We've all been there – you've gone on a couple of dates, had a great time, then suddenly, as quickly as it started…silence. Nothing but crickets.
So why did it happen? Why did he just vanish from your life? Well, the truth is, it's because he wasn’t the guy for you. You may have felt it, but it wasn’t there for him.
Maybe he got scared, maybe he found someone else, or maybe he got back with an ex. The truth is it just doesn’t matter. For whatever reason, he decided he’s not the one for you. And that’s good news. Because if he stuck around and you built a foundation around him, and then it crumbled, it would be much, much worse.
I know you want to know the reason why, but what good would it do? Do you really want to hear the truth? That he didn’t find you attractive enough, smart enough, or secure enough? Just think through all of the possibilities, including that he found someone else or got back with an ex, and just go with the one that hurts the least.
And know that it's really a gift.
It’s actually a gift that he didn’t tell you why – because now you’re in control. You can decide why it ended. It’s him, not you (it really is). And then you can truly move on, and on your own terms. And moving on is the best thing you can do.
If it’s been 4 or 5 days and he hasn’t called, and before that he was calling you every other day or even every day, then the reality is that you don’t want him to call. Because it’s been too long. If he calls now and you’re OK with it, then you’re going backwards. You’re becoming a doormat.
Don’t be a doormat.
If he calls now and you ream him out for it, and tell him you’ll never accept that kind of behavior again, he might change and start calling you more often. But do you really want a guy who calls you because he doesn’t want to get yelled at? No. You want a guy who calls you because he loves you, and he really likes talking to you. And that guy is out there. Tell Mr. didn’t call for 4 or 5 days that it’s been too long and you’ve moved on. Then move on with your respect and self-esteem intact.
And then go out and find a guy that actually likes to talk to you.
About Jane
Amen!!!! Awesome advice! Don't sit around & wonder why(like I used to do). Just move on & say "Next!!!"
Exactly, Stacey - and yet, one of the hardest things to do when you're in the thick of it even if you know in your heart it's the best thing to do.
I'm so confused..I met two guys last year both dissapeared. One suddenly after a year together he told me by text that 'its not goin to work'. Before that I would see him every weekend. He spent time with me & my two children. We did several days out together. It's been four months now. He hasn't called since, I called quite frequently as I found it so hard to let go. He always returned my calls but never came back to see us. I've been on no contact and I've got five dayys to go, and it will be a month. I often call and hang up but know I can't go
back.
The other guy I was seeing for 6 months...but it was very infrequent..he dissapearared after I made it quite clear I.. couldn't handle the sporadic dating I.e calling infrequently..dissapearing for days. A year later I see him just generally out and about. We get talking and he asks me 'why I havnt called him'....gobsmacked he was the one who dissapeared. He then gives me his number but its returned back to how it was originally..
Completely confused...why can't dating and men be simple...where do I go wrong..
Of course you're so confused, Nina; I understood all too well how confusing it is to be with these types of men when you're in the thick of it. And of course it's so hard to let go when they send such conflicting messages and feel so good to be with. There are so many thoughts that come to mind, most of which can be found in a post I wrote on this exact phenomenon about why you keep attracting the wrong guys, and this one regarding why love should never be complicated.
I hope these help to shed some light on these relationships. And know that you are not alone in this; it's in the going through these situations that we finally understand the work we need to do on ourselves to get to that other side. Recognizing something isn't working is always the first step in making the changes that start attracting someone different into our lives. You're on your way!
The thing I struggle with on this issue is: Why can't he just explain himself like a normal human being? Why can't he just call and explain that he wasn't feeling it or he doesn't think there is any chemistry, or he's decided to pursue something or someone else. I prefer brutal honesty to just being abandoned. Especially if it's been a few months and I'm beginning to get emotionally attached.
I hear you, Lacey - I always struggled with that myself. And that's what is so hard about this kind of guy - he seems so interested, so attracted, that you do get emotionally attached because his behavior makes you feel that you have every reason to! Until that change happens. And then it just doesn't make sense.
And it doesn't make any sense to him either, but it's the way that works for him and so it doesn't matter how much you want him to just be honest with you, he can't or won't and he doesn't even know why. And that's our cue to stop trying to figure him out and focus on ourselves instead and on someone who will be honest with us, who is emotionally and physically available to have a real relationship with us in the first place.
I have situation like this. I see him and then we dont see each other until like two or seven days later. One time we didnt speak for 3 months and then boom, he calls and Im in total shock like I thought you forgot about me. but I realized after that he explained how he lost his phone and just got a new one. He always ask me to call him because he likes when I call him and he doesnt want to say his gonna call and then dont call. He doesnt want to disappoint me I guess. His great and all. Personality and all. But after reading your articles, I realize that I need to look after myself. Although I do cal him when I think about him or text him. He does reply but within like 10 hours after the call with a sorry i missed your text/call I was busy. So I think this might work but Im not allowing my hopes to get high because Ive realized that my world doesnt revolve around the person Im with or pursuing or being pursued by. Ive gained confidence and your articles have inspired me to continue what Im doing.
I have a life and I know he does too. So our lives at this moment do not revolve around each other and so I dont mind seeing him when I see him or talk to him i talk to him. He doesnt mind that I call him when I think of him. But thank you for your articles. I love them and keep up the great work. Im a college student soon to start working on my Master's degree and he hasnt started college yet. So i see that im ahead and I know not to use time on someone that doesnt wish to do the same for me. But at the same time I know he sees me as focused and stable woman. So I am confident. Even if it doesnt work I still learned and am learning allot. #happyholidays
Thank you for your kind words, Selene; I'm so glad to hear you're finding something here to help you find your way on this journey. Know that if someone really is interested in you, they will pursue you and they will initiate contact with you; you won't have to be the one calling all the time. But in the meantime, you have figured out such an important key to relationships - the relationship you have with yourself. If you nurture that one before any others, and always remember who you are and all that you have to offer, you will find yourself in a much stronger position to choose who you allow into your life. Happy Holidays to you, too, my beautiful friend!
I was seeing this guy for almost 3 months. He ask me if we became serious. He texted and call me all the time. He'll tell me how much he really likes me and i could be his girlfriend. Everything went smooth. He greeted me for Christmas and suddenly he stop talking to me. New Years eve he try to talk to me and i greeted him Happy New Year and after that i haven't talk to him since then. Should i try to talk to him or wait.. and I don't mind moving on.
This is always so hard to understand;how someone can change, almost overnight, without any reason that we can see or understand. It really comes down to what you are looking for from him, Lulu. Ultimately, you will know if he is still interested in you because if he is, you will hear from him again. But the question is more about you. Are you ok with this? You've known him almost 3 months, which isn't a very long time, but it should still be long enough for both of you to know if you are interested in pursuing a relationship with each other. If your relationship has been based on direct communication, then it should be natural for you to talk to him and see where he's at. But if it's been more of an emotionally distant relationship without being equally balanced between the both of you, than this might be his way of getting some space and he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you directly. Either way, talking to him about it usually doesn't change anything. If he's not comfortable talking or is looking to distance himself, you probably won't get an honest answer out of him anyway, and if you just wait and see, you'll find out his level of interest that way, too. You deserve someone who you don't have to question what's going on with them and the relationship, Lulu, so if you're having doubts, you may want to explore that further and see if your answer becomes clearer in looking at what you are and aren't getting out of this relationship.
i've know him for years ,we were friends and then all of sudden he said that he loves me ,he was AMAZING caring and he treated me like a princess and then after a couple of months he started to disappear for 4 or 5 days not calling ,i told him that i dnt like this and it makes me feel alone and that i dnt want him to disappear like this again,he said ok and it was ok for a while then he started disappearing again,now i dont like the way he is treating me ,he calls every 4 or 3 days and we go out every week or 10 days ,and he's always silent and never talks to me even when we go out he just keep staring at his phone ,im not sure what i should do or if he even still loves me
its so confusing i dont know why he changed so much in such a short period
We often never know the reason why someone changes the way they are with us, Shaima; but what you can know for sure is that you can always choose whether you want to stay and continue to be treated this way, or whether to move on when your repeated talks with him to try to change things aren't changing anything. This is where we become the empowered beautiful, radiant, confident women we truly are because it is we who teach every single man how we deserve to be treated - by our actions.
If he knows you won't put up with these behaviors from him, Shaima, and he wants to be with you, he will be very motivated to make some changes. If he doesn't, then you will know where he stands and be able to make your own decision much easier. Either way, it is your actions that say so much more than your words, and if you understand this, you will see that you really have much more say in your relationships than you think. You never, ever have to settle for less than someone who actively pursues you and makes sure you know how he feels about you. You are always worth so much more than this!
Superb article it was like I was reading wat happend with meh.....
There is one guy he is ma BIL's close frnd....and we got to knw each other formally at ma sis weddin...and more than a month ago went to ma sis place for a festivle and i met him there again bt we didnt talkd much....then afta few days i got his frnd req on social networkin....he wantd some pics that i clickd at the function i sent....and he lookd interested in meh and i too wanted to knw him more.....then he started chattin with me at first i was nt too open....but later he seemed a gud guy then i use to talk frndly with him....i started fallin for him and thru his talks it seemed he also think the same abt me....then we chated more n more daily....he use to say u r the 1st gal to whom i share evethng, he use to be too carin, supportive...and really he use to share evethng lyk where he is goin, wat he is doin wats his weekend plans bla bla n bla.....and day by day we chated more he askd for ma no. Twice bt 1st i denied 2nd tym i gave the we use chat on messenger daily alot.....then afta that he use to cal meh each consequtive day.....then one day i askd him wat he feels abt me...wateva it is say it, he was lil shy to accept his feelings for me so he told u i lyk u as a frnd, later wil thinj how it ll work....bt i was clear abt ma feelings i said i lyk u....afta his that rply i was lil upset for almost 2 days bt he said sorry for wat he said then later we chatted bt i was stil upset so answered him less, but he was still cheering me up and he said i need tym i said thats okay bt wat u feel jus say it i wnt feel bad....bt he wasnt ready i was lyk okay and i was in a good mood by the evening...and he was all happy that m happy....then later lyk the every other day he went to gym and he use to inform me bt that he didnt and askd him where he is he said on the way to gym i said ok....then afta that i msgd him thrice he didnt rplied....and he told me b4 that his 2 frnz knws he chat with me, then afta returnin frm gym he didnt chatted with me nor replied me i askd then too no response, so i decided to talk in the morning, so the next morng i askd wat hap, he said nthng u nly told to talk less n rest its upto u....i said its rude....he said u too talkd rude bt i said i said u sory for that many times....then he said ya thats okay.....he its nt gonna work futher bst of luck for ur future n all that sudddnly i was abt to cry....he i dnt deserve ur frndshp n m bad i said its nthng lyk that the situation is bad....then he said m always busy n that may hurt u if didnt replied ur msgs i cant give u tym so bettr nt to talk i said i hav neva eva complaint abt that weneva u free tlk to meh....he said m busy i said okay.....later in the eve i msgd hin that i gone thru the convo i have been rude so again extremly sory.....i tried ma bst to save the frnship bt he didnt replied me ever though he came ol.....then afta 2 days his status was if u dnt wannna hurt sm1 avoid them it was for me n m in puzzeled state that wat is d reason, his frnd askd whom u avoidin then he answered spl thanks to u....m sure that smthng his frnz said i donno knw the reason for his sudden behaviour wat is the thing that can hurt me and he is nt sayin shud i move on or wait??? Coz i think if i ll ask him he is nt gonna tell me the reason.......do u hav any solution???
It's always so hard to have someone come on strong in the beginning and then suddenly start pulling away from you, Preet, especially when there doesn't seem to be a clear reason. It sounds like you've done everything you can to keep this relationship going, but he's just not on the same page as you. If he isn't actively pursuing you, but simply responding instead, that's always a red flag that he's just not there where you are. When he's pulling away, and you start pushing for more, and he isn't giving you anything or telling you what's going on or why, and keeping his reasons to himself, then do what most honors yourself and your self-respect and give him the space he's clearly looking for right now.
In the end, it doesn't matter what his reason is; if he was interested in pursuing something more and keeping this relationship going, he would be. As much as that can hurt, know that it hurts more the longer you hang on to something that isn't working, to someone that isn't on the same page as you. And know, Preet, that it always takes two people who both want the same thing and are on the same page to make a relationship work. This isn't any reflection on you, it's about him. You don't want someone who plays games with you and your heart. And you deserve nothing less than someone who keeps actively pursuing you and initiating contact with you, not just in the beginning, but throughout a relationship.
Hi,
I am absolutely devastated after what just had happened these 3 days. I've been exclusively dating this man for exactly 1 year. We both talked about our relationship as we see each other as a couple despite of our "title". It was I who intiated for us to take things slow and let our relationship/bond take its course since I was very scared to let my guards down due to a past traumatizing relationship. Everything was great as we spend 3-5 times out of the week. Our communication on the phone was everyday in the morning and everyday in the evening no matter what. Up until the last week of March, my friend (whose a girl) came into town from TX and we hung out that whole weekend. I had invited him along wherever we were going, but he had to work that Easter weekend. He invited me over on Easter for a dinner with his family, but I sensed some awkwardness going on between him and I over the phone and thru txt msgs. So I declined the offer and told him I will stay at home. The next day which was Monday morning, he didn't do his usually good morning phone call but I figured he might of slept in late or had a late work shift. We work next down the street from each other, so I happened to run across him and we chatted like usual. He seemed apprehensive as to why I didn't go to him for Easter, but we laughed everything off like usual. Well he calls me late that evening and we chatted 5 minutes but apparently he received a phone call from his brother who is in the army. He told me he will call back, but it was late and I assume he was asleep.
Next day I called him, no answer, text him, no answer and oddly enough he was off work, so I would assume he had time to atleast respond. Nope... nothing.. 3 days gone by and I've been crying and heartbroken ever since and i text him long messages and he responded back 6 hours later that " he got alot on his mind and that he needs a trip to go away and that he hope I understand"????? Where did that come from! So i asked him if he is seeing someone else to let me know and I'll leave him alone and he says "no".
Am not making excuses for his actions, but I am so heartbroken, I cant eat, sleep, I have a pounding headache and don't know what to do other than to leave him alone. I'm on the verge of puking as I am sick behind this.
oh Brit, my heart goes out to you! Of course you're heartbroken - you've gotten no specific clarification from him and yet something's clearly changed. When you've invested so much of yourself in this man over the last year, how could you not be devestated? And yet, Brit, please know this isn't really about you. You haven't done anything wrong, there's nothing wrong with you; this is solely about him. For some reason, something's triggered him, something's going on with him that has nothing to do with you.
For whatever reason, he's just not able to share this with you so at least you'd have some more to go on and be able to process this better. He's just not able to. Try not to jump ahead or read more into this. While you don't know what's really going on with him, the reality is he isn't giving you many options here. He wants you to simply understand while he goes away to sort out whatever is affecting him. And while that's a lot to ask of you when you've built a relationship with him over the course of a whole year, you still have at least a couple of options.
You can track him down, continue to call and text him or go to his house or work or wherever else you might find him and put yourself through all of the various scenarios that might be happening based on your imagination running wild -I've been there so I do understand that panic you're feeling right now all too well. Or you can choose to do the best thing you can do for you; you can accept that this is as much as he's able to tell you about what's going on, that this is where he's at, and you can choose to give him the space that he's asking for to sort this out. You can choose to calm yourself knowing that if you and he truly have something strong between you, it will withstand this and you will come through this still together. You can rest in the truth that if the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen because a real relationship is always about two people on the same page committed to making the relationship work regardless of whatever obstacles they face.
And if you this isn't the case, if the two of you can't weather whatever storm is breaking here with him and your relationship, then please know, my beautiful brokenhearted friend, that you are still the same wonderful, attractive, desirable woman you were before this all happened. We can't make someone love us, we can't control what they do or don't do or how much they choose to let us in, but we can always choose ourselves and our lives and all that we are and all that we have to offer someone who is truly deserving of that beautiful woman known as you! You deserve nothing less than that - regardless of what choices any man makes!