The REAL Reason He Hasn’t Called

I remember it like it was just yesterday.

The conversation my single girlfriends and I would have over and over again.  Whenever one of us had just gone on a first or second date, or had been in a slow moving relationship with the typical non-committal guy we were in denial about.

The conversation always inevitably came around to “Why hasn’t he called?” 

It was always spoken with that combination of sadness and desperation, with a little trace of hope salted in.  We could have had a ringtone on our phones for it.  It was the tribal rallying cry, calling all of us together in support of the one whose turn it was to live it.

And then the conversation would begin, with us rehashing every single detail of what we had said and done, what he had said and done.  Every possible piece of conversation, body language, tone, nuance, and action was meticulously scrutinized as we tried to piece together the answer to that question that was eluding us once again: why hasn't he called?

And of course, as supportive girlfriends, we would all offer our best take on the situation, usually filled with lots hope, but with a little dose of realism thrown in, trying to make sense of a situation that doesn’t have much sense to it to begin with.

Until eventually, we would run out of possibilities and resign ourselves to either waiting it out some more, or relieving our anxiety by just calling him ourselves.

Well, after asking the same question myself more times than I would like to admit, and hearing it from my girlfriends about the same number of times, I know the answer that we all really knew even back then.

That the real reason he hasn't called is because this guy is just not that interested.  At least right now.

I know; that’s hard to hear.

But would it make it easier to hear it if you knew how much the realization could save you so much heartbreak?  Would it help to know that by realizing the truth now, before you put so much of your body, heart, and soul into this relationship, you could save yourself from so much more pain down the road?

Because here’s the thing, if he’s interested in you, nothing will be able to keep him from calling you.

Guys aren't like that.

When they’re interested, they keep trying. Until you clearly let them know you’re not interested – and even then, they sometimes don’t get it and keep trying.

Now I know there are some really, really shy guys out there who you might be thinking are the exception. But if you’re putting out subtle hints to this guy you’re interested in that you really are interested in him, he’s going to get the hint and respond.

By calling  you!

Even if he’s on the shy side. And with a guy who’s a player, well, there’s no stopping him. In the beginning, he’s calling you … a lot. But if it seems that the calls start to be growing farther apart, be forewarned.

That’s a fairly common characteristic with the type of guy who’s broken more than his share of hearts.

Just ask all my single friends. But guys just aren't wired to sit back and wait for you to call them. They’re into pursuing. And calling.

Because a genuinely interested guy wants to get to know you. He wants to spend time with you. He wants to find out who is this beautiful woman known as you. He wants to find out if the two of you might be compatible. He wants to find out if you’re interested. If he’s interested.

Now, there’s also the chance of the guy being confused by the so-called three day rule, made infamous in the movie Swingers back in the 90’s. Unfortunately, if he falls into this category it’s a sign of bigger issues, which is a topic for another post.

If this is the case, you may want to, one time, explain to him that the three day rule is absolutely ridiculous, forgive him for his uninformed folly, and give him one more chance to get it right.

The other possibility is that he might be interested in you, but he might not be interested in a relationship. And that means he might not call right away either.

So don’t take it too personally.

It’s not about you as much as it’s about him being in a relationship in general. Because let’s face it, some guys aren't sure what they want, some guys are a little confused, some guys are a little (or a lot) scared, and some guys aren't mature enough to know what they’re doing.

And if you’re giving off the vibe that you’re interested in a relationship and he isn't, then chances are good that he won’t call or he’ll delay calling for a while. But that’s a good thing – because then you know what you’re dealing with.

Do you get that?

You’re being saved from more heartbreak down the road.

Trust me on this one - there’s nothing worse than being led on with your full heart into a guy only to find out later you’re both on opposite sides of the page when it comes to commitment. That’s the stuff sad songs are made of. So don’t despair if your phone isn't ringing.

Take it as a sign.

And if you’re not convinced, by all means, come right out and talk to him or call him if that will make you feel better. To know. He might not be able to come right out and be direct himself, but at least he’ll know for sure where you stand. And if he’s not the right one, well, consider yourself lucky to be finding out early on.

P. S. Just in case you were wondering, while there is a very small chance that the guy that hasn't called is lying injured in a ditch somewhere and can’t reach his cellphone, it’s really quite unlikely.

As much as that might be easier on us if it were true.


  1. Sabrina Folies says

    Hey, I agree with the whole piece and it actually helped me to read that perhaps it's not that the guy is not interested in me, but maybe he's not interested in a relationship. Anyway I just don't understand why at the end of the post you had to contradict the whole point by writing "well if you really want to then call him."
    I am not going to call this guy because I am sure he knows where to find me, and if he was decently interested in me he'd know that the longer he waits, the more chances are I will be BUSY by then (hopefully with another date, or maybe with my shrink! Can't be sure about that :(

    • Jane says

      Because, Sabrina, sometimes, no matter how much we hear that he will call if he's interested in us and a relationship and won't if he's not, so many of us still want to believe that our particular situation is different, that somehow there's something more to our story and the particular guy we're talking about. So my point is that if, even after hearing this, and even if it makes logical sense in our heads that an interested guy will call and that silence means he is not, many of us have a hard time moving on and letting go without something from him, even if it's more silence. So for those of us who simply need to keep trying, to keep attempting to get some closure from him, an explanation or something more concrete than that silence, it's not going to change anything to call him. If you need to that badly, then following a "rule" not to call him, can be so much harder on us than reaching out and getting more of nothing from him, or getting a false answer that often comes when a guy is put on the spot who isn't comfortable with such direct communication. It's a journey to get to that place where we can simply say "next!" when he doesn't call, and refuse to take it personally. A journey that each of us comes to in our own time and in our own individual ways. It sounds like you have figured this out, Sabrina, and that is no small thing! :-)

  2. Carina says

    I'm not good with relationships, hence reading this article, but think at some point especially the older we get and the more experience we have, the more we were hurt, the easier it gets to just say NEXT and not pursue something that actually felt right. But so what if you're rejected? At least you were true to yourself and gave it a try.
    I don't believe all guys are the same, it's not easy for me to be attracted to some guy, so I don't want to say NEXT before I'm sure that guy isn't worth it after all. I also have my issues and would like him to be patient and understanding before easily moving on to the next girl =/

    • Jane says

      So true, Carina; it's that experience that can only come from going through this as many times as we may need to before we're ready to see the light and do something different, that gets us to that confident place of "Next!" :-)

  3. Jackie says

    The reasons may be different but the action is the same. Regardless of the reason, one has to force themselves to be in the "next" mindset. I really liked someone who didn't call back and brushed me off. I discovered "Next" by Debi Berndt, a meditation, and keep listening to it as I meet new people.

    • Jane says

      So true, Jackie; it really is a mindset that covers everything! Thanks for sharing and for the meditation recommendation.

  4. Stephanie says

    I'm 23 and joined OkCupid! about a month ago. I went out with this guy last week - although I had seen his pictures, it still felt like a blind date! My heart was racing before we finally met, but it went away pretty quickly when I saw him. His profile said he was 5'11", but he was more like 5'9." We went to a cafe and had a cup of coffee. This was my first date in about 8 months... I suck at dating!

    TO make the long story short - our date was on Saturday, he texted me on Monday... it's now Thursday.. it's been 3 days! I'm hoping he hasn't watched Swingers! I look back on our date and kinda wished I had shown more interest in me. I suck at flirting... need to work on that.

    But I need to accept that meeting the love of your life is going to take time... it's not gonna be the first guy you meet from OkCupid!

    • Jane says

      I think many of us have felt the same way at some point in our dating lives, Stephanie - so try not to be so hard on yourself. :-) If it's meant to be, it will be, because if someone on the same page as you, he will want to find out more about you and will actively be pursuing you and letting you know. If he hasn't called, it's often for the best if we are open to seeing it that way.

      You're so right to realize that it's about accepting that it takes time, and sometimes a lot of unexpected twists and turns along the way, before you will meet that special someone. If you can remember that you are so young, and have so much to offer, and so much to discover about life and love and yourself along the way - and view this as an adventure and not a mission - you will make this all so much easier on yourself.

  5. Daneas says

    I love your article! I am currently going through this situation. I met a guy in the Dominican Republic and for three days he was all over me. This was a big party weekend so it was odd. Like he came to my door every night and made his intentions clear. On his last night he asked if I was interested in keeping in touch and I told him of course. After getting my number he also told me he would not be calling me right away. We fooled around that night and the next morning before he left he found me to say goodbye and said he would call. Well I have been back for 4 days now and no call. I know it may be premature but I just don't understand what could have happened.

    • Jane says

      Welcome, Maddy! So glad you found your way here; check back often to be part of any and all discussions! :-)

  6. Dana says

    I know we said situation = different but result = same. He is not calling. My situation I really haven't come across. Met a great guy three weeks ago. He did the initiating and I was the right level of responsive. He's older than me, divorced 10 years and has a successful small business for 28 that he's rather hands on with. Previously was a HS basketball coach and goes to mass every Sunday. Found out we grew up in the same city and we actually knew some of the same people from back in the day. Very affectionate, asked for more pics. We kissed but never slept together but was talking about it. Having own busn was hard to make advanced plans and also then not ODing on texting and emailing. Had a falling out on outlooks re US history, then I was very stressed over a filing at work and over an issue that flared up with my ex. He didn't like that I was salty over the ex issue and thought I needed to take some time to get over/resolve better our issues. I did say to him that I wished I'd met him a little later because I was recently new to dating again. He said we and I had a great deal of potential but I needed to think about what I really wanted and make sure the ex issues are really resolved. We have not talked since. I've reached out but not chased or behaved needy. I was thinking of looking him up in 6 or 9 months because I think he's right about his recommendation. What do you think?

    • Jane says

      Whenever an ex is still in the picture enough to cause an issue in a new relationship, Dana, that's usually a red flag that there's still some time and space needed before entering into a new relationship with someone else.

      It sounds like both of you are in agreement on this, so I don't think there's anything wrong with looking him up again when you feel like you've resolved whatever issues came up with your ex, and you're truly ready for someone new in your life, and not so recently out of a relationship.

      Rebounds are always something to be aware of, and it sounds like he's being cautious to make sure you're both on the same page, which is a very healthy thing! Trust that if there is something there for both of you, you'll know, and time won't be an issue. When it's meant to be, the timing is always right.

  7. Kitty says

    I recently broke up with my long term boyfriend and it has been quite tough. I am therefore hugely on the rebound and find myself switching from likeing guy to guy. I met this guy at a house party a fortnight ago - we hit it off, went back to his and slept together. I was happy, it was fun and it was a good distraction. As I was leaving the next morning, I knew in my mind that that was it and I wasn't going to see him again and that didnt bother me. But then he asked for my number - which I gave to him. I wish I hadnt though now as I find myself checking my phone to see if he has messaged etc. This makes me cross... why would he ask for my number if he wasnt going to message back? What makes me more cross is that i wasnt even interested and now he isnt messaging me - I want to see him again!

    • Jane says

      So many possible reasons, Kitty; none of which really have anything to do with you, but everything to do with him. He may have felt like it was the right thing to do to make him feel better about himself - to ask for your number so that it wouldn't appear to be just a one night thing for him. Remember that he might not know that you were ok with your time together just being a fun distraction. I know it's maddening when something like this happens, and you're left wondering why and then when.

      Remind yourself what you already know to be true; you don't know him well enough to know if you even really want him calling you. Obviously, there was a reason you gave him your number, so don't be too hard on yourself. We've all done things that we regret, but know that it's so much better to find out that he's not following through now, then after he'd been calling for awhile only to stop calling.

      And sometimes, this type of scenario triggers that feeling of wanting to be wanted even if we're not really interested, so check in with yourself to see if that might be going on for you as well, in which case, you can put that in perspective and move on knowing it really doesn't matter. When you're with someone who's right for you, you'll both be on the same page. He'll be wanting to call you and you'll be wanting him to call you. That's the way it's meant to be!

      • Kitty says

        You are completely right - It was that feeling of being wanted that made me give him my number - even though deep down I had no interest in staying in contact. I guess I just don't like that feeling of not being in control of the situation, and feel that he now has the upper hand as I messaged him and he never responded.

        However, I have to stop beating myself up about it and just move on.. Like you said, its just nice to know that you are wanted - so when this happens you obviously feel the opposite.. I have learnt my lesson though. That was my 1st one night stand and Im not sure if I would like to do it again. Its crazy how extreme my emotions are at the moment - its been 2 months since my break up and I am just so up and down.

        • Jane says

          Give yourself time to heal, Kitty; going through a break up is never easy, regardless of how long it's been. We all have different timetables on how long the process of letting go and moving on takes, and most of us experience all kinds of emotional highs and lows as we go through it. I've found the most loving we can do for ourselves is to take a break from dating and relationships completely during this time, and simply focus on the beautiful person know as you for a change. Who are you? What do you like to do? What makes you happy, inspired, excited, passionate, etc.? What would you like to try that you never thought you could do? What makes you strong? What do you want your life to look like?

          Sometimes when we're in a relationship, we can be so focused on someone else or on ourselves in relation to that person, that we forget to give ourselves that same kind of attention until we're alone and find ourselves forced to finally spend some time really getting to know ourselves better. It's then that we often find that what we're looking for isn't necessarily what we thought we wanted or what we held onto so tightly as if it was the only thing that mattered. While there may be so much pain in those goodbyes, there is so much more to life and love if we open our eyes and our hearts and see all that is waiting for us to embrace, even if it comes from the ashes of a broken heart.

          Much love to you, Kitty. You will get there, too!

          • Kitty says

            Thank you Jane. You really have brightened up my day :) I will keep on looking out for your posts - they all really do hit the nail on the head!

  8. Confused says

    Hi Jane. I met this guy and we talked everyday for a month and a half. We hooked up a few times and it was really really good... He left for 3 weeks of work and we texted, talked, and sent pics to each other everyday. He was totally into me. He came back from work, stayed at my house for 2 days and had a really good time together. I know he doesn't want a relationship, and either do I. After those 2 days, he didn't call me for 2 days. So I called him and told him I felt disrespected that he didn't even text or call me. Then he didn't call me the day after that. So I calmed him and he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue seeing me, that he'd have to think about it. This I think from me telling him that I'm into him, even though he said he likes me too. So now it's been 5 days since we last talked. Do you our friends with benefits thing is over because of me telling him I felt disrespected and putting expectations on him?
    Thanks for listening

    • Jane says

      It sounds like you found what was really there, Confused. You let him know your terms - what you are willing and not willing to put up with! - by telling him how you felt when he didn't call or text you, and he's responded by pulling back and showing you where he's at. Obviously you both have different expectations of what a friends with benefits relationship means to each of you.

      Don't second guess yourself; you obviously felt strongly enough about the disrespect you felt to call him on it, so look at this as a reality check with him. If you standing up for yourself and letting him know how you felt and what your terms are were reason enough for him to stop contacting you, it is so much better that you found this out! What you really want is someone who's on the same page as you, regardless of what that page is, and now you can decide where you want to go from here knowing more about him!

  9. emma says

    Hello Jane,
    Your article really struck a cord as I'm passing through these stages as we speak.
    I recently went on a first date with a guy I met on a dating website. It was a fun date and we were laughing and talking the whole time. At the end he said it was lovely meeting you and we should meet again. I'm a busy person but now I'm so distracted he hasn't called. I feel slightly more awkward since I initiated the interest for the first date. Its been 2 days . He genuinely seemed interested and a confident and nice guy.
    Well I hope he calls as in definitely not calling now.
    In the past I've rushed relationships and not taken things slow so t
    Hope I don't make the mistake again.
    Thanks for lending an ear to my flutterings

    • Jane says

      So glad this resonated with you, Emma. Remember that you really don't know if he's even someone you want to be calling you until you've had a chance to get to know him better. If you don't get that chance, then you actually have your answer already. Take your time; know that if someone is right for you - if you're both on the same page and want the same thing - you never need to rush things. Time is the only way to really get to know someone and find out if they're worth your beautiful time and energy!

  10. Tori says

    So I am currently dealing with this situation, and I think that--most likely--he's just not that interested. Which really sucks :( But I'm conflicted and doubting whether or not he is interested or if he just sucks at communication because (and here's my story in a nutshell...) After I met him, and he asked for my number, he texted me to give me his number, and I replied, but he never did after that. So right off the bat, his texting communication sucks. I didn't worry about it because I ended up seeing him (by chance) again two days later, at which point he asked if I wanted to spend some time with him that weekend. We hung out, it was great, but then after that he didn't text me or call me AT ALL for an entire week. I texted *him* to ask him if he wanted to go out with me and some friends the next weekend, and he passed on it. He still made zero contact with me until I ran into him, again by chance, five or six days later. We talked for a few minutes, and he said "We should do something this week," and I was all for it, so he did (Finally) text me the next day to ask me out for that Friday. We went on a date on that Friday, and ended up having dinner with his family (very casually, not a big deal) on that Sunday. After that, he AGAIN didn't text me or call me. I texted him at the end of the week, and after I texted him he did ask me if I wanted to go dancing that saturday. Then we hung out again on sunday. I went out of town for a week, and have been back for almost a week (1 and a half weeks since I've seen him). He hasn't texted me or contacted me at all since the last time we hung out before I left.

    Here's my point: I have texted him first almost every single time. BUT He has always asked me if I want to do something. No one force him to. Granted, it's been AFTER I text him, and although I don't suggest anything, it worries me that he only bothers to ask me if I want to spend time with him when I contact him.

    When we do spend time together, it is *amazing*, so much fun. He's held my hand, he's kissed me, and when we were together there was no doubt in my mind that he was interested (and not just on a physical level.) But now he has--again--not bothered texting or calling or anything. I'm here going crazy because I'm so head-over-heels for this boy.

    Is he using me? Is he interested and just ridiculously terrible at communication? The reason I'm doubting is because this is a pattern: He has ALWAYS been terrible at contacting me. He is in college, and has a job, and has family in the area that he spends time with--so I know he's busy. But still. If he is interested, I would think he would eventually contact me right? I know he's probably just...not that into me. And I'm coming to terms with that. But, because of the strangeness of the situation (him not texting, but then when we spend time together acting very interested) I'm super confused!

    Any opinions would be welcome. Give it to me straight.

    • Jane says

      It sounds like you've found a guy who's great at responding but not so great at initiating, Tori. It's always so much easier for them to respond, rather than to initiate communication when they're really not that committed or interested in any kind of a real relationship, so my guess is that's exactly what's going on for him. It happens all too often, and can be so frustrating because it doesn't make any sense to us, but that's because we're not them! The best thing to do in this situation is to give him some space and see what he does with it. What happens if you don't contact him at all? Of course you can't help it if you run into him, but if you don't contact him other than that, see if he steps up his communication and actually initiates anything with you, or if all you get is more silence.

      That's how you ultimately know what's going on with someone like this; you back off and live your own life and forget about him as much as you can - I know, that's so much easier said that done! - and see if he comes closer or stays at that distance. In the meantime, don't wait around for him to come around; get involved in your own life and seeing what and who else is out there for you so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much to you. If there's something really there between the two of you - and he's ready for it and on the same page as you - you'll know because he'll rise to the occasion. If he doesn't, don't take it personally; all kinds of guys love the time you're together, but aren't on the same page to actually do any of the work to make it happen. If that's the case, ask yourself what you really have, because if those are his terms and you're not ok with living with them, then you aren't truly compatible!

  11. dee says

    Sadly i have been put in limbo by a guy who was texting me non stop and then suddenly stopped. Not being one who deals well with games and bs i called him out on it. He said that he was sorry and was dealing with some serious stuff that he never meant to cut me off because his ex did that to him so he will not do that. I flat out said if you're not interested you're not...I'm a big girl i can handle it. His reply...i am but its just not the right time for me. The convo continued and he repeated his apology and told me he just needed some time. Now as someone who has dealt with serious issues i can understand and appreciate him not wanting to make his issues my issues as i have avoided relationships for that reason...that is if he is telling the truth...i wanted closure but ended up being more confused. Haven't heard from him in over a week not sure if i should text him a hey u alive? Ya awesome.. Or just let it be and move on

    • Jane says

      It sounds like he's made it clear that the best thing for you to do is let it be and move on, Dee. But know that it won't change anything either way, whatever you decide to do here. Make this about you and choose to do whatever will give you the greatest sense of peace and calm in your own life, and whatever will leave you with the least amount of regret.

      If he needs time, there's a reason, but don't take any of this personally. If he's not there on the same page as you, looking for the same thing you are, be glad you're finding this out early on so you don't waste any more of your beautiful time and energy on someone who's not where you are! If he's interested in you, but wants to first sort our his own issues, know that you'll be the first to know when he is ready, and then you can decide what to do then. But if he doesn't get there, the last thing you want to do is wait around for someone to come around.

      When someone's ready for you - and wants to pursue a relationship with you - you'll know because someone who wants to be with you won't have reasons or excuses why he can't, and he'll be on the same page and ready and willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's always the very least of what you deserve, my beautiful friend!

      • dee says

        Thanks...i suppose i made a mistake in telling him that if i needed to sit back and wait i would...because i thought he might be worth it. That is when he responded with thank you and i am sorry i just need some time. Kinda just want to text him and tell him i won't wait and when he's ready msg me and we shall see where we both are at. Decisions decisions

  12. Emma says

    Hi Jane,

    I met someone online and we texted for a week before meeting up. On Sunday we had our first date and it was brilliant but we ended up sleeping together, this was also really good.
    The next day he text me straight away and that evening we saw each other again. Yesterday he text me to say that he felt really good because of me. He hasn't text me since yesterday. I've deleted his number so I am not attempted to text him, I feel like he needs to get in touch now, I don't want to be the just for sex girl.
    I broke up with a long term boyfriend last year and it has been really tough, i don't know if my self confidence can handle this guy not getting in touch.
    I hope this is coherent, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Jane says

      Know that if someone is right for you, Emma, you'll know because they'll be the one initiating contact and making sure you know they're interested in you. Try to switch this around so you can view this in a way that doesn't have you taking what he does or doesn't do so personally. You only want someone in your life who is on the same page as you, who is looking for the same thing you are and wants the same thing as you do - with you!

      If he was only looking for "the sex girl", and that's not what you want to be, then if he doesn't contact you, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, my beautiful friend! It just means you're on two different pages and you're always so much better off finding this out now, before you're any more invested in him, than down the road when you're that much more likely to be heartbroken.

      What someone does or doesn't do is never a rejection of you, but a reality check of whether you're both truly compatible and on the same page. Tell your self-confidence that you what someone does or doesn't do, is never a reflection of you, but of them! By giving him the space to come to you - like you're doing - you'll find out where he stands and what he's looking for by what he does with it.

      Remember that you're the one doing the choosing here, Emma, and you really don't even know him well enough to know if you even want him in your life! He has to prove that he's worthy of your beautiful self and all you have to offer before you give him anymore of your you!

  13. Cecilia says

    Jane, I can't tell you how much this article and your website has helped me.
    My best guy friend of nearly 5 years and I have been dating for about a month and a half now. I have had feeling for him for awhile now, so I came into the relationship already having pretty strong feelings. I’m worried I came off too strong (in fact I’m certain I did) and now I believe he got freaked out and is retreating.
    Today marks a week since he last called/text. I have spent the better part of week with all sorts of scenarios running through my head and feeling depressed. Our families are friends (that’s how we meet) and I recently learned from my aunt that his grandpa passed away on Monday. My annoyance turned to concern so I called him last night to see how he was doing. I got voicemail. I've done what I can. If he wants to get in touch he knows how, no excuses. Meanwhile I will continue living my life, doing the things that make me happy. Thank you for helping me reach this conclusion and be completely okay with it.

    • Jane says

      I'm so glad this is all helping you through this, Cecilia. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this for what it really is - and realizing this isn't about you at all! You can never come across too strong - or too much of anything! - for someone who's right for you!

  14. Nina says

    You are probably right, Jane, if after a date the guy does not call, it is probably because he is not into you. Nothing more to say. Case closed. Move on right?

    However if we trust John Grey, the author of "Mars and Venus on a date", he believes that it is actually pretty normal for almist any guy to be "not that much into you" or rather backing off to work through his doubts at this stage. He calls it uncertainty stage. He claims that pretty much all relationships go through that stage. That most guys back of at some point and by backing off they just give us women a chance to select guys who are right for us by mildly and appropriately pursuing them. Think about it, if a guy committed to go on a date with you he probably is into you. Or at least was into you at some point. So now for some reason he feels different. Why? Could it be just a subjective temporary feeling? I think it very much could be. Couls he be wrong feeling that way? I think he very much could be. And perhapse it is the perfect time for a woman to play her part to help him live through this feeling of confusion and uncertainty without completely makong herself into a doormat but also without the risk of permanently losing the right guy. Things do mot always need to be black or white and at uncertainty stage they are more like different shades of grey. His feeling of uncertainty could be something like this : "Yes, she does look pretty, and I did like her the first time I saw her. But now we spoke and I feel confused. Does she really like me bavk or is she the kind of girl, who is just using guys? Could she be into me, or is she still too much into that ex bf she mentioned?" It is quite possible at this stage for a guy to like a girl, yet still be working through some of his doubts. So I would say if you think he is worth your while, by all means call. Jyst do not be mad, upset, confrontational or pressuring. Call to thank him for the nice date, or ask him a question, or ask him to help you with something etc. Well, maybe he is not that much into you right now, but maybe if he gets to know you a bit more eventually he could be. If he is not calling you anyway, there is nothing much to lose, and who knows maybe something did happen and there is a valid reason why he did not call. But if there is none and he truly and finally decided that he dies not want to date you, then at least you'll know.

  15. Wondered Mind says

    Hey jane

    I have met a guy 2 months ago, who thought "I was amazing" (because he told our mutual friends) then we dated few times, and both of us were travelling for work - but we certainly tmade sure we will see each other whenever we could.

    Then for some reason during his last visit to NY(he is American and we both live in London ), he has became distant and so withdrawn. I have confronted him earlier this week, and he explained it's too much pressure from work, also there are still feelings/communication with the ex whom cheated on him. Since then he emailed me very casually(we use to contact each other with every possible date divise than just emailing), but I didn't reply because I wanted him to come and start chase me more. The result is I haven't heard from him since I haven't replied his email - and where do I go from here?

    He is very smart, and successful - I really miss the little moments we shared, and all the silly little jokes - but I also don't want to entering any games. I'm really too old and too busy for this, and I wonder if it was all about the game. Because at the very beginning when he was chasing me(and I wasn't very interested) he was just far more attentive, and I felt his warmth towards me, and he will say things to indicate the very near future(little romantic break somewhere, watching film at home with 20 bags of popcorns..) then it all stopped. - and now it seems he just really doesn't care at all

    It's annoying and confusing - what shall I do?

    Thanks for listening

  16. Natasha says

    So I have been talking to this guy I met online for about 3 weeks and then he asked me out for coffee. The date went awesome we sat at Starbucks and spoke for 3 hours! That was on Sunday. He messaged me Tuesday asking if I wanted to go out on Valentine's Day! So throughout the week he was messaging, letting me know where we will be going. He picked me up on Friday, took me to dinner, and a comedy show. Everything went well. He was touchy-feely, but in a nice way. I was getting a very shy vibe off of him. I'm kinda more aggressive but held back as I did not want to look crazy touching him LOL. He dropped me off I told him i had a great time and he said he did too. Gave him a hug even though I wanted to kiss him, I could tell he was super shy, so I just gave a hug. Next morning I texted "Thanks for planning an awesome Valentine's Day. Had a blast.!" He's like "I'm glad you did. So did I :)" That was on Saturday. It is now Tuesday and I have still not heard from him. Just confused as everything in my eyes went well. If he does not message I will be moving on ASAP. LOL Thanks!

  17. NicoleJ says

    HI I was wondering if you could give me some advice. A guy from town recently left and since he left I realise how much I actually miss seeing him when I go for walks with my dog, at school pickups etc. He showed many signs that he was attracted to me turned up wherever I was, always big smiles, hellos, how are you, blushed etc. I wasn't sure if he was my type nor was I ready for anything at first but after about a year of this, things changed I started to like him. Then all of a sudden he left . So being my immature self I sent a letter to his old house giving him my number in case he ever wanted to catch up hoping that his ex who moved in there would pass on the letter marked personal. That was 12 days ago that he would have received it and now nothing, no call, I though am having problems doing that move on/next thing and am confused as I know that he did like me, I just was confused when his ex and him had crossover for a week I thought she was moving back with him so I kind of snubbed him just before he left and now I feel bad!

    • Jane says

      Don't feel bad, Nicolej. It sounds like he was confused too, and didn't really know what he wanted either. It's easier to make the assumption that someone is looking for the same thing you are and interested in you because he seems to give you all the signals that show he is, but you can never know for sure what else if going on inside them. You've done what you could be sending the letter, don't feel bad about that, and now you know more by his lack of a response. Don't take it personally; this is always about what page someone else is on and never has anything to do with you, as much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise. Someone who wants to be with you will always make sure you know!

  18. Sydney says

    First off, I really liked your article. It was kind of a relief to just think to myself, "Okay, so he's probably not that interested, just move on."

    Here's my story: I'm 22, was a virgin until I met this guy. The first time we met, I told him about my situation, I've never been the kind that was waiting for marriage or anything, things just never felt right. Anyways, the first time we met actually, we got really drunk and ended up having sex. (He's a year younger by the way). So, after that happened, the next morning he asked if he could text me in a few weeks when he's back in town. (He lives about an hour and a half away from where I live, for school). I said yes, and we didn't really communicate at all until about two weeks later when he texted me and asked how I'd been. We talked for a little, and then that weekend he ended up coming to my town. His parents live in my area, but they've only recently moved here and so he doesn't know the city that well. Since I also still live at home, having a place to go has been difficult. Anyways, he asked if he could take me out for dinner and a movie. The date went well, and we went our separate ways at the end of the night without hooking up. Fast forward to next weekend, he texted me again saying he was in town and he took me out to another movie. No hooking up this time either. After that, another week went by and he came up for the weekend since his parents were out of town. We spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday together that weekend at his parents' place. He bought steaks to cook for us on Friday night for dinner, and he took me to an aquarium on Sunday. We got along well and had fun hanging out when we did. He always says, "You're really laid back and chill, you're fun to hang out with, etc." The weekend after that he also came up, and we spent another night at his parents' house, on a Saturday. We watched a movie at his place and obviously fooled around. The last two times we've hung out we've gotten drunk, and he always brings up the fact I've never had a boyfriend.. etc. Along the lines of, "so you've never been in a serious relationship? Why?" "So I'm the first person you've been with? Why?" and every time I answer, "Well, I have never really wanted a boyfriend." Now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have said that. Does that come across as not wanting one still? Anyways, from the get-go I've kind of made it seem like all I was interested in was experimenting... since I've never really been with anyone. The only problem is, I'm starting to develop feelings. Which is unfortunate. It's now been about 9 days since we last saw each other, he didn't drive up this last weekend, and he never texts during the week. The no texting while he's out of town is starting to bother me. Like, why only text when you'll be in town? Why don't you see how I'm doing during the week, even if you're busy at school? I've come to the conclusion he's just not interested in me or doesn't want a relationship. I'm only the second girl he's been with, and I'm not sure he's ever been in an actual relationship either.. I'm not sure I'm okay with just hooking up now, so I'm kind of confused as to what to do next time he's in town. I'd like to keep him in my life, but I'm not content with just randomly hooking up anymore. And I don't see how a long distance relationship could work?

    Some advice would be really great!

    • Jane says

      It's always in the space that you give someone that you find out how much space they want, Sydney. So the reason why he doesn't text you during the week "just to see how you're doing" is because he's not interested in that part of you. The reason why he's "randomly hooking up" with you is because that's what he wants - and what you're giving him. He has no reason to do anything different if you're giving him everything he wants. Regardless of how you started out, if your feelings have changed and you want more than he's willing to give, there's nothing wrong with you and what you want - and no, you're not expecting too much! With someone who's on the same page - who wants the same thing you do - all those things you want, he'll want to!

      It takes time to get to know someone, real time, not just over texts, not just over random hookups. Make sure someone's worthy of you before you decide he's the type of person you want to develop feelings for. You already know this for yourself with your words "I've come to the conclusion he's just not interested in me or doesn't want a relationship." Exactly! You're worth so much more than what you're giving yourself away for!

      • Sydney says

        You're right. Before I get even more involved in the situation, I think I'm going to end it. If he contacts me, I'll just let him know I'm not interested in our current arrangement anymore. A little hurt now is better than a lot of hurt later I suppose!

        Thanks for the advice.

        • Jane says

          You're welcome, Sydney. Our choices are not always easy, but when you choose what brings you the most peace and happiness and what leaves with you the least amount of regrets, you discover the choice that is right for you!

  19. Ann says

    Hi Jane. I hope you can give me some insight. 3 wks ago I got back in contact with a guy I went to high school with. We are 45 & 46 now. We work opposite schedules but the first few days we talked for hours on the phone & would text quite a bit. We got together & hung out a couple of times & we both had a great time. However he was recently out of a relationship & had said he wasn't ready for anything serious etc. I'm ok with this as ive been separated for 1 1/2 yrs & am currently just waiting for the final decree to process through the courts. However I do have some feelings for him but due to the situation I don't want to get to serious. All of a sudden one day he had said he was going to call me that night & didn't. The next day he didn't call or text & also didn't answer mine. When it got very late & time for him to get off work I still had not heard from him. I freaked out because I thought he had gotten hurt or something. We spoke about it the next night & I told him i thought something had happened & I was worried. I also found out that it had only been 3 wks since since his relationship had ended & I assumed it had been at least a few months. That one bit of information seemed to cause it all to make sense & helped me to realize I need to chill some. That weekend we went out again & had a blast again. We talked that night & we both talked about how much we enjoy talking to each other. Since then he has not texted or called & he has answered a text & a couple of calls & in one of them he was concerned due to work issues. I had tried to contact him as a concerned friend to see how things worked out with work & he didn't respond to the text. Later he did answer a call & said he actually didn't work that night. He also said "I guess you can tell that relationships/dating freaks me out?". I said "yes but we're just friends remember?" He said "I know". After that phone call I really felt that he has some feelings for me but things were moving too fast and really scared him since he so recently ended the prior relationship. At that point I decided it would be best for me to back off & let him contact me when he has calmed down as the last thing I want to do is make it worse. I was driving home this afternoon after going to eat with a friend & ended up behind him after he left work. I blew my horn & waved. He ended up pulling over which I wasn't intending him to do. We talked for a few minutes & he said that things were moving too fast & he dialed it back a bit because he's not ready for a full on relationship. I told him I understand that & I'm not either. I know he is the kind of person (from school) that doesn't sugar coat things & doesn't hesitate to say what he wants to say. I also know that he & I both really enjoy each other's company & talking to each other. We even kissed good bye. I'm ok with dating casually & being friends but right now I really don't know what he is wanting from me. Just friendship or does he just want a slower relationship with going out here and there but no tied down commitment?

    My question now is: what do I do at this point? Do I act like we are just friends until I hear from him or do I not make any contact at all?

    There is really so much more in the conversations & body language etc that makes me feel like there are feelings there but I cannot explain or put into words.

    Thank you

  20. Becky says

    Hi jane
    Im in a similar position too as some of these girls
    I was at a music festival with some friends a couple of weeks ago
    I have been happily single for a while after having a few bad short relationships that were rushed into cos the guys were full on and they knocked my confidence.
    So on the first night i went to the bar and when i came back i couldnt find my friends ln the crowd as it was too busy, there were thousands of people
    I was in my own world trying to spot my friends and this guy asked if i was ok
    Told him i was trying to find my friends as they were around there somewhere
    He said that i would never find them in all those people and said i could stay by them if i wanted
    So we got chatted and i spoke to his friends too who were nice
    We were on the same campsite so we started walking back together chatting. We ended up losing his friends so i asked him if he wanted to stay up and have a drink in the campsite bar
    We bought me a drink, we chatted lots again about all sorts life, families etc bands we liked, then he kissed me and he was affectionate putting his arm round me and holding my hand when walking me back to my tent
    I liked him because he was a gentleman and one of the first men ive met for years who didnt want to rush me into bed
    He walked me to my tent, asked for my number so we could meet the next evening then went back to his
    We were texting through the day trying to
    Meet but i suggested we both just have fun with our friends and meet up after the last band so we did
    His friends had gone and he was on his own waiting for me but my friends all came over to meet him with me. Said hello then left us alone, we went to the bar again, chatted for a couple of hours
    He was giving me compliments and kissed me again, walked me to my tent and went back to his again and asked me to call him when we get back so we can meet up, this was the sunday night

    He texted me on the tuesday to ask how i was and that he had just recovered, we texted back and forth a bit always with him initiating then on the weds he asked if i wanted to meet
    I had plans at the weekend but agreed to meet him on the following monday
    We texted me the day before and said he was looking forward to it
    Our first sober date went really well, it lasted 6 hours, we never ran out of things to talk about, had a lot of common interests and seemed relaxed with each other
    We went for dinner, then for a drink, then to the cinema, i thought he would have wanted to leave after the cinema as it was getting to the time he usually goes to
    Bed ready for work but he asked me if i wanted
    To stay out for another drink and we chatted some more
    He made good eye contact and was putting his arm round me on the date so i
    Responded the same

    As we were leaving he said that it was nice to see me again and kissed me
    I texted to check if he got home ok, he said he did and asked if i did
    Then the next evening i asked how he was, said i hoped he wasnt too tired and asked if he wanted to meet up again soon
    Then he responded with "i thought we had a good time last night and i like you. But im kind of funny about starting relationships, been on my own for 2 years. Do you mind if we leave it for a while? Just dont want to mess you around"

    I responded with. "How do you mean by funny? Ive been on my own for a while too and dont want to rush into a full on relationship myself. I would like to enjoy your company again so if you fancy that sometime then let me know"

    Still not heard from him after a week and the message he sent confused me
    Been driving myself mad analysing it with my best mate
    I wasnt looking for anything and thought at first we were just hanging out but now i really like him
    Ive never mentioned anything about relationships or anything but none of us are into the sleeping around this
    He is quite mature and just a year older than me
    I have no idea what to do now but i have managed to
    Hold out and not contact him
    How long should i wait? Do you think he may be back in contact with him saying leave it
    A while rather than leave it completely?
    And if he does get in touch wanting to meet and i agree do you think i will look desperate?
    I do get a lot of male attention but i like this one cos of how genuine he seemed to be
    Any thoughts would be appreciated

    • Angel says

      I would say write him off. If there's anything I have learned is that when a man volunteers the piece of information that says: I don't want a relationship, we have to believe it, no matter what his actions are. That's many men's MO: affection, kisses, gentleman-like behavior then "I don't want a relationship". These are sticky, I can tell you. Write him off, delete his number, just walk away now before you get in over your head. I'd hate to know that you go through the same horrible hell I went through. Very similar scenario. If you get male attention, give others a shot. Be very clear on what you honestly want for yourself and choose exactly that. Don't let someone string you along and hurt your feelings. Lots of love to you

      • Becky says

        Thanks. My best mate tries to see the best in everything and said that he will be back in touch
        I dont know why he didnt say "lets leave it" rather than "lets leave it a while"
        Im probably going to delete his number today
        But what if he does get in touch do i meet him??

        I have done online dating for a while and never been in a relationship more than 2 months and im 33 years old
        Im quite a happy and confident person generally and travel on my own a lot and enjoy my own company
        But it makes me sad sometimes that most people i know have experienced love apart from me
        And i always prefer to meet guys the normal way but that has never worked out either
        Ive done the not looking for anything thing, wasnt looking to meet someone at a festival when i didnt look at my best but nothing seems to go right when it comes to men
        One my my friends found love on a dating site though, they have just got engaged
        But i dont like the idea of "looking"
        Does anyone else feel the same?

        • Becky says

          I just called him accidentally while deleting his number, ooops, haha damn touch screen phones. Hope it didnt ring long enough for the call to register

        • Angel says

          Me. I understand entirely. I am 29 and I have never had a relationship. I now don't have many friends but the few I have are all in a relationship. It seems that way: everybody seems to find it but me. In my case I have been discovering a lot about myself that sheds light onto why I always fall for guys who just string me along and say they just wanna be friends while taking advantage of my being there and interested. I have a lot of detrimental beliefs around love and relationships and about my own self. Most of them get in the way of me finding a good man. Our minds are a little tricky and we have tk learn how to control them to get the results we want. We create our own reality with our thoughts. Find the subconscious aspects of yourself and put the puzzle together. You are perfect as you are, there's nothing wrong with you. Find out what you core beliefs are and you'll see the patterns. I understand when you say you don't want to look, I feel the same way. Online dating didn't do it for me and I am so hell-bent on the idea that if you want a good man and a committed relationship you won't find him at a club or bar. I guess now I am still too fragile and hurt from my last experience so I should focus on getting better. Doing lots of things to keep my mind busy and just let the universe help. I am trying to just accept things for what they are and be grateful for the good things I do have. It is a long process but I guess there's no othwr way than just getting clear on what I want and accept exactly only that. Lots to do. Right now I have found myself wanting to do things like explore yoga, traveling whenever I can and just doing things I like to do even by myself. It is hard because I have no friends and family as I recently migrated and the only friends I had found were his friends but I need to stay away from him if I want to heal. I read Jane's blog and it gives me so much clarity and relief.
          About that guy, if he contacts you again, please follow your intuition, pay attention to how your body reacts to the idea of seeing him. If you get anxiety or unpleasant sensations, try to explore what you would like to feel instead and picture what scenario would bring you just that. I did this and found out that I felt anxious and insecure whenever I was going to see him which was a clear sign he is not right for me. I painfully discovered that my body felt better when I thought about not seeing him again, no matter how sad the thought was. We ignore our intuition all the time and that is not right. Take back control. Don't let him get the best of you. He's just another mortal being like all the others. He's not any more important or special than you are. You are amazing and you should be youe own priority, not a guy who strings you alone. Big hug

          • Becky says

            Thats really good, thanks
            I think its great you are focusing on yourself
            I am doing that too, always happy in my own company too and i even travel on my own several times a year which i find really liberating so i am very independent
            But just sick of meeting guys who just want to use me as a sex toy
            I never usually sleep with a guy on a first date but have a couple of times and it has never worked out well so now i stick to my own morals and have at least a 5 date rule
            I think if we all have friends and family around us who care and support thats the most important thing
            This place is quite good in that you can talk to people have gone through the same things and actually understand

            • Angel says

              I know! I feel the same way. I am so thankful for this page because I realize many of us go through really difficult things in this department. I used to think I was the weirdest girl on earth because I hadn't had a boyfriend ever and all the people I know in person have. When I come to this page I see I am not the only one and I see that many of those beautiful women that walk around on earth have their own share of suffering even in relationships. It would be so great to meet many of you in person or talk at least through facebook so we could share all these discoveries and realizations. I would love to have friends who understand perfectly what I have gone through. Sometimes I feel my own friends don't get it because they have relationships and sometimes they even make silly jokes about hpw I am alone or haven't been able to have a relationship. I know they are not trying to hurt me, but I have to admit I do feel a little bad when they joke like that.
              About sleeping with someone on the first date, I think it has more to do with what the person is comfortable with. Some people are comfortable living their sexuality in a more carefree way and that's ok if it makes them feel good. The first time I experienced sex was on a second date and it felt very strange. I don't regret it, it was nice but it didn't feel like I would have wanted it to. I have only been intimate with three men and I have to admit it has never been good, I mean it just feels a little insipolid because I knew they didn't really care about me and that's what I have always wanted: someone who truly does. We all enjoy sex, but when we are so sensitive like we are, it must be experienced in a way we truly feel comfortable. I have now discovered that as much as I like sex, I will be more careful about who I have it with. I need to take care of myself, my feelings and my sensitivity. Hopefully one day I can meet a man who actually cares about me and wants to be with me and makes the effort to give me what I will give him as well.

  21. Maria says

    I’ve just found myself in a similar situation. I met someone on a dating site and chatted back and forth for about 2 months before exchanging numbers. From the day we exchanged numbers I heard from him every day (even if just a few lines). We have been out 4 times over 3 weeks – each of the first 3 times just us two spending hours talking and laughing and talking some more until the places literally closed, even as late as 2am or 4am and sometimes continue the conversation in the car. The conversations were deep and real too, about family, views on certain matters, relationships, work, goals, etc. The last time we went out he invited myself and my friends to a place with his friends and even insisted on paying for all of us. We had an amazing time. He was by my side the entire night, dancing, kissing, talking to me. His friends were telling me how great of a person he is and not to hurt him etc. I let them know that I really liked him and wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. I got along well with his friends and he got along with mine. My friends were so impressed by how attentive he was to me and how “cute” we were together. During the night, he mentioned wanting to hang out on Monday. He ended up driving me home because he wanted me to stay a bit longer and my friends wanted to leave. On the ride home we were rehashing the evening and I mentioned what he friends had said to me and told him that I really liked him. I was being honest! It was the truth. We said our goodnights and texted me to let me know he got home okay. I briefly chatted with him on Saturday morning. But didn’t hear from him during the evening when he was working which was a little out of character. I sent him a good luck text Sunday morning because he had a long day to which he replied nicely hours later. That was all I heard from him Sunday. I started to wonder at this point because it was very brief and excused it by “he’s working”. And even with a bit of doubt, I got up Monday morning and showered waiting to hear from him. And guess what … I didn’t hear from him. I kept thinking he should contact me by 1 the latest, okay if by 2 I don’t hear from him something is wrong…. I sent him a message around 4PM asking how his day was going (thinking maybe he forgot about the brief mention of Monday plans) and its now Tuesday afternoon and I still have not heard from him. I have relived every scenario, came up with every excuse, explanation, possibility imaginable as to why the complete 360 in his behavior. The reason I keep coming back to is I scared him away by letting it be known that I really liked him. I am normally a honest and confrontational person, you know, no BS kinda girl and part of me really wants to ask him what is up like what happened? But I am fearful that he will ignore that message as well and it would make me feel worse. In the same breath, what do I need to hear him say I scared him away by telling him how much I liked him? I doubt that will make me feel any better. I really did like him and he was the first person I allowed myself to really like and let guard down since my last relationship (which was long term but unheathly and untrusting) ended and would like to believe that he is going to contact me in the next few hours/days but to be honest, he’s just not that into me! I go back and forth between the feelings of “his loss” to “what did I do to push him away” but the truth is, I was just 100% myself, guard down, and honest. And if that’s what scared him away – then I can’t blame myself for being me.

    • Angel says

      You just said it at the end: you were being you. You didn't scare him away. You didn't do anything wrong. You let him know where you stand. The ball was in his court and he has already shown you he's not able to give you what you want. Better sooner than later. You have your answer. Don't let him string you along. He knows how you feel and you showed him what a beautiful woman you are. It is time to show him you know your worth and you won't let him play you.

      • Maria says

        Thank you so much Angel. You are so right. I guess the feeling of rejection makes you doubt yourself and that's the worst part. But you're right. Better to know now then weeks/months down the road before getting more attached. Even though I'd gotten mixed advice from friends and family (it seems the older generation thinks I should contact him and call him out while the younger generation/my age thinks I should let it go for at least a week before I even think about contacting him) .. I have decided to just let it be. I don't need to chase anyone. He should pursue me at this point. And if he doesn't, I can't beat myself up over something I don't even know if I did or didn't do! And maybe one day he will kick himself for ignoring me and hoping "I get the hint". I'm sure the more time I let pass, the easier it will be!! Thanks again :) Funny how a blog like this can be so empowering and helpful!

      • Maria says

        Thanks Jane. Trying to remind myself that I am who I am and I love me for me. I can't change who I am because I'm afraid it might not be right for some people. On the other article (which is how I came to find this one) I like the part where it states if they don't agree with something you did but you do, it doesn't mean you're not right it means you're not right for each other. It's so true!

    • Maria says

      Just a follow up! So, my story above.... Finally, I couldn't take it and felt like I needed to have the last word to feel better. I sent him a text with a joke .. I must have been busy every time he called .. just kidddddding I get it! Although Im not sure what happened bc it seemed like we had a good time together but its all good and it was nice meeting you.

      Wouldn't you know it, the next day I receive a response explaining that hes sorry he was a jerk and that he likes hanging out with me and still wants to .... but hes really busy with work and needs to slow down.

      Granted, he is busy, probably too busy to make plans, especially in the next month or do, BUT not too busy to send a text. Especially when we went back and forth every day previously. So this is a cop out. I replied to his message "I totally understand and appreciate your honesty. Have a great day."

      Do I think that may have been taken that wrong way? Maybe. Am I worried he thinks I never want to hear from him again? Sure. But if he liked me, he will put his ego aside even if he thinks I never want to hear from him again and contact me in the future.

      And that is all I heard. SO while reaching out one last time did make me feel better, it did not change the outcome but I'm okay with that :)

      • Angel says

        Now you know. And it is great that you are ok with him walking away. You deserve love. He can't give you that. This too shall pass. You'll be perfectly fine. You'll see.

  22. Becky says

    Your right marie, it is helpful to speak to people who dont know you so they cant judge on what you have been like in the past. I am going with the same attitude
    Still a bit up and down cos i really like the guy and tempted to text him after a week cos i think it is cruel how he left it with "can we leave it a while" and although i have deleted his number its still in the call list on my phone
    But i dont want to chase, i guess he wouldnt leave it that long if he was genuinely interested
    Same with your guy i guess

    • Maria says

      Becky - I did the same thing on Monday. I deleted his number Sunday and thought ehh this will keep me from trying to contact him (on Monday). Except I hadn't realized I had it in my call log. Which is how I got to texting him on Monday evening (yes, its Wednesday still no reply). Its funny how we have to trick ourselves. I have finally deleted him number from my phone completely. Although it is saved in the message from the dating site (sighhhh) but if we have to talk ourselves in and out of contacting someone and its a REAL BATTLE that's a pretty bad sign right?! I can't believe how upset my situation has gotten me and from reading your post below - you seem to be just as upset. I literally get angry at myself and re-evaluate how I could have done this or that different. Then I get sad and feel bad about myself. Which is absolutely absurd because I was just fine weeks ago before we exchanged numbers. Someone told me .. to guys .. a week is like nothing. To girls, its an eternity. And as Angel said below - I think we all like to think we are the exception not the rule, but unfortunately that's RARELY the case for us. :( So I guess I'll back off and if he does happen to contact me then so be it but I can't just WAIT anymore. It's driving me crazy! I kinda feel like the more time that passes the more annoyed and turned off I will get anyway (okay maybe I just hope haha) !! I really wish you the best Becky and hope we can both look back on this in a few months and laugh at how upset we were over people that really weren't even worth being upset over to begin with :)

      • Angel says

        Be kind to yourself, Maria. It's not your fault you feel the way you feel. I completely understand the feeling because I have also gone through it. It is just horrible to wait for someone to reach us. Just always remember you are beautiful and amazing and you deserve better than waiting for some guy to call you. We deserve a man who does what he says and says what he does. A man that is willing to walk with us and not have us for a second doubting his words or intentions. We deserve all the love in the world. I think it is really hard to understand that sometimes a rock is just a rock. We can't turn it into something else not matter how much we want to. We would love for this guy to be it, but he's not. He just isn't. If he were you would be right now in a committed, healthy, beautiful relationship with him. He's not a bad person, but he's just not the one for you. The faster you walk away from him, the sooner you'll make room for someone better to come along.

  23. Becky says

    And i still cant stop thinking about him because i always see the good and only think of the nice gentleman side from when we spent time together

    • Becky says

      Like in the week before the date when he was texting me every day he asked me what my idea of heaven is, which i thought was quite deep for a guy.
      I just said spending time with friends and family, the simple things
      When i asked what his was he said he would have to give it some serious thought
      My housemate, who is a lovely decent type of guy, thinks if i havent heard from him by 2 weeks i should text to ask him if he has figured out what his idea of heaven is
      But i dont see the point, if it gets to 2 weeks then he cant have been thinking about me
      But its annoying cos hes the type i could trust if i was with him
      He goes to bed early in the week cos he has a tiring job and he goes for a beer with mates sometimes on a weekend rather than out pulling girls in clubs
      Im trying to stay confident and had a couple of good days but now im feeling like he had beer goggles on at the festival and he wasnt attracted to me when sober
      But then that sounds silly cos he was affectionate on the date and his eye contact was good etc
      Grrrr dont know why im having a wobble today
      Thought angel had sorted me out haha

      • Angel says

        I get it. We drive ourselves crazy trying to dissect every single minute detail. I've done it so many times. The fact remains: he hasn't called. He said let's leave it. That is a fact. When someone is genuinely interested, no matter how busy they are they make time. Have you ever seen the movie: he's just not that into you? What Alex tells Gigi is exactly right. If a guy doesn't call it's because he doesn't want to call. If a guy isn't asking you out, he doesn't want to ask you out. No exceptions. It's that hope that we keep holding onto, our fantasies what don't allow us to just see and accept reality. And it sucks. It really really does. And even if he did call later in the month, consider this as a huge red flag. Guys who come around are the exception, not the rule and exceptions are quite rare. So, just give it time. You'll be fine. Just be clear on reality and remember you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you.

  24. Kathyryn says

    Jane, this is such a comforting post to read. Especially your comments to the other women, that if the guy is right for you, he'll make it known. I had recently reconnected with an old acquaintance that I've known for years, we saw each other briefly at a presentation he was giving, it was the first time we had seen each other in at least three years. He was moving out of state for a new job that week. I had always had a good opinion of him from when I knew him in the past and always liked him. He recently emailed to say it was nice to see me, and asked me what I was up to. We emailed back and forth a couple times, the last email he casually mentioned in the end of his email I should make a trip out to his new city. I enthusiastically responded that sure, I'd be up for that. Since then, almost a week ago, it's been silence. Why would he write that if he didn't mean it?? He's the one that reached out to me first. I've been agonizing over every word in my email, if I was too casual, not casual enough, did I scare him away...ugh. It's been torture. But your article just goes to show that if I'm not being too overbearing, I've left the ball in his court, that it's up to him to step up to the occasion if he wants to email back or try to even get to know each other better. I just have to keep living my awesome life, and he must know that I'm somewhat interested, and he has the opportunity to pursue if he wants. Right? Thanks so much!

  25. Nicole says

    This article has really helped me with my situation. Here's the deal:
    I met this guy on an app. He replied to something I posted and we hit it off right away. At first it was more of a friendship thing. We had so many things in common, and he was so sweet. Absolutely everything I've ever wanted in a man. Here's the difference between my situation and everyone else's: turns out he's married. He's young, and doesn't want to be married. He's expressed various times how "bored" he is with his wife and how he wasn't ready to marry her, but they had a child and he felt that it was the right thing to do.

    We kept messaging back and forth for a few days before the conversation started going another direction. He was flirting, and trying really hard to impress me. The conversations really started heating up, and he showed up at my workplace after I got off of work. We hit it off immediately and ended up in the backseat of my car. I felt it was an electrifying experience, and after we had no idea what to say. We were both satisfies and felt the spark, but didn't know what to do. We spoke for a little and he left. As he hugged me good-bye he said "keep in touch, please" .
    I messaged him the next day, and we spoke for a little. When I mentioned the day before though, he didn't reply. I left it at that. The day after that I messaged him again, that was Thursday. Today is Sunday and still no reply. I have been beating myself up about this. Was it me? Is he scared?

    I know I shouldn't be thinking about a married man, but it hurts to think of all the sweet things he would tell me. How he said that regardless if we had sex or not, he loved having conversations with me. Did our sex ruin a friendship that could have been? The silence is killing me, but I know if I message him again and get no response, my heart will break even more. Help :(.

  26. deadlock says

    As a guy I'll provide an answer that's not emotionally clouded. If a man doesn't call it's either because 1) he's simply not sexually attracted, 2) he's "playing the field" with multiple women, 3) he's attracted but feels there's no point in pursuing further, e.g. the woman is irrationally withholding sex, already has a boyfriend or is refusing to make definite plans for dates. It really is that simple.

  27. Sophia Walker says

    Hello Jane, what a great article. It's refreshing to feel like you're being told the truth instead of some vague hopeful lie!
    I am trying to remind myself that I need to date more. I went on a date with a guy about 10 days ago, we hit it off, he asked twice to extend the date (which we did), he asked plenty of questions, got bashful, ended up kissing me (on the lips and on the forehead!?) and texted me 20 mins after our date ended to thank me for a great time and I replied saying thanks and it would be good to do it again? Our date ended up being about 5 hours long!
    I didn't hear from him for a few days so I texted him to ask how he was etc, he replied and then asked how I was, to which I replied and then hinted yet again (embarrassing to look back on now) that it would be good to see him again when he gets back from holiday (he went away for 3 days out of the country). He didn't reply to that, but then snapchatted me when he wa getting on board the plane to come home. I didn't respond to that cause I didn't think the snapchat was meant for me.
    We've no spoken at all, but he still views my snapchat 'stories'
    Why would a guy do this - he's clearly not interested, right?! I think I need to read your article again!:-(

  28. Meryl says

    I am so glad I found this page. What you have said resonates with me a lot because I am a horrible dater and haven't had a good relationship that has lasted over 6 yrs ever. I met this man 3 weeks ago and have been out with him a bunch of times and it felt as if things were going great. Calling and texting is spearatic. It's been 2 days since I heard from him, which I know is not long, but am I wrong in thinking, if THEY say I will call you tomorrow, they should call you the next day and not wait a couple days, especially if on the weekends they call and text continuously?

    • Jane says

      So glad, Meryl. Welcome! :) I would expect that to mean someone would call me tomorrow, but there's no right or wrong answer, Meryl. There's only what works for him and what works for you. See this as you finding out more about someone and him finding out more about you. His actions will show you what works for him and where he's at, and then you get to decide if this works for you. It's a mindset that helps you remember that you're the one doing the choosing here when dating. You're not a horrible dater! Don't let that label rest on you. I suspect it's the men you've dated that haven't been on the same page as you. Another article here you may enjoy is all about the whole point of dating. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you; it only feels this way when you're with the ones who aren't on the same page as you.

  29. Shriya says

    Hi Jane,
    Why some guys are too complicated to understand?
    My bf also like this sometime I can't understand his mood its so hard and also sometimes when we had a fight he behave like I doesn't exist this.I dont like this type of behaviour of my bf,have you any suggestions which will help me????

  30. Shriya says

    Sometimes I felt like he was trying to control me emotionally
    But I m not sure.Have u any idea or signs of controlling bf????I really needs ur help and one last thing we are together for about 2yrs plz plz help me.

  31. coastie says

    Your articles are like life to me atm and whenever I get relationship anxiety they reassure me and encourage me to stay true.
    Once again I am single. Have been seeing a guy on and off for 2 years he was my bestfriend for 15 years sucky part. Because we really have lost an amazing friendship. I made it clear from start I wanted a relationship leading to marriage.
    He said he was a loyal commited man.
    One week he's the perfect boyfriend.
    The next I dont exist, when he has his kids.
    I try to break up because I know the whole dynamic triggers the worse in me, (I become needy and codependent when everyone else sees me as this super confident strong person ) and I feel super drained and it takes all my attention off my kids; but he begs me to come back. He knows me so well its like he waits till he knows I am weak and sends flower chocolate s anything to get me back.

    In between our breaks I started seeing a nice guy. He was accepting of my circumstances. We had 4 nice dates, constant texting. Then valentine's day came and he didnt get me anything and stopped texting for a week. I thought it was all over red rover. Of course my ex sent me flowers and a poem and I went back With the promise he would move in in 6 months married in a year. Two months went by I could see him withdrawing and I ask him r u still moving in. He said probably not. We broke up two days latter, its like I couldn't do it anymore- I couldn't keep hoping for something that was never going to happen. My main regrett was if I stuck with the other guy we could have been together 3 months.
    Back to the other guy. After valentine s day and week no texting. He texts asking me Out. I said sorry not interested but want to stay friends. He got all upset asking what had he done wrong "i thought u were the one." I didnt text because I knew u wanted to take things slow and I didnt want to scare u by rushing u. We r still friends. Hes asked me out once a week for the two months I was back with my ex. We recently had a major catastrophe. My ex was no where to be seen he went to beach to check out how high waves were but didnt drive extra 15 to make sure we were alive came a few days latter when most of the clean up was over. The other guy texted and called to make sure I was ok and offered to Help. He still hasnt meet the kids and I had only broken up with ex a week so I thought it wasnt appropriate for him to come over. He expressed how he wished I was ready, because he was. He also said he wished we stayed together so he could have been with me through the storm because he knew how scary it would have been for me and kids.
    I dont know where to go from here.
    I am scared my ex will come back and sweet talk me with our 15 years history. But I am also unsure when to start with this new guy incase of rebound or dragging junk into a new relationship. I still miss my ex but never want to go there again and the whole time I was with my ex I was wondering what it would be like if I was still with this guy. Then i am also worried about being sweet talked by this guy and not seeing reality like with my ex. How do i know hes geniuen not just telling me what i want to hear like my ex. What do I do?

    • Angel says

      Hi coastie. I can only say this:

      No one can sweettalk you into anything if you don't allow it.
      Focus on you and your kids.
      As for how to know if someone is genuine, you let time show you who they really are. If they say nice things, focus on the actions that back them up, otherwise ignore them. If they say negative things, take them at their word.
      Think clearly about what you truly want for your life without putting a name or either of them on it. And then see if any of them is giving you exactly that. My guess is they aren't.
      Take time to find out why you're "becoming codependent ". Always go inwards. Our problems are never outside of us. We have to look inside.
      Good luck.

    • Jane says

      I'm so glad you're finding some calm for your soul here, Coastie. Thank you for your beautiful words. Let what you can live with - and what you can't - be your guide here. Ask yourself if this is working for you - as often as you need to. What matters is your sense of peace, your happiness, and living your life with the least amount of regrets. You can't be sweet talked if you refuse to let yourself be. You'll know someone's genuine over time by the way he behaves, the way he lives his life, the way he shows you who he is - and who he isn't. Remember that you're the one doing the choosing here, and this - whatever your particular "this" is - has to work for you as much as it works for anyone else. You and your kids are what matter more than anyone else, and someone who's right for you will understand this, too!

  32. Taylor says

    Im in such a state of confusion with a man I don't know what to think or believe anymore. We met online three years ago and have been on and off the whole three years. We will be hot and heave for three or four months and then he just fades away. Then he shows up a few months later like nothing was wrong. The third time (yes, I am ashamed to say that) he was gone a year because he had met someone else and I guess stuck it out with her. He came back into my life Dec 1st and we have been right back hot and heavy again. Constant calls and texts, three or four nights a week together, wonderful fun times. I actually started thinking he was more serious this time because he has seemed to have changed some. We shared New Year Eves together dancing in his living room, Valentines weekend together, and it just kept getting stronger and better.

    Well, I think he is slowly fading again but I cant be sure if it is that or work or the fact we got to close this last time. He has been quiet for two weeks now with some texts here and there to check and see how I am and what I am up too. It started this last time because we had this extremely serious talk about his childhood and his mother passing away and his job (oilfield) slowing down. It was tears and talking and for me an amazing experience. The following night I stayed again and had the dreaded relationship talk. He said he knew how I felt about him and I told him that yes I did care for him and that I did love him. I told him then I didn't want to talk about it anymore but he did. It ended being a pleasant conversation. He admitted he cared about me (love wasn't mentioned) that he knew I was good for him and that he knew I would be the right one by his side.

    So, if all this is happening, why is he fading away again? I read that I shouldn't text or call him and I don't. I give him his space. It just breaks my heart and sometimes I even feel there could possibly be other women, he just isn't ready to commit.

    What do you think ladies? Gentleman? Anyone?

    • Angel says

      What do you want for yourself? Can you live like this? With this off and on again situation? He's shared his issues, but they are HIS, not yours and while it's noble and wonderful that you understand him and want to be there, this isn't about him but you and what you can and can't live with. You choose what you want always regardless of what he does or doesn't do.
      The only person who can give an answer to your question is him, no one else. We can all have our theories, but in the end, we're not him.
      Ask him and decide what to do based on your own desires and that information.
      I hope you gain the clarity to decide what's best for you always.

      • Taylor says

        Thanks Angel.

        I know in my mind the right thing to do. Its my dang heart that wont listen. Im tired of the waves of happy to sad while he does his hot to cold. I know I must be living in a cloud to think that one day the loyalty will matter. I just want to be happy with someone. I guess that's what we all really want. Just wish it wasnt so hard to come by! Thanks again for your advice!

    • Jane says

      You're finding out his comfort zone, Taylor. He's doing what works for him. He can get just that close, and then he has to fade away again. And then repeat the pattern all over again. The question is, is this working for you? That's the part where you come in. And it's why it's so confusing. Yes, it works for him. But if it doesn't work for you, then how can you continue to live on his terms like this?

      • Taylor says


        Thanks for your reply. It only works when things are good! When he pulls away I crash right back into wondering why. I know that only time can heal these pains when you need to let someone go for the better of yourself. Its just a hard road getting there.

        I have read so many replies on other sites on the same type of issues and it blows my mind the women that go through this. That put themselves through it. I never thought I would be one of them. I know im not alone but it sure doesn't make it any better!

        Thanks again.

  33. Jennifer says

    I met a guy online and we messaged each other every day for like 3 weeks. It was going good, he said he couldn't get me out of his mind, he was falling too hard and fast and I maybe his dream woman but I could take advantage of him. I did tell him that I was going to make him come see m e one day, just joking of course- not sure if the make you went over well. Last time we spoke he asked me to tell him about a fantasy, so I wrote this long message and stopped and said there's more and sent a picture and said are you paying attention?? he replied a while later, "i'm paying attention yes. love your body, sorry I went MIA my dad went into the hospital. i said sorry, he replied the next morning, he was at high risk and never heard from him again. It's been 2 weeks. should i reach out, wait for him to or take that as a sign he's lot interest. I don't want to appear needy I just liked his

  34. Haley says

    So I met this guy a little over a month ago at the beginning of June while out at a bar with some friends. He came up to me and we chatted for a couple minutes. He was attractive and he sparked some interest in me but my friend and I wanted to go meet up with some other friends so I told him we had to leave. My friend told him which bar we'd be going to if he wanted to come find me later. Not even 10 minutes later do I find him where we were and we spent the rest of the night talking and hanging out. He and I ended up splitting off from the rest of the group to go for a late night swim at a nearby lake. We talked and laughed and kissed and it was a great night. He told me he was only in town 3 days and then would be working in Alaska until early July. He said he was mad about the bad timing in meeting me because we wouldn't get to see each other again for at least a month. He said he was interested in taking me on a date when he returned so I gave him my number. He texted me the very next day telling me that he had a great night. A couple days later he sent me a video from his plane to Alaska and he said again that the timing in meeting me really sucked but that he'd like to take me out when he gets back in town in early July. I told him I was interested in that. A week later he texted me a picture of a sunset in Alaska and he asked me how I was doing. I replied and after that I haven't heard anything. That was a couple weeks ago and now it's July 10th. I don't know if he's back in town yet or not and it's weird because I was so sure he was interested, we didn't talk much while he was away but I didn't see much a point in that because we could get to know each other when he returned. I'm at a point where I'm not sure if I should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's not back yet or that he's just busy and will contact me soon or if I should forget about it all and write him off at this point. Advice would be great, thanks!

  35. CJ says

    Hello everyone! I'm in the same boat as everyone else in here. I met this guy a month ago at an app and we have chatted everyday. Few weeks after, he asked for my number 'cause he said it's more personal that way. He texted me everyday with a good morning, how was my day, etc. He also asked me to "hang-out" a couple of times but I couldn't at the time because I already had plans except last Friday. We were supposed to have dinner at a Japanese Restaurant but changed it the last minute and met at Times Square and walked to Herald Square and did karaoke. I really had a great time and he did too. We even stayed for 30 minutes more. After the karaoke, we started walking and he said that I looked really nice. I looked at him, smiled, and said the same thing. He then also said we're going to have to watch his fave baseball team next and put his arm around me for a few minutes. As we were walking, he said that he had a great time and I just teased him. As we got into our subway station, he extended out his hand and said, "it's nice to meet you and I'm looking forward to hanging out with you again." Then I shook his hand and said it's nice to meet him. When I got home, I texted him saying, "Hi. Just want to let you know I'm home and thank you for tonight I had fun :)" He replied back 30 minutes after but I was already asleep. He said, "Heyy.. me too. Just arrived home. Goodnight." I didn't text him Saturday and he didn't either. I texted him yesterday with "Hi" but he hasn't responded back. I'm just confused. What is going on?

    • Angel says

      Nothing. He's living his life and so should you. Keep yourself busy and focused on yourself. Just because you had a great date, doesn't mean anything. He's not your boyfriend. Technically he doesn't have to do anything. You don't know who he is. Don't reach out anymore. Leave it at that and go keep dating others. If he shows up and you feel like you want to answer, then you do as if nothing.
      Remember that men reveal themselves in their actions and their efforts and you have to remember your value at all times. You're also choosing and you need to choose a man who shows up, is consistent and leaves you no doubt he's interested in a relationship with you. Until then, no man is ever real. Don't read too much into anything. Just observe, do nothing and let men show you who they really are. Careful with projecting your fantasies onto someone else. Live in the present.
      I know this is all easier said than done, but it's for your own heart's sake.
      And if he never shows up again, let it be a confirmation that he wasn't what you were looking for, it's not personal. It has nothing to do with you.

    • Maris says

      Oh girl I have had a man from january till like april textin me from the time he woke up.. Till sleep.. Anyway we never dates because there was always something.

      So it does not mean anything!
      Some guys text a lot and some do not!
      The point is you made a connection with someone, be proud of that little step. Maybe he will call and you will talk. But maybe he will not..
      Just wait a few days, I always say give it a week Maris! Or otherwise he is entering the "friendzone", but this is a personal boundry for me!

      Whats yours?

  36. Sara says

    Hello everyone! I met a guy online and we exchanged numbers and began speaking a week prior to meeting on the weekend. There was an instant connection when we spoke we had so much in common even he felt the same. He told me his whole life story that he was interested in love with that one special person and had been hurt before many times, similar background to my life as well. I was quite honest with him about my life, I'm a single mother and at the time I was living with my child's father as a roommate. He told me that he was working on his life too, he was living with his parents, he also told me he was on reserves in the military and was interested in joining again. I expressed my goal's; I was trying to get into a nursing career and wanted to buy my own home very soon. He was perfectly fine with that he didn't mind that I had a child and about my living situation at that time. The longer we spoke he began telling me he felt like he was falling in love and I as well felt the same. Yes I know seemed very soon for us to have been thinking this way, but it felt so right. He expressed that I was the women of his dreams and he would never hurt me because he's been hurt before as well.On our fourth date we ended up having sex and everything was fine up until the next day we spoke that morning and the conversation ended with I love you. This is where things turned a huge left turn for me. I didn't hear from hear the entire day, so I sent a text that night and he replied that he was at the gym, I responded that was fine that he could text me when he had time. Fast forward to midnight, I get a text from him saying sorry that his father overheard him on the phone with me and gave him advice that he should think about his future and what he's doing. I was upset because from the very first moment we spoke I was honest and let him know everything about me. He didn't care, he was fine with my life and he stated that he wanted to be with someone who knew what struggle was in life and didn't want a girl that was perfect because he himself wasn't perfect. So I text back a lengthy message about everything we spoke about, us being together was any of it real ? He text me back saying we'll talk tomorrow. Next day arrives and I get message saying that he needs time to think that he feels conflicted that his father pointed out what he need to think about. To give him time to think. I haven't heard from this guy in over a week. Everyone that I spoke with tells me he used me for sex, my mind is telling me yes he did , but my heart feels differently. I've been down since that day because I feel like I let my guard, I feel angry and I want to text him, but I don't know what I should.

    • Angel says

      Dear Sara,

      Your story is not at all new or different from many of the stories of girls who share on this blog.
      Don't call, don't text. Just focus on your own life, your children, your work, your hobbies.
      As Jane has several times mentioned, the man who comes on strong and says all the right things at the beginning is one to watch out for. This is a man who gets caught up in the novelty, but once it's clear he has you, he doesn't know what to do and starts to withdraw. You're right, it is too soon for you to have talked about this and to fall "in love" as you said, as I take it this all happened before the fourth date?
      Remember to be in reality, not in fantasies. You don't know this person well enough to know if he's worth all you have to offer. Open your eyes and see things for what they are. Look at what he's showing you now.
      A man who hides behind "his farther's advice" is just making excuses and doesn't sound mature enough to know what he wants, who he is and who seems to not take much responsibility. He seems like the guy who leaps before he looks. Beware of those.
      Good luck.

  37. Sara says

    Thank you Angel for the advice, I officially had my closure today. I'm moving on with my life. I signed myself back on the dating website. But Surprise Surprise!! The guy I was madly confused for had since, reactivated his profile and had viewed my profile as well. I have blocked him for good. Clearly if he can get back on the site again and not give me a courtesy text that he mean's he truly a jerk with no morals. I honestly hope another women doesn't fall for the same mistake as I did. Best wishes to anyone confused as I was, so not worth it.

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