The Case of the Disappearing Man

The case of the disappearing manWe've all been there – you've gone on a couple of dates, had a great time, then suddenly, as quickly as it started…silence. Nothing but crickets.

So why did it happen? Why did he just vanish from your life? Well, the truth is, it's because he wasn’t the guy for you. You may have felt it, but it wasn’t there for him.

Maybe he got scared, maybe he found someone else, or maybe he got back with an ex. The truth is it just doesn’t matter. For whatever reason, he decided he’s not the one for you. And that’s good news. Because if he stuck around and you built a foundation around him, and then it crumbled, it would be much, much worse.

I know you want to know the reason why, but what good would it do? Do you really want to hear the truth? That he didn’t find you attractive enough, smart enough, or secure enough? Just think through all of the possibilities, including that he found someone else or got back with an ex, and just go with the one that hurts the least.

And know that it's really a gift.

It’s actually a gift that he didn’t tell you why – because now you’re in control. You can decide why it ended. It’s him, not you (it really is). And then you can truly move on, and on your own terms. And moving on is the best thing you can do.

If it’s been 4 or 5 days and he hasn’t called, and before that he was calling you every other day or even every day, then the reality is that you don’t want him to call. Because it’s been too long. If he calls now and you’re OK with it, then you’re going backwards. You’re becoming a doormat.

Don’t be a doormat.

If he calls now and you ream him out for it, and tell him you’ll never accept that kind of behavior again, he might change and start calling you more often. But do you really want a guy who calls you because he doesn’t want to get yelled at? No. You want a guy who calls you because he loves you, and he really likes talking to you. And that guy is out there. Tell Mr. didn’t call for 4 or 5 days that it’s been too long and you’ve moved on. Then move on with your respect and self-esteem intact.

And then go out and find a guy that actually likes to talk to you.


    • Jane says

      Exactly, Stacey - and yet, one of the hardest things to do when you're in the thick of it even if you know in your heart it's the best thing to do.

      • Laura says

        Thank you! I am just about in the same situation. 4 wonderful fantastic dates, lots of care and being " the best". And then suddenly disappeared, no contact for 5 days. Scared? Found somebody else? Not ready? I do not know, do not care. But can not resist an urge to text: " I do not know why you made a decision we are not right for each other. You may have thousands of reasons. You are still wonderful for me. But it's time for me to move on . Good bye " Silly? Needy ? But it will let me have a closure.

        • nameless says

          My story is not even that date thing. I'm only typing here since someone posted last month. So hopefully someone will read this. I guess this typing will be my closure. How about bumping into someone you haven't seen for YEARS! We talked forever. I couldn't figure if he was interested just as a friend or was "interested". Got mixed messages during hours we talked, one example, held my hand at times! Long story short, he wanted to keep in touch, we exchanged numbers as I thought good friends to be, maybe more we'll see. He wanted to hang out with me longer, I told him I gotta go, I'll take a raincheck. He gave me the hint to kiss, and we did. I assumed he was interested, but I've been tricked by so many men, who knows what that kiss meant. I told him to call me anytime etc, he told me to call him too. Sigh....last guy who told me that never called me, and I didnt call either! Guy emailed apologizing he lost my ph#, whatever, never heard from him again. So I wasn't happy this guy said same thing and with a sigh I said OK. I was told to text that I got home OK, I did thanking him for a great time and reminded him to keep in touch. Well....never heard from him still! Two weeks going on....if any married couple has a story like mine, then there's hope. But, I now am done with ever thinking I'll find Mr Right, this takes the cake, a guy who had so much in common with me, I could finish his sentences of what he was gonna say, we have same faith etc. Even as just friends....i think he'd call by now is my main point. A quick text even would've been nice, but nope! There are holes in my story as it would take sooo long to type. I just want to say after him wanting to kiss me, it changed everything in "the call". If he never wanted to kiss, this not hearing from him would've been a non issue. Again, this takes the cake with feeling so lousy after feeling on cloud nine, that wow, could this be the one! Thanks for letting me type here anonomously . I want to be pursued by Mr. Right, I shouldn't have to get in touch first regardless of what this article says.

          • Angel says

            The article doesn't talk about calling rules. There are no rules. Stop thinking about this guy and what he wants for a moment and flip it to you. Is a guy like that what you want? A man who doesn't show interest? Who doesn't call? He's not it. It sucks, but there's really nothing to hold onto here.
            The reason we keep getting disappointed is because we project our fantasies onto every man who shows flimsy signs of interest, instead of remaining focused on ourselves, and reality.
            Think about it.

  1. NINA says

    I'm so confused..I met two guys last year both dissapeared. One suddenly after a year together he told me by text that 'its not goin to work'. Before that I would see him every weekend. He spent time with me & my two children. We did several days out together. It's been four months now. He hasn't called since, I called quite frequently as I found it so hard to let go. He always returned my calls but never came back to see us. I've been on no contact and I've got five dayys to go, and it will be a month. I often call and hang up but know I can't go
    The other guy I was seeing for 6 months...but it was very infrequent..he dissapearared after I made it quite clear I.. couldn't handle the sporadic dating I.e calling infrequently..dissapearing for days. A year later I see him just generally out and about. We get talking and he asks me 'why I havnt called him'....gobsmacked he was the one who dissapeared. He then gives me his number but its returned back to how it was originally..
    Completely confused...why can't dating and men be simple...where do I go wrong..

    • Jane says

      Of course you're so confused, Nina; I understood all too well how confusing it is to be with these types of men when you're in the thick of it. And of course it's so hard to let go when they send such conflicting messages and feel so good to be with. There are so many thoughts that come to mind, most of which can be found in a post I wrote on this exact phenomenon about why you keep attracting the wrong guys, and this one regarding why love should never be complicated.

      I hope these help to shed some light on these relationships. And know that you are not alone in this; it's in the going through these situations that we finally understand the work we need to do on ourselves to get to that other side. Recognizing something isn't working is always the first step in making the changes that start attracting someone different into our lives. You're on your way!

  2. Lacey says

    The thing I struggle with on this issue is: Why can't he just explain himself like a normal human being? Why can't he just call and explain that he wasn't feeling it or he doesn't think there is any chemistry, or he's decided to pursue something or someone else. I prefer brutal honesty to just being abandoned. Especially if it's been a few months and I'm beginning to get emotionally attached.

    • Jane says

      I hear you, Lacey - I always struggled with that myself. And that's what is so hard about this kind of guy - he seems so interested, so attracted, that you do get emotionally attached because his behavior makes you feel that you have every reason to! Until that change happens. And then it just doesn't make sense.

      And it doesn't make any sense to him either, but it's the way that works for him and so it doesn't matter how much you want him to just be honest with you, he can't or won't and he doesn't even know why. And that's our cue to stop trying to figure him out and focus on ourselves instead and on someone who will be honest with us, who is emotionally and physically available to have a real relationship with us in the first place.

  3. Selene says

    I have situation like this. I see him and then we dont see each other until like two or seven days later. One time we didnt speak for 3 months and then boom, he calls and Im in total shock like I thought you forgot about me. but I realized after that he explained how he lost his phone and just got a new one. He always ask me to call him because he likes when I call him and he doesnt want to say his gonna call and then dont call. He doesnt want to disappoint me I guess. His great and all. Personality and all. But after reading your articles, I realize that I need to look after myself. Although I do cal him when I think about him or text him. He does reply but within like 10 hours after the call with a sorry i missed your text/call I was busy. So I think this might work but Im not allowing my hopes to get high because Ive realized that my world doesnt revolve around the person Im with or pursuing or being pursued by. Ive gained confidence and your articles have inspired me to continue what Im doing.

    I have a life and I know he does too. So our lives at this moment do not revolve around each other and so I dont mind seeing him when I see him or talk to him i talk to him. He doesnt mind that I call him when I think of him. But thank you for your articles. I love them and keep up the great work. Im a college student soon to start working on my Master's degree and he hasnt started college yet. So i see that im ahead and I know not to use time on someone that doesnt wish to do the same for me. But at the same time I know he sees me as focused and stable woman. So I am confident. Even if it doesnt work I still learned and am learning allot. #happyholidays

    • Jane says

      Thank you for your kind words, Selene; I'm so glad to hear you're finding something here to help you find your way on this journey. Know that if someone really is interested in you, they will pursue you and they will initiate contact with you; you won't have to be the one calling all the time. But in the meantime, you have figured out such an important key to relationships - the relationship you have with yourself. If you nurture that one before any others, and always remember who you are and all that you have to offer, you will find yourself in a much stronger position to choose who you allow into your life. Happy Holidays to you, too, my beautiful friend! :-)

  4. Lulu says

    I was seeing this guy for almost 3 months. He ask me if we became serious. He texted and call me all the time. He'll tell me how much he really likes me and i could be his girlfriend. Everything went smooth. He greeted me for Christmas and suddenly he stop talking to me. New Years eve he try to talk to me and i greeted him Happy New Year and after that i haven't talk to him since then. Should i try to talk to him or wait.. and I don't mind moving on. :)

    • Jane says

      This is always so hard to understand;how someone can change, almost overnight, without any reason that we can see or understand. It really comes down to what you are looking for from him, Lulu. Ultimately, you will know if he is still interested in you because if he is, you will hear from him again. But the question is more about you. Are you ok with this? You've known him almost 3 months, which isn't a very long time, but it should still be long enough for both of you to know if you are interested in pursuing a relationship with each other. If your relationship has been based on direct communication, then it should be natural for you to talk to him and see where he's at. But if it's been more of an emotionally distant relationship without being equally balanced between the both of you, than this might be his way of getting some space and he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you directly. Either way, talking to him about it usually doesn't change anything. If he's not comfortable talking or is looking to distance himself, you probably won't get an honest answer out of him anyway, and if you just wait and see, you'll find out his level of interest that way, too. You deserve someone who you don't have to question what's going on with them and the relationship, Lulu, so if you're having doubts, you may want to explore that further and see if your answer becomes clearer in looking at what you are and aren't getting out of this relationship.

  5. shaima says

    i've know him for years ,we were friends and then all of sudden he said that he loves me ,he was AMAZING caring and he treated me like a princess and then after a couple of months he started to disappear for 4 or 5 days not calling ,i told him that i dnt like this and it makes me feel alone and that i dnt want him to disappear like this again,he said ok and it was ok for a while then he started disappearing again,now i dont like the way he is treating me ,he calls every 4 or 3 days and we go out every week or 10 days ,and he's always silent and never talks to me even when we go out he just keep staring at his phone ,im not sure what i should do or if he even still loves me
    its so confusing i dont know why he changed so much in such a short period :(

    • Jane says

      We often never know the reason why someone changes the way they are with us, Shaima; but what you can know for sure is that you can always choose whether you want to stay and continue to be treated this way, or whether to move on when your repeated talks with him to try to change things aren't changing anything. This is where we become the empowered beautiful, radiant, confident women we truly are because it is we who teach every single man how we deserve to be treated - by our actions.

      If he knows you won't put up with these behaviors from him, Shaima, and he wants to be with you, he will be very motivated to make some changes. If he doesn't, then you will know where he stands and be able to make your own decision much easier. Either way, it is your actions that say so much more than your words, and if you understand this, you will see that you really have much more say in your relationships than you think. You never, ever have to settle for less than someone who actively pursues you and makes sure you know how he feels about you. You are always worth so much more than this!

  6. Preet says

    Superb article it was like I was reading wat happend with meh.....
    There is one guy he is ma BIL's close frnd....and we got to knw each other formally at ma sis weddin...and more than a month ago went to ma sis place for a festivle and i met him there again bt we didnt talkd much....then afta few days i got his frnd req on social networkin....he wantd some pics that i clickd at the function i sent....and he lookd interested in meh and i too wanted to knw him more.....then he started chattin with me at first i was nt too open....but later he seemed a gud guy then i use to talk frndly with him....i started fallin for him and thru his talks it seemed he also think the same abt me....then we chated more n more daily....he use to say u r the 1st gal to whom i share evethng, he use to be too carin, supportive...and really he use to share evethng lyk where he is goin, wat he is doin wats his weekend plans bla bla n bla.....and day by day we chated more he askd for ma no. Twice bt 1st i denied 2nd tym i gave the we use chat on messenger daily alot.....then afta that he use to cal meh each consequtive day.....then one day i askd him wat he feels abt me...wateva it is say it, he was lil shy to accept his feelings for me so he told u i lyk u as a frnd, later wil thinj how it ll i was clear abt ma feelings i said i lyk u....afta his that rply i was lil upset for almost 2 days bt he said sorry for wat he said then later we chatted bt i was stil upset so answered him less, but he was still cheering me up and he said i need tym i said thats okay bt wat u feel jus say it i wnt feel he wasnt ready i was lyk okay and i was in a good mood by the evening...and he was all happy that m happy....then later lyk the every other day he went to gym and he use to inform me bt that he didnt and askd him where he is he said on the way to gym i said ok....then afta that i msgd him thrice he didnt rplied....and he told me b4 that his 2 frnz knws he chat with me, then afta returnin frm gym he didnt chatted with me nor replied me i askd then too no response, so i decided to talk in the morning, so the next morng i askd wat hap, he said nthng u nly told to talk less n rest its upto u....i said its rude....he said u too talkd rude bt i said i said u sory for that many times....then he said ya thats okay.....he its nt gonna work futher bst of luck for ur future n all that sudddnly i was abt to cry....he i dnt deserve ur frndshp n m bad i said its nthng lyk that the situation is bad....then he said m always busy n that may hurt u if didnt replied ur msgs i cant give u tym so bettr nt to talk i said i hav neva eva complaint abt that weneva u free tlk to meh....he said m busy i said okay.....later in the eve i msgd hin that i gone thru the convo i have been rude so again extremly sory.....i tried ma bst to save the frnship bt he didnt replied me ever though he came ol.....then afta 2 days his status was if u dnt wannna hurt sm1 avoid them it was for me n m in puzzeled state that wat is d reason, his frnd askd whom u avoidin then he answered spl thanks to u....m sure that smthng his frnz said i donno knw the reason for his sudden behaviour wat is the thing that can hurt me and he is nt sayin shud i move on or wait??? Coz i think if i ll ask him he is nt gonna tell me the u hav any solution???

    • Jane says

      It's always so hard to have someone come on strong in the beginning and then suddenly start pulling away from you, Preet, especially when there doesn't seem to be a clear reason. It sounds like you've done everything you can to keep this relationship going, but he's just not on the same page as you. If he isn't actively pursuing you, but simply responding instead, that's always a red flag that he's just not there where you are. When he's pulling away, and you start pushing for more, and he isn't giving you anything or telling you what's going on or why, and keeping his reasons to himself, then do what most honors yourself and your self-respect and give him the space he's clearly looking for right now.

      In the end, it doesn't matter what his reason is; if he was interested in pursuing something more and keeping this relationship going, he would be. As much as that can hurt, know that it hurts more the longer you hang on to something that isn't working, to someone that isn't on the same page as you. And know, Preet, that it always takes two people who both want the same thing and are on the same page to make a relationship work. This isn't any reflection on you, it's about him. You don't want someone who plays games with you and your heart. And you deserve nothing less than someone who keeps actively pursuing you and initiating contact with you, not just in the beginning, but throughout a relationship.

  7. Britt says

    I am absolutely devastated after what just had happened these 3 days. I've been exclusively dating this man for exactly 1 year. We both talked about our relationship as we see each other as a couple despite of our "title". It was I who intiated for us to take things slow and let our relationship/bond take its course since I was very scared to let my guards down due to a past traumatizing relationship. Everything was great as we spend 3-5 times out of the week. Our communication on the phone was everyday in the morning and everyday in the evening no matter what. Up until the last week of March, my friend (whose a girl) came into town from TX and we hung out that whole weekend. I had invited him along wherever we were going, but he had to work that Easter weekend. He invited me over on Easter for a dinner with his family, but I sensed some awkwardness going on between him and I over the phone and thru txt msgs. So I declined the offer and told him I will stay at home. The next day which was Monday morning, he didn't do his usually good morning phone call but I figured he might of slept in late or had a late work shift. We work next down the street from each other, so I happened to run across him and we chatted like usual. He seemed apprehensive as to why I didn't go to him for Easter, but we laughed everything off like usual. Well he calls me late that evening and we chatted 5 minutes but apparently he received a phone call from his brother who is in the army. He told me he will call back, but it was late and I assume he was asleep.

    Next day I called him, no answer, text him, no answer and oddly enough he was off work, so I would assume he had time to atleast respond. Nope... nothing.. 3 days gone by and I've been crying and heartbroken ever since and i text him long messages and he responded back 6 hours later that " he got alot on his mind and that he needs a trip to go away and that he hope I understand"????? Where did that come from! So i asked him if he is seeing someone else to let me know and I'll leave him alone and he says "no".

    Am not making excuses for his actions, but I am so heartbroken, I cant eat, sleep, I have a pounding headache and don't know what to do other than to leave him alone. I'm on the verge of puking as I am sick behind this.

    • Jane says

      oh Brit, my heart goes out to you! Of course you're heartbroken - you've gotten no specific clarification from him and yet something's clearly changed. When you've invested so much of yourself in this man over the last year, how could you not be devestated? And yet, Brit, please know this isn't really about you. You haven't done anything wrong, there's nothing wrong with you; this is solely about him. For some reason, something's triggered him, something's going on with him that has nothing to do with you.

      For whatever reason, he's just not able to share this with you so at least you'd have some more to go on and be able to process this better. He's just not able to. Try not to jump ahead or read more into this. While you don't know what's really going on with him, the reality is he isn't giving you many options here. He wants you to simply understand while he goes away to sort out whatever is affecting him. And while that's a lot to ask of you when you've built a relationship with him over the course of a whole year, you still have at least a couple of options.

      You can track him down, continue to call and text him or go to his house or work or wherever else you might find him and put yourself through all of the various scenarios that might be happening based on your imagination running wild -I've been there so I do understand that panic you're feeling right now all too well. Or you can choose to do the best thing you can do for you; you can accept that this is as much as he's able to tell you about what's going on, that this is where he's at, and you can choose to give him the space that he's asking for to sort this out. You can choose to calm yourself knowing that if you and he truly have something strong between you, it will withstand this and you will come through this still together. You can rest in the truth that if the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen because a real relationship is always about two people on the same page committed to making the relationship work regardless of whatever obstacles they face.

      And if you this isn't the case, if the two of you can't weather whatever storm is breaking here with him and your relationship, then please know, my beautiful brokenhearted friend, that you are still the same wonderful, attractive, desirable woman you were before this all happened. We can't make someone love us, we can't control what they do or don't do or how much they choose to let us in, but we can always choose ourselves and our lives and all that we are and all that we have to offer someone who is truly deserving of that beautiful woman known as you! You deserve nothing less than that - regardless of what choices any man makes!

  8. Britt says

    2 months later from my last post ^^^^...

    He cheated and is with the other girl. She works with us and their so in love. That was what he couldn't tell me and sadly, I found out thru a mutual friend that works with all of us. He was sleeping with her while with me. Yep! Still heartbroken and lonely after all he did to me. He never once contacted me to apologize and at work, he acts like I do not exist. His girlfriend knows of me and she gives me such an awkward smirk of a smile. Never date someone from work!! Their now happily in love and she spends time with him and his family 24/7. She spends the night with him everyday at home and he lives with his parents. Talk about awkwardly embarrassing, but what can I say! I haven't contacted him since the Breakup 2 months ago. I refuse to allow myself to look desperate and weak even though I feel it was "my loss". He didn't deserve me as I was so good to him. Gave him my all and treated him like a king. Apparently, he never felt the same way about me. Infact, he treats her like a Queen in 2 months and when him and I were together, he didn't do anything nice for me. I made him happy and treated him good, but he didn't deserve me! I deserve a man that wants me to feel special and loved not a man who takes advantage of a good woman and doesn't appreciate her love, efforts and honesty.

    I am sad this happened but I am glad its over. I don't ever have to worry about him lying to me anymore, I don't have to worry about being with someone who didn't love me. I am free to love again and hope someone will love me back and be honest to me.

    • Jane says

      I'm so sorry, Britt; I know how much you wanted a different ending. But know, just like you say, you don't ever have to worry about being lied to anymore, wondering what's going on. He wasn't able to be honest with you, and so he chose to go the route he did, but know this wasn't about you - it was about him. If he could do this to you, he could do it to her, too, and there is always more to the story than what it seems on the surface - no matter how much in love they seem - there's always more there than you see!

      Let her smirk, my beautiful friend, she has him now, but she also has someone who could treat her the same way he did you, and you are the one that is truly free and available for that wonderful soul who is looking for you, too! Don't ever doubt that there will be someone who will love you back and be honest with you! It's not about hoping for that - be confident of that!

      But also be easy on yourself here because this is still very fresh and you are bound to second-guess yourself and question whether this truly was for the best. Know that this is a gift, even if it doesn't seem like it, and you will look back on this one day and see the situation in a clear light of something that wasn't meant for you, wasn't about you, and wasn't the loss it feels like. It's not your loss, it's your gain. Don't doubt that for one second, Britt. You deserve nothing less than someone who is on the same page as you and wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. Anything less than that isn't right for you, no matter how much it seems like it - and he - has the potential to be all that!

    • A.B. says

      Hi! Umm, Britt... very curious. Does his girlfriend know that he was sleeping with you while he was also with her? lol! If she doesn't know, maybe you should tell her the next time she gives you that dumb sly smirk of a smile:-)

  9. Tahera says

    My man was loving and caring, we are in a sexual relationship. He is a traditional guy. Whwat he does is he used to tell me when he is going to home, but recently he does not tell me he does not evn tell me when he is back he told me that it is hard for him to come visit me if he has no money even if i tell him that money is not important to me and myson he just dont show up. recently he does not even call me . He is not able to open up to me about his life. so i am confused cause he would ask me no matter what happends I should stay with him. during sex he tell me that he wish our love could grow till death do us apart. I already introduced him to myson. and I told him I do not want to introduce him unless he is sure that I am the woman for him. instead he forced himself to know myson. he met my sister and brother in law and promised to visit tomake an appointment to meet them. Is he still inlove with me or is he just passing by.

    • Jane says

      I always see a red flag when someone is clearly dominating the relationship and it becomes more one-sided than mutual. And when there are excuses, that is always concerning as well. Tahera, rather than focusing so much on what he does or doesn't do, or what he thinks, I would ask yourself what you think. What does this man mean to you? What are you looking for from him? When you're with him, do you feel better about yourself or worse?

      If you want someone who dominates and controls and only opens up during sex, then it sounds like that is what you have, but if you want someone who is open and giving and meets you mutually in this relationship, he may not be capable of giving you that.

      Take back your own power here, Tahera, and live the life you want your life to be, for both you and your son, and you will know soon enough if he is on that page or not by how he responds to the you that isn't willing to be controlled and dominated. It's your commitment to yourself and your son and the life you deserve that always says so much more than any words can say. You're always the one who shows him how to treat you, my beautiful friend!

  10. Deejay says

    How come I still see him and fel like he is my future husband? Ihave never felt like this before about anyone. ive been through heartache and Ive cried many nights and could move on..but this for some reaon is different. Eventhough several bad things occurred, i still cannot let go. Ive stopped calling and he will reach out, ive stopped visits and then we will see one another and have moments of intimacy that are amazing. I'm torn and he said he is at a cross roads.

    Long story short, we dated for almsot a year long distanceand it was hard becasue fo the distance but we still managed visits 1-2 times a month. In the beginning neither of us was looking for a relationship but within months it grew to that. We talked every single day adn teh conversation as never forced and he always called me and vice versa. We took a trip - he paid - upon returning home, I recieved a message from a woman claiming to be his girlfriend. It was true. He confirmed it and told her i was someone different, just a friend and I was was marriedand my husband and I had complications. All not true. her and I spoke and she said he eventually told the truth and he admitted to havng strong feeligs for me. he even called and apologized the very next day. He said he fell in love with me and had't anticpated this - andnow he is at a crossroads about what to do becasue her and i are good women and he messed up. He also left out some life details that were major about children. i knew he had one but he neglected to tell me about another as a result of something I mentioned. He said that in time he felt that if he told me, i would leave him. ( truth) Now that the cat is out the bag - he wants us to still be friends. He said he is not with her , they occassionaly talk, as him and I do, but he said that since everythng has happened he enjoys not having to be accountable to anyone right now but he said he loves me nd can still see me as his wife. It breaks my heart. I recently saw him and we spent time together and the feelings came bck after several months and i asked him how he was feeling... he said its more difficult than I assme for him to make a decision becasue he knows it will be life changing. In all this, i have met others, flirted, gone out, but there is something that I cannot shake. He reminded me that what we had was real. Was it? I have told him that if he decides to be with her, then to let me know and I will move on. Am i being stupid by allowing him the decison? Is it possible for a man to love two women or is he lying and just got caught and can't let go? I know I'm better than him in so many ways, but the crazy thing is I feel like he is a soul mate - becasue we communicate so well and are open. we talk about committment and being ready, we've discussed a future...but to hear her tell me...they have had te same conversations. Is he playing a game that i am bound to lose in? Please help ladies...I am stuck. i am also tired of crying and whenever pull away, he always , always seems to be there. Any and all advice would help.

    Don't want to be a fool for love

    • Jane says

      Here's the thing about so many of these types of men, Deejay; we're attracted to them for a reason that has everything to do with us and colors the whole reality of the relationship so that you see things so differently than what someone from an objective standpoint sees. He has it made. He can tell you and her and whoever else he finds himself attracted to the same exact things and you all will buy into it and believe it because it triggers something in all of you so deep, so subconscious that you will excuse him in so many ways. You deserve so much better than this, my beautiful friend.

      Be proud of yourself, though; because on some level you get this, Deejay. When you ask "Am I being stupid by allowing him the decision?" - to choose you or her while you wait - you already knew your own answer. Take back your own power here and make your decision, Deejay. Do you really want someone who may or may not choose you over someone else? Do you really want someone who has to think about whether or not he's going to pick you? You know all your answers here. No, you don't want to be a fool for love, and you know you don't have to be. You know just how powerful you truly are!

      But there's something about him - that isn't actually about him, but about you - that keeps you hoping, keeps you hanging on believing what you so want to believe to be true about him. Accept that part of yourself, but know that it's about your own unhealthy attraction to someone who isn't worthy of you, but who does a great job of convincing you that he is. It's that amazing because you know he's not there. Deep down, you know the truth, Deejay. You sense it. But this pull from him is so very strong because you believe somehow that if he chooses you, you'll prove something to someone and that means so much to you. It's not true, though, you are loveable and beautiful and strong, and worth so much, my beautiful friend. You only lose this game if you choose to play it. Don't waste your beautiful tears on someone who can't be there for you except to play the savior role when it serves him to do so. Set your own terms. Let him know what you will put up with and stick to that. You can do this, Deejay. You can.

  11. Melissa says

    So I have a bit of a unique situation. I was online dating and things seemed to be going well when I added him on Facebook and a couple hours later... nothing. He's not just abandoned the ship but burnt the ship behind him; he blocked me on Facebook and the dating site. I have been careful to make sure I present myself in an honest way both in how I talk/present myself and my pictures. I wouldn't be so concerned but this has happened to me a couple of times, and it sucks that I can't ask them why so I can take the constructive critisism and not make the same mistake again. Online dating sucks. I don't think I'm going to ever do that again.

    • Jane says

      There's no constructive criticism to take, Melissa. Everyone is looking for different things, different types of people, and what makes you attractive and someone want to pursue you will be different for everyone. Even if you knew exactly what happened, this is always about them - and where they're at and what they're looking for or not looking for - and not you!

      Be glad you found this out early, as hard as it is to see it this way, the reality is that you won't be wasting your time and energy on someone who clearly isn't on the same page as you. No matter how many times it's happened, it's happened because they haven't been right for you, not because there's anything wrong with you!

  12. Nina says

    OMG, Jane! Isn't it a bit too harsh? He did not xall for 4-5 Days and that's it? How do you even explain it to a guy? He will probably be like:"Yes, I was focusing on my studies/work. How was I supposed to know I have to call at least every three days? My schefule is busy and I am only available once a week. I thought it's normal. It's not like we are married. We are just starting to date and you already have all those tough rules? And if you really needed to talk to me that bad, why didn't you call?" I think completely discarding a nice and hardworling guy just because he wass not aware of your three day cut off rule is sort of harsh. Well, maybe do not fall for him yet, and do not stop dating other men just for him yet, but do not reject him 100% just yet?

    • Jane says

      It's the change in a pattern that's the point here, Nina. If someone suddenly stops calling and you're left wondering if they've fallen off the face of the earth, that's what we're talking about. Every relationship is different, everyone has their own calling patterns and comfort level with various communications. Take what resonates with you and leave the rest. It's all about being confident of what your own terms are and what you can - and can't - live with!

  13. Nina says

    Just one thing to think about, Jane. Ok, suppose he had a pattern of calling every day or so. But things do happen. He is hopefully not lying somewhere in a bush paralized and unable to pick up the phone, let's hope it is not that bad, and usually it isn't, but a lot of more normal things can happen. Suddenly grandfather gets sick, too much stress about some tough deadline at work, exam failed at school...need to do extra work and lots, lots other things can happen. I can tell you from my own experience, my life is a huge disaster. Anything can happen at any time. So the guy feels stressed, unsettled and he does not wish to call his gf in this state of mind. He feels he needs to work hard to sort things out before he can relax and spend time with a girldriend, and basically he is right. He has to be sure he takes care of himself first, gf next. So he only calls back after a week, when he is under less stress. And the gf tells him somerhing like:"Too late. I don't want to talk to you anymore! No appoligies or excuses accepted." If guys keep hearing that isn't it only natural that they would become committmentphobic? Next time before getting close to a girl he will question a hundred times:"And what if somewhere somwhow I fall short of her expectations and she will get mad and never forgive me? What if one girl was expecting calls and attention every single day, and then there might be a girl who gets used to getting gold jewellery every amniversary or holidays. So I better never get her any jewellery, because what if she gets used to it and then one day I can not afford it that going to be it."

    IDK, I think in our world of supposedly gender equality it is not a big crime on the part of a woman to give the disappearing man a call if he stopped calling and she gets worried about it. It is never a good idea to pursue a guy with frequent phone calls, but I think it is almost her obligation as a potentially "good and supportive wife" to call and find out what happened if he disappeared for longer then usual. What if he is feeling down and needs some moral support? Now if he blows her off or behaves like she should not have called or says something mean then certainly this is it. But it does not happen too often. The worst thing that can happen is the guy will say that he is busy, would call her later and never call, or she will feel indifference in his voice and realise that it is probably over. But in that case it is never too late to leave him alone and at least praise herself for being kind and sensitive and doing all she could do in a right and patient way.

    And I do understand that by doing that we sort if give up our status of "big desirable and hard to get catch", and become a bit more like a friend. But isn't it what were really want? Do we want to be just the big catch that he will catch one day and dump for an even bigger catch or do we want to be his girlfriend, which he might not have a crazy desire for all the time, but to whom he will get quitely attached, because she is such a nice person?

    • Jane says

      That's why it always comes down to you, Nina; what you can live with, what someone is worth to you, and what you are willing to put up with for what you're getting out of it and what you're not. No one else but you can know your exact situation, and no one is you! Love yourself enough to choose you over any guy or any relationship, get clear on exactly what it is you're looking for, and then trust yourself enough to make the decision that's the right one for you. It's always your decision, even if it doesn't feel that way. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says; at the end of the day, the only person you truly answer to is yourself.

  14. Cuddlybuffgirl says

    Sometimes they leave because your confidence in yourself makes them uncomfortable. He is not where you need him to be because if he was, he would embrace a confident woman, not run from her. Sometimes, we come into someones life to show him where he is not ready yet, we highlight the areas. Men that have come into my life in the past have shown me that. Some men came into my life to teach me how to set boundaries, for me to see what I find unaccaptable and learn to stand up for myself.
    Bottom line is, you do not want a coward who runs away. Why? Because he runs away. If he stayed and discussed his fears in person, not over email- cause some will by email but never come see you in person again--he would be working through his stuff. If he was wiling to work through his stuff with you by his side, he would still be with you. You would have found the one. You would not be writing here for help.
    So, make room for the guy who will not run away by letting the one that does run away go. Make room cause life is too short to keep getting the crappy end of the relationship stick. You may find like myself, that you are single a lot. This is A OK because it is much better to be alone for now, then to be miserable with a someone who does not care for you, respect you, show you this through his actions. NEEEXT!!! lol
    Hey, I am not with anyone, but it is better then being with a broken wimp who won't ever have my back.
    Imagine you had kids with him and when that got difficult he just took off on you, poof into thin air!!! Mate selection is very important. Get to know a guy before you raise your trust for him to a place where you decide to be physically involved. Keeps your pink goggles off!!!!

    • Jane says

      We live, we learn, we grow. And then we live and learn some more. It is more than OK to be single and alone than with someone who isn't on your page, who isn't looking for what you are, and who being with, makes you feel worse about yourself than being alone. There is no worse feeling of being alone than being in a relationship and feeling alone!

  15. Michelle84 says

    Obviously most of these issues are quite similar and the answers are quite repetitive for you, Jane but that being said....

    I met a guy out one night and we ended up coming back to my house (I know, not great). He made sure I had his phone number and facebook contact information before he left. We started texting each other and end up hanging out three more times that week. Every time I would see him, he would ask me when the next time we could see each other would be, etc. This continued for two weeks or so....seeing each other a few times a week, and when we hung out he would tell me how much he liked me, how pretty I am, etc. He would mention things about the future, how he would take me places, different hikes and stuff. It was great.

    He was also helping me study for something, but really it was kind of an excuse to see each other. We would "study" for a few minutes, then end up talking, then kissing, etc. But it was nice.

    Then, after about three weeks things started to slow down. He wouldn't text as much, or it would take him longer. He wouldn't ask me when the next time we would see each other would be, he would just say "bye" when we parted. We went from seeing each other twice a week to once. My friends said its normal, to see each other twice or three times a week in the beginning is a lot but it was the change that upset me.

    So one day he was driving me home and I asked him flat out what we were doing. It had been about two months of hanging out, and I was getting attached and I was starting to get really confused and upset by his change in attitude. He basically said to me that he liked me, he had fun with me but he was really bad at expressing himself and that to enter into a more serious relationship he needed to be sure, because he didn't want to rush into anything. Fine.

    And after that talk he kind of stepped up his game a bit more, but not much. He texted me more, and we went hiking that Sunday, but as the next week went on it kind of went back. I was still confused but I really like him and I thought, fine, if he needs more time to be sure I'll give it to him. But then, I was confused as to how he could be sure if we weren't even spending much time together.

    After another few weeks of this, he didn't make plans for me one weekend, which was strange because we had hung out every weekend. He wrote me Saturday night to say he was going to bed because he had work the next day, which I guess was to let me know that he hadn't made plans because he had a lot of work to do? I'm not sure. The next week we saw each other on Wednesday and once again he didn't mention the weekend. Thursday I plucked up the courage and wrote him a text saying, basically, Look, I like you a lot, but it seems like your feelings have changed and I'm confused. Its better if we don't see each other again.

    I expected him to not write back, or write back something just saying he understood, but he actually wrote back saying why did I say that? He likes spending time with me, nothing has changed, he has fun with me every time he sees me and that I am a "great friend" but for more he needs to be sure. Then he wrote me on FB chat and was just acting as if I had said nothing....

    We hung out once more after that, then he had to travel for work. He came back ten days later and it was his birthday. I wrote him to say happy birthday, and we texted a few times, but I haven't mentioned hanging out. He wrote me on Wednesday to say that maybe we could have class the next day if he was free, but if he wasn't for sure one of these days.....

    He wrote me on Friday to say that he was kayaking with his friends a bit far away from where we live (he's on a kayaking team), and how was I? How was my day going?

    I've decided not to write him back, but I don't know if this is the right thing to do. I am just so confused. It would be one thing if he said he wasn't interested, or disappeared completely, or stopped texting me or responding, but he's not. In fact, usually when I don't write him back he writes me again. And also the fact that when I said I didn't want to see him again he kind of wrote back saying no, no, why would I do that, etc. Is it obvious that he doesn't like me and I'm being stupid? Or is it possible that he's just got tons of commitment hangups? I have no idea what's going on or what to do, and not responding seems the easiest thing to do because I've already told him I wanted to break it off and he acted like I said nothing.....

    Please help!

    • Jane says

      You're finding out what his comfort level is, Michelle. You're seeing firsthand the way he's happy with the relationship going and how much he feels the need to be together, to make plans, to text, to talk, etc. You're finding out where he stands. He's content to keep things casual to takes things slow, to see what happens, and he doesn't feel the same need or urgency to define the relationship or move ahead with plans for the future. He's content to live in the moment and he doesn't understand why you're not or what you're looking for from him.

      But this isn't about him.

      This is about you and what you can live with. It sounds like you need more, like you need to know what's going on and where this is going. My question for you is what if you could take a step back, focus on you, keep living your life, keep your options open, don't commit to him any more than he's committing to you, and fill up your own life with the people and activities that you enjoy being with so that he doesn't become your one and only focus with all of your eggs in one basket? Only you know what you can live with and what you can't, and if being with him in this "halfway" place where it feels like he's not where you are isn't working for you, you have to decide what he's worth to you and where you want to go from here. It's still early, you don't really know him that well, but again, you have to decide what you really want here with him and what you don't.

      If you want to break it off, break it off, but if you don't, don't. You're not going to change him or get him to do things the way you think he "should" behave, you can only decide what you want to do for you. It doesn't sound like he doesn't like you and no, you're not being stupid. It just sounds like he's content to live his life and go with the flow, and quite honestly, if more of us could do the same, we would find this whole dating adventure a lot more enjoyable and a lot more for what it's supposed to be; an adventure. But as always, you have to come to this for yourself, Michelle, and find your peace within you whatever decision you make!

  16. Veronica says

    I've only just realized that I fell in love with a narcissist. He was my disappearing man but not before he'd promised me every dream I could hope for, then crushed my self esteem to pieces and disappeared....waited until I built myself up again, came back, promised me the world then disappeared again...then when I built myself up again, he tried again. I wanted to die, I felt so alone. I simply wanted to love him. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong. He made it clear that the failure was mine, but then he'd apologize to gain my trust again and this is a repeat pattern...but this time, I disconnected. The pain and damage these people do is ... well, even I couldn't believe it and I see him now searching for new prey. They feel no emotion, they pretend and they are the best at it. He isolated me from everyone, forced me to prove that I was faithful to him while he cheated on me, built me up, just to knock me down, tried to convince me that I was nuts or overreacting and then convinced the people around him of the same thing. The only thing that has helped me through this and to gain any pride back is to learn about narcissists and to understand that I did nothing wrong. I did not fail. They choose very loving, empathic people. They don't see you as a person, but as a source of supply...for their ego in some way. If you recognize any of this, then maybe you were with one too and perhaps finding out more about it can help ease your pain. Even now it still hurts, but I am strong and I will recover. Much love to all xxx

    • Jane says

      ... and you are free!! Thank you for sharing your story, Veronica. Go easy on yourself and take your time; it took a lot to get there.

  17. Layla says

    I was seeing someone for more than half a year. We were kind of in a semi-long distance relationship, living in different towns a couple hours apart, with work/school schedules that made our get-togethers that he always referred to as "hanging out" only a few times a month. But within the time we spent together, I felt something for him and I know he did too, with the cuddling, sex, constant talking, and "I miss you"s. Before I met him, he had been dealing with depression and supposedly was happy after picking himself up by the time I came. His past still haunts him, and it came up just last month, when he all of a sudden broke down crying, something completely out of character for him, wanting to end things because he felt bad that he was leading me on, saying I deserved better because he wasn't ready to commit even though he had serious feelings for me, suffering from a "horrible incident that ruined him for the past year." However, within a week he contacted me again revealing the secret incident that made him unable to commit and be in an official relationship, which was completely understandable, also telling me that he regretted ruining what we had, that he still missed me, he didn't want to lose me even if we only resort to messaging each other from then on. So, me being an attached idiot, went along with it all, leading to three days ago to him asking to see me before I fly off on vacation, then proceeding to ignore me for two days before plans were made. It seemed like things were really good before then. Finally he had the nerve to text me last night, a complete casual conversation where he ignored the fact that he didn't answer my previous messages. Then when he brought up asking if I was available the next day, I decided to say I wasn't with an obvious bs excuse to which he responded that he was going to be too busy after that. Which I know would be true since I heard he got a second job and whatnot. So I brought up him blowing me off, suggesting that I guess it doesn't matter anymore, basically ending it before I realized what I was doing. But what surprised me most, was how easily he just simply accepted it with a text, "Alright then" and then deleted me from all social media. I know it can't be because he met someone, but I'm just not sure what's going on in his mind. He was always so nice and the best to get along with, have a good laugh with, be affectionate with, and now he's become this cold stranger who I don't think I'll ever see or hear from again, which worries me after all that's happened. Does he even care?

    • Jane says

      oh, Layla, the ways we try to understand the ones who we're never meant to understand because it's their own inner battles they're fighting that have nothing ever to do with us! You found out just how deep this all went for him, and yet how easily it was to say goodbye and be let off the hook of trying to be or do anything more than what he was ultimately capable of. Don't take this personally; you tried, he tried, he couldn't get there and the reason he's responded so coldly shows you just how confused within himself he really is.

      We have to learn when to recognize when we're getting in over our heads with our beautiful giving, loving, caring hearts, Layla. And resist the urge to try to help someone who can't be helped by anyone but himself, and not by the "love of a good woman" story that so many of us have bought into. You may not hear from him again, and as hard as that is to accept, the reality is that it's much faster to get over someone who doesn't give you little bits of hope and wonder that there might still be something to selvage when they're not in a position to offer anything else. You can't fix it - and while he still probably cares on some level - on another level, it's a relief to not have to try to work at something when you're not willing to work at.

      If he gets there, you'll be the first to know. But don't wait around for it to happen. This is your time, your life, and there's a whole world out there - including someone who won't make this so complicated! - that's just waiting for you to be open to see him, too!

      • Layla says

        Thank you, Jane! When I read your reply, I felt a sort of release because I felt like those were things I needed to hear. I have another question though. Based on the way it ended, without any apologies, and the fact that I was too shy to really give him an idea of how I felt about him or how I felt about the whole thing, do you think that would be the last I hear from him, ever? I don't plan on waiting for him by any means, but it's made me wonder what the guys on the other side of the situation feel, and if they ever try to seek closure. I mean there are a lot of maybe's as to why it ended, whether he just lost interest, etc., but do most of them just leave it at that in such a rude way? Even if they're generally good people?

        • Jane says

          If it's easier for them, if this is what they're comfortable with - if this is ultimately the way they wanted it - then yes, this is often how it ends even if they're generally good people. We all do what works for us, regardless of how someone else takes it or judges it to be. Or they reappear down the road with all kinds of reasons and apologies simply to do it all over again.

          The point is, Layla, it's never predictable because there's always so much more going on underneath the surface that you can't possibly know or understand. That's why asking someone "why" never really helps you get the closure you're looking for. What does work, is focusing on you, creating a life for yourself so full of your dreams, your passions and the people who adore you and want to be in your life that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter. He's going to do what he's going to do for his own reasons that have nothing to do with you; we just need to remember this and do the same!

  18. Janice says

    Hi Jane. Please help. I have been chatting to someone since Dec 2013 online and we got on well online. He wanted to speak on the phone, which we did. I was impressed by how we got on. He then wanted to meet, which I put off for a bit, but eventually we did, 2 months later, though stayed in touch via email frequently before and after this date. We got on well on 1st date. I felt it and he clearly did as he said he'd like to see me again, but said I should let him know ''if I want to meet again''. As if the ball is in my court? He's said he wants to not rush into physical activity, i.e. sex as it 'complicates' things. How many men would forego sex!? He's also alluded to having been hurt by an ex and having no confidence to approach people, so maybe he prefers the girl to do the chasing? I'm so confused on all the advice on girls chasing/not chasing. (And yes, I read your post which said it ultimately doesn't matter.) So, we went on date 2. All fine. Said he hopes to see me again. I asked him out for date 3, later on in email, which we went on. He then started out of the blue putting kisses in correspondence, where before he didn't. He's always been slightly clinical in emails etc: ''all the best/good day'' etc. I feel he's scared cos of his past relationships, but get the hunch he likes me. He asked just before date 3 about a date 4, which he arranged. On date 3 he asked when I'm next around. I said I'd let him know. He said about coming to my home one time, or me to his. Then date 4: he said he felt ill and had bad headache. Otherwise it went ok, but he was quiet, apparently cos of feeling ''like someone's crushed my skull''. At end of date 4 he said nothing about meeting again (where he did on date 3) but 'nice to see you'. I emailed him next night to see if his headache was gone etc. He replied 2 days later saying he was quite ill. Usually he replies the next day, or 2 at most, to emails. I sent one back asking if he was free a set day last week, he said no, he had something pre-booked that day but ''I hope to see you again soon though''. I am confused on this, as this was 5 days ago. I replied to this email - he asked general questions on how my week was, was I feeling better now myself (I was also ill recently) etc. In my reply, I also said 'let me know how footie goes on Friday'' as he had an important match. But he's not replied to my email of nearly 6 days ago. Usually he does 2 days maximum. I tend to be neurotic and over-analytical at the best of times, but this is contradictory. He asked questions in his last email to me, which I answered. Why would he ask these if he didn't want an answer (I.E. further communication)? He made smiley faces, i.e. :), which implies positivity, right? He said, though he couldn't meet on the proposed day he ''hope (s) to see you again soon though''. WHY would he say this if he didn't mean it?! And yet there's been no reply to my reply to this last email of his, from 5/6 days ago when he usually replies in 2 days max. I'm so confused. He's not let me know how his big match went, as I requested. I get the hunch he likes me but is scared, perhaps cos of his alluded-to past. It's not as easy as 'if it's meant to be it will''. I feel we'd be great together but he needs a little 'push'. But then I don't want to scare him off being 'pushy'. He really seemed to like me, as I'm sure you'll agree, looking at my account. He's always so chivalrous, holding doors open, paying for drinks etc for me. before our last (4th date), he told me in email he was 'looking forward to seeing me'. it felt like he was coming out of his shell. Now it seems to have slowed. what should I do? I feel he likes me but is scared. A hunch I get. I'd love to know what he thinks/feels. Even if he's changed his mind, I hate to be left wondering. I know you say to just move on though, but I cant its so hard. My friend thinks I'm worrying too much and if he's said 'hope to meet again soon', then he wouldn't have said that and not meant it. But then 6 days later..... Please help, and sorry for long essay! :)

  19. sara says

    Hi Jane,
    I met a wonderful man four months ago. One month into our relationship he said he loved me, I couldn't say it in return but about a month later I did. I spoke about how important the word love is for me and that I don't take it lightly and never said it and felt like I meant it until I met him. In the beginning he used to text all day but the after about 2 months it began to slow down. Sometimes I would text or call and not hear back for hours. He used to say that he loved hearing from me and that he was excited about our future and would always talk about plans and even mentioned marriage. When I called him out on his decrease in communication he wouldn't address it, he said it didn't bother him and he was more focused on our future. He began to say I was insecure and needy but I only called him once a day at that and didn't bombarded him with text during the day. He changed his work schedule to spend more time with me but was always asleep after work and most nights he wouldn't even text me goodnight like he used to. This made me more insecure in our relationship and I would bring this up. He accused me of trying to make him feel guilty. I told him I wanted it to be like it was before and he said that he set the bar high and now every time he fell below it he had to hear about it. I finally told him I was going to focus on my life and would stop stressing the communication issue. He was like where does this leave us and I said we were still together but I thought it would help if I didn't but so much focus on whether we talked often. There were times when he delayed plans over stupid stuff like a nose bleed and having to take his cat to vet because his ear was bugging him. We had it out that day because I felt like he was stalling but he came over that day and we had a great time. He professed his love that day and spoke about future plans. I spoke with him the next day and everything seemed normal. He sent me a txt saying that he was talking to his mom and brother and then I didn't hear from him the next day. I called once and texted a couple of times but didn't stress it. The next day he leaves a message saying his phone broke and it still want working right. That's the last I heard from him. I went to his house and he was there but didn't answer the door. I called and texted him saying I didn't understand what happened and that I needed closure and so on but response. I'm not sure if I turned him off with my insecurities but I felt that he was pulling away and that's where I began to have problems. I don't know if he pulled away because of me or if there was someone else. I don't know he kept speaking of our future that day if he felt he was ggoto leave me high and dry. Any insight?

    • Angel says

      He's not in it. He doesn't want the same things you want. Aak yourself why you are being "needy" or insecure and address the causes. The causes are not about him, they are about you. He's telling you with his actions that he is not the kind of partner you need or are looking for. You didn't scare him away and if he ever says that, believe me it is an excuse.
      There's nothing wrong with you. He just isn't right for you. Go back to the drawing board and find out what is making you a match to this kind of man. We are energy and our subconscious minds contain lots of core beliefs and information we are not aware of. This hidden information is what runs our attraction to someone. Find out why you are attracted to this man. Start there.
      Lots of love to you.

  20. stephanie says

    I met a wonderful man a year ago and we were actually seeing each other for 7 months. Met the family, his kids, his friends,. Had everything in common and got along great. Fantastic chemistry and he was always full of compliments . The last thing he said to me was "I'll text you when I get home beautiful." Never heard from him again. I tried calling and it went straight to voicemail, sent 2 texts and got nothing in return. I finally cried a lot And decided not to keep on. I did notice he hasn't unfriended me or blocked me on Facebook so I don't understand that but I can't cry over him anymore. It sucks and it's so unfair when you actually think you mean something to them.

  21. Ann says

    I was dating a man in his (40s). We hit it off. We got to know each other and also went away together on a romantic trip- all in less than a year. We talked about being together getting, marriage and having a family. He talked about his desire of having a baby with me. I was on board with the idea. I was falling for him and just new that this was the one. He initiation all those topics in the conversations, no pressure from me. A couple of weeks after those conversation he started to become distant and eventually disappeared. I attempted to contact him a couple of times but no luck but then left it alone and figured he needed space. But eventually he never contacted me again. No emails, No Calls, No Texts. 

    I attempted to reach out after 3 - 4 months via email. But his response was pretty dry. 2 liners, Blamed it on work but never apologized. A few months later (now 6-7 months ), he emailed me apologizing. Saying that he made a mistake, that I was the best thing that ever happened in his life etc. Blaming it on his job etc. It sounded like a bunch of crap to me the excuses and I told him so. He begged on 'email' and said he needed me etc. I emailed back and called him out. Said; if you are serious then call me (in a nutshell) but he never did. He disappeared again. No response, no call, no text. 

    This has me a bit confused. I thought about just calling him but I dont know what to say. What your thoughts?

    • Angel says

      Is this working for you? A man who doesn't step up, doesn't respect you and doesn't have the capability of keeping his word and following through? If the answer is yes, then that's a call to look within yourself to see why you're selling yourself so short. It is hard, but please know that what you're holding onto is a fantasy and not reality. Potential doesn't exist. Calling him is putting yourself on the begging end and allowing your sense of self worth to go down the drain. You came to life for much better things. He's not the right one. Not by a long shot and no matter how much he begs and pleads, he'll disappoint you every chance he gets.

      • Elisia says

        Hah, you're so right Angel! What I don't get is, why just why does a man, doesn't matter what age, say positive and promising things to a woman and of course disappear/not step up etc in the end.?? This is so unfair and hurtful :(
        I just met a guy too, went for 2 dates, I too see lot's of "potential" but in the back of my mind, I have Jane's articles reminding me to really see, him how he acts and what he says are the same. I'm a bit scared but I'll take it one day at a time

        • Angel says

          I know. It is completely baffling and hurtful. Some people just don't know how to maintain integrity. Some people are incapable of considering the feelings of others nor of realizing how their actions affect others. When it comes to this, it takes time to get to know someone and like Jane always tells us: words have got to match the actions.
          I have outlined a plan for myself: breath, remember what my pattern is and go the opposite this time. Give a chance to men who are not my type and just get to know them. Stay connected to my own self and needs at all times and stand in a place of curiosity, not expectation. And if the chemistry thing appears, just run the opposite direction.

          • Elisia says

            I think a certain amount of chemistry is needed, otherwise you'll have nothing to talk about. I'm gonna give a rough example: Goth girl who likes those heavy music/dark or whatever interests & a guy who likes hockey and is kind of sporty. Those 2 will never have a relationship because they're too different, while "opposites attract" BUT "similars" stick together. As you've quoted " words have got to match the actions." very true, and as long as he does that, maybe you don't have to run away if there is some chemistry.

            • Angel says

              Agreed, but I think you misunderstood me. Chemistry does not equal compatibility. What you described is compatibility issues, not chemistry exactly. The way I see it, compatibility is key and must be much higher than chemistry. A bit of chemistry is good, but I won't base my relationship on it. Attraction and compatibility is the way to go for me.

    • Jane says

      There seems to be a pattern here, Ann - high intensity and then the disappearing act. He sounds confused himself and it sounds like that's what you're picking up on. If you don't know what to say, then ask yourself why you want to call him now and what you want to get by calling him. It sounds more like a push and pull pattern from here, so if you end the confusion within yourself by deciding what it is you want from him first, you'll have a clearer picture of whether or not he can give you that. Then the question of calling him or not will be that much clearer to you.

      • Ann says

        Yes I agree with the high intensity then disappear act. Its confusing to me. I struggle with the call or not call for that reason. I really didnt have any agenda behind call. I just want to beak the ackward silence. I was just going to say hello and see what happens from there. Deep in my heart I feel that there was something special between us. Everyone I know says leave him alone, run the opposite direction, he is playing games, if he was serious he would of called, he is not that into you etc. This all sounds logical but I am not sure anybody cant move pass this.

        • Jane says

          Do what you need to do for you, Ann, without listening to anyone else's voice except your own. Don't struggle; there is no wrong answer; there's only the one that brings you peace and leaves you without regrets. That's how you move past this; by lovingly doing what you need to do for you so that you can see what you need to see for yourself. One baby step at a time!

  22. Breeze says

    It's been helpful reading all these stories and your reply. I am 65 years old and have been married twice, to the wrong man. The first one loved me dearly but I was too young, 19 and ten years younger than him, two appreciate it. The second one turned out to be an addict and has made my life and my two children's life miserable. I divorced him 15 years ago but have stayed with him after the divorce. We do not have a sexual relationship and a very poor relationship period. Lot's of circumstances have kept me living in the same house with him. So, I have never really experienced true love.

    After two years of no intimacy, I met a man at work. I was immediately attracted to him. He is 14 years younger than me and my ex is 12 years younger. I have always looked 10 years younger and seem to be attracted to younger men. At first I was attracted to this guy at work and then I thought he was a player, immature, too religious and possibly gay (I saw him looking at a guy one day in a way that was a bit too gay). I turned off on him. He would always suggest going out for a drink but never really follow through. On a few occasions, I declined the invitation. Then finally, we got together and we had a great time. We danced a lot and he tried kissing me a few times but I didn't kiss back. He wanted to meet me again. We met 3 more times and I finally kissed him back and started to like him. We made out in the car by the beach and I felt like a teenager again. He awoke in me sexual feelings that I thought I didn't have anymore and, needless to say, I wanted more of it. His pattern of communication was casual from the start though and I confronted him about not responding to my texts. He understood it was a pet peeve of mine, no matter who it was and he vowed to respect that. There were times when he would cancel a date and three times when he was actually sick. We finally went away for a night even though he had food poisoning the night before but was afraid to cancel again. In hindsight, we should have cancelled because our first sexual experience was not at all how I had hoped it would be. He was sick, it rained, the ocean was cold, the food was bad and the sex was more mechanical. There was no foreplay, no romance and no bonding. He was cold afterwards and it was very awkward. He didn't call me for a week and when we spoke, we almost met again but it would have been a booty call and I declined. He didn't call for 15 days and didn't respond to my text which made me mad and I decided to stop seeing him for that reason. I didn't take his call and the next time we spoke, he said I didn't call him back and I told him why. He didn't have much to say except that he just didn't text much. I asked him if he wanted to go back to the days when we hadn't drank the wine and he quickly agreed which devastated me. I asked him why and he said he wouldn't say at this time. Needless to say, I started thinking it could have been my body, my sex, my age, my personality, etc. He has not called or texted except to respond to a Thanksgiving and Christmas wish I texted and a couple non related emails I sent him. It's been 4 months since our encounter.

    After reading these posts, I realize he is never going to contact me and he just wasn't that into me. I was in need of the attention and the feelings I experienced and I made more of it than was really there and hoped it would turn into the romance I've always wanted. He has been divorced and single for more than 15 years and that also tells a story about a man. He said he hasn't met the person who is going in the same direction as he and that he "travels" a lot. He also has Jesus as his screen cover, on his visor, a cross hangs in his car, the fish symbol on this car, etc. Yet, his actions don't seem to be too holy.

    I have cried a lot and have so wanted to contact him since then, but have remained strong and will not do so. Like you say, he has my number and knows how to reach me. Also, it isn't meant,to be and is the wrong man for me all over again. When I feel attracted, it is never right. I just hope I can experience real love and joy before I die. I really don't have too many years left.

    So, in addition to thinking something about me turned him off, I also think he may be afraid of commitment, resents women, is a liar and a fake, is gay, selfish, immature. It could be something that is wrong with him.

    So, thank you all for your posts. It helps keep my strong.

    • Jane says

      I'm so glad you're finding what you're looking for here, Breeze. That beautiful strength you're finding is all yours; it's when you're surrounded by what resonates most with your beautiful heart and soul that you feel that strength. It is most definitely nothing personal, but something that has everything to do with him.

  23. jenee kennedy says

    Hi,I been seeing this guy for almost an year. When we first met things went well,he tells how he feels about, how he like being with me and even talks about having an relationship. At one point he did mention to me how his son's mother was talking about "family structure" and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings are her feeling. I asked him what he was trying to say..and he just said he's confused but couldn't help how he feels about me. Anyways I told him to listen to his heart and decided from that. This guy made every effort to call me,even though we didn't see each other much. When we do hook up he takes me out of town spent all kinds of money on me,he made me feel special to him,and we bonded so well together. One night he took me out to dinner and we had the " talk" he started opening up to me telling me how he wants to be with someone that can make and son happy and question me about my relationship status, I was honest with him and told him that I never experience a committed relationship but let him know I was willing to try it. Anyways after that night things was good and the unthinkable thing happened he disappear, he drop off the radar, I call him, text him,nothing no response. I was so confused,I was not expecting that at all. So after 3 mouths of trying to reached out to him I gave up. Then out of no where he texted me this long text,apologizing telling me I deserve better then him and wanting me to give another chance and I did. He really never explain to me the reason for his disappearance. I did asked hIm what made him come back, he said he misses me. I didn't know what to say on that.

    Anyways I forgave him. We basically pick up were we left, I decided to just go with the flow, I did asked him about her son's mother he told me it's complicated And it not going in a positive direction. To make a long story short, I last seen him a month ago,we had a great time,I did ask him why he not picking up by calls, he said this month hasn't been good for him. That was the last time I seen and talked to him. I really like this guy and was so sure he was my lucky charms. I want to text him how I feel, so i can move on, even though I know I will probably not get response back from him, which doesn't matter to me. My home girl told me not too, it will make me look desperate and that he has a hold on me. She also said if you guys was meant to be he'll come back. I need a little help on what to do?

    • Jane says

      Do what you can live with, Jenee. It doesn't matter what he thinks; it only matters what you think. Do what is the most loving and self-respecting thing you can do for you because you're not going to change him or make this easier by anything he does or doesn't give you. This is only about you doing what you need to do for you!

  24. Maria says

    Hi Jane i met this guy two months ago actually we met on fb he invited me on a coffe at first i was sceptical and also disappointed of my previous relationship but i decided to give him a chance , so at the beginning it was perfect we had a few almost perfect dates, and he seemed really interested he couldn't stop talking and we talked about lots of stuff I really enjoyed being around him and i thought the same about him after one week of seeing each other he said he wanted relationship i said no becouse i thought it was too soon and i was scared of being hurt again he said that its okey he didn't expect from me to fall in love immediately but he wanted to continue to see me and i accepted . So we continue to see eachother two or three times a week later he said that he officially thinks of me as his girlfriend and he told to his family about me .
    Everything was going great untill our first fight it was nothing serious so after two days becouse it was nothing serious i wrote to him he replied like ' oh you thought of me ' and i said yes becouse you didnt are you and etc he replied great thanks everything's great i 've got to go now we'll talk ..after that i waited but nothing so i decided to call him but he didn;t pick up so i wrote to him on fb what's the problem what he's mad for if he didn't want to see me he could've told me not ignore me ..but he just saw that and didn't reply and i wrote again could i get an answer and again nothing so i deleted him from fb after that i hoped he would be pissed or something and he would reply or call but nothing...its been a month now and i feel stupid and honestly i miss him ..I always get attached to ppl in a short period of time and its hard to move on becouse for the first time in my life someone treated me good with understanding ..i dont know if he mean it or he was acting the whole time maybe he was with me to pass time and then he got borred.. And I can't stop thinking what could possibly be the reason for his behavior...?

  25. Bia says

    Its not easy to know what I do wrong. I am a single mom and tried not get involved physically too soon, but it seems like men are used to that with other women so then I get called names on my dates that I am not normal that I don't want to make out. Then the guy never texts or calls back again. I had men leave during the date and tell me to call them when I am ready to give it all I got. Its not easy having the father of my child leave me, and then dating guys who make me feel even more unwanted. What do I do?

  26. Shannon says

    Great article. I am actually looking for advice myself. My boyfriend of over 14 months and I are both in the military. He's been in Korea for 4 months in a very demanding job that keeps him swamped and exhausted. It wasn't uncommon for us to go 3-7 days without talking, but he always got a hold of me. The relationship has been wonderful despite the distance. We can turn to each other for everything and he's always encouraged me to be up front with him. Even while I was deployed he was so supportive of me. I'm also getting out in a few months and we had discussed my visiting him.

    However, I haven't heard from call, no kakao, nada....for THREE WEEKS. This is unlike him. And looking back on it, I can't Imagine that I had done or said anything to upset him. He had told me once that if he were ever angry or wanted to end things that he'd tell me, and not leave me hanging. I may have gotten a bit frantic and called him and sent him the same "I'm worried" message on skype, kakao, and Facebook (he's almost never on Facebook.). I have no idea what to do. I love this man and, until recently, was sure he loved me. Help! What can I do to save us!

    • Jane says

      If this is unlike him, but you don't have anything more to go on, Shannon, then all you can do is reach out and let him know you care. It sounds like you're genuinely concerned about him, but without his input, or without anything more, he's left you in a position where you have to do what you feel in your heart you have to do for you, unless he responds with something more. Trust your gut instincts here; what are they trying to tell you? We always know more than we think we do.

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