Why do we sometimes hold on so tightly to something that isn’t working for us? To someone that isn’t treating us the way we deserve to be treated? Isn’t loving us the way we were meant to be loved? You know the scenario – it starts off with fireworks, an amazing connection, you just can’t get enough of each other. Then suddenly, he’s not calling as much, he’s out with his buddies more than he’s out with you, or you just have some gut feeling that something has changed for him; he seems distant.
Any time a relationship I was in started taking this kind of turn for the worse – I started hanging on tighter. Yep. Break out the stranglehold. I would get scared, and instead of taking a step back and reassessing the relationship, I just held on tighter. I’d feel like I had to do something – anything - quickly to turn it around because he had so much potential; because WE had so much potential. After all, it had started off so well – it had to be worth saving, no matter what it took. So I’d decide to show him that much more just what I had to offer. I’d try sexier. Prettier. Funnier. More hip. Whatever he clearly wasn’t seeing, I was going to show him. You get the picture.
It was, of course, the worst thing I could have done in this situation. This type of behavior is not healthy, not honoring of ourselves, our own worth. And unfortunately, this type of reaction is all too common. Because when he starts pulling away from us, it brings out every abandonment issue we’ve ever had, and leaves us desperately trying to turn things around by pulling out all the stops and becoming everything we think he wants us to be. Everything, that is, except ourselves.
So why do we continue to do this to ourselves? Why do we hang in there, remaining silent on what we’re observing, while we’re pretzeling ourselves around to be whatever we think we need to be to get him, and the relationship, back the way it was? And the worst part is, in reality, it only has the opposite effect – it brings the relationship crashing down even faster than before.
The good news is that we can look at this as a gift. It’s the gift of a clear message that things aren’t quite right. It’s like getting sick – when our bodies are telling us that something’s wrong; we’re working too much, we’re too stressed, or maybe we’re not eating well. And we can then take steps to correct the imbalance. The message here is similar – you’re both on different pages, and there’s an imbalance that needs to be corrected. And whether we like it or not, what we’re seeing is who he is and where he’s at right now. And that’s the point. The present. Right now. That ideal we have in our mind, those dreams we’ve got – they’re all ours, not his. And whether he’d be the perfect guy for us if he’d just be more attentive isn’t the point. He’s showing us what he’s capable of right now. And that is the point.
So what do we do in this situation? Well, there are basically three avenues we can take.
Be direct and ask him.
If you’re feeling like he’s distancing himself and the two of you are losing the connection you once had, well, you’re most likely right. Our instincts are usually spot-on in this regard. So we know he’s not where we are, not on that same page as us right now, and he’s not quite sure how to let us know except by putting some distance between us. The reason for this is because he’s insecure too! He afraid to tell us how he’s feeling directly; he’s not a guy who’s in touch with his feelings and can say what’s going on. So go ahead and tell him how you’re feeling, and ask him why things have changed. If you take this route, be prepared and open to hear the truth. He may say that he’s having second thoughts about the relationship. He may be feeling like the relationship is moving too quickly, and he wants to slow things down a little. He may be afraid he’s losing his freedom. Maybe an ex has re-entered the picture. If the answer is any of these, just know that knowing the truth earlier is always better, and it will save you a lot of anxiety and even more heartbreak down the road.
He may also say that he feels that nothing has changed. This may be because he’s not in touch with his feelings or aware of his own changes in behavior, or it may be that he’s now being his true self and he’s just not capable of giving you more than you’re getting from him right now. If this is the case, this gives you a chance to re-evaluate the relationship while it’s still early and recognize that you may be looking for something from him that he just won’t be able to give you. It may also be that he’s not comfortable with this type of direct communication. If you’re the type of person that wants to be able to communicate freely and openly, then this is a sure sign that the relationship will be on a rocky road.
On the other hand, you may find out that the answer’s more benign, and you were worried for nothing. Maybe he’s had some stressful situations at work that have had him preoccupied. Or maybe he’s had some personal or family health issues that he hasn’t felt comfortable discussing yet. Finding out now will help to relieve your anxiety and may even wind up bringing the two of you closer than ever. Again, knowing the truth is always better than second guessing or attempting mind-reading, which we all know never works!
If you’re not ready to tackle things head-on just yet, there’s another good option.
Focus on yourself.
The second choice is to let it ride while making up the difference with your own life. Enjoy yourself, pursue your own interests, follow your own passions, expand your world. Take a break from thinking about the relationship and go to that art gallery you’ve been wanting to check out or take that dance class you’ve been thinking about. In this way you’ll be discovering your true self while at the same time giving him the space he seems to be asking for. And then take some time to reassess what you’re really getting out of this relationship. After getting a little space and distance from the relationship yourself, you may find that you’ve gained more clarity and realize that it’s not all that after all.
On the other hand, you may find that this bit of distance between you actually brings you closer together when the two of you are together. One thing that men love is a woman who has her own life. And having your own life will make you more confident about who you are and what you want out of life, which men also find very attractive.
And if all else fails, there is a third thing you can do.
Let it go.
If he’s gotten so distant that the writing’s clearly on the wall, just let him go. Even if he shows so much potential. And do it without hard feelings, since it truly is a gift. Because as hard as it is to admit it to ourselves sometimes, some relationships are just not meant to be. As hard as it can be to give up the dream of what the relationship could have been, at least in our minds, sometimes we find ourselves falling for guys that are just not the ones for us. And you deserve better than that. Better than settling for something that’s less than the real thing. Better than settling for someone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Because there really is someone out there who will treat you better than that. Someone who’s waiting for you to come along as much as you’re waiting for him.
The irony is that it’s only when we refuse to settle for anything less than we deserve that we find out we don’t have to.
About Jane
This article is exactly what I needed to read right now and I love your site! You have some really spot on advice. I was feeling badly about breaking up with a boyfriend that I wasn't sure was "the one" and was feeling that he was pulling away. I feel more confident about my decision after reading this and Ive been learning to trust my gut instinct - it will usually lead you in the right direction!
Thanks Lisa! I'm glad it helped and I'm glad you like the site. Trusting yourself and your instincts and following your heart is always important when it comes to matters of the heart. And know that if it's meant to be, he now knows what you want in a relationship and if he's able to give you that then he knows how to get in touch with you (see number 7 in this post.) Thanks for sharing
WOW, what a great piece! It's nice when a writer makes some self-admissions. All too often in blogs that I read the writer makes it appear as if they are all-knowing...versus admitting that they've done this or that. I truly enjoyed your writing and will be signing up. I definitely feel empowered by the 3 options and although I am going to go with the second one for now, as I've done the first.... I am also well-aware that option 3 is there for me as well. Thank you for being so open & honest. CC
I'm glad you enjoyed this article, Claire. It's in sharing what I've learned from my own experiences that I find I can best help others who are in the same boat that I was in back when I was still learning so many of these hard lessons about love and relationships.
Yes, the second option, focusing on yourself, keeps everything in balance and maintains a healthy kind of space for you to be your own person and to allow him to be his own person, too. Only then can you see the relationship for what it is to decide for yourself whether or not it is honoring you and your beautiful self and giving you back as much as you are putting into it. By embracing that space as time for you to really get to know yourself and find your own passionate life, outside of a relationship with someone else, you will find out if this really is the right relationship for you, because if it is, he will come closer to you. If he doesn't, then you know it's time to let go of the illusion, and you can freely move on to the relationship that is meant for you – the one with the guy who is right for you. And yes, I learned all this the hard way.
I love your article, but I have a question that I thought maybe you could help me with:) I've been seeing this guy for two months, maybe twice a week, and talking to him regularly. It's been great, he has been really open with me, we talk about everything, have the same interests, he wants me to meet his friends etc. Then suddenly he stops calling. I called him last week to see if we could get together, and he didn't answer, and hasn't returned my call. What is happening? I thought everything was going great..
(sorry if my english is bad, it's my second language:))
Your English is beautiful, Silje; I understand exactly what you are saying.
There can be so many different reasons why someone just stops calling or returning calls. And it doesn't seem to matter how long they've been calling before they stop; it's one of the most common scenarios I hear from women of all different ages, from all walks of life. The reality is that he knows how to contact you, he knows you are waiting to hear from him by your phone call last week, and he was there with you all along as you thought everything was going so great. So this is really about him, and not you. It's about where he's at at this point in his life. And no matter how amazing and how wonderful and beautiful you are (because you are!), this isn't about anything you should have done differently.
These things happen sometimes to save us from further heartbreak when they are just not meant to be in the end. Sometimes we never get the answer we're looking for but eventually, we look back and understand. I know that doesn't help ease the hurt, but comfort yourself by knowing that if it's meant to be, it will. For now, keep living your life and going about your daily routine, enjoying time with friends and doing things you enjoy that make you happy. You deserve so much more than waiting around for someone to call you, wondering what is happening.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I can't say I have been happy. I feel caught between trying to make him happy and never really succeeding. I have a 12 year old daughter and we moved into his house (his request to further our relationship) and since then, I feel like I have lost myself. He is angry when we don't do things in the house exactly to his standards, he ignores me when he feels like it and will go for days not speaking to me. He says he does things for me and my daughter no one else will ever do and I feel indebted to him for certain material things, but he does not talk to me about my hopes and dreams and seems satisfied just having me here in the house. He's a pilot and gone a lot- and yet he's the one who does not trust me. He was married twice before and both wives cheated on him. I am not a cheater, but I feel incredibly alone and not sure where to go now. I read your article and it made me cry. I don't know what to do. Maybe I won't ever find anyone better, but I am miserable....Any thoughts??
Oh Ingrid, I hear your pain. I'm wondering what you are getting out of this relationship? What being in it does for you? This isn't about him and what works for him, or what he wants to do to further your relationship; it's about you and how you feel. And my beautiful friend, it is never, ever up to you to try to make anyone else happy! If he's not happy, that's his own stuff. His issues to work on. You are not here to make someone happy. You are worth so much more than this!
You say "He is angry when we don't do things in the house exactly to his standards, he ignores me when he feels like it and will go for days not speaking to me." This is not how anyone ever deserves to be treated by someone, but especially not with someone you're supposed to be in a loving relationship with. These things he does sound cruel to me, Ingrid. And not at all about an equal relationship where both of you are on the same page and want the same things. A relationship is all about working together and resolving differences in ways that respect everyone involved.
I would surprised if there wasn't anything better out there for you, Ingrid, from what you've said here. It sounds like you are simply going along with him, instead of looking within to see what it is that you truly want in a relationship and in life in general .In fact, it sounds to me like your attraction to this particular man has more to do with you and some unresolved issues that run deep within you, than with what it appears like on the surface. When we can't see what's going on for ourselves, is almost always a sign that we need to step back and re-evaluate the situation and see why we're here, what is really going on, and what we need to do to honor and respect our beautiful selves. Sometimes we need some space to see the reality of what is, instead of what we want it to be. Those are just a few of my thoughts, but if you give yourself permission to be honest with yourself and see this relationship in light of what it really is and isn't, I think you'll have a clearer picture of it all. You deserve nothing less than being with someone where you are both equals, with equal say on every level and without having to walk on eggshells to please someone else and keep them from being angry with you or giving you the silent treatment.
Dear Jane,
I can't help but keep reading your articles. They really gave me a different perspective. Thank you! Then I want to write to you as I recently have a situation that I do not understand what have happened and wonder what are your thoughts. Hope you don't mind reading this long message. Sorry!
My unhappy four years of marriage ended six months ago. Recently I started to get back to the dating field. I felt miserable after each date as I missed my ex-husband dearly, I missed all the good and fun times we had. I got more and more nervous as I met more guys because I don't want to feel the pain again.
Then things suddently changed when I met this guy three weeks ago. I did not miss my ex after our dinners and I started to have feelings for him. We had been talking via text, phone or e-mails everyday for the first two weeks. He was super nice and super sweet. I felt he is genuine. I felt everything with him was so right and he was everything that I was longing for, until he turned cold and did not show up at my first half marathon last Sunday. He slowed down his texts and eventually stopped all communications. I sent a checking in e-mail on Monday night. On Tuesday morning he replied saying everything is ok, he is just a little under the weather and has little brain power right now. Right before this drastic change, he asked me how I feel about our age difference. I am 31 and he is 44. I told him I was first hesitant when my co-worker asked me if I would like to go on a blind date with a 41 year old (apparently there was some miscommunications between the people who set me up), but I haven't paid attention to the age difference since I met him. I told him if it is with the right person, age doesn't matter. He said but what would others think (e.g. our family). He also said his first impression of me is that I am too young. I felt silly now as I wish I am older so he will not feel creepy dating me.
He has not called or texted or e-mailed for the past week. I got really mad and deleted all his messages, e-mails, pictures and his number. I even drunk dial him, but can't remember what I said when I left him two voice mails. He texted back the next day (Friday) as he said he is sick and when he is sick, he doesn't want to deal with anything. I felt really sad as I am just "anything" to him.
Then I sent him the following e-mail: "TGIF! =) I am very sorry that I drunk dialed you. I truly really hope you will feel better and I will pray for you getting better and not be sick. I thought of making the offer to get you something when I first heard from you that you are sick. But I didn't because I felt you did not want to have any contact with me since we parted on Saturday. So I left you alone. I was disappointed and felt hurt when you didn't show up on Sunday at the half marathon. I thought you were coming. When I felt I want to give up and walk, I told myself I can't, if I keep running, I will see you. But I know before the race you were not going to come based on how we said goodbye on Saturday. I guess it is my mistake that I misunderstood. Perhaps you were never intended to come. I will not call you as I think telling you the above should settled for me. You are right, I need to sort things out. Thank you! I sincerely thank you for all you have done for me. Wish you all the best!"
Then later that day, I e-mailed him again saying "I just want to reach out as a friend because I care about you. I am not sure what happened to you besides that you are sick. Please let me know if there is anything I can do besides giving you space. I really mean it. I promise I will leave you alone unless you contact me. Please take good care of yourself."
It has been two days and I still have not heard from him. I don't want to force him to tell me what happened (is it the age difference or did I do something wrong or he lost his interest). I do believe he will show up in my life again if we are meant to be. I truly believe things happen for a reason and I am thankful that he appeared in my life as I felt I got over my ex because of him. This past week I found out my ex is happily in love with someone else and I actually feel happy for him and that my prayers work (I pray for his happiness and get what his heart desires).
My heart is missing this guy I just met three weeks ago. I check my e-mail / phone from time to time to see if he has reached out. But I am determined to focus and enjoy my life. At the same time, I will pray for his happiness.
What do you think is the reason for him turning cold? Do you think he will ever contact me again?
It's always hard to know for sure why these men who seem to have so much potential end up turning so cold like this, Eva. In my experience, I have found that trying to pinpoint a reason and over-analyzing what happened and what's going on with him, only brings you down and doesn't do anything to change things. It has to come from him. You've done all you can, you've reached out to him on several levels, and his response sounds like he's just not there, not on the same page as you for whatever reason. If it's the age difference, you've answered that - for the right person, it doesn't matter. And he knows this, too. I, too, believe that people come into our lives for a reason, even if we don't know exactly what it is at the time, so trust that this is the case with him.
It's hard when you've just come off of a marriage that didn't work out and no one seems to be able to compare to at least what you had with him, even if it was unhappy. But know that it's still fresh, and there's still so much more out there for you if this guy is going to disappear like this. How much better off you are to find this out now than down the road, when you're heart is that much more invested in him - even if it's hard to see that right now.
I don't know if he will ever contact you again, sometimes it happens, but my experience is it usually doesn't. But regardless, make this about you, Eva. You deserve someone who you don't have to chase, you don't have to question, you don't have to convince of your worth and value, and who you never have to wonder if they are into you or not. You deserve nothing less than that, my beautiful friend!
Hi Jane,
I have been dating a guy for six months and he is wonderful, though we have had two misunderstandings that lead to lapses in dating because of miscommunication. The first time he rainchecked a date that was something it took me weeks to set up;I assured him I wasn't angry,but his past relationship made him withdraw.After I extended the olive branch we resumed the wonderfull balanced relationship we had enjoyed;until I reminded him of an invitation to a black tie event he had agreed to go to....he got very defensive about going....I was disappointed I had wanted tonenjoy the day in the city
It really comes down to whether or not the two of you are on the same page here, Joan. If you both want different things and have different expectations of the relationship and what your current dating status means, then you have to decide if these misunderstandings are minor or are potential dealbreakers for you. He may be busy, or not enjoy the same types of activities or social interactions together as you do, or it may be something more. How does he respond when you talk to him about your expectations? A real relationship requires both people to want to put forth the effort to make it work, so if you're not both on the same page here, there's bound to be misunderstandings and miscommunication instead of harmony.
Six months isn't a long time to really get to know someone, but it should be enough for you to know where he's at and what he perceives your relationship to be about, so this really is about you deciding if he's worth looking past these differences, or if there's more going on that you need to either discuss with him or accept that this is the reality of what a relationship with him looks like. Ultimately, you will know, because a relationship that's meant to be always is, but only if you have two people on the same page committed to making things work regardless of your differences.
I love what u have said Jane, but I have this question tho.
I have been seeing this guy for about 7months now, we had a misunderstanding sum time in march, and we went cold on each other, but then I decided to break the silence.
I went to his and apologized whether I was wrong or not, I was just tired of the silence and waiting for him to make the first move. During the process of me apologizing and all, he did the and told me he missed me and he loved me, for a few days, things stabilizing until suddenly again he just stopped calling and checking in as he usually did.
I did the calling for a week stretch with out him returning it and his excuse was work.
Then I decided not to call any more, gave him two weeks to respond but he never did, then I went to his place to find out what's happening and he clams his going through sum tin at the moment and is trying to sort him self and he would reach out to me as soon as he can.
But yet no word from him yet. What do u think I should do, should I still be quite till reaches out like he said he would or should I call to still try to find out whats wrong.
I think his talking crap and making excuse but I don't want to make my own conclusion becoz I may just b wrong.
What should I do in this situation.
wow connie thats sounds exactly like my situation even made me think we talking about the same guy. same excuses work.. trying to sort himself miss u love u... except we hav a toddler in the middle. but like jane said if he really wants to b with u he will do whatever it takes to b with u he knows how u feel and he knows how to contact u and by sitting and waiting for his calls its only gonna make u feel worst trust me still going throw this situation. so live ur life daily go out and interact with people that give u support and love u. good luck. jane thank u so much for ur kind words few months ago ur blogs give me strength teach me to b stronger person and look at things in different perspective
You're so welcome, Anna; I'm so glad you've found something here to remind you of all that you are and all that you have to offer someone who is truly worthy of YOU!
If a misunderstanding between the two of you is enough to be a deal-breaker for him, to the point that he no longer wants anything to do with you, be glad you're finding this out now, Connie, because you deserve more than that. When two people really want to make something work and are on the same page, they communicate before just going cold like you've described.
You've done more than your share, my beautiful friend; you've reached out to him by phone and in person going to him, and have had nothing in response. It's his turn to respond if he's going to, and if he doesn't, that's his decision and is about him and not you. If after seven months, this is all you have, with nothing from him in response to you reaching out like this, then know that you've done your part. It always takes two to make something work, and if one person is doing everything, it's in that space you've given him that he can bridge that gap if he's there. But if he's not, don't take this personally, Connie. If something is meant to be, it always is. If someone wants to be with you, they will be, and there won't be a misunderstanding that can simply end it all.
You can keep trying, or you can shift your focus to you and to other areas of your life so that whether you hear from him at some point or not, it won't matter because your focus will be on you and living a full live aside from him. Sometimes, some men look for an out like this when they're not comfortable communicating directly with us. Either way, you'll know soon enough because a relationship can't be without both of you in it. The question to ask yourself is do you really want to be with someone who would treat you this way? Because this is always more about you than it is about him.
And know that when you're with the right person for you, Connie, you never have to wonder where you stand.