Love is NEVER Complicated

Love is never complicated. I often hear women asking whether or not their relationship is the real thing.  Wondering if the guy they’re with is the right one for them.  Wondering what they should do.  And in most cases, as soon as they start describing their situation, it becomes pretty clear that there’s a lot more going on in their situation than love.  If there’s one mantra to make your own, it’s one that states it clearly and simply: real love is never complicated.  Ever.

If, right now, you’re in a situation where there’s a long, drawn out, dramatic story about your relationship, then it’s complicated.  If you’re telling your friends about how he sometimes acts like he’s interested, sometimes not; he’s giving you mixed signals; he's becoming emotionally distant; you’re feel as though you should say something about some question mark in your mind, but you’re on the fence as to whether you want to be direct or not; you’re often not sure what he’s really thinking; he’s got an old  girlfriend who keeps coming in and out of the picture; he says one thing but his actions are indicating something else; he’s telling you to just give him some time to get his head together; he’s got some stranger than fiction story about how everything fits into his life (including you); he’s got an excuse or an explanation for everything that you question him about that just doesn’t seem quite right; well, you get the picture – it’s complicated.

The point is, if the situation is complicated, your description of it takes more than a couple sentences to explain, and you find yourself making excuses or justifying why the relationship is not exactly your ideal, then this is not love you’re talking about.  I know, we’ve all been in or heard about the high drama relationships of so-called love where there’s all the angst, passion, high strung emotions and everything else that makes it fell like the real thing, but the reality is that those kind of relationships, while they may be exciting at first, quickly begin to feel like anything but love.  I know.  I’ve been there too.  The bottom line is, anytime you’ve got that much going on in a relationship, it’s not love.  Because love is just not thatReal love is simple.

When you’ve only had that complicated kind of love, when that’s the only kind of relationship you’ve ever known, you won’t know the difference until you’ve experienced a different kind of love - the real kind.  So until you do, just know that anytime you’re trying to explain, to others or to yourself, why the relationship you’re in really is love, stop right there.  Because if it really is love, there would be no explaining needed.  You’ll know.  In your heart.  Love really is simple.  It follows a simple formula: he’s available + you’re available + he wants to be with you + you want to be with him + you’re both open to a relationship with each other and seeing where it takes you.  That’s it.  There are no games, no drama, no tension.  I told you it was simple.

Note that I said it was simple, I didn’t say it was easy.  If you don’t get it right away, it’s OK.  Be gentle with yourself here.  If you’re used to seeing complicated as the norm for love, it will take some time before you can see how simple it really is.  And it will take some real soul-searching to understand why you continue to find yourself in these dramatic relationships, and why you continue to hang on to them.  Talking it over with a trusted friend or family member or a good relationship counselor, or just writing out your thoughts on paper, is a great way to gain clarity, and is the first step to break us free of the cycle of these toxic relationships that masquerade as love.

So next time you’re asking yourself the question, is it love?  Use the simple/complicated litmus test and I think you’ll find it clear.  Love is never complicated.  Ever.


  1. Monica Sancio says

    Thank you for your awesome blog + posts, like this one, which I think is actually the CORE of the whole
    I´ve got this simple formula with the man I´ve been dating, but I don´t feel the chemistry yet... Jane, from your wisdom, is it possible to make a switch in your head, to get that chemistry I´ve had in my previous relationships, from a man that has basically all the qualities I´ve wanted... But for whom I don´t feel so passionate about?
    P.S. I´m used to dating much younger men... This guy is 12 years older than me, which I think is fine, but I have felt really weird when starting to get physical... I´ve even been thinking that I´ve really got to associate a good man with great chemistry... After all, it all starts in the brain... Very interesting...
    My man compass hasn´t worked before, so I´ve got to re-tune it ; )
    Thank you in advance for your answer...

    • Jane says

      It really depends on what you're getting from him, Monica. There has to be something there that attracts you, as I talked about in a previous post on fireworks, but it is about re-tuning your mind - as you say! - if you've been attracted to the all-chemistry highs of unhealthy men who trigger needs in us at such a subconscious level right away before you've had a chance to find out if he's truly worthy of you!

      There's a reason why you're dating this current man, so focus on what you are attracted to in him. What does he have that the others didn't? What does he do for you that others couldn't? What makes him unique? What about him makes you laugh when you're with him? What about him makes you feel safe and secure when you're with him? Look at the things you have in common, those things that make you truly compatible and a match and by reminding yourself of what that feels like to have those things in common - as well as those qualities he has that complement what you bring - and eventually you'll find yourself realizing what's really important to you and what your new "must haves" really are without so much being focused on that chemistry.

      Also, think of the two of you down the road together once you've gotten to know each other a lot better and compare the reality of day to day living with him versus the other men you've been with in your life and see if that helps make him more attractive to you. Remembering all the other unhealthy aspects that go along with that intensity of chemistry you've been used to really helps to put the proper perspective on what chemistry is really about, but ultimately, if all of this still leaves you longing for there to be something more in that dept. and you feel like you're convincing yourself to feel it with him more than you're actually enjoying being with him, you may have to accept that he's still not a match for you. I understand completely what you're saying here, Monica; trust yourself and your gut instincts after you've given this a chance to see where it goes; you'll know. :-)

  2. says

    Wow, you are awesome, Jane... Thank your for your carefully-written and thought-out response... I am going to re-read it, and get back to you... And to him... Last night we basically called it quits, but we both feel there is more to explore, since it is not easy to find people like each other...
    I can start focusing on what I love about him, and what I love about him physically, too...
    I love what your say, which comes out of your wisdom and expertise...
    I also want to go read the other two articles you referred to...
    Wish me luck, and thank you so much, dear + beautiful Jane!
    In gratitude & faith that I am getting to true love ; )

  3. Jackie Morrison says

    If there are so many hurdles at the onset and so many obstacles to overcome, it's not worth it. Love flows easily.

  4. Coleen says

    Please help me jane I am so confused I met this guy on pof and we swapped no,s he wanted my no ASAP I didn't mind then he txt I decided to ignore him ,then 6weeks later he txt again again I ignored him then 3 months on he msges me on watt sapp.
    So I decided to give it a go,as he was so persistent,3days of msging from him we then met he took me for coffee,we got on amazingly,laughed 4 hours later departed he kissed me chemistry was amazing ,we msges each other well he did lol 2days later we met he came to mine we had lots kissing and foreplay ,I was gagging for him then he says I'm not going to sleep with u tonight I was in shock ,,,,,,after this I started msging txting non stop he replied now and then then suddenly went quite ,I txt again again like some crazed love struck teen then we met again chatted had coffee ,,,he said we could be friends but that's it for now I said ok I have friends no thanks and said I'd delete him suddenly he grabbed me kissed me passionately,and u guessed it I started txting like a loony whats wrong with me ..? PLEASE HELP

    • Jane says

      Always go especially slow with the guy who comes on so fast, Colleen. You're worth taking the time to get to know, and clearly this guy is more turned on by the chase and the push and pull of what he can't have, then with the steady rhythm of a real relationship that takes time to grow. There's nothing wrong with you; just a programming that so many of us are conditioned with to believe that this is what love is made of. It's so not!

  5. Boo says

    hello Jane. i write u mail too. i came to see a good answer about "love is complicated why?" from and my bf wrote that it is complicated when we can't get it.
    so what should i write on my ask? please tell me a short good answer

    • Jane says

      It's only as complicated as someone wants it to be, Boo. The question to ask is why it's complicated, how to make it less complicated, and then let your answer be in your boyfriend's willingness to work out the complication. That's what's so telling!

    • Jane says

      There are many guys who relate to what I write about here, Demetrios. Many simply substitute "she" for "he" and they find exactly the answers they're looking for. Welcome!

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