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I was telling a friend about this blog today, and explaining why I’m so passionate about wanting to help spare my single girlfriends out there from so much of the heartbreak I went through, when I realized something. About all that heartbreak. It’s a gift. Any time we experience a broken heart over someone who didn’t turn out to love us the way we loved them; any time we’re forced to face the reality of unrequited love; any time we’re left watching someone walk away from us, realizing we’re on our own again. It’s a gift to be grateful for. Really.
Let me explain. Because I know that grateful is usually the very last thing we’re feeling when someone’s just told us we’re not the one for them. But what if when any of these things happen to us, we could choose to hear the message that’s telling us something isn’t right, isn’t working, needs to change, needs some rethinking? What if we could thank heaven, or the universe, or fate, or whatever it is we believe in, for not letting us go any further with someone who wasn’t on the same page we are? What if we could really hear the message that he wasn’t the guy for us, our dreams about the relationship were beautiful and wonderful dreams, but he wasn’t the one to share them with. There’s someone else. The real thing. But it wasn’t this guy. Regardless of how much we wanted it to be. And I know firsthand just how much we can want it to be.
But what if instead of looking at the breakup that we didn’t want, what if we could see that it saved us from any more heartbreak, any more disappointment, any more pretense that everything was ok, any more being on the begging end doing whatever we could to turn things around when we were the only ones turning it? Wouldn’t that change everything for us? Because I can tell you firsthand that each time I was sure I was with the right guy, and each time it ended, if I had been able to see how different my life would have been if that relationship had worked out and I ended up with him, I would have missed out on what I now know is the way a relationship is supposed to feel. With the guy that’s the true one for me, who treats me the way I deserve. Who brings out the best in me.
So whether you’re going through it right now or when it happens down the road and you find yourself lamenting the loss of the guy who was supposed to be all that, your dream guy, the one who’s just broken your heart, take a moment to think about it as a gift. Could it be that it’s because of this breakup that you have hope for the real thing? Could it be that because he’s letting you go that he’s actually giving you the best gift he could? The chance to get clear on who you really are, what you really want in a guy and how you’re going to use this experience to move on to the real thing, even though it’s so hard to believe it right now? Let that sit with you and think about what you’re getting out of the relationship. Does it make you feel better about yourself or worse? Do you feel better about yourself when you’re with him, or do you feel like you’re always trying to be what he wants you to be? And most importantly, can you see yourself living happily ever after with him? Give yourself some time to mull those questions over. It’s ok if you can’t see it right now. I didn’t either. But one day, you will.
P.S. Trust me on this one; no matter what you’re feeling right now, one day you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in this guy who right now means so much to you. Because if he truly was the one for you, you’d still be together. And you wouldn’t be feeling this way. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just not the right one for you. He knows it, and you know it too. It’s just hard to accept sometimes when your heart is still with his. And his isn’t with yours anymore. I know. It’s hard. Feel the pain. Cry those tears. And when you’re ready, remind yourself it’s a gift. You don’t know how much of one, but one day, you will. Really.
About Jane
I like to think of it as divine intervention.
Thanks, Stacey - that's a beautiful way of looking at it!
Just wish there were a divine painkiller for the pain ... I thought I was doing better here recently with letting go, but reading this article brought it all back and I realize I'm really not doing as good as I thought, and still have a ways to go ... hope she is right about this gift thing ... I really hope she is right.
Lori - When you're in the middle of it, it's the hardest thing to trust, and to believe, but it's that very belief that makes all the difference in the world! It's a process that takes time, with the only way of getting to the other side being the necessary time of going through it - pain and all. There really is a reason for everything, even the things that make no sense to us right now. Hang in there, and know that I'm here for you if you want to "talk" - you can email me any time.
How am I able to ge over this hurt and pain if were still friends? he says he loves me, he calls me babe, when were together he just stares at me and smiles and starts playing with me. he says there is no other girl on my level and he loves no one else but me, a week before the break up he even told me he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me. he also said that im his "first" as in i took his virginity and Im his"first" as in his first love. He says he wants to be friends with me because he cant picture me not being his life. when were around each other he tells me how awesome i am and he thanked me for being one of the realest and supportive girls in his life. He talks to alot of girls now that were broken up but he recently asked me what kind of condoms did we use to wear when we were together so that he can be safe when he has sex with other girls
were friends on facebook so i see his comments to other girls and it still hurts? your advice would be greatly appreciated. will this hurt ever go away?
The hurt will eventually go away, Kieona, but it never feels like it ever will when you're in the thick of it like you are right now. But it will. One day, when you learn to love and respect yourself so much that you refuse to settle for anything less than the real thing and refuse to accept any crumbs - no matter how good they feel. It sounds like what you need most right now is some time and space away from this person who clearly isn't able to give you what you need. Eventually, you will come to see this, but for now, focus on you and your life which is worth so much more than you can even realize right now.
Hi Jane, I really love your site. Me and my boyfriend recently broke up because of his commitment issues and it is so hard dealing with these feelings. I can identify with so many of your posts. This happened a couple of weeks ago but he is still calling me everyday and its so hard for me to cut it off completely. But I want to because I know its the best thing. I really love what you wrote above abour refusing to accept any crumbs even though they may feel good. Thats the boat I am in right now. I feel a hole in my heart without him but talking to him and seeing him fills that hole temporarily. I am accepting the crumbs! I want to be strong, but I dont know what its going to take.
Oh Christina, this sounds like such a hard place for you right now. You are being so strong, refusing to accept those crumbs and determining to be strong enough to choose you and the hope of a healthier relationship that honors and respects you and your needs as much as his, but how difficult it can be for someone else to accept this! And so it makes sense that even as you struggle with this, you are meeting with even more resistance from him to pull you back into the relationship and see if this is really what you want.
If you truly know in your heart that you have done the right thing here, then believe in yourself, and your decision and honor and respect both you and your boyfriend by staying true to your decision by focusing on every other area of your life except where he is concerned, to help give you some space from him to see all that you have without him. Of course he keeps calling you because you interrupted his plans and his life that sounds like it was working so well for him! You are getting such a strong resistance from him because he was quite happy with the relationship just the way it was! But if you are having doubts, and not just because of his reaction now, but because you are wondering if you may have missed something or acted to hastily, then explore those further, remembering all that you truly are and all that you deserve.
This is the hardest part, but very soon, if this is the right decision, you will know by how much better you will feel when you can finally break free of someone who isn't honoring your light, who doesn't give you the respect you deserve, and who isn't there to remind you how it feels to be with someone who isn't fully able to commit to you, to settle for less of a committed relationship than your heart truly desires. That is never too much to ask, and always what naturally happens when you are with someone who is right for you!