Lost.
When it’s over. When the reality that this new place is worse than you thought it would be. When you long for the old reality that at least you knew.
How else to describe it except for one word … Lost
No matter whether you were prepared or not, can you ever really be prepared?
There’s nothing quite like that feeling, that feeling of emptiness, of loneliness, of regret. It wasn’t supposed to be like this at all.
You can’t see beyond today. You can’t see beyond this “him” that isn’t in the picture anymore.
Can I just turn back the clock?
You never thought you’d feel this lost.
It’s not becoming found that gives you hope right now. It’s becoming unlost. How do I change this? How do I stop feeling this way? Or my own personal favorite, can I just go somewhere until all this pain goes away?
No, we can’t. There’s a reason we can’t escape it. There’s a reason we can’t simply make it go away. There’s a journey in here, and one that we won’t want to miss. It’s not something to fear. Not something that happens when you have it so good with someone so perfect for you. No, that would be cruel. And the last thing love ever is is cruel.
You see, it was an illusion that you weren’t already lost.
Oh you may have thought you had it all together. Everyone else may have thought so, too. But somewhere underneath the going through the motions kind of living you got so used to doing that you didn’t even realize you were doing, you were more lost than you could have known.
We don’t get wake up calls unless we need them.
We don’t go through the “going through” unless there’s something to find on the other side once we’re through. We don’t lose the best thing that could have ever happened to us unless there was nothing really there to begin with.
We become lost so that we can slowly start to become unlost. And it doesn’t happen unless we’re open to it in the first place. Open to seeing something more. Open to becoming so much more! There’s only one way most of us get there.
By this lost phase. By this phase of not knowing where to turn, what to do, where to go, what to do next.
Don’t fight it! Accept it.
Accept there might be more for you. Accept this is how you get to the good stuff. Accept that someone deep inside yourself, you just might know this to be true.
Put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. One tiny, baby step at a time. In the direction of you, not him.
Forward, not backward.
It’s ok if you want to go back. We always do. Have compassion, not contempt for yourself when you do. No matter what this moment feels like, this too will pass. And pass it will!
Take care of you right now.
Don’t look around at anyone else, or buy into the idea that there’s anything wrong with you. There isn’t! There’s a new day coming, a new being found that’s coming for you. We never quite believe it until it’s here, but behind the scenes, there’s so much more happening for you than you could ever dream!
It’s by being lost in the first place, that we find our way to being unlost, and then discover the beauty, the love, the happiness of becoming found. Not by any him, not by anyone outside of you, but by the one person who being found by matters more than anyone else in the world: you.
Wilma says
Thanks Jane. This is the stage I find myself today. Its been nearly 4 months since my heart was broken after a 3 year relationship. My ex and I became engaged 2 years and now I see that he had no intention of ever getting married. He had it too good. Living between our two houses whenever he felt like it........
Anyhow...the last few months have been horrific. I put so much into that relationship and now MY future dreams and hopes have all gone up in smoke.....I am indeed LOST.
I know that I always mention my age (57) but I do feel that the older you get it is much harder to meet someone. At the moment I am in despair...
I have been off work with depression now for over 6 weeks. Everything just came crashing down on me and I was unable to go on.....I couldn't get out of bed for nearly a week, couldn't eat and couldn't hold a conversation. My whole system just went into meltdown.
This is what can happen when we don't put ourselves first and depend on someone else to make us happy.
I don't know how long it will take me to accept the changes in my life but I want to move on too. I don't want to be lonely - I want to enjoy my own company - its all a learning curve as I have never stayed on my own before.
Thanks Jane, for everything.
Jane says
I'm so sorry, Wilma. I know this has been so hard for you. Keep taking care of yourself. Keep shaking off what isn't yours to take on. You will move on, by putting one foot in front of the other and moving in the direction of you and what you need instead of any other him. Get the help you need to get you there. There's still so much more for you! Yes, it's a learning curve - especially when we've never had to learn this before. There's a huge difference between being lonely and being on your own. Find a way to bridge the two, to start to give yourself the life you deserve. It's never too late, while it surely feels like it is, it doesn't have to be. And most importantly, have compassion for where you are. Who you are is always enough. I'm always here for you!
lucinda says
Jane,thank you. I am finding myself after the death of my husband of 42 yrs.and you are so right about baby steps,its taken me three years since his death to find me and i love me and you are a beautiful person helping me on my journey.
Julie says
I was actually just reflecting on this topic the other day. Whenever my first longterm relationship ended, I was so heartbroken and felt so worthless that I avoided feeling lost at all costs. I resisted that life season of mourning and growth so much that I immediately jumped into another longterm relationship a month later without recognizing what he was like or what I needed/deserved. That second relationship recently ended and now I embrace this season of change and moments of feeling lost. This season has been tough but it's the best thing that's ever happened to me! I look back at the young girl I was and how foolish it was to resist the quest of becoming unlost because I knew it would be really hard. But, I wasn't ready then and did the best I couldve being so young. Sure, Ive had bad days but being lost led me to so many new life experiences, strengthening relationships with family and friends, and becoming the person I always knew I was. I'm not exactly where I want to be yet, in the loving relationship I want, but I know I will be because for the first time in my life I know what it will look like and how to truly love myself. I think all that matters right now is that im WHO I want to be and the "where" is just around the corner if I just keep moving!
Jane says
Love how you're seeing this, Julie! Thank you for sharing your story. When we resist becoming lost, we only prolong our suffering in that in-between time before we see the best parts that are always still to come. The moments of feeling lost - this is so important to remember. They are moments, waves, temporary feelings. They do not need to define us nor become who we are. They too, will pass. " I think all that matters right now is that I'm WHO I want to be and the "where" is just around the corner if I just keep moving!" - Yes!
Uniek says
Hi Jane,
I am enjoy reading your article. I am in long distance relationship and it's in about 6 - 7 months. He is really busy now with his new job which is start on May this year. So many times I feel neglected because of our lack communication but in other hand I don't want sound too demanding since he told me he is really need to focus for his new job. But we talk less and less and I am stress out. I feel him so emotionally distant and I am lost in our relationship. I love him so much and really want to fight for our relationship but I know I can't fight it alone. It's really hurt.
Jane says
Fill your own cup outside of him, Uniek. If he needs to focus on his new job, he's letting you know his priorities and that's valuable information for you to have so you can decide if this is working for you. If you're the only one lost and the only one fighting, that's telling you even more. oh my heart goes out to you. It hurts so much to love and care as much as you do for someone who isn't feeling the same way. Ask yourself why you love him so much, what does he give you?
Uniek says
Hi Jane,
Thank you so much for your reply. I told him about 4 - 5 times already that I feel him so much distant lately to me and I am really sad about it. He keep calm and said it's just because his too tired after work. He even not bother to call me while he know I am expecting him to reach me and talk to me in person so I feel better.
So yesterday I write him text, asked him if he lost his attraction to me and our relationship? but he not reply me back. Now he keep silent and I think he doesn't care anymore about this relationship. Why men cannot say it's over when it's over?
Jane says
Because they've already said everything with their actions, Uniek. And because they don't want to say anything more.
Wise Chick says
I've written about this more times than I can count. It's amazing how Jane is ALWAYS on time with these topics. It's as though she's reading my mind and feeling my pain as I progress through this process of heartbreak.
It's hard being lost in a sea of emotion all alone. It's hard giving up on someone you thought you loved.
None of my friends want to hear me talk about this guy anymore. I'm tired of talking about him, thinking about him, crying over him, but it's part of the process. Some days are easier, but there are days when I break down. And you know, I let myself go through it without feeling like there is something wrong with me.
I fell in love with a man who never had intentions on loving me. He used me, emotionally destroyed me, made me feel like I was worthless and unattractive, like I had to compete against other women for his affection, he'd get what he wanted out of me and then give me the stiff arm.
It was crazy. It was like one minute we were all on each other, in our love bubble, then the next minute he's texting other women right in my face or he's pushing me off of him because he never liked public displays of affection.
I thought it was because he was socially awkward, but it was a combination of the fact that he was sleeping with sooo many women while he was sleeping with me, that he was still trying to get back with his ex-fiance, and he was embarrassed to tell anyone he was messing around with me. He told people I was his business partner. So degrading. When I expressed my dislike of how he was describing me in public, he berated me so badly. It hurts even remember all of that stuff and to write about it. It stings me still.
He always made it clear he had an issue with my weight, although he met me and I was a thicker woman.
He tried to make me feel like I was inadequate somehow. Like I was only good enough to deal with behind closed doors and under the disguise of a business partner when we were out together.
He and other men have treated me badly, he was the worst. I fell for him because although he treated me horribly, he treated me well in the beginning and I already loved him. He was always difficult with affection, but he told me he loved me, he actually said it first, but then he did not want to be in a relationship with me.
I knew it would not last, but I found it hard to let go. I cried alot, ALOT. Most of the time he left me feeling lonely, sad, abandoned, taken for granted, thrown away like trash, inadequate.
I tried to stay away. I don't call or text. I cut communication down as much as I could. I did well for a few weeks. We almost went a whole month without speaking and then he popped up for my birthday. I declined to go to an event with him because I did not want him ruining my special birthday weekend. I cut him out intentionally.
So on my actual birthday, which was on a weekday, he called me, got mad that I did not invite him to my birthday party and then he invited me out. Normally he says something and never follows through.
He called me late, did not want to come pick me up, and took me to iHop (cheap). But while there, it was bad. He basically admitted that the reason he did not see me as valuable enough to be with was because of my weight. I was crushed. Then he made it clear he was only using my birthday to try to use me again. Crushed again.
Then he actually admitted that he had other plans but they fell through. Wow. This dude admitted to me that he chose me second, even on my birthday.
Up until that day we were still friends on Facebook. But that was the last tie. I think that was the last straw for me. I felt bad, miserable when I cut him off of social media. That was our way of keeping track of each other without having to talk to each other, but I need him gone.
He's not the nice guy I fell in love with. These guys are con artists. They are themselves emotional wrecks.
I have a budding business to run, a beautiful life to live with beautiful people who really love me.
I refuse to spend one more second allowing him to make more painful memories. I have enough dealing with the ones he already made.
It's hard to let go if what you thought existed. But when you realize that you lose nothing when you let go of the illusion of love. You gain actually. Your sanity, your peace of mind, your strength, your time. I still go through the motions, but I' m taking a break to focus on some things that make me happy. Some things that build me up and not tear me down. Some things that I can control. Things I can actually rely on and not feel like I have to do anything, or be anything more than my smart, beautiful, kind self.
Cutting these kinds of men out of our lives is like getting rid of cancer. It's a painful process, and you go through ups and downs, but in the end you're saving your life. Allowing them to continue to grow in your life will eventually kill you.
Patty says
What a horrible man, you are smart having no contact with him and to not have him in your life! I love your cancer analogy and I'm going to remember that as I try to not even think about the last man.... someone who I've realized does not deserve me. Stay strong, do things to treat and pamper yourself, you'll find someone 10 times better!
Jane says
oh Wise Chick, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't tell you how much your words resonate with me. I'm glad these words are meeting you right where you are. You have lost nothing, but you have gained everything in the process of letting this person go who for all his own issues is completely unable to give you what you so deserve. Not because of anything you did, or anything as superficial as he said, but because of his own demons. Come into the beautiful light of you and the beautiful life you've created for yourself. Surround yourself with all the people who love and support you, and use this time to fully become you again. You're never alone here, and you are loved and understood and celebrated here more than you know. He's not the guy you fell in love with; that was an illusion that you brought out in him. You're worth so much more than this!
Diane Durfee says
Thank you so much for your email. It was very inspirational and helped so much. I still have a lot of pain from losing a 4 year relationship and I thought he was the one. I am heart broken and devastated. It has been a month and I keep telling myself to take it day by day. My ex and I were friends before we dated so it makes it all the more difficult. He told me he doesn't want to lose me as a friend but doesn't want to get married. I feel like I am in limbo. We talk once a week on facebook and I have decided to limit any friendship to that only. I am not planning on seeing him for a long while. One of the most difficult parts of this situation is that his friends became my friends and I will miss my old social life as well. It has been so hard. I keep telling myself that it is always dark before the dawn and I will find new friends. Thank you so much for the email. I really appreciate it.
Jane says
I'm so glad this inspired you, Diane. "I keep telling myself that it is always dark before the dawn and I will find new friends" - yes, this is so true! oh how you will!
Crystal says
Wow I an relate to all of you! I dont know how women are the ones who are always getting hurt the most in relationships. How do the men we love and give everything to just move on without a second thought? I know that we deserve to be loved and treasured like we love and treasure our partners. This breakup was the most painfully devestating experience. It is like a death, although I think I would feel better if he had acutally died instead of leaving for someone else... The death of a relationship, friendships that you shared, memories, so many things. Its a process you have to go through and not around. It will make you stronger. Dont give up. We are never to old to learn and grow and eventually love again. Love yourself and be good to yourself, have faith and believe life will get better. Say affirmations out loud.
Jane says
Exactly, Crystal. Thank you for contributing to the conversation. You're never alone here!
Gia says
Jane, yes, I am in that situation right now... I feel like I cant breathe. My heart feels like its shriveling up. Me and my ex broke up 4 months ago. I am also going through the loss of my mom. He was my parachute and without him I am just spiraling out of control. I really want to believe what you say is true, that things will get better. I am taking small steps daily to move forward. I called him one final time last week and he was so cruel and said some things t me that were so mean and insensitive. I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment. I sent him one last letter and now I am moving on. That's what I keep saying... This too shall pass. It is not a good place to be in, but I do believe that things happen so we can learn the lessons we need to . Thanks for your letters and advice, I read them all.
RK says
So sorry Gia to hear about this. *hugs* I also recently reached out to my ex from months ago and was on the receiving end of comments that ripped me apart. Sometimes I think people convince themselves that the hurting party is just overreacting/creating unnecessary drama and respond in a cruel and exasperated manner instead of forcing themselves to acknowledge the painfulness of the situation. It's like acting callously is a defense mechanism to assuage their own guilt. So, I would try not to take it personally, but I of course know first-hand that it is extremely difficult to be objective when it hurts so badly. Sending you my very best wishes. You are definitely not alone and wonderful things are in store for you. <3
Jane says
Find that one place where you can breathe again, Gia. Go there, be there, even if it's only in your mind. It only has to be one. Find that one person who you can breathe around and be around them. Again, it only has to be one. Don't stay in the places or around the people where you feel like you can't breathe. Right now is about self-care, self-love, self-compassion, self-acceptance. That one last call told you so much! Is it enough now? Do you have all the information you need to set yourself free? I know it's hard to see this, but our darkest moments are the best places to be see things we could never otherwise see. Don't fight this - hold your sweet self through this! If we allowed these times to be the end of the story, we'd never see all the amazing life that follows!
Gia says
RK, thank you for the kind words... They mean a lot. He is just so immature I really just wanted to hold onto the good times and be able to smile, not just think of how it hurt in the end. I wish you luck with your situation. Good things are coming for us both!
Jane, yes this is enough info! it took getting hit over the head with a frying pan, but I got it! He was the only thing that made me feel safe after my mom passed, that is why I cant breathe. I just have to realize he is not my person anymore and try to make myself feel better. Thank you!
RK says
Thank you so much Jane for another right-on-the-mark article. Like your lovely reader Audrey commented above, I have journaled many of the exact lines from this piece. You truly have a gift with words and your compassion and empathy for your readers is so beautiful. Wishing you and all of your site visitors the very best in life and love. There is a reason that we were led to Jane's site for inspiration, understanding, and hope. 🙂 Big hugs to all.
Jane says
Thank you, RK. I'm so glad this piece resonated with you. Your beautiful words inspire me more than you know. 🙂
Sladja says
Thank you, Jane! Feeling your words, believing in becoming unlost!
Jane says
You go, Sladja! Feel them, embrace them, make them your own. Thank you. 🙂
Audrey says
This article literally felt like it was speaking to me directly. Even many of the words and phrase are what I have been telling myself and journaling about! Wow! What a gift and blessing this post is. I recently felt hurt by a guy I'd been getting to know for months. I've been wishing I could leave the state. I've been feeling so much regret that I let myself fall for his shallow charm. This article is helping me understand that I can't go back and undo my choice to trust him and give him a chance. But I can go forward and value myself more and learn what I need to learn to not repeat this.
Jane says
oh Audrey, don't be so hard on yourself here. It's these regrets we hold on so tightly to that never serve us well. You've got this! No, you can't go back an undo that choice, but you absolutely can go forward knowing more than you did before and with the determination to take things oh so slow next time before deciding whether someone is truly worthy of you! So glad this resonated with you - right where you are. 🙂
Deb says
Another great article. I am in that lost phase right now. I have been for about a year. I still function every day, have good friends and everyone says in doing well, but I know I'm not. I realize now that I was indeed lost long before the end of my relationship. I am having a hard time accepting it and working through it, though. Most days I want to run as far and as fast as I can, but know that I can't. I'm trying to do he hard work of becoming unlost, but I just can't seem to find the way. All my old ways of dealing with things are not working, and I just want to move on. I have hobbies I'm involved in service organizations, I go to church, I belong to a gym and i have friends. Somehow, I still feel like I'm missing the mark.
Jane says
Look at your assumptions about yourself, about who you are and what your "shoulds" are all about, Deb. Are you so focused on functioning every day, having good friends and putting forth an image of doing well that you're not being true to who you actually are deep down inside you? Sometimes, when we find the little girl inside us, we get a clue to this mark we feel we're missing as we discover there's so much more to who we are than that image we show the world. It's in reconciling the two, we find a real person we never even knew. Does that resonate at all with you?
Pam says
Jane, I feel like this every single day since my husband left me. I take really really tiny baby steps though and sometimes I fall back but I am determined to feel good again. I am so tired of always feeling lost and sad and heartbroken. I still feel that his infidelity had to be my fault though. He blamed me, his parents blamed me, his family blamed me. Can they all be wrong? I worked too hard. I spent too much time with my family. There were so many things they said I did wrong.
Now, he is with the perfect woman for him. She doesn't work. She only spends time with him and his family.
I keep reading your posts in hopes that one day, this lost feeling will disappear.
Jane says
Don't look for fault or blame, Pam; find the compassion and understanding instead that says regardless of who's "right" or "wrong", we all do the best we can with what we know at the time. And it always, always, takes two. What he has now is never as good as it looks, but to the ones who've been "left", we always feel like it is.
Shinelle West says
Hi Jane,
When I first started reading your advice I was so lost. I'd just gotten out of two bad breakups one after the next. They both went back to their ex. That crushed my spirits, broke my confidence, and put me in a depressive state. I couldn't even get out of the house and when I did I'd get anxiety attacks, my hands would shake, my chest would hurt, my legs would want to fall out from under me. I couldn't eat. I felt so alone. The reason I'm writing this is not because I'm feeling this way now but because by some happy accident I'd get your emails every day. This helped me so so much. I still do need help finding myself but I don't feel alone anymore even though I'm single. I just wanted to let you know that your advice has helped me alot and it felt like I really had someone there who really understood. Thanks so much for your help.
Shinelle
Jane says
oh Shinelle, you're so sweet! Thank you for sharing your story - and for your kind words. I'm so glad you're finding something here that's helping you through this - and giving you some hope. I understand more than you know!
Julie-Ann White says
I lost my other half almost 3 years ago, I really felt "lost". I took the time I needed for myself and eventually gave myself permission to look for another person in my life. After signing up for a dating site and possibly chatting with or meeting every married man in this town, I began to feel lost again. So it was back to ground zero for me and back to being alone and taking more time for myself. I still have lost days but I always find something for myself to do or go to find myself. I'm like my garden, a work in progress with no end in sight and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.
Jane says
Exactly, Julie-Ann!