Last month we discussed the reasons he hasn’t called. Since then, I’ve gotten a lot of questions about dating protocol regarding whether we should go ahead and call him, or wait it out and see if he comes around. It got me thinking about this topic and what’s really going on with this whole should I call him?, how long should I wait before it’s ok to call him?, etc. Why do we put so much of our energy into trying to figure out this simple decision? Because it has such implications.
Or does it? Does it really matter if we call him or not call him?
Of all the things I remember from my single days, that’s probably one of the most memorable; the “do I or don’t I call him” conundrum. You know, the one where you call your best girlfriends, or maybe even your mom, and go over the pros and cons of calling him or waiting for him to call. And waiting and waiting and waiting. And I started thinking about why it’s so hard for us to wait for him to call. And why it feels so much better to just pick up the phone and call him, even if we think we probably shouldn't And I realized that it’s because we live in such a proactive world where we’re always told we need to be doing something, always actively doing rather than passively reacting or waiting.
But that’s the confusing part. Because on the one hand, we’re told to be assertive (and certainly our professional lives are all about that), but on the other hand, the culture of dating is still mostly about him pursuing and us waiting to be pursued. And is also seems to be the way men and women are wired. Well, it can all be just a tad confusing when we’re trying to figure out what to do and how to navigate these waters. Is it just old fashioned? Maybe. I mean, times have changed, right? Women are empowered. But then we read something else that says, no, boy chases girl. It’s how we’re wired; it’s in our DNA. At this point, we’re right back to where we started. What do we do with all that?
Here’s the simple answer. If he hasn't called and you really want to talk to him, if he’s the right guy for you and you’re the right woman for him, it won’t matter. None of it. You can call if you want to; he can call if he wants to. You can wait if you want to, or don’t wait if you don’t want to. There. That’s it. I said it was simple. Because the very worst thing you can do if he hasn’t called yet, is to not be true to yourself. Where you start playing games. And falling into some kind of scripted roles. Something someone told you that you should be or do. Being or doing something that’s just not really what you’re all about.
When I look at the whole “call/don’t call” debate I went through in my single days with all the guys who were not the ones for me, and when I look at all the mistakes I made with the guy who turned out to be the real thing, I realize it’s true! It doesn’t matter. So save yourself all the agony, all the second guessing, all the frenzied conferences with your girlfriends, your mom, the cashier at the grocery store, your hairdresser, the guy in the apartment down the hall – you get the point. Just stop, relax and breathe. It’s ok.
All those books and advice from friends about the rules and all that stuff, it doesn’t matter. If he’s the right guy and you’re being real, and you call him when you’re thinking about him, it’s ok. And if it’s not ok with him, it’s still ok with you. Because that’s how we find out whether or not this guy is the right guy for us. If we’re ok with something, and he’s not, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. It just means that we’re not right for each other. So don’t blame yourself. Or your decision to call or wait. And whatever you do, relax.
It’s that simple.
P.S. When you’ve been used to being in relationships with crazy-making guys like the ones we’ve been with, it’s normal to over think this whole topic. Stuff like this mattered to them because they had lots of their own issues and weren’t ready for a real relationship in the first place. And trying to be in a relationship with that guy will just mean a lot of heartache. With a real guy who wants a relationship with you, it’s easy. And not crazy-making. Just follow your heart and know that whether you end up calling or not, waiting for him to call or not, it’s ok. If it’s the real thing, you’ll know. And if it’s not, you’ll know that soon enough too. And it won’t be because you went with the girlfriends that said to call, or your Mom who said to wait. It’ll be because it really wasn’t the right relationship for you.
About Jane
Very very nice article! thank you for writing it. You are so right, when u said "... ... Where you start playing games. ... ... ..."
I am an anxious person and have problems with patience and waiting, in general. But there are times, when I know that it's not about my lack of patience, but it's simply my need to call the person I kinda like. Today was one such day (I have nvr flirted with a stranger before, and last weekend was the first time I let a guy flirt with me who also took my number, pampered me all through the party , but then just didn't call).
I have been thinking hell and around to figure out why a guy who behaved SOOOOOOOOOO perfectly with me, would not call me. And this was going on my nerves. But i didn't know if i should call or not. And as u said, everyone tells u to wait wait wait. But I am a proactive person, and if I don't call i won't be true to myself. I am not in love or have a crush ... i am just curious cause i can't "understand" why he will disappear without any call.
I mean, I know mabye what he did was just for fun or to test to which limit he can attract a girl ... but if that was him, then this is the real me being curious and wanting to know. So I guess I will just give a casual call as a friend/acquaintance ... and whatever the outcome is, my curiousity will be satisfied and I will take my next steps without doubts in my mind
Aria - This is the most difficult situation for us women. The waiting and wondering. If you haven't already, it may help to read my latest post about guys who suddenly disappear.
Just know that while there's a slim (maybe 10%) chance that he lost your number and can't figure out how to get a hold of you, or he hit his head later that night and has mild amnesia, or (gasp) he's lying in a hospital comatose, it's actually more likely that he got a call from his ex that he wants to get back together with, he met another woman the next day that he is more interested in, he realized he's just not ready to pursue a relationship, he got scared, or some other similar scenario that made him make the crazy decision to pass up his chance at a beautiful woman like you.
No matter what happens, know that it's his loss and your gain, since he saved you the trouble of getting into a relationship with a guy that's not head-over-heels for you. You are a beautiful, smart, passionate woman and you have a lot going for you - save it for the guy that recognizes that. He's out there.
The fact that you were thinking so much about him when he didn't call, is the very reason why he didn't call. If he had you wouldn't be thinking about him. That is why we have to play these games. I am sorry.
And it's these very games that inspired this related post I wrote on how to tell if he's not really into you - if he plays games like this.
But how FUN is it to be in a relationship with a crazy-making guy! Just like a roller coaster of emotions!
Gessa - While I'm sure that you meant this in a humorous tongue-in-cheek kind of way, what you say has a ring of truth to it. For many of us women, due to our own inner insecurities, our hang-ups, our baggage, or whatever it might be from our past, we are hooked on these dramatic roller coasters of emotions, and we mistake this unhealthy drama for true love. The truth is, while it might seem exciting and fun at first, with all of the stomach churning anxiety, it quickly turns into something very not fun, and in the end very harmful to our delicate, precious feminine psyches, leaving us overloaded with baggage that can infect our future relationships.
Again, I know (I hope!) you were joking, but thank you for bringing up this very important point, because if you ever feel like you're having fun in an anxiety-laden roller coaster of emotions relationship, it's time to look within and do the work on yourself to understand why you're attracted to this kind of unhealthy relationship. A good place to start is with this post I wrote on how to stop attracting the wrong types of guys.
GOLLY! After searching and searching, and endless googling for advice on the "dreaded question," this is such a breath of fresh air! Not to mention, absolutely right! No more stress about whether to call or not. If he is for me, he is for me! If not, he's not! Plain and simple. Forget all these mixed messages. He called me last week to chat, and I will certainly give him a call tomorrow--that is, if I feel like it! God bless you!
I'm glad you found the article so helpful, Elyssa. That's what it all ultimately comes down to; if he is the one for you, you'll know. And if he is, that means he's calling you. It really is that simple but we make it so much more complicated because that truth can be so hard to accept. Glad I could help!
Thank you for this. It made me feel so much better to see the big picture. If he calls, I'll know he's worth it. If not, I'll move on and continue being awesome.
You got it, Mariella. And I love that - "... if not, I'll move on and continue being awesome." Love it!
Integrity and basic polite behavior. If you say you are going to call then do what you say. Period. If I had an appointment that I booked (agreed to) and I couldn't make it, I would certainly do the polite thing and call in a respectful amount of time before the said date/appointment (or at least email or text) and call it off. It's just polite. Lie if you have to, makes no difference to me actually, nor would I likely even know the difference, I just don't like to be held somewhat hostage by the 'planned' call or coffee date that never materializes. It's basic, respectful behavior. This is why, for me, guys that don't DO what they SAY they are going to do lack basic respect and integrity.....and therefore are not for me! Epic fail boys...
Excellent points, Sandie. You summarized the concept well!
Sandy,
Yes! Epic fail and sadly, keeping your word is the most basic form of good character and/or integrity. We are ONLY AS GOOD AS our word.
Ok, I've met this guy online and after many emails that same night he gave me his number to call him. I waited about an hour to call and he messaged me back to ask me why haven't I callled him yet and I finally did. So we chatted to 3 hours and ended the call because I had to go to work and after I said goodnight and ended the called a few minutes later he txted saying he would like to keep talking to me and whatnot and maybe meet in the future if i like to as well.And i said ok that is fine with a smiley face. I can tell that he is extremely shy but I didn't say anything about it. And the next day I txted him once he replied but since I was at work it took me a while to reply back. Ive waited a day and I didn't call him till the day after and he thought it was his fault for not calling me because he was real busy and wasn't able to call me, and apologized and all that. Which I thought was so cute of him. And we chatted for like hours again till in between umms and stammering(also soo cute) finally asked me if I wanted to meet him but he was scared to asked because he didn't want me think he was a creeper.. (He added me on facebook and everything)and i told him sure we can meet,. And he asked me what time is good for me and I told him on the weekends either Friday or Saturday and he said that its fine either day and that I just have to call him to let him know when. And that was since tuesday that we talked about this. And haven't heard from him two days later. And now I am wondering since today is Friday should I call him or should I wait till Saturday or should I follow the no call him rule. Because I had called after tuesday once just to say hi but he didn't answe and me when I call a guy I only call once. He'ss see my missed call, I don't want to seem psycho or anything. But now I'm wondering since he said to call him to let him know when Friday or Saturday I can go out with him, should I call. I am soo confused. I am new to this dating thing since my last relationship from my ex of 3 years and it has been real hard to just meet the right guy this past months. And I really like this guy. Help!!!!
Coming back to the dating thing and trying to figure out the rules is never easy, Christina; it sounds like you've found a guy who finds it easier to passively allow someone else to pursue him than taking the initiative himself, which sets you up to be in an awkward position of pursuer. If you are comfortable with this, then it sounds like this is what he wants, as he keeps asking you to call him and do all the work. But if this isn't working for you, then let it go. You don't really know him yet, and it takes time to get to know someone, so if he is interested, and you are interested in him, it will happen without you worrying about whether or not to call him.
He knows how to reach you as well; you don't need to be the only one responsible for getting together with him. At this stage, and with you having set up a pattern of calling him, I don't think it will matter if you call him or not. You'll know soon enough either way. In the meantime, remember that dating is to get to know someone, and there really are no rules other the rules you make. If you're keeping the focus on you, living your own life, following your passions and remembering all that you are and all that you have to offer someone, with a little practice, you'll find it's not so much about finding the right guy for you, as much as it is about finding out just how right you are all by yourself.
I've known my crush for a year. He's great: funny, charming, sweet. But when I met him, he was going through a divorce so being his friend was the only option that worked at the time. Over the past month or so, we've become even closer as friends. His divorce became finalized, so that helped me feel a bit better about my crush. About a month ago, he asked if I'd like to grab a beer with him. Well, the beer turned in to over eight hours of conversation and ending with kissing. I was so excited--I thought he finally felt the same way I did! Well, since then I've tried to contact him three times and I've never received any type of return message. I don't know what I'm more upset about--the fact that he doesn't see me as a girl he wants to date or the fact that I seem to have lost a friend who meant a lot to me. I'm wondering if it's pointless to continue trying to contact him. I know the rule says 'wait for him to come to you' but I miss my friend. I don't know what to do.
Of course you miss him, Maggie - you've lost both hope and a special friend. That's doubly painful. Since you've already tried contacting him three times with no response, it sounds like the answer is pretty clear that he's just not able to give you anything right now. I know that hurts, but please know that this is all about him and not you. It doesn't change anything about how wonderful a woman you are and how much you have to offer someone who's ready and open to a real relationship with you. You could keep trying to contact him if you need to for your own peace of mind, but I think it will have the opposite effect.
He knows how to contact you if he wants to, but right now, a little time and space away from focusing on him and what's going on with him will help put this in some perspective. Put the focus back on you and giving yourself what you need and deserve in love. There are so many possible reasons why he's not responding that have nothing to do with you, Maggie. Really they don't. Comfort yourself by knowing that if he is the one for you down the road, it will happen. But right now, accept his silence and let it be as much as you can. This will get easier, I promise you.
I met thits guy, went up to him even though I was so nervous. He talked to me for a minute gave me his # n told me to make sure I call him. Well I texted him we texted for 2 days nothing too in depth and I asked him to call me. He said he would in 20mins and well I never heard from in 2 days. I feel like I shouldn't initiate contact because he said he would call me and at a certain time. But another part of me feel like I'm too old to play these games and I wanna text him just to say hi. Idk I feel like I showed him I was into. I went up to him, I got his # I texted him first and I asked him to call me. I couldn't let him now I was into him anymore than that. What do I do ?
You're very right, Marie - you couldn't have let him know you were any more into him than you did. For whatever reason, his behavior is showing you that he's just not on the same page as you right now. He knows how to get ahold of you, so I would leave it alone for now. It's always so much better to find out early on whether someone is on the same page as you are, so consider yourself fortunate to know this now! There is someone else out there who will be thrilled to have your phone number and call you!
I might give it two weeks, or three. I tend to lose interest with time, so if in three weeks he's stil on my mind, i'll be detached enough to give him a call- just for fun. However, I will bare in mind that he's absolutely not "the one" as he failed to initiate contact first.
That's a really healthy approach to take, Sandie. And how absolutely true that he is not going to be "the one" if he wasn't making that initial contact first! You've got it!
Hi Jane! My situation is a little different,
we dated off and on for over a year. He moved
in a couple times and I told him to leave. I was
Also pregnant and lost the baby. That is when the in and out
Started after we lost the baby. It's been a few months
Now since he called it quits. But we are still in contact. His
Friends and family does not want him to come back with
me. I know he loves me but he says he does not know
Whether to believe that am really sorry. If he doesn't want to
be with me why does he still call, text me and sometimes
Comes to see me? I really do love him and am truly sorry for
Telling him to leave. What should I do?
I'm so sorry about your loss, Sandy. It sounds like you both have some conflicting feelings here about your relationship. Obviously, there was a reason you asked him to leave, and now you are regretting this, but it sound like he's on the fence as well. Without knowing the specifics of the relationship, it's hard to know what is really going on for both of you.
Before making any decision, I would begin by asking yourself what you are looking for from him and from this relationship. Whenever there is a push and pull type of characteristic to a relationship, that's a big red flag that this is not a healthy relationship for either person. Sometimes real love can be confused with something else, and anytime a relationship is more complicated than it is loving, these are signs that we need to take a closer look at whether this relationship is truly honoring us.
If you truly miss him and believe the two of you have a chance at a healthy, strong relationship in the future, be honest with him and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. Give him a chance to respond to what you are saying and from there you will at least know where things stand. It sounds like you have enough history with him to be able to have that kind of open communication with him, but if you don't, or if he isn't able or willing to have that kind of honest interaction with you, at least you will have a clearer picture of what you really do have with him.
Thanks so much Jane for your advice. I
guess only time will now tell what the
future between us holds, We are both only
26, I guess this was a reality check in our
grown up worlds. And sometimes in life, things
happen for a reason, although at the time we
may not know what the reason was.
Thanks again Jane, we love you in Springfield!
I am confused. I have been seeing this guy two and a half weeks. He has texted me (we text because both of us hates talking on the phone plus our cell phone plans have limited talk minutes but unlimited messaging) at least once a day and we see each other a few times a week. We have both said we aren't seeing anyone else (though we haven't discussed the possibility of a relationship yet) and he has said he really likes me. Though he didn't text me this evening as he usually does during his dinner break at work, enough though I saw he had commented on some photo on facebook. So I knew he was on his phone. After about an hour I texted him saying I missed his nightly text (he works late). He responded an hour after that saying he had been really busy at work, was tired and had a lot on his mind. I said I was sorry that he was busy, didn't mean to bother him and I had just noticed he was on facebook earlier (to let him know I'm not stupid if he really was ignoring me). If he has time to go on facebook he has time to text me I think. I can't help but feel blown off. Should I take this as an insult? He has been so good up till now.
I would give him a little space to see how he responds now, Jess. You've been direct with him; you've been clear with him about what you expect from him, and how you want to be treated. He knows you're not afraid to speak (or text) your mind. Now it's up to him to fill in that gap with where he's at, and you will know from his response (or lack of one), whether he's on the same page as you. Either way, you'll know more. It takes time to get to know someone, and it's hard to know how you really feel until you take that time. It's early; you'll know whether this is a relationship you want to pursue soon enough.
Quick question - I've been seeing this guy who's been going through a lot (change in job, works long hours, might move, grandfather dying). About a week ago, he texted me saying he was feeling down/upset, and asked if i could maybe come over. I responded, "I really want to be there for you, but it's too late at night/last minute.. but I would like to see you tomorrow". He was understanding, but then the next day, his grandpa ended up dying, before he could even say his goodbye, and he had to fly down to see him/help with funeral, etc. I texted to say "I was sorry I didn't get to see him/cheer him up, and hoped that he was okay". He never responded. Its been almost 10 days, and I haven't heard from him. I'm worried I did the wrong thing, as he was close with his grandpa and he also lost his mom when he was younger. I don't want to pursue/chase him, but I'm not sure if I should text him to see if he's okay/so that he knows that I care and am there for him... OR just go about my business and wait around in hopes he'll eventually contact me?
I greatly appreciate all your help; you're truly so sweet to be providing such helpful advice. Thank you so much, you are a God-send
.
Julie,
As I was reading everything you wrote, what came to my mind is that you said and did EVERYTHING perfectly!...So, no. You did NOT do the wrong thing...very much the opposite. The loss of a very influential person in ones life can be shattering for days, weeks, and even months! This one will take some time. I would just maybe text him once every 7 days for a few weeks that you are thinking about him and praying for him Each time you text though, change it up a little bit...after two weeks and no response, start spreading the text from 7 days to 14 days...and so on. Even if you were married, your husband would act withdrawn so this is normal. "As we are all getting older, we are starting to lose our own parents and/or adult relatives. Always try to remember they leave us with a legacy of something we should continue...and if there are broken pieces handed to us...repair them...and put back together so the legacy we leave is complete." ~ Damien
Go ahead a steal that quote from me...maybe find a way to put that in a text to him but WAIT much longer. Some people don't want to hear what sounds like 'advice' when they are going through this. They just want to know you're strong and will be there when they get past this...so maybe wait a whole month if you haven't heard from him to send my quote...or, memorize it and use it when you DO get a hold of him and you SENSE he would be ready to hear my quote.
We all have different ways of relating to illness and death, Julie, and there's no way to know how your guy has been affected by the death of his grandfather. What is clear, is that you responded with a very reasonable and healthy response to his request for you to come over late at night with little notice. You acknowledged his request, you let him know that it was too late at night on such short last minute notice, and you still let him know you cared by affirming your desire to be there for him, but at a reasonable time - the next day. If every one of us could respond like that to a guy we're seeing and interested in - acknowledging him but being true to ourselves first and foremost, how much healthier all our relationships would be! So please don't be so hard on yourself thinking you did the wrong thing. Remember that it is your essence a man falls in love with, not based on any one thing you do or don't do.
If you do feel like reaching out to him again, then I don't see anything wrong with contacting him just to check in and let him know you do care. He may not have been in an emotional or physical space to respond when you texted him 10 days ago. While he certainly knows how to contact you, under the circumstances, at the very least he'll know someone cares about him as he's going through this, and you'll feel better reminding him that you are there for him if he wants to reach out. Then let it go. Let whatever comes back to you in terms of a response of a lack of one, release you to go about your business as you say, but without the waiting around for him to contact you. Know that if he is interested in pursuing something further with you right now, he will contact you. If he is someone who could be the one for you, you will know. But if he isn't, and you don't get that response from him that you're hoping for, know that none of this is about you. People come in and out of our lives for a reason, and if you can simply accept this simple truth and keep the focus on you and your life, you will eventually find someone who is as interested in being with you as you are with them, whether it is this guy or not. You deserve nothing less than this!
So this guy and I that I met on POF have been chatting for a few weeks now. We began with Emails and then exchanged numbers. Things seemed to progress nicely, we texted numerous times per day (haven't talked on the phone yet cause I'm just not a big phone talker as I'm a single mom and it's really hard to have a phone conversation with a child yammering in the background).
Now yes we text, but I have to admit it does take him a bit to reply. He works during the week and sometimes it will be several hours before he will reply to a text message. I just shrug it off as he's busy at work, because I get busy too.
A week after texting we set up our first date. Things seemed to go well; we talked, laughed and got to know each other a bit. Our date ended with a kiss. He kissed me and of course I gladly reciprocated.
We still chatted since the date and agreed for a second one. We usually will alternate the 'good morning' text, and this time I offered him a good morning and that I hope he has a great day (around 8am). Typically he would tell me the same and we'd continue to chat through-out the day. However, for some reason he hasn't replied to me. No text, no call or Email.
I understand if you're busy, we all get there when we can't reply back; but not reply all day? Just seems a bit odd. I sent him a text about 20 mins ago (5:30) and so far no response.
Should I just leave it alone and see if he replies? Is this a subtle hint that he's not interested? Usually I am not bothered by things like this but I wanted to get to know him more and we seemed to click.
It's always hard to know what's going on with someone in the beginning stages of a relationship, Sarah, but it sounds to me like it would be reasonable for him to contact you after you've initiated contact twice today, based on his texting history with you this far. I would give him some time to see if he responds in the next day or two, and by the point, even if he's lost his cell phone, he should have had enough time to find a way to contact you. At that point, you will know more.
If this is a subtle hint to let you know he's not interested, it's not a very considerate or mature way to go about about, but unfortunately, it happens just like this all the time to the best of us. You will know by his response, or lack of one, what the story is; and if he doesn't respond, you can choose whether to let it go or keep trying to reach him. Remember that a man who's interested won't let anything get in the way of pursuing someone he's truly interested in; it's just sometimes really hard for us to understand this and not take this personally. Sometimes, we really just need to know. Either way, you will know very soon where he stands.
Dear Jane
Well, this is my story and its complicated. I was out having fun with my friends and this guy approached me and asked me for my phone number. Even though he wasn't my type I gave him my number anyways and he texted me the next day then he invited me out! We went to see a movie and had a great night and we had seen each other a couple times a week...then he tells me he just got out of a relationship and didn't want to miss the chance with me. I told him that its not right that he did that to me because it would never work the way he wanted too because he was not over his girlfriend. He is really nice and may be the one, but I get the feeling that we meet at the wrong time. I really don't know what to do because he's everything that I've been looking for. I was upset with the situation because I can't it think that I'm gonna let this man go! After some time, I told him it was best we be friends and he agreed, feels that he thinks that i was his one too. This was a horrible situation, but I've had some time to get over the fact that even if we both felt that way that it may not be our time or we're just meant to be friends in the end.....I can't explain y this always happens to me!
He's not everything you're looking for if he's not available in every sense of the word. In fact, sometimes, someone becomes even more attractive to us simply because he isn't available, a sign that you need to take a closer look at yourself and why you would find someone attractive who isn't that into you. If this does seem to be a pattern, check out a post I wrote about why you keep attracting the wrong guys, and see if this sheds some light on what is really going on.
And be confident, Bow, that if the two of you are meant to be together, you will be. There will be another time and place where you will both be ready and available and on the same page to make it work. But it takes two, and right now, he's obviously not there. Be proud of yourself for standing up to him and calling it like it is! You deserve nothing less than someone who is emotionally and physically available and interested in pursuing a relationship with you.
Jane,
The strangest thing happened to me after you gave me some advice...Well this man that I called my friend invited me to dinner to tell me about how he was going to get back with his girlfriend and he started to ask me questions on how he can get back with her...The strange thing was I felt like walking out on him, but I didn't...Instead I gave him advise and wished him luck...And that was it...Boy did i really take a load of my shoulders...I have never been in a healthy relationship, with that being said; I read your article about why so many women attract men who are unavailable and just the same old type of men...So, I'm gonna take the time to love myself and live life like I've always wanted too...And enjoy my single life while I can...And when the time comes he'll walk right in...So, I feel someday he will come into my life when I'm ready and truly know what I want...
Thank you...
It sounds like you found some strength within yourself that you didn't even realize was there, Bow. And found out how truly letting go of something that isn't meant to be, instead of fighting it like we so often do, leads to a better end. Be so proud of yourself. You're on the right track; this is your time - live it to its fullest. He truly will come into your life when you're ready for him and clear on who you are and who he is. You've got it!
Dear Jane.
I've known this guy for over two years now. We live in different countries so I don't see him, but we talk about everything, marriage, kids, how we'd raise them etc.
He gets all my attention, even though I don't know where I stand; I have asked him what the deal is but he'll say something along the lines of you have to be friends before becoming a girlfriend, wife etc. and that your wife or husband should be your best friend. I would just like to know where I really stand but he'll never give me a straight answer.
I'm a great believer in love, I have deep feelings for him but he isn't open with his. My biggest fear is that I'll go out one weekend and meet someone new.
I'm in my late twenties, attractive, running my own business. He is in his late thirties and very successful, both career and money wise.
I'll admit, I do tend to focus on little things during our conversations. But that is our only method of communication, he says I pick on things too much. I feel like I do the majority of the calling, and now its been 4 days and I haven't heard from him. Once I stopped talking to him for a few months and he asked me why I stopped calling. I could have asked him the same thing but I didn't. Do you think he is expecting me to call him?
I feel like giving up on him, would that be too harsh? HELP!
I feel like giving up on him because its been two years and no progress. My mum is getting worried that I'll never meet anyone : ( He consumes most of my thoughts, I feel stuck.
He is being very evasive with you. He doesn't directly answer your question of where things stand, and that is a huge red flag. Even bigger is the fact that you feel like you need to ask him in the first place. Because if this "relationship" was flowing along like a real relationship, you wouldn't need to ask. You would just know. You would have that kind of openness with each other that you both were comfortable communicating on that kind of intimate level that comes from being open to each other in the first place. And although it sounds like you very much are; it doesn't sound like he is. Not being open with his feelings when you are open with yours is another red flag. Either you're opening up too soon and scaring him away - in which case, he is probably not on the same page as you, or he just isn't ready to be open to you - another indicator that he's not there where you are in terms of commitment and where this relationship is going.
Only you know how long you are ok with waiting around for someone where there has been no progress. Personally, two years seems like a very long time to wait for someone to come around. Of course it is hard to not have him consume your thoughts when you aren't getting much more from him than so many reasons to analyze his behavior! I don't think giving up on him would be at all too harsh; in fact, it sounds like he is surprised you are giving him as much attention as you are. But ultimately, only you know what you are willing and not willing to wait for. If you haven't already read it, a post I wrote on why you keep attracting the wrong guys, may give you some additional perspective on why you find someone so appealing who gives you so little in return for your deep, loving, beautiful feelings. You sound like such a loving, giving person, Mary, just make sure the person who you give that love to gives you as much love of himself in return. You deserve nothing less than this!
Dear Jane
I need advice. This is a romantic story I think. I met this man a year ago and there was a connection when we met but nothing came of it. He owns horses and was doing hay rides seasonly at a place i visit in the fall. The first time there I noticed him him watching me walk away as i turned back to get another look. The next time I went there he made it clear to me that he remebered me from 2 weeks ago and how he saw me over by the pumpkins which was the path I took when he was watching me walk away. ( This made my heart stop and I never forgot how detailed he was on that first time seeing me.. He also asked me as I was leaving if I would be coming back the next day because his other horses would be there. Well, I did not go back up there. This Sept, there he was again and the first thing he said to me was, I remember you from last year. We spoke briefly. When the hayride was over I said to him as I was leaving, see you Columbus Day weekend and he asked, will you be here next weekend and I said I do not think so. I went back Columbus Day weekend and not much happened he walked up to me and said hi our eyes met, I froze and kept walking. I got on the hayride with my daughter and when it was over, I was waiting for people to leave, I looked up at him he was looking down at me and we smiled looking right into eachothers eyes.and I left. We have great eye contact. I could not forget his eyes or him. I did not want to wait another year to talk to him. I could not speak to him when I was there I was nervous and there were to many people around. I was going crazy on what to do. well I did a crazy wild thing. I wrote him a note, went up there before he would get there to work and hung it on a tree where he hangs his hay ride sign. The note said, It would be nice to talk to you some time. I put my name and number on it.. He called the next day a Sunday left a message letting me know he t the note and that he would be there that day and next weekend and said talk to you then . i was not sure why he did not leave his number. I never contacted him even though his number was on my phone. The next weekend came I had no plans on going up there to see him beause he did not leave his number for me. Well Sat night came and he left a message that tomorrow 9Sunday was his last day up there for this year and if I could stop up and he hoped to see me there. I melted and went to see him. We talked and i had to leave for a function he said keep in touch. Well, i was stunned wondering what the heck that ment I told him the same thing and left. There were some people around. Although, I was certain that comment ment I am not interested. Well he called me that following Sat and left me a message saying if I wanted to get together sometime to give him a call and he said thank you I called him back the next day on Sunday, though I was sick, so we did not talk long and he said when you are feeling better call ne we can get together or just call me. WelI, I felt he should have called to see how I was feeling but did not. I decided on Friday 5 days later to call him. I was a nervous wreck and we talked. He told me he was thinking of me earlier I said you should have called. He said I was going to tomorrow. I asked him about getting together on Sunday but he could not his dad was going in for heart surgery on Monday. He did say I would like to see you. I did not hear from him again till Wed so another 5 days went by and I made my mind up not to do the calling from the beginning. We talked a little I told him I thought of calling him and he said you could have. I told him I did not want to bother him because he had alot going on but I was thinking of him and hoped everything went o,k with his dad. He did not say anything. I was surprised he did not say thank you or that is nice. He talked about his dad and i did most of the talking after that. Then out of the blue, he said well I am going to let you go now. I said oh o,k well have a good night and I have not heard from him since. I do not understand. . It is driving me crazy. My girfriend thinks I an trying to hard to not be the aggressor that maybe he thinks I am not interested. She thinks that it works both ways that if I do not call or talk about getting together at all that it could be giving him that impression. The thing is I really like him i am just nervous. i am 45 he is 49 we have busy lives and we live an hour from each other. He does not seem to be an aggrssive type either. I really want to call him but i am now more nervous because he has not called. i am really confused!! i have turned into a cranky edgy person. i am just not sure what to do. Thank you.
Sometimes, Carla, the hardest thing to do is to listen to ourselves and our gut instincts and discover we have the very answers we are looking for right there within. There's a reason you hesitated to call him when you were thinking about him. There's a reason you're feeling more nervous now because he hasn't called. This isn't really about you at all; it's about him. He's not there. He's not on the same page as you are. He might have wanted to be. He might have thought he was ready for a relationship or whatever else with you; but by his actions and the way your interactions have gone, he clearly isn't up for it. If he was, you would clearly know. He would be contacting you, pursuing you, not waiting for you to call him or waiting more than a few days between calls.
A man who is ready for a relationship and interested in pursuing something with you does exactly that, even if he's on the shy side. Know that you did everything you could. You clearly let him know you were interested. This really wasn't about you.
As hard as it is to accept how something with so much potential could end up like this, comfort yourself by knowing that if the two of you are right for each other, you will be together in the end. But for now, let it go. Let him go. I know it's not that easy to do, but know that you deserve someone who doesn't keep you guessing, doesn't leave you confused and wondering what's going on and unsure of whether it's ok to call him or not. That's not the stuff of real love and real mutual reciprocal relationships. And that, Carla, is what you do deserve. And what you will find waiting for you one day when you refuse to waste your time with someone who just isn't there, no matter how much it seems like it could be.
Hi Jane
I do deserve better. The only thing issince leaving the note, I do not call him, I do not press anything with him as far as seeing him so I do not know what he would be running away from. I am trying to just be his friend at this point and get to know him. There is no pressure from me at all. I do not persue him. This makes it even more confusing to me.
I hear what you're saying, Carla; it is confusing when you haven't been the one pursuing him. There comes a time for many of us, when our need to understand, our need to know what is going on with a particular man overrides anything else we might be feeling. And when we are in that state, a call to him to find out more, to talk to him or at least attempt to, never hurts. If anything, it only brings to pass sooner what was already going to be, and doesn't change the reality of what is or is not. And sometimes, this is the only way we can truly get on with our lives. So reach out to him if that's what you feel you need to do. Call him, or leave him a message or whatever it is you're comfortable with. It's always more important to be true to yourself and honor you than follow any particular rule. And then, at least, you will know more.
Hi there Jane! Great article! My problem's kind of different. My boyfriend asked for space two days ago and now I really miss him and Im worried that he might be just waiting for me to contact him. Im having doubts to contact him or not since he asked for his space and Im afraid that he might push me further if I contact him. When would be the best time to contact him? please help me. Thanks!
Thanks, Yang; I'm glad you enjoyed this article! If your boyfriend has asked for space and your relationship has been based on honest communication and not playing games, then the most respectful thing to do is honor his request and give him space. Without knowing the specific circumstances that led to his request, or what that conversation looked like, it's hard to say when you should or should contact him. What I do know is that in a healthy relationship, two people can communicate freely and openly with each other, so it would be completely reasonable for you to ask him what his definition of space means, and specifically, for how long.
If he would ask for space only to be playing a push and pull game where he is only waiting to see if you'll contact him anyway, you may want to reevaluate your relationship and what it is you are really missing. Sometimes, when someone moves away from us, our response can be more about our own abandonment issues that are being triggered than the relationship itself.
Hi Jane!
I have been talking to this guy online for a few months and things were great! We played games together, talk about how things were and our views on life. But here's the thing, he rarely initiate a conversation with me , I even gave him my number for him to reach me!
I am having a crush on him and I am tired of being the 1st to start a conversation, soo... I joked to him that his high ego wants to get me to message him 1st, like "HEY THIS GIRL IS TOTALLY INTO ME AND IS TALKING TO ME 1ST.", He apologise in a joking manner after that.
Then from then on he started to message me 1st whereas I stop messaging him 1st. He tried to ask me out but I rejected him, because he dont seem to be much interested in me. I am scared of falling too deep.
Did I do the right thing for telling him that he dont message me 1st? It was a sudden burst of anger and frustration that made me say it, I am regretting it now.
Love your article by the way!
I will be thankful for your help!
You didn't say or do anything wrong, Egurl. In fact, so often we tiptoe around saying what our hearts and souls are trying so hard to say, that for those of us who aren't used to communicating directly and saying it like it is, and calling someone on their behavior, sometimes it takes being angry or frustrated for us to finally speak up! So don't beat yourself up. Ultimately, if he's going to fall for you, it will be because of the essence of you and not because of any one thing you do or don't say or do.
And if you're tired of being the first to initiate a conversation with him, then simply stop being the one to initiate it and see if he does. If he doesn't, it's a just a sign that he isn't on the same page as you, and not a rejection of you! A guy who is truly interested in you will be the first to let you know. But if he's not, don't take that as a rejection of you and all that you are. See it as a gift that will save you from worse heartbreak down the road, and will keep you from wasting your life and time on someone who isn't looking for the same thing you are. You never need to settle for anyone who doesn't truly get you and all that you are, and embraces that you because you're exactly what he has been looking for!
Hello to all the ladies on this forum.
I know I am really out of place, but I think that I might just get the advice I am looking for from a woman’s perspective. So I am hoping some of you can help me in my situation. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.
So, I met this girl through a mutual friend, who set us up on the basis that we were both single and looking for a relationship. When we first started to talk, the first couple of weeks we talked everyday until the early hours of the morning. Since we both were busy with work, that slowed a bit, but we still talked everyday, exchanging messages and calling in the evening. She used to take the initiative to message me a ‘morning’ and ‘miss u’ type of messages. When we met, we were instantly attracted to each other and we hit it off. We were immediately close and affectionate straight away.
It was like this for about 6-8 weeks, but I did notice that the messages were slowing, but I was ok with that – as I understood that we were kind of in the honeymoon period. Even still, we were talking and exchanging affectionate messages to each other. Her family instantly knew about me (even though I have not met them) and in particular her mother knew that we were dating. From my perspective, I had met a person that had the same cultural background, similar up bringing; we both have the same interests (I am a musician and she is a part time signer). I really did think that I had met somebody that I could see a potential long-term relationship with.
We had talked on a particular Wednesday where she said she wanted to spend the following Friday or Sunday with me. So here I am thinking, I get to see her soon and things are great. The next day, we missed each other’s calls; I got a few messages asking if I was ok, as I was stuck in a meeting and could message her right away. I got back to her saying I was fine, and that I will call her. When I did, she did not answer, it was late – I waited for a call and she did not call.
The next day I sent her a message asking if she was ok, and she said she was in hospital helping a friend.
Suddenly, I get a message saying that she is not sure if she can do this, and that I make her feel guilty when both of us are not able to reach each other. She went on to say that things were getting too intense and that she had lots going on in her life. I was naturally stunned, as I did not see that coming, in fact it was her demonstrating the affection and telling me cute things.
I left it for a few hours, and sent her a message saying that I didn’t know where this came from, and apologised if I ever made her feel uncomfortable. I explained that I thought things were mutual and that I wanted to clear the air. The next day, she text me saying, that I should not over think anything, as she totally understands that I have not intentionally made her feel that way. She said she was just being sensitive and that she will call me later on, or in the morning. She didn’t call for a week.
I called her to clear the air, and I laid my cards on the table, telling her that I liked her and that I wanted to know if she was on the same page, and wanted a relationship we can build upon. I said I did not want a friendship, but don’t mind-taking things slow if it was freaking her out. She said she wanted to still work on a relationship with me and did not want a wishy washy relationship. She also said that her life is really busy and she’s struggling to juggle things.
Since this day everything has changed, she stopped initiating any calls or texts. When I call her, she tells me she’s call me back soon, and usually texts me very late saying sorry she didn’t get a chance. She actually doesn’t call me back, so I suppose she gets away with it by sending a text.
Here is where I am confused; when we meet (we have seen each other twice since this episode) everything seems normal. She is affectionate, telling me she wants to spend time with me etc. The very next day, she stops messaging off her own back to see how I am. I can pretty much guarantee if I don’t call or text, I probably wont get anything back from her.
When I eventually speak to her, again she seems normal. I just don’t get it. Now, she literally has stopped completely and its been 3 days since I recall her even messaging me. I realise she wants things slow, but this is literally killing me. I am building up this anxiety that is heart wrenching. I do not hound her, for fear of losing her – I don’t confront her either, for fear of the same. Since her episode, it feels like if I say anything, she will use it against me.
I really don’t know how to progress, as she seems to think nothing is wrong. It might not be, and it might just be me.
Please Help?
Spyinsky
Well, Spyinsky, this is such the reverse of what so many of the women I hear from are going through. But it certainly sounds the same. And yes, we are all human, both men and women, and many times it is much easier to end a relationship by letting it die from attrition and lack of attention than by being direct and communicating when we would like it to end.
Of course you are feeling so anxious and scared! I feel for you being on the other side of this. It is never easy to deal with someone like this who won't talk about it with you and communicate what they're feeling. But the reality is, as hard as this will be to hear, it sounds like she is telling you quite clearly by her verbal words and especially by her behavior, that she is not interested in pursuing a relationship with you right now, and she doesn't know when she will be. Regardless of how great things started out being and how she was in the beginning, things change for a myriad of reasons and trying to figure out why and figure her out and what happened, will only drive you quite crazy, Spyinsky. I wrote about this from the woman's perspective in my post Three Things You Can Do When He's Getting Emotionally Distant, and the same logic applies to your situation.
The best thing you can do for yourself instead, is to let her go and know that since she clearly knows how you feel, she will get in touch with you if she wants to pursue something further. You have pursued her as much as she is going to allow you to pursue her here, and now it is in your best interest to respect the boundaries she has set in place and give her the space she is obviously seeking by her lack of communication and her pulling away from you.
This is no reflection on you. Like I always say to all the women on here, you really don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, Spyinsky. That is simply a recipe for a frustrating and loveless relationship that no one deserves to ever settle for! Know that there truly is someone out there for you who you will be attracted to, whose interests you will share, and whose level of commitment will also be matched by both of you. Life is just too short to settle for anything less than this. No matter how much you want someone to love you, to be on the same page, you simply cannot change anyone or make anyone want to be with you. The sooner you can accept this and move on, the easier this will be.
Anyone else have anything to add from this side of the relationship?
Hi, really like some advice please....
I have been talking to a lovely man online for three days. He was so sweet and complimenting and modest about himself, playing things down, but making me feel good. I thanked him each time he said nice things, we found it so easy to talk, he even seemed to like my dizzy ways, saying it was ok if I was cute with it, which he said I was. I said on the third night I have 101 questions to ask, he said we will get there with the q & a and said it was going to take a lot of emailing back and forth. I thought about this and thought I wonder if he would like us to meet but doesn't want to ask incase I said no.... He had opened up to me about his life ad day to day stuff and I did the same. So I plucked up the courage and offered to meet, if only to save my poor fingers tapping away on the keypad. His answer was... Let's do that, he said about the days he couldn't do and that we would chat more about it tomorrow and we said our good nights... However, he didn't come online the next day and hasnt now for six days, he hasn't even opened my messages as I get notifications to say he has. He was so sweet and lovely with out being over the top, incredibly inteligent and has his own business. I don't know what to think, I have found him on google but do not feel I can contact him outside of the date site, yet I can find out every contact method... I am so confused... I don't know how long to wait, he just seemed right up my street, and I know it was only for a few days but something just clicked. He was the only one I was interested in .
This type of scenario is always confusing, Teresa; it never makes sense to us when what seems like such a natural next step just doesn't happen. And you're left trying to figure out what's going on and what you should do, if anything. It sounds like you've really done all you can here; the fact that he hasn't even opened your messages, as painful as that is to accept, just shows that he's isn't there where you thought he was. Through no fault of your own. This just happens all too often to the best of us. I wrote a previous post about exactly this type of disappearing act that you may find reassuring and insightful. Because it really isn't about you; it's about him and where he's at - all things that will only drive you crazy trying to figure them out!
So take the action that most honors and respects who you are, and try to just let this all be and move on from here. Accept that you have done all you can and the rest is up to him. Remind yourself that at least this happened at the beginning of your connection and not further down the road when you're that much more attached to him with so much more time and energy invested in someone who clearly isn't on the same page as you right now - for whatever reason.
I know this doesn't any easier when we so want to understand what went wrong. It doesn't matter; what does matter is that you are the same beautiful woman - just as attractive and desirable to someone who is on the same page as you -with or without this particular man in your life!
Thank you Jane. Will take your advice... Even though it is sooo hard... Men!!!
Hi Jane
It's no surprise that this post is among the most popular.
Recently I have found myself asking this same question and I am looking for some advice.
Basically back n October I went out for my friend's birthday. Her brother was there and at one point during the evening we suddenly started chatting and didn't stop.
At the end of the evening we were both drunk and another friend somehow led me away and I went back to their place. I had a coffee and then got a taxi home.
However, my friend's brother really must have made an impression as I remembered him and started thinking about our conversation the previous night.
A month later, I organise a movie night. I do it because I know my friend will bring her brother along and sure enough he turned up.
The moment he did we were chatting together for most of the night and he told me some stuff and I told him stuff (nothing heavy but more about how were are as people) and it was obvious we had similar traits. Anyway, by the time the film was on, I went out after ten minutes (partly because I was bored watching it) and within a minute he'd followed me out.
A friend of mine afterwards noticed it and said he thought that my friend's brother had come out to chat me up! Anyway, we spent the rest of the movie talking together with no one else around.
So fast forward to the end of the film and everyone surfaces to find us. We all chat together and then it's the end of the night. My friend was driving but everyone else was having drinks all evening and I was slightly drunk I guess but not falling over.
My friends leave by my friend's brother stays behind a minute to say goodbye. I kiss him on each cheek and he then kissed me on the lips. Nothing major you understand and it wasn't awful but I was a little surprised - perhaps pleasantly surprised. Now this is where it gets a little silly.
I said - why don't you stay? He said he had stuff to do and then I second check myself and realise I"m being ridiculous. I want to make it very clear the only reason I suggested it was because I really liked his company and that's all.
I've never been easy with anyone in my entire life and if anything always work on the side of caution and never deviate from that path.
Anyway, I then say to him why don't you text me and we can go on a date. Your sister has my number. The car engine is now going and he says yes and rushes off to get his lift home with his sister.
I was really happy that evening and realised how much I liked him.
So I casually go on Facebook (what an idiot!) and send him a simple message that says something like - Hi I'm a bit drunk but it's fairly obvious we seem to like each other. Here's my number if you're interested in going on a date.
I think I then say something about being too old to muck around and that was that.
Meanwhile in the car on the way home, he is singing my praises. He said he really, really liked me (and yes he used the word really twice) and that he thought I was lovely etc. etc.
The friends in the car jibbed him slightly and asked if he was going to see me again. He responds with "none of your business" or something like that.
He talks about me so much that one friend text me the next day to tell me she thought he really fancied me as he was talking about me so much.
So moving on about four weeks or just under and he hasn't text or called. We're friends on Facebook and he has been online but no response to my message at all and he hasn't de-friended me.
He is not what I'd call shy but he's definitely not brash or over-confident either. I'd say he's a little self-conscious and quite a thinker so I'm very, very confused!
I know I made an impression the first time we met as when I saw him again at the movie night, he was by my side virtually straight away. He was thoughtful, engaging and took a real interest in my thoughts.
So I run my own business and from the outside probably seem a bit glamorous maybe but I'm completely the opposite. He seems more traditional in lots of ways but I he didn't seem intimidated by me, my education or anything. I just really liked him.
So was it me that perhaps made him back track or is he even concerned that the fact I said I was a bit drunk would suggest I maybe didn't mean what I said? I used to be really low in confidence years ago and I practically talked myself out of dating some people because I was convinced they were too good for me in some way and that drink or the moment had them doing things they wouldn't normally do.
I'm not saying he thinks this, but honestly I don't tend to get attracted to lots of people but I know we made a connection - just based on his interests, the TV he watches, the things he likes to talk about etc. It was really amazing to meet someone who I had so much in common with.
So why hasn't he called?
Oh that question that we all want to know; why hasn't he called? The reality, Kate, is that regardless of how much you connected, how much you had in common, how much he showed a real interest in you, no matter how much he talked about you to your friends and how much it seemed like this really could be the starting of something great, something is going on with this guy that really (believe me, here) has nothing to do with you and your glamorous business, your education, your drinking that night, your self-esteem, or anything that you think you should have said or done differently. Honestly, when a guy is ready and available and looking for a relationship, all of the things that matter to you (like having so much in common, having fun together, enjoying talking about the same things) will matter to him and he will be calling you!
But for whatever reason, and there are a myriad of them, he's just not there right now. He's not on that page, he's not where you're at, and nothing you can say or do can make him be even if you tried. I know jut how hard this can be to understand, and accept, but the reality if, he has every reason to call if he wants to. You've clearly let him know that you're interested; the rest is up to him.
So you have a couple of options; you can try to find out more from him, you can try being direct with him if you really do need to know why from him in order for you to move on, knowing that it ultimately won't change anything except confirm what you already know to be true. Or you can move on on your own, letting go of any expectation of him calling you for now, knowing that if anything changes for him, he knows how to get ahold of you and he will call you if he decides he's ready for you.
Always remember that whether or not he calls doesn't change one thing about how attractive and desirable you are! And whatever you decide, know that you deserve nothing less than someone who pursues you and shows you clearly that he wants to be with you in the same way that you want to be with you. If it's meant to be, it will ultimately be if two people are truly meant to be together.
Hi Jane,
Fantastic article and it has been really helpful to me in calming myself down with my own situation!
More than two months ago I broke up with my ex because he moved away to his home country. It was a short relationship, casual, and a given that we'd break up when he left. I had always had a 'thing' for a friend of his and when we were out, always found myself naturally gravitating towards him. We'd have some great conversations and seemed to get on well.
Once my ex left, we all went out one night, got a bit drunk and I confessed my feelings to this guy. Told him I liked him and had for a while. He said the same to me, that he had felt that way for a while but couldnt do anything. We spent the night together, but didn't sleep together. He had some 'issues' maintaining an erection, I put it down to the booze, we went for breakfast the next morning, all was good.
I was really smitten with him after that but he would only contact me sporadically, would set dates then cancel them...was about to give up on him when he set a date and I decided to give him one last chance. We had an amazing first date, he apologized for being so bad with contact, said he'd been feeling 'guilty' about my ex, but that he did have feelings for me. We met up three more times, three more wonderful dates, getting on so well, lots of kissing, hand holding, he told me repeatedly that he liked me and that he no longer felt guilty about my ex...but he's been pretty terrible with contact between dates.
He rarely would text except to confirm a date (told me he's a 'terrible texter') and would occasionally facebook chat me but considering we're both almost always online, I found it weird that it would take him so long to even do that.
I've asked him out a few times, the first time he had 'other plans' but we rescheduled, the next time he said 'yeah sure', then cancelled at the last minute and we met up the following day instead. I've been making a concerted effort to NOT chase him as I know if a guy wants to be with you, he'll make the effort, but his behaviour just seems to be SO lukewarm in comparison to any other guy I've been with.
It's been making me a little insecure as I've been far more forward than I usually am (I've never told a guy I like him in the past but with this guy I've told him repeatedly) and I hate the feeling that if I didn't contact him, I simply wouldn't hear from him. Doesn't exactly make me feel desirable.
It might be worth mentioning that we ended up in bed together a few more times after the first time and the same problem occurred - he simply couldn't get or maintain an erection. I don't know if it's performance anxiety or ED or that he simply isn't attracted to me (I really dont want it to be that...
He has complimented me about my appearance though and I would be considered attractive, but obviously this isn't helping with the confusion and insecurity on my part).
The last time I heard from him was exactly a week ago when he replied to a message I had sent three days earlier asking to meet up. He texted to say he was hungover so he couldn't. Nothing since.
I'm just so confused and hurt, because I thought we were on the same page. The last time we met, he told me that he told my ex's best friend that he was seeing me, which I thought was a big step, and he's also told mutual friends.
I don't even feel like we're dating anymore as it's so long since we met up or have any form of meaningful contact.
What's up with this guy? Have his feelings just changed, or did he ever even like me in the first place? Could the bedroom issues be the problem?
I'm so confused and hurt, I have such strong feelings for him
Becca xx
Of course you're confused and hurt, Becca; it's so hard to go through this when you have such strong feelings for someone like this! There are so many things that could be up with this guy. His feelings might have changed, he might not be sure of what he's feeling in the first place, or certainly the bedroom issues you mention can play a role for any guy since this can be quite embarrassing for him, especially if he doesn't know why it's happening (and he probably doesn't). But whatever is going on with him, when it starts making you feel insecure, and you don't even know what you would call your relationship anymore, it sounds like it's time to take control back of this situation with the only thing you can ever control; yourself. And what you can do about all of this.
So begin by asking yourself why you have such strong feelings for him. Why are you feeling so much for someone who is giving you so little in return, in reality? There's a post I wrote about why you keep attracting the wrong guys that you may identify somewhat with. What are you really getting out of this relationship? And then decide for yourself if this is worth hanging onto. While he may be a wonderful guy, full of so much potential, if it's all potential and not reality, then you really don't have anything at all. I know that can be so hard to hear, especially when you want it to be so different, but it can so healing to simply accept what is, grieve it, and then, when we're ready, to be open to what we find along the next part of our journey, even if it looks different from what we originally held on so tightly to.
When you shift the focus from him to you, Becca, watch and see what happens when you start to realize what you deserve and the way you deserve to be treated and refuse to settle for anything less than that. There's always a reason why something doesn't work in spite of our very best efforts, even if it's not clear to you now. And what you will find, eventually is something that isn't complicated, doesn't require you to figure someone out, and simply feels like coming home - to someone who loves you and wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with him!
Hi, just crusing the internet to get my mind off this one man, I admit so foundly in love with, he has been on my mind night and day. Funny, how at my age 37 and single now, gave up on relationship. It started with a bad relationship, one I stick out with for over 17 years, faithfully and loyal to that relationship, however never in love. So, after that for 5 years or more have not seen anyone, until this particular man slip a note under my keyboard at work and ask to call him. I was curious, who and what about. Come to found out he has been interested and watch over me for a year now and finally took that approach. At first, I have no interest of him, after I found out who I was calling. However, what made me call him was curiosity, after we talk, there was some kind of connection, I can't explain. So, our relations began in April, then the relationship progress, where we have went out 2 x, and each moment, it breaks my heart to be apart from him. However, out of no where, didn't know, till a month ago that I am head over heel in love with him, most of it is because we have so much in common, and also I feel so right when I am with him. The good thing, there was no pressure into sex, eventhough we have not had sex, now that I am so ready for him, which he doesn't know how I feel, and this happen. Last month, things had change at work been more busy than usual and he had only text me a couple times," that his life is such a mess, but I didn't get his message in trying to tell me something, still I pressure him in communicating with me. Now I am not receiving any text nor calls for 7 days now. I am lost don't know what to do. I love this man soo much and can't love another again, spite everything been going on, I have not give up on him......Just don't know what to do....... Help.......
How often we find ourselves not even interested in someone at first, only to fall head over heels for them and then to have them suddenly pull back, leaving us hanging, not sure where to go from here! Of course you feel like you love this man so much and can't imagine loving anyone else again, and yet, can you ask yourself what it is you are loving so much about someone who isn't loving you back? Who isn't giving you anything? Is it really about him or is it the potential for what you believe could be with him?
Regardless of how you feel about him, he is clearly letting you know that he is just not there for you on the same page right now. And who knows when or if he may ever be again. But then there is you and your beautiful heart that has so much love to give to someone who truly is worth that love.
Sometimes, another form of "giving up", called acceptance and detached living, is the best alternative in a scenario like this, Bee. Where you accept the situation and him as they are, and honor and respect yourself enough to detach yourself enough emotionally and physically from him that you're not at the same risk of getting your heartbroken if nothing changes with him. You put the focus back on you and living your own life and remembering all that you have to offer someone who is as interested in you as you are in him. And then if anything changes with this guy you have such strong feelings for right now, you can always decide what you feel at that point. Remember that the most important thing here is to remember that you truly deserve a balanced healthy relationship with someone who is as invested in you and the relationship as you are. That is what real love is about and you deserve nothing less than this!
I love this article because I think the game or games are just stupid. I am going through an issue though, I have been hanging out with this guy for about a month but it seems that I am always the one to contact him first, and he does respond favorably. The last two times I contacted him, he was busy so I decided to stop and if he wants to hang out he can take some initiative. It has been 11 days and he has not contacted me. I'm guessing he's just not interested? We were friends before and when we hang out it's a lot of fun, we're always teasing each other and just laughing up a storm. I'm unsure of what is going on here, but it's just annoying me to no end. I guess I should just give up and move on? (easier said than done). I know my pride wont let me contact him first. Some advice please
It sounds like you've already figured this out, Justa; as hard as it is to accept. Maybe he isn't ready for anything more right now, maybe he isn't sure what he wants, maybe he's busy - there's a myriad of reasons why he isn't initiating contact when you stop being the initiator. What you do know, is he knows how to get ahold of you and if he is interested in seeing you, he will definitely contact you. And yes, unfortunately (or fortunately if you can look at this from a different perspective), the best thing you can do right now for your self-esteem and self-confidence is simply to move on - at least for now- until he does contact you. Don't make it about pride, make it about you treating yourself with the respect and love that you so deserve to be treated with!
I know that's so much easier said than done, especially when you have real feelings for someone, but just know that you really are fortunate to find this out now, before you were any more involved with him and your heart was anymore attached. Heartbreak is never easy, but know that it's always easier in the beginning before you have invested so much more of your heart and soul on someone who isn't on the same page as you. The irony is that it's exactly when we stop pursuing something that isn't meant to be that it opens up your time and energy to see someone who is on the same page as you and more importantly, isn't giving you any reason to question whether or not he is interested in you!
hey still new in college so i dont know if am taking this so serious or not , some guy asked me my phone no , and we started text each other ,i really enjoy talking 2 him , but in the college i dont have any chance to sit around him , so one day we sat beside each other and talked but his friend started to make funny stuff like see they are couple now although it was our first time , so when i confessed him , he said that they did that because i told them that i have felling for u , and didnt plan for that , but i didnt tell him that i believed that , and so he isnt sending me any msg now and he act less interested. a worried that i lost him ,
If you did lose him, Alana, over something as inconsequential as that, then honestly, you really didn't lose much. Any guy who suddenly pulls away because of anything you might have said or done in that scenario is sending you a big warning sign that he isn't someone you really want to be involved with in the first place. You will know when you are with someone who is right for you because you won't be second guessing yourself or wondering what he thinks. You will know, it won't be complicated, and you won't have to question every little thing you do or say!
Well I have past this because Ive seeing this guy for seven months now, along with a three month gap of no contact because I was "waiting" for him to call. then he said well you can call too. He also said "you know where I live too, so whats the problem?" I havent yet surprised him by stopping by without ttelling him because in the past ive had bad outcomes. But he sounds like his inviting me or something , I was a bit confused but realized he wants me to be involved in his life. You know whats interesting because his called me in the middle of the night just to talk eventually saying he loves me. He has even asked me to stay over his place once but i had a busy day ahead of me so i couldnt. But you like said if his the one then his the one and i will happen if its suppose to happen. So I have stopped talking to other guys now and am more focused on school and seeing him when im not busy.
I have a gut feeling that this might just work out. We spoke about moving together, well he said yes after i asked him if he would like to move in with me. He said yes! I was happy. I guess this can be a turn out.
Anyhow I hope I havent went off topic but reading this article had me thinking allot. Much appreciated. Because I want a career and I want a good family in my future but my happiness means allot. Even if it means having to keep searching for the right man. Thank you. I have a feeling my search is coming to an end soon.
So glad to hear this, Selene - you deserve nothing less than the real thing!
Sorry for the grammar. I was thinking and was over excited to have found such a great article. So this was my first time posting on an article besides facebook.lol
I'm so glad you posted on here, Selene. Grammar and spelling never ever matters as much as the words from your beautiful heart and soul!
there is this guy that i really like, he has already told me he doesnt want a relationship because he has been in them for the last 7 years and just wants to be single.... we used to work together and was with each other all the time at work... after he finished he was messaging to meet for a d
This is never easy, Kirsty; but it comes down to what you are looking for and how much being with this particular guy is worth to you. He is telling you he doesn't want a relationship, so if it is a relationship you are looking for from him, then the reality is that you and he are not on the same page and you can save yourself from having your heart broken down the road by being fully aware of this difference from the beginning.
So often we go into relationships knowing full well that a guy is not interested in having a relationship with us, but we still get our hearts involved with them because we believe they will come around once we show them how we really are everything they've been looking for. The problem is, we usually don't find out that this doesn't work until after we are already too involved to see what is going on.
So listen to him, hear what he says, and then listen to your own voice, and what you have to say. If he is the one for you, you will know because you will both be on the same page, you will both want the same thing, and it won't feel complicated.
My situation is a little odd... I met this amazing guy a year and a half ago. We dated for probably 3-4 months. He knew I was recently out of a 5.5 year relationship and knew I wasn't ready. I had an amazing time with him but was terrified of commitment due to my recent heartbreak. At the 3-4 month mark, he confronted me saying that basically I needed to commit or he was done. So unfortunatley, I told him I was terrified and wasn't ready. So we stopped seeing eachother and continued to talk every now and then. Well, within a couple months he was in a relationship so our talking stopped. I started to realize the big mistake I made. I missed him terribly. A few months ago we started talking again (it seemed his relationship was rocky). Well they broke up at the beginning of October after dating for approx 6 months. We began talking more and more and met up in mid Novemeber. I once again had an amazing time and was ecstatic to be seeing him again. We saw eachother 4 times in 2 weeks. It was perfect. I briefly brought up that I regretted not pursuing a relationship and I was sorry. He said he just got out of a relationship and wasn't looking to get back into one right now. I don't know the details of what happened, but I think he got hurt because one night out, his best friend asked me to please not hurt him. Well, I see him, than don't hear from him for a week! When we are together it's perfect! He treats me so perfectly. I'm so sad because I feel I missed our opportunity. What do I do? I so badly want to text him to see him, but I let him text or call me to hang out.
You've let him know of your regret, Amanda; you've apologized and let him know you are interested in pursuing a relationship now. So he now knows where you stand and the rest is up to him. Don't look back or beat yourself up for not being ready for him earlier on. If you weren't ready back then, there was a reason. If he's not ready now, there's a reason, too. As hard as it is, and I know it really is, give him some time and space to get clear for himself and figure out what it is that he's looking for. If this is meant to be, know that it will be; he just may need some time.
But in the meantime, rather than spending your time waiting around for him, keep living your life and filling it up with everything you enjoy doing and with people you enjoy spending time with so that he isn't the main focus of your life. And most of all, remind yourself that regardless of how perfect everything seems, you still deserve nothing less than someone who is ready for you and understands that none of us is perfect and we all come to see things in our own time, and doesn't hold your past against you.
Hi,
I find this article ever soul refreshing and inspiring at some level.I do have my own doubts about a person who I just met couple of months ago.she's married with 2 kids.but this doesn't stop me from liking her,admiring her.I know at first I really tried to ignore this feeling but failed because all the more I think of her and long to see her. Lately I asked for her number and surprisingly she gave it to me and we started exchanging messages. What's bothering me though is that she never mentioned about her family to me instead she just told me everything about her work and how she feels towards it. Prior to that ,we had moments when we stared long at each other and oh that feeling I dont want to end.I admit she really makes me happy and by the way im a woman. I don't know really why I have this feeling for her but yes I like her and It would be awesome if we stay as friends but I don't think this would still happen since I have not heard of her after I posted a message on Facebook and she reacted negatively on that jumping to a wrong conclusion when in fact the message wasn't meant for her anyway.We planned on coffee date prior to that event but until now I she hasnt sent me any messages. I sent her messages asking if we are still good and if we can still have our coffee date just to have a clue but unfortunately to this date,I got no reply..it saddens me. I was about to build a friendship but out of the blue it is blown away..I am really disheartened by this because I believe I didn't do her any harm. Its almost Christmas but my mind is still troubled..I don't know how to end this..it Is so hurtful.
Sometimes, SHY, as hard as it can be to accept the reality of a situation, it is the only thing we can do to move on and find some peace. You really have done everything you can by reaching out to her and trying to let her know you are interested in pursuing a friendship with her, but at some point, the fact that she isn't responding and you haven't heard anything from her, means that it's time to let go - as much as that hurts. We can never know what is really going on with someone else if they don't tell us, but at least you can save yourself any more time and energy by focusing yourself on someone who will want to pursue a friendship with you and will respond to your messages. A relationship of any kind requires two people who are both on the same page and interested in communicating with each other and you deserve nothing less than this.
Dear Jane,
Thank so much for your kind words. I appreciate your response to my message,very enlightening and mood soothing...By the way, she sent me a Christmas greeting through text message but that was all..:) Im happy no less.
I'm glad you received this special gift, SHY; a small thing, yes, but sometimes a big reminder that we're ok, we've done nothing wrong, our intentions are beautiful. While our goal is to be so strong and confident in our own inner light and beauty that we don't need the external to validate us, so often it helps so much to at least be acknowledged and responded to.
Hey, this website is really good in trying to understand men....thanks for the tips
...but heres my problem......So I met this guy last night and we got talking, he was really nice and said the cutest things such as your hair is lovely, we've got the same colour eyes and you're gorgeous. He wasn't that drunk although he had two drinking sessions within two days. After the first time we kissed I asked him for his number but he wouldn't give it to me, and then as the night went on and after we talked more, he gave it to me. I texted him once (the day after) in the morning, but no reply. Do you think he likes me and is just in bed trying to sleep the hangover off? What should I do? I really like him, and he seemed interested last night....Please help :/
I think girls and women take this way too serious. So what if he does not call you back. Move on. I felt this way before also. I realized I was not going to let this get to me. He will call if he is interested. if he is not, so what ,let it go. I had a guy call me 2 months later. Life does go on. They all seem interested at first. Love is a gamble.
All so true, Danielle; and yet, so many of us do not find it that easy to not let this get to us. Because yes, he will always find a way to call if he is interested, but each time it happens to us, we want to believe our particular situation is different. The tricky part is being that strong genuinely, without allowing your heart to become hardenedin the process. It is huge that you can see this is clearly and be so strong in yourself about this - that kind of confidence takes many of us a long, long time!
I have known my boyfriend for 15 years and have always just been friends. When he found out I was getting a divorce he began to show interest in me & it developed into a relationship. We have been seeing each other now for 2 months. We had a disagreement about something (I had told him I wasn't able to deal with a female friend of his who is married & has a crush on him to constantly try to assert her relationship with him on me and that I wasn't going to tell him what to do or who to hang out with but that I did not like it and it was his choice whether or not he still wanted to be with me. He said he definitely wanted to be with me but we will work on our issues. He is also the type to keep everything bottled up & not talk about problems. He was also not feeling well and was extremely tired.) That was yesterday. Today rather than getting my usual good morning text, I got nothing.... All day... So finally at around 8PM I, being the anxious person I am, can't resist anymore & shot him a text saying since I've not heard from him all day I was just wondering if everything was ok, to which he replied that he has been sleeping all day & hasn't even touched his phone. I told him ok sorry to wake you and good night.... (I know I sound just like a typical woman...) I just wonder if he was really sleeping or just avoiding me... I've been "broken up with" the coward's way a time or two and it's the worst feeling. I'm the kind of person to talk everything out and like to know everything up front.
I so know where you're coming from, Chloe; it is so hard not to be able to just talk about what's going on, or if something's changed with him, and yet having these conversations is usually the last thing men are comfortable with and seldom produce the honest response we're looking for. The reality is, you will know soon enough, because he will call or text you if he really is interested in pursuing you and if your conversation wasn't a deal breaker for him. Honestly, Chloe, if the disagreement you mention was cause for him to decide your relationship isn't worth working on, I would question what you have really lost. Because there will always be things that come up that need to be sorted out - that's what a real relationship based in reality is all about. And so, if this is how he deals with things that are important enough to you to bring up with him, then you really need to decide if this works for you. That way, you can feel your own power and not be as dependent on his response. Know ultimately that if this is meant to be, if you are both on the same page and committed to a real relationship with each other, it will happen, but it does require both of you to want the same thing.
Hi Jane,
I really need advice, I’m confused, hope you can help me..
I met a man online, and for three weeks it was amazing. He’s so kind, sweet, intelligent and gives a lot of compliments. He knows how to deal with life, he has a lot of things to share, great opinions as he is a professional person. We have a lot of same interests. Being on the top level career requires a lot of attention which makes him pretty busy. Plus the fact that he has 2 kids to attend with who visits him 3-4 days a week regularly. He is also currently studying master’s degree. So, I do understand he is a very busy person. He even apologizes whenever he did something wrong. Within that three weeks I have seen his effort to contact me online. He even told me that he’s falling for me in less than three weeks! I told him that it is a very sudden realization on his part, he answered ‘time is irrelevant, what matters is the connection going on between us’. He said he wanted to see me and be with me whatever it takes. I have shared my feelings as well. But after three weeks, things had changed. I have left offline messages, then after 6 days, he answered back that someone in his family died that needed to fly to origin country and won’t be online much for the following weeks. I have been patiently waiting and left him condolence, sweet, caring offline messages. He answered back two weeks later. He was thankful that I’m willing to wait, that he misses me, that wanted me to know he loves me. He even informed me the date he’ll be coming back home. He also informed me when he came home finally, and that proceeded to work afterwards as he needed to catch up for a long time of absence. He’s also hoping we’ll have the opportunity to talk soon. That was three days ago now and I have not heard from him yet.
I’m confused of how thing are going. I do understand what he’s going through and wanted to support him. Though, sometimes I would think it like disappearing/appearing act. I know it is only been for three weeks but I wanted to trust him, I do care for him a lot. He knows my number, if he wants to text or call me he can do that anytime. For now, I’m trying to give him space for work, rest, etc. I can wait patiently but for how long?
He even mentioned that communication is the best way to handle good relationship. I hope in due time he will come to his senses that I am here waiting for him. Just don't know if I need to send message still or just wait for him to have free time to reach out to me...
Oh Jam, I think you said it best yourself here; he knows your number, if he wants to call or text you he can do that anytime. Yes, he certainly can, and he certainly will if he's interest in pursuing something more with you. You have been so patient and caring and compassionate with him as he's gone through this loss in his family. I think you've been more than understanding and patient with him. Honestly, I would try to move on and keep living your own life and try not to keep thinking about him and what's going on with him. He sounds confused, and not sure what he wants, and if you know what you want, then this isn't going to be what you're looking for from him. He may be busy and preoccupied with so much going on in his life, but you deserve someone who wants to be with you and spend time with you regardless of what he's got going on in his life! By keeping the focus on you, and keeping your options open and moving on with your life, if he does come around, then you can decide what you want to do with that. But in the meantime, it definitely sounds like he knows what's required of him to be in a relationship with you, even if it's just casually dating you to get to know you better, but he isn't really giving you anything to go on. Know that if there is to be more with the two of you, you will know, there will be, but only if the two of you are on the same page, and right now, it doesn't sound like he's there. As hard as that can be to accept. At least know that it's always so much better to find out about someone like this early on before your heart is more involved with him, you never know, you may be pleasantly surprised down the road when you're not just waiting around for him. You deserve so much more than being a lady-in-waiting!
It does hard to accept it, as I’m already involved like this to him. He knows that I’m waiting and always be there for him, but I don’t know if I’m taken for granted, until now he haven’t gotten in touched with me. For the past weeks, I would just be shocked that one day he messaged me back. You’re right, I should focus on myself, although, I have to admit that I’m still hoping he’ll come back to me again wholeheartedly. I agree, we’ll never know what we’ll hit down the road and I’m hoping for the best. Thank you for your wonderful thoughts, I truly appreciate it very much. May you be blessed more and more everyday.
HI! So I met this guy on a dating website and we went on the most amazing date last Wednesday. We got iced cream and then decided we wanted to do something else so we ended up going to see a movie. He was rubbing my back during the movie, it was very sweet. After it he walked me home (we live in Boston). He then asked if I was busy the next day. I told him I had plans later at night but could do something before my plans. He said ok and that he would text me when he got out of work. He kissed me and left. He then texted me about 5 minutes later joking about how far a walk home it was for him. The next day (thursday) he texted me in the morning saying that he was really busy at work and wouldn't get out until late..and that we should do something next week (he had a friend coming to stay with him for the weekend). I texted him on Saturday to say hi, he answered and we texted a few times...the last text that I sent him on sat afternoon he didn't answer until Sunday. Then I answered him (something that didn't need a reply) and haven't heard from him since. I am so upset because it is now Monday and we said we were going to go out again this week but I haven't heard from him. I want him to reach out to me so that I know he is into me. Do you guys think that he is interested or blowing me off??? I know that this site is about me reaching out if I want to, but I want to know if you think he is even interested before I do reach out. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I am so upset and could use any advice.anything you have to offer.
As hard as this may be to hear, Ashley, the reality is that if a guy is interested, he will make sure that you know he is. He will call you, he will text you or contact you in whatever way it takes to get in touch with you and let you know. So as upset and disappointed as you are, know that at least you found this out now before you get any more involved with him and especially before your heart gets any more involved. There can be a million and one reasons why he has a change of heart, why he seemed so interested and then seemingly just disappears without a word. And yet, the only thing that going over it all again in your mind and second-guessing everything will do, is make you crazy trying to make sense of it. You deserve nothing less than someone who clearly lets you know he's interested in you, who calls you, or makes contact with you in a way that doesn't leave you wondering what's going on! If that's not him, then know there will be someone else who won't leave you guessing like this.
Hi Jane--
Thanks so much for your wise and compassionate article and responses! I just discovered your site tonight after googling "it's been a week since the guy I'm going out with texted!" Which pretty much sums up my story. I met said "guy" in October at a film festival. After my movie, I was standing in the lobby of the film theater peering at the big screen TVs in the window of the Lucky Strike to see how my hometown baseball team was doing in the MLB playoffs. This guy, who just got out of another film, also stopped to watch. It turned out that he just had left the film I had wanted to see (it was sold out) and that we were both from the same state (hence our mutual appreciation for this baseball team). He invited me into Lucky Strike for a drink, then asked my number.
Since then, we've seen each other at least 8 or 9 times--at the World Series (we both, independently of each other, purchased tickets for the same WS game in my old hometown, 6 hours away--and met up afterwards), at my friend's party (he asked me to a movie the night my friend had a party--and I invited him to the party instead; he said he had a "blast"), for several dinners, for music at a club (my musician friend was performing), etc. At the end of each date, he always seemed anxious to nail down another date--if not the exact date, at least an approximation (like "maybe we can see each other again early next week?"), and I always said, "Sure."
Between dates, there was little contact. He never called--and I, responding in kind (I guess), didn't call him. He would usually send me an email (yes, email!) at some point suggesting another date and describing a bit about his week--and I always agreed. It seemed to work out that each date was about a week apart. Except for the not calling much thing, it seemed like this guy was promising. We have a lot in common in terms of temperament (we're both introverted and shy) and interests (music, movies, baseball, pop culture, NPR, etc.) and always ended up talking for hours when we got together (but again, not between dates). I learned that he got divorced two years ago (he's 38, and I'm 43, although I look younger) and has only recently begun to feel ready to date again.
I like the guy, although I still have doubts about our compatibility (we may be *too* much alike in terms of temperament--both too shy, inward, and passive) and while we seem to enjoy each other's company, I sense that something--I'm not sure what--might be missing between us). But still single at 43--and knowing my own tendency to be overly critical of men--and/or ambivalent about them--I really tried to give this a chance, to give him a chance, to give us a chance. I generally didn't initiate dates/contact, but I was always warm, enthusiastic, and receptive when he did (and genuinely so). One of the last times we got together--on our 8th? date--we finally slept together (sort of --oral), and he invited me to spend the night. I didn't (I didn't have my contact lens solution with me--and felt anxious because I had to work the next day). He suggested we get together again soon and suggested maybe Sunday night (this was a Thursday night). I said that might work. He texted me on Sunday afternoon, but I felt overwhelmed with things to do before the holidays (I was traveling to my hometown the following Saturday or Sunday)--and apologized but asked if we could find another time that week instead (I also let him know that I could do Sunday if that was the best time for both of us before the Christmas "break." I really tried to reinforce that I was interested in getting together, even though Sunday night wasn't really great for me). In moving the date forward, I felt like maybe I was making a big mistake...like I was telling him I wasn't interested...but we didn't have definite plans for Sunday, and I didn't hear from him until Sunday--and I really did have a lot I wanted to accomplish before Monday). He told me "no worries--it's a busy time of year"--and we agreed on Thursday night--that he would accompany me to a concert where two of my musician friends were performing (he said he thought it sounded like fun). I didn't hear anything from him for a while, so I called him on Wednesday night to make the arrangements for Thursday with him. And then on Thursday, he seemed...different. Tired, maybe. Passive. Distant. I introduced him to a couple of my friends who were there, but he made almost no attempt to engage them (as he has with my friends in the past--at the party and other concert)--and barely an attempt to engage me (he wasn't rude--and we did have some nice exchanges--and there wasn't much time to talk because it was a benefit concert with multiple performers that lasted several hours--but he didn't seem completely "there," and he certainly didn't seem very happy to be there; on the other hand, I loved the concert--it was joyous).
The concert didn't end till Midnight, at which point he drove me to my car (I was parked further away) and presented me a $75 Amazon gift card I could use for the Kindle I had mentioned I would be getting for Christmas. I felt really bad because I didn't have a gift for him. I guess I wasn't sure if--or when--we were exchanging gifts. He asked me the last time I saw him if there was anything I wanted for Christmas, and I said, "I don't know." He said, "Well, you can think about it." I then asked him if there was anything he wanted, and he said, "I don't know. So, I thought that maybe the night of the concert we'd tell each other what we wanted or something--rather than actually exchange gifts--and then maybe actually exchange them after Christmas or possibly on Fri. or Sat. night, before we both went away for the holidays. I also make far less money than he does. I know it's not an excuse, but for whatever reason, he had a gift for me, while I had no gift for him. (BTW--I paid for my own drink at the club; the waitress gave us separate bills--probably because she didn't realize we were even together!! Symbolic??).
I asked if he wanted to come back to my apartment (I lived much closer to this club). In the past, he's never hesitated to say yes. This time he said he would like to but that he was exhausted (in his defense, he started a new job that week--out in the suburbs--it was a long commute, and he did seem really tired...or something). He said something about "Let me know when you get back from Christmas break, and we can get together then...or whatever." The "whatever" really struck me; it wasn't like him. Then he said goodbye. I was expecting a good night kiss (something that's happened since date # 3 or 4) and sort of waited a moment or two for it to happen, but it didn't. Instead, he seemed focused on getting home and having me exit his car. I was taken aback but tried to blame it on his "exhaustion." When I got home, I texted him a big thank you for the thoughtful and generous gift card--and how I couldn't wait to use it--and that I was sorry for keeping him out so late. He texted back that he was sorry he wasn't much fun tonight. "Next time!" he said. I echoed, "Next time!" with a smiley. But I wasn't feeling very optimistic.
That was Dec. 19. I go home for the holidays and hear nothing from him. On Christmas, I sent him a "Merry Christmas, hope you're enjoying Florida" sort of text. He responded in some detail about what he was doing and asked about my Christmas (total of 4 texts exchanged). Then nothing. The day before Year's Eve (which he didn't ask me out for), I texted him to let him know I was still in my hometown so that I could watch the second season of a certain TV show (which my mom owns) that I knew he liked. He was back in town and said he was going to a concert on NYE. After that, I decided....it's up to him!!!
I drove back to town on New Year's Day, and literally the minute I walked in the door, I received a text from him wishing me a happy belated New Year--and asking me to let him know when I got back into town. He signed it, "See you soon." I thought, "Ah, well, maybe things are back to 'normal.'" I texted him back within ten minutes to wish him a happy new year, tell him that I hoped he had fun at the concert, when I was starting back to work, and that I had literally just walked in the door after driving from my hometown! I thought he might text back (or gasp...even call!) that same evening to welcome me back or make plans, even though it was late-ish (10:30 pm; but he had just texted me--and I'd been out with him much later than that on weeknights before). But no. And since then (8 days ago)...nothing!
Every day, I wonder if I should contact him and second guess my behavior with him, especially in light of my previous relationship patterns (was I too ambivalent? was he upset I didn't give him a gift? is this because I "slept" with him too soon? Too late? Didn't spend the night? was he secretly resentful that the concert was so long? did I keep him out too late? Did he meet someone else? Is he just busy? Did I do something wrong?) I'm so confused. The thoughtful (and generous) $75 gift card--and much of his behavior leading up to that--is telling me one thing, but his behavior at our last date and everything since is telling me another. My friend thinks the guy was more into me than I was...and is passively revolting. I don't know what to think anymore. Do I call him simply to clear the air/find out what's going on? Wait for him to contact me? Invite him to something? Wait for him to invite me? He's told and/or indicated to me before that he finds me interesting, intelligent, and beautiful. I believe I am all of these things, but I'm not sure he believes them anymore. But the thing is...I actually am ambivalent about the guy myself. He seems quite nice--and we do have a fair amount in common--and we enjoy talking--but I'm certainly not sure he's the "one." I would, however, enjoy the chance to continue to get to know him better. Advice???
Thank you!!!
--Waiting and Wondering
It's always hard to know what someone's really thinking when you don't know them that well yet and you're not getting enough consistency to go on in, Waiting and Wondering. It's especially hard when, as you say, you're ambivalent yourself and when you both have a tendency towards passive behavior. But it sounds to me, with everything you said, that this could go either way. That he could either be interested and this is just his style, or that he could be not that sure himself what he's looking for and doesn't want to lead you on either, and is trying to navigate the dating world and appropriate and inappropriate gestures himself - in terms of texting, gift-giving, calling, waiting to call, showing interest, going back to your place, and the like.
So I think it really comes down to you and what your comfort level is here. Personally, I think the best thing to do would be to take a very casual approach and keep living your life and dating other men if the situation arises, and see if he contacts you and if he asks you out, and you're interested, then go, but have him as just one thing going on in your life. That way, what he does or doesn't do doesn't take up any more of your time and energy while you're trying to figure him out. Because I want to go back to the fact that love is not complicated; and while it may be that you are making it more complicated than it is simply by analyzing it (which is completely understandable, by the way), it may also be that he is a complicated man who is keeping you guessing and keeping things complicated and not being more transparent simply because this is his personality.
Give it some time. Just let it be. See what happens. Try to just observe, but not analyze so that you're not spending so much time focusing on the why that could be answered with so many possibilities. Time will tell. You'll know soon enough what's going on with him. It's actually a very healthy way to be that you are ambivalent about him because that is such a healthier approach than being so into someone that you don't see them objectively and have a harder time being objective about whether or not the two of you are truly compatible. And if you do feel comfortable communicating with him as a friend, inviting him to something or anything else you feel comfortable with, there's nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with him and getting to know him that way and seeing where things go.
BTW: I'm female. I guess I never said that. Just wanted to be clear.
Hi I meet this really nice guy online who I clicked with so well, after a few chats he suggested we skype as we live in different countries. Its now day two and he hasn't sent even a message to suggest if he had a nice time skyping or to suggest another Skype date. I know its early but I want to know is he interested or not?
You'll know, Lara; you'll always know because if he is interested in you, he'll always make sure to let you know in a way that you can't miss. If he doesn't send you another message, try to just accept the reality that for whatever reason, he isn't ready for you or a relationship right not, and this isn't so much about you, it's really about him. The best thing to do is to keep living your life and try not to pay so much attention to whether or not he contacts you, knowing that time will always give you your answer.
Hi Jane thanks for the advice.
I woke to a message from him asking how the going is... I guess that's a good sign.
Thank you Jane! Your response really helped. And I applaud you for even just reading my entire (long!!) comment! I find it incredibly hard to be objective about my own situations, so it's really nice to have another set of eyes take a peek. It's good to know that you didn't see any glaring red flags with either his behavior or my own. I'm actually engaged in a really big project right now, so the timing of his backing off actually works out well for me. Plus, there are a couple of other intriguing men who've expressed some interest.
Anyway, I"m truly grateful for your time, generosity, and insights.
All Best.
Can this go for a boyfriend you've been dating for a year? Because as of late he's been claiming to be so busy with work and so swamped with financial anxiety that he can't talk to me on a consistent basis which is hard for me to believe since we've been speaking about marriage i told him to just rely on me or talk to me for some sense of peace and relief but nope. He slept with me yesterday and now it's like nothing i've said has gone through to him. I get a generic email this morning stating he woke up late and havent heard from him since i'm tired of always contemplating whether or not i should or shouldnt call what am i doing thats so wrong!!!??? I seriously love him so much. :l
It can happen at any stage, Jessica, but hopefully after a year you have the kind of relationship where you sort out these things together. If he just isn't giving you more to go on, and you're feeling like he's pulling back even after you've talked to him about it and let him know what you'd like to see, then you might want to step back and give him some space and time to see if anything changes. If it doesn't, and this is the way he is now, then you've got some thinking to do about whether or not you're ok with this new lack of communication on his part. Remember that your actions will say more to him than your words, so if you haven't already, try to put more of the focus back on you and living your own life and see if that makes any difference to how he responds to you. He may be feeling something about your talk of marriage that may be causing him to pull back like this, or it may actually be his work and financial issues, but if he can't still communicate with you and include you in this part of his life, that is a red flag because that will be a part of your reality as a married couple.
Try not to overthink this all right now -although I know that's easier said than done; give it some time and see if anything changes. I know it's so hard when you love someone so much, and it's scary to think they might have changed in any way in their level of commitment. Know that if both of you love each other and want the same thing, you'll both make it happen. If he isn't on the same page, or at least if he isn't right now, it's at least better you know this now than before you go down this road with him any further, as painful as that can be.
Hi,
My issue here is I know this great guy in 1993 in my work place. However he involved with his ex-wife and I had a bf back then. We was closed and indeed a good friend. Then I left the company and we lost contact. Along the years I heard that he married and have a daughter. Then It's history.A year ago I found him in FB and add him as one of my FB friend. We chat and I got to know that he divorced. He also mention that he have on-off relationship with his GF. Then after 6 months I found that they have broke up. This where I push the button and try to be closed to him however hardly return my call neither text. Then a year passed by. Out of sudden the project that I work on have something going on with his office. I texted him saying that I'm in the same building and let's meet up. He gave a lot of excuses. Then I stop. Last Sunday I texted him again to check whether his free to meet up and he agreed. So last Monday we meet up and we had a great time. He mentioned that his busy as he have to take care of his daughter and don't have time for dating however he want to build a family again. He also say that his ex Gf trying to patch things up with him but he refused as his happy with what he have now. He also mention that his nervous and very shy with me. But now is after 2 days since we met he dont even texted or called me. I really interested in him. What should I do ??
From what you've described here, Haida, it sounds like you've been the one driving most of your interactions with him, with very little response from him, and that is always a huge red flag that he isn't on the same page as you and isn't looking for the same thing from you as you are from him. Anytime someone gives excuses and makes sure to mention just how busy they are, throws in that their ex is trying to patch things up, and then doesn't turn around and do at least some of the initiating of contact when you've obviously shown him by your actions that you are intested in him, it's time to accept that this man just isn't there and move on. If things change for him and he decides he does want to pursue something further with you, know that you'll be the first to know and at that point, you can decide how you feel and go from there. For now though, as hard as it is to let go of someone you're really interested in, know that it's so much better to find this out now before getting your heart any more involved with him when the potential for your heart being broken is that much greater. Any man who is truly interested in you will always make sure there is no doubt in your mind that he is!
I have been with this guy for 2 years. Infact 12th is our second anniversary. We had a major fight 5 days ago and after that i kept calling him all day for two days in a row..i wanted to talk, to apologise , to tell him that the fights are not worth it.....but he dint pick up...he disconnected the phone more than once. This one time he picked up, he said he'll call me back after 5 minutes and dint...for the next 20 hrs ...he hasnt been making any effort to get in touch with me....he knows i must be worried and i must be wanting to talk to him...but he hasn't done anything..now everyone tells me to wait...let him make enough efforts to prove that he wants to be with me...(ps; i was the one to propose him) ....he has said things in the past which always made me wonder whether he really wants to be with me.. and this time around too our fight was on the issue of he giving me a commitment...
I am not sure if i should wait or just pick his call and make it too easy for him becoz i can't forget for two days when i needed him the most he ignored me completely.
It sounds like you've answered your own question here, Purple; if he knew you were worried and must be wanting to get in touch with him and he still didn't reach out to you, then of course you can't forget that! I see a pattern here; you say you proposed and your fight was about him giving you a commitment and then he responds by completely ignoring you. He is making it clear that he isn't on the same page as you, Purple; whatever he is or isn't saying, his behavior is clearly letting you know where he stands. Do you really want to be with someone who would disconnect his phone more than once? Is he really worth it if you're the one who has to keep chasing after him to get him to talk to you? I would look more closely at yourself and why you are choosing someone who you feel the need to call all day for two days in a row to try to patch things up. Obviously, you felt if you didn't try to keep calling, he wasn't going to call you, and that doesn't sound like a healthy, mutual relationship that honors and respects the beautiful you are. If two people are meant to be together, Purple, it won't be like this. True love is never complicated. You don't ever have to keep calling someone who loves you and truly wants to be with you. He would want to talk, to patch things up, to be there for you when you need him. As hard as this may be to accept, you are so much better off recognizing the reality of this relationship and accepting what is, then hanging onto someone who isn't where you are at this point in his life.
Hi Jane,
I would like to describe a situation and please tell me your opinion.
About 2-3 weeks ago i went for a drink with a friend of mine and there was one friend of hers with his buddy.
Lets call them S and Y.
We were having a great time all together but S had to leave early because he was working in the morning. So Y stayed with us and we were going to take him home.
Later that night my friend told me that Y asked her if i am single. She told him are you interested? He replied: Why, did you bring her for S? Because in that case i will pull back, S is like my brother. And my friend told him that we came for a drink and if they both liked me they better talk to each other.
For the next days we were chatting on facebook. Almost every day with Y, and a few times with S. With Y there was a lot of flert. 10 days later we arrange a gathering at Y's place, to play games. We had a fantastic time and he was very friendly with me. He looked me in the eyes, playing with me, touching etc.
When we left my friend told me that she is very confused because she couldnt undertand which one of them likes me and she thinks that they both like me but that sounds crazy because they are friends and they should have discussed about it.
The other night they invited us to go for a drink. They would go anyway with some of their friends. i liked Y so we went. And Y completely ignored me!! I couldnt believe it. Last night he was so good and friendly. And now he was talking to anyone but not me. And S was very friendly!
I was really disappointed and we were talking about it with my friend. They understood that something was wrong.
Y asked her: Whats wrong? And my friend told him: "What can i say to you right now? Do something!" And he replied that if he did what he wanted we would have a problem.
So my friend went to S and asked him which one of them likes me. And he replied: "I like her why is that a problem?"
Later we saw them at the bar talking to each other and then S left. Y was back to normal.
My friend asked Y to take me home because she had to left.
So, we stayed alone and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that he pissed me off because i couldn't understand why he ignored me all night. And he said that S liked me thats why. And that he liked me too but.. he is not in the mood for anything more. (he told me he has issues with work , health (he had a problem 3 years ago) and personal issues.
He kissed me and i know he wanted more but i stopped him and he took me home.
I cannot understand all this situation. His friend, his flirt, his issues?
Then why he was acting like that? He only wanted one night?
And from that day he only send me a typical message yesterday on facebook. Not like the other times.
I like him a lot but i didn't like his actions and attitude.
But i cannot get him off my mind and i want so badly to see him again.
How should i react, what can i do?
Sorry for the long email and thank you very much
This is yet another one of those times, An, when the best thing you can do to honor and respect yourself is to listen to what this person is saying and believe him. This guy has told you that yes, he likes you, but he is not in the mood for anything more. He went on to give you more reasons why he is not interested in anything more. So consider yourself fortunate that at least he is not leading you on. He is being honest and upfront, even if it's not wha you wanted to hear. Remember that liking someone means liking the whole person; you can't separate his actions and attitude from the person he is, so whenever you're thinking about him and you want to see him, remember this.
And know that sometimes, the very reason many of us have a hard time getting a man off our mind, is because they pull away like this. Whenever that happens, this always says something more about us than it does about him, so you may want to check out an article I wrote about why we are attracted to men like this. It really does take two people to start a relationship and both have to want to get to know each other. Don't sell yourself short by spending one more minute of your time and energy on someone who isn't on the same page as you; you deserve so much more than this!
Hi Jane,
I've been with this guy since last year October, for these few months, we haven't been out for dinner for so many times because he said he's busy at work, sports, parties, friends, whenever he txt me I will just go to meet up (Yes, sometimes I can't make it so I rejected him). Whenever we see each other, he acts so passionate and really into me. However, we never talk on the phone, facebook, it's only like one txt in a week if he wants to see me, that's all.
I can admit that we almost had sex every time we see each other. He said he had the best sex ever with me. I did ask him do you treat me just causal or sex partner but he said no. I am a passive girl so I did not txt him if I want to see him but wait for him.
For the last Christmas and even Valentines day, he went on holiday with his big group of friends without spending any time with me. Even when he's not on holiday, when he has days off, he just goes to sports, never spend one weekend with me or brought up sometime to do with me. Actually I am quite ok at first because I also quite busy and I want to spend time with friends or stay home during weekend. I never complain about him cannot spend weekend with me and talk about this issue.
The thing is he went on holiday this early month, but before the week he left, he did not txt me any message or even say goodbye to me! I know he went on holiday by facebook, he never talk to me in person. Yes, he wrote all the details on facebook like departure day and return day but he is not talking to me in person! Actually when i know he left message on facebook saying he's going to airport for holiday, I felt so sad and angry about him! Is he really busy that he even can't txt me or message me?
So after 2 weeks I know he's back by facebook, but he hasn't contacted me for 2 days after that. I did think should i wait or just leave it because I don't want him to think that I am a clingy girl or needy one. (For the past few months, I NEVER ask him out!) But this time I want to true to myself so I txt him "Are you back?", well, at first I think he's not into me anymore so I did not expect he will txt me back.
But he did, then I txt him that " i think you forget about me" but he said no, he has lots of stuff to do when he back and he hasn't forgotten about me. Well this is maybe the first time I show him my emotion, I txt him back that we have no communication it's really bad, then we end up our txt.
I still feel so sad even he said he hasn't forgotten about me. I almost want to txt him like 'we should never meet again because you are so busy and I think you are not interested about me" I just think i am wasting my time to see and emotional attached someone I don't know much. And I think the way we communicate is not healthy, to be honest, I don't need a man to call me all the time, I can understand we cannot meet up in this week but I just want to be told
My situation is i broke up with a 2 years relationship and haven't recovered yet. I never tell him about I haven't recovered yet. I also want to tell him that I am not ready in a relationship but I sure not interested in anything causal or sex partner! Is that right to tell? I really want to but we did not have the chance to talk about this!
Should I just move on? We almost haven't seen each other for a month! Whenever I think about his passion and sweet hug and kiss it just holds me back......
Oh Helen, you deserve so much more than what you're getting from him. of course he tells you he has the best sex ever with you and you end up having sex nearly every time you're together - he has everything he wants with you! He doesn't have to do anything to have you in his life like this except tell you what he knows you want to hear, and then he can have you on his terms. You are asking for so little from him, Helen, and you're getting even less than that. You have a right to tell him anything and everything you want to about yourself, and you would have a chance to talk about this if he was treating you and your relationship like a real relationship and spending time with you, getting to know each other, finding out about who each of you are and what you are both about. But clearly, his actions and his behavior are saying that he doesn't want this. And my beautiful sweet friend, you are getting nothing but crumbs from him.
You are simply on two completely different pages, and because you are so used to not speaking up and letting him know by your words or actions what you expect from him if you are to be with him, he probably doesn't even realize how sad and angry you are about all this. If you are content to be with him on his terms like this, then by all means, make that your decision and stay with him. But if you're not, and if you truly want a real relationship with someone who will take the time to get to know you without you giving yourself away so fast because you feel you need to in order to keep a man in your life, then let him go so you can both free yourselves up for someone who is on your same page.
If you haven't seen him in a month, it doesn't sound like there is anything there in this relationship, Helen, and I would certainly move on if I were you. The next time you think about his passion and sweet hug and kiss, remind yourself that any man can give you those things, but it takes a real relationship with a real person who's on the same page as you to have a real relationship to go along with it. And without that, you only have a superficial,
physical relationship.
I suspect that you have learned not to rock the boat, or say what's on your mind, or speak up and ask for what you want, Helen, because you are afraid of asking for too much and having someone leave you because you were too clingy or needy, or whatever you want to call it. But knowing yourself, and knowing what you deserve and just how much you have to offer someone who is looking for someone exactly like you and is willing to wait to get to know you better before having sex with you, is exactly what you need to do to be in a healthy relationship. If you haven't already, you may find it helpful to read a post I wrote about why you attract someone like this. You truly deserve so much more than this!
Hi Jane,
So I met a guy on-line and we went out on a date. We had a good time, and he kissed me goodnight. He mentioned us getting together the following weekend, but no definite plans were made, we said we discuss during the week. During the following week we exchanged a few e-mails, but he never mentioned getting together. Also, he never replied to my last e-mail before the weekend (I did not bring up getting together.).
A week went by and so I just sent him a general e-mail saying that I was thinking about him and asked how he was and if he had completed a work project he told me about. He responded and we've exchanged a few e-mails, but he hasn't mentioned getting together and I'm trying to figure out what to do.
If he wasn't interested would he have replied? Does he want to keep me on the back burner? Does he want to be e-mail buddies?
I'm confused about how what I should do now. Call him? Suggest getting together?
Your advice and suggestions are most welcome.
Thanks,
Cat5
This is so new, Cat5, that I would let it be if I were you. If he's interested in pursuing something more, and getting together in person, then he will most definitely let you know, regardless of whether you bring it up or not. There can be so many various reasons why he hasn't mentioned getting together, any of the things you suggest, and many times it's so much easier for a man to keep replying than to come right out and tell you what he is and isn't feeling or thinking about.
I've found that if you're initiating and he's responding, that isn't a good predictor of where he's at. If you stop initiating and he doesn't step up and initiate contact with you himself, that will definitely give you more information about whether he's on the same page as you. But don't take any of his actions or inaction personally; this is about him and not you. And if he's not where you're at or not interested in pursuing anyting furhter, remember that this isn't about trying to get someone to like you or be interested in you. You only want someone in your life who is actively pursuing you and interested in getting to know you better; and if it's not him, there will be someone else! Next!
Hi. Opinion of a 28 yr old guy for what its worth:
Here is how I look at it:
- Guy should call the girl. The man will call if he is interested in you.
- When you are with the guy (before or after) the girl should not play any games. This is the moment you should let him know you like him. If you give the guy mixed signals, he will hesitate to call you.
The only reason I say that the girl should not call the guy is because most guys will automatically jump at the opportunity to get a girl in the sack. So regardless of whether he is serious about you or not, he will probably respond positively to your call. The disadvantage here for the girl is that you are less likely to know the motives of the guy if you call him. If you as the girl are just looking for a swing, go ahead and call the guy.
Hi Jane,
I need your advice. I was seeing a guy I met online for about 3 1/2 months. Initially I was not attracted to him, but he was so nice and so considerate and well mannered that I had no reason not to keep seeing him. He would send me texts every morning and tell me he was really looking forward to seeing me again. He lives an hour away and didn't hesitate to drive all that distance to go out with me. When we kissed for the first time, it was like fireworks and I found myself really liking him after that. Sometimes, though, we would go 2 weeks without seeing each other because of his busy career, but he would always stay in touch. During this time, I asked him if he was seeing other people and he said he was not, but we never had a conversation about being exclusive. We spent the night at each other's places about 3 times, but never went all the way. I think he may have been confused about why we didn't go all the way, and I'll admit, I should have expressed to him that I did not feel comfortable doing that unless we were exclusive. I told him I wanted to take it slow, but not the part about being excusive. When Valentine's day came around, he didn't get me anything and I had noticed that he was acting a little distant. Instead of the usual daily text or call, he would go 2-3 days without contact. When I saw him for the last time a few days after Valentine's Day, I asked him if he was still interested in me since I felt he had become distant. He said he wanted to see me again and that I worried too much. I felt slightly reassured, but I was hoping this would open the lines of communication and we would have a talk about the relationship, but it didn't lead to that. After that, I heard from him sporadically. I called him and got voicemail. He texted me the next day and said he would call me back that night but never did. I texted him a week later and got no response. It has now been one month since I saw him last and 2 weeks since I sent the last text. I feel very distraught about this because I really liked him and felt we had so much potential. And I know he really liked me too. All my friends tell me not to contact him but I really need to know what happened. I'm afraid my hesitancy about sleeping with him or my hesitancy about discussing why I didn't feel comfortable doing it made him feel I wasn't interested. He is still online and active on it as well. I want to make one last effort to reach out to him. What do you think? Has too much time passed?
If you really need to make one last effort to reach out to him, at this point, it's not going to change anything or really have any effect either way, Anne. You've already done this over the last month by your repeated attempts to reach him, to talk to him, and so regardless of how much time has passed, it really won't matter.
As hard as it is to accept - and I know it is, my beautiful friend - the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept the fact that he just isn't there. He's not on the same page as you. He doesn't want the same thing, regardless of how much he pursued you in the beginning. This is no reflection on you, it is simply about him and not something you should in any way take personally. If you need some closure, or some answers, and you need these so badly that contacting him even though he has made it clear by his actions that he has moved on, still is better than living like you are second-guessing yourself like this, then know that it won't do any harm to what isn't there in the first place, but it may affect you.
If you can walk away now with your head held high because you can chose to let someone go who simply isn't on the same page as you and nothing more, you will retain so much more of your self-esteem and confidence. Because nothing he can say will make this better for you. Whatever you could or should have said or done differently to keep him in your life and the relationship continuing, it wasn't about any one thing. If he falls for you, he always falls for the essence of you, and not any one thing you do or don't do or say or don't say can change that.
Remember that dating is always about finding out whether or not you and another person are truly compatible and want the same things. And if your hesitancy about sleeping with him or how you handled it made him feel like you weren't interested, know that your repeated efforts to contact him since then have surely let him know you were. If he isn't returning your calls or texts, this isn't about you, Anne, it's about him and your best response is simply to move on, let him go, knowing that there is someone else out there for you who you will never have to wonder about his feelings for you!
Thanks for your response, Jane. I guess it's just really hard for me to accept that he ended things this way, by not returning my call or responding to my text. I would have thought that after all the time we spent together (we went on 10-11 dates), I deserved more than a simple break in communication. And the worst part is that I asked him straight up if he was interested the last time I saw him. And he said he wanted to see me again and that I worried too much. I just don't get it. It just seems so strange to end things like this after going on so many dates And you cant even blame it on being young and immature - he's 32. Part of me feels that maybe he does want to get in contact again with me, but he's embarrassed to do it, and maybe I should reach out to let him know it's ok to get in contact. In your opinion, would you contact him or just let it go?
I so hear you, Anne. It's always that much harder to accept and move on when it doesn't make sense. I hear how hard this is for you. And especially when you just asked him about this and he reassured you! If you listen to what he said - that you worry too much - this sounds to me like he knows where you're coming from and what you want from him. The fact that you asked him outright if he was interested and he obviously heard you and reassured you, all tell me that he knows what you're looking for from him. So based on that, I would personally let it go, if it were me. But it's not going to hurt anything to call him, it's not going to change anything. Just know that based on his lack of initiating contact with you, you may not get the response you're looking for. But you will at least have closure - and it sounds like that is your greater need right now. The bigger question I would ask yourself, though, is if you really want this person in your life if he's not actively pursing you the way you so deserve to be pursued. There's no right or wrong here, Anne, there's just you and what you need and what will help you move on. Know that this is about him, not you. You're still the same beautiful woman you've always been with or without him!
Thank you so much, Jane. I realize now after having a few days to think about it that I don't really want closure. I want to reach out to him because I would have liked to have kept seeing him and I wish that we were seeing each other still. I've never had a relationship that lasted this long end this way. I'm scared though that if I do reach out to him ( I would probably send him a text), that he won't return it and I won't get closure either way. And, in addition, I'll look desperate and pathetic. Do you have tips for moving on from this? What kind of people do what this guy did? Is this a character trait, or did he just not think enough of me to return my call or even to come clean about not wanting to see me again?
So many possible reasons, Anne, but nothing that has to do with you. This is always about their stuff, their unfinished business, their backgrounds, their baggage. The best thing you can do is refuse to go to that place where you try to figure them out and analyze them, because it really could be anything. Although I know firsthand just how hard that can be to actually not do that! But it never helps, it doesn't bring him back around, and it rarely ever makes you feel better. If you feel he wouldn't respond, you're probably right - but do give yourself credit for being honest with yourself here on what you were looking for! So often it's easier to look at the surface than deeper at what's really going on with our motives for doing something.
When you ask if he didn't think enough of you to be honest with you - my beautiful friend, this is all about him. Any man who behaves like this isn't worth even thinking twice about whether he thought enough of you or not - he isn't worth you even going there! In my experience, most often what happened is he simply wasn't comfortable enough with himself to be honest with you - he didn't have the courage to be honest with you. And so, you see, it is not about you, at all! He wouldn't have been able to be honest with anyone! And he has to live with himself, too, so know that whenever someone behaves like this, it affect them on some level as well, and they need to deal with that part of themselves before they can be in a healthy relationship. So there is no great loss. He's just not there.
The best thing to do to move on, is to fill your time and life with things that you enjoy, that give you confidence in who you are, that remind you of all the things you can do, and all the beautiful talents and gifts you possess, while putting yourself in situations where you can meet some new people who share your values and your passions. It's that balance of finding out what brings out the best in ourselves while increasing our social circles so that we realize he isn't the only one out there like him, and we have the reminder that we are still the same person with just as much of a life and just as much to offer someone truly deserving of all we are, as you were before him. And little by little, over time, you will start to see yourself and him in a more realistic light and realize that you really do deserve so much more that what he had to offer you. Letting go and moving on is always a dance; it's more of a two steps forward, one step back momentum, than a cut and dry end. But know this, Anne, that there is someone out there looking for exactly who you are, just as much as you are looking for him. And when it's with the right person, you'll never have to second-guess anything!
Jane, I so appreciate your taking the time to respond to each of my questions. Thank you so much for your kind words . They mean so much. I am going to try to put this behind me and move on just like you said, by doing things that I enjoy and make me happy. Please know that you are doing so much good with this website - I know that I can speak for all your readers and say that your words have so much insight and make all the difference when life and relationships can seem so complex and complicated. Thank you for all you do!
Thank you for your kind words, Anne; I'm always inspired to hear that something I can offer is truly helping and making a difference in some way. Thank you for letting me know.
Jane, I'm writing back about this because I just spoke to a friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in 2 months and told her the story about this relationship. She was outraged that I hadn't written him or called him to tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that you don't "pull the fade" after a 4 month relationship. I'm starting to regret never having defended myself and never having let him know that he couldn't treat me like this. I feel that maybe by not telling him all this, I sort of went along with everything. Talking to my friend just opened up all these feelings I had that I never got off my chest because I wasn't ever able to talk to him about how I was feeling (because he never returned my call). I never got a chance to tell him that he can't leave someone high and dry like this. Now it's been a month and a half since I last saw him. I feel it's too late to tell him all of this and I lost my opportunity. Please help!
Yes, Anne, you can certainly call him or write him and lay into him and call him every name in the book, and tell him in no uncertain terms that he cannot treat you like he did, but at the end of the day I have never found it changed anything nor made anyone feel better for doing this. What I have found to work so much better is to write it all out on paper, tell him everything you want to say in a letter you don't send because then you have gotten it all out and can reread it whenever you doubt that you're not better off without him. Because you are!
You haven't missed out on any opportunity because there simply was no opportunity, Anne - and not because of you, but because of him. He wasn't there, he wasn't who he thought he was and despite all the potential he showed, he wasn't compatible with you or else it would have continued. In reality, he could treat you like he did, because he did, and he can leave someone high and dry like this, because he did. You can say all this to him and so much more, but in reality, it's always your actions that say so much more than your words ever could.
Don't beat yourself up here for even a minute for not calling him on his behavior and going along with it all! We've all been there at one time or another, full of regrets for what we wish we had said and done while we are setting the tone for the relationship. You're not the only one who's learned this the hard way or after the fact! It's so easy for our well meaning friends who are looking out for us to tell us what we need to do, but you're the one living your life so this strength has to come from you. And it will, Anne. Because as hard as it is to get over him, it will get easier. And if you want to, know you can always call him, you can always write to him, you can always ask him if the two of you can start over again - just make sure you're prepared for his response, my beautiful friend.
Because sometimes it's simply about knowing we always have a choice that it makes it easier to move on from here.
Everything you said is true, Jane. Thanks so much for that. I just wish he had called me back when he said he would and told me how he felt. Even if he had said he didn't want a relationship or didn't want to see me again, it wouldn't have been as painful an end as the way it ended in reality, by him ignoring my phone call and text. In your opinion, would you defriend him on Facebook? I hadn't wanted to defriend him because I wanted to keep that line of communication open, but today, he put a picture up of himself at a concert and I was sad all day.
Whenever I wasn't sure what to do, I would ask myself what it benefits me, or what it hurts me. If it hurts you, Anne, don't put yourself through any more hurt or pain. You've been through enough already. But if it benefits you, in some way that only you can know, then leave it the way it is. This is about you, my sweet friend, not about him. But I would ask yourself why you want to keep that line of communication open if he knows where you are and how to get ahold of you. Men can become extremely productive when they want something.
Know that you're really not missing out on anything, Anne - if it's not meant to be, it's not there. It's just the illusion we create for ourselves when we're on the outside looking in and everything seems like it would be so amazing if only we were still a part of his life. Don't go there, Anne, because I can say with absolute confidence that it's not. It's that selective memory so many of us have. And the amazing ability to see someone's potential even in the midst of our heartbreak.
This ability to love that you have, Anne, is such a beautiful thing when shared with someone who proves himself to be truly worthy of this tender-hearted woman known as you. You have such a beautiful giving, soul; don't ever let this experience harden that beautiful heart of yours!
I started talking to a guy about a month ago after meeting in a bar.. (I had seen him around for years and always thought he was so cute!) Things seemed to be going well at first, we were texting every day..I was trying to 'play it cool' so as not to scare him off, so I would try and not text back straight away (silly games I know, but I think I have been too keen in past relationships!) Just over a week ago I let him stay over at my house after a night out thinking my parents wouldn't find out (I am in my 20s but still live at home), however my mother realised I had someone in my room and went crazy at me. The guy seemed to find it funny at first, and afte he'd left he was texting me as usual for about a day. Then I didn't hear from him for another 2 days so I sent him a casual text which he replied to the same day. I left it another day and replied to his message... that was last Thurday (it is now Tuesday) and I haven't had a response to my message (in which I asked a couple of questions)... Do you think it is worth sending another text? Or do you think the incident with my mother could have scared him off?! I really liked him and he seemed so nice...however the stress of him not texting is getting a bit too much for me and I am spending so much time worrying about it I don't know if it's healthy! Can you offer me some advice please? Thank you!
I hear you, JG; it's hard to know where he's at and it sounds like the stress of not hearing from him is more stressful than just being yourself with him and texting him. You can't know where he's at, or if that incident scared him off, but if it did, than know that he just isn't on the same page as you, and it's always better to find out now than later on down the road when you're invested more of your heart in him. But it isn't going to change anything if you contact him, so if that's what you need to do to put yourself at ease, and relieve some of your stress about this, then it sounds like that means more than just letting it go and accepting that if he was interested in pursuing something further with you, he would let you know.
Remember that this is about him, and you really don't know him well enough to even know if you would want him contacting you again! You always deserve someone who you don't have to doubt if they're interested in you or not, so remember that, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. If it's not him, there will be someone else who will be letting you know without a doubt that he is interested in getting to know you better and finding out if the two of you are compatible!
Thanks so much for getting back to me Jane. Since writing my first post I have had more time to think about it and discuss everything with my friends. I have decided not to text him..as much as I *want* to just to find out why he has "disappeared", I have realised that the answer is probably not going to be one I want to hear! Thanks for your reply and the link to the other article, it has really helped me to realise that if he does want to contact me then he knows where I am and how to contact me...and if not then I am better off without him. It's a shame because he seemed so promising (plus I had a crush on him for so long) so I think perhaps I over-romanticised the idea of him in my mind!! The time I did actually spend with him he was great, and I think I am just going to accept that time for what it was and realise that we are obviously on different pages. The whole way through the "relationship" I always thought he seemed too good to be true..and I guess my instinct was right! I wish it wasn't so difficult!! Thanks again for your kind and useful advice, your articles are great and I am sure they have helped a lot of people. x
So glad to have been able to help here, JG - and I appreciate your kind words. Be absolutely confident that if he was as promising as he seemed, it would have worked out because it always takes two people on the same page who want the same thing to make any promising potential relationship work. As hard as it can be to accept, there is no real loss when you look at it this way; just a reality check!
Hi Jane, I thought I would give you a little update on this situation.. After not hearing from him for over a month I happened to run into him on a night out last weekend. I decided not to go and speak to him but he text me that night saying how he's been having a difficult time at home and then felt like he had left it too long without texting and then felt too awkward to text me. I am not sure if I believe him..but I have heard from him a couple of times this week.. I guess I will have to see if he really means that, but I am definately not stressing anymore because I know that if he wants to get in touch, then he will! And if not then I know it's nothing to do with me or anything I have said or done. Feeling really positive about everything now and I am really enjoying your mailing list
Thanks for the update, JG; it sounds like you've got exactly the perspective that will keep you from having your heart broken, regardless of the outcome. You've got it!
I really need advine.
Ive been on a long distance relationship for 2 years. It has been on and off but the past 6 months had been really great, since we live really far away we made plans for him to come see me he wanted to meet my family he even suggested we should get married. We talked every day but suddenly he stoped calling .
I called a couple times but felt he was distant confronted him about it and he said he was worried we couldnt make it work and that he really loved me but maybe we had to be realística about it or come up with a solution like me moving to his country he was bussy so he said hed call the next day so we could come up with ideas but he hasent called in 4 days what should i do? Should i give up on the whole relationship?
It's really up to you, Mika. You've already called him, you've already confronted him, and he told you he'd call so you can figure this out together. Whatever the reality of where he stands, calling him to try to get more of an answer or not calling him and giving up on the relationship isn't going to change anything. It's about what you need to do for yourself. For your own peace of mind. You have a pretty clear answer by his lack of communication and the fact that you've been the one initiating contact since he stopped calling, but that doesn't mean you can't reach out again if that's what you need to do to move on.
This isn't about you, this is about him, Mika. Whatever has or hasn't changed for him, know that you're still the beautiful woman you were and always have been with or without him. If he isn't there on the same page as you are, wanting the same thing you do, you haven't lost anything. You deserve nothing less than someone who wants the same thing and is committed to making that happen - regardless of long distance circumstances or anything else! That's what a real relationship is all about.