The Case of the Disappearing Man

The case of the disappearing manWe've all been there – you've gone on a couple of dates, had a great time, then suddenly, as quickly as it started…silence. Nothing but crickets.

So why did it happen? Why did he just vanish from your life? Well, the truth is, it's because he wasn’t the guy for you. You may have felt it, but it wasn’t there for him.

Maybe he got scared, maybe he found someone else, or maybe he got back with an ex. The truth is it just doesn’t matter. For whatever reason, he decided he’s not the one for you. And that’s good news. Because if he stuck around and you built a foundation around him, and then it crumbled, it would be much, much worse.

I know you want to know the reason why, but what good would it do? Do you really want to hear the truth? That he didn’t find you attractive enough, smart enough, or secure enough? Just think through all of the possibilities, including that he found someone else or got back with an ex, and just go with the one that hurts the least.

And know that it's really a gift.

It’s actually a gift that he didn’t tell you why – because now you’re in control. You can decide why it ended. It’s him, not you (it really is). And then you can truly move on, and on your own terms. And moving on is the best thing you can do.

If it’s been 4 or 5 days and he hasn’t called, and before that he was calling you every other day or even every day, then the reality is that you don’t want him to call. Because it’s been too long. If he calls now and you’re OK with it, then you’re going backwards. You’re becoming a doormat.

Don’t be a doormat.

If he calls now and you ream him out for it, and tell him you’ll never accept that kind of behavior again, he might change and start calling you more often. But do you really want a guy who calls you because he doesn’t want to get yelled at? No. You want a guy who calls you because he loves you, and he really likes talking to you. And that guy is out there. Tell Mr. didn’t call for 4 or 5 days that it’s been too long and you’ve moved on. Then move on with your respect and self-esteem intact.

And then go out and find a guy that actually likes to talk to you.

About Jane

Comments

  1. Amen!!!! Awesome advice! Don't sit around & wonder why(like I used to do). Just move on & say "Next!!!"

    • Exactly, Stacey - and yet, one of the hardest things to do when you're in the thick of it even if you know in your heart it's the best thing to do.

  2. I'm so confused..I met two guys last year both dissapeared. One suddenly after a year together he told me by text that 'its not goin to work'. Before that I would see him every weekend. He spent time with me & my two children. We did several days out together. It's been four months now. He hasn't called since, I called quite frequently as I found it so hard to let go. He always returned my calls but never came back to see us. I've been on no contact and I've got five dayys to go, and it will be a month. I often call and hang up but know I can't go
    back.
    The other guy I was seeing for 6 months...but it was very infrequent..he dissapearared after I made it quite clear I.. couldn't handle the sporadic dating I.e calling infrequently..dissapearing for days. A year later I see him just generally out and about. We get talking and he asks me 'why I havnt called him'....gobsmacked he was the one who dissapeared. He then gives me his number but its returned back to how it was originally..
    Completely confused...why can't dating and men be simple...where do I go wrong..

    • Of course you're so confused, Nina; I understood all too well how confusing it is to be with these types of men when you're in the thick of it. And of course it's so hard to let go when they send such conflicting messages and feel so good to be with. There are so many thoughts that come to mind, most of which can be found in a post I wrote on this exact phenomenon about why you keep attracting the wrong guys, and this one regarding why love should never be complicated.

      I hope these help to shed some light on these relationships. And know that you are not alone in this; it's in the going through these situations that we finally understand the work we need to do on ourselves to get to that other side. Recognizing something isn't working is always the first step in making the changes that start attracting someone different into our lives. You're on your way!

  3. The thing I struggle with on this issue is: Why can't he just explain himself like a normal human being? Why can't he just call and explain that he wasn't feeling it or he doesn't think there is any chemistry, or he's decided to pursue something or someone else. I prefer brutal honesty to just being abandoned. Especially if it's been a few months and I'm beginning to get emotionally attached.

    • I hear you, Lacey - I always struggled with that myself. And that's what is so hard about this kind of guy - he seems so interested, so attracted, that you do get emotionally attached because his behavior makes you feel that you have every reason to! Until that change happens. And then it just doesn't make sense.

      And it doesn't make any sense to him either, but it's the way that works for him and so it doesn't matter how much you want him to just be honest with you, he can't or won't and he doesn't even know why. And that's our cue to stop trying to figure him out and focus on ourselves instead and on someone who will be honest with us, who is emotionally and physically available to have a real relationship with us in the first place.

  4. I have situation like this. I see him and then we dont see each other until like two or seven days later. One time we didnt speak for 3 months and then boom, he calls and Im in total shock like I thought you forgot about me. but I realized after that he explained how he lost his phone and just got a new one. He always ask me to call him because he likes when I call him and he doesnt want to say his gonna call and then dont call. He doesnt want to disappoint me I guess. His great and all. Personality and all. But after reading your articles, I realize that I need to look after myself. Although I do cal him when I think about him or text him. He does reply but within like 10 hours after the call with a sorry i missed your text/call I was busy. So I think this might work but Im not allowing my hopes to get high because Ive realized that my world doesnt revolve around the person Im with or pursuing or being pursued by. Ive gained confidence and your articles have inspired me to continue what Im doing.

    I have a life and I know he does too. So our lives at this moment do not revolve around each other and so I dont mind seeing him when I see him or talk to him i talk to him. He doesnt mind that I call him when I think of him. But thank you for your articles. I love them and keep up the great work. Im a college student soon to start working on my Master's degree and he hasnt started college yet. So i see that im ahead and I know not to use time on someone that doesnt wish to do the same for me. But at the same time I know he sees me as focused and stable woman. So I am confident. Even if it doesnt work I still learned and am learning allot. #happyholidays

    • Thank you for your kind words, Selene; I'm so glad to hear you're finding something here to help you find your way on this journey. Know that if someone really is interested in you, they will pursue you and they will initiate contact with you; you won't have to be the one calling all the time. But in the meantime, you have figured out such an important key to relationships - the relationship you have with yourself. If you nurture that one before any others, and always remember who you are and all that you have to offer, you will find yourself in a much stronger position to choose who you allow into your life. Happy Holidays to you, too, my beautiful friend! :-)

  5. I was seeing this guy for almost 3 months. He ask me if we became serious. He texted and call me all the time. He'll tell me how much he really likes me and i could be his girlfriend. Everything went smooth. He greeted me for Christmas and suddenly he stop talking to me. New Years eve he try to talk to me and i greeted him Happy New Year and after that i haven't talk to him since then. Should i try to talk to him or wait.. and I don't mind moving on. :)

    • This is always so hard to understand;how someone can change, almost overnight, without any reason that we can see or understand. It really comes down to what you are looking for from him, Lulu. Ultimately, you will know if he is still interested in you because if he is, you will hear from him again. But the question is more about you. Are you ok with this? You've known him almost 3 months, which isn't a very long time, but it should still be long enough for both of you to know if you are interested in pursuing a relationship with each other. If your relationship has been based on direct communication, then it should be natural for you to talk to him and see where he's at. But if it's been more of an emotionally distant relationship without being equally balanced between the both of you, than this might be his way of getting some space and he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you directly. Either way, talking to him about it usually doesn't change anything. If he's not comfortable talking or is looking to distance himself, you probably won't get an honest answer out of him anyway, and if you just wait and see, you'll find out his level of interest that way, too. You deserve someone who you don't have to question what's going on with them and the relationship, Lulu, so if you're having doubts, you may want to explore that further and see if your answer becomes clearer in looking at what you are and aren't getting out of this relationship.

  6. i've know him for years ,we were friends and then all of sudden he said that he loves me ,he was AMAZING caring and he treated me like a princess and then after a couple of months he started to disappear for 4 or 5 days not calling ,i told him that i dnt like this and it makes me feel alone and that i dnt want him to disappear like this again,he said ok and it was ok for a while then he started disappearing again,now i dont like the way he is treating me ,he calls every 4 or 3 days and we go out every week or 10 days ,and he's always silent and never talks to me even when we go out he just keep staring at his phone ,im not sure what i should do or if he even still loves me
    its so confusing i dont know why he changed so much in such a short period :(

    • We often never know the reason why someone changes the way they are with us, Shaima; but what you can know for sure is that you can always choose whether you want to stay and continue to be treated this way, or whether to move on when your repeated talks with him to try to change things aren't changing anything. This is where we become the empowered beautiful, radiant, confident women we truly are because it is we who teach every single man how we deserve to be treated - by our actions.

      If he knows you won't put up with these behaviors from him, Shaima, and he wants to be with you, he will be very motivated to make some changes. If he doesn't, then you will know where he stands and be able to make your own decision much easier. Either way, it is your actions that say so much more than your words, and if you understand this, you will see that you really have much more say in your relationships than you think. You never, ever have to settle for less than someone who actively pursues you and makes sure you know how he feels about you. You are always worth so much more than this!

  7. Superb article it was like I was reading wat happend with meh.....
    There is one guy he is ma BIL's close frnd....and we got to knw each other formally at ma sis weddin...and more than a month ago went to ma sis place for a festivle and i met him there again bt we didnt talkd much....then afta few days i got his frnd req on social networkin....he wantd some pics that i clickd at the function i sent....and he lookd interested in meh and i too wanted to knw him more.....then he started chattin with me at first i was nt too open....but later he seemed a gud guy then i use to talk frndly with him....i started fallin for him and thru his talks it seemed he also think the same abt me....then we chated more n more daily....he use to say u r the 1st gal to whom i share evethng, he use to be too carin, supportive...and really he use to share evethng lyk where he is goin, wat he is doin wats his weekend plans bla bla n bla.....and day by day we chated more he askd for ma no. Twice bt 1st i denied 2nd tym i gave the we use chat on messenger daily alot.....then afta that he use to cal meh each consequtive day.....then one day i askd him wat he feels abt me...wateva it is say it, he was lil shy to accept his feelings for me so he told u i lyk u as a frnd, later wil thinj how it ll work....bt i was clear abt ma feelings i said i lyk u....afta his that rply i was lil upset for almost 2 days bt he said sorry for wat he said then later we chatted bt i was stil upset so answered him less, but he was still cheering me up and he said i need tym i said thats okay bt wat u feel jus say it i wnt feel bad....bt he wasnt ready i was lyk okay and i was in a good mood by the evening...and he was all happy that m happy....then later lyk the every other day he went to gym and he use to inform me bt that he didnt and askd him where he is he said on the way to gym i said ok....then afta that i msgd him thrice he didnt rplied....and he told me b4 that his 2 frnz knws he chat with me, then afta returnin frm gym he didnt chatted with me nor replied me i askd then too no response, so i decided to talk in the morning, so the next morng i askd wat hap, he said nthng u nly told to talk less n rest its upto u....i said its rude....he said u too talkd rude bt i said i said u sory for that many times....then he said ya thats okay.....he its nt gonna work futher bst of luck for ur future n all that sudddnly i was abt to cry....he i dnt deserve ur frndshp n m bad i said its nthng lyk that the situation is bad....then he said m always busy n that may hurt u if didnt replied ur msgs i cant give u tym so bettr nt to talk i said i hav neva eva complaint abt that weneva u free tlk to meh....he said m busy i said okay.....later in the eve i msgd hin that i gone thru the convo i have been rude so again extremly sory.....i tried ma bst to save the frnship bt he didnt replied me ever though he came ol.....then afta 2 days his status was if u dnt wannna hurt sm1 avoid them it was for me n m in puzzeled state that wat is d reason, his frnd askd whom u avoidin then he answered spl thanks to u....m sure that smthng his frnz said i donno knw the reason for his sudden behaviour wat is the thing that can hurt me and he is nt sayin shud i move on or wait??? Coz i think if i ll ask him he is nt gonna tell me the reason.......do u hav any solution???

    • It's always so hard to have someone come on strong in the beginning and then suddenly start pulling away from you, Preet, especially when there doesn't seem to be a clear reason. It sounds like you've done everything you can to keep this relationship going, but he's just not on the same page as you. If he isn't actively pursuing you, but simply responding instead, that's always a red flag that he's just not there where you are. When he's pulling away, and you start pushing for more, and he isn't giving you anything or telling you what's going on or why, and keeping his reasons to himself, then do what most honors yourself and your self-respect and give him the space he's clearly looking for right now.

      In the end, it doesn't matter what his reason is; if he was interested in pursuing something more and keeping this relationship going, he would be. As much as that can hurt, know that it hurts more the longer you hang on to something that isn't working, to someone that isn't on the same page as you. And know, Preet, that it always takes two people who both want the same thing and are on the same page to make a relationship work. This isn't any reflection on you, it's about him. You don't want someone who plays games with you and your heart. And you deserve nothing less than someone who keeps actively pursuing you and initiating contact with you, not just in the beginning, but throughout a relationship.

  8. Hi,
    I am absolutely devastated after what just had happened these 3 days. I've been exclusively dating this man for exactly 1 year. We both talked about our relationship as we see each other as a couple despite of our "title". It was I who intiated for us to take things slow and let our relationship/bond take its course since I was very scared to let my guards down due to a past traumatizing relationship. Everything was great as we spend 3-5 times out of the week. Our communication on the phone was everyday in the morning and everyday in the evening no matter what. Up until the last week of March, my friend (whose a girl) came into town from TX and we hung out that whole weekend. I had invited him along wherever we were going, but he had to work that Easter weekend. He invited me over on Easter for a dinner with his family, but I sensed some awkwardness going on between him and I over the phone and thru txt msgs. So I declined the offer and told him I will stay at home. The next day which was Monday morning, he didn't do his usually good morning phone call but I figured he might of slept in late or had a late work shift. We work next down the street from each other, so I happened to run across him and we chatted like usual. He seemed apprehensive as to why I didn't go to him for Easter, but we laughed everything off like usual. Well he calls me late that evening and we chatted 5 minutes but apparently he received a phone call from his brother who is in the army. He told me he will call back, but it was late and I assume he was asleep.

    Next day I called him, no answer, text him, no answer and oddly enough he was off work, so I would assume he had time to atleast respond. Nope... nothing.. 3 days gone by and I've been crying and heartbroken ever since and i text him long messages and he responded back 6 hours later that " he got alot on his mind and that he needs a trip to go away and that he hope I understand"????? Where did that come from! So i asked him if he is seeing someone else to let me know and I'll leave him alone and he says "no".

    Am not making excuses for his actions, but I am so heartbroken, I cant eat, sleep, I have a pounding headache and don't know what to do other than to leave him alone. I'm on the verge of puking as I am sick behind this.

    • oh Brit, my heart goes out to you! Of course you're heartbroken - you've gotten no specific clarification from him and yet something's clearly changed. When you've invested so much of yourself in this man over the last year, how could you not be devestated? And yet, Brit, please know this isn't really about you. You haven't done anything wrong, there's nothing wrong with you; this is solely about him. For some reason, something's triggered him, something's going on with him that has nothing to do with you.

      For whatever reason, he's just not able to share this with you so at least you'd have some more to go on and be able to process this better. He's just not able to. Try not to jump ahead or read more into this. While you don't know what's really going on with him, the reality is he isn't giving you many options here. He wants you to simply understand while he goes away to sort out whatever is affecting him. And while that's a lot to ask of you when you've built a relationship with him over the course of a whole year, you still have at least a couple of options.

      You can track him down, continue to call and text him or go to his house or work or wherever else you might find him and put yourself through all of the various scenarios that might be happening based on your imagination running wild -I've been there so I do understand that panic you're feeling right now all too well. Or you can choose to do the best thing you can do for you; you can accept that this is as much as he's able to tell you about what's going on, that this is where he's at, and you can choose to give him the space that he's asking for to sort this out. You can choose to calm yourself knowing that if you and he truly have something strong between you, it will withstand this and you will come through this still together. You can rest in the truth that if the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen because a real relationship is always about two people on the same page committed to making the relationship work regardless of whatever obstacles they face.

      And if you this isn't the case, if the two of you can't weather whatever storm is breaking here with him and your relationship, then please know, my beautiful brokenhearted friend, that you are still the same wonderful, attractive, desirable woman you were before this all happened. We can't make someone love us, we can't control what they do or don't do or how much they choose to let us in, but we can always choose ourselves and our lives and all that we are and all that we have to offer someone who is truly deserving of that beautiful woman known as you! You deserve nothing less than that - regardless of what choices any man makes!

  9. 2 months later from my last post ^^^^...

    He cheated and is with the other girl. She works with us and their so in love. That was what he couldn't tell me and sadly, I found out thru a mutual friend that works with all of us. He was sleeping with her while with me. Yep! Still heartbroken and lonely after all he did to me. He never once contacted me to apologize and at work, he acts like I do not exist. His girlfriend knows of me and she gives me such an awkward smirk of a smile. Never date someone from work!! Their now happily in love and she spends time with him and his family 24/7. She spends the night with him everyday at home and he lives with his parents. Talk about awkwardly embarrassing, but what can I say! I haven't contacted him since the Breakup 2 months ago. I refuse to allow myself to look desperate and weak even though I feel it was "my loss". He didn't deserve me as I was so good to him. Gave him my all and treated him like a king. Apparently, he never felt the same way about me. Infact, he treats her like a Queen in 2 months and when him and I were together, he didn't do anything nice for me. I made him happy and treated him good, but he didn't deserve me! I deserve a man that wants me to feel special and loved not a man who takes advantage of a good woman and doesn't appreciate her love, efforts and honesty.

    I am sad this happened but I am glad its over. I don't ever have to worry about him lying to me anymore, I don't have to worry about being with someone who didn't love me. I am free to love again and hope someone will love me back and be honest to me.

    • I'm so sorry, Britt; I know how much you wanted a different ending. But know, just like you say, you don't ever have to worry about being lied to anymore, wondering what's going on. He wasn't able to be honest with you, and so he chose to go the route he did, but know this wasn't about you - it was about him. If he could do this to you, he could do it to her, too, and there is always more to the story than what it seems on the surface - no matter how much in love they seem - there's always more there than you see!

      Let her smirk, my beautiful friend, she has him now, but she also has someone who could treat her the same way he did you, and you are the one that is truly free and available for that wonderful soul who is looking for you, too! Don't ever doubt that there will be someone who will love you back and be honest with you! It's not about hoping for that - be confident of that!

      But also be easy on yourself here because this is still very fresh and you are bound to second-guess yourself and question whether this truly was for the best. Know that this is a gift, even if it doesn't seem like it, and you will look back on this one day and see the situation in a clear light of something that wasn't meant for you, wasn't about you, and wasn't the loss it feels like. It's not your loss, it's your gain. Don't doubt that for one second, Britt. You deserve nothing less than someone who is on the same page as you and wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. Anything less than that isn't right for you, no matter how much it seems like it - and he - has the potential to be all that!

    • Hi! Umm, Britt... very curious. Does his girlfriend know that he was sleeping with you while he was also with her? lol! If she doesn't know, maybe you should tell her the next time she gives you that dumb sly smirk of a smile:-)

  10. My man was loving and caring, we are in a sexual relationship. He is a traditional guy. Whwat he does is he used to tell me when he is going to home, but recently he does not tell me he does not evn tell me when he is back he told me that it is hard for him to come visit me if he has no money even if i tell him that money is not important to me and myson he just dont show up. recently he does not even call me . He is not able to open up to me about his life. so i am confused cause he would ask me no matter what happends I should stay with him. during sex he tell me that he wish our love could grow till death do us apart. I already introduced him to myson. and I told him I do not want to introduce him unless he is sure that I am the woman for him. instead he forced himself to know myson. he met my sister and brother in law and promised to visit tomake an appointment to meet them. Is he still inlove with me or is he just passing by.

    • I always see a red flag when someone is clearly dominating the relationship and it becomes more one-sided than mutual. And when there are excuses, that is always concerning as well. Tahera, rather than focusing so much on what he does or doesn't do, or what he thinks, I would ask yourself what you think. What does this man mean to you? What are you looking for from him? When you're with him, do you feel better about yourself or worse?

      If you want someone who dominates and controls and only opens up during sex, then it sounds like that is what you have, but if you want someone who is open and giving and meets you mutually in this relationship, he may not be capable of giving you that.

      Take back your own power here, Tahera, and live the life you want your life to be, for both you and your son, and you will know soon enough if he is on that page or not by how he responds to the you that isn't willing to be controlled and dominated. It's your commitment to yourself and your son and the life you deserve that always says so much more than any words can say. You're always the one who shows him how to treat you, my beautiful friend!

  11. How come I still see him and fel like he is my future husband? Ihave never felt like this before about anyone. ive been through heartache and Ive cried many nights and could move on..but this for some reaon is different. Eventhough several bad things occurred, i still cannot let go. Ive stopped calling and he will reach out, ive stopped visits and then we will see one another and have moments of intimacy that are amazing. I'm torn and he said he is at a cross roads.

    Long story short, we dated for almsot a year long distanceand it was hard becasue fo the distance but we still managed visits 1-2 times a month. In the beginning neither of us was looking for a relationship but within months it grew to that. We talked every single day adn teh conversation as never forced and he always called me and vice versa. We took a trip - he paid - upon returning home, I recieved a message from a woman claiming to be his girlfriend. It was true. He confirmed it and told her i was someone different, just a friend and I was was marriedand my husband and I had complications. All not true. her and I spoke and she said he eventually told the truth and he admitted to havng strong feeligs for me. he even called and apologized the very next day. He said he fell in love with me and had't anticpated this - andnow he is at a crossroads about what to do becasue her and i are good women and he messed up. He also left out some life details that were major about children. i knew he had one but he neglected to tell me about another as a result of something I mentioned. He said that in time he felt that if he told me, i would leave him. ( truth) Now that the cat is out the bag - he wants us to still be friends. He said he is not with her , they occassionaly talk, as him and I do, but he said that since everythng has happened he enjoys not having to be accountable to anyone right now but he said he loves me nd can still see me as his wife. It breaks my heart. I recently saw him and we spent time together and the feelings came bck after several months and i asked him how he was feeling... he said its more difficult than I assme for him to make a decision becasue he knows it will be life changing. In all this, i have met others, flirted, gone out, but there is something that I cannot shake. He reminded me that what we had was real. Was it? I have told him that if he decides to be with her, then to let me know and I will move on. Am i being stupid by allowing him the decison? Is it possible for a man to love two women or is he lying and just got caught and can't let go? I know I'm better than him in so many ways, but the crazy thing is I feel like he is a soul mate - becasue we communicate so well and are open. we talk about committment and being ready, we've discussed a future...but to hear her tell me...they have had te same conversations. Is he playing a game that i am bound to lose in? Please help ladies...I am stuck. i am also tired of crying and whenever pull away, he always , always seems to be there. Any and all advice would help.

    Signed,
    Don't want to be a fool for love

    • Here's the thing about so many of these types of men, Deejay; we're attracted to them for a reason that has everything to do with us and colors the whole reality of the relationship so that you see things so differently than what someone from an objective standpoint sees. He has it made. He can tell you and her and whoever else he finds himself attracted to the same exact things and you all will buy into it and believe it because it triggers something in all of you so deep, so subconscious that you will excuse him in so many ways. You deserve so much better than this, my beautiful friend.

      Be proud of yourself, though; because on some level you get this, Deejay. When you ask "Am I being stupid by allowing him the decision?" - to choose you or her while you wait - you already knew your own answer. Take back your own power here and make your decision, Deejay. Do you really want someone who may or may not choose you over someone else? Do you really want someone who has to think about whether or not he's going to pick you? You know all your answers here. No, you don't want to be a fool for love, and you know you don't have to be. You know just how powerful you truly are!

      But there's something about him - that isn't actually about him, but about you - that keeps you hoping, keeps you hanging on believing what you so want to believe to be true about him. Accept that part of yourself, but know that it's about your own unhealthy attraction to someone who isn't worthy of you, but who does a great job of convincing you that he is. It's that amazing because you know he's not there. Deep down, you know the truth, Deejay. You sense it. But this pull from him is so very strong because you believe somehow that if he chooses you, you'll prove something to someone and that means so much to you. It's not true, though, you are loveable and beautiful and strong, and worth so much, my beautiful friend. You only lose this game if you choose to play it. Don't waste your beautiful tears on someone who can't be there for you except to play the savior role when it serves him to do so. Set your own terms. Let him know what you will put up with and stick to that. You can do this, Deejay. You can.

  12. So I have a bit of a unique situation. I was online dating and things seemed to be going well when I added him on Facebook and a couple hours later... nothing. He's not just abandoned the ship but burnt the ship behind him; he blocked me on Facebook and the dating site. I have been careful to make sure I present myself in an honest way both in how I talk/present myself and my pictures. I wouldn't be so concerned but this has happened to me a couple of times, and it sucks that I can't ask them why so I can take the constructive critisism and not make the same mistake again. Online dating sucks. I don't think I'm going to ever do that again.

    • There's no constructive criticism to take, Melissa. Everyone is looking for different things, different types of people, and what makes you attractive and someone want to pursue you will be different for everyone. Even if you knew exactly what happened, this is always about them - and where they're at and what they're looking for or not looking for - and not you!

      Be glad you found this out early, as hard as it is to see it this way, the reality is that you won't be wasting your time and energy on someone who clearly isn't on the same page as you. No matter how many times it's happened, it's happened because they haven't been right for you, not because there's anything wrong with you!

  13. OMG, Jane! Isn't it a bit too harsh? He did not xall for 4-5 Days and that's it? How do you even explain it to a guy? He will probably be like:"Yes, I was focusing on my studies/work. How was I supposed to know I have to call at least every three days? My schefule is busy and I am only available once a week. I thought it's normal. It's not like we are married. We are just starting to date and you already have all those tough rules? And if you really needed to talk to me that bad, why didn't you call?" I think completely discarding a nice and hardworling guy just because he wass not aware of your three day cut off rule is sort of harsh. Well, maybe do not fall for him yet, and do not stop dating other men just for him yet, but do not reject him 100% just yet?

    • It's the change in a pattern that's the point here, Nina. If someone suddenly stops calling and you're left wondering if they've fallen off the face of the earth, that's what we're talking about. Every relationship is different, everyone has their own calling patterns and comfort level with various communications. Take what resonates with you and leave the rest. It's all about being confident of what your own terms are and what you can - and can't - live with!

  14. Just one thing to think about, Jane. Ok, suppose he had a pattern of calling every day or so. But things do happen. He is hopefully not lying somewhere in a bush paralized and unable to pick up the phone, let's hope it is not that bad, and usually it isn't, but a lot of more normal things can happen. Suddenly grandfather gets sick, too much stress about some tough deadline at work, exam failed at school...need to do extra work and lots, lots other things can happen. I can tell you from my own experience, my life is a huge disaster. Anything can happen at any time. So the guy feels stressed, unsettled and he does not wish to call his gf in this state of mind. He feels he needs to work hard to sort things out before he can relax and spend time with a girldriend, and basically he is right. He has to be sure he takes care of himself first, gf next. So he only calls back after a week, when he is under less stress. And the gf tells him somerhing like:"Too late. I don't want to talk to you anymore! No appoligies or excuses accepted." If guys keep hearing that isn't it only natural that they would become committmentphobic? Next time before getting close to a girl he will question a hundred times:"And what if somewhere somwhow I fall short of her expectations and she will get mad and never forgive me? What if one girl was expecting calls and attention every single day, and then there might be a girl who gets used to getting gold jewellery every amniversary or holidays. So I better never get her any jewellery, because what if she gets used to it and then one day I can not afford it that going to be it."

    IDK, I think in our world of supposedly gender equality it is not a big crime on the part of a woman to give the disappearing man a call if he stopped calling and she gets worried about it. It is never a good idea to pursue a guy with frequent phone calls, but I think it is almost her obligation as a potentially "good and supportive wife" to call and find out what happened if he disappeared for longer then usual. What if he is feeling down and needs some moral support? Now if he blows her off or behaves like she should not have called or says something mean then certainly this is it. But it does not happen too often. The worst thing that can happen is the guy will say that he is busy, would call her later and never call, or she will feel indifference in his voice and realise that it is probably over. But in that case it is never too late to leave him alone and at least praise herself for being kind and sensitive and doing all she could do in a right and patient way.

    And I do understand that by doing that we sort if give up our status of "big desirable and hard to get catch", and become a bit more like a friend. But isn't it what were really want? Do we want to be just the big catch that he will catch one day and dump for an even bigger catch or do we want to be his girlfriend, which he might not have a crazy desire for all the time, but to whom he will get quitely attached, because she is such a nice person?

    • That's why it always comes down to you, Nina; what you can live with, what someone is worth to you, and what you are willing to put up with for what you're getting out of it and what you're not. No one else but you can know your exact situation, and no one is you! Love yourself enough to choose you over any guy or any relationship, get clear on exactly what it is you're looking for, and then trust yourself enough to make the decision that's the right one for you. It's always your decision, even if it doesn't feel that way. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says; at the end of the day, the only person you truly answer to is yourself.

  15. Cuddlybuffgirl says:

    Sometimes they leave because your confidence in yourself makes them uncomfortable. He is not where you need him to be because if he was, he would embrace a confident woman, not run from her. Sometimes, we come into someones life to show him where he is not ready yet, we highlight the areas. Men that have come into my life in the past have shown me that. Some men came into my life to teach me how to set boundaries, for me to see what I find unaccaptable and learn to stand up for myself.
    Bottom line is, you do not want a coward who runs away. Why? Because he runs away. If he stayed and discussed his fears in person, not over email- cause some will by email but never come see you in person again--he would be working through his stuff. If he was wiling to work through his stuff with you by his side, he would still be with you. You would have found the one. You would not be writing here for help.
    So, make room for the guy who will not run away by letting the one that does run away go. Make room cause life is too short to keep getting the crappy end of the relationship stick. You may find like myself, that you are single a lot. This is A OK because it is much better to be alone for now, then to be miserable with a someone who does not care for you, respect you, show you this through his actions. NEEEXT!!! lol
    Hey, I am not with anyone, but it is better then being with a broken wimp who won't ever have my back.
    Imagine you had kids with him and when that got difficult he just took off on you, poof into thin air!!! Mate selection is very important. Get to know a guy before you raise your trust for him to a place where you decide to be physically involved. Keeps your pink goggles off!!!!

    • We live, we learn, we grow. And then we live and learn some more. It is more than OK to be single and alone than with someone who isn't on your page, who isn't looking for what you are, and who being with, makes you feel worse about yourself than being alone. There is no worse feeling of being alone than being in a relationship and feeling alone!

  16. Michelle84 says:

    Obviously most of these issues are quite similar and the answers are quite repetitive for you, Jane but that being said....

    I met a guy out one night and we ended up coming back to my house (I know, not great). He made sure I had his phone number and facebook contact information before he left. We started texting each other and end up hanging out three more times that week. Every time I would see him, he would ask me when the next time we could see each other would be, etc. This continued for two weeks or so....seeing each other a few times a week, and when we hung out he would tell me how much he liked me, how pretty I am, etc. He would mention things about the future, how he would take me places, different hikes and stuff. It was great.

    He was also helping me study for something, but really it was kind of an excuse to see each other. We would "study" for a few minutes, then end up talking, then kissing, etc. But it was nice.

    Then, after about three weeks things started to slow down. He wouldn't text as much, or it would take him longer. He wouldn't ask me when the next time we would see each other would be, he would just say "bye" when we parted. We went from seeing each other twice a week to once. My friends said its normal, to see each other twice or three times a week in the beginning is a lot but it was the change that upset me.

    So one day he was driving me home and I asked him flat out what we were doing. It had been about two months of hanging out, and I was getting attached and I was starting to get really confused and upset by his change in attitude. He basically said to me that he liked me, he had fun with me but he was really bad at expressing himself and that to enter into a more serious relationship he needed to be sure, because he didn't want to rush into anything. Fine.

    And after that talk he kind of stepped up his game a bit more, but not much. He texted me more, and we went hiking that Sunday, but as the next week went on it kind of went back. I was still confused but I really like him and I thought, fine, if he needs more time to be sure I'll give it to him. But then, I was confused as to how he could be sure if we weren't even spending much time together.

    After another few weeks of this, he didn't make plans for me one weekend, which was strange because we had hung out every weekend. He wrote me Saturday night to say he was going to bed because he had work the next day, which I guess was to let me know that he hadn't made plans because he had a lot of work to do? I'm not sure. The next week we saw each other on Wednesday and once again he didn't mention the weekend. Thursday I plucked up the courage and wrote him a text saying, basically, Look, I like you a lot, but it seems like your feelings have changed and I'm confused. Its better if we don't see each other again.

    I expected him to not write back, or write back something just saying he understood, but he actually wrote back saying why did I say that? He likes spending time with me, nothing has changed, he has fun with me every time he sees me and that I am a "great friend" but for more he needs to be sure. Then he wrote me on FB chat and was just acting as if I had said nothing....

    We hung out once more after that, then he had to travel for work. He came back ten days later and it was his birthday. I wrote him to say happy birthday, and we texted a few times, but I haven't mentioned hanging out. He wrote me on Wednesday to say that maybe we could have class the next day if he was free, but if he wasn't for sure one of these days.....

    He wrote me on Friday to say that he was kayaking with his friends a bit far away from where we live (he's on a kayaking team), and how was I? How was my day going?

    I've decided not to write him back, but I don't know if this is the right thing to do. I am just so confused. It would be one thing if he said he wasn't interested, or disappeared completely, or stopped texting me or responding, but he's not. In fact, usually when I don't write him back he writes me again. And also the fact that when I said I didn't want to see him again he kind of wrote back saying no, no, why would I do that, etc. Is it obvious that he doesn't like me and I'm being stupid? Or is it possible that he's just got tons of commitment hangups? I have no idea what's going on or what to do, and not responding seems the easiest thing to do because I've already told him I wanted to break it off and he acted like I said nothing.....

    Please help!

    • You're finding out what his comfort level is, Michelle. You're seeing firsthand the way he's happy with the relationship going and how much he feels the need to be together, to make plans, to text, to talk, etc. You're finding out where he stands. He's content to keep things casual to takes things slow, to see what happens, and he doesn't feel the same need or urgency to define the relationship or move ahead with plans for the future. He's content to live in the moment and he doesn't understand why you're not or what you're looking for from him.

      But this isn't about him.

      This is about you and what you can live with. It sounds like you need more, like you need to know what's going on and where this is going. My question for you is what if you could take a step back, focus on you, keep living your life, keep your options open, don't commit to him any more than he's committing to you, and fill up your own life with the people and activities that you enjoy being with so that he doesn't become your one and only focus with all of your eggs in one basket? Only you know what you can live with and what you can't, and if being with him in this "halfway" place where it feels like he's not where you are isn't working for you, you have to decide what he's worth to you and where you want to go from here. It's still early, you don't really know him that well, but again, you have to decide what you really want here with him and what you don't.

      If you want to break it off, break it off, but if you don't, don't. You're not going to change him or get him to do things the way you think he "should" behave, you can only decide what you want to do for you. It doesn't sound like he doesn't like you and no, you're not being stupid. It just sounds like he's content to live his life and go with the flow, and quite honestly, if more of us could do the same, we would find this whole dating adventure a lot more enjoyable and a lot more for what it's supposed to be; an adventure. But as always, you have to come to this for yourself, Michelle, and find your peace within you whatever decision you make!

  17. Veronica says:

    I've only just realized that I fell in love with a narcissist. He was my disappearing man but not before he'd promised me every dream I could hope for, then crushed my self esteem to pieces and disappeared....waited until I built myself up again, came back, promised me the world then disappeared again...then when I built myself up again, he tried again. I wanted to die, I felt so alone. I simply wanted to love him. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong. He made it clear that the failure was mine, but then he'd apologize to gain my trust again and this is a repeat pattern...but this time, I disconnected. The pain and damage these people do is ... well, even I couldn't believe it and I see him now searching for new prey. They feel no emotion, they pretend and they are the best at it. He isolated me from everyone, forced me to prove that I was faithful to him while he cheated on me, built me up, just to knock me down, tried to convince me that I was nuts or overreacting and then convinced the people around him of the same thing. The only thing that has helped me through this and to gain any pride back is to learn about narcissists and to understand that I did nothing wrong. I did not fail. They choose very loving, empathic people. They don't see you as a person, but as a source of supply...for their ego in some way. If you recognize any of this, then maybe you were with one too and perhaps finding out more about it can help ease your pain. Even now it still hurts, but I am strong and I will recover. Much love to all xxx

    • ... and you are free!! Thank you for sharing your story, Veronica. Go easy on yourself and take your time; it took a lot to get there.

  18. I was seeing someone for more than half a year. We were kind of in a semi-long distance relationship, living in different towns a couple hours apart, with work/school schedules that made our get-togethers that he always referred to as "hanging out" only a few times a month. But within the time we spent together, I felt something for him and I know he did too, with the cuddling, sex, constant talking, and "I miss you"s. Before I met him, he had been dealing with depression and supposedly was happy after picking himself up by the time I came. His past still haunts him, and it came up just last month, when he all of a sudden broke down crying, something completely out of character for him, wanting to end things because he felt bad that he was leading me on, saying I deserved better because he wasn't ready to commit even though he had serious feelings for me, suffering from a "horrible incident that ruined him for the past year." However, within a week he contacted me again revealing the secret incident that made him unable to commit and be in an official relationship, which was completely understandable, also telling me that he regretted ruining what we had, that he still missed me, he didn't want to lose me even if we only resort to messaging each other from then on. So, me being an attached idiot, went along with it all, leading to three days ago to him asking to see me before I fly off on vacation, then proceeding to ignore me for two days before plans were made. It seemed like things were really good before then. Finally he had the nerve to text me last night, a complete casual conversation where he ignored the fact that he didn't answer my previous messages. Then when he brought up asking if I was available the next day, I decided to say I wasn't with an obvious bs excuse to which he responded that he was going to be too busy after that. Which I know would be true since I heard he got a second job and whatnot. So I brought up him blowing me off, suggesting that I guess it doesn't matter anymore, basically ending it before I realized what I was doing. But what surprised me most, was how easily he just simply accepted it with a text, "Alright then" and then deleted me from all social media. I know it can't be because he met someone, but I'm just not sure what's going on in his mind. He was always so nice and the best to get along with, have a good laugh with, be affectionate with, and now he's become this cold stranger who I don't think I'll ever see or hear from again, which worries me after all that's happened. Does he even care?

    • oh, Layla, the ways we try to understand the ones who we're never meant to understand because it's their own inner battles they're fighting that have nothing ever to do with us! You found out just how deep this all went for him, and yet how easily it was to say goodbye and be let off the hook of trying to be or do anything more than what he was ultimately capable of. Don't take this personally; you tried, he tried, he couldn't get there and the reason he's responded so coldly shows you just how confused within himself he really is.

      We have to learn when to recognize when we're getting in over our heads with our beautiful giving, loving, caring hearts, Layla. And resist the urge to try to help someone who can't be helped by anyone but himself, and not by the "love of a good woman" story that so many of us have bought into. You may not hear from him again, and as hard as that is to accept, the reality is that it's much faster to get over someone who doesn't give you little bits of hope and wonder that there might still be something to selvage when they're not in a position to offer anything else. You can't fix it - and while he still probably cares on some level - on another level, it's a relief to not have to try to work at something when you're not willing to work at.

      If he gets there, you'll be the first to know. But don't wait around for it to happen. This is your time, your life, and there's a whole world out there - including someone who won't make this so complicated! - that's just waiting for you to be open to see him, too!

      • Thank you, Jane! When I read your reply, I felt a sort of release because I felt like those were things I needed to hear. I have another question though. Based on the way it ended, without any apologies, and the fact that I was too shy to really give him an idea of how I felt about him or how I felt about the whole thing, do you think that would be the last I hear from him, ever? I don't plan on waiting for him by any means, but it's made me wonder what the guys on the other side of the situation feel, and if they ever try to seek closure. I mean there are a lot of maybe's as to why it ended, whether he just lost interest, etc., but do most of them just leave it at that in such a rude way? Even if they're generally good people?

        • If it's easier for them, if this is what they're comfortable with - if this is ultimately the way they wanted it - then yes, this is often how it ends even if they're generally good people. We all do what works for us, regardless of how someone else takes it or judges it to be. Or they reappear down the road with all kinds of reasons and apologies simply to do it all over again.

          The point is, Layla, it's never predictable because there's always so much more going on underneath the surface that you can't possibly know or understand. That's why asking someone "why" never really helps you get the closure you're looking for. What does work, is focusing on you, creating a life for yourself so full of your dreams, your passions and the people who adore you and want to be in your life that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter. He's going to do what he's going to do for his own reasons that have nothing to do with you; we just need to remember this and do the same!

  19. Hi Jane. Please help. I have been chatting to someone since Dec 2013 online and we got on well online. He wanted to speak on the phone, which we did. I was impressed by how we got on. He then wanted to meet, which I put off for a bit, but eventually we did, 2 months later, though stayed in touch via email frequently before and after this date. We got on well on 1st date. I felt it and he clearly did as he said he'd like to see me again, but said I should let him know ''if I want to meet again''. As if the ball is in my court? He's said he wants to not rush into physical activity, i.e. sex as it 'complicates' things. How many men would forego sex!? He's also alluded to having been hurt by an ex and having no confidence to approach people, so maybe he prefers the girl to do the chasing? I'm so confused on all the advice on girls chasing/not chasing. (And yes, I read your post which said it ultimately doesn't matter.) So, we went on date 2. All fine. Said he hopes to see me again. I asked him out for date 3, later on in email, which we went on. He then started out of the blue putting kisses in correspondence, where before he didn't. He's always been slightly clinical in emails etc: ''all the best/good day'' etc. I feel he's scared cos of his past relationships, but get the hunch he likes me. He asked just before date 3 about a date 4, which he arranged. On date 3 he asked when I'm next around. I said I'd let him know. He said about coming to my home one time, or me to his. Then date 4: he said he felt ill and had bad headache. Otherwise it went ok, but he was quiet, apparently cos of feeling ''like someone's crushed my skull''. At end of date 4 he said nothing about meeting again (where he did on date 3) but 'nice to see you'. I emailed him next night to see if his headache was gone etc. He replied 2 days later saying he was quite ill. Usually he replies the next day, or 2 at most, to emails. I sent one back asking if he was free a set day last week, he said no, he had something pre-booked that day but ''I hope to see you again soon though''. I am confused on this, as this was 5 days ago. I replied to this email - he asked general questions on how my week was, was I feeling better now myself (I was also ill recently) etc. In my reply, I also said 'let me know how footie goes on Friday'' as he had an important match. But he's not replied to my email of nearly 6 days ago. Usually he does 2 days maximum. I tend to be neurotic and over-analytical at the best of times, but this is contradictory. He asked questions in his last email to me, which I answered. Why would he ask these if he didn't want an answer (I.E. further communication)? He made smiley faces, i.e. :), which implies positivity, right? He said, though he couldn't meet on the proposed day he ''hope (s) to see you again soon though''. WHY would he say this if he didn't mean it?! And yet there's been no reply to my reply to this last email of his, from 5/6 days ago when he usually replies in 2 days max. I'm so confused. He's not let me know how his big match went, as I requested. I get the hunch he likes me but is scared, perhaps cos of his alluded-to past. It's not as easy as 'if it's meant to be it will''. I feel we'd be great together but he needs a little 'push'. But then I don't want to scare him off being 'pushy'. He really seemed to like me, as I'm sure you'll agree, looking at my account. He's always so chivalrous, holding doors open, paying for drinks etc for me. before our last (4th date), he told me in email he was 'looking forward to seeing me'. it felt like he was coming out of his shell. Now it seems to have slowed. what should I do? I feel he likes me but is scared. A hunch I get. I'd love to know what he thinks/feels. Even if he's changed his mind, I hate to be left wondering. I know you say to just move on though, but I cant its so hard. My friend thinks I'm worrying too much and if he's said 'hope to meet again soon', then he wouldn't have said that and not meant it. But then 6 days later..... Please help, and sorry for long essay! :)

  20. Hi Jane,
    I met a wonderful man four months ago. One month into our relationship he said he loved me, I couldn't say it in return but about a month later I did. I spoke about how important the word love is for me and that I don't take it lightly and never said it and felt like I meant it until I met him. In the beginning he used to text all day but the after about 2 months it began to slow down. Sometimes I would text or call and not hear back for hours. He used to say that he loved hearing from me and that he was excited about our future and would always talk about plans and even mentioned marriage. When I called him out on his decrease in communication he wouldn't address it, he said it didn't bother him and he was more focused on our future. He began to say I was insecure and needy but I only called him once a day at that and didn't bombarded him with text during the day. He changed his work schedule to spend more time with me but was always asleep after work and most nights he wouldn't even text me goodnight like he used to. This made me more insecure in our relationship and I would bring this up. He accused me of trying to make him feel guilty. I told him I wanted it to be like it was before and he said that he set the bar high and now every time he fell below it he had to hear about it. I finally told him I was going to focus on my life and would stop stressing the communication issue. He was like where does this leave us and I said we were still together but I thought it would help if I didn't but so much focus on whether we talked often. There were times when he delayed plans over stupid stuff like a nose bleed and having to take his cat to vet because his ear was bugging him. We had it out that day because I felt like he was stalling but he came over that day and we had a great time. He professed his love that day and spoke about future plans. I spoke with him the next day and everything seemed normal. He sent me a txt saying that he was talking to his mom and brother and then I didn't hear from him the next day. I called once and texted a couple of times but didn't stress it. The next day he leaves a message saying his phone broke and it still want working right. That's the last I heard from him. I went to his house and he was there but didn't answer the door. I called and texted him saying I didn't understand what happened and that I needed closure and so on but nothing...no response. I'm not sure if I turned him off with my insecurities but I felt that he was pulling away and that's where I began to have problems. I don't know if he pulled away because of me or if there was someone else. I don't know he kept speaking of our future that day if he felt he was ggoto leave me high and dry. Any insight?

I'd love to hear from you. Let me know what you think!

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