I have a few single girlfriends who are now in their late thirties and early forties that are always asking why they haven’t been able to find their Mr. Right. So I looked back at my own life to try to understand why it took me until I was over thirty to find him myself, after so many failed relationships. I might as well have been in my sixties for the number of failed relationships I went through, all which began with so much promise.
I realized that the single most important thing that I could have done that would have saved me so much time and heartbreak, the thing that I was missing all of those long, seemingly wasted years, is to have really known what I was looking for!
I know, it sounds so simple – you’re probably thinking “Of course I know what I’m looking for – a great guy!” But what, exactly, does that mean? I mean, what does it really mean, for each of us? See, these girlfriends are like I was: looking for this “amazing” guy we had pictured in our heads, who’s a little hard to get, a real masculine type, kind of aloof yet assertive, confident, powerful, charming. The kind of guy that takes the initiative; a real guy’s guy. But then we get involved with this guy, and after a (short) time we find he’s more interested in doing his own thing, hanging out with his buddies, than he is in spending time with us. Well, what did we expect? I mean we wanted the guy’s guy, right? Of course that guys going to want to hang out with his buddies more than us.
Since these were the only guys we would consider, and we spent all of our time and energy getting involved with them, only to go through a heartbreaking tumultuous, and ultimately disastrous relationship, we missed all the guys who were actually looking for a real relationship! Those guys all seemed too “needy” or “desperate” at the time, or maybe they just weren’t hot enough. And of course we keep repeating the pattern over and over, as we get older and older, and as our self-esteem just goes further and further into the abyss with each failed relationship, until we’ve gotten so deep that we don’t know which ends up, down or sideways. Until we finally give up all pretenses that we have any clue as to what we we’re doing wrong, and, with our face in our hands, we give up our search for this guy who’s wrong for us anyway!
So why does it take us so long to figure this out? As most psychologists will tell you, like it or not, it’s because of how we were raised. Our parents did the best they could, but the reality is, they just didn’t know any better. Most of them just did what everyone else has done in our culture: they taught the boys to be tough, and the girls to be submissive, agreeable and “sweet”. That’s how we all got to this point in the first place. Of course, the media only reinforces this with all of the swashbuckling heroes of the movies and novels that are hard drinking, hard fighting ladies men that we’re programmed to believe are oh so sexy! But you know what’s really sexy? A guy who’s home with you at night, helps put the kids to bed, and curls up with you on the couch to catch up, talk about your day, or just watch a little TV and relax.
So next time you’re drawn towards that guy with the perfect build, great hair, trendy clothes and charming pick-up lines, take a pass on him and look a little closer at the guy in the jeans and sweatshirt that’s kind, considerate, and handy around the house.
I think you’ll be surprised at just how sexy he can be when he’s curled up on that couch with you.