big external change, and had gotten a whole new look, and a new wardrobe and a new career, I was essentially the same person inside. It was no wonder I was still attracting the same thing; I had changed the exterior things of myself, but I hadn’t gotten to the root of the source. The me deep down inside with all of the baggage I had accumulated over my entire life to that point and time in my life. And no changes to the external were going to bring about the kind of true change I was looking for until I finally figured that out.

And this is what I ultimately discovered: While external change can often be the impetus for true change, providing the inspiration to give us the motivation to change course, it is only when we look within ourselves to make those internal changes within ourselves, that we can expect to start attracting something different in our lives and creating a truly new life for ourselves. Without that internal shift in consciousness, we can’t expect any external changes to automatically bring about the changes in our relationships that we’re looking for. Until we figure that out, we are only bringing our old selves along with us.

So, if you feel that urge to change your life up, try out a new city or even country, to remake yourself, by all means go ahead and follow that new path and make those external changes that give you a fresh new start to your life. But along the way, remember that making that fresh start and breaking those all too familiar relationship patterns that aren’t working is all about helping you do the internal work of looking honestly and lovingly at yourself and who you really are, and asking yourself those deep questions we talked about in our last post. It's about letting go of what's not working, and finding yourself.

It’s never easy to be honest with ourselves and face some of our toughest decisions where love and relationships are concerned, but it’s the only way to start bringing something different into our lives, and ultimately someone worthy of the kind of love we have to offer.


  1. Angel says

    I just came across this post, Jane and it is soooooooooo my situation.
    I moved away from home 8 months ago. It's been a very drastic change because I moved from a culture that is quite opposite to the one I find here where I am living now. I had been wanting to move away from home ever since I was 15 years old. I kept dreaming about it, longing for it and even though I had this vision of life outside of my country in terms of safety, variety in culture and people, other interests and the possibility to pursue other passions, one of the main reasons why I felt I needed to leave was because I thought I would never find anyone good enough over there. I still think that it is somehow true due to cultural conditioning in my home country, but now that I am here and everything is different, I realized that I ended up in the same situation when it came to love. I ended up attracting the same kind of man right when I got here. Promising at first, but he turned out to have no interest in me whatsoever even when he behaved like he could be interested. That's when it hit me and I felt so ashamed and disappointed. It's me! I am "the problem". Then I stopped for the first time in my life to think about who I am and now I can say: I don't know! I thought I did, but I think I just let myself be conditioned by society, what my "friends" said, what my family said... I am not exactly sure now if I want a relationship because I honestly want one or because I have been led to believe I have to have one, otherwise I am not normal.
    It's been a painful realization, it's been also a good thing because now I see I can start changing within. It is hard though. It's tough to unlearn and modify these patterns of behavior you've been having all your life. That's where I think I need some help. I also need a break. I feel like I have always been looking for someone. Every single social interaction I have made has been thinking if the other person thinks I am attractive, if they think I am smart, I have been so insecure all my life. I want it to stop. I still don't know how I am going to change all those harmful thoughts I've had so far, but I am determined to change. I can't keep attracting this crappy situations any longer. I cannot keep attracting people that don't care the least about me, I need to start toughening up a bit and demanding what I deserve.
    Thank you so much, Jane for this site. It has helped me realize I am not alone, there is a way to change, there is another way.

  2. Princess says

    This is where I am now. I have been married and now divorced for 12 yrs. My last relationship ended after 5 years. He was emotionally unavailable and I finally had the guts to say good-bye and not look back. Its been a year. I noticed that after my divorce I was attracting only married men, which I was smart enough not to have anything to do with. But the man I setteled for was not married but was not ready for a relationship but yet I held on to him for 5 years off and on.
    Jane, I have been single and have tried dating here and there and I've been in therapy over the last year since my breakup trying to figure out why I keep attracting these type of men. I actually gave up dating because since my break-up the men I attracted only stuck to texting as a mode of communication and the moment I told them that I didn't mind texting but a phone call every now and then would be good too. I stopped hearing from them. I mean period. Now the old me would have freaked out and pursued etc., But I didn't do that which to me felt like a huge step. I just let it be. One of them resurfaced after 2 weeks and tried to pick up from where we left off like he never vanished. I still was smart and was polite to him but didn't entertain his houdini behavior and he got the message and vanished for good. That again is another big achievement for me.
    I would like to meet a man that is good for me. But its exhausting and I have thrown in the towel and just haven't made any more attempts. I just don't get it. I really don't. I now know not to get involved with men that are emotionally unavailable. I know not to even start any kind of relationship but I am not sure why I am only attracting these kind of men! Maybe I am not done with my internal work and I am prematurely expecting things to change, but its been a year. Sigh...

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