We've traveled so far from our true selves that it's no wonder that we've found ourselves alone and questioning the meaning of life.

So alone.

Is it really any surprise? We've learned to be what everyone seems to be telling us that these guys want us to be – sexy, cool, hip, etc. We believe we need to show him all we've got, lay it all out there, so that we get noticed and we can catch him.

I used to think it was all about being that beautiful, sexy woman who would make every man want to be with her. What I didn't realize was that I was acting that way because I thought I had to – I thought that's what every man really wanted in a woman. I finally realized that I was only attracting the player types, because the others who actually wanted a committed relationship with an eventual real life partner weren't interested, or were scared off.  They were all getting together and settling down with real women who were just being themselves and who were honest about what they were looking for!

I had no clue what real love looked like. The truth was I had no idea what I was doing, and what I was doing wrong.

I can't tell you how many times I would hear about someone who was nothing special in the ways I though mattered (read: looks, sexiness) who was getting married, having children, beginning that life that I so wanted for myself. And there I was, acting the way I thought I was supposed to act, being that person I thought I was supposed to be, the type that every man supposedly wanted, only to come to the startling realization that I had it all wrong.

Real men want the real you.

The kind of men I actually wanted to be with, men who were looking for a real, committed relationship,  didn't want someone like that. They wanted the real me, not the image of this artificial me I was trying so hard to project. The others, the swaggering player types who wanted the challenge I was presenting them with, wanted me but not for the reasons I wanted.

Until one day, I got it.

I started putting the pieces together, started reading between the lines of my life. I finally realized that I wasn't in a movie, or a fairy tale; this was my life. I hadn't found success in love with what I thought was my type, which was really just our culture and the media telling me what should be my type. I had no idea what my type was anymore, and I had no idea who I really was.

And from that place of no man's land, I found the only thing that mattered. Love. Love for myself first. And love for another human being second. I had to get to the basics of who I really was, and let go of who I wasn't.

I had to admit what it was I really wanted. If it was love I wanted, I had to be honest with myself and realize there was no shame in being upfront about what my heart and soul truly desired. I had to admit that I might have it wrong and that there might be something to this simple way of just being and loving and focusing solely on the simplicity of love instead of the illusion of the game of extreme attraction.

It's OK to admit you want love.

I had to admit that I wanted love, and no, it wasn't needy for me to admit that; it was confident. I had to admit that I just wanted someone to love me, and he didn't have to be someone everyone would be jealous of. This wasn't about me looking good with someone, or finding someone who measured up to the standard that I always felt I had to measure up to in every way. This false standard created by our media-driven culture.

I could finally stop caring about what other people would think, and just find someone to love who loved me the same way.

That's it! Do you get that? This isn't about all the other stuff, all the unhealthy background baggage that you and I and all of our girlfriends bring to our relationships.

This isn't about you proving something to yourself or anyone else. He doesn't have to look like Bradley Cooper or a guy right out of a firefighter calendar. He doesn't have to be anything except someone who loves you, who gets you, who's compatible with you, who would make a great husband and father.

Do you see the difference?

We were created to love.

We women were biologically made to love, to give, to inspire, to care. In our hearts and souls what we really want at the end of the day, more than anything, is to have someone to come home to! Someone to hold us, to love us, to care about us, to calm our fears, to chase away all of our demons.

And what do we offer in return? We don't know anymore. We're so confused.

We've made it so complicated.

We've gotten so used to playing a role, being everything we're supposed to strive to be, when in reality, it's left us nowhere. We don't know how to get together anymore.

Men aren't used to the concept of being able to conquer us so easily. They don't know what to do with that! We cave so easily because we think that's what it's about. Being liberated. When in reality, giving ourselves away like we do feels anything like liberating.

It feels awful when the ecstasy wears off and we realize we did it again and he's not calling us again. The downward spiral continues as we beat ourselves up. Why can't we be stronger than that? And then the anger comes; we're supposed to be able to handle giving ourselves away like this – it's not supposed to feel this bad!

But it does feel bad.

It doesn't work both ways.  We have to figure out who we are and what we really want. To prioritize and then focus on our priorities and not be swayed by our attraction to the unhealthy, as we work on loving ourselves and letting go of the things that trigger us to attract the unhealthy men and relationships we attract. Stop.

We can blame, we can go back in time as far as we want. But in the end, it's not about the past. It's about recognizing we all have a past, we all have baggage, we all do the things we do because of things beyond our control. But going back and back and figuring ourselves out doesn't do anything for where we are now. We're still alone. We're still lonely. We're still loathing ourselves, beating ourselves up, filling ourselves with regrets and if only.

Stop.

You're here right now. It's time to look again. To see yourself in a whole new way. Real. True. Imperfect. With nothing to prove. Nothing to show. Just here to love. And be loving. And show love. On a level that's safe. Respectful of you. Beautiful you. Guarded. Which means, you give your love to everyone, you shine your beautiful light of you all around you, but you only give your heart away to a man who proves himself worthy of that beautiful love you offer on that deeper level.

And when they see you with the love of your life, they'll know you didn't settle for anything less than you deserved.

You saw. You chose. You became free.

This is NOT how it's supposed to feel.

It’s not supposed to be this hard. Really, it’s not. All the things you’re doing to increase your chances of finding him - The One, Mr. Right. All the over thinking. The second-guessing. The desperate calls to your best girlfriends, maybe even your mother. Should I or shouldn’t I? Do I or don’t I? It sounds all too familiar, doesn’t it?

Well, you’re not alone. But all this planning, thinking, prepping, and basically trying so hard isn’t the way it’s done. Every little thing you do or say isn’t being recorded and judged and analyzed to determine just how worthy you are to receive the grand prize of true love.

It just doesn’t work that way

There is no contest, no prize, no competition where the one who tries the hardest wins. This is real life, and real love.

And it’s not about you trying so hard that you don’t even know who you are anymore because you’re out there being whoever and whatever you think you’re supposed to be in order to land that man.

Forget the rules

Forget the catchy magazine article titles, forget all the rules. Those might be what sell big, but this is about you!

Your life. Your love. And about you finally getting it right and getting the love you want… and deserve.

Think about it - how many times have you been down this road? How many times have you been doing the same things over and over again, meeting the same types of guys, or not meeting them at all, expecting things to be different the next time?

It's just not working

We both know it’s just not working, but we’re so programmed to think we have to do something that we keep doing the same things over and over again. And then we wonder why we’re heartbroken again, alone again, left out again in this elusive search for love that never seems to end in our favor.

But what if all this doing, all this trying to make it happen, trying to find the love of our lives, trying to meet Mr. Right, hoping to finally get it right and start living our happily ever after – what if that’s actually what’s keeping it from happening?

It's time to turn the tables

What if we turn the tables and really believe that it’s our birthright to attract true love and the person who’s right for us into our lives? That we’re worth it. Just because we exist, just because of who we are.

And we deserve nothing less.

What would that do to the recordings we subconsciously play in our minds that have us trying and doing all the crazy things we do to try to bring this type of love into our lives?

You are beautiful

If we truly believe that we are enough, more than enough, just by being who we are - if we truly get that, than there is nothing to try. There is nothing to perform, nothing to manipulate, nothing to pretend. There is nothing to compete for and nothing to prove to anyone.

There is only the beautiful person of you and who you really are deep down inside your heart of hearts. There is just you being you - the real you.

The healthy, strong person who is worth all the love another healthy, strong person has to offer you. And nothing less. For either of you. That’s what true love is all about. It doesn’t usually happen overnight. And it doesn’t happen one moment before either of you are ready for each other.

It does happen

But it does happen. And all the trying in the world to make it happen won’t make it happen any quicker than by you just being yourself – in fact, it will slow things down.

The only reason we all try so hard in the first place is because we don’t truly believe in ourselves. We must begin to catch a glimpse of who we really are, the goddess within us that we see on the occasions when we remember that we don’t need a script, or a performance.

We so often forget that we don’t have to do anything; it’s not in the doing that we attract that special person into our lives. It’s in the living. The living of our own lives, following our own passions, while we quietly, calmly and confidently allow love to enter.

We just need to be true to ourselves, and let life happen. Follow our hearts, live our lives, pursue the things that interest us, find our passion. Keep living the life we were made for, full of everything near and dear to us. There’s no room for trying so hard in that kind of living.

It's time to take a step back and relax

So let’s take a step back, breathe and relax a little. Or a lot, for some of us.

There. Isn’t that so much better?

Feel what that’s like. Because that’s how it’s supposed to feel. Without the trying so hard. All that energy. All that thinking.

Feel the difference?

And that’s how we know we’re in the right place. The right state of mind for the journey. Do you get that? Good, because now we’re ready to find ourselves. That person we keep talking about who’s been trying so hard to get it right, and ending up in the same place every time.

Let’s go find out who she really is.

This post is from part 1 of my book Find Your True Love: 10 Simple Steps to Getting the LOVE You Want...and Deserve. Want more? Get your free copy here.

Because unlike other moms who share the role of raising children with a partner, you walk this path alone.

Some of you have help and support (never enough),  some of you don't have any, but all of you know what it's like to be the sole person that your child relies on to do all those little – and many times big – things you do to make their world a better place.

This is for all of the wonderful, loving things you do:

• For all the owies you make better with your kisses.
• For all the sleepless nights you endure taking care of little sick ones – or ones that just can't sleep.
• For all the times you listen when all you really want is to be heard yourself.
• For all the stories you read and tell, for all the castles you build, the cardboard houses you make, the art projects you share, the homework you help with, the all of the  never ending cleanup you do.

And for all the many, many other practical details of life – like cooking and cleaning and shopping and carpooling and helping in every way – each of these things you do make the world a better place because you are raising a child who sees that this is just what you do when you're their everything.

This path of motherhood teaches us so many things too, just as our children teach us the true meaning of giving and self-sacrifice.  And about loving another human being whose world we are to them.

Don't ever doubt what you're doing.

Don't ever question that being a mom is the single most difficult job in the world.  It's also the single most rewarding.

Don't ever wonder if you're good enough or up for the challenge. You are.

It doesn't matter whatever circumstances brought you to where you are today, you are the absolute most beautiful gift your children will ever know.

It is because of you that they will grow up knowing what it truly means to love and give to another human being. Just because you're you.

For you, here's a smile, an understanding hug, and a few compassionate tears. You, my beautiful friend, are doing a great job – keep up the good work!

Happy Mother's Day.

As much as you'd like to think that you're completely separate from her and aren't influenced by what she thinks of you, the fact is you're influenced by mom more than you'd like to believe.

Here's just a sampling of the ways she's managed to wrangle herself into your dating life:

1. It started when you were a baby.

Researchers have found that the ability to love, trust and work through arguments is developed during infancy and can directly affect behavior in future relationships.

If your mother was distant or emotionally cold to you when you were a baby, you may find it very difficult to allow yourself to love and be loved later in life.

While these tendencies were developed before you were forming memories or even able to speak, that doesn't mean they can't be overcome but it does mean you may have some additional hurdles.

2. She set the example.

We're naturally programmed to view the type of relationship that our parents had as the norm, so if your parents had a loving, trusting, long-lasting relationship, then you're in luck.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

With roughly half of marriages ending in divorce, many more on the brink and others that are just downright dysfunctional, the majority of us are following examples that are less than stellar.

Continue reading on YourTango.com...

He wants a woman who is complete in and of herself

I really do get it. “You complete me” is simply a tear-evoking, make-us-weak-at-the-knees statement we would all love to hear coming from our man. The very thought of him just needing us so much that he would be broken, a fraction of the man he is now if we weren’t in his life, just makes our hearts melt. But reality is far from what is portrayed in the movies, and the romance movie genre is one of the worst offenders.

Think about it:

Do you really want to be dating only part of a person? Someone who has not yet matured completely? Someone who is so needy of your attention and affection that they latch onto you and just won’t let go?

The word clinger comes to mind. When you think about it this way, it becomes obvious — of course you don’t want that kind of man.

Well, the truth is guys don’t want that either.

Men want a woman who knows who she is and what she wants in life and is confident in herself and her abilities. They want a complete woman.

“When you bring your complete self to the relationship, you’re able to recognize if you’re compatible.”

Being complete doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.

We all have our faults, but being complete means you understand these faults and know they are yours and yours alone.

They’re not caused by your partner and you are the only person that can change these traits.

Continue reading on DatingAdvice.com…

Avoid these common dating mistakes to dramatically improve your love life.

Do you find yourself caught in a bad dating cycle? You're meeting guys, dating them for a while, but the end result is always the same – your left alone and brokenhearted. As much as you'd like to believe that there are just no good men out there, it's much more likely that it's due to your own behavior. The good news is that also means it's under your control to change things.

So be honest with yourself and see if you can identify with any of these four common dating mistakes. If you can, you'll be doing yourself a huge favor by changing your dating habits.

1.) Not giving love a chance to grow. You go out for coffee on the blind date that your mother's friend set you up on, but, while he seems really nice and wasn't bad looking, you just aren't feeling any chemistry. So when he calls asking for another date, you tell him that you're just not interested in a relationship right now.

I can't even count how many times a guy started to become more attractive the more I got to know him. Once you give him a chance, see his fun, quirky side, the way he can make you laugh, his kindness and generosity, he really starts to get, well, cuter. And if you give yourself some time to explore that, you might just find that cuter becomes real cute, and before you know it real cute becomes sexy. Continue reading on YourTango.com...

Here's a letter from one of our beautiful readers, Mady, who is concerned that her biological clock is ticking away and she hasn't yet found her Mr. Right. 

Dear Jane,

First of all, thank you for writing such encouraging thoughts on your very positive website. You’re helping a lot of people, something I strive to do as well – sooner than later, I hope. Thank you, really

I’ve been reading almost all your posts. There’s one topic I haven’t found though, and which is keeping me thinking and contemplating since at least a year now: What about those beautiful women who are still on their own, in their thirties, and who would very much like to have children?

There’s been some very important and loving men in my life. Yet, these last few years, with all the reading, building on my confidence and convincing myself that real, lasting love will one day cross my path, I feel that one of my biggest dreams would be to have children. Of course, I’m almost 32, my clock is ticking, and even if I meet someone special next year, getting pregnant can still take years of “trying”. So I’m thinking about other“solutions”. I reckon this might sound a bit irrational. I just feel the need to reassure myself by knowing that there’s an alternative, which doesn’t require waiting for/depending on the arrival of that special man.

Adoption or a donor could also be a solution, but – selfishly and biologically, and if I’m lucky enough – I would really love to have children on my own, and I wish them a father too. Actually, a good (homosexual) friend and I are seriously talking about having children together. We're giving it at least year to think it over, because it is, of course, quite a big step.

I’m wondering what your opinion is, and how you see this Much love, Mady

My Response:

Dear Mady,

Thank you for your kind words; it's hearing from women like you that so inspires me here doing what I can to make a difference on this journey. I hear exactly what you're saying about that longing for biological children before it is physically too late, and I understand what it's like to feel that reality check of your biological clock ticking with no real prospects in site.

I was quickly approaching 30 before I met my husband, and I remember feeling that same familiar panic; what if I didn't meet him in time? What if it was too late? I knew that I wanted to have children in my future, and I felt like I was constantly reminded by the media, my friends, my family, and my own inner voice that my biological clock was just ticking away. It didn't help that I had married friends who struggled to get pregnant and took a long time trying; that just added to my fears and belief that I needed to find the right guy, and fast.

Fortunately, all of that worrying about my biological clock helped me to get really focused on what I truly wanted in a partner. You see, all those qualities that I thought I wanted in a guy, all those must-haves on my list, were really all about my own insecurities and my earlier programming from the media, peers, family, etc., and had nothing to do with what I really wanted, which was a family of my own. While I was out searching for the elusive fireworks and butterflies, what I should have had my eye out for was someone with the qualities of a good husband and a good father.

Many of us fall into the trap, and I did as well. When evaluating men, we tend to think it's an either-or scenario: either we're head over heels attracted to him or he's just not our type. But I can't tell you how many women I know who married the seemingly perfect guy they were head over heels for that turned out to be the wrong guy for them. I can't begin to express the heartbreak and pain of the separation and divorce for everyone involved when in the end, the perfect guy turned out to be the player who just couldn't stop playing, or they finally realized that they just wanted different things in life. All of them realized, painfully too late, that if only they would have known what to look for earlier they would have chosen differently.

So, my beautiful single friend, if you're so concerned about your biological clock that you're thinking about having a child without a partner in your life (and it certainly can be done these days) remember that the reality is being a single mom is one of the most challenging and difficult roles you can take on. It's very common, but that doesn't mean that it's easy by any stretch. It also will make finding a romantic partner much harder, as supporting yourself and caring for a child leaves very little time for any kind of serious dating.

Being part of a couple when you're raising a child really is a much better scenario. The key is to make sure it's with someone who is on the same page, shares the same values and has the qualities that really matter, even if he's not what you currently think is your type. The fact that he’s going to be such a great dad to your kids, treats you well, and shares the same values is going to make him so attractive to you when you can look beyond the must give you butterflies entry on your current list. You'll be amazed at just how quickly love can grow when you respect and care for someone that respects and cares for you in return.

As I said, I've been there. I overlooked far too many men, especially two in particular, who are now married with children and are the most wonderful fathers (and treat their wives so much better) than any of the players I chose instead over them have ever turned into.

I do think it's a great idea to have a contingency plan, but give yourself as much time as you can. In the meantime, take another look at that guy who's your good friend, or the one you just don't feel it with, or the one you think is missing something. Look at him in this new light of what you really want – a committed relationship with a guy that wants to be a dad as much as you want to be a mom. He might just be someone that you could fall in love with after all when you realize what’s really important to you. You'll start to see that most of the qualities that are important in a dad aren't the same as what you've been finding yourself attracted to in a man.

The other thing that I've found is very important to think about early on, that many of us don't even give a thought to, is how you want to parent once you have a child. Do you believe in heavy discipline, or is gentle attachment more your style? Do you want to push for early schooling and academic excellence, or are you more interested in letting your future child explore his passions and find his calling outside of the bonds of academic structure? Do you want to be a stay at home mom or continue to pursue your career? Differing views on how a child should be raised have broken up many marriages, and it's much more important to find a man who shares your vision of parenting than it is to find a guy that gives you goosebumps. Those goosebumps will be gone in a hurry when you don't like the way he's treating your beautiful child.

So if it helps to relieve the biological clock anxiety, go ahead and allow yourself that contingency plan, and then treat it like insurance – it's good to have it, but you hope you never have to use it. Then use that deadline to give yourself the energy to get out there and find the future father of your children. If you haven't tried your hand at online dating, now is the time. Take a crash course on online dating (there's a lot to it and many great techniques that will help you to be successful), and get your profile up. Spend some money and get some professional photos taken that make you look your best, get a few new outfits, and head out on some dates. While you're on those dates (and even before you go on the dates), look at him through the eyes of your future children who are looking at their dad, and allow that to guide you. This will help to keep you from falling back on your old patterns of going with what you think is your type.

The good news is that you are at the right age to meet lots of great guys who are also at the right age to really want commitment and family – guys in the late 30's to early 40's range. If you haven't read it yet, pick up a copy of Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb, and don't let the sub-title fool you. It's a good read and will help you to make sure you are being picky about the right things. I'm not saying that you're being too picky now, since I don't know the details of your dating history, but I know that we all have a tendency to look first for the fireworks instead of the qualities that will get us what we really want, and we all also tend to gravitate towards the same type of guy over and over again – two habits that are essential to break if you want to get to true love.

So try something different today or tomorrow or the next time you find yourself talking to someone who seems to have those great dad qualities, but that you're not initially attracted to. Look at him and find something attractive about him to get you started - it could be his kind eyes or his easy smile. This isn't about settling, and it isn't about trying to make yourself be attracted to someone when there's nothing there. This is about taking a second look at someone who one day you may look back on and wonder why you couldn't see it then.

It happens all the time, to the best of us, and to beautiful women, just like you.

Love, Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Mady? Please share them with her in the comments!

Not getting the kind of commitment that you want from your guy? Check out this article I wrote for YourTango for a few steps you can take to get to where you want to be…

We all want to feel like our partners are committed to us. In fact, a recent study commissioned by Benenden Health, one-third of the study participants said that they would feel more optimistic about their relationships if their partners showed them more commitment. On top of that, most married participants were significantly happier than their single fellow participants.

So now that science has proven an obvious truth about couples in relationships, what do you do when you aren't getting the level of commitment you want from the guy you're dating? Here are three simple steps you can take to move towards the kind of committed relationship that you really want:

Step One: know what level of commitment you want. Like most things in life, if you're unclear about what you really want out of a relationship then you're going to have a tough time getting it. Life tends to deliver to us exactly what we focus on, so if you're not focused on what you truly want, then it's time to define for yourself exactly what commitment looks like to you. Does it mean dating exclusively? Do you want an engagement ring on your finger or is a verbal profession of love good enough for you? Are you the type of person who feels that it's not a true commitment until you drive off in the limo with the "just married" sign taped on the trunk? These are all questions that you need to answer honestly with yourself. Continue reading on YourTango.com...

We remember all the wonderful times, the great things, that amazing potential he showed. And we start questioning ourselves and why we couldn't just have been this or that. Why we couldn't have been more understanding of him (as if we weren't already all too understanding!)

We wonder why we couldn't be content with less.

And then we start wondering if we're worth it. We forget just how miserable we were far too much of the time. We forget how many of our own needs weren't being met. We forget all the waiting. We forget all the uncertainty. We forget all the times we felt like anything would have been better than what we were living. We start on that slippery slope that has us second-guessing ourselves and leaves us spending all too much of our time and energy fantasizing about how to get him back and how different things would be this time around – if only we can convince him to give us another chance.

Stop right there, my beautiful friend. It's time to see this through your strong adult eyes instead of through the eyes of that little girl who's been trying to get that love she wants so badly. It's time to ask yourself some questions to see what was really there.

• Did he really care about what you wanted?
• Did he want the same thing?
• Did he say he wanted the same thing, but his actions showed otherwise?
• Did you feel anxious when you were with him?
• Did you feel like if you could just be content to go with the flow, it would have been turned out so much better?
• Would he have been perfect if only he could commit?

We can be so understanding, so forgiving, and so willing to put someone else first without thinking about whether they even deserve that kind of response from us in the first place. Is he worth what you've been putting yourself through? Is he worth your beautiful you? We can get so caught up in whether he wants us, whether he loves us, whether he's going to commit to us, that we forget that this is so much more about us than him. It's not about what if, it's not about what could have been, it's not about if only, it's about what is.

And you, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than a real relationship based on reality; a reality of two people on the same page who want the same thing and are committed to making that happen regardless of any extenuating circumstances.

Because if you don't have that, what do you really have?

How do I let him go? How do I move on? How will I ever get on with my life? How do I finally break free of this hold he has on me? You get the idea.

We all want to know the secret to just letting go and not going back. But the reality is that there is no secret. Each of us comes to it in our own way. We finally come to the realization that what we've been doing isn't working. If that realization means we need to let go of someone that isn't right for us, then we also have our own individual way of letting go and moving on.

And for most of us it looks more like a dance of one step forward, two steps back then a cut and dry ending with no looking back.

We start out standing firm in our newly found resolve, feeling our fresh confidence, then find ourselves falling back, full of new fears and self-doubts that reel us back in again. We get a little stronger each time, repeating this back and forth pattern several times until eventually we come to a point where the clarity is finally there and we see what we have to do.

The exact process is different for everyone based on your own unique situation, but what’s most important is to be gentle with yourself and resist the urge to beat yourself up for taking the long way around. It took you a long time to get as involved as you have; it will take you a long time to get un-involved. And along the way, in this process, it helps to remember a few important things.

• If it’s meant to be, it will be.
• If he’s really worth it, you’ll find that out.
• If he’s not, you’ll see that, too.
• Sometimes you can still be friends, but most of the time, you can’t be.
• Do you really want to still be friends? Or is this just a way to hold on to false hope and more of the same?
• You can always change your mind; if he’s not able to accept a change of heart, this confirms what you already knew.
• You will eventually be able to let go because at some point things will become crystal clear as you start to see things more objectively.
• It doesn’t matter how long it takes to let go of someone and move on. Some people can do this in a moment, but for most of us hopeless romantic, optimistic believer types it can take weeks, months or even years.
• The only reason to speed up this process is to get on with our lives; if we’re not there yet, it’s ok.
• You absolutely need support to get through this!

I’m sure I’ve forgotten a point or two, so if you’re currently going through this or have already experienced this, please add your additional points in the comments. We all need to know we’re not alone!