Your relationship compass may need a calibration
Is your relationship compass pointing you in the wrong direction? Here's how you can correct it.
Last week I wrote an article for YourTango about 8 Signs You Aren’t Ready for a Relationship. If you haven’t read it yet, check it out. I’m going to spend the next week or two delving into each of these more deeply, one by one, and discussing what you can do to make sure that you are ready for a relationship when your Mr. Right comes along.
Is Your Great Guy Compass Accurate?
Is your relationship compass off? Do you find yourself attracting the wrong type of guy over and over again? If this sounds familiar, then your relationship compass might be in need of a calibration.
Just as a compass points North due to the internal magnet that aligns itself to the natural magnetic field of the earth, your relationship compass works off of magnetic attraction – and I know you know what I mean here. You are just magnetically drawn to him – the way he looks at you, the way he talks, the way he moves. You were drawn to him the first time you saw him, and your heart started beating faster the first time he talked to you. We’ve all been there.
Of course, the magnetic attraction part isn’t the problem – in fact it’s wonderful! The problem is when we find that we’re consistently magnetically attracted to a guy that’s not right for us; he could be emotionally unavailable, have alcohol or drug addictions, or an explosive temper. You may find yourself, like many women, drawn to the bad boy, always thinking that you’re going to be the one to tame his wild ways. But after a string of these, you’re starting to realize that bad boys might actually be bad for you.
So what is it that causes you to be drawn to these specific types of men? Well, it really comes down to the early programming of your delicate childhood brain (doesn’t it always?) Everything you know about relationships and love, and what they’re supposed to look like and feel like, you learned in childhood from your parents (or whoever your primary caregivers were.)
The good news? While it’s very difficult, if not impossible, to change your internal programming, it is possible to become aware of this programming, and recognize when it’s leading you to make bad choices. Once you understand why you’re making the choices that you’re making, you can learn to be aware of these motivators, and you can then use that awareness to change the way you make choices in the future.
So let’s get started.
Know What You Don’t Want
Yes, it’s time for lists. Get out your pen and paper or open up a blank Word doc. List out all of your past partners that you were in a serious relationship with (don’t bother including guys that you only went out with for a short time.)
Underneath each name, write out who broke off the relationship, and why. Then list out the qualities that you disliked about your ex, in order of priority, starting with the worst. Was he controlling and/or manipulative? Emotionally unavailable? Unfaithful? Did he have an explosive temper? Was he moody? Get them all down on paper.
If you find that as you’re making your lists, you still have some feelings of hurt and anger over these past relationships, which is very common, take some time to really examine those feelings. Feel them. Let yourself cry.
Forgive Him
Then, once you’re done feeling, crying, and grieving, dig deep and find it in you to genuinely forgive each one. For each, try to understand what may have made him the way he was, and realize that he was broken also. Then, in a forgiving and loving way, release those feelings so that you can truly move on. Holding on to these past hurts only makes them continue to hurt – and they’re only hurting you. If you release the negative feelings, you will free yourself to completely heal, which needs to be done before you can be truly healthy in a new relationship.
Understand Yourself
Take a look at your lists and see which of the bad qualities that you listed are the most common. Typically you will see some that pop up in many, if not all, of your relationships. Maybe all of the guys in your past were heavy drinkers or wound up cheating on you. Make a note of these by circling them, putting a check mark next to them, or using a highlighter (my personal preference.) These are your negative attractors, and are what we will be examining next.
Now think about your childhood. Did one or both of your parents have these traits that you highlighted? Did your father drink a lot or cheat on your mother? Or maybe your parents were very heavy-handed or controlling when it came to alcohol or who you could date, and now you’re rebelling. As children we all wanted to be loved by our parents, and our minds firmly believe our parents loved each other, so how we were treated as children by our parents and how they loved and treated each other become our model for what love is supposed to look like. And since much of this was absorbed sub-consciously, we often don’t even realize this is what’s been going on.
I remember the epiphany I experienced when, after coming off of yet another devastating break-up, I suddenly realized that what I had really been looking for - and finding – in each of these failed relationships, was someone similar to my father who I could finally win over to give me the love I had been looking for my whole life. But I was always seeking it from someone as emotionally unavailable and distant to me as he was. And getting to the root of that was the beginning of attracting something different into my life, as difficult as it was to get to that point in the first place.
Know What You Do Want
Now make a list of all of the qualities of your perfect partner. Note that we’re not talking about superficial things like “tall, dark and handsome”; we’re looking for things more along the lines of responsible, hard-working, funny, affectionate, etc. It may help to go back to your earlier lists and add all of the good qualities that each of your former long term partners possessed (after all, there must have been some reasons you stayed with them so long.) Add these good qualities to your “perfect guy” list.
Picture It
Now that you have a good picture painted of what you actually want in a guy, and a relationship, try to visualize what it would be like to be in a relationship with this perfect man. Again, you’re not visualizing the physical characteristics – try to keep his physical appearance kind of vague right now. Just picture his values, behaviors and personal traits – how he treats you, how he makes you feel, how you interact with each other, and how you interact as a couple with friends and family. Remember, this is your ideal relationship so go for it – if you want flowers every Friday, go ahead and picture that. If you want steamy passion, don’t hold back. Take some time to picture yourself in as many real-life scenarios as you can think of; the better you can picture it, the more likely it is that you will find it.
Time For Some Self-Reflection
Now for one of the toughest parts, and you need to be completely honest with yourself here – after all, you’re doing this for yourself. Take a look at your negative list – do you see any of these qualities in yourself? If so, make a note of these and take the steps needed to work on them. This is not easy to do, but it’s one of the best things you can do to attract healthy love, in fact it’s critical. Knowing that you’re in a healthy state, physically, mentally, and emotionally will raise your confidence levels and in turn your self-esteem, which will in turn attract confident, healthy men with high self-esteem.
Now compare the list of what you do want in a guy to how you view yourself – do you see each of these qualities in yourself? If not, then once again you know where your areas of improvement lie. We really do attract what we are, so it’s all about being the type of person, with the same values, beliefs, and character traits that you’re looking for in a partner. If you want someone who’s kind, be kind. If you want someone who’s trustworthy, make sure that you’re trustworthy yourself.
Great! I know what I want. Now what?
Congratulations - you now have a detailed vision of what you want in a relationship, and that’s probably more than you’ve ever had before. Typically people spend more time thinking about what kind of television they’re going to buy than what they’re really looking for in a partner, so you’re way ahead of the game!
So the next time you start dating a guy (which will be soon, since you’re radiant, confident, and beautiful – and you know what you want), really try to see if he has any of the negative qualities that you have been drawn to so magnetically in the past. But this time don’t overlook them or make excuses for him. Even if you’re tempted to. Because I know firsthand just how easy it is to make someone appear to have more potential than he does, simply because we’re feeling that magnetism again.
I’m not necessarily saying to cut him loose right at the first sign, but really try to be aware of the behavior, and if it looks like what has caused you heartache in the past, make sure that you see it for the red flag that it is. It’s about being very deliberate in your choices, and not allowing yourself to fall in love with the feeling of love; most of the time that feeling is really just your insecurity surfacing, causing you to feel happy that you’ve been chosen. Remember, we’re doing the choosing now.
Know that this will not be easy. Going against your true nature will always be uncomfortable – especially when it’s so subconsciously ingrained. If in doubt, when you meet a guy that you like, but you’re not sure if he could be more of the same, ask yourself right away, does dating this man feel like it could result in a long term, happy, healthy relationship like the one I’ve been visualizing? Then you’ll have your answer. It’ll get easier with time.
At some point you’ll find the guy that you’re both attracted to and is safe for you. And that’s when you know your compass is working well.
Next post in this series: Do You Need a Man in Your Life to Feel Happy?
About Jane
Great advice! I did this today & it did bring up a lot of painful memories I didn't realize I still had.
Stacey, I'm so glad you did the exercise. Personally this led me to what was one of the most significant breakthroughs I experienced. And yes, it typically brings up many painful memories, which is exactly what we need - this begins the healing, and allows us to change our future.
My dad was also emotionally unavailable, never showing affection or saying I love you and therefore I learned that it was not okay to show your feelings and that is something I am working on. Knowing the reasons why I do what I do helps me to accept it and move on. This is a great article - necessary homework for sure!
Lisa – That's great to hear that you're figuring it out and working on it, because that's the first step towards changing things for the better and getting into a relationship that's healthy and loving, and that will work for you. This really was the pivotal point for me in my dating life, and it was what allowed me to attract (and be attracted to) the kind of guy that I needed to be with and break the seemingly never-ending cycle of dating emotionally unavailable men.
I have done all of these, long time ago.... Four months single at the age of 32 and still waiting for something good to come... I hope its on the way finally because Im so tierd from pointless relationships. I also collect photos of happy loving couples. I put them on a board and look at them often.
The waiting - and being patient - and calming our need to know when and how is always the hardest part. Be proud of how far you've come, Mary; it takes many of us a long time to recognize these patterns and change the way we repeat these over and over again.
Hello Jane
This is a great article and I took time to do the exercise today. Because I just met this guy and he is beginning to give me some reasons for concern and dnt knw what to do about it. Am I attracting another wrong guy again? Let me take u through my findings using ur headings
KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T WANT
I did this exercise using my 3 past real relationships. I felt hurt when I made a list of that of my recent ex. His Lies, thinking of them still hurt.
FORGIVE HIM
Am big on forgiveness, and I believe ve forgiven my exes..infact m more concerned about their emotional issues than about the hurt they caused me. I try to be nice to them. my last ex, I forgave him for everytin but when I tink of the lies he told me I feel depressed. I can't understand how u can claim to love someone so much and yet lie to them so much. Am trying to release this feeling. Its not easy
UNDERSTAND YOURSELF
2 items were recurrent in all 3 relationships; Low self esteem and being very stubborn. 3 items appeared in 2 relationships; find it difficult to apologize, hot tempered which lead to using unkind words, being too emotional. I marked them as my negative attractors and 3 was prominent in my childhood.
I believe both of my parents were too stubborn that's why they divorced. Plus both of them had issues with self esteem. I grew up with my dad and he was always worried we dnt love him well enough. He wanted to force his idea of how to love him out of us, only suceeded in pushing us farther away. My mum is worse off, she will never agree she has grown up children (she gave birth at an early age). She tells everyone we re her younger ones, cos she's afraid to accept she is not a girl anymore. And both of them are hottempered and uses really very unkind words when they flare up.
I have forgiven my parents a long time ago..cos I realised they were once kids too and they grew up not knowing how to handle their childhood issues.
KNOW WHAT YOU DO WANT
I want a guy that's honest, loving, caring, responsible, faithful, Funny, Romantic. The highest my oda exes got were a 4/7
PICTURE IT
I do this everyday, picture the love life I want and keep hoping I will find it someday.
SELF REFLECTION
I believe m all these. I see these good qualities in myself and get irritated why I cant find them in others. My ex use to say I act like m so perfect, I ve no faults..I want to be the man, the one in control..I make him feel like the woman..now this new guy is saying same thing. I never claimed to be perfect, m hot tempered, emotional and stubborn. And I don't want to be the man in my relationship. So why are they saying that?.
SO NOW WHAT
Like I said before I just met this guy. Met him at a time when I was considering breaking up wt my bf. I was having a bad relationship and was withdrawing from it gradually. After I officially broke up wt my bf..we both agreed to start dating. I met him online and at that point, that was the kind of relationship I needed. I knew about the whole avoiding rebound relationship thing, I considered that too. He told me his weaknesses are that; he has pride, he gets nervous cos he lacks confidence sometimes and he is too emotional. I should ve ran for the hills afta hearing this but I didn't.
I have known him for 3 months now. He turned out to be a great guy, he insisted on being exclusive and he was happy to show me off as his gf to his friends, males and females. He will insist I talk to them when he calls, he will insist on talking to mine too and my siblings. Believe me after almost 2 years of dating an ex who won't commit, this came as a welcomed relief. He was the most honest guy ve met in a long time, another relief and though I haven't seen him yet (I intentionally want to take things slow) this guy is hitting a 6/7 on my 'what I want' List. We are far apart but in a couple of months I will be moving over to his state permanently to work there. We make long term plans together and things are pretty good. My pic is always on his display picture on blackberry messenger with romantic captions. When m in a financial jam, he sends me money. When I voiced my concern about his single relationship status on facebook, he changed it to being in a relationship. And when I asked him why his ex gf pictures are still all over his facebook photos, he went ahead and deleted all of them. He remembers evry detail of things I tell him. He's caring and always want me to know where he is and what he is doing. But we ve quarreld several times and when we do, I notice he is hottempered and says unkind words. Plus his pride makes it difficult for him to apologize. He gets easily defensive and will rather attack back. Then the next day, he will call me and start apologizing. Why the drama? If u knew u are finally going to apologize why not save both of us the headaches and do it before things got out of hand. Also he is stubborn, only good thing is when he's calm, he can be persuaded. He is also emotional.
I really do like this guy, but he's showing my negative attractors already. What do I do? We just quarreled last night and he directly insulted me. I couldn't believe the words he used. Told him he is disrespecting me and he said he can't respect someone that's so temperamental. I was only telling him I didn't like something he did, and he turned it into a full blown quarrel. Am still trying to think if I should forgive him for the words he used on me. Though got angry and broke it off with him. Was that right?
What a thorough exercise you undertook here, Ivy! You really are getting in touch with yourself and figuring out who you are, what you're all about and what your potential blind spots are. That's huge, and creates the awareness that helps navigate the beginnings of relationships before you're in too deep and it's so much harder to see your way out. So many things come up for me as I read your comment and the process you undertook here, but what stands out the most are two things.
First of all, the fact that you're already questioning some of his actions and behavior and are second guessing yourself and your own reactions to him, is a big red flag to me that your instincts are picking up on some things that aren't sitting right for good reason. Anytime something doesn't sit right is a sign to take a closer look and see what is really going on and figure out if this is something that you want more of in your life, or less of. So if the drama he's showing makes it seem like there's some underlying issues going on with him that are causing him to act a certain way, that's something for you to look closer at. Do you want more of less of this in your own life? Remember that this is the honeymoon time; the beginning of getting to know someone is when you and he are putting your best selves forward so if this is his best behavior, are you ok if this is as good as it gets?
Secondly,the way you describe the way he treats you when things get heated raises another red flag for me. While I completely understand that when people can say all kinds of things they don't mean (and later regret) in the heat of an emotional moment when anger and fear are involved, this is definitely something for you to take into consideration. If you felt that what he said was a deal-breaker, which it sounds like you did if you broke up with him, then you really do need to take a closer look at what you are looking for from him, and whether or not this more of the same is going to work for you.
It also sounds like you may be attracting someone like this with so much drama and the ability to engage in such highs and lows of this drama with you, because you are subconsciously comfortable with this type of interaction, albeit subconsciously. The fact that you say that both your parents were hot-tempered and used unkind words when emotions were high, and this guy is doing the same this, sounds like you are very comfortable with this and are drawn to this guy in part because he created this similar dynamic.
Only you know in your heart if you are attracting another wrong guy again, but if you consider all these points, and make a list of the pros and cons of what you are getting out of this relationship, your answer should become clearer to you.
Hi Jane
thanx for taking out time
to reply. Well, 4 days into the quarrel..he messaged me that m hurting him and i said hurtful words to him which i have to apologize for. Yes i insulted him..but that was coz he had said so much and didnt want to stop..and immediately the words were out, i was sorry and ended the call. I replied him that if he dnt like being insulted he shudnt insult others in the 1st place. Told him unless he accepted he was wrong and apologize, i dont ve anytin to discuss with him.i continued ignoring him. Exactly a week into the quarrel, he called. Said since i wasnt going to call, he had to swallow his pride cos he miss me and needed us to get past this. He Accepted that he was wrong, apologized and promised never to do such again. Said he only got so upset cos i was shouting at him and it made him felt weak. We talked about the issues at length and both agreed to work on it
you are right though, in a way i love drama and sometimes i create them myself. I like it and i dont think i want to change it, just want to control it. Is that unhealthy? I really liked him and i know he has strong feelings for me too. But if this is the best it gets, m ok with alot of things about him but not this. I worked hard enough to get the self esteem i have now and dnt want a lover who will bash my personality cos he feels weak when confronted. I will give him another chance to show
he can act differently and better when we argue. Just hoping he does. Thanx once again. I appreciate
I'm so glad we connected. I've been working on myself for so long, I'm growing its hard, thank you. Can you resend the book please I think my phone ate the first one,,,lol
Thanks Cindy - I'm glad we connected too! I'm also glad to hear that you're growing - that's what's most important for all of us - and yes it is hard. I'll send the link to the book to your email address - I hope you enjoy it and find it helpful.
Hi Jane,
Can I have a copy of the book too...Thanks,