Last month we discussed the reasons he hasn’t called.
Since then, I've gotten a lot of questions about dating protocol regarding whether we should go ahead and call him, or wait it out and see if he comes around.
It got me thinking about this topic and what’s really going on with this whole should I call him?, how long should I wait before it’s ok to call him?, etc. Why do we put so much of our energy into trying to figure out this simple decision? Because it has such implications.
Or does it? Does it really matter if we call him or not call him?
Of all the things I remember from my single days, that’s probably one of the most memorable; the “do I or don’t I call him” conundrum.
You know, the one where you call your best girlfriends, or maybe even your mom, and go over the pros and cons of calling him or waiting for him to call. And waiting and waiting and waiting.
And I started thinking about why it’s so hard for us to wait for him to call. And why it feels so much better to just pick up the phone and call him, even if we think we probably shouldn't And I realized that it’s because we live in such a proactive world where we’re always told we need to be doing something, always actively doing rather than passively reacting or waiting.
But that’s the confusing part.
Because on the one hand, we’re told to be assertive (and certainly our professional lives are all about that), but on the other hand, the culture of dating is still mostly about him pursuing and us waiting to be pursued. And is also seems to be the way men and women are wired.
Well, it can all be just a tad confusing when we’re trying to figure out what to do and how to navigate these waters. Is it just old fashioned?
I mean, times have changed, right? Women are empowered.
But then we read something else that says, no, boy chases girl. It’s how we’re wired; it’s in our DNA. At this point, we’re right back to where we started. What do we do with all that?
Here’s the simple answer. If he hasn't called and you really want to talk to him, if he’s the right guy for you and you’re the right woman for him, it won’t matter. None of it. You can call if you want to; he can call if he wants to. You can wait if you want to, or don’t wait if you don’t want to.
There. That’s it. I said it was simple.
Because the very worst thing you can do if he hasn't called yet, is to not be true to yourself. Where you start playing games. And falling into some kind of scripted roles. Something someone told you that you should be or do.
Being or doing something that’s just not really what you’re all about.
When I look at the whole “call/don’t call” debate I went through in my single days with all the guys who were not the ones for me, and when I look at all the mistakes I made with the guy who turned out to be the real thing, I realize it’s true!
It doesn't matter.
So save yourself all the agony, all the second guessing, all the frenzied conferences with your girlfriends, your mom, the cashier at the grocery store, your hairdresser, the guy in the apartment down the hall – you get the point. Just stop, relax and breathe. It’s OK.
All those books and advice from friends about the rules and all that stuff, it doesn't matter. If he’s the right guy and you’re being real, and you call him when you’re thinking about him, it’s OK. And if it’s not OK with him, it’s still OK with you.
Because that’s how we find out whether or not this guy is the right guy for us.
If we’re OK with something, and he’s not, it doesn't mean there’s something wrong with us. It just means that we’re not right for each other. So don’t blame yourself. Or your decision to call or wait. And whatever you do, relax.
It’s that simple.
P.S. When you've been used to being in relationships with crazy-making guys like the ones we've been with, it’s normal to over think this whole topic. Stuff like this mattered to them because they had lots of their own issues and weren't ready for a real relationship in the first place. And trying to be in a relationship with that guy will just mean a lot of heartache. With a real guy who wants a relationship with you, it’s easy. And not crazy-making.
Just follow your heart and know that whether you end up calling or not, waiting for him to call or not, it’s OK. If it’s the real thing, you’ll know. And if it’s not, you’ll know that soon enough too. And it won’t be because you went with the girlfriends that said to call, or your Mom who said to wait. It’ll be because it really wasn't the right relationship for you.