14 Warning Signs That He’s Not That in to You

When I look back at all the relationships that didn’t work out (that I so wanted to at the time), I realize that in every case, there were early warning signs that my guy gave me that could have given me some idea of the heartbreak I was going to experience if I had only been aware of what to look for.

So, to spare you from what happened to me, to give you the inside scoop on what you can be on the lookout for, here’s my list of the warning signs that I didn’t heed, that you can.  Here they are, in no particular order …

1.) He doesn’t call you when he says he will.

Granted, I know that sometimes life can get it the way, and if he’s working late on that big project with the looming deadline it’s possible that time might get away from him once in a while.  But if this happens more than once or twice, it’s a sure sign that you’re just not a priority for him right now.  If a guy is really interested in starting (or continuing) a real relationship with you, you will be on his mind, and he won’t forget to call.

2.) He’s often late and doesn’t call to let you know.

I know there are lots of reasons people can run late that are beyond their control (traffic jam, car problems, being stuck at the office), but a quick call from his cell phone will put your mind at ease, and let you know that you have a few more minutes to try on that one other outfit you were still considering.  The point here is about being respectful of your time – we can forgive lateness, even chronic lateness (some people just aren’t good at judging how much time something will take), but not calling to let you know he’ll be a little late?  That’s inexcusable and a sure sign that he’s not too concerned about you.

3.) He’s doesn’t show up at all (and doesn’t call) when you have plans to see him.

OK ladies, unless he was (verifiably) unconscious in a hospital somewhere, getting stood up is a “one strike and you’re out” offense.  There is absolutely no good reason for this (except the one above), and if you stay with him after a maneuver like that, you’ll be in for a very bumpy emotional ride that’s almost guaranteed to end badly.  Cell phone reception is excellent these days (unless he’s a lumberjack working in the great North Woods), so this one is unforgiveable.

4.) He has rules about how often he can see you.

It’s one thing to have the boys’ “Wednesday Poker Night”, or something along those lines, but if he’s only willing to get together say, every other weekend (with the exception being a child custody situation), then that’s a sure sign he’s keeping his options open and still scouring the market for something better (at least in his mind – he just doesn’t realize that you’re the best thing going!).

5.) He knows way more about you than you know about him.

If you find yourself doing all the talking during your conversations, and when you ask him something about himself he doesn’t say much, it may be because he’s hiding something or doesn’t want to get too close to you.  Many guys just aren’t big talkers, but if he hasn’t told you the details of where he works, where he grew up, went to school, etc., and if he gives you vague answers when you ask him about these specifics, then that means he’s keeping you at a distance.

6.) You know way more about him than he knows about you.

This one is the flip side to the last warning sign - if he’s so busy talking all about himself, and shows no interest in who you are, what you like to do, or what your idea of the future looks like, this should be a real red flag.  The good news about this one is that there’s no danger of taking it  personally – it’s all about him.  It has nothing to do with you – this kind of guy isn’t interested in anyone – but himself.  Steer clear (way clear).

7.) He doesn’t tell anyone about you.  (Read: No one knows he has a girlfriend – YOU)

If he doesn’t introduce you to his friends, or ask you to hang out with them once in a while, go to a party or get together with them - that’s a sure sign that he’s not sure about the whole thing.  Of course you may not want to hang out with his friends much, particularly if they’re a group of partying bachelors, but they should at least know about you, and it should be your decision.  How they treat you when you’re around can also be a big tell-tale sign of how things are going or will go – if they kind of treat you like “yeah, you’re the girlfriend of the month, I’ll talk to you if you can make it past week 4”, then that’s a sign of what’s likely to be coming next.

8.) He doesn’t invite you to meet his family – ever.

Of course inviting you to meet the family is a big deal, as it should be, and it doesn’t happen until he feels like this thing is going somewhere.  So that’s just it – if time is starting to drag on, and he still hasn’t invited you to meet his family, the likelihood is that he’s having doubts about the relationship.  There is the outside chance that he’s embarrassed by his family. I have a good friend whose husband’s family (which consists of his elderly mother and Aunt, who raised him together and still both live together) are essentially, well, mildly deranged.  They look like the stereotypical “bag ladies”, and even showed up for my friends nuptials wearing multiple layers of ragged clothing and carrying some of their belongings in what were essentially re-useable shopping bags.  But he had told her about them fairly early on in their relationship, and she did finally meet them.  And let me say, as far as mildly deranged people go, they’re very sweet (I met them at the wedding), and they did a great job at raising their son/nephew.

So the bottom line is that if the relationship has been going on for some time – just to put a number on it, let’s say over 6 months – and he hasn’t invited you to meet his family yet, it’s certainly time to question him about it.  If he still doesn’t introduce you?  Time to start planning your exit strategy.

9.) He doesn’t spend the holidays with you.

I know there are situations, such as when a divorced man wants to spend time with his children at the family holiday get together, but even then he can make time for you either before or after his family time.  Everyone knows how special holidays are to us women, and if he doesn’t, then that’s a sign of other issues (for example, not being considerate and thoughtful regarding your feelings).  If he’s just taking off on a surf vacation to Bali with his buddies over the holidays because that’s when it’s less crowded, and you’re not invited, then you’re clearly a low priority to him.

10.) He’s got lots of female friends – and makes sure you know this.

In my experience, “platonic” friendships are rarely, if ever, that – there are almost always some feelings in one direction.  Either the guy is secretly harboring feelings for the girl, or vice versa.  And when a guy is in a relationship, he has so much less time to spend with his buddies – why on earth would he ever choose to spend that precious time with another woman?  Well, there are a number of reasons he might, and they all involve one deep seated issue or another, and none of them are good.  And making sure you know about it?  That’s just playing games, and just another reason to get out and find yourself an emotionally healthy man to be in a relationship with.

11.) He doesn’t tell you what he’s doing, where he’s going, or when he’ll be back.

If your guy likes to keep you guessing, there’s a reason.  This is another sure sign that he’s keeping his options open.  In a healthy relationship there’s no hiding or secrets.  If he’s not being open and upfront about his whereabouts, then stop worrying about it – just move on.

12.) He doesn’t talk about his plans for the future with you.

I’m all for living in the moment and enjoying the “now”.  But eventually in a relationship a discussion of future plans has got to come up – otherwise you’ll never know if the two of you are sailing together or heading towards different continents.  If he’s not at least occasionally talking about the future with you then chances are, in his mind, you’re not in it.

13.) He lets you know he had a life without you and he still has a life without you.

I mean, sure, when you’re first dating, it’s interesting to hear about the places your guy has been and all of the fun times he’s had with his friends. But if he’s still reminiscing about his single life escapades after your relationship has moved to the next level, or worse, making plans to have more of those escapades (without you), then the truth is he still wants to be single.  Let him.

14.) You feel like if you could just change yourself and not be so needy, this would all work out.

This is by far the biggest warning sign of all.  If you start to feel that there’s something wrong with you, or you’re doing something wrong that’s causing him to pull away, and maybe if you just gave him more of the freedom he wants, and wait for him quietly, and…well, you get it.  Don’t fall into this trap.  If you want a real relationship, equipped with real feelings, real caring, real consideration, and real romance, and he doesn’t, then he’s not the right guy for you and let him (and yourself) go.

So if you see any of these warning signs, and especially if you see several of them, chances are that this is not a guy that’s looking for a real relationship right now – or at least not the kind you’re looking for.  Your best bet is to walk away gracefully, with your self-esteem intact, and not look back (even if he then starts calling you and chasing you – that’s just a sign of a game-player with deeper issues). Rather than trying to get him to change or waiting for him to come around, try focusing on you and why you’re in a relationship with someone like this.  If you find yourself in this type of relationship often, which many of us do, it’s time for some real soul searching to get to the root of it.  If you have access to good counseling, take advantage of it, as many times this is the only way to true healing.  And it will be worth it in the long run, to get you past the cycle of toxic relationships so you can move on to the kind of true, sustainable love that you want to attract into your life.

Sometimes it’s hard to see when we’re in it, but know that if you’re settling for less than you deserve, there truly is someone out there ready and waiting to give you what you’re looking for – and to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.  It’s in believing in ourselves, trusting our gut instincts and discovering who we really are and what we’re really looking for, that all the other pieces of the puzzle fall into place and we find ourselves finally getting it right and discovering the love of our lives – the one who doesn’t come with any red flags.  And you deserve nothing less than that, no matter where you’ve been or what you’ve been through.

It’s all out there waiting for you!

About Jane

Comments

  1. oh jane... i agree with all these warning signs!! esp 10. there's no such thing as a "platonic friendship" after the age of 10! and that's something i made very clear to all my boyfriends (i said all like i've had 15 when it's a total of 2 serious ones! haha ) and as far as my own single male friends... well i lied and told my boyfriends at the time that they were gay... so this way they would be okay with us hanging out!
    ^ i've grown up a lot since then^ ;-)

  2. Tara - you're too funny! :-)

  3. The Love Doctor says:

    Jane, this is an EXCELLENT list! If more women would TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS, they would not waste weeks, months, years, or in some cases decades of their lives. Regardless of what men say, men SHOW us exactly how they feel about us. I've found that if a woman ever has to ask herself if she is in a relationship OR if the man is even into her, he's not.

  4. Jane,
    this is the most wonderful blog I have found. I am at that point of #14- "What is wrong with me"... Its Christmas, I am going to be alone. I guess I will just have to get through it, and move on.
    Bobbi

    • Thanks for your kind words, Bobbi. Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year to be single, especially when it's seems like everyone else has someone and seems to have some kind of magic in them that you find yourself wondering what is wrong with you. I wrote a post about how to get through this during the holidays especially that you may find comforting. Know that you are so not alone, and that having been there myself so many holiday seasons, I can honestly that it is better to be alone during this time than with the someone who may be there physically, but isn't there in that emotionally committed way that is really what we all long for.

  5. Some men think that 'they are the GOD GIFTED for the women'' and I understand if they are,
    1-DROP DEAD GORGEOUS + NICE PERSONALITY
    2-İNTELLEGENT
    3-WELL EDUCATED
    4-RICH AND ARISTOCRAT
    5-SOPHISTICATED
    If they have these qualıties, FINE, I can understan that they are the GOD GIFTED for the women;-) and I would say 'HE HAS A RIGHT TO THİNK THAT, HE IS THE GIFT TO ME'' BUT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE THESE FIVE QUALITIES, THEN HE HAS TO KNOW HIS PLACE..

    • And even with all that, Sema, if he doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then none of that really matters.

  6. Hi Jane!
    First time here, read a couple of blog posts... And had to stop and congratulate you + THANK YOU! I love the way you write + communicate + express what is really important when it comes to getting true love... Will read more + your story of success! Cheers!

  7. Jane,

    Thank you so much for your articles. These are the numbers that I link myself and my relationship to above:
    2, 5, 10, 11, 12, 14. So I know I really have to move on with my life and this has been going on for quite a long time with my son's father!
    I really love him but I won't sit back and let him hurt me anymore. I am going to do me from now on and I mean it.

    Thank you so much, you're a darling Jane!

    • It's so hard when you love someone like this, Denise, and yet the reality is that they don't feel the same way that you do. And when you so want them to. You deserve so much more than this! Take it in baby steps. Don't be hard on yourself for how long you've stayed or what you might have done differently. Today is a new day, and tomorrow will be too. It's never too late to start anew, again and again and again; you deserve everything wonderful that love and life have to offer, Denise.

      And you don't ever deserve to be hurt like this; love is about being loved, not being hurt. You can do this. One very tiny baby step at a time. You deserve nothing less than a love that loves you back every bit as much as the love that you give. You have so much to offer, so much to give, and there will be someone else who will see exactly this.

  8. You have described it so well! And it is all SO true! As I have gotten older I have realized the games that were played and the signs that I missed. I can related to each and every single example you have posted. This is definatly a single girls guide and Bible of things to look for!
    Well said!

    37 yr old happily married mom of 3 :)

    • Thanks for your feedback, LuvlyT; I appreciate your words that can only come from the experience of having been there in the first place. :-)

  9. Jane,

    i've been through a lot of relationships before but it didn't work out well..i became more needy and needy..it seems that its not good for me..i didn't understand myself why i became like this, so much needy and became more emotional, lots of FEARS..that's why my last relationship doesn't work out well either..i fall into his trap.. i don't know how to start a relationship and i don't know how to handle a relationship either..the biggest thing is that I DON'T KNOW MYSELF..for ten years my heart is full of hurts, i don't know what i'm going to do for myself, i wanted to start a new me, of who i was before.. no real guys would love to commit me. i kept attracting the wrong guys..at first they were good..later on they changed and then i fell into their trap that's why i kept on hurting myself, lots of confusions, my self-esteem were very low, my confidence were gone..almost about myself were gone..i want to go back of who i was before..the confidence and my self worth is there.. please help me to understand myself i need some advice. thank you..hope to hear you soon.

    • Your confidence and self-esteem are still there, Angel! It's a journey to know yourself, to find out who you really are - especially when you've gotten so used to being what everyone else has wanted you to be and you've gotten so used to living for everyone else except yourself. Know that this neediness, the strong emotions, the fears - these are all what we take on when we live in the place of what we believe someone else expects of us rather than living in the light of who we truly are! Of course we feel needy when we've been with ones who have left us; of course we feel fearful when we've been with ones who've left us after we opened our hearts to them and fell in love with the idea of them and all their potential - even if we were the only ones who could see it.

      It all makes sense, so many of the issues we think we have if we see them as a result of what we've surrounded ourselves with. But you are not your past, Angel. You are not these things! You don't have to be needy if you can see the reality that you never have a need for someone who isn't right for you, who isn't on your page, no matter how great he seems. You don't have to be fearful if you can see the reality that there is enough of everything to go around - including men, including love - if you're not restricted to the cultural and media's view of love and what it takes to be worthy of love. If you don't know how to start a relationship or how to be in one, then wait until one comes along that naturally happens and you will know that you're with someone different.

      It's a journey, Angel. It doesn't happen overnight, but the best way to start is by going easy on yourself, learning to love yourself, to accept yourself for all that you are, and by not giving yourself away to someone who isn't deserving of you!

      Start each day by writing out a list of of everything that you are, everything that you have to offer and every right you have simply by being you, and then pick something to do everyday that makes you feel special, that increases your confidence in your gifts, your talents, your hobbies, your passions and reminds you that there is so much more to life than living settling for anyone else's terms! You can do this, Angel. One small step at a time.

  10. thank you so much, Jane..at this moment of my life i'm working for it, i do hope it will come out as what i wanted to be, a real person of me, not the one that i used to think that it was me.

    • You're so welcome, Angel. She's right there, the real you, just waiting to show you all that she is and all that she can do!

  11. Kathleen says:

    Jane, I just broke up with someone who I really was crazy about, but he just was hitting many of the areas on your list. The ones that really resonated were him still having his life and having no idea where he was and what he was doing. He was always pretty vague and with his feelings too. I have been sad but also working on me because I realize that I do not want to settle for less than feeling love, nor do I want to devalue myself. It does not matter if you miss the person if they never really "saw" you to begin with. You really get to the heart of the matter and say some true and healing words to women on the mend.

    • "It doesn't matter if you miss the person if they never really "saw" you to begin with." Love how you put this, Kathleen; it's so very true.

      We miss someone but we eventually discover we really didn't know them as well as we thought we did and they didn't really know us in the way that matters. We usually miss the idea of them more than the reality of them. The fantasy we create in our minds of what could be, if only they were everything we think they could be. That potential again.

      Thanks for your kind words, Kathleen; I had to learn so much of this the hard way so your words take me back to a different time in my life as well.

  12. Hi Jane. We sms every night. and call each other 3 times a day. but meanwhile he always forgot when he promise to call me. And he had rules about how often we will meet, only once in a week! I am angry about this, but how can a girl tell a guy that i want to see you, the guy should take initiation. He always say he is busy and he spent most of his time and efforts in the company. And he will tell some bad jokes about love which made me very sick. But when we r together, he is very gentleman, and he is doing charity. In a word, he hit most of the 14 warnings in half time, and meanwhile doing sth opposite to these warnings in another half time. Making me headache yaaaaaaa!

    • I so hear where you're coming from Wen, that sound that we utter when we get so tired of trying to figure him out, to change something about him to make it all that it could be. If only ... we say.

      Tell him by your actions, Wen; they say so much more than your words alone. It's all about deciding for yourself what you can and can't live with, whether these inconsistencies in his behavior are dealbreakers or not. Only you know what he means to you, what being with him is worth to you. He's clearly defined his own terms of the relationship, now it's up to you to raise the bar and set the standard for how you are willing to be treated!

      Remember that you are in control here, my beautiful friend, even if it doesn't feel that way; you are!

  13. I found your website while looking for ways to comfort and guide my 16 year old daughter through her first heartbreak - have you considered a book for teens on dating. I have tried to give her some advice but I am worried that I am mixing my emotions into the equation - I know logically that my heartbreak at her age is not the same as hers but why do I feel such strong emotions about what she is going through

    • Her feelings - and what she's going through - are probably triggering some old long-forgotten familiar feelings in you, Renee. It makes sense, since we store so many memories in our minds even if we don't recall them all until something triggers us that brings it all back. Try to listen, to really validate her feelings, to be there for her by your presence, more than anything you might try to say to her. What she needs more than anything else is to be heard - to feel heard - and to know that someone is there for her. More than anything you can say to her, it's this that will help her the most. Know that you can't fix it, you can't make it all better no matter how much you want to. You can also direct her to my posts about rejection and heartbreak when she's ready to hear something that might help her know she's not alone in what she's going through, and there is another way of looking at this.

      As for these emotions that are coming up for you, I have found journalling -writing out my feelings - to be one of the most therapeutic exercises in healing. If you haven't already, start a journal, and write out everything that's coming up for you. Remember that this is her experience, and as you've wisely realized, it can be all too easy to bring our own emotions and feelings into the picture, so remind yourself that this is her time, and yours can be on paper or through a conversation with a supportive friend at another time.

      Writing a book for teen girls - a life stage that is very near and dear to my own heart - is a project I have my eye on down the road, so it's interesting you mention this. It's beautiful that she has you, Renee, and that you want to help her like this. :)

  14. Hi, I'm having serious relationship problems. I don't quite think my boyfriend meets anything on this list but man am I ever confused! Every so often in my relationship I fear that maybe we want different lives and that it would be best to seperate...but we both love each other very much and want to make it work
    I hate how easy it is for people nowadays to just end it. Simple. I don't want to give up what we have, we've already shared so much. So how the heck am I supposed to know If we CAN work it out or if it's just not meant to be.
    It's entirely possible that I overthink EVERYTHING.

    Thanks for your time!

    • Keep living your own life and focusing on you, Laura. We sometimes get caught up in overthinking when we're led more by our culture and the media and our inherent belief systems that tell us what love and relationships "should" be like, rather than listening to our own hearts and minds. When we shift the focus to ourselves and creating our own full lives, filling our own cups full of the things and people that bring us happiness, what someone else does or doesn't do becomes less important as our lives on the whole and how we live them.

      Time will always reveal if you're both on the same page and want the same thing in your relationship. If two people are meant to be together, they will be together but only if they both want the same thing with each each and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You'll know, Laura. Trust yourself, over time, as you're being yourself and living your own life, everything will become more clear. It's only not meant to be if someone doesn't want it to be. It's always a choice - for both of you.

  15. Shazia Ashraffi says:

    I've been dating a guy for past 3yrs, had been doing everything possible to keep both of us happy
    But from last 4-5 months its not been the same whenever we had a fight its mostly me who has to call back n make up he never calls.. after a fight hardly 2-3 times he must have but every Sunday he spends with me even if he has any family time planned he still makes at least an hour for me but Sunday after a fight he doesn't show up
    He has introduced me to his family just with in a month , when we started dating he is a typical Muslim therefore he restricts a few things where free mixing of people otherwise he always says yes
    He takes my stand in front of his family and he buys gifts but 70% of the time he never keeps up his promises very forgetful I call him everyday 40-50 times and he answers my calls always even if he is in the meeting with boss or seminars he picks my call but doesn't talk in these situations every time we start talking at least 30 mins call
    But he upset very easily the way of thinking is similar but he find me tomboy and expects me to be more girly which I even try but... its difficult his family is very Orthodox whereas I'm not so he feels I'm a miss match to his family
    So whenever we fight since I'm little more educated than him he says" why are you stuck up with me I'm not suitable enough you can find a more educated guy than me...'"
    Any day he Is not able to give me enough time he apologizes for it

    He is very sweet and loving but when we fight he disconnects the call he says when he is angry he prefers to stay silent than dragging the issue ... and I still keep calling and after 6-10 calls back to back we make up
    Every morning I go to his house before going to work and the day I take leave he pass by my house can calls out
    My parents are unaware of this and he tries to fulfill all my needs
    But I don't give him enough time some times
    Every vacation I up till late night or awake all nite end up sleeping in morning and wake up at 1or 2 in afternoon he gets very upset and angry for this + that I didn't calls all this while

    • "he still makes at least an hour for me"
      "but 70% of the time he never keeps up his promises"
      "I call him everyday 40-50 times"
      "but he find me tomboy and expects me to be more girly which I even try"
      "he says" why are you stuck up with me I'm not suitable enough you can find a more educated guy than me...'"
      "But I don't give him enough time some times"

      Reread what you wrote here, Shazia; I've pulled just a few of your words that stood out as I was reading this. It sounds like you're forgetting that you're always the one doing the choosing, not him. If you have to try to be something you're not, if you're chasing him and he's still feeling like you don't give him enough, this sounds very one-sided from here. When you use phrases like "he still makes at least an hour for me", it sounds like you're surprised someone gives you this much of their time. But when you're with someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same thing you do with you and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, they don't just make time for you, they actually want to be with you and spend time with you and talk to you and make plans with you and be with you. Only you know how much of this is cultural, but regardless of what is going on with him, you deserve to be loved for who you are by someone who is truly compatible with you. You're clearly finding out what his terms are by his behavior and actions with you, my question for you is do you know what your own terms are?

  16. Shazia Ashraffi says:

    I'm very confused he keeps saying leave me and go disconnect the call don't talk to me etc when we fight but I still keep calling and he answers my call at the fourth time and says what now why u troubling and when I ask him is okay okay if I break up with u he says your wish and he never says go ahead and break up after continuously fightingiI suddenly tell him I Love you to this he says why are you telling this now you wanted to break up na
    And then he says I love you more than a hundred times and I reply too

    Why I get confused is when he happy he is a complete different person and when he is angry I feel he is a complete different man

    When there is no one at his place and he plan a date at his place he make lunch and also feeds me and I feed him tooiI specially make lunch for him n give him on 26 may 2014 I had a fight with him coz he had lot of porn in his phone for which he said I don't even watch it those are just what's app videos my friends sent but I still don't believe he called me 15 times after that I didn't answer his calls because his he told break up and let me free so for a change I disconnected the phone and I be not been talking to his since then
    So he mged say even u talk non sense I didn't mean it
    Along with a stupid video where a call keeps changing her boyfriends every time she finds a richer person

    See this vedio I got very furious n mged him if I was also of such character I would have been happily married long back to a rich dog...

    And after this mg I think he is too upset he didn't call back nor did I

    Its been 2days now I'm missing him I guess he is missing to..

    I'm not sure if I should call him this time...

    And I feel he loves me more than me...

    Every time we are together be it with his family or just us he always gazes at me...
    With a smile
    I love him...

    • Actions always say so much more than words, Shazia; it's up to you to decide what you can live with and what you can't with someone who has two very different sides to him.

  17. Shazia Ashraffi says:

    There is so much more Jane I think I can write endlessly about him.

    Shazia

    • There's something about writing it all out that is so therapeutic, Shazia; write as much as you need to :)

  18. Shazia Ashraffi says:

    Should I wait for him Jane or should I take the first step to reconcile
    As I know my last mg was heart breaking for him...

  19. Hey Jane :D it's my first time reading on your blog and I got to say u did a very clear and understanding list there! I'm personally facing problem with this one guy I'm with at the moment.. I gave him the sun and the moon I loved him regardless.. I could just ignore his flaws and his selfish attitude.. he's always giving time to his friends and he never really gave much time to me. We are in a LDR currently and it's been 1 year and 2 months to be exact. I've been always trying to tolerate him and I don't keep secrets with him as well. I tell him what's going on in my life and I always try to spend time with him when I get to. But he doesn't even put a slight single effort in the whole relationship. I get tired sometimes and as I get fed up I tends to get a bit emotional but I'm pretty good at restraining them as he doesn't like when I'm emotional, so I'm always restraining myself. Yesterday we had a chat and I requested to Skype him and watch some movies with him. But he gave me the same answer he gave me last year.. I was so hurt I felt like all the effort and understanding I gave him last year was effortless. I got hurt and I just told him to think about things and answer me if we should even be together anymore. I love him a lot and I really did do everything just to make him happy.. I spent money on him as well when he told me he always wanted certain stuff I always bear them in my and save up to buy him one. But yeah last night he told me he don't get why I'm so crazy in love with him.. I don't really know what to do and I stumble upon ur blog and I'm amazed :D I be referring to ur blog a lot more from now on ^-^ thanks once again to I Jane for the wonderful post and others for the great feedbacks :D made me feel that I'm not alone :)

    • I'm so glad this helped with where you're at and knowing you're not alone, Elaine. That's half the battle! Welcome! :)

  20. Hi Jane,
    Thanks so much for what you write. It helps me a lot. He was trying to a pproached me since 2012 and
    he was very sweet. To be honest I didn't realise that he had interest in me. Until few months ago, everything became clear and I started to fell in love with him.
    But without any reason, these last 1month suddenly he just pulles himself and left all the puzzle behind.
    I was really confused and hurt. But after analysing our relationship, there were certain vagueness that I just notice.
    Thanks Jane, ..i have sorted out my feeling. I feel a bit better....

    • I'm so glad these are helping you, Lina, and that you're seeing the vagueness that can be so hard to see at the time. Be so glad you found this out early, before you spent any more time and energy invested in someone who wasn't on the same page as you. You deserve so much more!

  21. Hi Jane,

    Number 1 and 2, and other similar issues apply to my relationship and I've always been troubled by them. I'm torn between feeling that I'm most important to him through some of his actions and debating whether I'm truly his priority through his other actions. I know that he spends most of his free time with me but I feel hurt in times when he would prefer to have time to himself. I often do wonder if I have insecurity issues as I like to know where he is at all times. I do not ask but expect him to let me know if he is going to be somewhere other than work or home, but sometimes he does not do this and it makes me feel insecure as if I dont know anything about him, even though in my heart I know that he is commited to me. I feel like these things are only in my head one moment, but the next I am afraid that my insecurities are substantiated. I can tell a good relationship from a bad one but is so much more difficult to judge when I am currently involved in the relationship!

    • You're not alone, Ree; it is always more difficult to see things clearly when we are so emotionally invested in a relationship! When we put someone up on a pedestal - often without even realizing we're even doing this - our insecurities can run rampant. When we take a step back and remember what we bring to the table, what we have to offer, when we remember that we're doing the choosing, we shift the power back to ourselves - so we can let him be him just as we remain true to ourselves. It's when we have that mindset that we're able to watch and observe without needing to control or make something happen so that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't make or break us. Trust that if the two of you are on the same page and want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, it will! That's the only kind of relationship you want - and deserve.

  22. DEAR JANE
    I APPRECIATE MOST YOUR ARTICLES AND I JUST WANTED TO HEAR YOUR ADVICE ON WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. I was only with this guy for 2 months that I met off a dating website. I knew he was in the process of having twins in the beginning.so basically I knew he had of baby mother that was about to give birth to twins.the relationship started off fast and he came to see me about 4 days a week or more. We got along perfectly and we had good times together. What had happened was I got upset because he never told the baby mother about me even though it was 2 months and I'm not sure if I was soon or not but i felt like she should know since he was spending so much time with me. Wednesday I went through his phone and I found that they were having a conversation and she was telling him that she loved him and when is he going to come see the kids.this was a few days after she gave birth he was down there at the hospital for about 4 days. So he had told me she had no way of talking to on the cell phone when it went through his phone I found the he was talking to her via text.that was a red flag to me which also was a red flag is that she was telling him that he she loved him and he was saying the same thing to her and it wasn't adding up to me.he had her thinking he was in the mountains for a few days.she asked are you going to be coming to see the kids soon . Long story short I'm still here thinking about him he hasn't called me in almost 4 weeks and Here I am still thinking about him wondering why he hasn't tried to chase me or get me back. Every guy that I have been with and that has done me wrong is trying to get me back in some type of way in a way it gives me some sort of power if you wiEvery guy that I have been with and that has done me wrong is trying to get me back in some type of way in a way it gives me some sort of power if you will. I feel guilty for some reason I feel guilty because I feel like I missed out on something good.but I think that's just my loneliness talking.I just wanna know why he hasn't tried to get me back because he was in the wrong.I'm sure the answer you're going to give me is that he's moved on and that's why he hasn't tried calling me.who knows maybe he's actually became a father now. when I sit here and think about it: I'm only 22 years old and I dont think im ready to be in a relationship with somebody that had kids with somebody and have to lie to me and the baby mother about what's going on. his excuse for lyingwas he didn't want it to coming between him seeing the kids. I hope you can give me some sort of insight on this I appreciate your advice thank you

    • "I'm sure the answer you're going to give me is that he's moved on and that's why he hasn't tried calling me.who knows maybe he's actually became a father now. when I sit here and think about it: I'm only 22 years old and I dont think im ready to be in a relationship with somebody that had kids with somebody and have to lie to me and the baby mother about what's going on." - Exactly, Anna. And the best advice of all? Don't ever become involved with someone who still belongs to someone else, who's in the process of becoming a father to someone else's children, or confused about whether he wants to be with the mother of his child or children. There's never anything good that can come out of this type of situation except a lot of pain and heartbreak for everyone involved, and especially the innocent children.

      Refuse to become involved with men like this, and you'll find that you'll never be wondering if you're "missing out on out on something good" that's meant for you - and right for you, Anna. Love is never complicated when it's between two people who on the same page to begin with, who want the same thing with each other, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You have your whole life ahead of you! Take your time to truly get to know someone and see if he's truly worthy of you - not the other way around.

      We all have regrets, Anna, we all have things we want to change about our pasts, but it's never too late to start fresh, to begin anew to live in a way that you can live with yourself and let go of the guilt, the blame and the shame that so often keeps us doing the same things over and over again. Today is always a new day!

I'd love to hear from you. Let me know what you think!

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