The Worst Thing You Can Do When He Hasn't Called

Last month we discussed the reasons he hasn’t called.

Since then, I've gotten a lot of questions about dating protocol regarding whether we should go ahead and call him, or wait it out and see if he comes around.

It got me thinking about this topic and what’s really going on with this whole should I call him?, how long should I wait before it’s ok to call him?, etc.  Why do we put so much of our energy into trying to figure out this simple decision?  Because it has such implications.

Or does it?  Does it really matter if we call him or not call him?

Of all the things I remember from my single days, that’s probably one of the most memorable; the “do I or don’t I call him” conundrum.

You know, the one where you call your best girlfriends, or maybe even your mom, and go over the pros and cons of calling him or waiting for him to call.  And waiting and waiting and waiting.

And I started thinking about why it’s so hard for us to wait for him to call.  And why it feels so much better to just pick up the phone and call him, even if we think we probably shouldn't   And I realized that it’s because we live in such a proactive world where we’re always told we need to be doing something, always actively doing rather than passively reacting or waiting.

But that’s the confusing part. 

Because on the one hand, we’re told to be assertive (and certainly our professional lives are all about that), but on the other hand, the culture of dating is still mostly about him pursuing and us waiting to be pursued. And is also seems to be the way men and women are wired.

Well, it can all be just a tad confusing when we’re trying to figure out what to do and how to navigate these waters. Is it just old fashioned?


I mean, times have changed, right?  Women are empowered.

But then we read something else that says, no, boy chases girl. It’s how we’re wired; it’s in our DNA. At this point, we’re right back to where we started. What do we do with all that?

Here’s the simple answer. If he hasn't called and you really want to talk to him, if he’s the right guy for you and you’re the right woman for him, it won’t matter.  None of it.  You can call if you want to; he can call if he wants to.  You can wait if you want to, or don’t wait if you don’t want to.

There. That’s it. I said it was simple.

Because the very worst thing you can do if he hasn't called yet, is to not be true to yourself. Where you start playing games. And falling into some kind of scripted roles. Something someone told you that you should be or do.

Being or doing something that’s just not really what you’re all about.

When I look at the whole “call/don’t call” debate I went through in my single days with all the guys who were not the ones for me, and when I look at all the mistakes I made with the guy who turned out to be the real thing, I realize it’s true!

It doesn't matter.

So save yourself all the agony, all the second guessing, all the frenzied conferences with your girlfriends, your mom, the cashier at the grocery store, your hairdresser, the guy in the apartment down the hall – you get the point.  Just stop, relax and breathe.  It’s OK.

All those books and advice from friends about the rules and all that stuff, it doesn't matter.  If he’s the right guy and you’re being real, and you call him when you’re thinking about him, it’s OK.  And if it’s not OK with him, it’s still OK with you.

Because that’s how we find out whether or not this guy is the right guy for us.

If we’re OK with something, and he’s not, it doesn't mean there’s something wrong with us.  It just means that we’re not right for each other.  So don’t blame yourself.  Or your decision to call or wait.  And whatever you do, relax.

It’s that simple.

P.S. When you've been used to being in relationships with crazy-making guys like the ones we've been with, it’s normal to over think this whole topic.  Stuff like this mattered to them because they had lots of their own issues and weren't ready for a real relationship in the first place.  And trying to be in a relationship with that guy will just mean a lot of heartache. With a real guy who wants a relationship with you, it’s easy. And not crazy-making.

Just follow your heart and know that whether you end up calling or not, waiting for him to call or not, it’s OK. If it’s the real thing, you’ll know.  And if it’s not, you’ll know that soon enough too. And it won’t be because you went with the girlfriends that said to call, or your Mom who said to wait. It’ll be because it really wasn't the right relationship for you.


  1. Aria says

    Very very nice article! thank you for writing it. You are so right, when u said "... ... Where you start playing games. ... ... ..."
    I am an anxious person and have problems with patience and waiting, in general. But there are times, when I know that it's not about my lack of patience, but it's simply my need to call the person I kinda like. Today was one such day (I have nvr flirted with a stranger before, and last weekend was the first time I let a guy flirt with me who also took my number, pampered me all through the party , but then just didn't call).

    I have been thinking hell and around to figure out why a guy who behaved SOOOOOOOOOO perfectly with me, would not call me. And this was going on my nerves. But i didn't know if i should call or not. And as u said, everyone tells u to wait wait wait. But I am a proactive person, and if I don't call i won't be true to myself. I am not in love or have a crush ... i am just curious cause i can't "understand" why he will disappear without any call.

    I mean, I know mabye what he did was just for fun or to test to which limit he can attract a girl ... but if that was him, then this is the real me being curious and wanting to know. So I guess I will just give a casual call as a friend/acquaintance ... and whatever the outcome is, my curiousity will be satisfied and I will take my next steps without doubts in my mind :)

    • Jane says

      Aria - This is the most difficult situation for us women. The waiting and wondering. If you haven't already, it may help to read my latest post about guys who suddenly disappear.

      Just know that while there's a slim (maybe 10%) chance that he lost your number and can't figure out how to get a hold of you, or he hit his head later that night and has mild amnesia, or (gasp) he's lying in a hospital comatose, it's actually more likely that he got a call from his ex that he wants to get back together with, he met another woman the next day that he is more interested in, he realized he's just not ready to pursue a relationship, he got scared, or some other similar scenario that made him make the crazy decision to pass up his chance at a beautiful woman like you.

      No matter what happens, know that it's his loss and your gain, since he saved you the trouble of getting into a relationship with a guy that's not head-over-heels for you. You are a beautiful, smart, passionate woman and you have a lot going for you - save it for the guy that recognizes that. He's out there.

    • André says

      The fact that you were thinking so much about him when he didn't call, is the very reason why he didn't call. If he had you wouldn't be thinking about him. That is why we have to play these games. I am sorry.

        • Malissa says

          Hello Jane, I'm 18 years old & on May 23, 2014 my dad introduced me to a guy who I wasn't initially attracted to but he's in the Marines (he's 18 too graduated early) & I'm enlisted in the Navy due to leave Nov. 18, at the latest. Anyway we exchanged numbers & the next dayI had senior prom May 24, 2014 he told me to send him a picture & told me I was beautiful the following week he came to see me & I didn't really like him still he dressed nice but he was talking a lot. But I continued contact & he made me happy because he came to my graduation & my dad liked him, we kissed after our first date that night!, & the next day he showed up extremely late to my dinner & offered to take me out we ended up going to a park & making out & grew closer over the next weeks & I fell in love w/ him hard, I haven't seen him in 2 months but we talk on the phone, we haven't text or talked in almost 2 weeks & he texted me last night saying Hey, I replied Who This?.. no reply this morning.What do I say & do now?

      • felicia says

        I just really need to have my question answered..i called my husband 13 times back to back and it would ring twice and then go to voice mail so I know he was not fowarding my call but he can never give me an answer then he will look back at the phone trying to find something so he can call me a liar I'm still waiting for an answer why he wouldn't answer and when I did finally get ahold of him he is mad and just stressed out

      • Bia says

        That is the most stupid reason to not call. Honestly, when a guy is not calling I just move on and forget him. Why waste my only one precious life thinking of a person who does not even want to call me. What a lack of character and total player this guy is. I think when he dosnt call its because he has other women lined up and is just too busy.

    • felicia says

      I asked a question but no one has answered it yet if I called my husband 13 times back to back and it rings two times and goes to voice mail it dont say it was fowared it just goes to voice mail but he can't remember he can never remember anything please tell me why this would happen?

        • Nikita says

          Asking him at this point my Dear is not a solution.....Just let him sort himself out by doing that you'll be giving him a chance to think of you too...He'l call you when he is in a good space

  2. Gessa says

    But how FUN is it to be in a relationship with a crazy-making guy! Just like a roller coaster of emotions!

    • Jane says

      Gessa - While I'm sure that you meant this in a humorous tongue-in-cheek kind of way, what you say has a ring of truth to it. For many of us women, due to our own inner insecurities, our hang-ups, our baggage, or whatever it might be from our past, we are hooked on these dramatic roller coasters of emotions, and we mistake this unhealthy drama for true love. The truth is, while it might seem exciting and fun at first, with all of the stomach churning anxiety, it quickly turns into something very not fun, and in the end very harmful to our delicate, precious feminine psyches, leaving us overloaded with baggage that can infect our future relationships.

      Again, I know (I hope!) you were joking, but thank you for bringing up this very important point, because if you ever feel like you're having fun in an anxiety-laden roller coaster of emotions relationship, it's time to look within and do the work on yourself to understand why you're attracted to this kind of unhealthy relationship. A good place to start is with this post I wrote on how to stop attracting the wrong types of guys.

  3. Elyssa says

    GOLLY! After searching and searching, and endless googling for advice on the "dreaded question," this is such a breath of fresh air! Not to mention, absolutely right! No more stress about whether to call or not. If he is for me, he is for me! If not, he's not! Plain and simple. Forget all these mixed messages. He called me last week to chat, and I will certainly give him a call tomorrow--that is, if I feel like it! God bless you!

    • Jane says

      I'm glad you found the article so helpful, Elyssa. That's what it all ultimately comes down to; if he is the one for you, you'll know. And if he is, that means he's calling you. It really is that simple but we make it so much more complicated because that truth can be so hard to accept. Glad I could help! :-)

  4. Mariella says

    Thank you for this. It made me feel so much better to see the big picture. If he calls, I'll know he's worth it. If not, I'll move on and continue being awesome.

  5. Sandie says

    Integrity and basic polite behavior. If you say you are going to call then do what you say. Period. If I had an appointment that I booked (agreed to) and I couldn't make it, I would certainly do the polite thing and call in a respectful amount of time before the said date/appointment (or at least email or text) and call it off. It's just polite. Lie if you have to, makes no difference to me actually, nor would I likely even know the difference, I just don't like to be held somewhat hostage by the 'planned' call or coffee date that never materializes. It's basic, respectful behavior. This is why, for me, guys that don't DO what they SAY they are going to do lack basic respect and integrity.....and therefore are not for me! Epic fail boys...

  6. Christina J says

    Ok, I've met this guy online and after many emails that same night he gave me his number to call him. I waited about an hour to call and he messaged me back to ask me why haven't I callled him yet and I finally did. So we chatted to 3 hours and ended the call because I had to go to work and after I said goodnight and ended the called a few minutes later he txted saying he would like to keep talking to me and whatnot and maybe meet in the future if i like to as well.And i said ok that is fine with a smiley face. I can tell that he is extremely shy but I didn't say anything about it. And the next day I txted him once he replied but since I was at work it took me a while to reply back. Ive waited a day and I didn't call him till the day after and he thought it was his fault for not calling me because he was real busy and wasn't able to call me, and apologized and all that. Which I thought was so cute of him. And we chatted for like hours again till in between umms and stammering(also soo cute) finally asked me if I wanted to meet him but he was scared to asked because he didn't want me think he was a creeper.. (He added me on facebook and everything)and i told him sure we can meet,. And he asked me what time is good for me and I told him on the weekends either Friday or Saturday and he said that its fine either day and that I just have to call him to let him know when. And that was since tuesday that we talked about this. And haven't heard from him two days later. And now I am wondering since today is Friday should I call him or should I wait till Saturday or should I follow the no call him rule. Because I had called after tuesday once just to say hi but he didn't answe and me when I call a guy I only call once. He'ss see my missed call, I don't want to seem psycho or anything. But now I'm wondering since he said to call him to let him know when Friday or Saturday I can go out with him, should I call. I am soo confused. I am new to this dating thing since my last relationship from my ex of 3 years and it has been real hard to just meet the right guy this past months. And I really like this guy. Help!!!!

    • Jane says

      Coming back to the dating thing and trying to figure out the rules is never easy, Christina; it sounds like you've found a guy who finds it easier to passively allow someone else to pursue him than taking the initiative himself, which sets you up to be in an awkward position of pursuer. If you are comfortable with this, then it sounds like this is what he wants, as he keeps asking you to call him and do all the work. But if this isn't working for you, then let it go. You don't really know him yet, and it takes time to get to know someone, so if he is interested, and you are interested in him, it will happen without you worrying about whether or not to call him.

      He knows how to reach you as well; you don't need to be the only one responsible for getting together with him. At this stage, and with you having set up a pattern of calling him, I don't think it will matter if you call him or not. You'll know soon enough either way. In the meantime, remember that dating is to get to know someone, and there really are no rules other the rules you make. If you're keeping the focus on you, living your own life, following your passions and remembering all that you are and all that you have to offer someone, with a little practice, you'll find it's not so much about finding the right guy for you, as much as it is about finding out just how right you are all by yourself. :-)

    • Jennifer says

      That's happened to me before too, you meet a guy online, then you exchange phone numbers. Next, you text him , he chat's with you for about a week or less, then asks when you would be free to meet, you give him a date, and then he goes silent, why?

      • Jane says

        Because he doesn't know what he wants, he's keeping his options open, he's confused, or he's not that interested in you. But the good news is that it doesn't matter because you only want to be with someone who is interested in getting to know you better, someone who actually wants to be with you!

  7. Maggie says

    I've known my crush for a year. He's great: funny, charming, sweet. But when I met him, he was going through a divorce so being his friend was the only option that worked at the time. Over the past month or so, we've become even closer as friends. His divorce became finalized, so that helped me feel a bit better about my crush. About a month ago, he asked if I'd like to grab a beer with him. Well, the beer turned in to over eight hours of conversation and ending with kissing. I was so excited--I thought he finally felt the same way I did! Well, since then I've tried to contact him three times and I've never received any type of return message. I don't know what I'm more upset about--the fact that he doesn't see me as a girl he wants to date or the fact that I seem to have lost a friend who meant a lot to me. I'm wondering if it's pointless to continue trying to contact him. I know the rule says 'wait for him to come to you' but I miss my friend. I don't know what to do.

    • Jane says

      Of course you miss him, Maggie - you've lost both hope and a special friend. That's doubly painful. Since you've already tried contacting him three times with no response, it sounds like the answer is pretty clear that he's just not able to give you anything right now. I know that hurts, but please know that this is all about him and not you. It doesn't change anything about how wonderful a woman you are and how much you have to offer someone who's ready and open to a real relationship with you. You could keep trying to contact him if you need to for your own peace of mind, but I think it will have the opposite effect.

      He knows how to contact you if he wants to, but right now, a little time and space away from focusing on him and what's going on with him will help put this in some perspective. Put the focus back on you and giving yourself what you need and deserve in love. There are so many possible reasons why he's not responding that have nothing to do with you, Maggie. Really they don't. Comfort yourself by knowing that if he is the one for you down the road, it will happen. But right now, accept his silence and let it be as much as you can. This will get easier, I promise you. :-)

  8. Marie says

    I met thits guy, went up to him even though I was so nervous. He talked to me for a minute gave me his # n told me to make sure I call him. Well I texted him we texted for 2 days nothing too in depth and I asked him to call me. He said he would in 20mins and well I never heard from in 2 days. I feel like I shouldn't initiate contact because he said he would call me and at a certain time. But another part of me feel like I'm too old to play these games and I wanna text him just to say hi. Idk I feel like I showed him I was into. I went up to him, I got his # I texted him first and I asked him to call me. I couldn't let him now I was into him anymore than that. What do I do ?

    • Jane says

      You're very right, Marie - you couldn't have let him know you were any more into him than you did. For whatever reason, his behavior is showing you that he's just not on the same page as you right now. He knows how to get ahold of you, so I would leave it alone for now. It's always so much better to find out early on whether someone is on the same page as you are, so consider yourself fortunate to know this now! There is someone else out there who will be thrilled to have your phone number and call you!

  9. sandie says

    I might give it two weeks, or three. I tend to lose interest with time, so if in three weeks he's stil on my mind, i'll be detached enough to give him a call- just for fun. However, I will bare in mind that he's absolutely not "the one" as he failed to initiate contact first.

    • Jane says

      That's a really healthy approach to take, Sandie. And how absolutely true that he is not going to be "the one" if he wasn't making that initial contact first! You've got it! :-)

    • SVM102 says

      Sandie I hear you, but if by that time you're feeling DETACHED, then why call him at all? He won't see it as you being detached. He's going to see it as.....he's still on your mind after all this time. I would rather you not contact him at all. Men are very peculiar and I believe he still has your contact information and one of these days out of the could be a month or two months down the road, you might hear from him. And if you never hear from him again, well, that's fine too. It will only show you that he wasn't really feeling you in the first place. Good luck Sandie.

  10. Sandy Fazzina says

    Hi Jane! My situation is a little different,
    we dated off and on for over a year. He moved
    in a couple times and I told him to leave. I was
    Also pregnant and lost the baby. That is when the in and out
    Started after we lost the baby. It's been a few months
    Now since he called it quits. But we are still in contact. His
    Friends and family does not want him to come back with
    me. I know he loves me but he says he does not know
    Whether to believe that am really sorry. If he doesn't want to
    be with me why does he still call, text me and sometimes
    Comes to see me? I really do love him and am truly sorry for
    Telling him to leave. What should I do?

    • Jane says

      I'm so sorry about your loss, Sandy. It sounds like you both have some conflicting feelings here about your relationship. Obviously, there was a reason you asked him to leave, and now you are regretting this, but it sound like he's on the fence as well. Without knowing the specifics of the relationship, it's hard to know what is really going on for both of you.

      Before making any decision, I would begin by asking yourself what you are looking for from him and from this relationship. Whenever there is a push and pull type of characteristic to a relationship, that's a big red flag that this is not a healthy relationship for either person. Sometimes real love can be confused with something else, and anytime a relationship is more complicated than it is loving, these are signs that we need to take a closer look at whether this relationship is truly honoring us.

      If you truly miss him and believe the two of you have a chance at a healthy, strong relationship in the future, be honest with him and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. Give him a chance to respond to what you are saying and from there you will at least know where things stand. It sounds like you have enough history with him to be able to have that kind of open communication with him, but if you don't, or if he isn't able or willing to have that kind of honest interaction with you, at least you will have a clearer picture of what you really do have with him.

    • SVM102 says

      It seems to me there has always been problems in the relationship, because you said you have been off and on in the relationship for a year. It's obvious to me that he's always doing something that displeases you, unless you're just one of those difficult sort of women and hard to get along with. But if you're TRULY a good person, a caring person and you notice that he puts your feeling and needs to the back burner, then don't consider being with this dude any more. His family doesn't like you and he seems to be unsure of his feelings towards you, so why bother? You don't have anything binding the two of you a child or anything, so let it ride and move on and consider yourself lucky to be free of the headache. You say you still love him, but in this case I think it's best to love him from afar because he knows how much he means to you because you remind him of it every time the two of you talk and he LOVES knowing that you want him back, but yet still he's not putting forth any effort to be with you. The writing is on the wall. Take heed to it. Good Luck Sandy Fazzina.

  11. Sandy Fazzina says

    Thanks so much Jane for your advice. I
    guess only time will now tell what the
    future between us holds, We are both only
    26, I guess this was a reality check in our
    grown up worlds. And sometimes in life, things
    happen for a reason, although at the time we
    may not know what the reason was.

    Thanks again Jane, we love you in Springfield!

  12. Jess says

    I am confused. I have been seeing this guy two and a half weeks. He has texted me (we text because both of us hates talking on the phone plus our cell phone plans have limited talk minutes but unlimited messaging) at least once a day and we see each other a few times a week. We have both said we aren't seeing anyone else (though we haven't discussed the possibility of a relationship yet) and he has said he really likes me. Though he didn't text me this evening as he usually does during his dinner break at work, enough though I saw he had commented on some photo on facebook. So I knew he was on his phone. After about an hour I texted him saying I missed his nightly text (he works late). He responded an hour after that saying he had been really busy at work, was tired and had a lot on his mind. I said I was sorry that he was busy, didn't mean to bother him and I had just noticed he was on facebook earlier (to let him know I'm not stupid if he really was ignoring me). If he has time to go on facebook he has time to text me I think. I can't help but feel blown off. Should I take this as an insult? He has been so good up till now.

    • Jane says

      I would give him a little space to see how he responds now, Jess. You've been direct with him; you've been clear with him about what you expect from him, and how you want to be treated. He knows you're not afraid to speak (or text) your mind. Now it's up to him to fill in that gap with where he's at, and you will know from his response (or lack of one), whether he's on the same page as you. Either way, you'll know more. It takes time to get to know someone, and it's hard to know how you really feel until you take that time. It's early; you'll know whether this is a relationship you want to pursue soon enough.

  13. Julie says

    Quick question - I've been seeing this guy who's been going through a lot (change in job, works long hours, might move, grandfather dying). About a week ago, he texted me saying he was feeling down/upset, and asked if i could maybe come over. I responded, "I really want to be there for you, but it's too late at night/last minute.. but I would like to see you tomorrow". He was understanding, but then the next day, his grandpa ended up dying, before he could even say his goodbye, and he had to fly down to see him/help with funeral, etc. I texted to say "I was sorry I didn't get to see him/cheer him up, and hoped that he was okay". He never responded. Its been almost 10 days, and I haven't heard from him. I'm worried I did the wrong thing, as he was close with his grandpa and he also lost his mom when he was younger. I don't want to pursue/chase him, but I'm not sure if I should text him to see if he's okay/so that he knows that I care and am there for him... OR just go about my business and wait around in hopes he'll eventually contact me?

    I greatly appreciate all your help; you're truly so sweet to be providing such helpful advice. Thank you so much, you are a God-send :).

    • Damien says


      As I was reading everything you wrote, what came to my mind is that you said and did EVERYTHING perfectly!...So, no. You did NOT do the wrong thing...very much the opposite. The loss of a very influential person in ones life can be shattering for days, weeks, and even months! This one will take some time. I would just maybe text him once every 7 days for a few weeks that you are thinking about him and praying for him Each time you text though, change it up a little bit...after two weeks and no response, start spreading the text from 7 days to 14 days...and so on. Even if you were married, your husband would act withdrawn so this is normal. "As we are all getting older, we are starting to lose our own parents and/or adult relatives. Always try to remember they leave us with a legacy of something we should continue...and if there are broken pieces handed to them...and put back together so the legacy we leave is complete." ~ Damien

      Go ahead a steal that quote from me...maybe find a way to put that in a text to him but WAIT much longer. Some people don't want to hear what sounds like 'advice' when they are going through this. They just want to know you're strong and will be there when they get past maybe wait a whole month if you haven't heard from him to send my quote...or, memorize it and use it when you DO get a hold of him and you SENSE he would be ready to hear my quote.

    • Jane says

      We all have different ways of relating to illness and death, Julie, and there's no way to know how your guy has been affected by the death of his grandfather. What is clear, is that you responded with a very reasonable and healthy response to his request for you to come over late at night with little notice. You acknowledged his request, you let him know that it was too late at night on such short last minute notice, and you still let him know you cared by affirming your desire to be there for him, but at a reasonable time - the next day. If every one of us could respond like that to a guy we're seeing and interested in - acknowledging him but being true to ourselves first and foremost, how much healthier all our relationships would be! So please don't be so hard on yourself thinking you did the wrong thing. Remember that it is your essence a man falls in love with, not based on any one thing you do or don't do.

      If you do feel like reaching out to him again, then I don't see anything wrong with contacting him just to check in and let him know you do care. He may not have been in an emotional or physical space to respond when you texted him 10 days ago. While he certainly knows how to contact you, under the circumstances, at the very least he'll know someone cares about him as he's going through this, and you'll feel better reminding him that you are there for him if he wants to reach out. Then let it go. Let whatever comes back to you in terms of a response of a lack of one, release you to go about your business as you say, but without the waiting around for him to contact you. Know that if he is interested in pursuing something further with you right now, he will contact you. If he is someone who could be the one for you, you will know. But if he isn't, and you don't get that response from him that you're hoping for, know that none of this is about you. People come in and out of our lives for a reason, and if you can simply accept this simple truth and keep the focus on you and your life, you will eventually find someone who is as interested in being with you as you are with them, whether it is this guy or not. You deserve nothing less than this! :-)

  14. Sarah says

    So this guy and I that I met on POF have been chatting for a few weeks now. We began with Emails and then exchanged numbers. Things seemed to progress nicely, we texted numerous times per day (haven't talked on the phone yet cause I'm just not a big phone talker as I'm a single mom and it's really hard to have a phone conversation with a child yammering in the background).
    Now yes we text, but I have to admit it does take him a bit to reply. He works during the week and sometimes it will be several hours before he will reply to a text message. I just shrug it off as he's busy at work, because I get busy too.
    A week after texting we set up our first date. Things seemed to go well; we talked, laughed and got to know each other a bit. Our date ended with a kiss. He kissed me and of course I gladly reciprocated.
    We still chatted since the date and agreed for a second one. We usually will alternate the 'good morning' text, and this time I offered him a good morning and that I hope he has a great day (around 8am). Typically he would tell me the same and we'd continue to chat through-out the day. However, for some reason he hasn't replied to me. No text, no call or Email.
    I understand if you're busy, we all get there when we can't reply back; but not reply all day? Just seems a bit odd. I sent him a text about 20 mins ago (5:30) and so far no response.
    Should I just leave it alone and see if he replies? Is this a subtle hint that he's not interested? Usually I am not bothered by things like this but I wanted to get to know him more and we seemed to click.

    • Jane says

      It's always hard to know what's going on with someone in the beginning stages of a relationship, Sarah, but it sounds to me like it would be reasonable for him to contact you after you've initiated contact twice today, based on his texting history with you this far. I would give him some time to see if he responds in the next day or two, and by the point, even if he's lost his cell phone, he should have had enough time to find a way to contact you. At that point, you will know more.

      If this is a subtle hint to let you know he's not interested, it's not a very considerate or mature way to go about about, but unfortunately, it happens just like this all the time to the best of us. You will know by his response, or lack of one, what the story is; and if he doesn't respond, you can choose whether to let it go or keep trying to reach him. Remember that a man who's interested won't let anything get in the way of pursuing someone he's truly interested in; it's just sometimes really hard for us to understand this and not take this personally. Sometimes, we really just need to know. Either way, you will know very soon where he stands.

  15. bow says

    Dear Jane

    Well, this is my story and its complicated. I was out having fun with my friends and this guy approached me and asked me for my phone number. Even though he wasn't my type I gave him my number anyways and he texted me the next day then he invited me out! We went to see a movie and had a great night and we had seen each other a couple times a week...then he tells me he just got out of a relationship and didn't want to miss the chance with me. I told him that its not right that he did that to me because it would never work the way he wanted too because he was not over his girlfriend. He is really nice and may be the one, but I get the feeling that we meet at the wrong time. I really don't know what to do because he's everything that I've been looking for. I was upset with the situation because I can't it think that I'm gonna let this man go! After some time, I told him it was best we be friends and he agreed, feels that he thinks that i was his one too. This was a horrible situation, but I've had some time to get over the fact that even if we both felt that way that it may not be our time or we're just meant to be friends in the end.....I can't explain y this always happens to me!

    • Jane says

      He's not everything you're looking for if he's not available in every sense of the word. In fact, sometimes, someone becomes even more attractive to us simply because he isn't available, a sign that you need to take a closer look at yourself and why you would find someone attractive who isn't that into you. If this does seem to be a pattern, check out a post I wrote about why you keep attracting the wrong guys, and see if this sheds some light on what is really going on.

      And be confident, Bow, that if the two of you are meant to be together, you will be. There will be another time and place where you will both be ready and available and on the same page to make it work. But it takes two, and right now, he's obviously not there. Be proud of yourself for standing up to him and calling it like it is! You deserve nothing less than someone who is emotionally and physically available and interested in pursuing a relationship with you.

      • bow says

        The strangest thing happened to me after you gave me some advice...Well this man that I called my friend invited me to dinner to tell me about how he was going to get back with his girlfriend and he started to ask me questions on how he can get back with her...The strange thing was I felt like walking out on him, but I didn't...Instead I gave him advise and wished him luck...And that was it...Boy did i really take a load of my shoulders...I have never been in a healthy relationship, with that being said; I read your article about why so many women attract men who are unavailable and just the same old type of men...So, I'm gonna take the time to love myself and live life like I've always wanted too...And enjoy my single life while I can...And when the time comes he'll walk right in...So, I feel someday he will come into my life when I'm ready and truly know what I want...

        Thank you...

        • Jane says

          It sounds like you found some strength within yourself that you didn't even realize was there, Bow. And found out how truly letting go of something that isn't meant to be, instead of fighting it like we so often do, leads to a better end. Be so proud of yourself. You're on the right track; this is your time - live it to its fullest. He truly will come into your life when you're ready for him and clear on who you are and who he is. You've got it! :-)

  16. Mary says

    Dear Jane.

    I've known this guy for over two years now. We live in different countries so I don't see him, but we talk about everything, marriage, kids, how we'd raise them etc.

    He gets all my attention, even though I don't know where I stand; I have asked him what the deal is but he'll say something along the lines of you have to be friends before becoming a girlfriend, wife etc. and that your wife or husband should be your best friend. I would just like to know where I really stand but he'll never give me a straight answer.

    I'm a great believer in love, I have deep feelings for him but he isn't open with his. My biggest fear is that I'll go out one weekend and meet someone new.

    I'm in my late twenties, attractive, running my own business. He is in his late thirties and very successful, both career and money wise.

    I'll admit, I do tend to focus on little things during our conversations. But that is our only method of communication, he says I pick on things too much. I feel like I do the majority of the calling, and now its been 4 days and I haven't heard from him. Once I stopped talking to him for a few months and he asked me why I stopped calling. I could have asked him the same thing but I didn't. Do you think he is expecting me to call him?

    I feel like giving up on him, would that be too harsh? HELP!

    • Mary says

      I feel like giving up on him because its been two years and no progress. My mum is getting worried that I'll never meet anyone : ( He consumes most of my thoughts, I feel stuck.

    • Jane says

      He is being very evasive with you. He doesn't directly answer your question of where things stand, and that is a huge red flag. Even bigger is the fact that you feel like you need to ask him in the first place. Because if this "relationship" was flowing along like a real relationship, you wouldn't need to ask. You would just know. You would have that kind of openness with each other that you both were comfortable communicating on that kind of intimate level that comes from being open to each other in the first place. And although it sounds like you very much are; it doesn't sound like he is. Not being open with his feelings when you are open with yours is another red flag. Either you're opening up too soon and scaring him away - in which case, he is probably not on the same page as you, or he just isn't ready to be open to you - another indicator that he's not there where you are in terms of commitment and where this relationship is going.

      Only you know how long you are ok with waiting around for someone where there has been no progress. Personally, two years seems like a very long time to wait for someone to come around. Of course it is hard to not have him consume your thoughts when you aren't getting much more from him than so many reasons to analyze his behavior! I don't think giving up on him would be at all too harsh; in fact, it sounds like he is surprised you are giving him as much attention as you are. But ultimately, only you know what you are willing and not willing to wait for. If you haven't already read it, a post I wrote on why you keep attracting the wrong guys, may give you some additional perspective on why you find someone so appealing who gives you so little in return for your deep, loving, beautiful feelings. You sound like such a loving, giving person, Mary, just make sure the person who you give that love to gives you as much love of himself in return. You deserve nothing less than this!

  17. Carla says

    Dear Jane
    I need advice. This is a romantic story I think. I met this man a year ago and there was a connection when we met but nothing came of it. He owns horses and was doing hay rides seasonly at a place i visit in the fall. The first time there I noticed him him watching me walk away as i turned back to get another look. The next time I went there he made it clear to me that he remebered me from 2 weeks ago and how he saw me over by the pumpkins which was the path I took when he was watching me walk away. ( This made my heart stop and I never forgot how detailed he was on that first time seeing me.. He also asked me as I was leaving if I would be coming back the next day because his other horses would be there. Well, I did not go back up there. This Sept, there he was again and the first thing he said to me was, I remember you from last year. We spoke briefly. When the hayride was over I said to him as I was leaving, see you Columbus Day weekend and he asked, will you be here next weekend and I said I do not think so. I went back Columbus Day weekend and not much happened he walked up to me and said hi our eyes met, I froze and kept walking. I got on the hayride with my daughter and when it was over, I was waiting for people to leave, I looked up at him he was looking down at me and we smiled looking right into eachothers eyes.and I left. We have great eye contact. I could not forget his eyes or him. I did not want to wait another year to talk to him. I could not speak to him when I was there I was nervous and there were to many people around. I was going crazy on what to do. well I did a crazy wild thing. I wrote him a note, went up there before he would get there to work and hung it on a tree where he hangs his hay ride sign. The note said, It would be nice to talk to you some time. I put my name and number on it.. He called the next day a Sunday left a message letting me know he t the note and that he would be there that day and next weekend and said talk to you then . i was not sure why he did not leave his number. I never contacted him even though his number was on my phone. The next weekend came I had no plans on going up there to see him beause he did not leave his number for me. Well Sat night came and he left a message that tomorrow 9Sunday was his last day up there for this year and if I could stop up and he hoped to see me there. I melted and went to see him. We talked and i had to leave for a function he said keep in touch. Well, i was stunned wondering what the heck that ment I told him the same thing and left. There were some people around. Although, I was certain that comment ment I am not interested. Well he called me that following Sat and left me a message saying if I wanted to get together sometime to give him a call and he said thank you I called him back the next day on Sunday, though I was sick, so we did not talk long and he said when you are feeling better call ne we can get together or just call me. WelI, I felt he should have called to see how I was feeling but did not. I decided on Friday 5 days later to call him. I was a nervous wreck and we talked. He told me he was thinking of me earlier I said you should have called. He said I was going to tomorrow. I asked him about getting together on Sunday but he could not his dad was going in for heart surgery on Monday. He did say I would like to see you. I did not hear from him again till Wed so another 5 days went by and I made my mind up not to do the calling from the beginning. We talked a little I told him I thought of calling him and he said you could have. I told him I did not want to bother him because he had alot going on but I was thinking of him and hoped everything went o,k with his dad. He did not say anything. I was surprised he did not say thank you or that is nice. He talked about his dad and i did most of the talking after that. Then out of the blue, he said well I am going to let you go now. I said oh o,k well have a good night and I have not heard from him since. I do not understand. . It is driving me crazy. My girfriend thinks I an trying to hard to not be the aggressor that maybe he thinks I am not interested. She thinks that it works both ways that if I do not call or talk about getting together at all that it could be giving him that impression. The thing is I really like him i am just nervous. i am 45 he is 49 we have busy lives and we live an hour from each other. He does not seem to be an aggrssive type either. I really want to call him but i am now more nervous because he has not called. i am really confused!! i have turned into a cranky edgy person. i am just not sure what to do. Thank you.

    • Jane says

      Sometimes, Carla, the hardest thing to do is to listen to ourselves and our gut instincts and discover we have the very answers we are looking for right there within. There's a reason you hesitated to call him when you were thinking about him. There's a reason you're feeling more nervous now because he hasn't called. This isn't really about you at all; it's about him. He's not there. He's not on the same page as you are. He might have wanted to be. He might have thought he was ready for a relationship or whatever else with you; but by his actions and the way your interactions have gone, he clearly isn't up for it. If he was, you would clearly know. He would be contacting you, pursuing you, not waiting for you to call him or waiting more than a few days between calls.

      A man who is ready for a relationship and interested in pursuing something with you does exactly that, even if he's on the shy side. Know that you did everything you could. You clearly let him know you were interested. This really wasn't about you.

      As hard as it is to accept how something with so much potential could end up like this, comfort yourself by knowing that if the two of you are right for each other, you will be together in the end. But for now, let it go. Let him go. I know it's not that easy to do, but know that you deserve someone who doesn't keep you guessing, doesn't leave you confused and wondering what's going on and unsure of whether it's ok to call him or not. That's not the stuff of real love and real mutual reciprocal relationships. And that, Carla, is what you do deserve. And what you will find waiting for you one day when you refuse to waste your time with someone who just isn't there, no matter how much it seems like it could be.

      • Carla says

        Hi Jane
        I do deserve better. The only thing issince leaving the note, I do not call him, I do not press anything with him as far as seeing him so I do not know what he would be running away from. I am trying to just be his friend at this point and get to know him. There is no pressure from me at all. I do not persue him. This makes it even more confusing to me.

        • Jane says

          I hear what you're saying, Carla; it is confusing when you haven't been the one pursuing him. There comes a time for many of us, when our need to understand, our need to know what is going on with a particular man overrides anything else we might be feeling. And when we are in that state, a call to him to find out more, to talk to him or at least attempt to, never hurts. If anything, it only brings to pass sooner what was already going to be, and doesn't change the reality of what is or is not. And sometimes, this is the only way we can truly get on with our lives. So reach out to him if that's what you feel you need to do. Call him, or leave him a message or whatever it is you're comfortable with. It's always more important to be true to yourself and honor you than follow any particular rule. And then, at least, you will know more.

  18. yang09 says

    Hi there Jane! Great article! My problem's kind of different. My boyfriend asked for space two days ago and now I really miss him and Im worried that he might be just waiting for me to contact him. Im having doubts to contact him or not since he asked for his space and Im afraid that he might push me further if I contact him. When would be the best time to contact him? please help me. Thanks!

    • Jane says

      Thanks, Yang; I'm glad you enjoyed this article! If your boyfriend has asked for space and your relationship has been based on honest communication and not playing games, then the most respectful thing to do is honor his request and give him space. Without knowing the specific circumstances that led to his request, or what that conversation looked like, it's hard to say when you should or should contact him. What I do know is that in a healthy relationship, two people can communicate freely and openly with each other, so it would be completely reasonable for you to ask him what his definition of space means, and specifically, for how long.

      If he would ask for space only to be playing a push and pull game where he is only waiting to see if you'll contact him anyway, you may want to reevaluate your relationship and what it is you are really missing. Sometimes, when someone moves away from us, our response can be more about our own abandonment issues that are being triggered than the relationship itself.

  19. Egurl says

    Hi Jane!
    I have been talking to this guy online for a few months and things were great! We played games together, talk about how things were and our views on life. But here's the thing, he rarely initiate a conversation with me , I even gave him my number for him to reach me!

    I am having a crush on him and I am tired of being the 1st to start a conversation, soo... I joked to him that his high ego wants to get me to message him 1st, like "HEY THIS GIRL IS TOTALLY INTO ME AND IS TALKING TO ME 1ST.", He apologise in a joking manner after that.

    Then from then on he started to message me 1st whereas I stop messaging him 1st. He tried to ask me out but I rejected him, because he dont seem to be much interested in me. I am scared of falling too deep.

    Did I do the right thing for telling him that he dont message me 1st? It was a sudden burst of anger and frustration that made me say it, I am regretting it now.

    Love your article by the way!
    I will be thankful for your help! :)

    • Jane says

      You didn't say or do anything wrong, Egurl. In fact, so often we tiptoe around saying what our hearts and souls are trying so hard to say, that for those of us who aren't used to communicating directly and saying it like it is, and calling someone on their behavior, sometimes it takes being angry or frustrated for us to finally speak up! So don't beat yourself up. Ultimately, if he's going to fall for you, it will be because of the essence of you and not because of any one thing you do or don't say or do.

      And if you're tired of being the first to initiate a conversation with him, then simply stop being the one to initiate it and see if he does. If he doesn't, it's a just a sign that he isn't on the same page as you, and not a rejection of you! A guy who is truly interested in you will be the first to let you know. But if he's not, don't take that as a rejection of you and all that you are. See it as a gift that will save you from worse heartbreak down the road, and will keep you from wasting your life and time on someone who isn't looking for the same thing you are. You never need to settle for anyone who doesn't truly get you and all that you are, and embraces that you because you're exactly what he has been looking for!

  20. Spyinsky says

    Hello to all the ladies on this forum.

    I know I am really out of place, but I think that I might just get the advice I am looking for from a woman’s perspective. So I am hoping some of you can help me in my situation. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

    So, I met this girl through a mutual friend, who set us up on the basis that we were both single and looking for a relationship. When we first started to talk, the first couple of weeks we talked everyday until the early hours of the morning. Since we both were busy with work, that slowed a bit, but we still talked everyday, exchanging messages and calling in the evening. She used to take the initiative to message me a ‘morning’ and ‘miss u’ type of messages. When we met, we were instantly attracted to each other and we hit it off. We were immediately close and affectionate straight away.

    It was like this for about 6-8 weeks, but I did notice that the messages were slowing, but I was ok with that – as I understood that we were kind of in the honeymoon period. Even still, we were talking and exchanging affectionate messages to each other. Her family instantly knew about me (even though I have not met them) and in particular her mother knew that we were dating. From my perspective, I had met a person that had the same cultural background, similar up bringing; we both have the same interests (I am a musician and she is a part time signer). I really did think that I had met somebody that I could see a potential long-term relationship with.

    We had talked on a particular Wednesday where she said she wanted to spend the following Friday or Sunday with me. So here I am thinking, I get to see her soon and things are great. The next day, we missed each other’s calls; I got a few messages asking if I was ok, as I was stuck in a meeting and could message her right away. I got back to her saying I was fine, and that I will call her. When I did, she did not answer, it was late – I waited for a call and she did not call.

    The next day I sent her a message asking if she was ok, and she said she was in hospital helping a friend.

    Suddenly, I get a message saying that she is not sure if she can do this, and that I make her feel guilty when both of us are not able to reach each other. She went on to say that things were getting too intense and that she had lots going on in her life. I was naturally stunned, as I did not see that coming, in fact it was her demonstrating the affection and telling me cute things.

    I left it for a few hours, and sent her a message saying that I didn’t know where this came from, and apologised if I ever made her feel uncomfortable. I explained that I thought things were mutual and that I wanted to clear the air. The next day, she text me saying, that I should not over think anything, as she totally understands that I have not intentionally made her feel that way. She said she was just being sensitive and that she will call me later on, or in the morning. She didn’t call for a week.

    I called her to clear the air, and I laid my cards on the table, telling her that I liked her and that I wanted to know if she was on the same page, and wanted a relationship we can build upon. I said I did not want a friendship, but don’t mind-taking things slow if it was freaking her out. She said she wanted to still work on a relationship with me and did not want a wishy washy relationship. She also said that her life is really busy and she’s struggling to juggle things.

    Since this day everything has changed, she stopped initiating any calls or texts. When I call her, she tells me she’s call me back soon, and usually texts me very late saying sorry she didn’t get a chance. She actually doesn’t call me back, so I suppose she gets away with it by sending a text.

    Here is where I am confused; when we meet (we have seen each other twice since this episode) everything seems normal. She is affectionate, telling me she wants to spend time with me etc. The very next day, she stops messaging off her own back to see how I am. I can pretty much guarantee if I don’t call or text, I probably wont get anything back from her.

    When I eventually speak to her, again she seems normal. I just don’t get it. Now, she literally has stopped completely and its been 3 days since I recall her even messaging me. I realise she wants things slow, but this is literally killing me. I am building up this anxiety that is heart wrenching. I do not hound her, for fear of losing her – I don’t confront her either, for fear of the same. Since her episode, it feels like if I say anything, she will use it against me.

    I really don’t know how to progress, as she seems to think nothing is wrong. It might not be, and it might just be me.

    Please Help?


    • Jane says

      Well, Spyinsky, this is such the reverse of what so many of the women I hear from are going through. But it certainly sounds the same. And yes, we are all human, both men and women, and many times it is much easier to end a relationship by letting it die from attrition and lack of attention than by being direct and communicating when we would like it to end.

      Of course you are feeling so anxious and scared! I feel for you being on the other side of this. It is never easy to deal with someone like this who won't talk about it with you and communicate what they're feeling. But the reality is, as hard as this will be to hear, it sounds like she is telling you quite clearly by her verbal words and especially by her behavior, that she is not interested in pursuing a relationship with you right now, and she doesn't know when she will be. Regardless of how great things started out being and how she was in the beginning, things change for a myriad of reasons and trying to figure out why and figure her out and what happened, will only drive you quite crazy, Spyinsky. I wrote about this from the woman's perspective in my post Three Things You Can Do When He's Getting Emotionally Distant, and the same logic applies to your situation.

      The best thing you can do for yourself instead, is to let her go and know that since she clearly knows how you feel, she will get in touch with you if she wants to pursue something further. You have pursued her as much as she is going to allow you to pursue her here, and now it is in your best interest to respect the boundaries she has set in place and give her the space she is obviously seeking by her lack of communication and her pulling away from you.

      This is no reflection on you. Like I always say to all the women on here, you really don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, Spyinsky. That is simply a recipe for a frustrating and loveless relationship that no one deserves to ever settle for! Know that there truly is someone out there for you who you will be attracted to, whose interests you will share, and whose level of commitment will also be matched by both of you. Life is just too short to settle for anything less than this. No matter how much you want someone to love you, to be on the same page, you simply cannot change anyone or make anyone want to be with you. The sooner you can accept this and move on, the easier this will be.

      Anyone else have anything to add from this side of the relationship?

      • SVM102 says

        Spyinsky, the way I see it, is like this.....She says she's interested in moving forward, but at a slower pace. I understand that, which means to me that she wants to keep you around, but perhaps she also has other options and she's "feeling her way" between you and the other/others. She's not going to be honest and tell you that she dates other men because she knows by telling you, this will probably turn you off to some degree perhaps. She loves knowing that you respect and care so much for her, which is rare for us women to encounter that from a man, so she's milking it for all it's worth. On the other hand, she might be what I call a "low maintenance woman" which means she doesn't need a lot of attention to feel validated. In that case, KOOL! In this case all you have to do is just give her the amount of attention she requires. My advice to you is that you continue to be the upstanding and loving man that you are and what I mean by that true to yourself and don't change who you are based on her actions. I think you should back off of contacting her as often as you do and when you do contact her, don't contact her again until she reaches out to you. If it takes her 3, 4 days or two weeks, whatever, don't contact her any more until she contacts you. I would also advise that maybe you open your options and start to date other people too. You might find that there really are other "good fish" in the sea. If the two of you are meant to be together, then it will happen, but for now, continue to see her when you can, but put some of that energy into dating others and please don't lead the other women on with deceit and lies, just be true with them too and let them know that you're interesting in dating with no expectations of them. If something wonderful happens.....that's good, but it not....that's ok too. It's really about enjoying one another any ways. I hope I've been some help 😉

  21. Teresa says

    Hi, really like some advice please....
    I have been talking to a lovely man online for three days. He was so sweet and complimenting and modest about himself, playing things down, but making me feel good. I thanked him each time he said nice things, we found it so easy to talk, he even seemed to like my dizzy ways, saying it was ok if I was cute with it, which he said I was. I said on the third night I have 101 questions to ask, he said we will get there with the q & a and said it was going to take a lot of emailing back and forth. I thought about this and thought I wonder if he would like us to meet but doesn't want to ask incase I said no.... He had opened up to me about his life ad day to day stuff and I did the same. So I plucked up the courage and offered to meet, if only to save my poor fingers tapping away on the keypad. His answer was... Let's do that, he said about the days he couldn't do and that we would chat more about it tomorrow and we said our good nights... However, he didn't come online the next day and hasnt now for six days, he hasn't even opened my messages as I get notifications to say he has. He was so sweet and lovely with out being over the top, incredibly inteligent and has his own business. I don't know what to think, I have found him on google but do not feel I can contact him outside of the date site, yet I can find out every contact method... I am so confused... I don't know how long to wait, he just seemed right up my street, and I know it was only for a few days but something just clicked. He was the only one I was interested in .

    • Jane says

      This type of scenario is always confusing, Teresa; it never makes sense to us when what seems like such a natural next step just doesn't happen. And you're left trying to figure out what's going on and what you should do, if anything. It sounds like you've really done all you can here; the fact that he hasn't even opened your messages, as painful as that is to accept, just shows that he's isn't there where you thought he was. Through no fault of your own. This just happens all too often to the best of us. I wrote a previous post about exactly this type of disappearing act that you may find reassuring and insightful. Because it really isn't about you; it's about him and where he's at - all things that will only drive you crazy trying to figure them out!

      So take the action that most honors and respects who you are, and try to just let this all be and move on from here. Accept that you have done all you can and the rest is up to him. Remind yourself that at least this happened at the beginning of your connection and not further down the road when you're that much more attached to him with so much more time and energy invested in someone who clearly isn't on the same page as you right now - for whatever reason.

      I know this doesn't any easier when we so want to understand what went wrong. It doesn't matter; what does matter is that you are the same beautiful woman - just as attractive and desirable to someone who is on the same page as you -with or without this particular man in your life!

  22. Kate Woods says

    Hi Jane

    It's no surprise that this post is among the most popular.

    Recently I have found myself asking this same question and I am looking for some advice.

    Basically back n October I went out for my friend's birthday. Her brother was there and at one point during the evening we suddenly started chatting and didn't stop.
    At the end of the evening we were both drunk and another friend somehow led me away and I went back to their place. I had a coffee and then got a taxi home.
    However, my friend's brother really must have made an impression as I remembered him and started thinking about our conversation the previous night.
    A month later, I organise a movie night. I do it because I know my friend will bring her brother along and sure enough he turned up.
    The moment he did we were chatting together for most of the night and he told me some stuff and I told him stuff (nothing heavy but more about how were are as people) and it was obvious we had similar traits. Anyway, by the time the film was on, I went out after ten minutes (partly because I was bored watching it) and within a minute he'd followed me out.
    A friend of mine afterwards noticed it and said he thought that my friend's brother had come out to chat me up! Anyway, we spent the rest of the movie talking together with no one else around.
    So fast forward to the end of the film and everyone surfaces to find us. We all chat together and then it's the end of the night. My friend was driving but everyone else was having drinks all evening and I was slightly drunk I guess but not falling over.
    My friends leave by my friend's brother stays behind a minute to say goodbye. I kiss him on each cheek and he then kissed me on the lips. Nothing major you understand and it wasn't awful but I was a little surprised - perhaps pleasantly surprised. Now this is where it gets a little silly.
    I said - why don't you stay? He said he had stuff to do and then I second check myself and realise I"m being ridiculous. I want to make it very clear the only reason I suggested it was because I really liked his company and that's all.
    I've never been easy with anyone in my entire life and if anything always work on the side of caution and never deviate from that path.
    Anyway, I then say to him why don't you text me and we can go on a date. Your sister has my number. The car engine is now going and he says yes and rushes off to get his lift home with his sister.
    I was really happy that evening and realised how much I liked him.
    So I casually go on Facebook (what an idiot!) and send him a simple message that says something like - Hi I'm a bit drunk but it's fairly obvious we seem to like each other. Here's my number if you're interested in going on a date.
    I think I then say something about being too old to muck around and that was that.
    Meanwhile in the car on the way home, he is singing my praises. He said he really, really liked me (and yes he used the word really twice) and that he thought I was lovely etc. etc.
    The friends in the car jibbed him slightly and asked if he was going to see me again. He responds with "none of your business" or something like that.
    He talks about me so much that one friend text me the next day to tell me she thought he really fancied me as he was talking about me so much.
    So moving on about four weeks or just under and he hasn't text or called. We're friends on Facebook and he has been online but no response to my message at all and he hasn't de-friended me.
    He is not what I'd call shy but he's definitely not brash or over-confident either. I'd say he's a little self-conscious and quite a thinker so I'm very, very confused!
    I know I made an impression the first time we met as when I saw him again at the movie night, he was by my side virtually straight away. He was thoughtful, engaging and took a real interest in my thoughts.
    So I run my own business and from the outside probably seem a bit glamorous maybe but I'm completely the opposite. He seems more traditional in lots of ways but I he didn't seem intimidated by me, my education or anything. I just really liked him.
    So was it me that perhaps made him back track or is he even concerned that the fact I said I was a bit drunk would suggest I maybe didn't mean what I said? I used to be really low in confidence years ago and I practically talked myself out of dating some people because I was convinced they were too good for me in some way and that drink or the moment had them doing things they wouldn't normally do.
    I'm not saying he thinks this, but honestly I don't tend to get attracted to lots of people but I know we made a connection - just based on his interests, the TV he watches, the things he likes to talk about etc. It was really amazing to meet someone who I had so much in common with.
    So why hasn't he called?

    • Jane says

      Oh that question that we all want to know; why hasn't he called? The reality, Kate, is that regardless of how much you connected, how much you had in common, how much he showed a real interest in you, no matter how much he talked about you to your friends and how much it seemed like this really could be the starting of something great, something is going on with this guy that really (believe me, here) has nothing to do with you and your glamorous business, your education, your drinking that night, your self-esteem, or anything that you think you should have said or done differently. Honestly, when a guy is ready and available and looking for a relationship, all of the things that matter to you (like having so much in common, having fun together, enjoying talking about the same things) will matter to him and he will be calling you!

      But for whatever reason, and there are a myriad of them, he's just not there right now. He's not on that page, he's not where you're at, and nothing you can say or do can make him be even if you tried. I know jut how hard this can be to understand, and accept, but the reality if, he has every reason to call if he wants to. You've clearly let him know that you're interested; the rest is up to him.

      So you have a couple of options; you can try to find out more from him, you can try being direct with him if you really do need to know why from him in order for you to move on, knowing that it ultimately won't change anything except confirm what you already know to be true. Or you can move on on your own, letting go of any expectation of him calling you for now, knowing that if anything changes for him, he knows how to get ahold of you and he will call you if he decides he's ready for you.

      Always remember that whether or not he calls doesn't change one thing about how attractive and desirable you are! And whatever you decide, know that you deserve nothing less than someone who pursues you and shows you clearly that he wants to be with you in the same way that you want to be with you. If it's meant to be, it will ultimately be if two people are truly meant to be together.

      • Gab says

        I think it's because you kept initiating with him and asked him out. It takes away the interest. . Men love the chase. It's that simple.

  23. Becca says

    Hi Jane,

    Fantastic article and it has been really helpful to me in calming myself down with my own situation!

    More than two months ago I broke up with my ex because he moved away to his home country. It was a short relationship, casual, and a given that we'd break up when he left. I had always had a 'thing' for a friend of his and when we were out, always found myself naturally gravitating towards him. We'd have some great conversations and seemed to get on well.

    Once my ex left, we all went out one night, got a bit drunk and I confessed my feelings to this guy. Told him I liked him and had for a while. He said the same to me, that he had felt that way for a while but couldnt do anything. We spent the night together, but didn't sleep together. He had some 'issues' maintaining an erection, I put it down to the booze, we went for breakfast the next morning, all was good.

    I was really smitten with him after that but he would only contact me sporadically, would set dates then cancel them...was about to give up on him when he set a date and I decided to give him one last chance. We had an amazing first date, he apologized for being so bad with contact, said he'd been feeling 'guilty' about my ex, but that he did have feelings for me. We met up three more times, three more wonderful dates, getting on so well, lots of kissing, hand holding, he told me repeatedly that he liked me and that he no longer felt guilty about my ex...but he's been pretty terrible with contact between dates.

    He rarely would text except to confirm a date (told me he's a 'terrible texter') and would occasionally facebook chat me but considering we're both almost always online, I found it weird that it would take him so long to even do that.

    I've asked him out a few times, the first time he had 'other plans' but we rescheduled, the next time he said 'yeah sure', then cancelled at the last minute and we met up the following day instead. I've been making a concerted effort to NOT chase him as I know if a guy wants to be with you, he'll make the effort, but his behaviour just seems to be SO lukewarm in comparison to any other guy I've been with.

    It's been making me a little insecure as I've been far more forward than I usually am (I've never told a guy I like him in the past but with this guy I've told him repeatedly) and I hate the feeling that if I didn't contact him, I simply wouldn't hear from him. Doesn't exactly make me feel desirable.

    It might be worth mentioning that we ended up in bed together a few more times after the first time and the same problem occurred - he simply couldn't get or maintain an erection. I don't know if it's performance anxiety or ED or that he simply isn't attracted to me (I really dont want it to be that... :( He has complimented me about my appearance though and I would be considered attractive, but obviously this isn't helping with the confusion and insecurity on my part).

    The last time I heard from him was exactly a week ago when he replied to a message I had sent three days earlier asking to meet up. He texted to say he was hungover so he couldn't. Nothing since.

    I'm just so confused and hurt, because I thought we were on the same page. The last time we met, he told me that he told my ex's best friend that he was seeing me, which I thought was a big step, and he's also told mutual friends.

    I don't even feel like we're dating anymore as it's so long since we met up or have any form of meaningful contact.

    What's up with this guy? Have his feelings just changed, or did he ever even like me in the first place? Could the bedroom issues be the problem?

    I'm so confused and hurt, I have such strong feelings for him :(

    Becca xx

    • Jane says

      Of course you're confused and hurt, Becca; it's so hard to go through this when you have such strong feelings for someone like this! There are so many things that could be up with this guy. His feelings might have changed, he might not be sure of what he's feeling in the first place, or certainly the bedroom issues you mention can play a role for any guy since this can be quite embarrassing for him, especially if he doesn't know why it's happening (and he probably doesn't). But whatever is going on with him, when it starts making you feel insecure, and you don't even know what you would call your relationship anymore, it sounds like it's time to take control back of this situation with the only thing you can ever control; yourself. And what you can do about all of this.

      So begin by asking yourself why you have such strong feelings for him. Why are you feeling so much for someone who is giving you so little in return, in reality? There's a post I wrote about why you keep attracting the wrong guys that you may identify somewhat with. What are you really getting out of this relationship? And then decide for yourself if this is worth hanging onto. While he may be a wonderful guy, full of so much potential, if it's all potential and not reality, then you really don't have anything at all. I know that can be so hard to hear, especially when you want it to be so different, but it can so healing to simply accept what is, grieve it, and then, when we're ready, to be open to what we find along the next part of our journey, even if it looks different from what we originally held on so tightly to.

      When you shift the focus from him to you, Becca, watch and see what happens when you start to realize what you deserve and the way you deserve to be treated and refuse to settle for anything less than that. There's always a reason why something doesn't work in spite of our very best efforts, even if it's not clear to you now. And what you will find, eventually is something that isn't complicated, doesn't require you to figure someone out, and simply feels like coming home - to someone who loves you and wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with him!

  24. Boupha (Bee) says

    Hi, just crusing the internet to get my mind off this one man, I admit so foundly in love with, he has been on my mind night and day. Funny, how at my age 37 and single now, gave up on relationship. It started with a bad relationship, one I stick out with for over 17 years, faithfully and loyal to that relationship, however never in love. So, after that for 5 years or more have not seen anyone, until this particular man slip a note under my keyboard at work and ask to call him. I was curious, who and what about. Come to found out he has been interested and watch over me for a year now and finally took that approach. At first, I have no interest of him, after I found out who I was calling. However, what made me call him was curiosity, after we talk, there was some kind of connection, I can't explain. So, our relations began in April, then the relationship progress, where we have went out 2 x, and each moment, it breaks my heart to be apart from him. However, out of no where, didn't know, till a month ago that I am head over heel in love with him, most of it is because we have so much in common, and also I feel so right when I am with him. The good thing, there was no pressure into sex, eventhough we have not had sex, now that I am so ready for him, which he doesn't know how I feel, and this happen. Last month, things had change at work been more busy than usual and he had only text me a couple times," that his life is such a mess, but I didn't get his message in trying to tell me something, still I pressure him in communicating with me. Now I am not receiving any text nor calls for 7 days now. I am lost don't know what to do. I love this man soo much and can't love another again, spite everything been going on, I have not give up on him......Just don't know what to do....... Help.......

    • Jane says

      How often we find ourselves not even interested in someone at first, only to fall head over heels for them and then to have them suddenly pull back, leaving us hanging, not sure where to go from here! Of course you feel like you love this man so much and can't imagine loving anyone else again, and yet, can you ask yourself what it is you are loving so much about someone who isn't loving you back? Who isn't giving you anything? Is it really about him or is it the potential for what you believe could be with him?

      Regardless of how you feel about him, he is clearly letting you know that he is just not there for you on the same page right now. And who knows when or if he may ever be again. But then there is you and your beautiful heart that has so much love to give to someone who truly is worth that love.

      Sometimes, another form of "giving up", called acceptance and detached living, is the best alternative in a scenario like this, Bee. Where you accept the situation and him as they are, and honor and respect yourself enough to detach yourself enough emotionally and physically from him that you're not at the same risk of getting your heartbroken if nothing changes with him. You put the focus back on you and living your own life and remembering all that you have to offer someone who is as interested in you as you are in him. And then if anything changes with this guy you have such strong feelings for right now, you can always decide what you feel at that point. Remember that the most important thing here is to remember that you truly deserve a balanced healthy relationship with someone who is as invested in you and the relationship as you are. That is what real love is about and you deserve nothing less than this!

  25. Justannoyed says

    I love this article because I think the game or games are just stupid. I am going through an issue though, I have been hanging out with this guy for about a month but it seems that I am always the one to contact him first, and he does respond favorably. The last two times I contacted him, he was busy so I decided to stop and if he wants to hang out he can take some initiative. It has been 11 days and he has not contacted me. I'm guessing he's just not interested? We were friends before and when we hang out it's a lot of fun, we're always teasing each other and just laughing up a storm. I'm unsure of what is going on here, but it's just annoying me to no end. I guess I should just give up and move on? (easier said than done). I know my pride wont let me contact him first. Some advice please

    • Jane says

      It sounds like you've already figured this out, Justa; as hard as it is to accept. Maybe he isn't ready for anything more right now, maybe he isn't sure what he wants, maybe he's busy - there's a myriad of reasons why he isn't initiating contact when you stop being the initiator. What you do know, is he knows how to get ahold of you and if he is interested in seeing you, he will definitely contact you. And yes, unfortunately (or fortunately if you can look at this from a different perspective), the best thing you can do right now for your self-esteem and self-confidence is simply to move on - at least for now- until he does contact you. Don't make it about pride, make it about you treating yourself with the respect and love that you so deserve to be treated with!

      I know that's so much easier said than done, especially when you have real feelings for someone, but just know that you really are fortunate to find this out now, before you were any more involved with him and your heart was anymore attached. Heartbreak is never easy, but know that it's always easier in the beginning before you have invested so much more of your heart and soul on someone who isn't on the same page as you. The irony is that it's exactly when we stop pursuing something that isn't meant to be that it opens up your time and energy to see someone who is on the same page as you and more importantly, isn't giving you any reason to question whether or not he is interested in you!

  26. alana says

    hey still new in college so i dont know if am taking this so serious or not , some guy asked me my phone no , and we started text each other ,i really enjoy talking 2 him , but in the college i dont have any chance to sit around him , so one day we sat beside each other and talked but his friend started to make funny stuff like see they are couple now although it was our first time , so when i confessed him , he said that they did that because i told them that i have felling for u , and didnt plan for that , but i didnt tell him that i believed that , and so he isnt sending me any msg now and he act less interested. a worried that i lost him ,

    • Jane says

      If you did lose him, Alana, over something as inconsequential as that, then honestly, you really didn't lose much. Any guy who suddenly pulls away because of anything you might have said or done in that scenario is sending you a big warning sign that he isn't someone you really want to be involved with in the first place. You will know when you are with someone who is right for you because you won't be second guessing yourself or wondering what he thinks. You will know, it won't be complicated, and you won't have to question every little thing you do or say!

  27. Selene says

    Well I have past this because Ive seeing this guy for seven months now, along with a three month gap of no contact because I was "waiting" for him to call. then he said well you can call too. He also said "you know where I live too, so whats the problem?" I havent yet surprised him by stopping by without ttelling him because in the past ive had bad outcomes. But he sounds like his inviting me or something , I was a bit confused but realized he wants me to be involved in his life. You know whats interesting because his called me in the middle of the night just to talk eventually saying he loves me. He has even asked me to stay over his place once but i had a busy day ahead of me so i couldnt. But you like said if his the one then his the one and i will happen if its suppose to happen. So I have stopped talking to other guys now and am more focused on school and seeing him when im not busy.

    I have a gut feeling that this might just work out. We spoke about moving together, well he said yes after i asked him if he would like to move in with me. He said yes! I was happy. I guess this can be a turn out.

    Anyhow I hope I havent went off topic but reading this article had me thinking allot. Much appreciated. Because I want a career and I want a good family in my future but my happiness means allot. Even if it means having to keep searching for the right man. Thank you. I have a feeling my search is coming to an end soon.

  28. Selene says

    Sorry for the grammar. I was thinking and was over excited to have found such a great article. So this was my first time posting on an article besides

    • Jane says

      I'm so glad you posted on here, Selene. Grammar and spelling never ever matters as much as the words from your beautiful heart and soul!

  29. kirsty says

    there is this guy that i really like, he has already told me he doesnt want a relationship because he has been in them for the last 7 years and just wants to be single.... we used to work together and was with each other all the time at work... after he finished he was messaging to meet for a d

    • Jane says

      This is never easy, Kirsty; but it comes down to what you are looking for and how much being with this particular guy is worth to you. He is telling you he doesn't want a relationship, so if it is a relationship you are looking for from him, then the reality is that you and he are not on the same page and you can save yourself from having your heart broken down the road by being fully aware of this difference from the beginning.

      So often we go into relationships knowing full well that a guy is not interested in having a relationship with us, but we still get our hearts involved with them because we believe they will come around once we show them how we really are everything they've been looking for. The problem is, we usually don't find out that this doesn't work until after we are already too involved to see what is going on.

      So listen to him, hear what he says, and then listen to your own voice, and what you have to say. If he is the one for you, you will know because you will both be on the same page, you will both want the same thing, and it won't feel complicated.

  30. Amanda says

    My situation is a little odd... I met this amazing guy a year and a half ago. We dated for probably 3-4 months. He knew I was recently out of a 5.5 year relationship and knew I wasn't ready. I had an amazing time with him but was terrified of commitment due to my recent heartbreak. At the 3-4 month mark, he confronted me saying that basically I needed to commit or he was done. So unfortunatley, I told him I was terrified and wasn't ready. So we stopped seeing eachother and continued to talk every now and then. Well, within a couple months he was in a relationship so our talking stopped. I started to realize the big mistake I made. I missed him terribly. A few months ago we started talking again (it seemed his relationship was rocky). Well they broke up at the beginning of October after dating for approx 6 months. We began talking more and more and met up in mid Novemeber. I once again had an amazing time and was ecstatic to be seeing him again. We saw eachother 4 times in 2 weeks. It was perfect. I briefly brought up that I regretted not pursuing a relationship and I was sorry. He said he just got out of a relationship and wasn't looking to get back into one right now. I don't know the details of what happened, but I think he got hurt because one night out, his best friend asked me to please not hurt him. Well, I see him, than don't hear from him for a week! When we are together it's perfect! He treats me so perfectly. I'm so sad because I feel I missed our opportunity. What do I do? I so badly want to text him to see him, but I let him text or call me to hang out. :-(

    • Jane says

      You've let him know of your regret, Amanda; you've apologized and let him know you are interested in pursuing a relationship now. So he now knows where you stand and the rest is up to him. Don't look back or beat yourself up for not being ready for him earlier on. If you weren't ready back then, there was a reason. If he's not ready now, there's a reason, too. As hard as it is, and I know it really is, give him some time and space to get clear for himself and figure out what it is that he's looking for. If this is meant to be, know that it will be; he just may need some time.

      But in the meantime, rather than spending your time waiting around for him, keep living your life and filling it up with everything you enjoy doing and with people you enjoy spending time with so that he isn't the main focus of your life. And most of all, remind yourself that regardless of how perfect everything seems, you still deserve nothing less than someone who is ready for you and understands that none of us is perfect and we all come to see things in our own time, and doesn't hold your past against you.

  31. SHY Ld says

    I find this article ever soul refreshing and inspiring at some level.I do have my own doubts about a person who I just met couple of months ago.she's married with 2 kids.but this doesn't stop me from liking her,admiring her.I know at first I really tried to ignore this feeling but failed because all the more I think of her and long to see her. Lately I asked for her number and surprisingly she gave it to me and we started exchanging messages. What's bothering me though is that she never mentioned about her family to me instead she just told me everything about her work and how she feels towards it. Prior to that ,we had moments when we stared long at each other and oh that feeling I dont want to end.I admit she really makes me happy and by the way im a woman. I don't know really why I have this feeling for her but yes I like her and It would be awesome if we stay as friends but I don't think this would still happen since I have not heard of her after I posted a message on Facebook and she reacted negatively on that jumping to a wrong conclusion when in fact the message wasn't meant for her anyway.We planned on coffee date prior to that event but until now I she hasnt sent me any messages. I sent her messages asking if we are still good and if we can still have our coffee date just to have a clue but unfortunately to this date,I got no saddens me. I was about to build a friendship but out of the blue it is blown away..I am really disheartened by this because I believe I didn't do her any harm. Its almost Christmas but my mind is still troubled..I don't know how to end Is so hurtful.

    • Jane says

      Sometimes, SHY, as hard as it can be to accept the reality of a situation, it is the only thing we can do to move on and find some peace. You really have done everything you can by reaching out to her and trying to let her know you are interested in pursuing a friendship with her, but at some point, the fact that she isn't responding and you haven't heard anything from her, means that it's time to let go - as much as that hurts. We can never know what is really going on with someone else if they don't tell us, but at least you can save yourself any more time and energy by focusing yourself on someone who will want to pursue a friendship with you and will respond to your messages. A relationship of any kind requires two people who are both on the same page and interested in communicating with each other and you deserve nothing less than this.

      • shy LD says

        Dear Jane,

        Thank so much for your kind words. I appreciate your response to my message,very enlightening and mood soothing...By the way, she sent me a Christmas greeting through text message but that was all..:) Im happy no less.

        • Jane says

          I'm glad you received this special gift, SHY; a small thing, yes, but sometimes a big reminder that we're ok, we've done nothing wrong, our intentions are beautiful. While our goal is to be so strong and confident in our own inner light and beauty that we don't need the external to validate us, so often it helps so much to at least be acknowledged and responded to.

  32. Ellie says

    Hey, this website is really good in trying to understand men....thanks for the tips :)...but heres my problem......So I met this guy last night and we got talking, he was really nice and said the cutest things such as your hair is lovely, we've got the same colour eyes and you're gorgeous. He wasn't that drunk although he had two drinking sessions within two days. After the first time we kissed I asked him for his number but he wouldn't give it to me, and then as the night went on and after we talked more, he gave it to me. I texted him once (the day after) in the morning, but no reply. Do you think he likes me and is just in bed trying to sleep the hangover off? What should I do? I really like him, and he seemed interested last night....Please help :/

  33. danielle says

    I think girls and women take this way too serious. So what if he does not call you back. Move on. I felt this way before also. I realized I was not going to let this get to me. He will call if he is interested. if he is not, so what ,let it go. I had a guy call me 2 months later. Life does go on. They all seem interested at first. Love is a gamble.

    • Jane says

      All so true, Danielle; and yet, so many of us do not find it that easy to not let this get to us. Because yes, he will always find a way to call if he is interested, but each time it happens to us, we want to believe our particular situation is different. The tricky part is being that strong genuinely, without allowing your heart to become hardenedin the process. It is huge that you can see this is clearly and be so strong in yourself about this - that kind of confidence takes many of us a long, long time!

  34. Chloe says

    I have known my boyfriend for 15 years and have always just been friends. When he found out I was getting a divorce he began to show interest in me & it developed into a relationship. We have been seeing each other now for 2 months. We had a disagreement about something (I had told him I wasn't able to deal with a female friend of his who is married & has a crush on him to constantly try to assert her relationship with him on me and that I wasn't going to tell him what to do or who to hang out with but that I did not like it and it was his choice whether or not he still wanted to be with me. He said he definitely wanted to be with me but we will work on our issues. He is also the type to keep everything bottled up & not talk about problems. He was also not feeling well and was extremely tired.) That was yesterday. Today rather than getting my usual good morning text, I got nothing.... All day... So finally at around 8PM I, being the anxious person I am, can't resist anymore & shot him a text saying since I've not heard from him all day I was just wondering if everything was ok, to which he replied that he has been sleeping all day & hasn't even touched his phone. I told him ok sorry to wake you and good night.... (I know I sound just like a typical woman...) I just wonder if he was really sleeping or just avoiding me... I've been "broken up with" the coward's way a time or two and it's the worst feeling. I'm the kind of person to talk everything out and like to know everything up front.

    • Jane says

      I so know where you're coming from, Chloe; it is so hard not to be able to just talk about what's going on, or if something's changed with him, and yet having these conversations is usually the last thing men are comfortable with and seldom produce the honest response we're looking for. The reality is, you will know soon enough, because he will call or text you if he really is interested in pursuing you and if your conversation wasn't a deal breaker for him. Honestly, Chloe, if the disagreement you mention was cause for him to decide your relationship isn't worth working on, I would question what you have really lost. Because there will always be things that come up that need to be sorted out - that's what a real relationship based in reality is all about. And so, if this is how he deals with things that are important enough to you to bring up with him, then you really need to decide if this works for you. That way, you can feel your own power and not be as dependent on his response. Know ultimately that if this is meant to be, if you are both on the same page and committed to a real relationship with each other, it will happen, but it does require both of you to want the same thing.

  35. Jam says

    Hi Jane,
    I really need advice, I’m confused, hope you can help me..
    I met a man online, and for three weeks it was amazing. He’s so kind, sweet, intelligent and gives a lot of compliments. He knows how to deal with life, he has a lot of things to share, great opinions as he is a professional person. We have a lot of same interests. Being on the top level career requires a lot of attention which makes him pretty busy. Plus the fact that he has 2 kids to attend with who visits him 3-4 days a week regularly. He is also currently studying master’s degree. So, I do understand he is a very busy person. He even apologizes whenever he did something wrong. Within that three weeks I have seen his effort to contact me online. He even told me that he’s falling for me in less than three weeks! I told him that it is a very sudden realization on his part, he answered ‘time is irrelevant, what matters is the connection going on between us’. He said he wanted to see me and be with me whatever it takes. I have shared my feelings as well. But after three weeks, things had changed. I have left offline messages, then after 6 days, he answered back that someone in his family died that needed to fly to origin country and won’t be online much for the following weeks. I have been patiently waiting and left him condolence, sweet, caring offline messages. He answered back two weeks later. He was thankful that I’m willing to wait, that he misses me, that wanted me to know he loves me. He even informed me the date he’ll be coming back home. He also informed me when he came home finally, and that proceeded to work afterwards as he needed to catch up for a long time of absence. He’s also hoping we’ll have the opportunity to talk soon. That was three days ago now and I have not heard from him yet.
    I’m confused of how thing are going. I do understand what he’s going through and wanted to support him. Though, sometimes I would think it like disappearing/appearing act. I know it is only been for three weeks but I wanted to trust him, I do care for him a lot. He knows my number, if he wants to text or call me he can do that anytime. For now, I’m trying to give him space for work, rest, etc. I can wait patiently but for how long?

    • Jam says

      He even mentioned that communication is the best way to handle good relationship. I hope in due time he will come to his senses that I am here waiting for him. Just don't know if I need to send message still or just wait for him to have free time to reach out to me...

    • Jane says

      Oh Jam, I think you said it best yourself here; he knows your number, if he wants to call or text you he can do that anytime. Yes, he certainly can, and he certainly will if he's interest in pursuing something more with you. You have been so patient and caring and compassionate with him as he's gone through this loss in his family. I think you've been more than understanding and patient with him. Honestly, I would try to move on and keep living your own life and try not to keep thinking about him and what's going on with him. He sounds confused, and not sure what he wants, and if you know what you want, then this isn't going to be what you're looking for from him. He may be busy and preoccupied with so much going on in his life, but you deserve someone who wants to be with you and spend time with you regardless of what he's got going on in his life! By keeping the focus on you, and keeping your options open and moving on with your life, if he does come around, then you can decide what you want to do with that. But in the meantime, it definitely sounds like he knows what's required of him to be in a relationship with you, even if it's just casually dating you to get to know you better, but he isn't really giving you anything to go on. Know that if there is to be more with the two of you, you will know, there will be, but only if the two of you are on the same page, and right now, it doesn't sound like he's there. As hard as that can be to accept. At least know that it's always so much better to find out about someone like this early on before your heart is more involved with him, you never know, you may be pleasantly surprised down the road when you're not just waiting around for him. You deserve so much more than being a lady-in-waiting!

      • Jam says

        It does hard to accept it, as I’m already involved like this to him. He knows that I’m waiting and always be there for him, but I don’t know if I’m taken for granted, until now he haven’t gotten in touched with me. For the past weeks, I would just be shocked that one day he messaged me back. You’re right, I should focus on myself, although, I have to admit that I’m still hoping he’ll come back to me again wholeheartedly. I agree, we’ll never know what we’ll hit down the road and I’m hoping for the best. Thank you for your wonderful thoughts, I truly appreciate it very much. May you be blessed more and more everyday.

  36. Ashley says

    HI! So I met this guy on a dating website and we went on the most amazing date last Wednesday. We got iced cream and then decided we wanted to do something else so we ended up going to see a movie. He was rubbing my back during the movie, it was very sweet. After it he walked me home (we live in Boston). He then asked if I was busy the next day. I told him I had plans later at night but could do something before my plans. He said ok and that he would text me when he got out of work. He kissed me and left. He then texted me about 5 minutes later joking about how far a walk home it was for him. The next day (thursday) he texted me in the morning saying that he was really busy at work and wouldn't get out until late..and that we should do something next week (he had a friend coming to stay with him for the weekend). I texted him on Saturday to say hi, he answered and we texted a few times...the last text that I sent him on sat afternoon he didn't answer until Sunday. Then I answered him (something that didn't need a reply) and haven't heard from him since. I am so upset because it is now Monday and we said we were going to go out again this week but I haven't heard from him. I want him to reach out to me so that I know he is into me. Do you guys think that he is interested or blowing me off??? I know that this site is about me reaching out if I want to, but I want to know if you think he is even interested before I do reach out. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I am so upset and could use any advice.anything you have to offer.

    • Jane says

      As hard as this may be to hear, Ashley, the reality is that if a guy is interested, he will make sure that you know he is. He will call you, he will text you or contact you in whatever way it takes to get in touch with you and let you know. So as upset and disappointed as you are, know that at least you found this out now before you get any more involved with him and especially before your heart gets any more involved. There can be a million and one reasons why he has a change of heart, why he seemed so interested and then seemingly just disappears without a word. And yet, the only thing that going over it all again in your mind and second-guessing everything will do, is make you crazy trying to make sense of it. You deserve nothing less than someone who clearly lets you know he's interested in you, who calls you, or makes contact with you in a way that doesn't leave you wondering what's going on! If that's not him, then know there will be someone else who won't leave you guessing like this.

  37. says

    Hi Jane--

    Thanks so much for your wise and compassionate article and responses! I just discovered your site tonight after googling "it's been a week since the guy I'm going out with texted!" Which pretty much sums up my story. I met said "guy" in October at a film festival. After my movie, I was standing in the lobby of the film theater peering at the big screen TVs in the window of the Lucky Strike to see how my hometown baseball team was doing in the MLB playoffs. This guy, who just got out of another film, also stopped to watch. It turned out that he just had left the film I had wanted to see (it was sold out) and that we were both from the same state (hence our mutual appreciation for this baseball team). He invited me into Lucky Strike for a drink, then asked my number.

    Since then, we've seen each other at least 8 or 9 times--at the World Series (we both, independently of each other, purchased tickets for the same WS game in my old hometown, 6 hours away--and met up afterwards), at my friend's party (he asked me to a movie the night my friend had a party--and I invited him to the party instead; he said he had a "blast"), for several dinners, for music at a club (my musician friend was performing), etc. At the end of each date, he always seemed anxious to nail down another date--if not the exact date, at least an approximation (like "maybe we can see each other again early next week?"), and I always said, "Sure."

    Between dates, there was little contact. He never called--and I, responding in kind (I guess), didn't call him. He would usually send me an email (yes, email!) at some point suggesting another date and describing a bit about his week--and I always agreed. It seemed to work out that each date was about a week apart. Except for the not calling much thing, it seemed like this guy was promising. We have a lot in common in terms of temperament (we're both introverted and shy) and interests (music, movies, baseball, pop culture, NPR, etc.) and always ended up talking for hours when we got together (but again, not between dates). I learned that he got divorced two years ago (he's 38, and I'm 43, although I look younger) and has only recently begun to feel ready to date again.

    I like the guy, although I still have doubts about our compatibility (we may be *too* much alike in terms of temperament--both too shy, inward, and passive) and while we seem to enjoy each other's company, I sense that something--I'm not sure what--might be missing between us). But still single at 43--and knowing my own tendency to be overly critical of men--and/or ambivalent about them--I really tried to give this a chance, to give him a chance, to give us a chance. I generally didn't initiate dates/contact, but I was always warm, enthusiastic, and receptive when he did (and genuinely so). One of the last times we got together--on our 8th? date--we finally slept together (sort of --oral), and he invited me to spend the night. I didn't (I didn't have my contact lens solution with me--and felt anxious because I had to work the next day). He suggested we get together again soon and suggested maybe Sunday night (this was a Thursday night). I said that might work. He texted me on Sunday afternoon, but I felt overwhelmed with things to do before the holidays (I was traveling to my hometown the following Saturday or Sunday)--and apologized but asked if we could find another time that week instead (I also let him know that I could do Sunday if that was the best time for both of us before the Christmas "break." I really tried to reinforce that I was interested in getting together, even though Sunday night wasn't really great for me). In moving the date forward, I felt like maybe I was making a big I was telling him I wasn't interested...but we didn't have definite plans for Sunday, and I didn't hear from him until Sunday--and I really did have a lot I wanted to accomplish before Monday). He told me "no worries--it's a busy time of year"--and we agreed on Thursday night--that he would accompany me to a concert where two of my musician friends were performing (he said he thought it sounded like fun). I didn't hear anything from him for a while, so I called him on Wednesday night to make the arrangements for Thursday with him. And then on Thursday, he seemed...different. Tired, maybe. Passive. Distant. I introduced him to a couple of my friends who were there, but he made almost no attempt to engage them (as he has with my friends in the past--at the party and other concert)--and barely an attempt to engage me (he wasn't rude--and we did have some nice exchanges--and there wasn't much time to talk because it was a benefit concert with multiple performers that lasted several hours--but he didn't seem completely "there," and he certainly didn't seem very happy to be there; on the other hand, I loved the concert--it was joyous).

    The concert didn't end till Midnight, at which point he drove me to my car (I was parked further away) and presented me a $75 Amazon gift card I could use for the Kindle I had mentioned I would be getting for Christmas. I felt really bad because I didn't have a gift for him. I guess I wasn't sure if--or when--we were exchanging gifts. He asked me the last time I saw him if there was anything I wanted for Christmas, and I said, "I don't know." He said, "Well, you can think about it." I then asked him if there was anything he wanted, and he said, "I don't know. So, I thought that maybe the night of the concert we'd tell each other what we wanted or something--rather than actually exchange gifts--and then maybe actually exchange them after Christmas or possibly on Fri. or Sat. night, before we both went away for the holidays. I also make far less money than he does. I know it's not an excuse, but for whatever reason, he had a gift for me, while I had no gift for him. (BTW--I paid for my own drink at the club; the waitress gave us separate bills--probably because she didn't realize we were even together!! Symbolic??).

    I asked if he wanted to come back to my apartment (I lived much closer to this club). In the past, he's never hesitated to say yes. This time he said he would like to but that he was exhausted (in his defense, he started a new job that week--out in the suburbs--it was a long commute, and he did seem really tired...or something). He said something about "Let me know when you get back from Christmas break, and we can get together then...or whatever." The "whatever" really struck me; it wasn't like him. Then he said goodbye. I was expecting a good night kiss (something that's happened since date # 3 or 4) and sort of waited a moment or two for it to happen, but it didn't. Instead, he seemed focused on getting home and having me exit his car. I was taken aback but tried to blame it on his "exhaustion." When I got home, I texted him a big thank you for the thoughtful and generous gift card--and how I couldn't wait to use it--and that I was sorry for keeping him out so late. He texted back that he was sorry he wasn't much fun tonight. "Next time!" he said. I echoed, "Next time!" with a smiley. But I wasn't feeling very optimistic.

    That was Dec. 19. I go home for the holidays and hear nothing from him. On Christmas, I sent him a "Merry Christmas, hope you're enjoying Florida" sort of text. He responded in some detail about what he was doing and asked about my Christmas (total of 4 texts exchanged). Then nothing. The day before Year's Eve (which he didn't ask me out for), I texted him to let him know I was still in my hometown so that I could watch the second season of a certain TV show (which my mom owns) that I knew he liked. He was back in town and said he was going to a concert on NYE. After that, I's up to him!!!

    I drove back to town on New Year's Day, and literally the minute I walked in the door, I received a text from him wishing me a happy belated New Year--and asking me to let him know when I got back into town. He signed it, "See you soon." I thought, "Ah, well, maybe things are back to 'normal.'" I texted him back within ten minutes to wish him a happy new year, tell him that I hoped he had fun at the concert, when I was starting back to work, and that I had literally just walked in the door after driving from my hometown! I thought he might text back (or gasp...even call!) that same evening to welcome me back or make plans, even though it was late-ish (10:30 pm; but he had just texted me--and I'd been out with him much later than that on weeknights before). But no. And since then (8 days ago)...nothing!

    Every day, I wonder if I should contact him and second guess my behavior with him, especially in light of my previous relationship patterns (was I too ambivalent? was he upset I didn't give him a gift? is this because I "slept" with him too soon? Too late? Didn't spend the night? was he secretly resentful that the concert was so long? did I keep him out too late? Did he meet someone else? Is he just busy? Did I do something wrong?) I'm so confused. The thoughtful (and generous) $75 gift card--and much of his behavior leading up to that--is telling me one thing, but his behavior at our last date and everything since is telling me another. My friend thinks the guy was more into me than I was...and is passively revolting. I don't know what to think anymore. Do I call him simply to clear the air/find out what's going on? Wait for him to contact me? Invite him to something? Wait for him to invite me? He's told and/or indicated to me before that he finds me interesting, intelligent, and beautiful. I believe I am all of these things, but I'm not sure he believes them anymore. But the thing is...I actually am ambivalent about the guy myself. He seems quite nice--and we do have a fair amount in common--and we enjoy talking--but I'm certainly not sure he's the "one." I would, however, enjoy the chance to continue to get to know him better. Advice???

    Thank you!!!

    --Waiting and Wondering

    • Jane says

      It's always hard to know what someone's really thinking when you don't know them that well yet and you're not getting enough consistency to go on in, Waiting and Wondering. It's especially hard when, as you say, you're ambivalent yourself and when you both have a tendency towards passive behavior. But it sounds to me, with everything you said, that this could go either way. That he could either be interested and this is just his style, or that he could be not that sure himself what he's looking for and doesn't want to lead you on either, and is trying to navigate the dating world and appropriate and inappropriate gestures himself - in terms of texting, gift-giving, calling, waiting to call, showing interest, going back to your place, and the like.

      So I think it really comes down to you and what your comfort level is here. Personally, I think the best thing to do would be to take a very casual approach and keep living your life and dating other men if the situation arises, and see if he contacts you and if he asks you out, and you're interested, then go, but have him as just one thing going on in your life. That way, what he does or doesn't do doesn't take up any more of your time and energy while you're trying to figure him out. Because I want to go back to the fact that love is not complicated; and while it may be that you are making it more complicated than it is simply by analyzing it (which is completely understandable, by the way), it may also be that he is a complicated man who is keeping you guessing and keeping things complicated and not being more transparent simply because this is his personality.

      Give it some time. Just let it be. See what happens. Try to just observe, but not analyze so that you're not spending so much time focusing on the why that could be answered with so many possibilities. Time will tell. You'll know soon enough what's going on with him. It's actually a very healthy way to be that you are ambivalent about him because that is such a healthier approach than being so into someone that you don't see them objectively and have a harder time being objective about whether or not the two of you are truly compatible. And if you do feel comfortable communicating with him as a friend, inviting him to something or anything else you feel comfortable with, there's nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with him and getting to know him that way and seeing where things go.

  38. Lara says

    Hi I meet this really nice guy online who I clicked with so well, after a few chats he suggested we skype as we live in different countries. Its now day two and he hasn't sent even a message to suggest if he had a nice time skyping or to suggest another Skype date. I know its early but I want to know is he interested or not?

    • Jane says

      You'll know, Lara; you'll always know because if he is interested in you, he'll always make sure to let you know in a way that you can't miss. If he doesn't send you another message, try to just accept the reality that for whatever reason, he isn't ready for you or a relationship right not, and this isn't so much about you, it's really about him. The best thing to do is to keep living your life and try not to pay so much attention to whether or not he contacts you, knowing that time will always give you your answer.

  39. Lara says

    Hi Jane thanks for the advice.
    I woke to a message from him asking how the going is... I guess that's a good sign.

  40. says

    Thank you Jane! Your response really helped. And I applaud you for even just reading my entire (long!!) comment! I find it incredibly hard to be objective about my own situations, so it's really nice to have another set of eyes take a peek. It's good to know that you didn't see any glaring red flags with either his behavior or my own. I'm actually engaged in a really big project right now, so the timing of his backing off actually works out well for me. Plus, there are a couple of other intriguing men who've expressed some interest. 😉

    Anyway, I"m truly grateful for your time, generosity, and insights.

    All Best.

  41. Jessica says

    Can this go for a boyfriend you've been dating for a year? Because as of late he's been claiming to be so busy with work and so swamped with financial anxiety that he can't talk to me on a consistent basis which is hard for me to believe since we've been speaking about marriage i told him to just rely on me or talk to me for some sense of peace and relief but nope. He slept with me yesterday and now it's like nothing i've said has gone through to him. I get a generic email this morning stating he woke up late and havent heard from him since i'm tired of always contemplating whether or not i should or shouldnt call what am i doing thats so wrong!!!??? I seriously love him so much. :l

    • Jane says

      It can happen at any stage, Jessica, but hopefully after a year you have the kind of relationship where you sort out these things together. If he just isn't giving you more to go on, and you're feeling like he's pulling back even after you've talked to him about it and let him know what you'd like to see, then you might want to step back and give him some space and time to see if anything changes. If it doesn't, and this is the way he is now, then you've got some thinking to do about whether or not you're ok with this new lack of communication on his part. Remember that your actions will say more to him than your words, so if you haven't already, try to put more of the focus back on you and living your own life and see if that makes any difference to how he responds to you. He may be feeling something about your talk of marriage that may be causing him to pull back like this, or it may actually be his work and financial issues, but if he can't still communicate with you and include you in this part of his life, that is a red flag because that will be a part of your reality as a married couple.

      Try not to overthink this all right now -although I know that's easier said than done; give it some time and see if anything changes. I know it's so hard when you love someone so much, and it's scary to think they might have changed in any way in their level of commitment. Know that if both of you love each other and want the same thing, you'll both make it happen. If he isn't on the same page, or at least if he isn't right now, it's at least better you know this now than before you go down this road with him any further, as painful as that can be.

  42. Haida says


    My issue here is I know this great guy in 1993 in my work place. However he involved with his ex-wife and I had a bf back then. We was closed and indeed a good friend. Then I left the company and we lost contact. Along the years I heard that he married and have a daughter. Then It's history.A year ago I found him in FB and add him as one of my FB friend. We chat and I got to know that he divorced. He also mention that he have on-off relationship with his GF. Then after 6 months I found that they have broke up. This where I push the button and try to be closed to him however hardly return my call neither text. Then a year passed by. Out of sudden the project that I work on have something going on with his office. I texted him saying that I'm in the same building and let's meet up. He gave a lot of excuses. Then I stop. Last Sunday I texted him again to check whether his free to meet up and he agreed. So last Monday we meet up and we had a great time. He mentioned that his busy as he have to take care of his daughter and don't have time for dating however he want to build a family again. He also say that his ex Gf trying to patch things up with him but he refused as his happy with what he have now. He also mention that his nervous and very shy with me. But now is after 2 days since we met he dont even texted or called me. I really interested in him. What should I do ??

    • Jane says

      From what you've described here, Haida, it sounds like you've been the one driving most of your interactions with him, with very little response from him, and that is always a huge red flag that he isn't on the same page as you and isn't looking for the same thing from you as you are from him. Anytime someone gives excuses and makes sure to mention just how busy they are, throws in that their ex is trying to patch things up, and then doesn't turn around and do at least some of the initiating of contact when you've obviously shown him by your actions that you are intested in him, it's time to accept that this man just isn't there and move on. If things change for him and he decides he does want to pursue something further with you, know that you'll be the first to know and at that point, you can decide how you feel and go from there. For now though, as hard as it is to let go of someone you're really interested in, know that it's so much better to find this out now before getting your heart any more involved with him when the potential for your heart being broken is that much greater. Any man who is truly interested in you will always make sure there is no doubt in your mind that he is!

  43. Purple says

    I have been with this guy for 2 years. Infact 12th is our second anniversary. We had a major fight 5 days ago and after that i kept calling him all day for two days in a row..i wanted to talk, to apologise , to tell him that the fights are not worth it.....but he dint pick up...he disconnected the phone more than once. This one time he picked up, he said he'll call me back after 5 minutes and dint...for the next 20 hrs ...he hasnt been making any effort to get in touch with me....he knows i must be worried and i must be wanting to talk to him...but he hasn't done everyone tells me to wait...let him make enough efforts to prove that he wants to be with me...(ps; i was the one to propose him) ....he has said things in the past which always made me wonder whether he really wants to be with me.. and this time around too our fight was on the issue of he giving me a commitment...

    I am not sure if i should wait or just pick his call and make it too easy for him becoz i can't forget for two days when i needed him the most he ignored me completely.

    • Jane says

      It sounds like you've answered your own question here, Purple; if he knew you were worried and must be wanting to get in touch with him and he still didn't reach out to you, then of course you can't forget that! I see a pattern here; you say you proposed and your fight was about him giving you a commitment and then he responds by completely ignoring you. He is making it clear that he isn't on the same page as you, Purple; whatever he is or isn't saying, his behavior is clearly letting you know where he stands. Do you really want to be with someone who would disconnect his phone more than once? Is he really worth it if you're the one who has to keep chasing after him to get him to talk to you? I would look more closely at yourself and why you are choosing someone who you feel the need to call all day for two days in a row to try to patch things up. Obviously, you felt if you didn't try to keep calling, he wasn't going to call you, and that doesn't sound like a healthy, mutual relationship that honors and respects the beautiful you are. If two people are meant to be together, Purple, it won't be like this. True love is never complicated. You don't ever have to keep calling someone who loves you and truly wants to be with you. He would want to talk, to patch things up, to be there for you when you need him. As hard as this may be to accept, you are so much better off recognizing the reality of this relationship and accepting what is, then hanging onto someone who isn't where you are at this point in his life.

  44. an says

    Hi Jane,
    I would like to describe a situation and please tell me your opinion.
    About 2-3 weeks ago i went for a drink with a friend of mine and there was one friend of hers with his buddy.
    Lets call them S and Y.
    We were having a great time all together but S had to leave early because he was working in the morning. So Y stayed with us and we were going to take him home.
    Later that night my friend told me that Y asked her if i am single. She told him are you interested? He replied: Why, did you bring her for S? Because in that case i will pull back, S is like my brother. And my friend told him that we came for a drink and if they both liked me they better talk to each other.
    For the next days we were chatting on facebook. Almost every day with Y, and a few times with S. With Y there was a lot of flert. 10 days later we arrange a gathering at Y's place, to play games. We had a fantastic time and he was very friendly with me. He looked me in the eyes, playing with me, touching etc.
    When we left my friend told me that she is very confused because she couldnt undertand which one of them likes me and she thinks that they both like me but that sounds crazy because they are friends and they should have discussed about it.
    The other night they invited us to go for a drink. They would go anyway with some of their friends. i liked Y so we went. And Y completely ignored me!! I couldnt believe it. Last night he was so good and friendly. And now he was talking to anyone but not me. And S was very friendly!
    I was really disappointed and we were talking about it with my friend. They understood that something was wrong.
    Y asked her: Whats wrong? And my friend told him: "What can i say to you right now? Do something!" And he replied that if he did what he wanted we would have a problem.
    So my friend went to S and asked him which one of them likes me. And he replied: "I like her why is that a problem?"
    Later we saw them at the bar talking to each other and then S left. Y was back to normal.
    My friend asked Y to take me home because she had to left.
    So, we stayed alone and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that he pissed me off because i couldn't understand why he ignored me all night. And he said that S liked me thats why. And that he liked me too but.. he is not in the mood for anything more. (he told me he has issues with work , health (he had a problem 3 years ago) and personal issues.
    He kissed me and i know he wanted more but i stopped him and he took me home.
    I cannot understand all this situation. His friend, his flirt, his issues?
    Then why he was acting like that? He only wanted one night?
    And from that day he only send me a typical message yesterday on facebook. Not like the other times.
    I like him a lot but i didn't like his actions and attitude.
    But i cannot get him off my mind and i want so badly to see him again.
    How should i react, what can i do?

    Sorry for the long email and thank you very much

    • Jane says

      This is yet another one of those times, An, when the best thing you can do to honor and respect yourself is to listen to what this person is saying and believe him. This guy has told you that yes, he likes you, but he is not in the mood for anything more. He went on to give you more reasons why he is not interested in anything more. So consider yourself fortunate that at least he is not leading you on. He is being honest and upfront, even if it's not wha you wanted to hear. Remember that liking someone means liking the whole person; you can't separate his actions and attitude from the person he is, so whenever you're thinking about him and you want to see him, remember this.

      And know that sometimes, the very reason many of us have a hard time getting a man off our mind, is because they pull away like this. Whenever that happens, this always says something more about us than it does about him, so you may want to check out an article I wrote about why we are attracted to men like this. It really does take two people to start a relationship and both have to want to get to know each other. Don't sell yourself short by spending one more minute of your time and energy on someone who isn't on the same page as you; you deserve so much more than this!

  45. Helen says

    Hi Jane,
    I've been with this guy since last year October, for these few months, we haven't been out for dinner for so many times because he said he's busy at work, sports, parties, friends, whenever he txt me I will just go to meet up (Yes, sometimes I can't make it so I rejected him). Whenever we see each other, he acts so passionate and really into me. However, we never talk on the phone, facebook, it's only like one txt in a week if he wants to see me, that's all.

    I can admit that we almost had sex every time we see each other. He said he had the best sex ever with me. I did ask him do you treat me just causal or sex partner but he said no. I am a passive girl so I did not txt him if I want to see him but wait for him.

    For the last Christmas and even Valentines day, he went on holiday with his big group of friends without spending any time with me. Even when he's not on holiday, when he has days off, he just goes to sports, never spend one weekend with me or brought up sometime to do with me. Actually I am quite ok at first because I also quite busy and I want to spend time with friends or stay home during weekend. I never complain about him cannot spend weekend with me and talk about this issue.

    The thing is he went on holiday this early month, but before the week he left, he did not txt me any message or even say goodbye to me! I know he went on holiday by facebook, he never talk to me in person. Yes, he wrote all the details on facebook like departure day and return day but he is not talking to me in person! Actually when i know he left message on facebook saying he's going to airport for holiday, I felt so sad and angry about him! Is he really busy that he even can't txt me or message me?

    So after 2 weeks I know he's back by facebook, but he hasn't contacted me for 2 days after that. I did think should i wait or just leave it because I don't want him to think that I am a clingy girl or needy one. (For the past few months, I NEVER ask him out!) But this time I want to true to myself so I txt him "Are you back?", well, at first I think he's not into me anymore so I did not expect he will txt me back.

    But he did, then I txt him that " i think you forget about me" but he said no, he has lots of stuff to do when he back and he hasn't forgotten about me. Well this is maybe the first time I show him my emotion, I txt him back that we have no communication it's really bad, then we end up our txt.

    I still feel so sad even he said he hasn't forgotten about me. I almost want to txt him like 'we should never meet again because you are so busy and I think you are not interested about me" I just think i am wasting my time to see and emotional attached someone I don't know much. And I think the way we communicate is not healthy, to be honest, I don't need a man to call me all the time, I can understand we cannot meet up in this week but I just want to be told :(

    My situation is i broke up with a 2 years relationship and haven't recovered yet. I never tell him about I haven't recovered yet. I also want to tell him that I am not ready in a relationship but I sure not interested in anything causal or sex partner! Is that right to tell? I really want to but we did not have the chance to talk about this!

    Should I just move on? We almost haven't seen each other for a month! Whenever I think about his passion and sweet hug and kiss it just holds me back......

    • Jane says

      Oh Helen, you deserve so much more than what you're getting from him. of course he tells you he has the best sex ever with you and you end up having sex nearly every time you're together - he has everything he wants with you! He doesn't have to do anything to have you in his life like this except tell you what he knows you want to hear, and then he can have you on his terms. You are asking for so little from him, Helen, and you're getting even less than that. You have a right to tell him anything and everything you want to about yourself, and you would have a chance to talk about this if he was treating you and your relationship like a real relationship and spending time with you, getting to know each other, finding out about who each of you are and what you are both about. But clearly, his actions and his behavior are saying that he doesn't want this. And my beautiful sweet friend, you are getting nothing but crumbs from him.

      You are simply on two completely different pages, and because you are so used to not speaking up and letting him know by your words or actions what you expect from him if you are to be with him, he probably doesn't even realize how sad and angry you are about all this. If you are content to be with him on his terms like this, then by all means, make that your decision and stay with him. But if you're not, and if you truly want a real relationship with someone who will take the time to get to know you without you giving yourself away so fast because you feel you need to in order to keep a man in your life, then let him go so you can both free yourselves up for someone who is on your same page.

      If you haven't seen him in a month, it doesn't sound like there is anything there in this relationship, Helen, and I would certainly move on if I were you. The next time you think about his passion and sweet hug and kiss, remind yourself that any man can give you those things, but it takes a real relationship with a real person who's on the same page as you to have a real relationship to go along with it. And without that, you only have a superficial,
      physical relationship.

      I suspect that you have learned not to rock the boat, or say what's on your mind, or speak up and ask for what you want, Helen, because you are afraid of asking for too much and having someone leave you because you were too clingy or needy, or whatever you want to call it. But knowing yourself, and knowing what you deserve and just how much you have to offer someone who is looking for someone exactly like you and is willing to wait to get to know you better before having sex with you, is exactly what you need to do to be in a healthy relationship. If you haven't already, you may find it helpful to read a post I wrote about why you attract someone like this. You truly deserve so much more than this!

  46. Cat5 says

    Hi Jane,

    So I met a guy on-line and we went out on a date. We had a good time, and he kissed me goodnight. He mentioned us getting together the following weekend, but no definite plans were made, we said we discuss during the week. During the following week we exchanged a few e-mails, but he never mentioned getting together. Also, he never replied to my last e-mail before the weekend (I did not bring up getting together.).

    A week went by and so I just sent him a general e-mail saying that I was thinking about him and asked how he was and if he had completed a work project he told me about. He responded and we've exchanged a few e-mails, but he hasn't mentioned getting together and I'm trying to figure out what to do.

    If he wasn't interested would he have replied? Does he want to keep me on the back burner? Does he want to be e-mail buddies?

    I'm confused about how what I should do now. Call him? Suggest getting together?

    Your advice and suggestions are most welcome.



    • Jane says

      This is so new, Cat5, that I would let it be if I were you. If he's interested in pursuing something more, and getting together in person, then he will most definitely let you know, regardless of whether you bring it up or not. There can be so many various reasons why he hasn't mentioned getting together, any of the things you suggest, and many times it's so much easier for a man to keep replying than to come right out and tell you what he is and isn't feeling or thinking about.

      I've found that if you're initiating and he's responding, that isn't a good predictor of where he's at. If you stop initiating and he doesn't step up and initiate contact with you himself, that will definitely give you more information about whether he's on the same page as you. But don't take any of his actions or inaction personally; this is about him and not you. And if he's not where you're at or not interested in pursuing anyting furhter, remember that this isn't about trying to get someone to like you or be interested in you. You only want someone in your life who is actively pursuing you and interested in getting to know you better; and if it's not him, there will be someone else! Next!

  47. Alex says

    Hi. Opinion of a 28 yr old guy for what its worth:

    Here is how I look at it:
    - Guy should call the girl. The man will call if he is interested in you.
    - When you are with the guy (before or after) the girl should not play any games. This is the moment you should let him know you like him. If you give the guy mixed signals, he will hesitate to call you.

    The only reason I say that the girl should not call the guy is because most guys will automatically jump at the opportunity to get a girl in the sack. So regardless of whether he is serious about you or not, he will probably respond positively to your call. The disadvantage here for the girl is that you are less likely to know the motives of the guy if you call him. If you as the girl are just looking for a swing, go ahead and call the guy.

  48. Anne says

    Hi Jane,

    I need your advice. I was seeing a guy I met online for about 3 1/2 months. Initially I was not attracted to him, but he was so nice and so considerate and well mannered that I had no reason not to keep seeing him. He would send me texts every morning and tell me he was really looking forward to seeing me again. He lives an hour away and didn't hesitate to drive all that distance to go out with me. When we kissed for the first time, it was like fireworks and I found myself really liking him after that. Sometimes, though, we would go 2 weeks without seeing each other because of his busy career, but he would always stay in touch. During this time, I asked him if he was seeing other people and he said he was not, but we never had a conversation about being exclusive. We spent the night at each other's places about 3 times, but never went all the way. I think he may have been confused about why we didn't go all the way, and I'll admit, I should have expressed to him that I did not feel comfortable doing that unless we were exclusive. I told him I wanted to take it slow, but not the part about being excusive. When Valentine's day came around, he didn't get me anything and I had noticed that he was acting a little distant. Instead of the usual daily text or call, he would go 2-3 days without contact. When I saw him for the last time a few days after Valentine's Day, I asked him if he was still interested in me since I felt he had become distant. He said he wanted to see me again and that I worried too much. I felt slightly reassured, but I was hoping this would open the lines of communication and we would have a talk about the relationship, but it didn't lead to that. After that, I heard from him sporadically. I called him and got voicemail. He texted me the next day and said he would call me back that night but never did. I texted him a week later and got no response. It has now been one month since I saw him last and 2 weeks since I sent the last text. I feel very distraught about this because I really liked him and felt we had so much potential. And I know he really liked me too. All my friends tell me not to contact him but I really need to know what happened. I'm afraid my hesitancy about sleeping with him or my hesitancy about discussing why I didn't feel comfortable doing it made him feel I wasn't interested. He is still online and active on it as well. I want to make one last effort to reach out to him. What do you think? Has too much time passed?

    • Jane says

      If you really need to make one last effort to reach out to him, at this point, it's not going to change anything or really have any effect either way, Anne. You've already done this over the last month by your repeated attempts to reach him, to talk to him, and so regardless of how much time has passed, it really won't matter.

      As hard as it is to accept - and I know it is, my beautiful friend - the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept the fact that he just isn't there. He's not on the same page as you. He doesn't want the same thing, regardless of how much he pursued you in the beginning. This is no reflection on you, it is simply about him and not something you should in any way take personally. If you need some closure, or some answers, and you need these so badly that contacting him even though he has made it clear by his actions that he has moved on, still is better than living like you are second-guessing yourself like this, then know that it won't do any harm to what isn't there in the first place, but it may affect you.

      If you can walk away now with your head held high because you can chose to let someone go who simply isn't on the same page as you and nothing more, you will retain so much more of your self-esteem and confidence. Because nothing he can say will make this better for you. Whatever you could or should have said or done differently to keep him in your life and the relationship continuing, it wasn't about any one thing. If he falls for you, he always falls for the essence of you, and not any one thing you do or don't do or say or don't say can change that.

      Remember that dating is always about finding out whether or not you and another person are truly compatible and want the same things. And if your hesitancy about sleeping with him or how you handled it made him feel like you weren't interested, know that your repeated efforts to contact him since then have surely let him know you were. If he isn't returning your calls or texts, this isn't about you, Anne, it's about him and your best response is simply to move on, let him go, knowing that there is someone else out there for you who you will never have to wonder about his feelings for you!

      • Anne says

        Thanks for your response, Jane. I guess it's just really hard for me to accept that he ended things this way, by not returning my call or responding to my text. I would have thought that after all the time we spent together (we went on 10-11 dates), I deserved more than a simple break in communication. And the worst part is that I asked him straight up if he was interested the last time I saw him. And he said he wanted to see me again and that I worried too much. I just don't get it. It just seems so strange to end things like this after going on so many dates And you cant even blame it on being young and immature - he's 32. Part of me feels that maybe he does want to get in contact again with me, but he's embarrassed to do it, and maybe I should reach out to let him know it's ok to get in contact. In your opinion, would you contact him or just let it go?

        • Jane says

          I so hear you, Anne. It's always that much harder to accept and move on when it doesn't make sense. I hear how hard this is for you. And especially when you just asked him about this and he reassured you! If you listen to what he said - that you worry too much - this sounds to me like he knows where you're coming from and what you want from him. The fact that you asked him outright if he was interested and he obviously heard you and reassured you, all tell me that he knows what you're looking for from him. So based on that, I would personally let it go, if it were me. But it's not going to hurt anything to call him, it's not going to change anything. Just know that based on his lack of initiating contact with you, you may not get the response you're looking for. But you will at least have closure - and it sounds like that is your greater need right now. The bigger question I would ask yourself, though, is if you really want this person in your life if he's not actively pursing you the way you so deserve to be pursued. There's no right or wrong here, Anne, there's just you and what you need and what will help you move on. Know that this is about him, not you. You're still the same beautiful woman you've always been with or without him!

          • Anne says

            Thank you so much, Jane. I realize now after having a few days to think about it that I don't really want closure. I want to reach out to him because I would have liked to have kept seeing him and I wish that we were seeing each other still. I've never had a relationship that lasted this long end this way. I'm scared though that if I do reach out to him ( I would probably send him a text), that he won't return it and I won't get closure either way. And, in addition, I'll look desperate and pathetic. Do you have tips for moving on from this? What kind of people do what this guy did? Is this a character trait, or did he just not think enough of me to return my call or even to come clean about not wanting to see me again?

            • Jane says

              So many possible reasons, Anne, but nothing that has to do with you. This is always about their stuff, their unfinished business, their backgrounds, their baggage. The best thing you can do is refuse to go to that place where you try to figure them out and analyze them, because it really could be anything. Although I know firsthand just how hard that can be to actually not do that! But it never helps, it doesn't bring him back around, and it rarely ever makes you feel better. If you feel he wouldn't respond, you're probably right - but do give yourself credit for being honest with yourself here on what you were looking for! So often it's easier to look at the surface than deeper at what's really going on with our motives for doing something.

              When you ask if he didn't think enough of you to be honest with you - my beautiful friend, this is all about him. Any man who behaves like this isn't worth even thinking twice about whether he thought enough of you or not - he isn't worth you even going there! In my experience, most often what happened is he simply wasn't comfortable enough with himself to be honest with you - he didn't have the courage to be honest with you. And so, you see, it is not about you, at all! He wouldn't have been able to be honest with anyone! And he has to live with himself, too, so know that whenever someone behaves like this, it affect them on some level as well, and they need to deal with that part of themselves before they can be in a healthy relationship. So there is no great loss. He's just not there.

              The best thing to do to move on, is to fill your time and life with things that you enjoy, that give you confidence in who you are, that remind you of all the things you can do, and all the beautiful talents and gifts you possess, while putting yourself in situations where you can meet some new people who share your values and your passions. It's that balance of finding out what brings out the best in ourselves while increasing our social circles so that we realize he isn't the only one out there like him, and we have the reminder that we are still the same person with just as much of a life and just as much to offer someone truly deserving of all we are, as you were before him. And little by little, over time, you will start to see yourself and him in a more realistic light and realize that you really do deserve so much more that what he had to offer you. Letting go and moving on is always a dance; it's more of a two steps forward, one step back momentum, than a cut and dry end. But know this, Anne, that there is someone out there looking for exactly who you are, just as much as you are looking for him. And when it's with the right person, you'll never have to second-guess anything!

          • Anne says

            Jane, I so appreciate your taking the time to respond to each of my questions. Thank you so much for your kind words . They mean so much. I am going to try to put this behind me and move on just like you said, by doing things that I enjoy and make me happy. Please know that you are doing so much good with this website - I know that I can speak for all your readers and say that your words have so much insight and make all the difference when life and relationships can seem so complex and complicated. Thank you for all you do! :)

            • Jane says

              Thank you for your kind words, Anne; I'm always inspired to hear that something I can offer is truly helping and making a difference in some way. Thank you for letting me know. :-)

          • Anne says

            Jane, I'm writing back about this because I just spoke to a friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in 2 months and told her the story about this relationship. She was outraged that I hadn't written him or called him to tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that you don't "pull the fade" after a 4 month relationship. I'm starting to regret never having defended myself and never having let him know that he couldn't treat me like this. I feel that maybe by not telling him all this, I sort of went along with everything. Talking to my friend just opened up all these feelings I had that I never got off my chest because I wasn't ever able to talk to him about how I was feeling (because he never returned my call). I never got a chance to tell him that he can't leave someone high and dry like this. Now it's been a month and a half since I last saw him. I feel it's too late to tell him all of this and I lost my opportunity. Please help!

            • Jane says

              Yes, Anne, you can certainly call him or write him and lay into him and call him every name in the book, and tell him in no uncertain terms that he cannot treat you like he did, but at the end of the day I have never found it changed anything nor made anyone feel better for doing this. What I have found to work so much better is to write it all out on paper, tell him everything you want to say in a letter you don't send because then you have gotten it all out and can reread it whenever you doubt that you're not better off without him. Because you are!

              You haven't missed out on any opportunity because there simply was no opportunity, Anne - and not because of you, but because of him. He wasn't there, he wasn't who he thought he was and despite all the potential he showed, he wasn't compatible with you or else it would have continued. In reality, he could treat you like he did, because he did, and he can leave someone high and dry like this, because he did. You can say all this to him and so much more, but in reality, it's always your actions that say so much more than your words ever could.

              Don't beat yourself up here for even a minute for not calling him on his behavior and going along with it all! We've all been there at one time or another, full of regrets for what we wish we had said and done while we are setting the tone for the relationship. You're not the only one who's learned this the hard way or after the fact! It's so easy for our well meaning friends who are looking out for us to tell us what we need to do, but you're the one living your life so this strength has to come from you. And it will, Anne. Because as hard as it is to get over him, it will get easier. And if you want to, know you can always call him, you can always write to him, you can always ask him if the two of you can start over again - just make sure you're prepared for his response, my beautiful friend.

              Because sometimes it's simply about knowing we always have a choice that it makes it easier to move on from here.

          • Anne says

            Everything you said is true, Jane. Thanks so much for that. I just wish he had called me back when he said he would and told me how he felt. Even if he had said he didn't want a relationship or didn't want to see me again, it wouldn't have been as painful an end as the way it ended in reality, by him ignoring my phone call and text. In your opinion, would you defriend him on Facebook? I hadn't wanted to defriend him because I wanted to keep that line of communication open, but today, he put a picture up of himself at a concert and I was sad all day.

            • Jane says

              Whenever I wasn't sure what to do, I would ask myself what it benefits me, or what it hurts me. If it hurts you, Anne, don't put yourself through any more hurt or pain. You've been through enough already. But if it benefits you, in some way that only you can know, then leave it the way it is. This is about you, my sweet friend, not about him. But I would ask yourself why you want to keep that line of communication open if he knows where you are and how to get ahold of you. Men can become extremely productive when they want something.

              Know that you're really not missing out on anything, Anne - if it's not meant to be, it's not there. It's just the illusion we create for ourselves when we're on the outside looking in and everything seems like it would be so amazing if only we were still a part of his life. Don't go there, Anne, because I can say with absolute confidence that it's not. It's that selective memory so many of us have. And the amazing ability to see someone's potential even in the midst of our heartbreak.

              This ability to love that you have, Anne, is such a beautiful thing when shared with someone who proves himself to be truly worthy of this tender-hearted woman known as you. You have such a beautiful giving, soul; don't ever let this experience harden that beautiful heart of yours!

  49. JG says

    I started talking to a guy about a month ago after meeting in a bar.. (I had seen him around for years and always thought he was so cute!) Things seemed to be going well at first, we were texting every day..I was trying to 'play it cool' so as not to scare him off, so I would try and not text back straight away (silly games I know, but I think I have been too keen in past relationships!) Just over a week ago I let him stay over at my house after a night out thinking my parents wouldn't find out (I am in my 20s but still live at home), however my mother realised I had someone in my room and went crazy at me. The guy seemed to find it funny at first, and afte he'd left he was texting me as usual for about a day. Then I didn't hear from him for another 2 days so I sent him a casual text which he replied to the same day. I left it another day and replied to his message... that was last Thurday (it is now Tuesday) and I haven't had a response to my message (in which I asked a couple of questions)... Do you think it is worth sending another text? Or do you think the incident with my mother could have scared him off?! I really liked him and he seemed so nice...however the stress of him not texting is getting a bit too much for me and I am spending so much time worrying about it I don't know if it's healthy! Can you offer me some advice please? Thank you!

    • Jane says

      I hear you, JG; it's hard to know where he's at and it sounds like the stress of not hearing from him is more stressful than just being yourself with him and texting him. You can't know where he's at, or if that incident scared him off, but if it did, than know that he just isn't on the same page as you, and it's always better to find out now than later on down the road when you're invested more of your heart in him. But it isn't going to change anything if you contact him, so if that's what you need to do to put yourself at ease, and relieve some of your stress about this, then it sounds like that means more than just letting it go and accepting that if he was interested in pursuing something further with you, he would let you know.

      Remember that this is about him, and you really don't know him well enough to even know if you would want him contacting you again! You always deserve someone who you don't have to doubt if they're interested in you or not, so remember that, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. If it's not him, there will be someone else who will be letting you know without a doubt that he is interested in getting to know you better and finding out if the two of you are compatible!

      • JG says

        Thanks so much for getting back to me Jane. Since writing my first post I have had more time to think about it and discuss everything with my friends. I have decided not to text much as I *want* to just to find out why he has "disappeared", I have realised that the answer is probably not going to be one I want to hear! Thanks for your reply and the link to the other article, it has really helped me to realise that if he does want to contact me then he knows where I am and how to contact me...and if not then I am better off without him. It's a shame because he seemed so promising (plus I had a crush on him for so long) so I think perhaps I over-romanticised the idea of him in my mind!! The time I did actually spend with him he was great, and I think I am just going to accept that time for what it was and realise that we are obviously on different pages. The whole way through the "relationship" I always thought he seemed too good to be true..and I guess my instinct was right! I wish it wasn't so difficult!! Thanks again for your kind and useful advice, your articles are great and I am sure they have helped a lot of people. x

        • Jane says

          So glad to have been able to help here, JG - and I appreciate your kind words. Be absolutely confident that if he was as promising as he seemed, it would have worked out because it always takes two people on the same page who want the same thing to make any promising potential relationship work. As hard as it can be to accept, there is no real loss when you look at it this way; just a reality check!

          • JG says

            Hi Jane, I thought I would give you a little update on this situation.. After not hearing from him for over a month I happened to run into him on a night out last weekend. I decided not to go and speak to him but he text me that night saying how he's been having a difficult time at home and then felt like he had left it too long without texting and then felt too awkward to text me. I am not sure if I believe him..but I have heard from him a couple of times this week.. I guess I will have to see if he really means that, but I am definately not stressing anymore because I know that if he wants to get in touch, then he will! And if not then I know it's nothing to do with me or anything I have said or done. Feeling really positive about everything now and I am really enjoying your mailing list :)

            • Jane says

              Thanks for the update, JG; it sounds like you've got exactly the perspective that will keep you from having your heart broken, regardless of the outcome. You've got it! :-)

          • JG says

            Hi Jane,
            Just reading through your latest posts and remembered that we had spoken about the situation above. Just wanted to say that I am so glad that I followed your advice because I found out a few weeks ago (through some friends of friends) that the guy I mentioned has a girlfriend, and has been with her for 4 years!! Although I never got an explanation from him about his 'disappearing acts', I think this definitely answers my questions!! Really glad I didn't try and pursue anything further with him or send texts etc because he definitely wasn't worth it! It's a shame that sometimes men can be so convincing but actions speak louder than words and I have definitely learnt that the hard way! Onwards and upwards though :)

            Thanks for your help and inspirational posts! x

            • Jane says

              Thanks for the update, JG - and your kind words :-) - I'm glad this worked out for you, even though it can feel like such a waste. Know that it isn't, you're learning, you're getting this, and one day soon someone's actions and their words will say the same thing and you'll know it's for real. One new way of seeing at a time, we come to figure this out for ourselves.

  50. Mika says

    I really need advine.
    Ive been on a long distance relationship for 2 years. It has been on and off but the past 6 months had been really great, since we live really far away we made plans for him to come see me he wanted to meet my family he even suggested we should get married. We talked every day but suddenly he stoped calling .
    I called a couple times but felt he was distant confronted him about it and he said he was worried we couldnt make it work and that he really loved me but maybe we had to be realística about it or come up with a solution like me moving to his country he was bussy so he said hed call the next day so we could come up with ideas but he hasent called in 4 days what should i do? Should i give up on the whole relationship?

    • Jane says

      It's really up to you, Mika. You've already called him, you've already confronted him, and he told you he'd call so you can figure this out together. Whatever the reality of where he stands, calling him to try to get more of an answer or not calling him and giving up on the relationship isn't going to change anything. It's about what you need to do for yourself. For your own peace of mind. You have a pretty clear answer by his lack of communication and the fact that you've been the one initiating contact since he stopped calling, but that doesn't mean you can't reach out again if that's what you need to do to move on.

      This isn't about you, this is about him, Mika. Whatever has or hasn't changed for him, know that you're still the beautiful woman you were and always have been with or without him. If he isn't there on the same page as you are, wanting the same thing you do, you haven't lost anything. You deserve nothing less than someone who wants the same thing and is committed to making that happen - regardless of long distance circumstances or anything else! That's what a real relationship is all about.

  51. aminata nyara kamara says

    I have.bein with this guy for 15months three weeks now the first 6months were perfect n dis other nine months were hell one because he travelled to the USA before the first sixth month ended and we have bein arguin and fightin since then... I love him deeply he has hurt me soo much but he is the one person that has brought great happiness life n everything about him.makes me fall in love much more harder... then things started changing, he is the type of person who has never bein ther for me wen another person os hurting me, he insulted me for some girls who he says they are his friends and then four months ago he stopped showing me love... I don't know if the love is no more there or he is just hiding it from me but its the other way for me because I can't stop loving him... we promised eachpther that we will be together forever but he has changed completely and will o ly talk if I talk to him. but he will go tok to other people and will tell peopl that he lovea me bit he hurts me deeply n always makes me cry because i am confused and heartbroken and i dont even know when ill see him again all i k.ow is that I love him... so few days ago I sent videos to him crying and pouring my heart put telling him that I juat cant fit in to his new world of late and I will stay away from his family and frienda because they dpnt rwapect me at all and he doesnt do anything about it... I also tild him that ill always love him and he will always be the one coz no matter what as i jad promised him I love him n its every little thi.g he does that makea me love him... he never replied tp me neither talk to me... its being two days now and am freaking out because i sooo want tp talk to him but i dont know what to du....

    • Jane says

      oh Aminata, sometimes we can get so caught up in the love story we so want to have as our own, that we lose sight of the reality of the actual relationship we are in. It sounds like this is what is happening for you. Here you are, pouring out your heart and soul to his guy, showing him just how much you love him and always will love him no matter how he chooses to treat you. And yet, even with all of this, he doesn't even respond to you or talk to you - and you are the one going crazy but he doesn't even lift a finger to contact you. My beautiful friend, please ask yourself why you are choosing him over you? What is he worth to you that makes you put yourself through this when he is giving you absolutely nothing in return? Yes, you can stop loving someone like this, Aminata; if you decide that you are worth more than this.

      If you are not both on the same page, and it clearly sounds like you are not, this isn't about playing the martyr; love is never about making someone love you when they clearly are letting you know they're just not there. Love should never hurt like this, like the agony you describe here that you're going through. You don't need to do this to yourself for one more moment if you choose not to.

      Try to take a step back for just a moment, and see the reality of what is here, not what you want it to be or what it used to be like, or what you know there is the potential for. You deserve someone who treats you the way you treat someone you love, my beautiful friend, and gives you back as much as you give to him. This isn't about making him love you, this is about your life and your choice of how you want to live it. Only you can choose what you want to do with all this - and with him. But it is your choice, Aminata, and there is a beautiful woman inside you waiting for you to choose her, regardless of what anyone else does or doesn't do. You deserve to be loved just because you're you!

  52. Sam says

    Omg!! Such a useful article - thank you so much!!!!
    Ok so there's this guy in my uni and we have known each other for a few months now and we got talking.. 2 weeks ago we both made it really obvious that we like each other and he even told me he likes me even though he couldn't figure out why a girl like me would be into a guy like him cus he's got the whole 'bad boy' image and I am a 'good girl' and we both just decided that we like each other and that's that and that night we even made out! The first time he came to kiss me, I wasn't expecting it so moved away but the second time I kissed him back. He always used to message me loads on fb and also used to text me but a few days ago he went back to his home country to see his family and so we haven't been talking much. I messaged him on fb and he replied and we were talking for ages but then he randomly stopped replying and didn't even see my msg on fb bcus it didn't show as 'seen' so I decided to msg him a few days later and he replied again but again he hasn't seen my reply. He used to do this before as well when we used to talk a lot but usually he would reply a few hours or a day later saying sorry and stuff. Now it's been 5 days and he hasn't checked my msg even tho he has been on fb! My best friend says I should go ahead and msg him asking him how he is and stuff but I am scared I am going to come across as clingy or needy! Before he left, he asked me loads of times if I will miss him and he also told me loads of times that I am his girl. So my best friend thinks that he just wants me to miss him cus he asked me so many times before he left and so I should just msg him. Is it ok for me to msg him after 5 days even when he hasn't seen my last reply even tho he has been on fb?

    • Jane says

      It really doesn't matter whether you msg him or not, Sam, regardless of how long it's been, if that's what you want to do. From the way you've desribed your situation, it sounds like he isn't looking for anything more than a surface type of relationship right now, because you would definitely be hearing from him more consistently if he were wanting more. A guy who's truly interested in you will always let you know.

      The best thing you can do is keep living your own life and focusing on the things you enjoy doing apart from him and spending time with the people you enjoy being with, and then what he does or doesn't do won't matter as much if it's not such a central focus.

      But I know that's easier said than done, Sam, so if you really feel like you need to be in touch with him, don't worry so much about how you will come across, as much as how true to yourself you're being. How he feels is how he feels, and a msg from you isn't going to change this. It might reveal his level of interest that much faster, but know that if he isn't on your page and isn't looking for the same thing you are, it's always better to find this out early before you've invested any more time and energy in him and before your heart is that much more vulnerable to being broken.

  53. Meghan says

    Hi Jane,
    Ive known this guy for more than 30 years. We have been friends. We both left fairly long term relationships at the same time when we were 35. He wanted to go out with me at that time but I wasn’t ready. We separated ways for several years and then ended up in the same city again. We reconnected but he was once again coming out of a relationship with some younger woman. We got together as friends and over time he became very affectionate with me and wanted to sleep together (which we did once) but then I asked him about this other woman and he said he was hoping she would take him back. I then said that it would be best we just remain friends as it was not fare to me as I was having feelings for him now and he respected that. We once again continued our friendship.

    He then moved away for about a year and then contacted me saying that he and his 15 year old son needed a place to live. I had a basement suite available in my house so they moved in downstairs. During his year away he got over this young woman as she was never going to take him back.

    After a few months of him living here we chatted and flirted but he made no moves on me, so one night I told him I was feeling attracted to him. He said he felt the same but that he liked the way his life was and that he didn’t want things to change. But the next night he came over and we slept together. He initiated it and It was great!

    I try not to bug him during the week as he is working on a very intense project and is extremely focused.

    I went on holidays for 10 days and the night before I left he came up and we had a wonderful evening together. I had no contact with him while I was gone.

    When I got back he picked me up at the airport and from reading your posts I believe I made a big mistake!! I said not to make plans for Saturday night as I was going to make him dinner and give him a massage. He said OK. But the next morning he called and cancelled, saying that he was not into socializing because he has a deadline to meet and he was too stressed. It’s been 2 days and I haven’t heard from him. (I can hear him at home sometimes and he’s purposely working out of the house, I believe).

    I truly feel that we have a lot in common and that since we have gone through a lot together and are the same age we could have a great relationship at some point. I hope I can get things back on track, can you give me some advice on what I should do now. Is it best for me to give him distance or should I go talk to him about it?

    • Jane says

      I hear what you're saying, Meghan. You know just how much the two of you have in common, how much you've been through similar experiences together, how compatible you seem to be in so many ways, and so it would only seem to make sense that the two of you might have a future together. The wildcard is that while it seems so obvious to you, and you clearly are ready to do whatever you need to do to make a relationship with him work, he clearly isn't as convinced of this as you. Make sure this is really about him - the real him who you see before you now - and not just his potential.

      He seems to be giving you mixed signals, going back forth between behaving as though you are simply friends who are there for each other, and then adding some intimacy to the relationship but still keeping his distance. Personally, I would give him some space since you've indicated you're picking up on some cues from him that he's not wanting anything more than a friendship right now. You've clearly shown him by your offer of dinner and a massage that you're interested in something more with him. If he's on the same page as you, he'll definitely be communicating with you to let you know he's there, too. But it sounds more like he's not looking for a real relationship with someone who's actually interested and available to him - like you are. It sounds more like he's on his own path, doing his own thing, and you're the one who is always there for him, so he sometimes gets caught up in believing he's on your page, too, because it may make sense to him, too, on some level, but he's not sure enough or consistent enough to know what he wants.

      So this really becomes about you, Meghan. If you are comfortable enough with him to talk about this openly with him, because of your long history together, you certainly could do that. Know that while that kind of direct communication may push him away, as he already seems to be pulling away at your direct - but lovely and well-intentioned! - invitation for Saturday night, if that is what he's doing, you are far better off knowing this than hanging onto some false hope that he keeps giving you. So I don't think you have anything to lose either way. If you decide to talk to him about all this, and he is scared away, then you will at least know more about where he stands. If you can just keep living your life and keep focusing on you and the things that make your life full and beatiful -without him, that would be the best thing you can do for yourself because it leaves you without being dependent on what he does, and gives you your power back instead of waiting in the back of your mind for the two of you to finally get together. I would really listen to your heart and your own intuition here, Meghan, because I think you already have your answers. You cannot be the only one willing to make this work, to take your friendship to a deeper level if you are the only one ready for that, and you absolutely deserve someone who does want that with you! No matter how compatible the two of you seem, if he's not there, if he doesn't see all that you are besides just a friend who he can always count on to be there for him, then know that you are missing the most essential part of what it takes to make a relationship work. Without that kind of compatibility of being on the same page, everything else really pales in comparison.

  54. Megan says

    THANK YOU. This has made me feel so much better. I met a guy through mutual friends 2 months ago, we started chatting but nothing really flirty. I invited him to my birthday about 3 weeks later. And to my large surprise, he told me he liked me and kissed me! A week later he asked me on a date, and we went to the movies. It was great! It was like talking to a good friend, but while holding hands. 2 days later, we hung out again at my house. The next day, we hung out at his house! I thought it was going so well, and I really liked him. He would tell me I was beautiful all the time, he wanted to know about my past relationships and he told me about his. He said things like he was excited for me to meet his mom. So, after we went to see fireworks on July 1st, I slept with him. That was on a Monday, afterwards he said he couldn't see me again until Friday because of work. I said that was fine, and we chatted through out the week through text. Then on Friday I asked if he still wanted to do something, and he said he didnt think he could tonight, and he was working Saturday so he asked if I was free Sunday. I said yes, and invited him to come to the rodeo with me. Then he just never replied. I texted him on Saturday, asking how his day at work was. Now its Sunday. I suppose I do understand if after Monday he decided I wasn't the right girl for him, but my curiosity is killing me! I have to know why! Why would he tell me he liked me, and act as if he wanted a relationship, if he didn't! Why would someone do that? So I am asking your opinion. What should I do? I can't put my curiosity away!

    • Jane says

      It's really up to you what you want to do with all this, Megan. Know that if he is interested in going to the rodeo with you, he will definitely have to get in touch with you at some point. You're so right though, you've sent him enough messages for him to know you're definitely interested in pursuing something with him, so if you don't hear from him, that's a pretty clear sign that he's just not there on the same page as you.

      We're always curious to know why, but again, what you want to do with that curiosity is up to you. If it's going to keep you up at night and be harder on you to not try contacting him again to find out the story, then do what you need to try to give yourself some peace and calm about what happened. If that means trying to contact him again, or if that means you just decide to accept the reality of what is - that he didn't respond, he hasn't given you the courtesy of an explanation - know that neither option changes that reality. He is where he is and you are where you are, and if you're both not on the same page and it's not a match, know that you haven't lost anything. You're still the same beautiful, desirable women you were before you met him and you're still the same person now.

      Try not to take any of this personally if he's not there. It's always so much better to find this out before you get any more involved with someone. Finding this out down the road when so much more of your heart and soul is on the line, is always so much more painful and you deserve to have someone in your life who is on your page and wants the same thing you do and isn't afraid of communicating with you!

  55. Lillian says

    Jane this article is absolutely excellent and God I wish I could just take your advice and go with the flow but I'm afraid I need a bit of help.
    So I met this guy online, we had tonnes in common and chatted for a couple of months via websites, twitter and texts before finally meeting for a date. It seemed to go really well and we kept talking until we went on our second date last thursday. That seemed to go even better. We went to the cinema and during the film we started holding hands, stroking each other and other gentle petting stuff. Then afterwards we went to the pub for a drink and again our chat kept going brilliantly, we made each other laugh and flirted and had our first proper kisses. As we parted for the night he told me to text him and we'd arrange our next date. Later that night he sent me a text just saying he'd had a lovely time. We kept chatting the next couple of days, I mentioned I had a DVD I thought he'd like and suggested bringing it around. He said that Sunday (the 7th, not the one coming now) might be good. However he'd already told me that on saturday he was going to an all night movie marathon so I asked if he would not be incredibly tired. He replied that he might be but would tell me how he was feeling on the day.
    So Sunday came and went and he hadn't texted me. I figured he was probably just really tired and didn't worry about it. Since then though while we've talked a little I realised it was always me contacting him. Not only that but I saw some tweets he'd made on Sunday evening saying he was out at a pub, so he wasn't just at home getting over his late night as I'd assumed.
    So it hasn't been that long but I'm just a bit confused and sad. We seemed to be getting on so well and I really thought he liked me as much as I like him but now it seems I was wrong. Really I just want some clarity on the situation. If he doesn't want to see me again then I will be sad but not devastated, it's the not knowing I hate. I'm thinking about just texting saying 'are you still interested in seeing me? If not then it's fine but I'd just like to know either way' but don't know if it's too soon and don't want to come across as desperate/passive agressive.
    Just to make matters worse those 2 dates were actually my first ever! I've had relationships before but they've always started as friendship and so there's never been a real dating period. Add to that the fact I have social anxiety disorder and low self esteem and I'm very worried I did something wrong.
    Any help you can give me would be so, so appreciated. I see that you're still answering comments even though this post is nearly a year old and it's really amazing of you.

    • Jane says

      You didn't do anything wrong, Lillian. This clearly isn't about you, it's about him. I never understood this either; how you could have such a wonderful time with someone, how they could confirm that they had a wonderful time, too, and yet that might be the last you'd hear from them. It took me a long time to realize that someone can still enjoy your company and enjoy getting together, but still not be looking for a relationship. And that's always what it comes down to; are you both on the same page and do you want the same thing? That's always the most important question.

      You are very wise to see a pattern here, Lillian; that you were the one doing all the leg work - contacting him - and this was obviously the way he wanted it as when he asked you to text him to set up your next date. Whenever that happens, the very best thing you can do is give him some space to see if he fills in that gap by reaching out to you. If he doesn't, then you know he's just not there. If he does, then you know there's a chance he might be on your page and want what you want, so you can take it slow and get to know him better. In this case, it sounds like you're got your answer by the fact that he didn't contact you even though he didn't come right out and say it. I completely understand how that lack of a definitive clear answer from someone always makes it difficult to move on, but the reality is, he really hasn't given you anymore to go on.

      Please believe me when I say that it doesn't matter if he doesn't call. You don't really know him that well, you don't know if he's on the same page as you or even if he's the type of man worth spending even a moment of your time and energy on, and more importantly, you definitely don't want him if he's not interested in you!

      Don't text him with that message unless you absolutely can't resist the urge to do that and need to in order to move on. It's most likely that you won't get an honest answer from him - otherwise, he'd have told you himself already, and if you do, you have to ask yourself if you really need to know more, of if you can simply focus on you and living your own life and see if you hear from him.

      It doesn't have to be so cut and dry even though we are so good at making it seem that way! Spend more of your time focusing on you, being around positive people who support and encourage you and bring out the best in you, and avoid those negative people who bring you down and leave you feeling less than you are and I think you will find that our low self-esteem has so much more to do with the influence of people who are not worthy of being in our lives than about the reality of who we really are! You, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than someone who pursues you, contacts you when he says he will, and doesn't leave you second-guessing yourself! If he's not on the same page as you or doesn't text or call you, it's time to take on the mindset of "Next!"!

  56. Elizabeth_CA says

    I met a guy online 2 weeks ago. This is the first time I've ever used online dating. He messaged me, I gave him my number, we exchanged texts, and met for drinks last Friday. We really hit it off and had a great time. He texted me the next morning saying we should go out again. He texted me almost everyday and we went on a second date on Tuesday. We have yet to kiss, but we are both shy and I can see us moving slow. He texted me Wednesday and that is the last I've heard from him. His parents were flying in to visit from Thursday to Sunday, so that might be why he hasn't contacted me. What I'm struggling with is if I should reach out to him and say something like "hope you're having a nice visit with the parents" or just wait to see if I hear from him after their visit. I do not like putting myself out there, but I really like this guy. He is way different from any of the a-holes I've ever dated.


    • Jane says

      That sounds reasonable that he's busy with his parents being in town and so hasn't contacted you, Elizabeth. Remember that you're still getting to know him - this is all still so new - and you don't know for sure yet that he's everything you're thinking he is. Don't worry about him; if he's interested - and most importantly, on your page - you'll know because he'll be contacting you again soon.

      In the meantime, keep living your own life and doing your own thing so that what he does or doesn't do is in the background of your life and doesn't occupy so much of your time and energy - although I know that's easier said than done! Remember, if he truly is that different from all the other guys you've dated, you'll know soon enough, Elizabeth. Try not to worry so much about the details; if it's meant to be, it will be - regardless of whether or not you contact him or not!

  57. Becky says

    Okay, SO i met this guy at a party, He asked for my number and i gave it to him. He called me the next day and asked me out on a date how come he hasn't tried contacting me sense then?

    • Jane says

      So many possible reasons, Becky; all of which have everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. Remember that you don't even know him well enough to know if you even want him calling you in the first place! Keep living your own life, continuing to consider yourself available and filling your time with the activities and people that you do know you want in your life. This way what he does or doesn't do, whether he calls or doesn't call doesn't become a bigger part of your life than it - and he - deserve to be at this point.

      You'll know soon enough what's going on with him, Becky, because you'll either hear from him or you won't. A guy who's truly interested and available for a relationship - and is looking to get to know you better - will always make sure you know. And that's what you are looking for - someone who's interested and available and wanting to get to know you better! Anything else isn't someone you want to hear from anyway!

  58. Gorgianna says

    Jane, I need some advice here. I have friend at work that introduced me to one of her family members. We seemed to really hit it off and at the end of the night he asked for my number I gave it to him of course. The following day he contacted me via text and asked me to go out with him. I declined and said that I dont go out with men via text. He apologized for this and then called me and and asked me out on a proper date. We made plans set a date and time and then talked for a few mins afterward on the phone then left it at that. Well I waited the next day and still didnt receive any word from him. What could possibly be going on that he hasn't contacted me at all?
    Any suggestions, comments and advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Jane says

      It could be any one of any number of things, Gorgianna. He might not have been comfortable with the boundary you set when you said you don't go out with men via text. Or he might not have been comfortable with that kind of direct communication with you in general. He also might have had something come up and hasn't had a chance to get back to you. The point is that this is about him, and not about you. Don't second guess yourself here; if he isn't comfortable with your response to his text - or whatever else it could be - you're so much better knowing this now!

      You set boundaries for a reason; to filter out someone who isn't on your page, who isn't compatible with the real you, and isn't worth your time and energy. The reality is that neither of you know each other well enough yet to know whether you are compatible, even if you seemed to hit it off when you first met, so consider this an important piece of information. He doesn't call to follow up. This is how you filter, Gorgianna, this is how you avoid wasting your time with someone who isn't on your page, who isn't compatible with you. If he calls and has a valid reason, or something else to say, then you know more, and with both pieces of information you can decide what you want to do from here.

      Now you are no longer the victim of whether or not someone calls you or not; now you are in control of who you allow in your life and who you don't. If we all set these types of boundaries early on in our dating relationships, we would not be sitting around wondering why he hasn't called, spending so much of our beautiful time and energy on someone who wasn't on the same page but instead, we'd be out living our lives with such greater confidence in ourselves, free of the rejection we feel every time we see it any other way!

  59. LC says

    Hi! Stumbled upon this page. Loved the article and thought maybe you could help me with my currrent situation. A month ago I travelled to another country to meet friends. My second night there i met her husband's friend. Amidst drinks we started talking and hit it off. My friends went to bed and we stayed up till dawn talking. Eventually hooked up. This kind of connection is extremely rare for me and the one night thing non existent. In the heat of the moment i thought I'd never see him again I really like him, this is rare live the moment and went for it. When he left he wrote his number on my phone with a msg that i didnt get. I asked he answered wished me good night. To my surprise I wake up to a sweet good morning txt. He was travelling so i wished him a good trip. He does the same to me. Talk about bad timing i would leave my friends to continue my trip before he came back and would return for one last night befor my plane left. During this time we would banter, send sexy cute msgs every couple of days. During my last night i wrote when i arrived He was playing a game and would call when he finished to meet up. My phone went dead and i got his msg too late. When i wrote back (after midnight) he had fallen asleep tired over his game. Day i leave i wake up to this info. We talk a bit and thats that. Cross contint flight later i see an msg wishing me a good flight hoping to see me back there or visit me. 6 days silence. I break the silence bc hed made it to semis so i said good luck. For the next couple of days bantering, i like your msgs, i llike you, mee too type txts ensue. 5 days silence. He initiates conv. Hes at his folks. We speak every couple of days. When i know hes due back i wish him a safe trip. Since im at the beach i send him a pic of the view. His response: i love this pic. It brings back memories. Kiss To which i responded dont make me blush. Due to time diff it was really late so i said gnight sweet dreams. Its been 5 days and nothing so jitters and nervousness have aken over. I have a pic of his i could send with the this brings memories caption mirroring his last msg. I can wait it out or i could forget about him (which i obvioulsy dont want to). If it was a fling why keep txting for 3 weeks? Sorry this has been so long. Wanted to be thorough. Any advice? THANKS

    • Jane says

      It really depends what you're looking for with him, LC. It is possible to have a fling and still keep texting because he enjoys the casual, friendly banter. It is also possible that he wants to keep his options open with you in case you meet up again. And then there is the possibility that he knows your connection was extremely rare - and special - to you, and he doesn't want to feel like a bad guy for leading you on if he's not interested in anything more than a fling. The reality is that any of these could be possible, as well as any other number of reasons. What matters is what you're comfortable with, if this is working for you. I completely understand the nervousness and jitters. It's so hard to wait for contact when you don't really know what's going on with him!

      Do what you need to do to find your peace here. To calm yourself and not let this waiting take over your beautiful life. Yes, if you give him space to come to you, you will find out how much space he's comfortable with, but if you find yourself feeling crazy by not knowing where things stand with the two of you, then there's nothing wrong with putting that out there. It won't change what was or wasn't already there, except to bring it out in the open quicker. Or you may not get an honest response if he isn't comfortable with being honest with you, or if he doesn't know himself what your encounter was to him and where he wants to go from here. But at least he will know where you stand, and sometimes, that is where we find our own peace - and that is what really matters here! - in being able to live without regret knowing we got something off our chests and let it be known where we're at.

      If you're not comfortable with that, if the thought of being direct with him doesn't bring you that sense of relief, then there's a reason for that, too. When in our hearts we don't feel safe to be vulnerable, to share how we really feel, to be our true selves, to let down our guards and stop pretending that we're ok with a casual arrangement when we're really not, these are all signs that he's probably not on the same page, that we know in our hearts that he's probably not looking for the same thing we are and it's best to let it be without letting our beautiful honest vulnerability all hang out.

      Trust your gut instinct here, LC. You know. And then make your own decision based on what you know will be best for you with that heart knowledge that you know is true. And remember, above all else, is this is meant to be something more, it will be, but only if both of you are on the same page and want the same thing and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You deserve nothing less than that, my beautiful friend, regardless of who he is or how much potential he shows. This is always about you!

      • LC says

        Thank you soooo much for your words. They do reassure me. I'm a firm believer in the if its meant to be it will be. I know I cant have any expectations over one meet and less still when you factor in the distance. I mean it cant even be a fling.. jejeje. Anyways, Maybe because of this distance I havent made myself too anxious and continued my life. I do find myself thinking a lot in the if we met under different circumstances, at least live in the same country etc things could have developped or whatever. I mean even during the trip we had bad timing.. Anyhow, lets just chalk it up to bad timing and experience. I think the sporadic confident flirty banter sounds nice. Go with the flow.. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe we will meet again, and then we'll see... :-)

  60. LC says

    Thank you soooo much for your words. They do reassure me. I'm a firm believer in the if its meant to be it will be. I know I cant have any expectations over one meet and less still when you factor in the distance. I mean it cant even be a fling.. jejeje. Anyways, Maybe because of this distance I havent made myself too anxious and continued my life. I do find myself thinking a lot in the if we met under different circumstances, at least live in the same country etc things could have developped or whatever. I mean even during the trip we had bad timing.. Anyhow, lets just chalk it up to bad timing and experience. I think the sporadic confident flirty banter sounds nice. Go with the flow.. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe we will meet again, and then we'll see... :-)

  61. Bee says

    Jane... I met this guy in the club when my girlfriends and I were on our getaway weekend. He approached me, confident but not evasive, we started talking and he handed out his business card. My girlfriends and I then joined his (and his friends' table) and we had a great fun. I texted him when I got back to hotel just to assure that he was okay since everyone was pretty tipsy in the end and there it begun... We exchanged text messages and e-mails and he didn't hesitate to make the move to call me; we shared good quality conversations and I thought I might come visit his city in near future (we live in neighbouring countries). Then POOF... Houdini... The last text I received from him was from one week ago saying "Sweet dreams..." I haven't been doing very well recently so I thought I would just shrug it off my shoulder and concentrate on resolving other more important issues, but I honestly think about him and I have been wondering about his whereabouts, or if there had been anything I said in the last conversation that turned him off --- it just feels awkward, Jane; this disappearing... I know you know that I'm dying to dial his number, but should I really do? Or was it just another good weekend clubbing for boys and he was actually trying to cut...? :-( In the meantime, thank you so much for the interesting articles you wrote, Jane... I can't stop reading them! :-)

    • Jane says

      Thanks for your kind words, Bee; I'm glad this is all resonating with you! If you haven't heard from him and it's been a week, there's something definitely going on with him that has nothing to do with you. Remind yourself that you really don't know him well enough to know if he's worth even giving him this much of your time and energy wondering about him; it's so new. And on the other hand, be glad you're finding this out now when it is so early, and not down the road when you're that much more invested in him.

      But of course, sine we all would like to believe he's simply misplaced our number or email - and can't figure out a way to get it again from his cell phone text records or email sent items - do what you have to do for yourself to give yourself peace of mind here. You're the one who has to live with your decisions and with as little regrets as possible, so if you really do need to dial his number for your own peace of mind, know that it really won't change what already is. You may get an answer, or you may not. But he's already where he's at and what you will get is a response to you initiating contact with him, whatever that brings out in him.

      I know it would be so much simpler if they just gave us some explanation before they disappeared, but that's probably why they're the type who disappear like this; they prefer it this way. Remember that, and that may help you move on to someone who you won't have to question, who you won't have to second-guess or spend all this time and energy thinking about. I so hear you - and every one of us who's been through this! :-)

      • Bee says

        Thank you so much for your reply, Jane... It's been a roller-coaster of period that I feel so fragile and lost (of course, not because of this Mr. Houdini --- but he did add up some ugly spice in it). I analyze what I actually experienced and I realize that I was feeling surprised since I have never been rejected by a man, let alone being pulled on with disappearance trick... But like the saying goes, "There'll always be the first time for everything." I wonder though, if there's anyway I can write you in private, Jane... :-( Thank you again and I wish you a great beginning of the week! HUGS!

        • Jane says

          I hear you, Bee; remember that this is his stuff, not yours, so don't make it yours. And you can contact me anytime using the contact form on the "contact" tab. I wish you a great beginning of your week, too! :-)

  62. mari says

    hello! Ok...heres my situation. I had a problem with an air conditioner and i called this company. When the air con tech showed up he was super cute and he recognize me from the gym where i used to go before it ran out of business. Anyway we called and text each other about the air conditioner for like a a week and then we started getting more personal. He told m he liiked me anx even invited me to go out when he got back from his vacation. i wished him a nice trip. The day of his trip he asked me if i had whatsapp and i didnt so i installed it. He said he loved seeing my picture when he texted. So i sent him another picture which he loved. Then he sent me bunch of pictures and i told him i liked one of his the best and that he was very cute. after that i havent heard from him!! it has been 3 days and nothing. The day before yesterday i sent him a text saying hope u r having lots of fun and no answer. i havent texted him back. Anyways...what should i do if when he comes back tomorrow contacts me. Should i answer
    right away? I mean i think it was rude that he never answered my last text message. I might have been too avaable. ..i dont know. he said we were going out when he got back. Should i or should i make him wait. .why are men so confusing???

    • Jane says

      Playing games always makes things more confusing, Mari. If you want to play hard to get, be hard to get, instead. You didn't do anything wrong here. If one little thing can turn him off, then it's far better you find this out now.

      Keep in mind that if he's on vacation, he may be out enjoying himself and not be thinking about being back in touch with you until he's back - or he may not have great cell phone reception where he is. Those aren't excuses, just some reality points to consider before you get yourself worked up about his lack of a response to your text. I would be yourself with him; if you're excited he's back, there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, someone who's right for you will be glad you're excited to see him and will be as excited to see you, too!

      But keep it all in perspective, Mari; you've just met this guy - you really don't know him well enough to know if he's even worth your time and energy! If he's worth getting to know, you'll find this out as you get to know him better. So if he doesn't call or text, remember that. You only want someone who's on the same page as you and wants what you want with you!

      • mari says

        Thank u soooo much! Its true...and i hate these little games. If he is like that im better off alone :) you are soooo right. I kept reading about men like to chase women and that i shouldnt be too a available which i dont think i was. Playing these littles games to me is so inmature. So ill just see what happens when he gets back. Ill be myself! Thanks again are great!

  63. Jasmine says

    Hi, Jane,...Actually, I am facing with one problem with my guy. We are friends since high school and university but we didn't talk each other and didn't have much contact. All the things happen after uni. We let out of our country and live in different place. He first contact me from facebook and then we talked together sometimes from gtalk or about one yr. We have been busy with our own work and just sometimes talked in gtalk and later viber and whatsapp. Previously, he usually first sent me message what I am doing, how is my days and things like that. He always encourage me in my down time and the same to him. He sent me sms nearly everyday and we talked alot this and that, family, work and future plan as well. He always takes care of me and sent me sms whenever I felt sick. This had been happening for about 1yrs. He admitted that he has ex girlfriend but they fell apart which is about the same period that he first contacted to me. I also talked about him the guys who is chasing to me and always asks him what to do because I don't like them and he gave me advice. But things are not like that about 6-8months ago, he didn't send me sms first. I always need to send sms and asked him all the things. But once I send text to him, he always reply and talked alot most of the time if we are not busy. I really don't like to contact him first but I want to talk to him all the time and that's why, I sent sms once or twice per week and he always reply and respond well. He is now studying phd and I know he will be busy but there shouldn't be time time to send short sms. Previously, when i visited to his place, he took day off and went around with me or went to cinema or had dinner together after work. But when I last visited to him, he didn't do like that (he also knows that I am always busy with my family because my family is living the same country he lives and I live in different country).

    When these things happen, I am wondering that did i contact to him alot or did i do anything wrong or does he get not over his ex..i don't know,. It is too frustrating to me. I like this guy and don't know what to do next. Please give me advice what is the best way I should do or shouldn't. Thank you so much for your kind advice.

    Best Regards,

    • Jane says

      You didn't do anything wrong, Jasmine. With the right guy who's on the same page as you and is looking for the same thing in a relationship as you are, you can't do anything wrong. You're being yourself! It could be that you're noticing a change in him because of any one of the reasons you mentioned or it could be any number of other things as well. Trying to figure him out will only drive you crazy, though, my beautiful friend.

      I would shift the focus to you, and what you're looking for. If you want someone who makes you a priority and wants to have as much contact with you as you want with him, then you need to decide if he's that guy. Is he worth it? Only you know the answer to that, Jasmine, because it's different for everyone. You can come right out and talk to him about all this directly to see where he stands, or you can give him the space he seems to be comfortable with and see if he comes to you while you focus on you and living your own life independent of him. It might be timing - with him focusing on his schooling - or it might be something else.

      But you deserve to be happy! So do what you need to do for you, do what brings you the most happiness, and don't worry that you're missing out if he's not on the same page as you. If someone's right for you, you'll always know because they'll make sure you know they're interested, they'll show you by both their words and their actions that they want to be in a relationship with you, and you'll never find yourself wondering what's going on. Real love is just never complicated!

  64. Sarah says

    Hello Jane. It was very refreshing reading your article and reading other people's questions. I have my own question for you.
    I met a guy online, it started off as just a few emails backwards and forwards before he asked me for my number, which I gave him. We've chatted for good two weeks, and he's said that he'd like to meet me. I said "sounds great". Since then, he's called me twice on two different nights but I was unable to take the calls due to being busy. I sent him a text message after the last time I missed his call, saying could we give it a go the next day. Nothing, I have not heard anything from him, and I'm puzzled because he seemed nice and interested and now he won't even text me. Did my not answering the calls put him off, even though I told him why, or is he waiting for me to call?
    Your advice would be so helpful!!!!!

    • Jane says

      On the off chance that he might not have gotten your text, Sarah, there's nothing wrong with giving him a call to let him know you saw he called twice but you weren't able to take his calls, but you are available to talk now. With that kind of simple, direct communication, you'll find out whether he just didn't get your text of if he's had a change of heart about meeting up. It doesn't change anything to contact someone, what's there is already there; it simply gives you the peace of mind to know what's going on. And if he doesn't respond, well, that gives you some more information about him, too.

      But more importantly, the fact that you have a life - and that you really were busy when he called - is huge, Sarah. Because now, what he does or doesn't do doesn't really matter because you've only just met him. If he isn't on your page - and can be turned off or change his mind about you simply because you were too busy to take his calls - then you are so much better off knowing this now then down the road when you're that much more invested.

      It's always about what brings you the greatest sense of calm with the least amount of regret, my beautiful friend. And if it's meant to be, you'll find that none of these little details matter.

  65. Carli says

    Hello Jane,
    Thank you so much for writing this article. You're article put me at ease and was very informative.
    I met this wonderful man online. Im a 30 y.o. female that was raised old fashioned so this is a new experience all around for me. This man and I exchanged a few emails and eventually exchanged numbers for better communication. He asked me to meet him for dinner and I agreed. We met at a lovely new restaurant and to my surprise i wasnt the least bit nervous. We had a lot of unusual things in common and had great chemistry. Before leaving the restaurant, he mentioned he would be going out of town for a week but would love to see me when he got back. I agreed and we went our seperate ways. I was about to pull in my driveway, elated that our date had gone so well, and looked down at my phone to find a text he had sent. He mentioned, again, he had an amazing time and reiterated that he couldn't wait to see me when he got back.
    It has been 2 wks. since our date and I haven't heard from him. I'm assuming, after what he mentioned, that he has already returned from his trip. I'm feeling guilty since I haven't made the first attempt to text or a call him since our date. I guess I had assumed that he would have called me to schedule a date by now. Im an independant person, ive stayed busy and tried to keep it out of mind but I really like this guy. That never happens! I'm disappointed he hasn't reached out. Have I made a major mistake by playing it TOO cool and not showing enough interest? Should I have been a little more obvious about my excitement for a second date? If he isn't interested, I could probably handle that and move on but I find that so hard swallow after such an amazing night. Should I just move on with my amazing life and assume he knows how to use a phone?

    • Jane says

      It's so hard to understand why someone doesn't call when he says he will, Carli - and especially after his last text to you. But try not to take any of this personally; there are a million reasons why someone doesn't call, and the bottom line is it doesn't matter. You only want someone who's interested enough in you to call you! It doesn't make any sense because of him, not because of you! So yes, I would definitely move on with your amazing life and assume he knows how to use a phone - yes, he does!

      But what's more important than him, is you and your sense of peace and calm and ability to move on without second guessing yourself and thinking you did anything wrong. You didn't! You didn't make any kind of mistake by playing it cool - that obviously didn't keep him from texting you to let you he had an amazing time with you, so he shouldn't have a problem texting you now that he's back. And I have a feeling if you had been really excited and shown lots of interest in him, you'd be second guessing yourself about that. The point is, you have to be yourself - whatever that looks like - because if you try to be what you think will get you that call back, you'll drive yourself crazy!

      So since this is about you and not him, do what you need to do for you, Carli. If you need to check in with him to say "hi", know that it won't change anything. He is where he's at and a phone call or text from you isn't going to change that. It's entirely up to you.

      • Carli says

        Thank you, Jane, for taking the time to respond. I probably couldve saved myself a lot of worry if I had just taken the advice you had already given to the ladies in the previous emails. I already knew the answer but for some reason, as a woman, I have to beat myself over the head with it a few times before it finally sinks in. Why do we beat ourselves up over this stuff!! Oh well!! Thanks again!

        • Jane says

          Don't be so hard on yourself, Carli; we all want to believe that our own situation is somehow unique, and we're the exception. You're in great company! :-)

  66. Sarah says

    Hey Jane -

    thanks for this article. It was somewhat helpful but i have a question that's a little different. Lets say in the beginning the guy always called you and always wanted to do hings together.. and now, a year and a half later, he never calls! I always have to call him. and when i text him, he doesn't really reply either. He says that's just the way he is, and he is the same way with most of his friends (and his friends do tell me he rarely answers their calls or texts). but when i talk to him about how it bothers me, he just tells me that's the way he is and to stop bothering him about it. Tell me, what approach should i use to get him to maybe call me or think of me once in a while. I'm getting so tired of chasing..

    • Jane says

      Then I would stop chasing him, Sarah. I would give him some space and see what he does with it. If he doesn't fill in that space with himself - by calling you, by initiating with you, by generally showing you by his actions that he's capable of giving you what you want - then you have a very clear picture of what his terms are in your relationship. You have to be ok with his terms, too, my beautiful friend. This isn't a one-sided relationship. Remember that you always teach someone how to treat you by how you allow them to treat you. You're the one in control of that! If he isn't listening to your words, show him by your actions. You never have to settle for any behavior that doesn't work for you, Sarah; you just have to decide what it's worth to you.

  67. Kerry says

    Hello, Jane. Thank for your articles, support and the attention that you pay to your readers. How very kind of you. I would also like an "ear" if you do not mind.

    I had been talking to this guy on a discussion board and things went badly after starting great, we stopped. He was coming home (was In a Foreign country when we started). In any case, I left home to go to school in a different country. On his birthday, I sent him a simple happy birthday message, at that time it had been a while since we spoke. Replied back seeming so happy and plenty surprised that I remembered, told me he had come home, gave me his number, joking that I owed him a meal (something I had said back when we were talking). I emailed back with my number, told him I had left the country, but hevcould call if he wanted etc. He sounded quite disappointed that I had left because he had told me that he might be coming home, yet never made any concrete indications. Asked me to download a free calling app for my phone. Eventually I did and told him I had it, so he started texting me and we would chat for very long, seemingly effortlessly. He tried to call but I was scared and pretended I couldn't hear him. I just got scared to talk, I don't know why. So we kept chatting everyday. Hw would seek me out for chat in the mornings and evenings. The chat progressed along so quickly, we were talking about what we both want in a mate etc, he kept telling me that he really really liked me, looks were not important, even said he had a distinct feeling that I might be "the one". At one point we talked about meeting sometime before the next eight months that ill be here (before I go home). First he was so enthusiastic, ready to jump on a plane, then the next day he told me that he had been involved in quite a few long distance relationships and wasn't keen on another one. Then I totally backed off after a harsh comment he made (asking me why I was treating this like a relationship when we hadn't even met), I told him I didn't mean to give the impression/apologized for unintentionally pressuring him, and that there would be no more talk about the two of us meeting, we could just be pen pals etc he wrote back saying I was overreacting again, that's not what he meant, he likes me but just wants us to keep the difficulty of distance in mind. When he texted next day, I did not answer as usual, I waited till very late and only said goodnight when I was going to sleep and nothing more. Then the next day he didn't contact me. The day after, I had calmed down, decided to call him, let him know I was free for chatting that day. He texted me and we ended up talking all day till late at night. Like 5 hours or more. We talked about everything. About our misunderstandings before even from over at the board, why we had stopped talking, we talked about his hesitation with LDR's, even asked about what sort of family I want etc. it was one of the best conversations I've ever had and at the end, my intuition was telling me he might be a candidate for a future partner since he fit almost too well with all the things I want in a guy. I told him so in a joking manner, that so far, he fit a little too perfectly with what I always thought I wanted in a man and he told me that the thought was mutual. Throughout the chatting over the previous days, he has insisted that as long as a woman is not obese, he generally didn't put too much stock in her looks and mostly cared about personality and that looking at me and my faults, he thought the good far outweighed the bad and was very sure that he already liked me. The fault he's talking about is my impatience and short temper which he says can make me go crazy sometimes. He told me about his faults as well, and sounded like he regretted telling them to me when I was a little slow in responding, but the conversations generally felt open and genuine, even accepting, though we haven't met.

    Now after that, there was a tragedy in my country, some hijacking of a public building. He didn't text me all day which I found a little off, because I had initiated it previously when I told him I was available for chatting and we had ended up talking all day. When I found out about the tragedy, I was calling home to make sure everyone I knew was fine because it involved over a thousand people. Later that day I sent a text through the app (not phone) telling him about the tragedy and asking if he was ok. I could see the message had not been read all day, I had sent it t around 4 pm. So I didn't want to text or call even though a part of me wondered if he might have been caught up in that tragedy. At around 10.30 pm, he texted me on my phone (the message on the app still showed it hadn't been read) telling me he was in that building and asking for prayers! I was so shocked. A part of me wondered if he might be making it all up for attention or as an excuse not to talk to me that weekend. However, throughout our talking, via email, text and the discussion board where we met, he had never struck me as a liar. I just thought it odd that he would think to text ME in such a situation when I wasn't family and we hadn't physically met yet. I almost didn't reply back, but the thought in my mind was "what if it's true?" Since he did live not too far from that building? So I texted him telling him I wouldn't sleep or stop praying till he was out. Early next morning he told me he was still in it, scared he might die in there. It just felt so incredible, a part of me kept thinking I was being taken for a ride, but why lie about such? I remember thinking that if this wasn't true then he must be a psychopath to make me go through that. Eventually I sent him a text telling him I had prayed for him at church and to please let me know when he came out. So that day, sometime later, he told me he was out. I waited about two hours and told him I was relieved for him and his family, happy he was ok and wished him luck. Sometime later, he texted me telling me about the experience, telling me how traumatized he felt. I could see he wanted to talk about it because after a few texts back and forth, he moved to the app and we talked about it for a while, him finally saying he had to go to sleep and that we should talk later. At that time he mentioned that he had been there in the building with a woman friend and both came out unharmed. I tried to be supportive but I admit throughout I still had the thought in the back of my mind that it was all too incredible to be true. So two days went by and he did not call. I thought the whole thing is a lie, he just wanted an excuse to stop talking. I got rid of his messages and contacts on my phone. But then I had this thought last night, telling me to just assume that it was true. What if it was true? I wondered. What would be the appropriate behavior on my part if it was all true? I felt certain that if I didn't doubt this whole thing like I did and thought it was actually true, I would send a text just to see how he was doing. So I found his number from the old email and texted him, how are you? Wanting to know if he was doing ok after that weekend. We talked for an hour though I had intended it to be only a short exchange. He said that the men who rescued him had died and that he was devastated. (How could all this happen to him? Seriously? Is this 100% true?) Eventually, I told him I had a lot of work to do this week (all true), wished him well and told him I was here if wanted to talk. That is when I found out that he has been going to work. I had assumed that he would be home or whatever, just recovering. So I regretted reaching out, because the man is apparently fine and would have reached out to me if he wanted to talk to me. I got rid of the contacts and messages (again!) and the email too so that I wouldn't change my mind and end up reaching out to him again after that. So that was last night. I'm writing this in the morning.

    What is strange is that when we are texting for hours it all feels so easy and natural and pleasant. When we are not, I just have this thought that I'm being made a fool of. What do you think about all this, Jane? Sorry for the extended details. How do you think I should act from now on? Where did I make mistakes? I am embarrassed to talk about this to anyone at home since it seems like a joke to them because we met online and have not yet met.

    Thank you, kerry

    • Jane says

      I would give him some space and see what he does with it, Kerry. Does he come your way? Does he reach out and contact you? Or do you hear nothing from him and the space remains the same? You didn't make any mistakes. You didn't do anything wrong. When someone sends some mixed signals like this, and then when your instincts are picking up on something that's causing you to question his honesty, there's clearly something amiss here even if you're not sure exactly what it is. It sounds like he's confused as to what he wants from you, and it sounds like you're not sure what you feel for him either.

      The best way to be from here on, Kerry, is to remember that you really don't know him that well, that in many ways, he's still a stranger to you, and that although it can feel so good to jump in and get so emotionally involved with someone who you seem to connect with over the phone or through email, there really is no substitute for getting to know someone in a real place, in real life, where you can gradually see them in the course of the day to day, the living of their own life. So take it slow, know that if you're both on the same page and want the same thing with each other, eventually, you'll meet in person, you'll get to know each other more, and you'll have a relationship that will be everything you both want. But if he's not there, if you're both not on the same page, if he's not worthy of you and all that you have to offer someone who is right for you, then nothing else will matter.

      Don't be embarrassed, Kerry. It's so easy to get caught up in the excitement of someone who seems like everything you've been looking for - I don't think any one of us hasn't been there! But know that a real relationship always takes time - including time spent together getting to know each in person. Take your time, keep talking to him if you want to, but remember to keep living your own life and making yourself the priority in the process. In time, you'll find out what's really going on with him, but in that time, remember that this is your life and it's always up to you to decide what you want that to look like, my beautiful friend.

      • Kerry says

        Thank you, Jane.

        That was so fast!

        I think you are 100% right. I really don't know him, and though I can't quite put my finger on it, something about this whole story Perhaps it's my issue, but more likely, his. In any case, he seems to ignore me now. It's been two days since we spoke and he has not reached out.

        You know what? I was tempted to be depressed about it, wondering what's wrong with me that this happens to me always, but I had a change of mind. I recalled how happy I was when things were good between us and decided that for once, instead of taking the bad and discarding the good, I would do the opposite. I'm keeping all the affection and love I felt from that interaction and throwing away all the distress I felt. I don't have to be angry about it.

        As I thought about it, I realized that I enjoyed him so much because he made me feel loved for my inner self and not my outer qualities; he made me feel good about certain aspects of my personality that I used to be ashamed of and looked down upon, he liked them about me; he made me feel OK about who I am by embracing my faults and not making me feel bad about them. He has taught me or reminded me that the right person will be fine with me just as I am. I don't have to regret his coming into my life like I usually do, as if I was unlucky to meet him, or ashamed that I felt what I felt. I am glad for the love he shared with me for a time and the happiness it gave me, and I take him and the experience as a gift from God to me to remind me that I am lovable.

        These thoughts diffused my ensuing depression and the grudge I was beginning to develop toward him. I am taking your advise and carrying on with my life, as he seems to have moved on. If he was to be mine, he would be and that is up to providence and likewise, if he belongs to someone else, then I am glad we taught each other something that will help us in our respective futures.

        Thank you for being my virtual girlfriend and lending an understanding ear to me and my issues.


        • Jane says

          Love the way you put this, Kerry. It's so beautiful to see how it changes everything when you realize you can choose to look at this differently then you would have in the past, to instead decide that this time you're "keeping all the affection and love I felt from that interaction and throwing away all the distress I felt. I don't have to be angry about it."

          So inspiring, my beautiful friend. And so empowering to realize that it's you who decides that you're lovable; it's you who chooses to see that this isn't about him and what any him thinks about you. This is about you realizing who you are, how much you have to offer, and how beautiful it can be when you see that you're doing the choosing, you're deciding what you want to allow in your life, and you're able to take the gifts of all your experiences for the gifts they truly are. I'm always here for you, Kerry, I'm honored to be your "virtual" girlfriend! :-)

          • Kerry says

            Hi, Jane. Me again! So, this guy sent me a text, saying that I've been rather quite. That's six days since the last time we spoke. Remember, I was the one that initiated last, asking if he was doing ok after the tragic weekend. I don't know how to respond. Should I just ignore it?

            I don't know if I'll ever go back to the same place I was. The picture I now have of him has changed. He pulled the disappearing act before in Feb, but I let it go coz it was mostly my fault. I had loads of issues back then. (My hot temper, and lots of personal issues). But this time I just find it unforgivable for him to do that right after an intense bonding time with me, leading me on, it feels like, or wasting my time or lying to me/playing a game when he knew I was taking it seriously. Is he playing games with my head?

            I thought the tragic weekend may have justified the distancing at first, but one week? After we were talking every day sometimes twice a day and for hours at a time? If he had just texted me to say, hey, I'm busy this week, can't chat. Lets talk later etc. That would've been fine. But to do just go quiet as if it was nothing? I now have a feeling because of this act after what I thought was great talking, that had we met as previously planned, he would've been the type to sleep with me and take off. I don't do that (sleep around) but who knows? If I did would he have done that to me, disappear without a word after a bonding or intimate period? Isn't it inconsiderate? I was sure that he met someone he wanted to pursue a relationship with back home, a more serious prospect (remember he had told me he wasn't eager for LDRs? And that was why he was silent); now I think he's either bored or has nobody at the moment and wants to use me for an ego-stroking chat session. Because its like how can we talk for hours and hours about what we are looking for in a partner, our strengths and faults, our good and bad habits, our back-grounds, our beliefs and values, what we want for ourselves in future in terms of a family, tell each other that we both think that so far, we fit in well with our ideas of the partner we are looking for and so much more, only for him to go AWOL on me like that?

            And he's not even attempting an explanation or an apology. I know I'm not his girl-friend; we haven't even met for God's sake, but I think that even for an online, long-distant "prospect", I can expect a little more than that. Is that too demanding? Is it ok for him to send such a simple text after so much silence that I never expected him to text again? And to add, I was chatting on the board (where we met) over the weekend and throughout last week, and he came on there a few times to make a few posts about his experience in that tragedy, talked to other members. I stayed away from him.

            Now, I have the problem of letting my thoughts get away from me, imagining all sorts of scenarios, sometimes reading too much into non-issues, sometimes reading too little in real issues that many times I don't know if I'm over-reacting, under-reacting, or generally what my attitude should be about such things. What do you think, Jane?

            • Jane says

              Yes, you can expect more than that, Kerry, and no, you're not being unreasonable! And of course I remember you! :-) This is your life and what you want from someone who you want to be involved with is entirely up to you to determine. But at the same time, the reality is that he is going to be who he is, and do what he wants to do regardless of whether he "should" behave this way or not. It's all about what you can and can't live with, my beautiful friend, and what your terms are for your interactions with him. You don't have to do anything here, that doesn't feel "right" to you. You absolutely shouldn't do anything that you don't feel comfortable with! And the bottom line is that regardless of what you do or don't do - whether you respond to his text or not - it doesn't really matter in the long run. If he really wants to pursue something further with you, he'll figure out a way to be a little more clear or direct with you or he'll keep trying to communicate with you until he knows for sure you're not interested. We have such a honest tendency to overthink so much of this, that we can forget just how simple this can really be.

              What I would suggest is that you approach this from the viewpoint that remembers that you are a beautiful, confident, intelligent, desirable woman with so much to offer someone who is worthy of you. So if this is you - and it is! - then how does that woman want to respond? He's not worth a response just to tell him how you think he should be behaving; that kind of thing will go right over his head because he clearly isn't thinking there's anything wrong with texting you so casually after this much time has passed. So ask yourself what you want here. Do you want to maintain some kind of contact with him, some kind of casual banter or something along those lines, or do you want to ask him what's going on? Or are you ready to be done with him and just ignore his text or come out and tell him that you're not interested in this type of casual communication and wish him well? Listen to your own heart, trust your gut instincts about this guy that you haven't even met yet, like we last talked about, and decide for yourself what you're comfortable with and what gives you the least amount of regrets with the greatest sense of peace.

              You're not missing out on anything whatever you decide, Kerry. When two people are right for each other, it's simple. They're on the same page, they want the same thing and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, and it happens naturally without drama, without push and pull types of behaviors, and without feeling like it's a one-time offer that you have to take someone up on or forever wonder what might have been. There are no rules; there is no script. Just you coming from a place that honors and respects that beautiful woman who knows her worth and accepts nothing less than someone who knows her worth, too!

          • Kerry says

            Hi, Jane. I'm replying here because I can't find the 'reply' button at the end of your last post to me.

            Thank you so much for your kind words. Again, how right you are! I waited till I felt ok texting him (about 3 days later) before I did. I sent a very casual text greeting him and signing off. I thought it was the best thing to do because thinking back through our interaction, he didn't really leave me hanging without a reply when I did text him. So I thought a simple casual, neutral text message wasn't too much.

            I've been somewhat happier (with the distance) because now I feel I can start to reason again like a sober person. I realize I had started a strange affair with my phone! Haha! Until I meet this man, he is just my phone talking back to me. I'm glad for the distance, it's been refreshing. I want to be more open to real friendships with men where I am right now. This guy, even if some kinda friendship starts up again in future, I want to keep in my head, is just an e-quaintance.

            Everything you said in your post was so right. The confident, intelligent, desirable woman in me wants me to be more engaged in my own life where I'm at, so that's what I'll do.

            Thanx again!

            • Jane says

              You really do know what to do, Kerry; even if it doesn't almost seem like you do. And how beautiful it is for you to recognize the reality that without even meeting this person face to face, all you've really got is this "strange affair" with your phone. :-) Keep your sense of humor and you will find this all so much easier. We can do so much damage to our hearts and souls when we stay so heavy and forget that true love is always light and easy - and yes, that includes as much of a sense of humor as possible!

          • Kerry says

            Hi, Jane. My goodness, I'm just all over the place. I just wanted you to know that I think it's all resolved now. After my simple text, the guy sent a text a day after, seeming like he was questioning ME on my scarcity, talk about shifting blame? So I waited till the next day and texted him saying I was glad he was fine, hope to chat later and goodbye. That was yesterday. By today, he had not replied. I don't want to play this silly little game anymore. I called him today morning to tell him I will be very busy with school the whole month, (all true), so the chatting will not be on. He didn't pick up. I then sent a text saying I had called but seems he might still be sleeping, wished him a happy day and told him I would be very busy etc, and that he seems to have become very busy as well in the last week, so it's both of us, happy weekend etc. He then sends a text right after telling me "it was nice to hear from me", that he was down with a massive flu and wishing me the best in my exams. I have gotten rid of his number from my phone and the phone app I was using to talk to him. I don't think I will be hearing from him again and I'm sick of being in limbo with anyone at all or a man who clearly expects to be chased. I will now concentrate fully on my own life and friends where I'm at. It has put me off online "connections" for sure, I don't think I'll be trying that again anytime soon.

            I hope you're not sick of me, by now Jane.


            • Jane says

              I couldn't ever be sick of you, Kerry. :-) I love hearing your updates, how you're discovering this on your own, seeing the truth of the reality of this as you go through it - this is how we all learn! - by asking the questions, by thinking about our answers and by slowly coming to see what's really there, what's really going on, and then standing up for ourselves and realizing just how much we deserve and how futile it is to be with someone who isn't on your page, who doesn't want the same thing! So many of us - myself included! - have to dragged kicking and screaming through some of these experiences over and over again until one day, that little bit of light gets through, and we finally have enough and say so. But how we get there, and what that road looks like, is as unique as we are. The irony is always that it's only when you refuse to settle for anything less than you deserve, that that's exactly what you find.

  68. blue says

    glad I stumbled across this. At a place where I am living my real life. Fresh from a petty break up, I was a little angry, missed him incredibly, wanted to call him..... and I did!! Soo glad I did as I was true to myself and I needed to clear the air on some things. I surprised myself even more when i heard myself cutting to the chase and placing my cards on the table. Here's the thing, I'm over the do's and don'ts ( that didn't work for me in the past anyway) I figure, be real, be true, don't give all of me away, and I will come out okay, no matter what happens. Its refreshing to read this !!
    Thank you.

    • Jane says

      So glad this resonated with you, Blue, and you were able to figure out the most important thing of any of this; being true to yourself! :-)

  69. BrokenHeart says

    I broke up with a guy last week, we've been together for 3 months but it was very intense. He fell in love with me first time he saw me, but his situation was a little complicated. He was in the middle of a breakup (or said so), he was still living with his ex because she's highly dependent on him, and because of financial reasons.
    I know he loved me, and that he wanted to move out of this situation, he put pressure on me at first to move with him, and start a family although he was still financially not stable.
    I had strong feelings for him, but I refused because it was too early, and even though I don't doubt he's sincere when he says it, I'm not sure he will still feel the same after a couple of months.
    He talked me into accepting the current situation until he finds a solution. I said yes at first, but then quickly changed my mind because I found myself in the awful position of the other woman and I couldn't stand that!
    I broke up over mail, because I had this talk with him face to face several times before, and he always convinced me that he loves me, and if I love him, I should trust him and wait..
    I also deleted him from facebook, and sent a message to tell him that I care for him, but that he needs to sort his situation first. He didn't answer. I tried to call, and texted him once after that, and he didn't answer either.
    I think I made the right decision, but it still hurts so much! I haven't been sleeping in a week, and I don't know what to do. I would appreciate any piece of advice, thank you!

    • Jane says

      Don't doubt yourself, my beautiful friend. You did the right thing! You know this, too, in your heart, even though it doesn't feel like it when you're going through the hurt and the doubts set in. We've all been there, BH!

      Be so proud of yourself that you knew, that you stood up for your beautiful self, that you refused to buy into the idea that there can ever be a scarcity of love. You knew you deserved so much more that than being "the other woman". Someone who truly loves you won't change his mind after a couple of months. You were wise not to trust him until he's shown you that he's worthy of that trust - and that always takes time.

      Comfort yourself by remembering that if someone is right for you, BH, and the two of you are truly compatible, this will always work out in the end, but only if both of you are on the same page - and not with anyone else! - and want it to be. You'll always know because you'll be with someone willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen - including cutting ties with his ex before pursuing something with you! Time and space don't have anything on someone who truly wants to be with you!

  70. Bridget says

    Hey i feel kinda weird doing this cos i barely tell anyone anything but i went to a friends party last night and what started as innocent conversation with her brother, ended up in hours of bonding and cuddling and also kissing. We basically spent the rest of the night by each others side and we both said we liked each other. We also had a bit to drink which i know can confuse things. We got a cab together and we gave each others numbers and as soon as i got out of the cab and started walking towards my house he called me and asked me if he should've walked me to my door which i thought was very sweet. He then added me on Facebook seconds after. We got along really well and i have a really good feeling about him. He hasn't contacted me today but i figured if he doesn't within the next 2 days, i'll just contact him myself.

    It would be great if you could give me your point of view on this. Thank You!

    • Jane says

      It really depends on whether you want to know if he's interested in you enough to contact you, Bridget, or whether you're ok with doing the initiating to start things off. It's always much easier for someone to simply respond, then to initiate, so by letting him be the initiator, you'll find out where he stands right away. Sometimes what seems like the beginning of something with great potential, is simply a single night of interest, so guard your own beautiful heart here as the most important thing. Whatever his level of interest, don't take any of this personally. Sometimes people just aren't on the same page and looking for the same thing; it's never a rejection, it's simply a reality check and not anything about you! But don't wait around for him to contact you; keep living your own life and going about doing what makes you happy so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much as you do!

  71. Lost in Love says

    Hey Jane, I'd really appreciate some advice on my current situation. I met this guy over a year ago. I was in a long-term relationship at the time and for awhile after, but I am not anymore. However, because of everything that happened in that relationship, I am not at all tempted to go back. So I started dating the guy that I'd had a little bit of a crush on. I started flirting with him after someone mentioned that he liked me. We've gone out 3 times and he's always a total gentleman. He's kind of shy and quiet so I've been more up-front than I usually am about how I feel, only I haven't exactly communicated it with words. I did ask him out on our last date though and I thought it went really well. We talked a little the day after, but now it's been a week since we've talked. He's not big on texting and never has been. He's never on his phone. However, I don't know whether or not I should break the silence and keep acting interested and friendly or if I should step back and wait. I want to do the right thing, but I really do like him and I don't want to assume anything. Everyone says that if he's not calling/texting, then he's not that into you. Well, I'm into him and I haven't been calling or texting either. If I'm looking at this the wrong way - please tell me. Thank you!

    • Jane says

      Give him some space and see what he does with it, LiL. It's always so much easier for someone to simply respond to your call or text, rather than initiating themselves, so let him come to you. You've initiated enough with him that he knows where you stand, so now it's a matter of where he stands. If he isn't on the same page as you, and doesn't reach out to you to fill that space you give him, don't take it personally or as a rejection of you.

      If he's not there, if he isn't looking for what you want, it's always better to find this out early on before you've invested any more of your time and energy and beautiful you on someone who isn't there. After all, you really don't him that well enough yet to know if you're even compatible in the ways that really matter!

  72. Macie says

    I have a crush on a guy and we have played a rollercoaster game with each other for a year now. I'm at the point I just can't deal anymore and have to let go and move on. Here is a breakdown of the story. Before I even explain here is a little background on the guy. He is 32 and single. When we started flirting he had only been single one month. The relationship before him he was cheated on. Now he has a bad taste in his mouth about relationships. Here is what happened:

    One year ago I was out at a local restaurant/bar in town that I normally go to pretty frequently. I live in a fairly small town so most people know each other. I was out with a girlfriend and it was a very slow night we were just getting a few drinks after work. The owner of the place we were at was standing at the edge of the bar and he started talking to me a little bit. I knew who he was just from seeing him around but we had never really spoken much before. The only thing I can vaguely remember about him is a while back I remember thinking I saw him checking me out on two different occasions. He always had a girlfriend and I never thought anything of it. So as I'm out that night with my friend I started to feel a connection with the guy. Something I never feel with the guys around town. This felt like something different, it felt like there was someone out there that I finally had some things in common with and that might be on the same page as me. We are both local business owners of popular businesses in town and we were able to connect on some of the same views with business in our town. It was refreshing. I left and didn't think about him much after that night till a few weeks later his friend starts mentioning to him and wants to set us up. I thought wow he was feeling what I was feeling that night. I think it scared me a little to be honest but after a few months I decided I would give it a try because I had noticed him coming around me some when out. We started hanging out very casually out in public (enough that people knew we were starting to get to know eachother). He asked me for my number on a Sunday and asked if I was working that day. I said no its my only day off and I have no plans. He said all I'm going to be doing is laying on my couch watching tv when I get off he said call me. Well I am very conservative and I guess you would say old school and traditional and I just feel like the guy should call so I said no you call me. That whole day I kept thinking he would and then he didn't. I was disappointed. The next time I saw him I asked him to come with me to a wedding that weekend. I go to a wedding at least once a month if not more. I never ask people to go but I thought he would be someone fun to take. His initial response was yes. He asked the normal details like who, what, when, where etc. and asked if it was ok if he wore his suspenders. I thought that was cute I was like of course! He drove me to my car that same night and wanted me to go home with him. I told him no. I told him I felt like I was having to do all of the work. He said "All I do is work". I said I understand that (being that I also own my own business and work so much). I got a little aggravated and said Im going home just let me know about the wedding. The next day he told me he wasn't going to go and that's when it all went down hill. For the past year now it has been off and on, off and on..I know he still thinks about me. I know he still likes me. He always tries to bring girls around to make me jealous. He has said things to me about guys before if I talk to them. THERE ARE SO MANY stories I could tell you about him inserting himself into my conversations and my general area and the people I am friends with. He knows I have been mad and disappointed. Every time I give a little in hopes he will not mess up it's like he backs away once things start to get to going right. I feel like he is scared to let something happen with us. The only answer he will ever give me is that it's just bad timing .. that he doesn't do relationships. I am emotionally drained from trying to figure this guy out. If you need me to tell more in depth stories about the things he has been doing I'd be glad to so you can understand better. I have tried backing away and giving him his space many times but if he can tell I have backed away he does something so that I don't move on. He gives just enough to keep me interested because I feel like he doesn't want to lose me completely but he just knows that he is not ready. Also keep in mind we have never had sex. I knew better than to let that happen because I could tell he was in a weird spot.

    • Jane says

      It sounds emotionally draining, Macie! No wonder you're having such a hard time moving on; he gives you just enough to keep you hoping and hanging on, believing in that beautiful heart of yours that the next time might be different. It's a rollercoaster ride that only you can end, my beautiful friend. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this, for knowing on some level what's really going on, even if your heart wants to see things differently. You know. There's a reason you knew you weren't ready to put yourself through the heartbreak of being intimate with someone who isn't there on the same page as you are, no matter how much he might give you mixed signals.

      Believe him when he says "it's just bad timing" or "that he doesn't do relationships". These are his choices he's making. If he was there, if he wanted it to be the right timing or to do relationships, he could make that happen. This isn't for you to fix; this is for you to take your own power back and make your own choice here. If this isn't working for you, then don't play along. If you're not done, if there's still something in this for you, then you won't be ready yet to stop playing his game on his terms. Either way, it's about you choosing what you want, and how you want to be treated and what your boundaries are around what you are and are not willing to put up with from someone you're in a relationship with.

      He may be all that to you; he may have many desirable qualities and a chemistry with you that you may have a hard time resisting, but if you remember that it is always your choice to participate in this, you will feel stronger in whatever you choose. You can't change him, but what you can do is choose to put a stop to this deeply embedded pattern of all this back and forth behavior by refusing to go along with it. Keep living your own life, spending your time and energy on things and people that you're truly compatible with, and give him an amount of space that works for you! You want someone who's on the same page as you, who's wants the same level of commitment as you do, and is willing to make that happen. You can never ask for too much from someone who is looking for the same thing as you are in a relationship!

  73. Renee says

    Feeling a little stupid here. Was in a relationship with a guy for 6 years. He showed all the signs that are in your article about how to tell if they're not interested. I saw it, but each time he would profess his love and talk about our future together etc. He was cheating on me also. He sold me on the ''future dream'' and let me tell you, this guy could really convince, so I was heart broken but not entirely surprised when he suddenly disappeared. Trouble is that I was going through tremendous fear over his disappearance because it directly hooked me into fears from childhood abuse so I did the wrong thing and emailed something like 30 times in just over a month. Stupid move and one I've never done before. I know we were not meant to be, but I wish there was some way to come out of this without feeling as if I'd lowered myself even further in his eyes. I guess I feel that it added to the humiliation of not focusing on the now instead of the future and seeing what now seemed so obvious. Not that I really care that much about what he thinks, but because he didn't even have the courage to end it properly, I feel like I could have saved some face if I had not contacted him. I no longer feel like doing that, but it's too late. I did come to the conclusion that if we were meant to be, the emails would not matter but still...that niggling feeling that I let myself down is there.

    • Jane says

      Don't call it stupid, Renee. We've all been there. We do the best with what we know at the time and when those triggers from the things we absorbed when we were so young and impressionable come into play, the choices we make are that much more difficult. Be grateful you're free now and can choose differently next time. It's a journey, my beautiful friend, we all get there eventually!

  74. Kitty says

    Hello! I have written to you before and you were so helpful I wanted to ask your advice again :)

    I met this guy about this time last year .. we were colleagues at work and soon grew very close. I was in a long term relationship but with serious problems. This guy became a good friend and confidant who I would share my feelings and worries with. He would take me out, cheer me up and like I said we grew close over the next couple of months. I realised we were starting to like each other - it was clear from his signals and body language as well. So before anything bad happened, I finally decided to end my other relationship of which I was unhappy in.

    I moved back home, to a different city in the country and he moved away as well to a different city to study. Ever since I left, he became very unreliable. I understand what he is studying for is super intense and so gave him the space, respect and understanding of his situation.. but I found myself getting cross as every time he said he was going to come visit me.. he would cancel last minute. Finally he did come and visit and it was a lovely time but we werent alone... we both had friends with us. We continued messaging eachother a lot and even sometimes spoke on the phone for hours but at some point he would usually not respond maybe for a couple of weeks even months and i would find it was always me inititaing conversation. Anyway, i decided to recently go visit him where he lives now... we spoke on the phone, he said that would be great .. i then booked my coach tickets and double checked again with him if he would be able to make those dates.. he said yes and he was looking forward to it. I turn up (after a 2 hour journey) and he isnt there... Half an hour later, i call him several times, leave a message etc - he doesnt respond. He stood me up and i had come all the way to visit him and he knew this!

    I felt so numb and confused - I just dont understand. He messages me a lot and encourages me but then disappears. if he didnt want me to visit why would he say yes book those tickets?! he could have just ignored me then!! instead of me wasting my time... it has been 2 weeks and i havent heard back from him. I dont know whether i should message him with some angry message, but to be honest i dont even want to as he alrrady has a message or two he could reply to but hasn't, so why bother writing another even if it is an angry one.. thing is, i dont feel angry but just sad about the whole situation :( he will be moving to where i live next year and i dread the day i have to see him, because I know I will... I thought he was my friend and I could trust him.

    • Jane says

      Thanks for your kind words, Kitty. I'm glad I've been able to help. :-) Know that he could have done everything you've said here, my beautiful friend, and that's the point. He didn't. He sounds very confused, and very unsure of what he wants. It sounds like you are finding out what his comfort level with any kind of commitment is here, even if it means committing to a specific date to see each other. If you're not ok with living with a recurring disappearing act like the ones he's clearly showing you here, I would take your beautiful you and spend your time and energy on someone who's on the same page as you are, who wants a real relationship with, and is capable of having one. It doesn't sound like you've lost anything here; if anything, I would tend to feel sorry for someone who is so obviously incapable of being either a friend or anything more than that on so many levels. You can't change him, you can only do what you need to do for you. It is sad, but it's not yours to hold. It's his. Don't look ahead to his arrival in your city; that will work itself out when the time comes, if only because you will be that much stronger and confident in knowing what you do and don't want in a relationship and knowing what you never ever need to settle for! You're the prize, my beautiful friend; this isn't about making anyone love you or want to be with you. This is about finding out exactly what you did - who's not compatible with you - so you can move on to someone who is! That's exactly what you do deserve, Kitty, and nothing less!

      • Kitty says

        Deep down I know this.. but its so much easier to really take in when someone else wiser with experience voices it. Thank you :) What a shame.. he missed out and deep down he knows this but its too late. He will never have this chance again :) He clearly has low self esteem and I dont want to be with someone like that. Atleast there are some good memories from the 1st couple of months where he was reliable and a friend and I hope he remembers them too :) Onto the next chapter... Take care Jane - you really are an angel :) xx

  75. anna says

    I am an international student in a France.
    I am doing my master's.
    Met a guy in the uni. Also a student like me. He speaks little English and my French isn't so good either. He walked up to me one day and said he's seen me around but when he found out I only speak English he wondered where I was from. We spoke and the we exchanged numbers. He asked if I like movies,I said yes. He texted next day and subsequent days but I was always replying late.
    Few weeks later he invited me to the movies. After which he walked me home and said he has some things to say but can't express them in English. Told me he will text. He didn't. The next day he sent me a facebook request.
    After which we didn't talk or see in about 2 week's. Then he called but I was busy. Next day I texted and he said he just wanted to check on me because he hasn't seen me in a while.
    After that we didn't talk again until we bumped into each other. I think he is usually nervous around me. Twice he left his wallet.
    When I text him he always replies immediately but when we see he doesn't talk about wanting to date me. But puts a wink in his texts. I like him,and would like to explore it. But I don't know if I should text him or call him. It's been about 3 week's since saw him. I just want to give him an hint about what I want.

    • Jane says

      If he can text in English, then it sounds like he knows how to communicate with you, Anna. He may be more comfortable taking things slow like this, especially if he's not comfortable with communicating in person. There's nothing wrong with texting him on a casual note since it seems like he's most comfortable with this, especially if you're not sure that he knows that you would be interested in getting to know him better. A text that shows you're comfortable with the language differences might be all he needs to show a little more initiative. As much as I firmly believe that if someone is interested in you he will find a way to communicate this, there may be something to the language difference, too. By showing him your interest and willingness to meet him where he is by communicating in a way he's comfortable with, you'll find out more of where he's at - and whether it's just a language issue or not - by what he does from there.

  76. Sara says

    Hi Jane! I met this guy five month ago. We had a wonderful romantic relationship on the first two months. He used to call and text me every day, and we see each other almost every day. He's on his mid 40's and I'm on my 20's. English is not my first language but we didn't have a serious language barrier (since we have love in common, I believe). He is self employeed and had no problem for us to meet at any time. But recently he become very distant: he don't call/text as he used to, he has a hard time to make time for us. He always want to spend time with his friends. And he repeatedly cancels our dates at the last minutes and sometimes he didn't even let me know wether he canceled the date or no. When I tried to reach him and find out if he's going to come, he ignores my call. But he is always telling me he loves me. When I ask him why our relationship is not showing any progress and why aren't moving forward, he always telling me to relax. It's been more than a week since we've seen each other and I called him a few days ago and he was busy and told me that he'll call me back, but he didn't. He text me a day and now I didn't reply for his text for the last two days. Will my action willake you pull away even more?Shall I call him or just wait until he call/text. I'm confused.

    • Sara says

      I forgot to share you that, beside the language and age differences, there is also income (financial) differences between us: He is wealthy. Where as I'm not working recently but never asked him to support me financially because I know he's so sensitive about spending money. That's one of the reason why we don't go out for date but he don't make his reasons clear.
      He has a car but He didn't want even want to give me a ride home. He prefer to pay for a cab and he said he is doing that because he want to save the mileage of his car which I don't think that's his actual reason.And When I complain about him not making a time for us, he replies to me by saying "I take a good care of you,... I pay for your cab,.... But I do still love him. Please help me what to do

      • Jane says

        It never works the way we think it will when we play games with someone, Sara. You obviously want more from him than he's willing to give you. You never have to ask someone to make more time with you if they're on the same page as you and looking for the same level of commitment in a relationship as you are. You're not asking for too much, but you may be asking the wrong person. Only you know what he is worth to you, and what being with him - albeit on his terms that he has clearly defined - is worth to you, but trust yourself. Deep down, you know what to do. You don't need anyone to take care of you. We pay such a high price emotionally when we convince ourselves that we need someone to take care of us! You're the prize, my beautiful friend.

        Don't play hard to get, be hard to get! Let your actions say so much more than your words! And whatever you decide, choose you. This isn't a fantasy you're living; this is your real life. A real loving relationship has to be about both people - two people on the same page, who want the same thing, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. This isn't about you making him love you and want to be with you! You never, ever, have to convince someone to be with you who is truly right for you!

        • Sara says

          Dear Jane,
          After I shared you my situation, things getting even worst. our communication is almost going to No Communication. He contact me only when he needs something from me ( Two months ago, when I stop working to the company I used to work, he asked me to work for him so at least I can get paid until I find another job and I agreed and start working, but never get paid ever since. I never asked him to pay me because I believe he had a mind and matured enough to know that he has to pay to whomever he asked to work for him......
          After we going in NO contact for two weeks, he called me and told me that the office is waiting for me with some work.) Basically He has been using me and I was a type of person who doesn't feel comfortable to ask somebody to do what he knew he should do.... And yesterday, I have made my mind to have a break up with him and went over his office and end it with respect and dignity. Even though he didn't expect me to act like that, he didn't seem like something serious has happened......
          At this point of time, I feel like I made the biggest and the most challenging decision in my life. I feel so strong about myself. However I can't stop thinking about the good times I shared with him and I can't get him off of my mind... I keep on praying and I'm hoping that with the help of God, I'll be a better person tomorrow.
          Jane, thank you for your wonderful advice. It helps me a lot.

          • Jane says

            I'm glad it helps, Sara; be so proud of yourself for being as strong as you are!

            I have a thought for you; instead of focusing so much on what anyone else does or doesn't do, start learning how to speak up for your self, my beautiful friend. You're not being selfish to speak up and communicate what you need. If someone owes you money, it's your right to remind them of what they owe you. If someone isn't doing what they "should do", and it affects you, it's your right to ask them to do it.

            This is about building healthy strong boundaries for yourself, Sara, because we all need boundaries in order to live, no matter how uncomfortable we may feel at first - or how upset people may be with us for finally letting our boundaries be known! You are so much more powerful than you probably even know, and it's never too late to embrace that power that can change your life for the better.

            You're a wonderful person today and every day, Sara; not because of anything you do or say or learn along the way, but simply because you're you! :)

  77. KayMarie says

    Dear Jane,
    I met a man on eHarmony; he initiated contact and pursued our building a relationship. Once we began communicating he told me that he lived in another state, which was not on his profile. He shared that he was relocating to my state for work, and then asked if we could be exclusive, while getting to know each other, to which I agreed. He admitted that he has a very busy schedule, but made a great effort to maintain contact on a daily basis, until recently. I have not heard from him for two days; he has not responded to my calls or texts. I don't know whether to think the worse or not, but I feel that this type of behavior so early in a budding relationship may be a red flag. I am not one for games, as I truly believe in being true to how I feel, but I don't want to be perceived as hypersensitive or a nag for expressing my dislike for his sudden lack of communication. Please advise.

    • Jane says

      You can never be hypersensitive or a nag with someone who's truly right for you, KayMarie! But try focusing on you and your own life for a little while and see if it's a pattern or just a one-time lull in communication. Whatever you do or don't do, don't worry so much about it. Your goal here is always to have a full life full of you and what you bring to a relationship so that whatever someone else does or doesn't isn't such a huge part of your own life.

      You're always the one doing the choosing, KayMarie, so take back your own power here by thinking of this as a chance to find out a little more about his communication style as you decide whether or not this works for YOU!

  78. sunshine2900 says

    Hi Jane, great article! Could you give me some advice on my situation. I met this guy about a month ago on a dating website. We've gone on 4 dates so far. After the first date I was the one to get in touch the next day and we planned the next date. We had a really nice time on the dates, talking about our lives (I come from a different country so there's a lot to learn about each other). Between the dates, I felt I was the one initiating contact a bit more (but then he`s not as big texter at all). On our last date before we were both to leave on holidays, he had mentioned that I should send him a link to a video of mine that I was telling him about. Then later he also said that I should send him a pic from my country while I was there on holiday. It has now been a week since any contact (we're both on break). Should I reach out to him (maybe text him the pic or video) or wait to see if he contacts me? Also, he had said on our last date that he's just letting things progress naturally between us and I said I preferred that to being pressured like with some other guys I had dated. I don't want to come across too keen and think that maybe I should wait to see if he contacts me when I'm back. Any advice?

    • Jane says

      If you're feeling like you're the one doing more of the initiating of contact with him, Sunshine, then sometimes it helps to take a step back and give someone a little space to see what he does with it. Does he eventually reach out to you, or do you not hear from him again? While you are always free to contact him if you choose to - and no, it won't change what isn't already there for him - if you really want to know where he's at, then focus on you and live your own life regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Time will tell, but in the meantime, you won't be spending your time waiting around for him and living by his terms. If he's on your page, and looking for the same thing you are, you'll know because he will definitely be contacting you. If not, you haven't lost anything because you only want to be with someone you're truly compatible with - and that means someone who's on your page and wants the same thing you do in a relationship, regardless of his definition of what it means to let things progress naturally, since that's pretty vague. This isn't playing games it's about authentically living your own life to its fullest, so that instead of playing hard to get, you'll be hard to get!

  79. Linda says

    I met this guy over the weekend, so charming and very handsome. He told me he liked me th first day, the next day we went out, dancing, had a few whine and we kissed passionately and he even told me he would like to see how things go between us. It's now three days without him calling, and I so badly want to hear from him. Should I call him?

    • Jane says

      You can, Linda, but if you give him a little more time to see if he contacts you, you'll have a much clearer picture of whether you're both on the same page here. Guys who are interested in you find a way to contact you, and if they don't, it's always about them and not about you. Remember that you're doing the choosing here, and you only wants to be with you; focus on you first and your own beautiful life so that what someoen else does or doesn't do doesn't matter.

      If you're on my email list, I have a post coming out tomorrow that addresses exactly your question!

  80. Abby says

    I went out on two dates with a guy I met online. The first date was great and he asked me for a second one at the end of the first date. The second date, which he planned, was a long six hour date full of outdoor activities that were tiring and made me uncomfortable. I felt that neither one of us was at our best on this date. I thought I wouldn't hear from him again, but he texted me after the date thanking me for going with him, telling me he had a lot of fun, and saying that he hoped I had a great week. (I was going out of town). I thanked him for everything and wished him a great week also. I didn't hear from him for four days after that. I decided to text him that night from out of town and ask how he was doing. He answered me the next morning, thanked me for asking about him, and asked me how my presentation went. I answered him later that day telling him how well it went. He responded rather quickly and enthusiastically but didn't mention seeing me when I returned. That was Friday evening. I just got back into town, but I haven't heard from him since. Should I wait to see if he contacts me for a date, or should I just ask to see him again if i don't hear from him soon? Was he just being polite in answering me? I will say that he is not a texter. He generally only texts to plan a date or to thank me afterwards. Would he bother to reply if he wasn't interested in seeing me again?

    • Jane says

      It's always hard to know when it's early on and you don't know each other very well yet, Abby. Know that if he is interested in you - and on the same page, you will definitely hear from him again. Sometimes men will reply to a communication you initiate simply because it's easier to casually reply than to not reply at all, especially if they don't know what they want with you and want to keep things casual on some level, so one of the best ways to know where he stands is to simply give him some space and see what he does with it. Does he come your way - does he initiate another date? - or does he stay in that space?

      There's nothing wrong with reaching out to him if that's what you need to do to give you that peace of mind for yourself, but at the end of the day, if you give it a little time, keep going about your life with him being just one little part, you'll find out soon enough if you're both on the same page here. Remember that you really don't know him well enough to know if you even want to get to know him more, and that this is always about you doing the choosing, and not waiting around for anyone to choose you!

  81. Marie says

    Dear Jane,
    thank you for this wonderful website I happened to find while I was surfing one night because I couldn't sleep.
    Your advice is always clear and simple and it helps me.
    Although I have a simple question:

    Do you think it is okay for a girl to leave her number to a bartender she barely knows?

    The context is the following:
    I'm 21 and I've been single for more than one year now, after my bf left me after a five-year relationship. He was my first and only bf and true love, and it took me quite a while to accept being single again. Now I am okay, though not completely over him, but I've started to enjoy flirting (or at least experiment flirting!!) again.

    Now, coming to the actual story:
    I went to a bar I like with my friends, and I saw this really particular bartender. I wasn't immediately attracted to him but found him rather interesting, and with the time I found him more and more desirable. So I just went to him and ordered another drink, asking him first if he could recommend me one. He showed me different sorts of beers, I choose one that had a strange name, we had a little laugh and that's about that. I went another time to order beers for my friends later in the night, and he helped me carrying them to my table, that's it.

    Basically we practically didn't talk and I didn't have any reason to think that he liked me, but I just wanted to give it a shot and decided to write my name and my phone number on a paper I would then give him.
    My friends went out of the bar, I went to the toilet and then came back to pay. But unfortunately, before I could go to him to pay, the other waitress asked me if I wanted anything else. Confused, I told her I wanted to pay, gave her the money and then walked like a robot to the bartender and randomly asked for his name. Only just had he told me his name that I hold him out the paper and said: "That's for you!" and then walked out of the bar...
    I was so nervous.

    While I am writing this I ask myself if I should have stayed to let him say something, to at least get a look at his reaction...but I was too nervous to stay. I never do these things! Even though I think it was maybe a bit naive of me, I was so happy to do it and it was so worth the adrenaline shot!
    Of course I would love him to call, but I imagine he won't because he doesn't know me at all. Or maybe he's got other reasons, maybe he doesn't like me at all, who knows, there can be thousands of reasons.

    But how should I act next time I'll go there? I plan to go one week after this happened, in a few days, to celebrate with my friends.
    Is it okay to have done this or is it weird?
    Have I got another shot even if he hasn't called or should I leave it?
    Some people say bartenders get phonenumbers all the time, but I don't think he's one of these guys because
    1. he looked quite surprised (not negatively, well I think!) when I hold him out the paper
    2 He's not the "hot-bartender-cliché" type of guy.

    Well, at least I think that he must have felt flattered.

    I think too much of these things and it gets me crazy. Once I like a guy, or the idea of a guy, I stick to it and can't stop thinking of it!!
    Have you got any advice?
    Thank you

    • Jane says

      Don't second guess yourself, Marie; you did what you wanted to do at the time and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! If he calls, he calls, if he doesn't, no big deal, because you're right, you don't know really know each other well enough to call or not call - it could go either way. But here's the best part, the only place this matter so much is in your own mind, the place where we all overthink these things! Do whatever makes things the easiest on you when you see him next, but if it were me, when you're there next time, I would just think to yourself that he probably figured you had a little too much to drink and were playing around under that influence; he may even assume you don't even remember giving him your number! So if it helps you to feel better about the whole thing, go with that scenario. That way, you can pretend like nothing happened until if or when he brings it up. Just ask normal with him, as you would any guy you enjoyed talking to that you didn't give your number to. And remember that you didn't do anything wrong, so don't beat yourself up here. If he's the right guy for you, it's not going to change anything that you jumped in with your number; it would still happen, the two of you would still get together and find out that you're meant to be together. I hope that helps, and I hope it helps to know that we all do things like this sometimes and it's just part of being human!

      • Marie says

        Thank you so much for answering so quickly!
        I will try to act as if nothing had happened but I'm very bad at pretending things!! I'm a bad actor actually... Let's see, whatever happens it will be no big deal!
        I will tell you how it was!
        And I'm relieved that you say I didn't do anything wrong!
        Have a nice day

        • Marie says

          Hello Jane!
          I was supposed to go to the guy's bar this weekend and see him for the second time, but by the strangest of coincidences I met him yesterday!
          That's how I met him:
          I went out with my friend on the beginning of the week and we met this tourist guy who said would make himself a tattoo the next day. We said we would assist him and come with him.
          So yesterday we saw this tourist guy again and the bartender I gave my number to appeared to be the tattooist!
          When he came in the room he saw me, he smiled and we looked at each other, but neither did he or I said anything about the other day.
          So the four of us spent 3 hours in the tattooroom and chatted, listened to music... I was able to know him better and he's a very nice guy. It was a nice moment.
          Afterwards we went out (still the 4 of us) for a beer in his own bar. We stayed an hour together, I was sitting in front of him and we had a nice evening.
          Then he decided to leave first because he was exhausted. He said bye, and went talking to his collegues for another 10 minutes. Then he left the bar and I was surprised to see that he looked at me through the window, while he was walking away.. Our eyes met 3 times and he was smiling at me. I was flattered and nervous and wawed him goodbye, he replied quickly and dissapeared of the field of vision.
          I told him I would come this weekend again to the bar, to celebrate my birthday.

          So my thoughts are:
          It seems to me that he is a very good person and that he's very open and tolerant. We had nice laughs, he was listening to me, but also to everyone else with much attention.
          The fact that he is a very nice and tolerant guy doesn't help me to know whether he was so charming to me because he kind of likes me or because he's like that to everyone else. He seems quite mysterious to me.
          When we were in the tattoo shop, at the end I gave him the chance to be with him alone in the room as the other 2 had gone out and that he had to clean up. I thought it would give him a chance to react to my little action (giving him my numer the other day) but he didn't. Now I don't know if it is because he's shy or because he's just not interested.
          This weekend I'm going to see him at his bar..what do you think I should do?
          Thank you so much for helping me, I still can't believe that I actually met him yesterday...Such a coincidence.
          Have a nice day,

          • Marie says

            Ok now I'm starting to freak out, I went to the city yesterday and I saw him coming out of the place I had talked him about... I saw him from the back but didn't dare to stop when I passed by him. Maybe he saw me from the back too. It's the second big coincidence in 2 days, isn't it crazy?
            Tomorrow I will see him and try to break the ice.

            • Jane says

              I've long come to believe that coincidences are anything but, Marie, so enjoy seeing what's going on here but remember that there's no need to rush anything just because it seems like things are moving like this. If something's meant to be, it will always be! Go with your gut instincts and be yourself above all else. He's just another person - not unlike you! - so just have fun and enjoy finding out a little more about this person who keeps showing up along your path!

          • Jane says

            Be yourself, Marie; the beautiful you that knows who you are, knows all that you have to offer someone truly worthy of you, and knows that you're the prize! If you let him come to you, you'll know for sure whether or not he's interested in talking to you because someone who's interested will always find a way to let you know. Whether he's shy, or just not interested, if you treat him just like you would someone who you don't know that well, but might be interested in getting to know better, you'll find out more soon enough. There's never any rush; if he's on the same page as you and is interested in getting to know you better, too, it will happen because both of you will want it to!

  82. Sue says

    Hi Jane,
    Wow I can't believe I'm on a website emailing looking for advice for a few reasons..... I'm 38 and found myself single again nearly a year and a half ago. To be honest my breakup nearly broke me. I was living with a man who I thought was my prince charming, the man who would be my husband, father to my children and soulmate when out of the blue we broke up. It was so sudden and so final that I had a very very difficult time dealing with it. I didn't sleep properly for over a year and woke up each day in tears and dread. All the colour that was in my life disappeared the day my ex broke my heart. I have worked so hard to heal myself between training and doing a marathon, travelling in Africa, learning to sail, doing courses, buying a new house and car., anything to help me heal. I now feel I have finally nearly gotten back to myself. It was the darkest time my life. My ex had an hour conversation with me and left. I lived with him so it was very sudden and he didn't contact me at all. My friends, his friends and my family still can believe the way I was treated, it was a terrible breakup. So hence now the reason for emailing you is this.... I was at a ball on NYE and met a man 7 years older than me. We danced and talked for 12 midnight to 5am in the hotel where ball was on. He seemed very nice and he asked to meet me again before I left the ball. He lives two hour drive from me which maybe an issue for him (he never said but I'm only guessing) he rang me the day after the ball but I missed his call so he text to say how great it was to meet me. I got back to him via text but didn't return his call. I felt it was a little too polite a text from me so to give him another opportunity to get in touch, I sent him a link of a funny YouTube video we talked about on NYE a couple days later. He rang me that night and I didn't take his call. I text to tell him I was with family and asked him to call me the next day which he did. We chatted for an hour and a half but he didn't suggest meeting up. I ended the conversation by saying I had to go as I was heading out. He then text me three days later to see how I was. I replied and he replied back, but I was the one to send the final text. I didn't hear from him for three days (not that I expected to, but it was Friday so I sent him a message saying happy Friday, he rang me ten mins later and we chatted for an hour and still no hint of meeting up! Before you ask he is not married as far as I know. So here I am in a situation, I have had a year and a half of sadness and I feel it's time for me to have a bit of fun again and maybe meet someone new..... The long and the short of it I want to know would it be the kiss of death if I rang this man now? I don't want to waste my time wondering if he will call again blah blah but I'd like to ring him and see if he would like to meet up for a lunch or walk. Am I mad? Should I just wait to see if he contacts me again. He did say he was kinda shy but a shy guy wouldn't ring a girl the next day? Phew anyways if you have any advice I'd love to know what you think. Iv been so removed from men and dating Iv no confidence anymore when it comes to my gut. Thanks in advance and so sorry for the long winded message!! Sue :-)

    • Jane says

      It's all about what you can handle, Sue, without damaging your self-esteem and your self-confidence by putting yourself out there. Sometimes the simplest of actions on our part and lead to such anguish within us, complete with second-guessing and beating ourselves up if we can't honestly accept the reality that it doesn't matter, and a simple action on our part like a phone call or a text that isn't returned, is absolutely not worth our own peace of mind. Does that make sense?

      The reality is you can't predict or control someone's response to you, so if you want to put something out there, there's nothing wrong with that at all, as long as you can see it for what it is. If you don't hear back, or if he doesn't want to meet, it's not about you, it's about him. The only thing you want to spend your time and energy on is being with someone who's right for you, who's on the same page as you, and in the beginning stages of any relationship, it's all about getting to know each other better to see if you even want to get to know them better! Keep the mindsight that you're always the one doing the choosing, and any rejection of you is never a rejection; it's simply a reality check that we often can't see any other way. With the right person for you, this will never be complicated!

      Just be yourself, think of dating as an adventure and keep things as light as possible. If someone comes along that's worth getting to know better, enjoy the chance to get to know them and see where things go. This is never about rushing into anything or taking anything personally. It's about being you, the beautiful person you are, and finding out who's right for you while avoiding the ones who aren't!

  83. Isabelle says

    Hi, I've only just read this post and it has totally changed my mind about calling my boyfriend. We have been together over a year and a half and last Sunday he told me he wanted space after an arguement we had... It's been 4 days and he hasn't contacted me in either way shape or form. He keeps posting things about how he is upset by our arguement over social networking site but hasn't texted or called me..
    Do I make he first move and give him a call? After all I do love him, and I'm pretty sure he does too.
    I just hate these games we play as humans!
    Please help

  84. Matrouschka says

    Dear Jane,

    Today I have one of these bad days. I'm feeling like crap, too heavy, not enough attractive and silly to disturb you with my problem. I have one big problem in my life and it's the one that follows: I never had a boyfriend in my life and I am 21 years old. It's not as if I wasn't in contact with boys or too shy but it never worked out with anyone and I can't keep on going like this. Feeling lonely and not loved is my first preoccupation when waking up and my last preoccupation when going to bed. I really am beginning to think that I will never find someone who likes me and that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am desperate but I cannot force myself to go to parties because I am always feeling unconfortable and I'm always in search of some potential guy for me. What should I do? What can make me feel better when I am at my low points?

    Thank you very much for being there for me,


    • Jane says

      You'll always be enough for someone who is right for you, Matrouschka. I know it's hard to see this when you're feeling this way, when the future seems so far away and the moment you're in seems so long. But please hear me and so many other women who would tell you that you're at a stage in your life where the world truly is your oyster. You have your whole life ahead of you just like a beautiful blank canvas that you can paint anyway you choose. This is your time to get to know yourself - the real you. What do you like to do? Where do you like to go? If not these parties, where do you enjoy going and what you do like to do? When you get to know yourself, when you see just how much there is to love about yourself, you discover a confidence in who you are that isn't dependent on other people. It'a always about you. Find those things that interest you that you can be passionate about, find those people that love and support you and are a positive influence in your life. Find the places that you feel alive in, that you enjoy going to. It hasn't worked out in the past because the guys you were with weren't right for you in the ways that matter; it's never a rejection of you but a reality check of what wasn't going to work out anyway. This is your time, Matrouschka. There's so much more to come and so much more to live.

      Start writing down all the things that make you who you are. start writing out all the wonderful qualities you possess. And then put it somewhere where you can read it every morning and evening until the truth about who you really are and all you have to offer someone who's truly worthy of you, becomes the loudest voice you hear. That's the truth, not the doubts, not the voice that has us being so hard on ourselves, beating ourselves up for every little thing. If you can't see it for yourself yet, find a cheerleader, find a counselor or therapist, or someone else who can meet with you one on one and help to show you for yourself. One step at a time. It's how we all eventually find ourselves and create our lives.

  85. Emily says

    hi Jane,

    this article is like a breath of fresh air for me... I would love to ask your advice too.
    I met a guy online in december. I didn't expect anything serious to come out of it at all as he lives about 2 hours drive from me, has a busy job gets up early and arrives home late, and on top of that he has kids who are there with him every weekend so he doesn't even have the time to just drive over casually to date. But anyway we started chatting, we both liked it so much that we chatted more often, at one point he left the dating site but he said I can't leave here without leaving my e-mail to you since I like to talk to you so much. So we continued on skype, where we chatted with cam too.

    I immediately felt comfortable somehow with him, he is very nice and calm, his voice is very calm. And there is an amazing chemistry. We just click. We gradually started texting too, every day he started to wish me good morning, during the day he would frequently ask how I am, how is work going etc. So well I guess I started to develop some feelings for him, and I really felt bad that he is living so far and we could not just meet. He said the same: if we lived closer, he was sure we would have already met long ago. We also discussed the issue of making love and I told him well I don't just do that with anybody, but only with somebody that I trust and know to treat me well, and with whom I share a bit of a connection deeper than only sex.

    One weekend I was feeling a bit like ok I don't know where all of this is going... and then all of a sudden he told me that he was in a town near me. He was picking up some stuff for his new house which he bought second hand. So of course curiosity took over and I invited him over. It was an awesome evening! He first gave me a big hug and a sweet kiss, I immediately felt so good in his presence. Then we had tea and we chatted, and when he left, we kissed more intimately, and (I know, I know...) made love. Normally I would not do that with someone I liked but at that moment, well I thought he is living so far... A lot of chemistry! He just blurted out: what is happening here...! He seemed genuinely to like me too.

    When we talked, I understood that he has been single for 2 years now after a 15 year relationship and is only now slowly opening up to something new. So I was honest with him, I told him that I like him and my long term goal is to be in a relationship with someone. And I didn't know where this would be going so maybe we should stop sending each other kisses all the time if he is not ready since I'm starting to have feelings for him.

    Well after he left this is what we both did. I stopped sending kisses to him too, so did he. It made me so sad and I wondered have I done the right thing? Exactly the day after we met, he was starting some heavy work on his new home basically working there every single night since he wants to move in april. So I know he was going to be very busy. So I decided not to push, and later that week, I sent him a casual text asking so how are you how is the new place? No reply. 2 days later I told him about something nice that had happened in my work, things we always used to share before. No reply. So I waited the weekend, then sent him a message: what's up? We were chatting every day, now nothing? He sent me a lot of pics from his home as a reply, to show me how busy he was.

    Next week, I didn't send anything, but I got a bit pissed. We were so close, he genuinely gave me the feeling he cared, even though I know that the timing is not right, he knew how I felt about making love to him... and now nothing? After he came to visit me, and kissed me and was so enthousiastic? So I probably did the wrong thing... that's what I'm fretting about these past days. I texted him that I was dissapointed about how he was acting, just ignoring me and not contacting me at all, just disappearing from the face of the earth. I KNOW I have asked myself to slow things down a bit, but I had at least hoped to stay in touch and I told him how I at least had hoped we could have talked on skype some other time. I told him I just miss him and our talks and I hope he is doing ok.

    I know I should't keep texting him but it's so hard with no communication AT ALL.. times like these I just keep thinking, it's hard to find closure or know what to do. I have to go sit on my two hands not to send him messages again.. I was so used to our sweet messages and I miss him :-(. I'm guessing he was just overwhelmed and needs some distance, so I should give him and maybe he is scared off by me missing him. But at the same time, some moments I am pissed on how he leaves all the emotions for me to take care of and just stops all the normal conversation like this. We were always on skype, and now he is not online for almost 2 weeks. Like he just closed down our main way of communicating, signaling: leave me alone. But then again, maybe it's not intentional, I DON'T KNOW!! I don't know what to think or do anymore and it's driving me nuts! I don't know how to behave when he would respond, I don't want to be angry at him and I want to be cool and relaxed because this is what he liked about me in the first place, and it's how I normally am. He is getting the WRONG impression about me like this, I do not want to come across needy as I am not, in fact I have gone on another date just to move on with my life even though it's tough because he would be my very first choice....

    How do I handle this??

  86. David says

    I have been dating my girlfriend for 8 months.
    It has been hot and heavy, we have been inseparable. She loves to have me in her presence most all the time. We do fight occasionally and there is intensity( lashing out in those disagreements). For my part I would get upset bc I would find out that she was still being "polite" ( her words) to other men she had dated or other men that want her, by communicating with them. This was not often but she set up the relationship at the start by asking if I was ready for this love and if I needed to tie up any lose ends. I said nope and I have been loyal for the eight months.
    We talked and she agreed it was hurtful and the last two months has stopped... I believe.
    We have 6 kids that are blended but hang out/ sleep over each home and get along for that eight months amazingly... Everything with friends and family is great with us.
    We had a fight out on a date when there was drinking aiding the intensity of the fight and she walked away and I then left for home.
    We didn't communicate until the next evening.
    Which was a Friday , I was supposed to come to her home with kids and be together for the weekend. So I reached out and tried getting in touch
    She responded after my several attempts by. Saying
    " don't want to talk, I told my kids you were not coming. I feel sorry about it for the kids by that's no reason to force anything. Please stop calling and texting me."
    I did call a few times and text a bit with no response. She may of even blocked my number on and off bc it was just going to vm... I understand that she would do this bc if she is driving w kids or home and the phone gas my name or the car console has my name and her kids say why are u not answering etc.
    Anyway the point is I stopped that night at 10pm and in the am sent a email that was thoughtful and not mean but I ended by saying, " You will either have me beside you in church this Sunday and in your arms imminently or you will never hear from me again
    From my heart
    That was saturday am yesterday
    I don't think I should if said that at the end of a thoughtful email now but at the same time after any fight I'm always there to forgive and she uses silent treatment over a couple days...
    Then I woke up Sunday and decided to be objective abt the whole relationship and the bigger issues, I apologized for that immature ultimatum and went on to be so loving and tender that we may need more space in the relationship bc we are literally together all the time and it may be harmful and it's both of us that ask to be together.
    It's wed am and I have not communicated and either has she and she knows that I have had my kids since the fight but that they go to my ex's today. I just add that bc it's not like I could see her till today anyway
    What now, do I wait for her to reach out we have plans next weekend( her kids play- where all the kids were going to go?, going to a benefit dinner, and a concert also)
    do I just wait it out, although I feel she has been the one in control bc we do much more in her world if we fight she has used the I'm controlling word before... But I have been really in controlling by accommodating her schedule all the time
    Should I get in touch w her??
    Looking for help
    Can she be done with this so abruptly when the day before the fight she was saying I'm an angel in her life sent by God???? And how much she loves me

    • Jane says

      Listen to your gut instincts here, David. It's never about these details about whether or not we reach out or not, it's about the bigger picture of whether or not you're both on the same page and want the same thing with each other. Words come easy; it's in our actions that we find out what's really there. Trust yourself to know what you need here; it's never as much about someone else as much as it's about you.

  87. Laura says

    I have been with this guy for four months, he has met my family and I have met his. He usually calls me everyday or I text our call him but he usually does the initial contact. Sometimes we go a few days with no contact due to both having busy lives. Recently we have been talking about going on vacation together, and he even put time off in at work for our vacation we were planning. Last week he called me everyday just to check in and to say he missed me. But now it's been a week since I've heard from him. I have tried calling him and no response. I texted him saying that I was thinking of him, and no response. He did this a last month and after A week he called me. He said he was stressed and busy with work. I know he has a lot going on in his life and he has asked me so many times to never let him go, even when he seems gone. We even started talking about moving in together this summer. With all of this I don't know if I should just give him space and hope like last time he will come back, keep my promise of never letting him go even when he seems gone, move on, or just ask him what's going on and if he is no longer interested.

    • Jane says

      Do what you need to do for your own peace of mind, Laura; only you know what feels right to you and what you need to do for you. Wherever he's at isn't going to change with a direct question from you. If anything, it will bring out what's really there and tell you more of what's going on with him so that you can can decide whether this is working for you. If a relationship is going to work, it's always about two people being on the same page, looking for the same level of commitment with each other and being willing to do what it takes to make that happen. You've seen by his words and his actions where he's at, now it's up to you to decide what you can live with and what you can't. It's never personal, it's always about compatibility.

  88. amina says

    when we"re in love with a freind, calling him once a week is ok? ( Ps. HE NEVER CALLS, we are not so close even if we've been talking since over a year, and I"m really getting tired of being the only one who calls, and also I can't give up on him ;/)

    • Jane says

      Of course you're getting tired of being the only one who calls, Amina; it's because this isn't the way any kind of relationship is meant to be! But there's a reason why you are are the only one who does the calling, because if he was interested in communicating with you, you would definitely be hearing from him. Men will always find a way to make sure you know they're interested. That's how you know.

      You say you can't give up on him, and yet, if he's not on the same page as you, if he only wants to be friends and you want more from him, then ask yourself why you're choosing to do this to yourself. Think about what you really have if you're only in a one-side relationship where you're the one doing all the work to try to get him to change. It's always in the questions we ask ourselves that we find our own answers are already there.

      • amina says

        Thank you for the reply. You are right, and deep inside myself, I know that this guy is not the right one, that we will never be togather, yet I can't give up on him, because he is the only "guy" friend I know, I know that it sounds wierd, but it's the truth. I'm kind of a loner by nature.... and sometimes I ask myself, maybe I'm not getting the line between love and friendship.... but also, I know truly that I don't want to lose this friendship, at the point where I am, I'll only act as a friend, not waiting for any reciprocity.

  89. Lily says

    This guy who seemed interested in me asked me out after a year or so for a coffee... I accepted, we spent some good hours together... he went on a trip, didn't see him for two months, came back and contacted me again asking me out... due to an obstacle ; he was moving to a new house and apparently it wasn't going as planned so he called it off, apologizing and saying whether it's be ok that we see each other some time later in the week... I said it's totally fine and even offered him help... it's been four weeks since and he hasn't contacted me... I was going to send him a text but after reading your posts Jane and some others here, I decided Not to do it.

    • Jane says

      I'm so glad this helped you see your situation more clearly, Lily. Don't take any of this personally; if he's not on the same page as you, wanting the same thing as you do and willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, then he's not the one for you! It's never personal, it's always about whether you're truly compatible with someone, so don't take any "rejection" personally. It's not!

      • Lily says

        Hello Jane,
        Thanks for the answer! Now the problem is we are colleagues not working in the same department but in the same company so I will most probably run into him... it may put me in a kind of uncomfortable situation... Don't know how to deal with it...

        • Jane says

          Remember that it's only you who feels uncomfortable, Lily, and if you can remind yourself that you're the prize, that you're the one doing the choosing - and carry that attitude with you throughout your work day - and especially when you run into him, it will make it easier. I know that's easier said than done, but it will get easier the more you take on this mindset and don't take this as any kind or rejection of you. It's all about compatibility, and just like you don't feel the same way as every guy that wants to be with you, so too not every guy will feel the same way about you. It's never the rejection that we think it is! I've been there, so know that you're not alone!

          • Lily says

            Thank you so much Jane! I'll always remember these precious words: you are the prize, you are the one doing the choosing!

            I had it in mind though but it seems I need a slap every once in a while to pull myself back...

            • Jane says

              Not a slap, Lily; a gentle loving little nudge. :)

              I'm so glad these words resonated with you; put them somewhere you can read them everyday when you first wake up and before you go to sleep at night. They're the truth!

  90. Marie says

    Dear Jane,

    I started to go out with a nice guy three months ago. He is my first boyfriend since my big, big break up one and a half year ago, when my first love left me and I thought that I would never recover from it.

    So I eventually recovered, I started to see how beautiful it can be to be single out there. I understood that being 21 years old, I had still so much to discover! I started flirting around with guys one year after the break-up, and it took me a bit less than six months to meet this guy.
    We met at a party, and from the first moment I do not know why, I was really interested in him, attracted to him, although he was not really “my type”. But what does this mean anyway, to have “a type”? I tried not to over think it too much and I followed my feelings.
    The party was great, things went as I wanted it, he noticed my interest and we ended up making out in a bedroom. I want to skip the details but one thing is important: When I was about to make a further move on him, to go further in bed, he gently stopped me and said “We’ve got time.”
    That really surprised me because for me, it seemed to be just a casual thing, and I had not even considered that he would want more than sex, or that I wanted more than sex!! So I stopped, and we spent the whole night kissing and talking, it was really nice and exciting to sleep in a guy’s arms again, it felt really safe.
    The next morning, not surprisingly we were both a bit shy and embarrassed, but that is normal I guess: recovering from a big party, a bit of an hangover…no alcohol to erase the tension between people…Everything is quiet and has come back to its normal stage. He then told me that he would like my number and that he wanted to see me again the next week (although he lives more than 300km from here!!). When we went out of the room and the people looked smiling at us, he told them that he would walk me home. We walked, side by side, silently, a bit embarrassed, and I instinctively took his hand. We held hands like two kids walking in the streets and by the time I was home and he was gone, I felt happy.
    However, during the whole week before he came to visit, I felt panicked: I had no idea who this guy was, and I was about to welcome him home for a whole weekend although I did not know if I would like him that much. Anyway, he came, and it started badly because he was five hours late, without having told me anything in advance about his delay. I felt like an idiot but he made it just at time, apologizing and wishing me a happy valentine, which I could not refuse…After all he had been driving four hours only to come to see me, via one of the worst highways I know.
    In brief, we spent a weekend behaving like a couple. This time we did not stop each other in bed, and I found it a bit sad that things went so quickly although he seemed to be a committed type of guy. It was great by the way, and he later confessed to me that he had not touched a girl for six years, because he had not wanted to have a girlfriend. He is quite independent for a guy in his early twenties.
    However, it seemed that after a weekend spent together we were already a couple and it frightened me!! This guy was being much attached although we did not know each other!! I had the impression to be “the guy afraid of commitment” and that he was being “the needy girl”!! I liked him but I would have liked things to go slowly! Anyway, when he came the next weekend, I told him so, and he really appreciated my honesty. We talked a lot, and he understood that I needed time to accept the idea of having a new boyfriend and that deep inside I still suffered a little from my first beak up. From the day I spoke this out, things went great. After a few more weekends spent together, I began to fall in love with him. That was it, I thought, from one day to another my vision of him changed totally and I became addicted. I was at peace, because I thought that we would finally be at the same level in terms of commitment. Which leads to the whole point of my story:

    Why does he never call??? I thought that HE was the committed guy. Now that I am committed too, I must fight for him to call. On top of that, we are in a DISTANCE relationship, which means that skyping, telephoning and writing is all what we have when we are not around each other. Ironically my first relationship was also a distance one, and it worked out for five years, so I know what I am talking about, I know how important it is to be there for each other although hundreds of kilometres separate us.
    It is not that he doesn’t call; he also barely answers the phone or my messages… The peak of it all was when he cut all contact for a week, which made me really afraid of loosing him. He didn’t call, he did not come to visit one day although it had been planned for a long time, and the worst is that he did not tell me. He simply did not show up! I was preparing myself o another painful break-up.
    When I finally reached him, and we saw each other again, I made him understand that he could not behave like this. We did this sort of “contract” that said that we would call at least three times a week, and that he would always answer to my messages before midnight. Yep, it came to that point, we had to. He said that he had cut all contact because he was going through a tough period, having financial problems and I realised that he was not lying and that his life was tougher than mine. I told him that it was nevertheless no excuse to treat me like this. To make him understand I told him: “If you consider us a couple, this is not acceptable; you cannot treat me like this. On the other hand, if you consider us ‘fuck buddies’, then it is okay for you to do that. But I do not think that we are only together to ‘do’ it.”

    He apologised and told me that he truly believed that I was right, and that he would make some efforts. He also argued that he was not used to be committed to someone anymore, and that such things are not in his habits. He also told me that it would be easier for him to think of me when we’re not together if I came to visit him for once. It is true that I had never gone to his place, because I have no car. So I took him seriously, I bought a ticket train and I went to visit him although it was the worst time to do so, with the exams approaching. I did not regret it, we spent a wonderful weekend.

    Now it has been one week that I came back from his place, and I haven’t heard from him. It is happening again. I wrote two emails to him, one when I arrived home to thank him again for this wonderful time at his place, and another random one where I asked him for a little favour, a computer thing. He never answered. I wrote him a letter in which I told him my ideas about our holiday plans this summer, he must have received it by now and I have no idea when he will react to it.

    My friend tells me that I should use “reversed psychology” and stop calling him. That is also what I did after a while, that time where he cut all contact for a week. But I do not feel comfortable doing this every time, it’s not me. What should I do?

    He is a very extreme person, in the sense that one day he is 100% there for people and the next day he and completely disappears, cutting contact with everybody. He told me that he would not do this with me, but I prefer to be prepared to the worse. Maybe one day I will not be able to reach him anymore either, who knows? He is so unpredictable.

    I do not want to ditch him. My friends tell me that I need better than this, but I do not want to give up, I know that he is such a good person and that his attitude has nothing to do with me personally. I also understood from a conversation last week that he is afraid of falling in love. He said that in general, falling in love would mean for him that he would loose his independence. God, he is so stubborn with this. I really like him. I may not love him yet, because I used to be in love and it was different, but give me a few months and I will fall deeply in love. This guy is different; he told me that sex was not as important for him as affection. Isn’t that a statement that every girl would want to hear from a guy?? Rather affection than sex?? Could it be because he has not received affection from his mother? My friends tell me that I am “the mother” of the group: is he looking for a new mom? After all, when I think of it, he behaves like an adolescent towards her mom when he avoids my calls and all… I don’t know, please help me and sorry for this long, long but necessary context description.

    Thank you so much for your help and attention,


    • Jane says

      Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who you have to wonder about like this, Marie. Someone who you have to play hard to get with, who you have to play games with to get him to respond to you. Real love isn't about second-guessing yourself, trying to figure out what he's thinking and why, and trying to be and do whatever will get him to come closer to you.

      It's still early, Marie, and in this first beginning stage of a relationship people show you their best side of them. So it's up to you to decide if this is working for you. He's not going to change for you unless he wants to. And your role isn't to try to change him. It's to be yourself and be loved for who you are. It's easy for him to simply respond if you're the one doing all the initiating.

      Focus on you and living your own life and let him come to you. Give him some time and space while you live your own life and see what he does with it. Does he fill in that space by contacting you, or does he keep that same space that shows what he's comfortable with. That's how you'll know. Someone who's interested in spending time with you will always let you know. What matters is that you're both on the same page.

      • Marie says

        You are probalby right, and my friends also tell me that I am putting too much energy in this. It is just so difficult to even consider a second break up. I know that I will probably endure many break ups in my life, but I just can't be the one to do the first step, because I am afraid of regretting things.
        My main problem is that my well-being is way too dependent from the people that are close to me. For instance, right now I need to study for the exams, and I am way too distracted because of this, I know that it is nonsense, and I do my best to fight it.
        For now, I sent him a message (after trying to call him several times) where I sounded angry for the first time in our relationship, which I think will surprise him. If after this nothing improves, I will have to give him an ultimatum, which will be difficult but inevitable.
        Do you think that it is worth it to even consider a future with him, although he told me that he did not want to ever fall in love? It's contradictory with the fact that he already introduced me to his family and his closest friends, I do not understand what he wants.
        Thank you and sorry again for the lenght of the previous post.

        • Jane says

          Only if you want to be with someone who doesn't ever want to fall in love, Marie. Believe him. There is so much more to life than spending your time and energy on someone who isn't on the same page as you, who doesn't want the same thing you want, and who is making sure you know this about him. As long as you believe that you can't be the one to do the first step because you're afraid of regretting things, that's exactly what you're going to find; regrets for all that you missed while you were afraid of what you might regret. Fear is a very real thing, Marie. But most, if not all of it, is based on our programming, on the messages we've bought into and made our own that keep us staying right where we are, while settling for so much less than we deserve. You may not understand what he wants, but the question is always, what do you want? Follow that line of thought and you'll find where you want to be.

  91. Amanda says


    I have a distance relationship with I guy in another country. We skype everyday for 1-2 hours. He always finds time to skype, and if I do not call him for 2 days he will ask me what is wrong. I never had to call him first.

    Well I decided to fly to him and meet. I was there just over the weekend. He showed that he was interested and would take me out like boyfriend/girlfriend. One evening I met his friend with his girlfriend. We decided to meet again the next day to go out all four of us together. My boyfriend told me that he would be free that day and that we could meet up just the two of us during the day before going out with his friends. I told him that I would be a little busy that day and that I am not sure if I could make it, but that we would be in touch. He agreed. So the day came, I waited the whole day for him to call me to set up a time for the two of us to meet alone, or at least to text me just to let me know that he is thinking of me. He did not text or call the whole day. In the evening just 2 hours before we should go out with his friends as agreed I called him and asked "if he is so busy that he has not had the time to text me". He could hear that I was angry, but he still insisted for us to meet as agreed with his friends. I told him that if he would have called earlier we could have met, but that it is too late now. He said that I have no idea what a hectic day he has had. I asked him to tell me about his day, but he said that he does not feel any need to tell me about that. He insisted to go out with me 30min before we would go out with his friends together. I cancelled everything and said that "I have never called any guy first, and that I would not call him either". I made clear that I expected him to call me that day (eventhough I told him that I was busy and he proposed to meet). The thing is that I was travelling back home the next day, and this was our last evening together. I was hoping him to initiate to meet me during the day and to call me the whole day since I was there. He did not. He wanted me to call him, and waited for the evening. He said, if you do not want to go out as agreed with his friends, then he has to go (they are waiting for him). He wished me a good trip and said that we would keep in touch. I told him that we will see. On my travelling day he did not call, nor did he asked to meet me and say good bye. He does not call on skype either, and has not asked if I arrived safe home. Was I too hard on him? Did I expect too much? What shall I do now? I do like him, but I just feel that I would have spent more time with him than he has spent with me if he was to come and visit me.

    • Jane says

      This has to come from him, Amanda; it's not up to you to make this into something that you want it to be. He has to want it to. You know what you can live with and what you can't; it sounds like this is about your own expectations and they differed from his. If you have to try so hard to make this work, then ask yourself why you want it to. Is this really about him, or is it more about you? Only you know what you can live with and what you can't, but your role is never to try to make anyone want to be with you or do what you want them do. It's about seeing if the two of your are compatible, expectations and all. If someone is truly compatible with you, you always know because they'll be on the same page as you are and want the same thing you do and it won't feel so hard. In the future, you can decide whether your expectations are your own, or what you believe they "should be". You can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself. And with someone who's right for you, there will always be a second chance.

  92. kristin says

    Wow, I totally disagree. If a man is into you, he WILL contact you. Chasing a guy makes you look desperate and it will almost always make him lose interest.
    I say: don't call and if he doesn't call you? Next! The end

  93. Amanda says

    Here is my story....maybe you can help.

    So my bf of 9 months broke up with me 3 days ago. Yesterday this super cute guy came into my work (and even though I looked a mess) we had a great conversation(that HE initiated) that lasted about 10-15 minutes and it was the first time in days I had smiled. He ended up asking me for my number so I passed it to him discreetly (my job is kinda iffy on things like that so I didn't want to get in trouble) and I thought I would get off from work and have a text from him....NOTHING. The rest of the day....NADA. Today? Still Nothing! He seemed totally into me when we talked so I wasn't sure what happened. So my question is....through a little "investigating" I saw we had a mutual friend on FB. She isn't someone I am really close to but I see her every couple of weekends as she sometimes comes out to karaoke with my group of friends. So my question is....would it be okay to add him on FB to try to start up the conversation since he didn't or should I wait until the weekend? I thought he was cute, charming, and funny and for once I wasn't thinking about my ex so I feel this guy might be someone worth perusing so what do I do?

    • Jane says

      You'll never know if he's truly interested in you if you start pursuing him now after he's already asked for your number and left you with the expectation that he was going to be the one calling you. If he lost your number, he knows where you work. Whatever the reason he hasn't contacted you yet, it's not about you, it's about him. There could be any number of reasons he didn't call, and he may still. But thinking of him and coming up with ways of pursuing him only sets you up for disappointment and that's something you have to decide if he's worth. Take your time to get over your ex, Amanda. Rebound relationships rarely work out the way we want them to. This won't be the last guy to make you smile, and you only want someone who lets you know without a doubt that he wants to be with you!

  94. Ang says

    This is an amazinggg article. Thank you for writing it. It has inspired me, and I think I'll go ahead and call him :)

  95. Lucy says

    Thank you so much for this article. Your words are so encouraging!! I am in a hard situation at the moment where me and this guy have been dating for just over 11 weeks, and all was going amazingly well until he got back from his holiday 3 weeks ago! While he was on holiday he wanted to text every day, so we did, but when he got back he has been really distant. After no hearing from him in 3 days I texted him asking how his holiday was and he replied almost immediately saying he was sorry he hasn't been in contact but work has been crazy busy. I replied saying that my weekend had been busy too, but he didn't reply. I left him for another 5 days and just checked up on him and again he replied almost straight away to say he has be so stressed and swamped at work recently which is why he hasn't been very talkative, but he sent me kisses at the end which he doesn't normally do. I thought he may. Have been a bit annoyed at me so I left replying to him for 4 days and just said I understand how busy work can be after a holiday. Now it's been 12 days and nothing....I'm either wondering whether he has moved on from me or if he is generally busy? I've never called him but I know he doesn't like texting and neither do I. What should I do? Sorry for the long message. You seem like the best person to ask about this.

    • Jane says

      When you initiate contact with someone and he replies "almost immediately saying he was sorry he hasn't been in contact but work has been crazy busy", but then nothing changes, you can be assured that this is someone who is not the one for you, Lucy. Don't take it personally, don't second-guess yourself or wonder what you could have done differently. Thank him in your own mind for showing you he wasn't the one so early on, and then taste the freedom of knowing you are now free to move on to someone who will be on your page, who will want the same thing with you and will never leave you wondering whether or not he's moved on or is just too busy for you. No matter how busy someone is, someone who wants you in their life will always make time for you.

  96. Kady says

    Thank you so much for writing this article! I've been in a "to text him or not" situation for about a week now and it's refreshing to hear something besides the standard "wait for him" advice. I don't like those games because I don't get them...if I like you and I'm comfortable enough around you, I'll tell you. Why wait because people say I should let a guy chase me? That said, here's my situation, I'd love your take on it.

    I met a guy online and after talking for a couple weeks he asked me out to dinner. I'm the first person he's met on a dating site and we had a good time. At first I didn't see much potential but after dinner we went for a stroll and his romantic, charming, and sweet side came out - from asking to hold my hand, to cuddling under the moonlight, to picking me a bouquet of flowers. When we got to the car things got a bit heated, I lightly let him know I wouldn't be sleeping with him on the first date, his attitude didn't change negatively at all. The thing is, he did ask about going out again but we joked around so well with each other that I may have unintentionally given him the idea that I may not want to go out again when I was kidding around (maybe he even thinks I just wanted to hook up). At one point on the way home he said I'd have to let him know if I wanted to see him again...I wasn't sure if he was joking or serious. He took me home in the wee hours of the morning after spending so much time together. I haven't heard from him since. I did text him, but it wasn't really anything he needed to respond to (just thank you, had a good time, and something witty).
    For a few days after I was caught up in the somewhat regret of going too far without knowing his true intentions. He seems like a stand up guy, he was respectful to know not to push for too much, but was still a gentleman. I believe if someone is interested then they'll contact you no matter what and he acted as though he was interested in me and not solely in sex - however - because of my stupid jokes and his lighthearted response that I'd need to let him know, I also wonder if maybe he figures if I was interested, I'd have said something else. I'm a bit out of the dating game after choosing to stay single for the past 3 years to get over a 10 year relationship. So I'm thinking of sending one final text and putting it out there that if he's interested I'd like to see him again. I'm well aware I might just humiliate myself with more silence but it can't be worse than wondering what if, right?

    • Jane says

      "I believe if someone is interested then they'll contact you no matter what..." - Exactly, Kady. You can never be too much or not enough of something for someone who's on the same page as you. First impressions always reveal just a small snapshot of who you are - don't beat yourself up for being yourself - anyone who is even slightly interested in getting to know you better knows this, too. My guess is he's not interested because he's not looking anything more than a casual encounter, and not because of anything you did or didn't do. "I'm well aware I might just humiliate myself with more silence but it can't be worse than wondering what if, right?" - My point here exactly; you're not going to change the way he feels, it's only for you that you decide to initiate when someone hasn't contacted you.

  97. mary says

    i have a situation similar to chloe's above. i have known my friend for 12 years and had feelings for him for a long time but tried to redirect them elsewhere to other people. for the last 10 he has been in a relationship (5 yrs married) with a woman who i learned recently left him because they were having huge problems together. he and i have kept in touch for many years via email (nothing inappropriate, and we haven't seen each other in several years; just a periodic check-in). now that he's on his own, he and i had a long four-hour phone conversation a couple weeks ago which felt really fun and close - even verging on flirtatious at times, though of course this is not the time to start anything - until he began to suddenly withdraw, tell me he thought i overvalued and idealized the friendship with him, should stay away from him, not write him so much or keep in such close touch, etc. he was saying all this but at the same time extending the phone conversation, not hanging up; almost trying to figure something out in front of me (his feelings about me?). it's like he opened up for two hours and then panicked and tried to pull shut a door that wouldn't really...shut.

    i heard all this and it hurt but at the same time we're such old friends that i know - or could just intuit - that i hadn't done anything "wrong," that there is something so fundamentally okay and secure between us that it's not possible for me to really "mess up" with him, or him with me. i can't quite explain it but it feels like there is an incredibly strong foundation of friendship and collegiality (we were close in college) that literally supports us when we are in a disagreement or tiff. at the same time it feels absolutely essential to maintain my integrity with him and make it a DISCIPLINE to make sure he knows how i feel (expressed gently of course). i told him in real time that these doubts of the friendship were making me sad, then wrote it to him in an email. i wondered as i did it if it was too intense or would throw him into too much guilt (he's a very chronically guilty person) but speaking my truth (gently) is more important than protecting him from shame or guilt so i did it. i figured that if i do end up in a relationship with him someday, that discipline of letting him know how i feel will become an even more important practice; i always want him to know how i feel anyway, as a part of intimacy, but i also know it's healthy for me to do and that if he can't handle it he's not the right person for me. of course this works both ways; i always want to know how he's feeling with respect to me, as well. that's why, even though his feelings made me sad, i'm glad he shared them too; he also did nothing "wrong" with respect to me.

    but still, the angst. three days later he called on his own (reaching out! directly contradicting his request for distance) and we had a conversation that felt...different. fun and goofy but more gentle, more felt new. i ended up feeling really glad that we'd opened ourselves to each other. we became closer and more trusting and nobody got hurt. take the leap and share things with your person! if they're right for you, it'll be the right thing to do.

  98. Malissa says

    Hello Jane, I'm 18 years old & on May 23, 2014 my dad introduced me to a guy who I wasn't initially attracted to but he's in the Marines (he's 18 too graduated early) & I'm enlisted in the Navy due to leave Nov. 18, at the latest. Anyway we exchanged numbers & the next dayI had senior prom May 24, 2014 he told me to send him a picture & told me I was beautiful the following week he came to see me & I didn't really like him still he dressed nice but he was talking a lot. But I continued contact & he made me happy because he came to my graduation & my dad liked him, we kissed after our first date that night!, & the next day he showed up extremely late to my dinner & offered to take me out we ended up going to a park & making out & grew closer over the next weeks & I fell in love w/ him hard, I haven't seen him in 2 months but we talk on the phone, we haven't text or talked in almost 2 weeks & he texted me last night saying Hey, I replied Who This?.. no reply this morning.What do I say & do now?

  99. Antonia says

    I am 38 years old. I met a man on in November of last year. He has always been quiet and shy, and I have always been a loud bold person. But over a short time we both confessed we started having strong feelings for each other. We decided to meet even though we live on opposite sides of the country. I flew therr to meet him and we stayed together in a hotel for a week and had a wonderful time. . We grew even closer and would always be in constant communication in phone calls or texts. We talked about one of us relocating in the future and he said he might because he had nothing holding him to the state he lives in. He would text me the sweetest things in the morning before he was going to work and always Mar some kind of effort. He has sent me flowers numerous times and we always give each other gifts. We both decided to meet up again the same place we did before and we had another wonderful week. We have always been Comfortable about talking about committing to each other and we both have been exclusive. Our last night together in the middle of our making love, he whispered he loved me very faintly I think. Since I didn't know 100% if that is what he really said I didn't say anything back. I don't even know if he wanted me to hear it if that is what he even said. But anyway the next day he saw me of to the airport and kissed me and said he would miss me. The next day he Didn't respond to my text letting him know I got home. I told him whay a wonderful time I had with him and he replied back with a thank you. I tried calling and he didn't answer so I text him the next day wondering why I hadn't heard from him. He responded right away and said he was sorry his stomach had been hurting. We text back and fourth a few min then he went back to work. I text him again that night and he said he was a little better but not all the way. I asked him if he missed me and he said yes. I told him I wish he could be here for my birthday and he said it would be nice. I brought up how my feelings were growing for him and a few other things. He agreed with everything I said and then he said he was sleepy because it was almost 2am for him. I told him not to be a stranger and Loved getting messages and calls from him and le ft it at that. That was the night before last and he still hasn't called or text. I am having a bad feeling about this and I don't know if it could have been my fault somehow. I really am conflicted if I should make another contract yet if he hasn't yet or not. Please help

  100. marcia says

    Hello: my name is Marcia i being in a relationship about 7 months i like this guy a lot he is a gentleman he make smile and the same time he make me happy but the problem is that he being separated for 6 year with is wife she live in other state the communicate because of the grand kinds, the took custody of the grankids so she move to live with her grand and live him alone, then couple days he decided that he need some space to decide what he what to do and that when is say i'll call sometime soon, but i call him the next day and he that im girlfriend but he need to working through some issues.

    Please help and tell me what to do because a do care about

  101. Lindsey says

    Hi Jane,
    Really need some advice...Went out with a guy I met off okcupid, hooked up a little (just kissing, no sex or anything, he was cool with taking it slow) we both went out of town for a while after, he texted me while he was gone letting me know he wants to hang out when we are both back in town. I get back in town, we agree to meet, he cancels saying he's not feeling well, asks to get together the following week (didn't specify a day or anything) so I'm like sure that sounds fine, feel better, and I figured he would just stop texting me after I responded with that. Instead He then proceeds to text me all these compliments on my looks saying how hot I look several times and all that kinda stuff after canceling on me which I just found kind of annoying. Then ends by saying we will talk soon. Is he just stringing me along? I feel like why text me all those compliments if he is never planning on messaging me ever again, right? So is he just trying to keep me in his "Rolodex" of women, I suppose? I feel like he would have just flaked without saying all that superficial shit to me if he didn't want to see me again but at this point I just think he's playing games and I don't have time for that.

    • Jane says

      It sounds like he's getting out of this exactly what he's looking for, Lindsey, and it has everything to do with him. If he really wants to get together, you'd have heard something more definite from him by now. The why is that it wasn't about you, it was about him - whatever reason. And he's doing what works for him. Someone who wants to get together will make sure that's exactly what happens; because he'll make it happen!

  102. Aleisha Grant says

    I've been in a relationship with this gut for almost two years. Lately the communication has been low. It's because he is leaving for college and has been hanging with his friends more since he went see them. I don't get to see him much maybe one or twice every two weeks. But he hardly calls me anymore. And I hate to nag him. We will soon be in a long distance relationship. He's not the cheating type though. He thinks I don't trust him because I was on his Facebook 24/7 so he ended up changing his password because he felt smothered. He sad nothing has changed and he still feel the same way about me. I just want this long distance work I will see him on the college breaks also.

    • Jane says

      Aleisha, you never need to "nag" someone who is on the same page as you, who wants the same thing you do with you. Remember this. If you want more than he's willing to give you right now, take a closer look at that. Either it's your own insecurities, or there is something there, but nagging him about it only makes you feel worse. Accept the reality of what is and then decide for yourself if it's something you can live with or not. You deserve to be happy, too.

  103. Christie says

    I now realize that I actually wanted to call him but didn't do it because I though that it wasn't what I had to do, after a year of my silly decision of waiting for him to make the first move and call me I'm still in the same place with a broken heart. I was wondering: Is it too late for me to text him atleast just saying "how have you been?" or should I just give up and move on already?

  104. Marione says

    Dear Jane
    I am 26 years old. I met a man on Facebook in August 2013.But over a short time we both confessed we started having strong feelings for each other. We decided to meet even though we live on opposite sides of the country.He send me bus fee and went there to meet him in 2014 and we stayed together at his house for two days and we make love on the first night. He was always charting, busy with his phone and he left me alone at his house and go out meeting his friends. I asked him why and he told me that it was an emergency.But anyway the next day he escorted me of to the bus station and kissed me and said he would miss me. The next day he Didn't call me so i called him first and complaining why he didn't call or text he better tell me if he hates me and he told me that he likes me and if not he will tell me, I told him what a wonderful time I had with him and he replied back with a thank you he had a wonderful time too. the next time I tried calling and he didn't answer so I text him the next day wondering why I hadn't heard from him. He responded right away that he tried to reached me but my phone was off so I asked him if he missed me and he said yes. he called me again and starting calling me his wife to be he told me that he misses me and he wants to go out of the country and he will come to visit me there after. the last time he called and told me that he had a dream and i was in it, and i told him that i am going to take a shower will call him later i did so and he told me he was busy he will call me but That was the night before last and he still hasn't called or text ,Before he was texting me in the morning before he was going to work and asking me my plans for the day and so many things. . I am having a bad feeling about this and I don't know if it could have been my fault somehow. I really am conflicted if I should make another contract yet if he hasn't yet or not. Please help me!

  105. elizabeth says

    my boyfriend and i have been together for 9 months. he is loving, caring and considerate. we have had two break ups. right now he is going through a nasty divorce. our last break up was over an incident where my friend and i talked to her at a restuarant she came to. the restaurant was in my home town and i know she came there because she knew he took me there often. anyway i was wrong to do it. we went on a trip recently with all of his friends we had a wonderful time but on the last night i was emotional. i am experiencing heavy periods and emotional swings due to onset of menopause. unfortunately he told me he was not sure if he loved me during this agrument. he said everything was fine. i flew home he want back to his job in minneapolis. he texted once but i have not heard from him for two days. i texted and emailed that i had an appointment to fix my medical problem. no response. what do i do? he still has a few of my things so at some point we have to talk.

    my girlfriends said let it go. let him come to me. he is having a hard time at work and with his homelife but i am so sad. i miss him and i am afraid he will end our relationship for good. and well we are good together right now he has very little time together. what do i do. i really want this relationship to work out.


  106. Patricia says

    I want to say first that I really like this web site, a lot of good practical advice...with that said I am reading a lot about weather or not you should call him back after long chats, or texting or what ever communication you both used initially to get the ball rolling and left you with high hopes of him calling back and wanting to hook up again. I am I think older than a lot of the woman on this site and although communication has changed greatly over the years, I still use this rule of thumb when it comes to men and their interest in the opposite sex...#1 they really do like to work for what they get, if they get it too easily they generally don't appreciate it in the long run, they know you will always make the first move and they will if you allow it lay passively back and enjoy it for a while until something or someone else peaks their interest and they are off again for the chase knowing you will probably be there waiting, no matter how much they screw up. #2 and this is really important...if he's really interested in you, he will always, and I mean always find a way to call you back or get in touch with you. An interested man will scale mountains and cross oceans to get you to be his, no matter if he is busy, shy, or lives 6000 miles. It all depends on what you want in the long run, because believe me if you make it too easy for him, if you are always available, if you revolve your life around him, he will disappoint you in the long run...I have been on both side of the fence through my life and now I am faced with the same dilemmas you younger gals are. Men have not changed, and no matter how civilized you may think we have become, they are hard wired to hunt, and the more interesting the prey, the more they want it...xlibris

  107. Basetsana says

    Hi Jane

    I need some advice please all the way from SA...
    I met this guy just over 3 months ago and initially it was his friend that took an interest in me. His friend pursued me and we had somewhat of a fling for less than two weeks however I broke it off when I found out the friend has a gf. Shortly after that, me and him started spending time together. He'd come to my place atleast once a week for dinner (my first mistake, I know) and then the flirting started. In a room full of women, he'd pay attention to me like I was the only woman there. We'd chat via text almost everyday and spend most weekends together. We'd chat about EVERYTHING and everyone around us was telling us how we should just date cause it was ridiculously obvious that we like each other. He then told both my cousin and my best friend that I'm the woman for him, that he really likes me however there was the challenge of me having had been with his friend. In all this, he hasn't relayed this info to me and I can't help but wonder if that's his way of ensuring I get the message without confronting him or he wants me to confront him. I also am aware that his friend has noticed our connection and doesn't like it; the one night when I went to their place, he told me that he had another female in the room and so I left, only to find that was untrue and for some odd reason, this guy I like seems to think there still something between us when it ended over two months ago. On Monday we went out to a party and under the influence, we kissed, quite passionately. I had decided that I'm tired of all these games and would confront him to establish what's going on but then he went and lost his phone on Monday. We haven't spoken ever since. He hasn't made any attempt to try contact me and neither have I and I'm getting very frustrated cause I REALLY like this guy and I think about him all the time and I wana get this chip off my shoulder. If I do contact him it would be either through his friend that I had a fling with or through twitter. Either way, it's an extraordinary effort that I would be making, which, let's be honest, would mean I'm chasing him. I don't whether I should attempt contact or just let it go.

  108. Lana says

    Hi Jane, I must say I enjoyed reading this article & you give wonderful advices. I'm having some relationship issues. I went on a date with a guy who happened to be my friends ex, I didn't want to at first as I never believed in dating a friends ex. But I realised he was a nice, funny guy & he broke up with my friend a few years before I met her. My friend doesn't know we're dating, I chose not to tell her as I started noticing a change in her behaviour, she acts envious & jealous whenever I recieve a compliment or if we're walking & a guy pays me attention she acts as though it was aimed at her when it's obvious it wasn't. She also acts competitive in some of the things we do. I saw more of him & he asked me to become his girlfriend & I said yes. We've being together officially since the 28th of December 2014, I made sure I got to know him well. But this is the confusing bit, he doesn't call me often. He's at uni & I'm at college (he's 21 & I'm 19), I understand he may be busy. But is that why he shouldn't text? He'll text but take ages to reply back which may be linked to him being busy. We last spoke on Friday 23rd. My last reply to him was "I'm good thanks babe, how was your day." He didn't reply & i haven't heard of him since then. For some time now I'vevbeing re-evaluating our relationship & due to thia whole not talking thing I'm starting to question whether we should make it work or not. I'd like to give it a go but I'm not sure if he's really willing to. I haven't seen him since last week sunday. I've spoken to him before about how he feels about our relationship & if he's sure this is what he wants & he said yes, he really likes me. But right now I'm so confused with him not texting and not calling. Please help me and give me your honest opinion. Thank you Jane.

    • Jane says

      His actions are saying so much more than his words, Lana. Yes, he may like you and yes, he may want a relationship with you, but what you're seeing in his behavior of how often he calls or texts, how long it takes him to respond, are all apart of what he's comfortable with. This works for him. So the question becomes, will this work for you? If not, you're not on the same page. It also sounds like you've got an awkward, uncomfortable situation with your friend, his ex, so I would take a closer look at what's going on there for you - and him. If you're already questioning and re-evaluating your relationship, there's obviously a reason. Listen to that - and trust your gut instincts. Sounds like you already know your own answer.

  109. Jo says

    Hi Jane,
    I really love your website and all of the great advice that you give! I just wanted to ask for your opinion on a tricky situation I have at the moment. I have been dating a guy I met online for about a month. Things were going great, when we weren't together he would text me a lot, he seemed to be really into me - hinting about the future etc. On Friday night I stayed at his house for the first time, he cooked a meal and we watched a movie. When we went to bed it was fine at first, but then he could not maintain an erection. I acted as though I didn't mind and I was still affectionate. The next morning he was totally withdrawn, he was almost avoiding me for a couple of hours. Later on he made me breakfast in bed, and then we talked for a couple of hours and watched tv as if nothing had happened. However he was not very intimate, and only kissed me goodbye when I was leaving. Since then I text him saying thank you for a great evening and he replied saying that he was glad I enjoyed the meal that he made (no mention of anything else) and he hoped I had a good weekend. I text him last night (Sunday) asking how his day was, he said it was ok and asked how mine was. I replied asking him another question about his day but he has not replied. It's now Monday. I know that doesn't seen long but normally he would be in frequent contact with me, even just texting to say good morning/ good night etc. Usually in this situation I would think ok well he's just not into me anymore, but I am not sure what to do about this guy after what happened on Friday night. I don't know whether to mention something, to ask if he is ok (I know he's really stressed with work), or just to leave it? It just seems to have all changed since the incident on Friday night, I know he may feel embarrassed.. So I just wanted to ask for your advice on what I should do? Thank you x

    • Jane says

      Thank you for your kind words, Jo. I would just leave it alone. It's hard to say exactly what's going on with him, but this can be such a sensitive point for a guy, you're better off not discussing it either way unless he brings it up. Since you said you initiated contact with him both times since then and he hasn't reached out since, I would let it go. Whatever it is, it's not you. Clearly something is going on with him and it's not yours to take on or take personally. If he wants to talk further or see you again, you'll be the first to know.

  110. Awkward montessori student says

    Hey I loved your article but I have a question.
    So I go to a montessori private school. No dating or anything just crushes and whatever. So I have no idea how in the world to respond to that sort of thing.
    This guy that I really liked last summer out of the blue told me he liked me for valentines day. He did it over social media and I've only seen him once and I kind of ranaway. I could really use some help on how to respond. I was always the girl that said middle school dating is stupid, but I like most people always wanted to be loved and so on. Could middle school dating be real if... idk. Anyway he told me he liked me and I really like him but I have no idea how in the world to reply. I probably will not see him till summer and I have never been in a relationship nor kissed a guy since kindergarden. The only other problem is that my friend liked him too. I have no idea if thats true... But please help!

  111. fairycake says

    I must say that I do love reading your posts Jane but I feel that this post is popular because it is sort of saying it's ok to call him if that is true to your nature. I do agree it is essential to never be fake and to show your true self. Many readers have responded with their problems and your advice then tells them not to chase someone. I feel you meant that it's ok to call if you know you are on the same page, you are self aware and your instincts tell you it feels right but SO many people on here are having problems because their instincts have gone off the rails with loving the wrong type. I really believe a lot of them are feeling they can suddenly justify their actions and will push people away by chasing them. To me, it comes down to manners - taking turns, not assuming too much and not going overboard with someone you barely know. I know your advice to everyone was very sound but I feel many readers have taken this, "be yourself" idea the wrong way and are not willing to be patient or to grow. A confident woman doesn't panic and a man that's interested will need chains of steel to hold him back if he wants you.

    • Jane says

      Thank you for adding to this conversation, Fairycake; I'm so glad you brought this up. It gives me a chance to clarify my point here for everyone.

      "I feel you meant that it's ok to call if you know you are on the same page, you are self aware and your instincts tell you it feels right" - No, I mean exactly what I say here. Because it's not about any him, it's about each woman who finds herself in this situation. And doing what she can live with, doing what she needs to do for herself absolutely has to come first before any man and what he might think.

      If she is panicking, if she is so anxious that she can't get her mind off of him and feels so strongly that she just needs to know, then calling him, texting him, reaching out to him, isn't going to change whether they are on the same page or not or whether they are truly compatible. It only reveals to her what's really there, and what isn't, and allows her to get more of the answers she needs so that she can see this reality for herself, instead of believing that giving him more time, hanging on and waiting for his call or text a little longer - while she agonizes over what to do - is going to bring about the desired response.

      Yes, I couldn't agree more that "a confident woman doesn't panic and a man that's interested will need chains of steel to hold him back if he wants you" - absolutely! - but if that isn't what you've got, then honoring your own need to find that out will not change what is already there and what isn't.

      When we listen to a rule instead of our own feelings and instincts, we send ourselves the very clear message that someone else knows better than we do, and that is where the real damage is done. By listening to one's own instincts, by weighing what waiting for that communication is worth to us versus the reality of what we're feeling in that waiting period, we come to our decision and that's what feels so empowering if we allow it to. To know it was our decision, that we made that choice knowing full well that we can't control the response, but we did what we needed to do for ourselves - that's the whole point.

      It's not to get someone who doesn't belong in our lives in the first place, who could never love us the way we are, it's to empower ourselves enough so that we can change what we want to, that we can be the best we can be. But without that confidence first in listening to what we need and hearing ourselves right where we are, we miss out on a key opportunity to show ourselves our worth to the only person that worth matters to - our very own selves.

      I hope this helps, Fairycake. Please let me know if I can explain this further. You are so right that this can be such a confusing - and frustrating! - point for so many of us.

  112. Rose says

    Hi Jane,

    Great article. I don't usually do this, but after driving friends and family crazy asking for advice, I thought I'd turn to an outside source. I'm 24 and met this guy through a dating app. We talked for a week or so before exchanging numbers and texting nonstop. About a week later, we met up for drinks. We really hit it off and for someone like myself who usually takes a while to warm up to a person and come out of my shell, I was surprised to find that I was able to be completely myself so quickly. Neither one of us wanted the night to end so we took a walk around the city, stopped for dessert, and ate in the park. It was a perfect first date. At the end of the night, he got me a cab and texted me as soon as I got back to joke about some of the funnier events of the night.

    We continued texting throughout the week and he asked me over to watch a movie the following week since we were both exhausted from our long work days and not really up for going out. He said he doesn't usually invite girls over so quickly, but felt like we knew each other so well already. By the time the movie ended, it was late and we were both drained. He asked me to stay over, but promised it would just be to sleep. I eventually agreed, and he gave me pajamas and a toothbrush. We ended up talking and kissing all night long, and neither one of us wanted to leave the next morning.

    The next night was Friday; he came over and ending up spending the night at my place and then invited me over to hang out the next day. One night turned into three incredibly romantic nights, during which we ended up having sex. Once the weekend ended and I had to leave, he invited me to dinner for the following night.

    This pattern continued over the next two months. We were inseparable and things seemed to be going so well. We had the same family background, shared extremely similar past relationships, and just clicked on so many levels. On the days when he was really busy and had no time to text during the day, he would call me at night just to tell me he was thinking about me. I found myself really falling for this guy. Then for the first weekend in a while, I didn't see him. I didn't think too much of it because we both needed some time to hang out with our friends. We talked during the weekend, saw each other once during the week, but didn't talk as much as we had in previous weeks.

    When the next weekend rolled around, we texted again but he made no mention of seeing each other. He called me at 2am Saturday night. I didn't answer but after he tried again and texted me saying he really needed to talk, I returned his call. We talked for a while that night, and during the call he made a comment about how much he missed me when I wasn't there and how he felt like this was real but he wished I could stop with all my joking around. I realized I had been using humor to diffuse some of the more serious moments as a way to protect myself from being vulnerable around him because I knew how strong my feelings were becoming for him and I didn't want to get hurt.

    We texted the next day and he made a comment about not remembering anything about calling me last night and asked what he had said. I replied with one of the funnier comments he had made and he called me to find out what else he had said. I didn't really get into it all because I was heading out the door at the time, but said he had made some nice comments about me. He replied that he didn't mean any of it and said he took them all back. I figured he was joking and we ended the call with me telling him I'd tell him the rest some other time.

    After that call, I haven't heard from him in about two weeks. He always used to reach out to me first and I'm so scared that he's really done with everything or just isn't ready for a relationship. I feel numb and upset and so embarrassed because all of my friends and family knew about this great guy that I had been seeing. I really want to know what his deal is and how he could just disappear so suddenly after we'd had such a great time together and talked about all of the things we wanted to do together in future months.

    So what should I do? Leave it be and wait for him to possibly reach out? Should I reach out to him? I can't seem to get him off my mind, so any insight would be greatly appreciated!

  113. Elyssa B. says

    I clicked this for seeing the question in the title. I DID exactly as I should have: ignored him too. It doesn't make a difference anyway. He ignored my emails, never emailed to see how I am, never called or txt since he shoved me out. THANKS. I've merited all the above. I always knew I'd live and die alone. My motto? "Alone for life, life alone."

    • Jane says

      Or you can choose to see that you're now free to be with someone who would never EVER treat you like this, Elyssa B. How else could you have been so sure that he's not the one for you? You're only ever as alone as you want to be.

  114. Ally says

    Hi Jane, I am very confused at the moment. I dated this guy 3 years ago..but it did not last for a long time. He ended up dating another girl after me. He texted me during his relationship (we were still friends) and after they broke up he kept on asking me to go out with him. After a year of him asking me out I finally accepted. We were really happy and he even introduced me to his family, but now he has gone so cold. We argue about him not "trying" all the time. Sometimes he makes me feel as if he wants out. I haven't heard from him all day. I texted him once and he hasn't answered. Any idea why he might be acting like this?

    • Jane says

      It sounds like he's confused, Ally, and that's what you're picking up on - his confusion. You can either accept him for who he is and stop trying to get him to try harder, or free yourself to find someone who's already there. The choice is up to you. But fighting who he is, and trying to change him will only lead to more arguing and more disconnection for both of you.

  115. Tina says

    Hi Jane thanks for this article! Definitely a good read... I'm single and I have been for quite some time (2years) but I'm emotionally attached to a man and I have been for these two years. I recently moved 12 hours away but we have continuously been in contact, talking and texting daily. He had expressed to me that he loves me and cares for me and he has even sent Me gifts and money etc. He also said that he is not ready for a relationship. I was ok with it because I enjoy being a friend since I'm not dating anyone else. Just recently I had the gut feeling that he was falling in love with someone else, you know that can't eat can't sleep feeling. So I asked him about it, he totally avoided it saying, "whatever I want to do, do it" so I broke it off and I told him I thought we were closer and could communicate better. He ignored me ( not the first time he has) anyway, I really miss him, I accept the fact that we'll never be an item but I still really love him as a friend. I've reached out and he hasn't responded. I want to call him so bad but of course everyone says move on leave It alone and don't pursue. I want to so bad because its just me and I'm a loving person and I love him. What do you think I should do? Please respond.

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