He Might Be Right In Front of You

He might be right in front of you.
Don't overlook that genuinely nice guy just because you don't think he's your type.

Sometimes the perfect guy for you has been right there all along, you just didn't notice.

Buried in between all the unhealthy relationships that never turned out the way I wanted them to; in between all those heartbreaking dramatic episodes with guys that could never give me what I was so looking for, there were a few men who were what I now recognize as really healthy, relationship material kind of guys. But at the time I was just not open to seeing them that way; instead I continued to chase the unhealthy romantic fantasies about love that I had in my head.

These were genuinely good guys who were looking for an exclusive relationship, weren't afraid of commitment, were honest, were real and didn't play games. Guys who would talk about real life everyday topics, would call when they said they were going to call, show up and plan ahead for when we would see each other so I felt confident that I was a priority, and basically treated me the way I actually wanted to be treated. But because they weren't igniting my own unhealthy chemistry indicator, or maybe because they weren't going full tilt on the romantic pursuit that made me feel so desirable and worthy, they never stood a chance. Of course, all of them got married and started families not too long after I gave them the "it's not you, it’s me" speech, while I remained single still holding out for the one who existed only in my unhealthy fantasies. The kind of guy I considered my type.

I'll never forget the guy I found too boring (read: he was emotionally stable, financially secure and genuinely a real nice guy), but it was so even-keeled a relationship (read: healthy) that it didn't do anything for me – and so I left for California telling him there was nothing here for me. And I still didn't get it when he asked "What about me?"  I simply refused to believe it could be love if there wasn't an extreme rollercoaster feel to it.

But what if I had known then what I know now?  What if I had been looking for a real person to have a real relationship with instead of someone based on the unfinished business of my childhood?  How much time, energy and heartbreak could I have saved myself if I had figured this out early on?  Of course, I was fortunate to have finally realized that what I thought was my type was actually not going to get me to the kind of relationship that I knew I really wanted.

And you can too.

It can be as simple as recognizing that what you actually want is someone who acts like he's interested in you, not someone you have to try to change or convince of your worth and desirability to get him to show more interest in you. You're worth at least that and so much more!    You don’t have to go through any more of this game we call love but isn't anything that actually even resembles true love.

So go ahead and take that second look. First at yourself and what you really want, and then at him, and all the other ones like him that you previously haven't even considered getting romantically involved with, for whatever reason.  What would it hurt to go on a few dates, get to know him better, and be truly open to seeing if anything blossoms?

Because you'll never know unless you do, and you won't always get a second chance to find out. That other woman who knows what she really want and was open to seeing his real value will have already scooped him up.

Comments

  1. Annie says

    This is really interesting article. I think all single women meet these guys that we are just not attracted to whatever reason it is and lately I have thought about this a lot. I have a friend who is super nice and always there for me but he is only a friend. In fact he annoys me a lot. Just the things he do are against my beliefs and thus he manages to annoy me. I have tried to be more open minded but I just feel like he is on different level. He is also younger than me and sometimes his naive comments just make me roll my eyes. Perhaps I'm arrogant and snob in a way but I do think that if there is no spark and he just annoys me, it will not work out. Or will it? And why would I need to choose the only guy available? Should I really? I think not and to be honest I'm actually quite happy on my own now.
    What do you think?

    • Jane says

      You're not being arrogant or a snob, Annie; if there's no spark and he just annoys you, chances are the two of you are most likely not a fit. And you never need to choose the only guy who's seemingly available! If you're happy on your own right now, that's the most important thing because it's from that place of being happy and confident within yourself, that you'll find yourself attracted to - and attractive to! - someone who will complement your life beautifully!

      My point here is that so many of us have found ourselves attracted to a certain type who is actually the worst possible guy for us if it's a committed relationship we're looking for, while we've overlooked someone who has all the qualities that really matter when it comes to a committed relationship that lasts because of our own baggage and triggers. Once we've figured out what's really going on with ourselves (i.e. why we keep attracting the wrong guys), we often find we see someone differently who we readily passed up before, but they've moved on to someone looking for a real relationship. So my point is, that although I believe we eventually end up with whoever we're meant to be with regardless of how we get there, we can make our lives so much easier and avoid so much heartbreak by getting to that place faster if we learn to recognize both the types that aren't on the same page as us, and the ones that are looking for exactly the same thing we are.

      It doesn't have to be an either/or proposition; instead, it's about allowing yourself to see what you didn't see once you figure out what's coloring your lenses!

      • Annie says

        Thanks for the response! I think I have not quite understood this. I always thought that I'm single because I don't accept the guy who is nice to me but really just isn't my fit.
        Being single for 6 years now I get phases when I'm really learning and willing to accept my life on my own and periods when I'm just desperate. Usually it happens when I think I have finally learned to be happy on my own and then one night casually I meet someone that seems attractive but someone I know I cannot have for some reason. Someone who I may think is taken or who is not interested in me. And then I'm back to square one again.
        I think the only thing I have learned is that I know that it takes time to getting used to the person and even this guy I meet seems attractive to me at first might still not be the guy after all as I really don't know that person at all and all I am clinging to is the fact we seem to be on the same level and he is the type I think may be suitable for me when in reality he might not.
        It makes me wonder; if there are the types I am attracted to that are not the right fit necessarily and the types that annoy me, then what is it I should be looking for? When all I am looking for is someone who is on the same level, who has similar goals in life and who has seen a bit more than his back garden in his life time thus making him more open minded and interested in the world.

        • Jane says

          The one step forward, two steps back dance is such a part of this journey, Annie; know that you are so not alone here. The point here is to be picky about the right things and in touch with your own blind spots and triggers along the way.
          It's not just a numbers game or a lottery. There are so many reasons why we find ourselves still single, but it usually has to do with where we are in our own levels of awareness and what and who we are looking for and why.

          If you focus on the qualities that matter the most to you - making a list of your must-haves, nice-to-haves and your deal breakers - this can help both help to clarify what you're really looking for and also help you clearly see this type of man. Whether you meet men online, at various single venues, through friends, through work, through your hobbies/passions/interests, it's about you being who you truly are so that the two of you can find each other that matters as much as anything else. Where do you go on your own open-minded adventures? That same level as you, those similar goals - what does that look like in a practical sense? Where would you go if you were him? Sometimes, it is imagining that you are your soulmate that you will find those places that he is most likely to be.

          You'll get there, Annie, whether you try or not; love that is meant to be happens both because of you or in spite of you. It's hard to be patient, I know. But it's in this process that it happens, often in the way we least expect it and only very rarely on our timetable.

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