It's time to let go of the fairytale and face reality
If any of these sound familiar, it's time to re-think your situation.
We've all been there – in that relationship that your friends, family, coworkers, even that cashier at the grocery store have been wondering why you’re still in. Sure, it started out great, with all of the thrill and fireworks of new and exciting love. He chased you, won your heart, and told you everything you wanted to hear. He made you feel so beautiful, so alive, so wanted.
But gradually things started to change. There was fighting. There were hurt feelings. There were things that were said that shouldn’t be said to anyone. There were scars that couldn’t seem to heal. There may even have been infidelity. And it just kept getting worse.
Of course, there were also apologies. There were the highly dramatic make-ups that seemed like the only thing that brought you close to that initial excitement that you now wanted to get back to so badly. But you could never quite get there. So you settled for the break-up/make-up rollercoaster ride to fill the emotional void that was ever widening.
Ultimately you find yourself resigned to a constant feeling of depression, which, when coupled with a lack of communication and a lack of support, leads to a life that’s just utterly lacking in love. But you can’t let go.
What is it that compels us to stick it out in these relationships that are clearly not healthy for either us or our partner?
There are many reasons, but more often than not it’s a combination of several motivations. And the first step towards making your situation better is in understanding why it is that you’re making the choices you’re making to begin with.
See if any of these sound familiar:
1. You’re afraid you’re getting too old
You’re afraid if you leave that you’ll feel desperate to find someone else quickly, because you think you’re running out of time. You may also feel that if you can just make this work it will be much better than having to start all over again with someone new. Or, you may feel the pressure of your biological clock ticking. Although the biological clock is a very real thing, none of these reasons are a good reason to stay in a relationship that’s not working. Bad relationships don’t get better with age.
2. You’re afraid of being lonely
This one is one of the most common reasons for staying in a relationship that’s just not working. You may have very clear memories of how alone you felt on those long lonely Saturday nights when you had no plans and nobody to be with. As much as we all long for someone to share the beautiful, special moments in life with, as well as someone to be intimate with, being with the wrong person just for the sake of avoiding being alone will ultimately lead to more pain and sadness than the pain of loneliness.
If the fear of being alone is keeping you in a dead-end relationship, find some girlfriends to spend time with, or get yourself a furry four legged friend. As Greg Behrendt said in the very humorous (and very popular) He’s Just Not That Into You
3. You’re stuck in the fairytale
It started out as such a storybook romance; he was the knight in shining armor, you the damsel to be saved. Or it was such a fateful, romantic chance meeting that brought the two of you together that you just know it was destiny, and you’ll do whatever it takes to fulfill that destiny. But the reality is something more like: he was charming in the beginning, you had some great chemistry, but you’re not really compatible in your goals, values, or beliefs. It’s time to let go of the fairytale and see it for what it really is – a bad match.
4. You feel guilty about the idea of leaving him
You want to get out, and you know it’s not healthy for either of you, but you know he’ll be devastated and you don’t want to hurt him. You may also feel that if you leave him, he won’t be able to find another woman who will care for him, and he’ll fall into a depression (and maybe even become suicidal). While this is an excellent reason to try to help him, as a friend, it’s no reason to stay in a romantically connected relationship with him. If you are seriously concerned, make sure he has access to help, but don’t take on the responsibility of being his savior. Leave that to the professionals.
5. You’re feeling pressure from family or friends to settle down
You know he’s not the right guy for you, but your family likes him so much and you just don’t want to disappoint them. Or, all of your siblings and most of your friends are married already, and everyone’s questioning when you’re going to settle down, asking you “when’s the wedding?” This kind of external pressure may make you feel like you should just settle for less than you want and commit to a guy that’s really not right for you. Don’t do it.
6. It’s easy and comfortable
The relationship is not great, and certainly not what you always wanted, but it fits in your comfort zone, and you’re afraid of change. He’s not the worst partner, and who knows if you’ll find anything better - after all, as the saying goes, the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know. Trust in your heart that when you learn how to find and choose the kind of guy that’s right for you, change will be good.
7. You’re afraid that no one else will want you
You’re afraid you won’t be chosen by anyone else, so you stick with what you’ve got. This one is all too common, and is due to low self-confidence and low self-esteem. The good news is that it’s fixable, and you can have fun in the process. By trying new things, learning new skills, and finding out what makes you happy, you will build up your confidence levels and your self-esteem will automatically rise with it. It’s kind of a snowball effect, and it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your life, as it will help your career, family ties, and friendships get stronger. And then you’ll find that you’re the one doing the choosing.
If any of these sound like they could be describing you and the relationship you’re in, then it’s time to take a good, honest look at the situation and decide whether it’s honoring what you really want in a relationship. If not, then it’s time to get out.
Do yourself a big favor and honestly evaluate and understand your motivations for staying in the relationship for so long. Then take the steps necessary to learn how to avoid making these same mistakes and getting into a similar relationship in the future.
Remember that you are beautiful, you are worthy of love, and you deserve to have the love and respect that you want in a relationship.
What do you think? Any other reasons that you or someone you know has stayed far too long in a relationship? Tell us about it in the comments.
About Jane
*sigh* Really good post - i think that most of us have been guilty of a lot of these at some point. Fairy Tales and Romcoms have a lot to answer for!
Yes, these are unfortunately all too common, especially among those of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves and fall hard.
I learned so many things from this post. And after reading it, I looked back and considered where should I fit in the reasons enumerated above. My boyfriend and I are together for like almost 3 years but we never had the confidence to say "goodbye" even once. Of course we've been through a lot and I also felt the need to let go. Maybe I can relate with reason number 7... indeed, this is the most common.
And you're not alone in relating the most to number 7. The fear of no one else wanting us really does determine many of our behaviors and is usually the underlying reason that we settle for a relationship that doesn't truly honor us. The good news though, is that it is one we have control over since it's all about how we view ourselves and all that we have to offer.
I have chosen to NOT date women that have stayed in previous relationships too long because the underlying cause could still be laying dormant. Many men won't care...but those men may also have a history of being the contributor to something that will hinder your growth. Get out of the relationship and stay single for a LONG time. Healthy men look for what you've done and haven't done with your soul over a long period of time. They also look for your ability to stay out of constant relationships.
I stayed way too long in my relationship especially because of our son. I want him to have the joy of living with both parents and a father around all the time. Now I am finding out that this is really not doing me any good.
What a beautiful intention, Denise. To give your sweet, precious son the gift of living with two parents. You thought it was best, and no one can ever fault you for that. Such a tough choice when it comes down to that or living like you are, not being loved the way you so deserve. It takes such courage to recognize when someone isn't working and to try another path. And what is right for some of us, isn't for others. Be so gentle on yourself here, Denise; you've been through so much already. Embrace yourself and your sweet little boy. These decisions are never easy. Take it slow, one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Get as much support and love for you and your son as you can right now. We all stay too long sometimes, it's all a part of this journey to finally learn what it really means to love ourselves and stop accepting the crumbs we call love.
We really have far too little context here to know what is really happening. Denise, why are you not happy with your husband? What is best for your son? Does he benefit from having his father in the picture? Without further context the statement "this is not doing me any good" sounds very selfish. Please expand.
I have a quick question...why is that there are so many web-sites by women about "bad relationships" and so few by men about "bad relationships". That's one to kind of mull over for a bit. Is it maybe, just maybe, that certain women expect way too much and are too apt to complain about the actions of their partner, or is it that men are somehow intrinsically worse than women and women have more to complain about? From my own personal experience, and having known many men and many women, I have found that women are far more likely to complain about their mates than men. In fact, I rarely hear men talk much about their wives and girlfriends much at all, and when they do it's often very flattering even though I have met some of these wives and girlfriends and the truth is far different. However, I oftne hear women complaining about their mate, especially regarding what he failed to do for them.. On the balance, therefore, I would say men are far more content and this is reflected in the blogs. Any thoughts?