14 Warning Signs That He’s Not That in to You

When I look back at all the relationships that didn't work out (that I so wanted to at the time), I realize that in every case, there were early warning signs that my guy gave me that could have given me some idea of the heartbreak I was going to experience if I had only been aware of what to look for.

So, to spare you from what happened to me, to give you the inside scoop on what you can be on the lookout for, here’s my list of the warning signs that I didn't heed, that you can.  Here they are, in no particular order …

1.) He doesn't call you when he says he will.

Granted, I know that sometimes life can get it the way, and if he’s working late on that big project with the looming deadline it’s possible that time might get away from him once in a while.

But if this happens more than once or twice, it’s a sure sign that you’re just not a priority for him right now.  If a guy is really interested in starting (or continuing) a real relationship with you, you will be on his mind, and he won’t forget to call.

2.) He’s often late and doesn't call to let you know.

I know there are lots of reasons people can run late that are beyond their control (traffic jam, car problems, being stuck at the office), but a quick call from his cell phone will put your mind at ease, and let you know that you have a few more minutes to try on that one other outfit you were still considering.

The point here is about being respectful of your time – we can forgive lateness, even chronic lateness (some people just aren’t good at judging how much time something will take), but not calling to let you know he’ll be a little late?

That’s inexcusable and a sure sign that he’s not too concerned about you.

3.) He’s doesn't show up at all (and doesn't call) when you have plans to see him.

OK ladies, unless he was (verifiably) unconscious in a hospital somewhere, getting stood up is a “one strike and you’re out” offense.

There is absolutely no good reason for this (except the one above), and if you stay with him after a maneuver like that, you’ll be in for a very bumpy emotional ride that’s almost guaranteed to end badly. Cell phone reception is excellent these days (unless he’s a lumberjack working in the great North Woods), so this one is unforgivable.

4.) He has rules about how often he can see you.

It’s one thing to have the boys’ “Wednesday Poker Night”, or something along those lines, but if he’s only willing to get together say, every other weekend (with the exception being a child custody situation), then that’s a sure sign he’s keeping his options open and still scouring the market for something better (at least in his mind – he just doesn't realize that you’re the best thing going!).

5.) He knows way more about you than you know about him.

If you find yourself doing all the talking during your conversations, and when you ask him something about himself he doesn't say much, it may be because he’s hiding something or doesn't want to get too close to you.

Many guys just aren't big talkers, but if he hasn't told you the details of where he works, where he grew up, went to school, etc., and if he gives you vague answers when you ask him about these specifics, then that means he’s keeping you at a distance.

6.) You know way more about him than he knows about you.

This one is the flip side to the last warning sign - if he’s so busy talking all about himself, and shows no interest in who you are, what you like to do, or what your idea of the future looks like, this should be a real red flag.

The good news about this one is that there’s no danger of taking it  personally – it’s all about him.  It has nothing to do with you – this kind of guy isn’t interested in anyone – but himself.

Steer clear (way clear).

7.) He doesn't tell anyone about you.  (Read: No one knows he has a girlfriend – YOU)

If he doesn't introduce you to his friends, or ask you to hang out with them once in a while, go to a party or get together with them - that’s a sure sign that he’s not sure about the whole thing.

Of course you may not want to hang out with his friends much, particularly if they’re a group of partying bachelors, but they should at least know about you, and it should be your decision.

How they treat you when you’re around can also be a big tell-tale sign of how things are going or will go – if they kind of treat you like “yeah, you’re the girlfriend of the month, I’ll talk to you if you can make it past week 4”, then that’s a sign of what’s likely to be coming next.

8.) He doesn't invite you to meet his family – ever.

Of course inviting you to meet the family is a big deal, as it should be, and it doesn't happen until he feels like this thing is going somewhere.

So that’s just it – if time is starting to drag on, and he still hasn't invited you to meet his family, the likelihood is that he’s having doubts about the relationship.  There is the outside chance that he’s embarrassed by his family. I have a good friend whose husband’s family (which consists of his elderly mother and Aunt, who raised him together and still both live together) are essentially, well, mildly deranged.

They look like the stereotypical “bag ladies”, and even showed up for my friends nuptials wearing multiple layers of ragged clothing and carrying some of their belongings in what were essentially re-usable shopping bags.

But he had told her about them fairly early on in their relationship, and she did finally meet them.  And let me say, as far as mildly deranged people go, they’re very sweet (I met them at the wedding), and they did a great job at raising their son/nephew.

So the bottom line is that if the relationship has been going on for some time – just to put a number on it, let’s say over 6 months – and he hasn't invited you to meet his family yet, it’s certainly time to question him about it.  If he still doesn't introduce you?  Time to start planning your exit strategy.

9.) He doesn't spend the holidays with you.

I know there are situations, such as when a divorced man wants to spend time with his children at the family holiday get together, but even then he can make time for you either before or after his family time.

Everyone knows how special holidays are to us women, and if he doesn't, then that’s a sign of other issues (for example, not being considerate and thoughtful regarding your feelings).  If he’s just taking off on a surf vacation to Bali with his buddies over the holidays because that’s when it’s less crowded, and you’re not invited, then you’re clearly a low priority to him.

10.) He’s got lots of female friends – and makes sure you know this.

In my experience, “platonic” friendships are rarely, if ever, that – there are almost always some feelings in one direction or the other.

Either the guy is secretly harboring feelings for the girl, or vice-versa.  And when a guy is in a relationship, he has so much less time to spend with his buddies – why on earth would he ever choose to spend that precious time with another woman? Well, there are a number of reasons he might, and they all involve one deep seated issue or another, and none of them are good.

And making sure you know about it?  That’s just playing games, and just another reason to get out and find yourself an emotionally healthy man to be in a relationship with.

11.) He doesn't tell you what he’s doing, where he’s going, or when he’ll be back.

If your guy likes to keep you guessing, there’s a reason. This is another sure sign that he’s keeping his options open.

In a healthy relationship there’s no hiding or secrets. If he’s not being open and upfront about his whereabouts, then stop worrying about it – just move on.

12.) He doesn't talk about his plans for the future with you.

I’m all for living in the moment and enjoying the “now”. But eventually in a relationship a discussion of future plans has got to come up – otherwise you’ll never know if the two of you are sailing together or heading towards different continents.

If he’s not at least occasionally talking about the future with you then chances are, in his mind, you’re not in it.

13.) He lets you know he had a life without you and he still has a life without you.

I mean, sure, when you’re first dating, it’s interesting to hear about the places your guy has been and all of the fun times he’s had with his friends.

But if he’s still reminiscing about his single life escapades after your relationship has moved to the next level, or worse, making plans to have more of those escapades (without you), then the truth is he still wants to be single. Let him.

14.) You feel like if you could just change yourself and not be so needy, this would all work out.

This is by far the biggest warning sign of all.

If you start to feel that there’s something wrong with you, or you’re doing something wrong that’s causing him to pull away, and maybe if you just gave him more of the freedom he wants, and wait for him quietly, and…well, you get it.

Don’t fall into this trap.  If you want a real relationship, equipped with real feelings, real caring, real consideration, and real romance, and he doesn't, then he’s not the right guy for you and let him (and yourself) go.

So if you see any of these warning signs, and especially if you see several of them, chances are that this is not a guy that’s looking for a real relationship right now – or at least not the kind you’re looking for.

Your best bet is to walk away gracefully, with your self-esteem intact, and not look back (even if he then starts calling you and chasing you – that’s just a sign of a game-player with deeper issues).

Rather than trying to get him to change or waiting for him to come around, try focusing on you and why you’re in a relationship with someone like this.  If you find yourself in this type of relationship often, which many of us do, it’s time for some real soul searching to get to the root of it.

If you have access to good counseling, take advantage of it, as many times this is the only way to true healing. And it will be worth it in the long run, to get you past the cycle of toxic relationships so you can move on to the kind of true, sustainable love that you want to attract into your life.

Sometimes it’s hard to see when we’re in it, but know that if you’re settling for less than you deserve, there truly is someone out there ready and waiting to give you what you’re looking for – and to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

It’s in believing in ourselves, trusting our gut instincts and discovering who we really are and what we’re really looking for, that all the other pieces of the puzzle fall into place and we find ourselves finally getting it right and discovering the love of our lives – the one who doesn't come with any red flags.

And you deserve nothing less than that, no matter where you've been or what you've been through.

It’s all out there waiting for you!

Comments

  1. tara says

    oh jane... i agree with all these warning signs!! esp 10. there's no such thing as a "platonic friendship" after the age of 10! and that's something i made very clear to all my boyfriends (i said all like i've had 15 when it's a total of 2 serious ones! haha ) and as far as my own single male friends... well i lied and told my boyfriends at the time that they were gay... so this way they would be okay with us hanging out!
    ^ i've grown up a lot since then^ 😉

    • melissa says

      Not necessarily true. I have tons of platonic guy friends, but out of respect for my relationship with my husband, I would never see them without him. Even though my husband and I are separated for many of the above reasons while he sorts things out, I would not want to cause him the insecurity in me that he causes.

      • Jess says

        I have tons of platonic guy friends, too, sorry. I'm a musician/singer and the vast majority of the folks I've worked with over the years have been male. Also grew up in a neighborhood that was pretty much dominated by males (there were only two females, me and one other neighbor) so most of my oldest/dearest friends from childhood are guys.

  2. The Love Doctor says

    Jane, this is an EXCELLENT list! If more women would TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS, they would not waste weeks, months, years, or in some cases decades of their lives. Regardless of what men say, men SHOW us exactly how they feel about us. I've found that if a woman ever has to ask herself if she is in a relationship OR if the man is even into her, he's not.

  3. Bobbi says

    Jane,
    this is the most wonderful blog I have found. I am at that point of #14- "What is wrong with me"... Its Christmas, I am going to be alone. I guess I will just have to get through it, and move on.
    Bobbi

    • Jane says

      Thanks for your kind words, Bobbi. Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year to be single, especially when it's seems like everyone else has someone and seems to have some kind of magic in them that you find yourself wondering what is wrong with you. I wrote a post about how to get through this during the holidays especially that you may find comforting. Know that you are so not alone, and that having been there myself so many holiday seasons, I can honestly that it is better to be alone during this time than with the someone who may be there physically, but isn't there in that emotionally committed way that is really what we all long for.

  4. SEMA says

    Some men think that 'they are the GOD GIFTED for the women'' and I understand if they are,
    1-DROP DEAD GORGEOUS + NICE PERSONALITY
    2-İNTELLEGENT
    3-WELL EDUCATED
    4-RICH AND ARISTOCRAT
    5-SOPHISTICATED
    If they have these qualıties, FINE, I can understan that they are the GOD GIFTED for the women;-) and I would say 'HE HAS A RIGHT TO THİNK THAT, HE IS THE GIFT TO ME'' BUT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE THESE FIVE QUALITIES, THEN HE HAS TO KNOW HIS PLACE..

    • Jane says

      And even with all that, Sema, if he doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then none of that really matters.

  5. says

    Hi Jane!
    First time here, read a couple of blog posts... And had to stop and congratulate you + THANK YOU! I love the way you write + communicate + express what is really important when it comes to getting true love... Will read more + your story of success! Cheers!

  6. Denise says

    Jane,

    Thank you so much for your articles. These are the numbers that I link myself and my relationship to above:
    2, 5, 10, 11, 12, 14. So I know I really have to move on with my life and this has been going on for quite a long time with my son's father!
    I really love him but I won't sit back and let him hurt me anymore. I am going to do me from now on and I mean it.

    Thank you so much, you're a darling Jane!

    • Jane says

      It's so hard when you love someone like this, Denise, and yet the reality is that they don't feel the same way that you do. And when you so want them to. You deserve so much more than this! Take it in baby steps. Don't be hard on yourself for how long you've stayed or what you might have done differently. Today is a new day, and tomorrow will be too. It's never too late to start anew, again and again and again; you deserve everything wonderful that love and life have to offer, Denise.

      And you don't ever deserve to be hurt like this; love is about being loved, not being hurt. You can do this. One very tiny baby step at a time. You deserve nothing less than a love that loves you back every bit as much as the love that you give. You have so much to offer, so much to give, and there will be someone else who will see exactly this.

  7. LuvlyT says

    You have described it so well! And it is all SO true! As I have gotten older I have realized the games that were played and the signs that I missed. I can related to each and every single example you have posted. This is definatly a single girls guide and Bible of things to look for!
    Well said!

    37 yr old happily married mom of 3 :)

    • Jane says

      Thanks for your feedback, LuvlyT; I appreciate your words that can only come from the experience of having been there in the first place. :-)

  8. angel says

    Jane,

    i've been through a lot of relationships before but it didn't work out well..i became more needy and needy..it seems that its not good for me..i didn't understand myself why i became like this, so much needy and became more emotional, lots of FEARS..that's why my last relationship doesn't work out well either..i fall into his trap.. i don't know how to start a relationship and i don't know how to handle a relationship either..the biggest thing is that I DON'T KNOW MYSELF..for ten years my heart is full of hurts, i don't know what i'm going to do for myself, i wanted to start a new me, of who i was before.. no real guys would love to commit me. i kept attracting the wrong guys..at first they were good..later on they changed and then i fell into their trap that's why i kept on hurting myself, lots of confusions, my self-esteem were very low, my confidence were gone..almost about myself were gone..i want to go back of who i was before..the confidence and my self worth is there.. please help me to understand myself i need some advice. thank you..hope to hear you soon.

    • Jane says

      Your confidence and self-esteem are still there, Angel! It's a journey to know yourself, to find out who you really are - especially when you've gotten so used to being what everyone else has wanted you to be and you've gotten so used to living for everyone else except yourself. Know that this neediness, the strong emotions, the fears - these are all what we take on when we live in the place of what we believe someone else expects of us rather than living in the light of who we truly are! Of course we feel needy when we've been with ones who have left us; of course we feel fearful when we've been with ones who've left us after we opened our hearts to them and fell in love with the idea of them and all their potential - even if we were the only ones who could see it.

      It all makes sense, so many of the issues we think we have if we see them as a result of what we've surrounded ourselves with. But you are not your past, Angel. You are not these things! You don't have to be needy if you can see the reality that you never have a need for someone who isn't right for you, who isn't on your page, no matter how great he seems. You don't have to be fearful if you can see the reality that there is enough of everything to go around - including men, including love - if you're not restricted to the cultural and media's view of love and what it takes to be worthy of love. If you don't know how to start a relationship or how to be in one, then wait until one comes along that naturally happens and you will know that you're with someone different.

      It's a journey, Angel. It doesn't happen overnight, but the best way to start is by going easy on yourself, learning to love yourself, to accept yourself for all that you are, and by not giving yourself away to someone who isn't deserving of you!

      Start each day by writing out a list of of everything that you are, everything that you have to offer and every right you have simply by being you, and then pick something to do everyday that makes you feel special, that increases your confidence in your gifts, your talents, your hobbies, your passions and reminds you that there is so much more to life than living settling for anyone else's terms! You can do this, Angel. One small step at a time.

  9. angel says

    thank you so much, Jane..at this moment of my life i'm working for it, i do hope it will come out as what i wanted to be, a real person of me, not the one that i used to think that it was me.

    • Jane says

      You're so welcome, Angel. She's right there, the real you, just waiting to show you all that she is and all that she can do!

      • Elle Martin says

        Hi Jane and Angel! I'm trying to find out which one would describe myself.. Angel you just hit it here and would love to hear how did it go with Jane's advice and how you're doing lately? Thanks!..elle

  10. Kathleen says

    Jane, I just broke up with someone who I really was crazy about, but he just was hitting many of the areas on your list. The ones that really resonated were him still having his life and having no idea where he was and what he was doing. He was always pretty vague and with his feelings too. I have been sad but also working on me because I realize that I do not want to settle for less than feeling love, nor do I want to devalue myself. It does not matter if you miss the person if they never really "saw" you to begin with. You really get to the heart of the matter and say some true and healing words to women on the mend.

    • Jane says

      "It doesn't matter if you miss the person if they never really "saw" you to begin with." Love how you put this, Kathleen; it's so very true.

      We miss someone but we eventually discover we really didn't know them as well as we thought we did and they didn't really know us in the way that matters. We usually miss the idea of them more than the reality of them. The fantasy we create in our minds of what could be, if only they were everything we think they could be. That potential again.

      Thanks for your kind words, Kathleen; I had to learn so much of this the hard way so your words take me back to a different time in my life as well.

  11. Wen says

    Hi Jane. We sms every night. and call each other 3 times a day. but meanwhile he always forgot when he promise to call me. And he had rules about how often we will meet, only once in a week! I am angry about this, but how can a girl tell a guy that i want to see you, the guy should take initiation. He always say he is busy and he spent most of his time and efforts in the company. And he will tell some bad jokes about love which made me very sick. But when we r together, he is very gentleman, and he is doing charity. In a word, he hit most of the 14 warnings in half time, and meanwhile doing sth opposite to these warnings in another half time. Making me headache yaaaaaaa!

    • Jane says

      I so hear where you're coming from Wen, that sound that we utter when we get so tired of trying to figure him out, to change something about him to make it all that it could be. If only ... we say.

      Tell him by your actions, Wen; they say so much more than your words alone. It's all about deciding for yourself what you can and can't live with, whether these inconsistencies in his behavior are dealbreakers or not. Only you know what he means to you, what being with him is worth to you. He's clearly defined his own terms of the relationship, now it's up to you to raise the bar and set the standard for how you are willing to be treated!

      Remember that you are in control here, my beautiful friend, even if it doesn't feel that way; you are!

  12. Renee says

    I found your website while looking for ways to comfort and guide my 16 year old daughter through her first heartbreak - have you considered a book for teens on dating. I have tried to give her some advice but I am worried that I am mixing my emotions into the equation - I know logically that my heartbreak at her age is not the same as hers but why do I feel such strong emotions about what she is going through

    • Jane says

      Her feelings - and what she's going through - are probably triggering some old long-forgotten familiar feelings in you, Renee. It makes sense, since we store so many memories in our minds even if we don't recall them all until something triggers us that brings it all back. Try to listen, to really validate her feelings, to be there for her by your presence, more than anything you might try to say to her. What she needs more than anything else is to be heard - to feel heard - and to know that someone is there for her. More than anything you can say to her, it's this that will help her the most. Know that you can't fix it, you can't make it all better no matter how much you want to. You can also direct her to my posts about rejection and heartbreak when she's ready to hear something that might help her know she's not alone in what she's going through, and there is another way of looking at this.

      As for these emotions that are coming up for you, I have found journalling -writing out my feelings - to be one of the most therapeutic exercises in healing. If you haven't already, start a journal, and write out everything that's coming up for you. Remember that this is her experience, and as you've wisely realized, it can be all too easy to bring our own emotions and feelings into the picture, so remind yourself that this is her time, and yours can be on paper or through a conversation with a supportive friend at another time.

      Writing a book for teen girls - a life stage that is very near and dear to my own heart - is a project I have my eye on down the road, so it's interesting you mention this. It's beautiful that she has you, Renee, and that you want to help her like this. :)

  13. Laura says

    Hi, I'm having serious relationship problems. I don't quite think my boyfriend meets anything on this list but man am I ever confused! Every so often in my relationship I fear that maybe we want different lives and that it would be best to seperate...but we both love each other very much and want to make it work
    I hate how easy it is for people nowadays to just end it. Simple. I don't want to give up what we have, we've already shared so much. So how the heck am I supposed to know If we CAN work it out or if it's just not meant to be.
    It's entirely possible that I overthink EVERYTHING.

    Thanks for your time!

    • Jane says

      Keep living your own life and focusing on you, Laura. We sometimes get caught up in overthinking when we're led more by our culture and the media and our inherent belief systems that tell us what love and relationships "should" be like, rather than listening to our own hearts and minds. When we shift the focus to ourselves and creating our own full lives, filling our own cups full of the things and people that bring us happiness, what someone else does or doesn't do becomes less important as our lives on the whole and how we live them.

      Time will always reveal if you're both on the same page and want the same thing in your relationship. If two people are meant to be together, they will be together but only if they both want the same thing with each each and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You'll know, Laura. Trust yourself, over time, as you're being yourself and living your own life, everything will become more clear. It's only not meant to be if someone doesn't want it to be. It's always a choice - for both of you.

  14. Shazia Ashraffi says

    I've been dating a guy for past 3yrs, had been doing everything possible to keep both of us happy
    But from last 4-5 months its not been the same whenever we had a fight its mostly me who has to call back n make up he never calls.. after a fight hardly 2-3 times he must have but every Sunday he spends with me even if he has any family time planned he still makes at least an hour for me but Sunday after a fight he doesn't show up
    He has introduced me to his family just with in a month , when we started dating he is a typical Muslim therefore he restricts a few things where free mixing of people otherwise he always says yes
    He takes my stand in front of his family and he buys gifts but 70% of the time he never keeps up his promises very forgetful I call him everyday 40-50 times and he answers my calls always even if he is in the meeting with boss or seminars he picks my call but doesn't talk in these situations every time we start talking at least 30 mins call
    But he upset very easily the way of thinking is similar but he find me tomboy and expects me to be more girly which I even try but... its difficult his family is very Orthodox whereas I'm not so he feels I'm a miss match to his family
    So whenever we fight since I'm little more educated than him he says" why are you stuck up with me I'm not suitable enough you can find a more educated guy than me...'"
    Any day he Is not able to give me enough time he apologizes for it

    He is very sweet and loving but when we fight he disconnects the call he says when he is angry he prefers to stay silent than dragging the issue ... and I still keep calling and after 6-10 calls back to back we make up
    Every morning I go to his house before going to work and the day I take leave he pass by my house can calls out
    My parents are unaware of this and he tries to fulfill all my needs
    But I don't give him enough time some times
    Every vacation I up till late night or awake all nite end up sleeping in morning and wake up at 1or 2 in afternoon he gets very upset and angry for this + that I didn't calls all this while

    • Jane says

      "he still makes at least an hour for me"
      "but 70% of the time he never keeps up his promises"
      "I call him everyday 40-50 times"
      "but he find me tomboy and expects me to be more girly which I even try"
      "he says" why are you stuck up with me I'm not suitable enough you can find a more educated guy than me...'"
      "But I don't give him enough time some times"

      Reread what you wrote here, Shazia; I've pulled just a few of your words that stood out as I was reading this. It sounds like you're forgetting that you're always the one doing the choosing, not him. If you have to try to be something you're not, if you're chasing him and he's still feeling like you don't give him enough, this sounds very one-sided from here. When you use phrases like "he still makes at least an hour for me", it sounds like you're surprised someone gives you this much of their time. But when you're with someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same thing you do with you and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, they don't just make time for you, they actually want to be with you and spend time with you and talk to you and make plans with you and be with you. Only you know how much of this is cultural, but regardless of what is going on with him, you deserve to be loved for who you are by someone who is truly compatible with you. You're clearly finding out what his terms are by his behavior and actions with you, my question for you is do you know what your own terms are?

  15. Shazia Ashraffi says

    I'm very confused he keeps saying leave me and go disconnect the call don't talk to me etc when we fight but I still keep calling and he answers my call at the fourth time and says what now why u troubling and when I ask him is okay okay if I break up with u he says your wish and he never says go ahead and break up after continuously fightingiI suddenly tell him I Love you to this he says why are you telling this now you wanted to break up na
    And then he says I love you more than a hundred times and I reply too

    Why I get confused is when he happy he is a complete different person and when he is angry I feel he is a complete different man

    When there is no one at his place and he plan a date at his place he make lunch and also feeds me and I feed him tooiI specially make lunch for him n give him on 26 may 2014 I had a fight with him coz he had lot of porn in his phone for which he said I don't even watch it those are just what's app videos my friends sent but I still don't believe he called me 15 times after that I didn't answer his calls because his he told break up and let me free so for a change I disconnected the phone and I be not been talking to his since then
    So he mged say even u talk non sense I didn't mean it
    Along with a stupid video where a call keeps changing her boyfriends every time she finds a richer person

    See this vedio I got very furious n mged him if I was also of such character I would have been happily married long back to a rich dog...

    And after this mg I think he is too upset he didn't call back nor did I

    Its been 2days now I'm missing him I guess he is missing to..

    I'm not sure if I should call him this time...

    And I feel he loves me more than me...

    Every time we are together be it with his family or just us he always gazes at me...
    With a smile
    I love him...

    • Jane says

      Actions always say so much more than words, Shazia; it's up to you to decide what you can live with and what you can't with someone who has two very different sides to him.

    • Jane says

      There's something about writing it all out that is so therapeutic, Shazia; write as much as you need to :)

  16. Shazia Ashraffi says

    Should I wait for him Jane or should I take the first step to reconcile
    As I know my last mg was heart breaking for him...

  17. Elaine says

    Hey Jane 😀 it's my first time reading on your blog and I got to say u did a very clear and understanding list there! I'm personally facing problem with this one guy I'm with at the moment.. I gave him the sun and the moon I loved him regardless.. I could just ignore his flaws and his selfish attitude.. he's always giving time to his friends and he never really gave much time to me. We are in a LDR currently and it's been 1 year and 2 months to be exact. I've been always trying to tolerate him and I don't keep secrets with him as well. I tell him what's going on in my life and I always try to spend time with him when I get to. But he doesn't even put a slight single effort in the whole relationship. I get tired sometimes and as I get fed up I tends to get a bit emotional but I'm pretty good at restraining them as he doesn't like when I'm emotional, so I'm always restraining myself. Yesterday we had a chat and I requested to Skype him and watch some movies with him. But he gave me the same answer he gave me last year.. I was so hurt I felt like all the effort and understanding I gave him last year was effortless. I got hurt and I just told him to think about things and answer me if we should even be together anymore. I love him a lot and I really did do everything just to make him happy.. I spent money on him as well when he told me he always wanted certain stuff I always bear them in my and save up to buy him one. But yeah last night he told me he don't get why I'm so crazy in love with him.. I don't really know what to do and I stumble upon ur blog and I'm amazed 😀 I be referring to ur blog a lot more from now on ^-^ thanks once again to I Jane for the wonderful post and others for the great feedbacks 😀 made me feel that I'm not alone :)

    • Jane says

      I'm so glad this helped with where you're at and knowing you're not alone, Elaine. That's half the battle! Welcome! :)

  18. Lina says

    Hi Jane,
    Thanks so much for what you write. It helps me a lot. He was trying to a pproached me since 2012 and
    he was very sweet. To be honest I didn't realise that he had interest in me. Until few months ago, everything became clear and I started to fell in love with him.
    But without any reason, these last 1month suddenly he just pulles himself and left all the puzzle behind.
    I was really confused and hurt. But after analysing our relationship, there were certain vagueness that I just notice.
    Thanks Jane, ..i have sorted out my feeling. I feel a bit better....

    • Jane says

      I'm so glad these are helping you, Lina, and that you're seeing the vagueness that can be so hard to see at the time. Be so glad you found this out early, before you spent any more time and energy invested in someone who wasn't on the same page as you. You deserve so much more!

    • Joan says

      Hello I'm Joan, I am responding, because I you used the word vagueness. That is the word that I have been using to my manfiend for some time..he is vague on things nd o I ask him other questions then he says he is tired cause he worked so hard and wants to sleep..what has happened is that I fel bad about asking him questions n i stopped asking him about things I world like to know..we are still together but I am not really happy..

  19. Ree says

    Hi Jane,

    Number 1 and 2, and other similar issues apply to my relationship and I've always been troubled by them. I'm torn between feeling that I'm most important to him through some of his actions and debating whether I'm truly his priority through his other actions. I know that he spends most of his free time with me but I feel hurt in times when he would prefer to have time to himself. I often do wonder if I have insecurity issues as I like to know where he is at all times. I do not ask but expect him to let me know if he is going to be somewhere other than work or home, but sometimes he does not do this and it makes me feel insecure as if I dont know anything about him, even though in my heart I know that he is commited to me. I feel like these things are only in my head one moment, but the next I am afraid that my insecurities are substantiated. I can tell a good relationship from a bad one but is so much more difficult to judge when I am currently involved in the relationship!

    • Jane says

      You're not alone, Ree; it is always more difficult to see things clearly when we are so emotionally invested in a relationship! When we put someone up on a pedestal - often without even realizing we're even doing this - our insecurities can run rampant. When we take a step back and remember what we bring to the table, what we have to offer, when we remember that we're doing the choosing, we shift the power back to ourselves - so we can let him be him just as we remain true to ourselves. It's when we have that mindset that we're able to watch and observe without needing to control or make something happen so that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't make or break us. Trust that if the two of you are on the same page and want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, it will! That's the only kind of relationship you want - and deserve.

  20. ANNA says

    DEAR JANE
    I APPRECIATE MOST YOUR ARTICLES AND I JUST WANTED TO HEAR YOUR ADVICE ON WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. I was only with this guy for 2 months that I met off a dating website. I knew he was in the process of having twins in the beginning.so basically I knew he had of baby mother that was about to give birth to twins.the relationship started off fast and he came to see me about 4 days a week or more. We got along perfectly and we had good times together. What had happened was I got upset because he never told the baby mother about me even though it was 2 months and I'm not sure if I was soon or not but i felt like she should know since he was spending so much time with me. Wednesday I went through his phone and I found that they were having a conversation and she was telling him that she loved him and when is he going to come see the kids.this was a few days after she gave birth he was down there at the hospital for about 4 days. So he had told me she had no way of talking to on the cell phone when it went through his phone I found the he was talking to her via text.that was a red flag to me which also was a red flag is that she was telling him that he she loved him and he was saying the same thing to her and it wasn't adding up to me.he had her thinking he was in the mountains for a few days.she asked are you going to be coming to see the kids soon . Long story short I'm still here thinking about him he hasn't called me in almost 4 weeks and Here I am still thinking about him wondering why he hasn't tried to chase me or get me back. Every guy that I have been with and that has done me wrong is trying to get me back in some type of way in a way it gives me some sort of power if you wiEvery guy that I have been with and that has done me wrong is trying to get me back in some type of way in a way it gives me some sort of power if you will. I feel guilty for some reason I feel guilty because I feel like I missed out on something good.but I think that's just my loneliness talking.I just wanna know why he hasn't tried to get me back because he was in the wrong.I'm sure the answer you're going to give me is that he's moved on and that's why he hasn't tried calling me.who knows maybe he's actually became a father now. when I sit here and think about it: I'm only 22 years old and I dont think im ready to be in a relationship with somebody that had kids with somebody and have to lie to me and the baby mother about what's going on. his excuse for lyingwas he didn't want it to coming between him seeing the kids. I hope you can give me some sort of insight on this I appreciate your advice thank you

    • Jane says

      "I'm sure the answer you're going to give me is that he's moved on and that's why he hasn't tried calling me.who knows maybe he's actually became a father now. when I sit here and think about it: I'm only 22 years old and I dont think im ready to be in a relationship with somebody that had kids with somebody and have to lie to me and the baby mother about what's going on." - Exactly, Anna. And the best advice of all? Don't ever become involved with someone who still belongs to someone else, who's in the process of becoming a father to someone else's children, or confused about whether he wants to be with the mother of his child or children. There's never anything good that can come out of this type of situation except a lot of pain and heartbreak for everyone involved, and especially the innocent children.

      Refuse to become involved with men like this, and you'll find that you'll never be wondering if you're "missing out on out on something good" that's meant for you - and right for you, Anna. Love is never complicated when it's between two people who on the same page to begin with, who want the same thing with each other, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You have your whole life ahead of you! Take your time to truly get to know someone and see if he's truly worthy of you - not the other way around.

      We all have regrets, Anna, we all have things we want to change about our pasts, but it's never too late to start fresh, to begin anew to live in a way that you can live with yourself and let go of the guilt, the blame and the shame that so often keeps us doing the same things over and over again. Today is always a new day!

  21. Christina says

    Hi Jane
    I was hoping for a little insight into some hard choices ahead of me. First of all I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, I have never seen a guy treat a girl as well as he treats me and in 3 years we have not had a single fight. It has always been so very easy for us to be together. BUT after 3 years he is showing zero signs of wanting to make a life together, or movie our relationship to the next level. I see him 3 days a week exactly always the same 3 days, and I have never been invited over to his apartment( I am a single mom and it is more convenient for him to visit me then me him as he lives on the other side of town and neither of us has a car... but still).

    He has always been up front with me in that he likes to take his time and when we started dating this suited me fine as my last relationship ended badly and I too wanted to go slow. I have though made it clear to him that ultimately I do want to get married that it's something important to me. I do not expect for it to happen tomorrow or anything like that but it would be nice if he seemed interested in even having that conversation ( I have brought it up once or twice over the past 3 years to make sure he understood how I felt and to see if I could get some idea where he was in regards to a real commitment) So although I have had a hard time swallowing that he still has no interest or motivation to be more then just a casual boyfriend I was willing to give him all the time he needed.

    Recently however he was invited to a wedding and I know I was included in this invitation... he did not extend that invitation to me. He is now at the wedding (it's in another city) and I am hurt and angry and not sure what to make of this. I have met both his mother and father and his sibling (only a handful of times but he does not see them all that much either) in the past and this would have been one of the very few chances I would get the chance to meet his extended family and get to know his father better (he lives very far away) I was trying very hard to not let it bother me so as not to be a clingy girlfriend but have conceded that just because I don't think it should be upsetting, does not change the fact that it is upsetting. Basically I am not sure what to think anymore about the relationship I am in and am worried that he is "just not that into me" anymore.
    Thanks
    Christina

  22. christie says

    I've been in a relationship for dix years snd he was maddly in love with me but we starting fighting alot because he started talking to other girls he now tells me he not in love with me anymore but he scared to loss me I love him but I don't know what to do he wants to try again but then he says he confused what should I do

    • fedup says

      I pray you dumped that guy. I went through the same around august. he is stringing you along. The guy was stringing me along to after the 6 month. he only got involved with you on a serious level, to have sex the way he wants. Now he is full from it, and want to move on. Trust me I been though it. Leave him and go straight to clinic.

  23. kim says

    Hi Jane,I have been dating a guy for 2months.he has never told me he loves me.but any time he feels horny that is the only time he calls me to come over @ his house,afta having sex dats all.its kip goin on for 2months.he's never told me about himself that much.and alwys tell me to stay in d bedroom anytime he's friends comes around....I was so scared of leaving him cos I love him verymuch but I cudnt get d love and friendship I needed from him.anytime I try talkin about how he's been treating me,he would tell me I have to wait that he's just tryin to recover from his past r/ship,even when I told him to take son time off to get healed emotionally.he said no.I couldn't bear it anymore so I called it quit today,but OK still feel hurt cos I still love him and I Don't know how to get over him.pls help me!

    • Jane says

      Ask yourself what exactly it is you love about this guy, Kim, who only calls you when he wants sex and has you stay in the bedroom when his friends come around. How are you ok with this? Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this? Of course you couldn't bear it anymore! Focus on you, on why you put up with this kind of treatment of you for so long and who he represents to you. You deserve so much more than this, and in time, you will have moved on to a place where you can so clearly see this, too.

      • Hannah says

        hey kim Im a 15 year old girl i am crazy and outgoing and funny i have a crush on this guy who is sporty quiet and shy he never liked anyone before also a Straight A student . i met him the first day of this school year he sat by me :) and i said hi and a couple of days later i flirt with him people started to think i like him so i descided to tell him when i did he blushed to a red and he is not white he is a puertorican tone and well he said i was rly pretty and pretty to alot of people and he would blush when im mentioned in the convo but then i hear he says he didnt like me well doesnt like me or anyone so i stop talking to him for weeks only when i had too i apologized bc i felt like i was rushing he said noo its okay! and yeah i stopped talking to him and he started to stare at me and look at me and stare for atleast a min when i laughed ! I caught him a couple of times and i smiled and he smiled back and others he turned his head . he mentioned me when a girl and his sister asked who he liked he said i was just a friend and then now a guy friend says he called two other girls pretty and the other of the two cute . and when i descided to talk to him he would play with desk drawers and move his chair back n forth and ask me questions and smile then some days he wont even pay attention to me he gets headaches bc he fell 25 ft people tell me thats y and now i talk to him and he gets nervous alittle i get NERVOUS and say stupid stuff at the beginning my heart is like beating fast ... and he would laugh and smile when he talks to and he would still stare at me too i am soo confused on if he likes me or not ... help me ?

  24. dakun says

    Hi Jane, glad that I come here.. I think I have problem similar with number 5. We have known each other online for 1.5 month, and the distance between us is just an hour of train. I really value honesty and he is aware of that. So I am a really open girl.. I tell him many information.. He seems really interesting of me, and even said have been praying for me since we first met online.. he seems wise and adult. The problem is he really cant open up.. Until know we are communicating by emails, he only give details about his first name, his job (but not the office name), and a pic (which given just last week 1 month 1 week after we met, which I have asked before but I was rejected said he isnt comfortable yet). He never give me phone number until now, but I have given my number long way before. He give me nickname Sweet and always picture a future with me, give me song like Mirrors and Because of you, saying he wont let go of me. He seems mature, but his actions kind of confusing me. He once told me in the beginning that he cant trust someone easily.. and we still communicating by email, he even once said will add me to have convo in messenger but it hasnt yet happened. I am now ask him to stop contacting me for several days, as I need to contemplate, he give me space, but he doesnt know this is all about him. I am confused how can you say to someone that you really love him but dont want to open up? He said he will definitely tell story about him or his family, but until now I now nothing. Btw, next week I will have bday and he know that. Should I wait to know what he will probably do? Or should I just turn atound and run right now? He is really sweet really, we have surprisingly many common interets and hobby.. also interest in christianity.. I really like him, but to be hanged like this, where he may feel comfortable while Im not is just a little too much.

    • Jane says

      So you're finding out what he's like, Dakun, and what he's comfortable with and what he's not. Does this work for you? That's the question to ask yourself. It's never about the details we think it is; it's about the bigger picture of whether or not you can live with him like this right now, assuming he's not going to drastically change his comfort level here. Two people on the same page about the things that matter is what a healthy relationship requires. Don't wait around to see what he does or doesn't do; live your life without worrying about him or what he's going to do. Celebrate your own birthday with someone who wants to make plans with you and doesn't leave you wondering whether they're going to remember that it's even your birthday. When we set ourselves up for disappointment by having unrealistic expectations that someone doesn't even know they're supposed to live up to, you only hurt yourself. Because you're the only one who knows what you can live with, what you need to be happy, and what your dealbreakers are. Be true to yourself and everything else will fall into place and become clear for you, not what anyone else thinks you should be, because they're not you.

  25. anna says

    I wrote you previously on here and I have another question and need some of your advice I hope this may reach you. I recently saw my ex, although I told myself I did not want to be with him again and it helped the loneliness. I refused to be intimate with him but he stayed the night. He held me though out the night and kissed me on my neck and when I reached over to kissed him close to his mouth. He rejected me with a comment and said dont kiss me on my mouth when you have been with others guys and did this and that with them. He has no proof that I have been with other guys. It hurt me when he said this and it didnt add up, I became hurt and angry and told him to leave and I dont want to see him ever again. He went to his car and came back up asking to talk to me and hold me. I didnt want to hear it , he said thats how he feels. How can you say i am your baby and hold me and caress me but a kiss on the mouth is too much? He said he doesnt kiss any *bitches* on the mouth. Yet when were together before a lot of things happened that went way beyond the sentence he made. I didnt undertstand. So my question is what do you think is really going on with this persons mind? why would he drive an hour to see me and we left on bad terms once again. It hurts me so much because I enjoyed him holding me and for a minute I thought his feelings were real.

    Hope to hear back from you,

    Anna

    • Jane says

      You can put all your time and energy into wondering what's going on with him and why he does what he's doing, or you can ask yourself how this feels to you. Is this what you want? Is this what you're looking for? Only you know what you can live with and what you can't, Anna. I know I say this so much but it really is true. No one else can know what he's worth to you, what overlooking what you want is worth to you in exchange for what he gives you. When you decide that for yourself, when you can answer those questions that tell you so much, you'll know so much more clearly whether you want to play this game with him or not, or whether it's time to get off this roller coaster. Trust yourself; you always know.

  26. Ashley says

    Im going thru this with a crush who I thought I had a chance with he said he liked me to but also told me that theres other girls that like him that hurted me and I can get any guy I want but I tend to try to stick around him..he told me he going thru alot...i kind of think he lying cause he always online talking to somebody smh im letting go slowly its hard tho

  27. paula says

    the same thing happened to me 7 years ago i was in a relationship with a guy and i loved him at the time. he done all of the above every single one of them in fact when i think about it now i never really knew him. so we finished the relationship but for a few months we stayed in contact after that the messages seemed to sizzle out. i changed my number and 7 years later this year Monday the 22nd 3 days before Christmas eve he turns up at my door with a card and he had the cheek to put his mobile number in it too. you think its a joke nope it actually happened now were texting each other as he says he wants another try at our relationship. 7 years later but what i'm trying to figure out is why that long to come back and what does he want? or what are his motives if you could help id be grateful thank you :)

    • Jane says

      You can take the direct approach and ask him directly, or you can proceed with caution and let time tell; whatever you're most comfortable with is what matters. A lot can happen in 7 years and with your history, you certainly have every right to know who he is now and why he's arrived at your door. Regardless of what he says, take it slow and let his actions say more than his words. Don't get so caught up in the fantasy of him coming back after all this time that you forget to let him show you that he's on the same page as you!

      • paula says

        thank you Jane for you're advice. i have asked him but he never seems to give me a convincing answer but i was thinking about taking it slower this time around with him and see what happens but thank you again so much and happy new year hope you have a great 2015 :)

        • Jane says

          Then you have your answer in his unconvincing answer, Paula. See if that tells you more than what you really need to know. It's when you take it slow, taking your time, that you find out what's really there beyond any words he could say. I wish you all the best for a beautiful Happy New Year, too!

  28. Tara says

    Hello Jane,

    I have a question and I've been really struggling with this situation and I'm looking for some advice. I'm 20 years old and my boyfriend and I (same age) have been dating for 10 months now. He is my other half, but recently we had just spent 4 straight days together (including me sleeping over etc.) and so now he is at his home and I'm at my own...which is completely understandable, we're both just taking some time for ourselves. Anyways, yesterday night he went out with his buddies which is obviously fine, but his plans for tonight are what's bothering me. He is hanging out with a group of friends (most of them female, in fact I don't even think there's going to be any males) and yes he is very trustworthy so I do trust him, it's those other girls that I don't trust. The reason I found out about his plans with them for tonight though was because two days ago while driving me home, I had told him I would call him on (said night) to discuss new years plans, and then he told me about how he's going out on said night to drink with his friends (all those girls) who are his very close high school theatre friends. He added in quickly that I could come if I wanted, but he never brought it up again, and it wasn't discussed further so I don't feel welcome. What really frustrates me is that I KNOW that he would feel a little discomforted by me going out with a group of my guy theatre best friends but in the past I've made sure to tell him that it's all platonic and he's actually met them a couple of times, because I brought him along to those events, but what really bothers me is that I've only ever met two of the girls ONCE and it was just a quick introduction. His ex cheated on him horribly, and he always says that he would never do anything to hurt me, but what also worries me is the fact that the only reason I was able to find out about him going out with these girls is because I said I would call him to discuss new years plans that night. This entire post sounds so incredibly clingy, and I'm owning up to that but I'm just generally uncomfortable with him going out with a group of girls alone. I've been out with him and his high school guy friends before and some of the girls showed up (I don't think they were the theatre girls) but one of them was flirting with him right in front of me. In fact, his buddy who is now also a good friend of mine was like, "That girl is totally hitting on him, do something!" I've also seen pictures of him and this girl (from before me and him started dating) who is going to be there tonight and they've looked very cuddly in the photos, and he's told me before that she's a family friend but it makes me very uncomfortable, especially since he rarely tells me anything about her...the only thing I know is that she has a "boyfriend now" in the words of my boyfriend. If anything that should make me feel better, but it doesn't because I just don't understand why he doesn't want me there.
    Thanks so much for your help.

  29. s says

    Hi Jane

    Can I ask a question

    I broke up with ex partner 16 months ago by him cheating well I met someone else and I think I'm completely in love with him. Only problem is its really complicated we was seeing each other for about 3 months he don't live where I am but he was working here anyway it was great for the 1st 3 months then he stop working down here and he only ring and text me when he was at work in day time when it used to be every night on weekday he has an ex partner that he live with they have children together but he saying there not together no more he only there to support her got she got dispersion and wouldn't cope with the kids. We didn't speak for like 6 months and he rings me again coz he down here I just dunno what to do as I'm madly in love with him after everything with my ex I trusted him and everything but now I dunno what to do he don't know that I love him I'm scared of telling me as it's not ment to be relationship just a bit of fun but now he telling me that he really misses me I dunno what to do I don't want get hurt again.

    Thanks x

  30. mehmeh says

    Hello Jane!! I enjoyed reading your article and it really helped us a lot specially girls who are going through a tough times in a realtionship...Just like me.
    I meet a guy bon a dating site back 2012 of course at first I didnt mind him coz i am in a relationship that time..but he still kept on messaging me sept and oct....I still ignored him..Until me and my man broke up..after 6 mos..he contacted me again...and that was the time that i entertained here..everything went well for us..We emailed and messages each other at fb..We did naughty things coz he likes it..I liked being naughty with him too..we were very happy we had fun..he even told me to come to our country and meet me..of course i dont believe him..we have shared dirty talk..until one day after 3 mos.. He became cold..he talked less so i decided to cut it off..I deleted him in all my acct. Recently, after 1 year..last dec. He just popped up, he add me on fb..he even told me he missed me and hes been looking for me..I dont know but i also missed him..so we back together..I knoe there is a strong connection for both of us, but for one mos. We had a fight, misunderstood but we still find a way to settle it before the day end..he even told me how happy he was when hes with me..he loved me and i also loved him and cared him so much..all i want is to make him happy..there were times when he told me his tired of being kicked and he doesnt deserved it..coz everytime we had a fight i always told him ypu are free to go..He is naughty, playful and teaseful...and sometimes i dont want to do naughtiness and he understands thst..but I know we're serious...We like to keep each other updated..But the thing is recently he told me "something happened ill let you know later" course i am so worried about him i messaged him what happened that I am worried about him but 2days and i still havent got his reply..so i decided to deactivate my fb for 5 days..acoz i just need time to relax and to breath..i dont like worrying abput him..and yesterday, when i reactivated my fb..I saw him online i expect that he will messaged me but surprisingly he deactivated his fb as well..now i couldnt commit or message him...what is happening? What should i do? Should i wait until he open his fb again? Or should i moved on? Btw I also found out that he has another fb.. But it didnt updated. Plesse help me.. We told each other how scared we are to lose each other..he even told me he just want to be happy with me.. I am confused now

    • Jane says

      Glad you enjoyed this one, Mehmeh. I'm always here to help! :) It sounds like you're finding out more about this guy, and that's exactly the point of taking your time to really get to know someone before you make up your mind that he's someone you even want in your life. This is more of who he is, how he handles different situations, the way he chooses to communicate, and what he's comfortable with as far as contact goes - and what he's not.

      Now it's your turn to ask yourself what you think. Does this work for you? Can you live with his terms? Is this what you want? Whatever's happening with him, is always about him, Mehmeh. He's going to do what works for him, what's comfortable for him. Do what gives you the greatest sense of calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets.

      It's in the space you give him that you find out what page he's on by what he does with it - does he move closer to fill in that space? Or does he allow that space to stay and grow even bigger? Let his actions tell you more about who he really is - and then you decide if what that is works for you. You're the one doing the choosing and when you choose you, everything else will fall into place.

  31. Rita says

    Hey Jane!
    I just stumbled upon your article and it's making me think through my life. I've been struggling the past few days with not knowing what to do, and I'd like to share my story. My boyfriend and I have been together for around a year and a half, and when we met he was so interested in me we went on dates for a few months before finally seeing each other exclusively. In the beginning stages he used to promise me things all the time, like dates and flowers, and trips ( he used to live in a different city, which I've always wanted to visit) and he promised to take me the next time he went. To paint a better picture, I myself have very hectic schedule I commute between two states and am constantly busy, he knew this and has always worked with my schedule, with a few complaints here and there. We started bickering very early and over things that were silly, we're both head strong and don't back down, it also did not help with him being not trusting of me, for the longest time he thought I was cheating on him! Granted we had great times too, we went on many trips, had many laughs, Ive met his friends, he's met mine, we know each other's families, but I've always felt he was distant. The first time I was really hurt was when we took a trip to a city I didn't particularly know very well (he did) we ended up having a few drinks and an argument started which ended with him leaving me In the street having to find my way back to the hotel, I never forgot that. Arguing with him always feels like an unfair fight, he's stubborn and does not believe anything is ever his fault it's always me, he makes that clear that if this relationship was to end its because of me. Anyways, fast forward to the end of this past year we had plans for New Years (I was working late and we were going to stay in) he confirmed the plans with me, than two hours later called asking if we could go to a friends party in a town 35 minutes away, I told him I didn't want to go, he got pissy and went by himself,I never got a New Years phone call... Granted I have my own insecurities and I'm working with myself, and I can't blame him for everything I've caused fights as well, and I can't say he's not a nice person, he is and he does care, but when he's upset it's like he can only focus on him and his feelings. I try my hardest to keep him happy, I surprise him with presents, big and small just to make him smile, just to make his day, and I enjoy doing it! Now the last event that shook me up happened a couple of nights ago he was coming over for dinner I spent the whole day preparing and when it came to the last hour before he showed up I realized I forgot to purchase a product, so I called him asking to stop by the store on his way over, he told me why would he want to do that? Getting aggravated I went to the store myself, he called me saying he will be over soon and granted you could tell I was annoyed over the phone, when he showed up the first thing he said to me was you're being an (expletive removed) by giving him an attitude, I got more mad and told him if he wants he can leave he yelled (expletive removed) to me and left, I called ten minutes later saying is this how the night will end be asked for an oppology, I swallowed the whole situation just wanting a nice evening. When he came back the bickering did not stop, and somehow we got on the topic of sacrifices and he looked at me and I quote "I don't make sacrifices? I sacrifice sleeping with other women for you" i didn't comment but another argument broke out he told me I drive him insane I don't listen and that he can't talk to me and left, haven't heard from him since. At this point I don't know what to do, I really love this guy, I've always been there and it just hurts really bad. I don't know what to do with myself.

    • Angel says

      This sounds bad, Rita. A man who verbally abuses you and thinks it's a sacrifice to give up other women is telling you all you need to know. He has gotten used to treating you poorly. Where are your boundaries? You're choosing to stay with a man who leaves you on the street, who changes plans at his leisure even if you disagree and who clearly has no regard for your needs.
      Wake up, sister.
      I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but it has just enfuriated me to read your post. You don't deserve this kind of treatment.
      I wish you strength and clarity to course correct and choose to love yourself more than anyone else.

  32. Sarah says

    I messaged my best friend 2 days ago to tell him I liked him and he never replied :( now I'm stuck in the limbo of 'do I talk to him again or do I wait', but I miss my friend! I wish he'd just tell me no already!!
    Thing is he fits a lot of these - the ones pertaining to punctuality and messaging. He left me all day without word once when he promised to visit me after I had experienced a sudden tragedy...

    But I still have feelings for Hun and we get on so incredibly well when we see each other!
    I'm so confused ;-;

    • Jane says

      oh I hear you, Sarah - nothing quite like the land of limbo. If he's your friend, don't be afraid to tell him what you just told me. That you miss him and you just wish he'd tell you no already. My guess is you're feeling confused because you're feeling his confusion. Do what you need to say or do for you. It's not up to him; you're the one who's got the feelings and just put yourself out there. Do what you need to do for you. If he's truly your best friend, you'll get through this, too.

  33. Meryl says

    I've been dating this guy almost a month and I feel like things are weird I can't read him we go out with a good time but we've hardly had much physical contact. He recently moved back into it excise house due to the terrible injury and I presently have my parents visiting for the season in Florida so we don't have much privacy. The other day we had plans he was in a lot of pain today took a muscle relaxer but didn't contact me until the next day by saying sorry good morning. I told him I had a nice time on our date the other night even though we had some weird things happen he said cool. Can we call me later sometimehe does call me Most times when he says he willsometime but there are two or three other times nothing, I don't know what to make of it

  34. Kay says

    Hi Jane,
    I'm really glad I found your site. I find a lot of it really credible.
    I have a problem now, and I need a second opinion. It's a bit long, so please bare with me.

    I've been friends with this guy for 7 years. Since we were 15 in High school. we're both going on 22 now. I loved him for 4 years in high school, at the time he didn't feel the same. and then when he finally did, I was unavailable in another relationship with whom , I thought at the time, I would have a life with. When he found out I was engaged, he confessed to me his feelings and then after when I got out of that relationship, which turned out to be an abusive one, He pursued me. He came to see me when I told him what happened, and he was a good friend, and was there for me. I rejected him. And then I remembered how much I still cared and I decided to give it a shot-- I still liked him a lot. He's cute and he did cute things that made me smile. He even made the first move to ask me to be his girlfriend, he invited me over to Christmas with his family. We eventually slept together, and started to see each other once a week, since I'm working and in college. I'm busy.

    He's my first boyfriend. I'm his first girlfriend. We've been official a little more than two months and enjoy the time we spend together. I told him I wanted something serious, I told him I don't want to be with someone who will never be serious with me. But he says he trusts me and enjoys what we have and with more time he spends with me the more he will commit, and he says he is serious about this relationship, its just new to him but one thing kept bothering me: He kept saying how much he "cares for me" no matter what happens, "couple or no couple" he'll stick with me through thick or thin, he says that he's not about to give me up, since he finally got the courage to ask me to be his. What does all that mean? He says he loves me, He knows I do, even if I don't say it often. I know he cares, but I'm still unsure. He doesn't call, text, nothing. I have been the one initiating contact, but I recently stopped. I refuse to chase him down, and initiate. I am a queen. You want it? Come get it before it's gone. How do I make him see that? I'm afraid that he just wants me until he finds something better or he just thinks he can't find anybody else. Like a second thought.

    It's been 4 days, neither of us talked. I'm thinking that if he waits longer than 2 weeks to contact me, I'm not going to let him have it easy, and if it gets to a month, I'm leaving. I want a real relationship. Am I asking too much too soon? should I hang on? Because I feel like he's just there. And I care about him, but if I don't get what I want from this, I don't want to stay. Am I doing something wrong? What do you suggest that I should do?

  35. Mel says

    I am in relationship and getting completely mixed signals. If I back off she comes running if she backs off I panic she's lost interest. First person I have been attracted to though and don't want to lose the soulmate link we have. Never had that with anyone else lol. She is surrounded by other gay women but reassured me nothing going on with any of them. I have to believe that but when she blows cold I fear that there is someone else.

  36. Meghan says

    This man just broke up with me about a week ago. I am very depressed. I am just wondering and wondering what I did wrong to make him pull away.
    We have been dating for six months. Now I compared his behavior to this list. I guest he is not into me.
    No 7: I don't know if he ever told anyone about me since he never introduced me to anyone;
    No. 8: Of course, he didn't invite me to meet his family;
    No. 9: we were away from each other during holidays because our families are in different places; we had a fight on Valentines' day;
    No. 12: he never mentioned about his future plan to me;
    No. 14: I am at the stage asking myself: maybe I shouldn't ask him this or that, he would be still with me.....

    Sadly I am still missing him very much. I know I need to move on. I just don't know how.

    • Jane says

      Don't beat yourself up like this, Meghan. There's always a hundred things we can look back and regret about what we did or didn't do. In the end, it's the same answer - if two people are on the same page, want the same thing, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, it does. If one or both of them aren't, it doesn't. It's never as personal as we make it out to be.

  37. Kay says

    Hi Jane,

    I came across your site today as I was pondering about my current situation. And I love your 'no fuss' approach to every topic.

    I have had a crush on this man for almost 1 year. Since we only met professionally (but we do not work together or anything), and because I'm extremely shy, I never approached him to ask him out. Well nearly 1 year later, when he gave me his cell phone number, my heart was racing. But he gave me his number for a 'reason' (it was to contact him to get someone else's contact information). Few days later, I sent him a text, and he asked for a personal meeting. Obviously I didn't want to turn this opportunity down. From the stares and the way he was always attentive, I had some inclination that he was interested. The day before the meeting he asked if we could meet for dinner...I said 'ok' to that as well. We finally met this past Monday.

    I kept no high expectations. I even dressed like it was a 'meeting' (cool and casual). He showed up, and most of the 2 hours were all about personal questions. We talked about our families, careers, future plans, and of course.....how he thought I was "pretty since the first day he saw me", how his staff thought I was really pretty. He even paid the dinner bill (I insisted I should pay but he wouldn't let me). He leaned in to kiss me, so I flat out asked, "is this a date?" and he said, "it sure is an unplanned date". So we kissed....Next day I also told him I would like to see more of him, and he too said he wanted to see more of me as well. Our second date is next week....

    Here is my dilemma. This is a very very very busy man. Since I don't go out on a lot of dates, I have no clue how to play games. But I have been through a very toxic relationship, and want to make sure I'm not anyone's doormat ever again. I want to be very clear that he has a genuine interest and not just tagging me along. And I say this for some things he mentioned on our first date:

    - He said he lives alone and has been since he was 7 years old. He likes it and "wouldn't have it any other way"

    Obviously I'm still just getting to know him. But when is it ok to ask a man what his intentions are? How do I tactfully ask if he is planning on being "alone" for good or not?

    Thank you for your help

    • Jane says

      Thank you, Kay. So glad you found your way here. :) You can ask, but as so many of us will attest to, the answer you receive will rarely be one you can take to the bank - or to your heart in this case. Instead, take your time. Slow things down to a pace where you can really get to know this person, no matter how busy he may be. Watch, listen, observe, with eyes that are willing to see everything. You're the one doing the choosing here; let him show you that he's worthy of you! Because when you take your time to really get to know him like this before getting your heart emotionally involved with him in a place where you can't think straight anymore, you will save yourself from so much heartbreak if he isn't what he seems to be.

  38. Amy says

    I thought I knew my husband but I missed all the hints. Marriage now is a whole lot different that the 60's. My dreams were kids and a big family, husbands dreams well I don't think he really had any.
    Together for 47 years and he decided that we could live our own lives, I had to ask what he meant by that! I was shocked by his answer, he was going to live his own life like I wasn't included at all. He told me I could leave or stay here rent free, he didn't care. He moved to our basement and lived down there for years then he built a fancy garage and currently lives in it. I have the whole house to myself. We were never intimate, haven't spoke to each other in decades and just ignored each other. I made the big mistake of not moving on, I'm sure I would have found some one else to have a family and kids with. Its to late now he's 70 and I'm 68 and to tired to go any place. I have a warm house and good benefits that pay for my shrink and pills that I need. We both wasted our lives and thats horrible.

    • Jane says

      My heart goes out to you, Amy. Remember that we're all human. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. And what we can see when we look back is rarely what we can see when we're in it.

  39. Parisa says

    Hi Jane,

    I am totally new here and enjoying reading your posts. I liked write to you but my English is not very good!
    Most of the signs listed here are valid in my relationship, actually i am in relationship i know it is not right for me but i can not help myself get out of it. I met my boyfriend when i was 21 we were together for 5 years and one day he disappeared! Just 1 month before my master dissertation defense session.
    I survived, i was really happy when i opened my eyes every morning. I have worked on my plans to study abroad ( i live in Iran), but few months ago he text me. Same story we get back together, Now, i am not happy. He told me he is not going to marry me...
    During these months i broke up with him about 5 times, but every time i get back . I feel really overwhelmed. I am strong social person, people around me admire me but i am really weak at this point.
    Seems like an addiction or like to suffer myself.
    How can i help myself?

    • Jane says

      Welcome, Parisa! I understand you perfectly. :) Help yourself by making a list of what you want, and then looking at what he offers you. Then compare the two. Can he give you that? If he can't, you've got your answer. Look at your programming about love, about what love looks like, feels like and is like. This is a time to set aside your beautiful emotional side for just a moment and look at what's real. Don't let your own fantasy keep you from seeing that reality. You're not weak; you simply need to become clear about exactly what it is you're looking for and then what he is or isn't within that context will tell you everything you need to know to give you your answer.

      Find you, Parisa. This is how we find that strength within us. Find your beautiful self with so much to give, so much to offer, so much to be! But only for someone who is truly worthy of you!

      • Parisa says

        Thank you so much for your words. It does not need to be listed on a paper! It is clear he is not the right person for me.
        I will do my best to act strongly.

  40. Denise says

    Hello Jane. I just scanned through all the different titles of yours and this one stuck out the most. You have been a strong support for me for close to one year. You helped me through a difficult time, when the man, who was a friend, and I approached him should we take it to another level stated "He did not know." You helped me passed that and not beat myself up about it. I came to understand we were not on the same page. I have not dated a soul since that time, nor have I spoken to the "I don't know man" in one year. I'm over him - thanks to you. He is a good person, but I realize after time, I was looking for more. Now, that I'm trying to get myself out there again, I read this column of yours. It is like a guide for me. My heart is VERY GUARDED since the last gentleman. I know he must have gone on with his life, and I must get on with mine. I just find I must not be approachable. I have gone out and do the things I love - not looking just doing what I like . Friends, family and strangers will tell me what a great catch I would be I have so much going for me why don't I have a partner. I just look at them and just don't know. I'm told I'm extremely attractive, in shape, wonderful personality, kind and generous. Yet, my two brothers had this to say to me. Men are probably afraid to approach you because you are beatiful and nice. My other brother tells me "Are you ever going to give a guy a chance.". Okay. Guys don't approach me .... I don't know if I am beatiful or not, it's not important. I'm on the timid side at times. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there is MUCH MORE TO ME. I was a single mom, worked hard, take care of myself.f Not afraid to get my hands dirty and do mens work, yet I can dress up and be myself and love to do that for that special someone. I GIVE UP. Maybe I need to go on a reality show - or Steve Harvey to find the right person. I would be too shy and timid to do that though. Thank you Jane for listening. Maybe it's just not meant to be to find that special person. I just wish he would find me.........................I'm tired.

    • Jane says

      So glad this is resonating with you, Denise. Thank you for your kind words. We're not meant to go through these times alone! It's ok to be tired. It's ok to give up the search. You're not giving up on you, you're only shifting your energy from what's become an exhausting search, to allowing love to find you. Always here for you. :)

  41. Denise says

    Jane. I'm forever grateful for your kind words and encouragement. Thank you for answering. I'm sure there are many who feel the same. Your words stay with me and help me through. Funny, I went out with a friend yesterday. We had a nice time. We met a few men, who I thought were fun and solid. One gave me lots of attention, and his friend said to me, he likes you. So, thinking oh, he seems to be very nice and I was attracted to him. We laughed and joked. Much attraction there. Well, my friend happened to speak to his friend. She then turned to me and said, he's married. My heart dropped. I immediately told her, "let's go." I'm thankful that she found out (which I usually ask, but failed to this time). My heart truly sunk, because for hours I was under the impression he was single. So, I ran out of there very fast with my friend - it's one area I never enter - married men. Thank you Jane. I need to take a walk.

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