The REAL Reason He Hasn’t Called

I remember it like it was just yesterday.  The conversation my single girlfriends and I would have over and over again.  Whenever one of us had just gone on a first or second date, or had been in a slow moving relationship with the typical non-committal guy we were in denial about.  The conversation always inevitably came around to “Why hasn’t he called?” 

It was always spoken with that combination of sadness and desperation, with a little trace of hope salted in.  We could have had a ringtone on our phones for it.  It was the tribal rallying cry, calling all of us together in support of the one whose turn it was to live it.  And then the conversation would begin, with us rehashing every single detail of what we had said and done, what he had said and done.  Every possible piece of conversation, body language, tone, nuance, and action was meticulously scrutinized as we tried to piece together the answer to that question that was eluding us once again: why hasn't he called?  And of course, as supportive girlfriends, we would all offer our best take on the situation, usually filled with lots hope, but with a little dose of realism thrown in, trying to make sense of a situation that doesn’t have much sense to it to begin with.  Until eventually, we would run out of possibilities and resign ourselves to either waiting it out some more, or relieving our anxiety by just calling him ourselves.

Well, after asking the same question myself more times than I would like to admit, and hearing it from my girlfriends about the same number of times, I know the answer that we all really knew even back then.  That the real reason he hasn’t called is because this guy is just not that interested.  At least right now.

I know; that’s hard to hear.  But would it make it easier to hear it if you knew how much the realization could save you so much heartbreak?  Would it help to know that by realizing the truth now, before you put so much of your body, heart, and soul into this relationship, you could save yourself from so much more pain down the road?   Because here’s the thing, if he’s interested in you, nothing will be able to keep him from calling you.  Guys aren’t like that.  When they’re interested, they keep trying.  Until you clearly let them know you’re not interested – and even then, they sometimes don’t get it and keep trying.

Now I know there are some really, really shy guys out there who you might be thinking are the exception.  But if you’re putting out subtle hints to this guy you’re interested in that you really are interested in him, he’s going to get the hint and respond.  By calling  you!  Even if he’s on the shy side. And with a guy who’s a player, well, there’s no stopping him.  In the beginning, he’s calling you … a lot.  But if it seems that the calls start to be growing farther apart, be forewarned.  That’s a fairly common characteristic with the type of guy who’s broken more than his share of hearts.  Just ask all my single friends.  But guys just aren’t wired to sit back and wait for you to call them.  They’re into pursuing.  And calling.  Because a genuinely interested guy wants to get to know you.  He wants to spend time with you.  He wants to find out who is this beautiful woman known as you.  He wants to find out if the two of you might be compatible.  He wants to find out if you’re interested.  If he’s interested.

Now, there’s also the chance of the guy being confused by the so-called three day rule, made infamous in the movie Swingers back in the 90’s.  Unfortunately, if he falls into this category it’s a sign of bigger issues, which is a topic for another post.  If this is the case, you may want to, one time, explain to him that the three day rule is absolutely ridiculous, forgive him for his uninformed folly, and give him one more chance to get it right.

The other possibility is that he might be interested in you, but he might not be interested in a relationship.  And that means he might not call right away either.  So don’t take it too personally.  It’s not about you as much as it’s about him being in a relationship in general.  Because let’s face it, some guys aren’t sure what they want, some guys are a little confused, some guys are a little (or a lot) scared, and some guys aren’t mature enough to know what they’re doing.   And if you’re giving off the vibe that you’re interested in a relationship and he isn’t, then chances are good that he won’t call or he’ll delay calling for a while.  But that’s a good thing – because then you know what you’re dealing with.  Do you get that?  You’re being saved from more heartbreak down the road.

Trust me on this one - there’s nothing worse than being led on with your full heart into a guy only to find out later you’re both on opposite sides of the page when it comes to commitment.  That’s the stuff sad songs are made of.  So don’t despair if your phone isn’t ringing.  Take it as a sign.  And if you’re not convinced, by all means, come right out and talk to him or call him if that will make you feel better.  To know.  He might not be able to come right out and be direct himself, but at least he’ll know for sure where you stand.  And if he’s not the right one, well, consider yourself lucky to be finding out early on.

P. S. Just in case you were wondering, while there is a very small chance that the guy that hasn’t called is lying injured in a ditch somewhere and can’t reach his cellphone, it’s really quite unlikely.   As much as that might be easier on us if it were true.

About Jane

Comments

  1. Sabrina Folies says:

    Hey, I agree with the whole piece and it actually helped me to read that perhaps it's not that the guy is not interested in me, but maybe he's not interested in a relationship. Anyway I just don't understand why at the end of the post you had to contradict the whole point by writing "well if you really want to then call him."
    I am not going to call this guy because I am sure he knows where to find me, and if he was decently interested in me he'd know that the longer he waits, the more chances are I will be BUSY by then (hopefully with another date, or maybe with my shrink! Can't be sure about that :(

    • Because, Sabrina, sometimes, no matter how much we hear that he will call if he's interested in us and a relationship and won't if he's not, so many of us still want to believe that our particular situation is different, that somehow there's something more to our story and the particular guy we're talking about. So my point is that if, even after hearing this, and even if it makes logical sense in our heads that an interested guy will call and that silence means he is not, many of us have a hard time moving on and letting go without something from him, even if it's more silence. So for those of us who simply need to keep trying, to keep attempting to get some closure from him, an explanation or something more concrete than that silence, it's not going to change anything to call him. If you need to that badly, then following a "rule" not to call him, can be so much harder on us than reaching out and getting more of nothing from him, or getting a false answer that often comes when a guy is put on the spot who isn't comfortable with such direct communication. It's a journey to get to that place where we can simply say "next!" when he doesn't call, and refuse to take it personally. A journey that each of us comes to in our own time and in our own individual ways. It sounds like you have figured this out, Sabrina, and that is no small thing! :-)

  2. I'm not good with relationships, hence reading this article, but think at some point especially the older we get and the more experience we have, the more we were hurt, the easier it gets to just say NEXT and not pursue something that actually felt right. But so what if you're rejected? At least you were true to yourself and gave it a try.
    I don't believe all guys are the same, it's not easy for me to be attracted to some guy, so I don't want to say NEXT before I'm sure that guy isn't worth it after all. I also have my issues and would like him to be patient and understanding before easily moving on to the next girl =/

    • So true, Carina; it's that experience that can only come from going through this as many times as we may need to before we're ready to see the light and do something different, that gets us to that confident place of "Next!" :-)

  3. The reasons may be different but the action is the same. Regardless of the reason, one has to force themselves to be in the "next" mindset. I really liked someone who didn't call back and brushed me off. I discovered "Next" by Debi Berndt, a meditation, and keep listening to it as I meet new people.

    • So true, Jackie; it really is a mindset that covers everything! Thanks for sharing and for the meditation recommendation.

  4. Stephanie says:

    I'm 23 and joined OkCupid! about a month ago. I went out with this guy last week - although I had seen his pictures, it still felt like a blind date! My heart was racing before we finally met, but it went away pretty quickly when I saw him. His profile said he was 5'11", but he was more like 5'9." We went to a cafe and had a cup of coffee. This was my first date in about 8 months... I suck at dating!

    TO make the long story short - our date was on Saturday, he texted me on Monday... it's now Thursday.. it's been 3 days! I'm hoping he hasn't watched Swingers! I look back on our date and kinda wished I had shown more interest in me. I suck at flirting... need to work on that.

    But I need to accept that meeting the love of your life is going to take time... it's not gonna be the first guy you meet from OkCupid!

    • I think many of us have felt the same way at some point in our dating lives, Stephanie - so try not to be so hard on yourself. :-) If it's meant to be, it will be, because if someone on the same page as you, he will want to find out more about you and will actively be pursuing you and letting you know. If he hasn't called, it's often for the best if we are open to seeing it that way.

      You're so right to realize that it's about accepting that it takes time, and sometimes a lot of unexpected twists and turns along the way, before you will meet that special someone. If you can remember that you are so young, and have so much to offer, and so much to discover about life and love and yourself along the way - and view this as an adventure and not a mission - you will make this all so much easier on yourself.

  5. I love your article! I am currently going through this situation. I met a guy in the Dominican Republic and for three days he was all over me. This was a big party weekend so it was odd. Like he came to my door every night and made his intentions clear. On his last night he asked if I was interested in keeping in touch and I told him of course. After getting my number he also told me he would not be calling me right away. We fooled around that night and the next morning before he left he found me to say goodbye and said he would call. Well I have been back for 4 days now and no call. I know it may be premature but I just don't understand what could have happened.

  6. hi, its my first time in this site..and i feel interested to know more bout any topic discussed

    • Welcome, Maddy! So glad you found your way here; check back often to be part of any and all discussions! :-)

  7. I know we said situation = different but result = same. He is not calling. My situation I really haven't come across. Met a great guy three weeks ago. He did the initiating and I was the right level of responsive. He's older than me, divorced 10 years and has a successful small business for 28 that he's rather hands on with. Previously was a HS basketball coach and goes to mass every Sunday. Found out we grew up in the same city and we actually knew some of the same people from back in the day. Very affectionate, asked for more pics. We kissed but never slept together but was talking about it. Having own busn was hard to make advanced plans and also then not ODing on texting and emailing. Had a falling out on outlooks re US history, then I was very stressed over a filing at work and over an issue that flared up with my ex. He didn't like that I was salty over the ex issue and thought I needed to take some time to get over/resolve better our issues. I did say to him that I wished I'd met him a little later because I was recently new to dating again. He said we and I had a great deal of potential but I needed to think about what I really wanted and make sure the ex issues are really resolved. We have not talked since. I've reached out but not chased or behaved needy. I was thinking of looking him up in 6 or 9 months because I think he's right about his recommendation. What do you think?

    • Whenever an ex is still in the picture enough to cause an issue in a new relationship, Dana, that's usually a red flag that there's still some time and space needed before entering into a new relationship with someone else.

      It sounds like both of you are in agreement on this, so I don't think there's anything wrong with looking him up again when you feel like you've resolved whatever issues came up with your ex, and you're truly ready for someone new in your life, and not so recently out of a relationship.

      Rebounds are always something to be aware of, and it sounds like he's being cautious to make sure you're both on the same page, which is a very healthy thing! Trust that if there is something there for both of you, you'll know, and time won't be an issue. When it's meant to be, the timing is always right.

  8. I recently broke up with my long term boyfriend and it has been quite tough. I am therefore hugely on the rebound and find myself switching from likeing guy to guy. I met this guy at a house party a fortnight ago - we hit it off, went back to his and slept together. I was happy, it was fun and it was a good distraction. As I was leaving the next morning, I knew in my mind that that was it and I wasn't going to see him again and that didnt bother me. But then he asked for my number - which I gave to him. I wish I hadnt though now as I find myself checking my phone to see if he has messaged etc. This makes me cross... why would he ask for my number if he wasnt going to message back? What makes me more cross is that i wasnt even interested and now he isnt messaging me - I want to see him again!

    • So many possible reasons, Kitty; none of which really have anything to do with you, but everything to do with him. He may have felt like it was the right thing to do to make him feel better about himself - to ask for your number so that it wouldn't appear to be just a one night thing for him. Remember that he might not know that you were ok with your time together just being a fun distraction. I know it's maddening when something like this happens, and you're left wondering why and then when.

      Remind yourself what you already know to be true; you don't know him well enough to know if you even really want him calling you. Obviously, there was a reason you gave him your number, so don't be too hard on yourself. We've all done things that we regret, but know that it's so much better to find out that he's not following through now, then after he'd been calling for awhile only to stop calling.

      And sometimes, this type of scenario triggers that feeling of wanting to be wanted even if we're not really interested, so check in with yourself to see if that might be going on for you as well, in which case, you can put that in perspective and move on knowing it really doesn't matter. When you're with someone who's right for you, you'll both be on the same page. He'll be wanting to call you and you'll be wanting him to call you. That's the way it's meant to be!

      • You are completely right - It was that feeling of being wanted that made me give him my number - even though deep down I had no interest in staying in contact. I guess I just don't like that feeling of not being in control of the situation, and feel that he now has the upper hand as I messaged him and he never responded.

        However, I have to stop beating myself up about it and just move on.. Like you said, its just nice to know that you are wanted - so when this happens you obviously feel the opposite.. I have learnt my lesson though. That was my 1st one night stand and Im not sure if I would like to do it again. Its crazy how extreme my emotions are at the moment - its been 2 months since my break up and I am just so up and down.

        • Give yourself time to heal, Kitty; going through a break up is never easy, regardless of how long it's been. We all have different timetables on how long the process of letting go and moving on takes, and most of us experience all kinds of emotional highs and lows as we go through it. I've found the most loving we can do for ourselves is to take a break from dating and relationships completely during this time, and simply focus on the beautiful person know as you for a change. Who are you? What do you like to do? What makes you happy, inspired, excited, passionate, etc.? What would you like to try that you never thought you could do? What makes you strong? What do you want your life to look like?

          Sometimes when we're in a relationship, we can be so focused on someone else or on ourselves in relation to that person, that we forget to give ourselves that same kind of attention until we're alone and find ourselves forced to finally spend some time really getting to know ourselves better. It's then that we often find that what we're looking for isn't necessarily what we thought we wanted or what we held onto so tightly as if it was the only thing that mattered. While there may be so much pain in those goodbyes, there is so much more to life and love if we open our eyes and our hearts and see all that is waiting for us to embrace, even if it comes from the ashes of a broken heart.

          Much love to you, Kitty. You will get there, too!

          • Thank you Jane. You really have brightened up my day :) I will keep on looking out for your posts - they all really do hit the nail on the head!

  9. Hi Jane. I met this guy and we talked everyday for a month and a half. We hooked up a few times and it was really really good... He left for 3 weeks of work and we texted, talked, and sent pics to each other everyday. He was totally into me. He came back from work, stayed at my house for 2 days and had a really good time together. I know he doesn't want a relationship, and either do I. After those 2 days, he didn't call me for 2 days. So I called him and told him I felt disrespected that he didn't even text or call me. Then he didn't call me the day after that. So I calmed him and he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue seeing me, that he'd have to think about it. This I think from me telling him that I'm into him, even though he said he likes me too. So now it's been 5 days since we last talked. Do you our friends with benefits thing is over because of me telling him I felt disrespected and putting expectations on him?
    Thanks for listening

    • It sounds like you found what was really there, Confused. You let him know your terms - what you are willing and not willing to put up with! - by telling him how you felt when he didn't call or text you, and he's responded by pulling back and showing you where he's at. Obviously you both have different expectations of what a friends with benefits relationship means to each of you.

      Don't second guess yourself; you obviously felt strongly enough about the disrespect you felt to call him on it, so look at this as a reality check with him. If you standing up for yourself and letting him know how you felt and what your terms are were reason enough for him to stop contacting you, it is so much better that you found this out! What you really want is someone who's on the same page as you, regardless of what that page is, and now you can decide where you want to go from here knowing more about him!

  10. Hello Jane,
    Your article really struck a cord as I'm passing through these stages as we speak.
    I recently went on a first date with a guy I met on a dating website. It was a fun date and we were laughing and talking the whole time. At the end he said it was lovely meeting you and we should meet again. I'm a busy person but now I'm so distracted he hasn't called. I feel slightly more awkward since I initiated the interest for the first date. Its been 2 days . He genuinely seemed interested and a confident and nice guy.
    Well I hope he calls as in definitely not calling now.
    In the past I've rushed relationships and not taken things slow so t
    Hope I don't make the mistake again.
    Thanks for lending an ear to my flutterings
    Em

    • So glad this resonated with you, Emma. Remember that you really don't know if he's even someone you want to be calling you until you've had a chance to get to know him better. If you don't get that chance, then you actually have your answer already. Take your time; know that if someone is right for you - if you're both on the same page and want the same thing - you never need to rush things. Time is the only way to really get to know someone and find out if they're worth your beautiful time and energy!

  11. So I am currently dealing with this situation, and I think that--most likely--he's just not that interested. Which really sucks :( But I'm conflicted and doubting whether or not he is interested or if he just sucks at communication because (and here's my story in a nutshell...) After I met him, and he asked for my number, he texted me to give me his number, and I replied, but he never did after that. So right off the bat, his texting communication sucks. I didn't worry about it because I ended up seeing him (by chance) again two days later, at which point he asked if I wanted to spend some time with him that weekend. We hung out, it was great, but then after that he didn't text me or call me AT ALL for an entire week. I texted *him* to ask him if he wanted to go out with me and some friends the next weekend, and he passed on it. He still made zero contact with me until I ran into him, again by chance, five or six days later. We talked for a few minutes, and he said "We should do something this week," and I was all for it, so he did (Finally) text me the next day to ask me out for that Friday. We went on a date on that Friday, and ended up having dinner with his family (very casually, not a big deal) on that Sunday. After that, he AGAIN didn't text me or call me. I texted him at the end of the week, and after I texted him he did ask me if I wanted to go dancing that saturday. Then we hung out again on sunday. I went out of town for a week, and have been back for almost a week (1 and a half weeks since I've seen him). He hasn't texted me or contacted me at all since the last time we hung out before I left.

    Here's my point: I have texted him first almost every single time. BUT He has always asked me if I want to do something. No one force him to. Granted, it's been AFTER I text him, and although I don't suggest anything, it worries me that he only bothers to ask me if I want to spend time with him when I contact him.

    When we do spend time together, it is *amazing*, so much fun. He's held my hand, he's kissed me, and when we were together there was no doubt in my mind that he was interested (and not just on a physical level.) But now he has--again--not bothered texting or calling or anything. I'm here going crazy because I'm so head-over-heels for this boy.

    Is he using me? Is he interested and just ridiculously terrible at communication? The reason I'm doubting is because this is a pattern: He has ALWAYS been terrible at contacting me. He is in college, and has a job, and has family in the area that he spends time with--so I know he's busy. But still. If he is interested, I would think he would eventually contact me right? I know he's probably just...not that into me. And I'm coming to terms with that. But, because of the strangeness of the situation (him not texting, but then when we spend time together acting very interested) I'm super confused!

    Any opinions would be welcome. Give it to me straight.

    • It sounds like you've found a guy who's great at responding but not so great at initiating, Tori. It's always so much easier for them to respond, rather than to initiate communication when they're really not that committed or interested in any kind of a real relationship, so my guess is that's exactly what's going on for him. It happens all too often, and can be so frustrating because it doesn't make any sense to us, but that's because we're not them! The best thing to do in this situation is to give him some space and see what he does with it. What happens if you don't contact him at all? Of course you can't help it if you run into him, but if you don't contact him other than that, see if he steps up his communication and actually initiates anything with you, or if all you get is more silence.

      That's how you ultimately know what's going on with someone like this; you back off and live your own life and forget about him as much as you can - I know, that's so much easier said that done! - and see if he comes closer or stays at that distance. In the meantime, don't wait around for him to come around; get involved in your own life and seeing what and who else is out there for you so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much to you. If there's something really there between the two of you - and he's ready for it and on the same page as you - you'll know because he'll rise to the occasion. If he doesn't, don't take it personally; all kinds of guys love the time you're together, but aren't on the same page to actually do any of the work to make it happen. If that's the case, ask yourself what you really have, because if those are his terms and you're not ok with living with them, then you aren't truly compatible!

  12. Sadly i have been put in limbo by a guy who was texting me non stop and then suddenly stopped. Not being one who deals well with games and bs i called him out on it. He said that he was sorry and was dealing with some serious stuff that he never meant to cut me off because his ex did that to him so he will not do that. I flat out said if you're not interested you're not...I'm a big girl i can handle it. His reply...i am but its just not the right time for me. The convo continued and he repeated his apology and told me he just needed some time. Now as someone who has dealt with serious issues i can understand and appreciate him not wanting to make his issues my issues as i have avoided relationships for that reason...that is if he is telling the truth...i wanted closure but ended up being more confused. Haven't heard from him in over a week not sure if i should text him a hey u alive? Ya awesome.. Or just let it be and move on

    • It sounds like he's made it clear that the best thing for you to do is let it be and move on, Dee. But know that it won't change anything either way, whatever you decide to do here. Make this about you and choose to do whatever will give you the greatest sense of peace and calm in your own life, and whatever will leave you with the least amount of regret.

      If he needs time, there's a reason, but don't take any of this personally. If he's not there on the same page as you, looking for the same thing you are, be glad you're finding this out early on so you don't waste any more of your beautiful time and energy on someone who's not where you are! If he's interested in you, but wants to first sort our his own issues, know that you'll be the first to know when he is ready, and then you can decide what to do then. But if he doesn't get there, the last thing you want to do is wait around for someone to come around.

      When someone's ready for you - and wants to pursue a relationship with you - you'll know because someone who wants to be with you won't have reasons or excuses why he can't, and he'll be on the same page and ready and willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's always the very least of what you deserve, my beautiful friend!

      • Thanks...i suppose i made a mistake in telling him that if i needed to sit back and wait i would...because i thought he might be worth it. That is when he responded with thank you and i am sorry i just need some time. Kinda just want to text him and tell him i won't wait and when he's ready msg me and we shall see where we both are at. Decisions decisions

  13. Hi Jane,

    I met someone online and we texted for a week before meeting up. On Sunday we had our first date and it was brilliant but we ended up sleeping together, this was also really good.
    The next day he text me straight away and that evening we saw each other again. Yesterday he text me to say that he felt really good because of me. He hasn't text me since yesterday. I've deleted his number so I am not attempted to text him, I feel like he needs to get in touch now, I don't want to be the just for sex girl.
    I broke up with a long term boyfriend last year and it has been really tough, i don't know if my self confidence can handle this guy not getting in touch.
    I hope this is coherent, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Know that if someone is right for you, Emma, you'll know because they'll be the one initiating contact and making sure you know they're interested in you. Try to switch this around so you can view this in a way that doesn't have you taking what he does or doesn't do so personally. You only want someone in your life who is on the same page as you, who is looking for the same thing you are and wants the same thing as you do - with you!

      If he was only looking for "the sex girl", and that's not what you want to be, then if he doesn't contact you, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, my beautiful friend! It just means you're on two different pages and you're always so much better off finding this out now, before you're any more invested in him, than down the road when you're that much more likely to be heartbroken.

      What someone does or doesn't do is never a rejection of you, but a reality check of whether you're both truly compatible and on the same page. Tell your self-confidence that you what someone does or doesn't do, is never a reflection of you, but of them! By giving him the space to come to you - like you're doing - you'll find out where he stands and what he's looking for by what he does with it.

      Remember that you're the one doing the choosing here, Emma, and you really don't even know him well enough to know if you even want him in your life! He has to prove that he's worthy of your beautiful self and all you have to offer before you give him anymore of your you!

  14. Jane, I can't tell you how much this article and your website has helped me.
    My best guy friend of nearly 5 years and I have been dating for about a month and a half now. I have had feeling for him for awhile now, so I came into the relationship already having pretty strong feelings. I’m worried I came off too strong (in fact I’m certain I did) and now I believe he got freaked out and is retreating.
    Today marks a week since he last called/text. I have spent the better part of week with all sorts of scenarios running through my head and feeling depressed. Our families are friends (that’s how we meet) and I recently learned from my aunt that his grandpa passed away on Monday. My annoyance turned to concern so I called him last night to see how he was doing. I got voicemail. I've done what I can. If he wants to get in touch he knows how, no excuses. Meanwhile I will continue living my life, doing the things that make me happy. Thank you for helping me reach this conclusion and be completely okay with it.

    • I'm so glad this is all helping you through this, Cecilia. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this for what it really is - and realizing this isn't about you at all! You can never come across too strong - or too much of anything! - for someone who's right for you!

  15. You are probably right, Jane, if after a date the guy does not call, it is probably because he is not into you. Nothing more to say. Case closed. Move on right?

    However if we trust John Grey, the author of "Mars and Venus on a date", he believes that it is actually pretty normal for almist any guy to be "not that much into you" or rather backing off to work through his doubts at this stage. He calls it uncertainty stage. He claims that pretty much all relationships go through that stage. That most guys back of at some point and by backing off they just give us women a chance to select guys who are right for us by mildly and appropriately pursuing them. Think about it, if a guy committed to go on a date with you he probably is into you. Or at least was into you at some point. So now for some reason he feels different. Why? Could it be just a subjective temporary feeling? I think it very much could be. Couls he be wrong feeling that way? I think he very much could be. And perhapse it is the perfect time for a woman to play her part to help him live through this feeling of confusion and uncertainty without completely makong herself into a doormat but also without the risk of permanently losing the right guy. Things do mot always need to be black or white and at uncertainty stage they are more like different shades of grey. His feeling of uncertainty could be something like this : "Yes, she does look pretty, and I did like her the first time I saw her. But now we spoke and I feel confused. Does she really like me bavk or is she the kind of girl, who is just using guys? Could she be into me, or is she still too much into that ex bf she mentioned?" It is quite possible at this stage for a guy to like a girl, yet still be working through some of his doubts. So I would say if you think he is worth your while, by all means call. Jyst do not be mad, upset, confrontational or pressuring. Call to thank him for the nice date, or ask him a question, or ask him to help you with something etc. Well, maybe he is not that much into you right now, but maybe if he gets to know you a bit more eventually he could be. If he is not calling you anyway, there is nothing much to lose, and who knows maybe something did happen and there is a valid reason why he did not call. But if there is none and he truly and finally decided that he dies not want to date you, then at least you'll know.

  16. Wondered Mind says:

    Hey jane

    I have met a guy 2 months ago, who thought "I was amazing" (because he told our mutual friends) then we dated few times, and both of us were travelling for work - but we certainly tmade sure we will see each other whenever we could.

    Then for some reason during his last visit to NY(he is American and we both live in London ), he has became distant and so withdrawn. I have confronted him earlier this week, and he explained it's too much pressure from work, also there are still feelings/communication with the ex whom cheated on him. Since then he emailed me very casually(we use to contact each other with every possible date divise than just emailing), but I didn't reply because I wanted him to come and start chase me more. The result is I haven't heard from him since I haven't replied his email - and where do I go from here?

    He is very smart, and successful - I really miss the little moments we shared, and all the silly little jokes - but I also don't want to entering any games. I'm really too old and too busy for this, and I wonder if it was all about the game. Because at the very beginning when he was chasing me(and I wasn't very interested) he was just far more attentive, and I felt his warmth towards me, and he will say things to indicate the very near future(little romantic break somewhere, watching film at home with 20 bags of popcorns..) then it all stopped. - and now it seems he just really doesn't care at all

    It's annoying and confusing - what shall I do?

    Thanks for listening

  17. Hi,
    So I have been talking to this guy I met online for about 3 weeks and then he asked me out for coffee. The date went awesome we sat at Starbucks and spoke for 3 hours! That was on Sunday. He messaged me Tuesday asking if I wanted to go out on Valentine's Day! So throughout the week he was messaging, letting me know where we will be going. He picked me up on Friday, took me to dinner, and a comedy show. Everything went well. He was touchy-feely, but in a nice way. I was getting a very shy vibe off of him. I'm kinda more aggressive but held back as I did not want to look crazy touching him LOL. He dropped me off I told him i had a great time and he said he did too. Gave him a hug even though I wanted to kiss him, I could tell he was super shy, so I just gave a hug. Next morning I texted "Thanks for planning an awesome Valentine's Day. Had a blast.!" He's like "I'm glad you did. So did I :)" That was on Saturday. It is now Tuesday and I have still not heard from him. Just confused as everything in my eyes went well. If he does not message I will be moving on ASAP. LOL Thanks!

  18. NicoleJ says:

    HI I was wondering if you could give me some advice. A guy from town recently left and since he left I realise how much I actually miss seeing him when I go for walks with my dog, at school pickups etc. He showed many signs that he was attracted to me turned up wherever I was, always big smiles, hellos, how are you, blushed etc. I wasn't sure if he was my type nor was I ready for anything at first but after about a year of this, things changed I started to like him. Then all of a sudden he left . So being my immature self I sent a letter to his old house giving him my number in case he ever wanted to catch up hoping that his ex who moved in there would pass on the letter marked personal. That was 12 days ago that he would have received it and now nothing, no call, I though am having problems doing that move on/next thing and am confused as I know that he did like me, I just was confused when his ex and him had crossover for a week I thought she was moving back with him so I kind of snubbed him just before he left and now I feel bad!

    • Don't feel bad, Nicolej. It sounds like he was confused too, and didn't really know what he wanted either. It's easier to make the assumption that someone is looking for the same thing you are and interested in you because he seems to give you all the signals that show he is, but you can never know for sure what else if going on inside them. You've done what you could be sending the letter, don't feel bad about that, and now you know more by his lack of a response. Don't take it personally; this is always about what page someone else is on and never has anything to do with you, as much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise. Someone who wants to be with you will always make sure you know!

  19. Hello,
    First off, I really liked your article. It was kind of a relief to just think to myself, "Okay, so he's probably not that interested, just move on."

    Here's my story: I'm 22, was a virgin until I met this guy. The first time we met, I told him about my situation, I've never been the kind that was waiting for marriage or anything, things just never felt right. Anyways, the first time we met actually, we got really drunk and ended up having sex. (He's a year younger by the way). So, after that happened, the next morning he asked if he could text me in a few weeks when he's back in town. (He lives about an hour and a half away from where I live, for school). I said yes, and we didn't really communicate at all until about two weeks later when he texted me and asked how I'd been. We talked for a little, and then that weekend he ended up coming to my town. His parents live in my area, but they've only recently moved here and so he doesn't know the city that well. Since I also still live at home, having a place to go has been difficult. Anyways, he asked if he could take me out for dinner and a movie. The date went well, and we went our separate ways at the end of the night without hooking up. Fast forward to next weekend, he texted me again saying he was in town and he took me out to another movie. No hooking up this time either. After that, another week went by and he came up for the weekend since his parents were out of town. We spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday together that weekend at his parents' place. He bought steaks to cook for us on Friday night for dinner, and he took me to an aquarium on Sunday. We got along well and had fun hanging out when we did. He always says, "You're really laid back and chill, you're fun to hang out with, etc." The weekend after that he also came up, and we spent another night at his parents' house, on a Saturday. We watched a movie at his place and obviously fooled around. The last two times we've hung out we've gotten drunk, and he always brings up the fact I've never had a boyfriend.. etc. Along the lines of, "so you've never been in a serious relationship? Why?" "So I'm the first person you've been with? Why?" and every time I answer, "Well, I have never really wanted a boyfriend." Now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have said that. Does that come across as not wanting one still? Anyways, from the get-go I've kind of made it seem like all I was interested in was experimenting... since I've never really been with anyone. The only problem is, I'm starting to develop feelings. Which is unfortunate. It's now been about 9 days since we last saw each other, he didn't drive up this last weekend, and he never texts during the week. The no texting while he's out of town is starting to bother me. Like, why only text when you'll be in town? Why don't you see how I'm doing during the week, even if you're busy at school? I've come to the conclusion he's just not interested in me or doesn't want a relationship. I'm only the second girl he's been with, and I'm not sure he's ever been in an actual relationship either.. I'm not sure I'm okay with just hooking up now, so I'm kind of confused as to what to do next time he's in town. I'd like to keep him in my life, but I'm not content with just randomly hooking up anymore. And I don't see how a long distance relationship could work?

    Some advice would be really great!

    • It's always in the space that you give someone that you find out how much space they want, Sydney. So the reason why he doesn't text you during the week "just to see how you're doing" is because he's not interested in that part of you. The reason why he's "randomly hooking up" with you is because that's what he wants - and what you're giving him. He has no reason to do anything different if you're giving him everything he wants. Regardless of how you started out, if your feelings have changed and you want more than he's willing to give, there's nothing wrong with you and what you want - and no, you're not expecting too much! With someone who's on the same page - who wants the same thing you do - all those things you want, he'll want to!

      It takes time to get to know someone, real time, not just over texts, not just over random hookups. Make sure someone's worthy of you before you decide he's the type of person you want to develop feelings for. You already know this for yourself with your words "I've come to the conclusion he's just not interested in me or doesn't want a relationship." Exactly! You're worth so much more than what you're giving yourself away for!

      • You're right. Before I get even more involved in the situation, I think I'm going to end it. If he contacts me, I'll just let him know I'm not interested in our current arrangement anymore. A little hurt now is better than a lot of hurt later I suppose!

        Thanks for the advice.

        • You're welcome, Sydney. Our choices are not always easy, but when you choose what brings you the most peace and happiness and what leaves with you the least amount of regrets, you discover the choice that is right for you!

  20. Hi Jane. I hope you can give me some insight. 3 wks ago I got back in contact with a guy I went to high school with. We are 45 & 46 now. We work opposite schedules but the first few days we talked for hours on the phone & would text quite a bit. We got together & hung out a couple of times & we both had a great time. However he was recently out of a relationship & had said he wasn't ready for anything serious etc. I'm ok with this as ive been separated for 1 1/2 yrs & am currently just waiting for the final decree to process through the courts. However I do have some feelings for him but due to the situation I don't want to get to serious. All of a sudden one day he had said he was going to call me that night & didn't. The next day he didn't call or text & also didn't answer mine. When it got very late & time for him to get off work I still had not heard from him. I freaked out because I thought he had gotten hurt or something. We spoke about it the next night & I told him i thought something had happened & I was worried. I also found out that it had only been 3 wks since since his relationship had ended & I assumed it had been at least a few months. That one bit of information seemed to cause it all to make sense & helped me to realize I need to chill some. That weekend we went out again & had a blast again. We talked that night & we both talked about how much we enjoy talking to each other. Since then he has not texted or called & he has answered a text & a couple of calls & in one of them he was concerned due to work issues. I had tried to contact him as a concerned friend to see how things worked out with work & he didn't respond to the text. Later he did answer a call & said he actually didn't work that night. He also said "I guess you can tell that relationships/dating freaks me out?". I said "yes but we're just friends remember?" He said "I know". After that phone call I really felt that he has some feelings for me but things were moving too fast and really scared him since he so recently ended the prior relationship. At that point I decided it would be best for me to back off & let him contact me when he has calmed down as the last thing I want to do is make it worse. I was driving home this afternoon after going to eat with a friend & ended up behind him after he left work. I blew my horn & waved. He ended up pulling over which I wasn't intending him to do. We talked for a few minutes & he said that things were moving too fast & he dialed it back a bit because he's not ready for a full on relationship. I told him I understand that & I'm not either. I know he is the kind of person (from school) that doesn't sugar coat things & doesn't hesitate to say what he wants to say. I also know that he & I both really enjoy each other's company & talking to each other. We even kissed good bye. I'm ok with dating casually & being friends but right now I really don't know what he is wanting from me. Just friendship or does he just want a slower relationship with going out here and there but no tied down commitment?

    My question now is: what do I do at this point? Do I act like we are just friends until I hear from him or do I not make any contact at all?

    There is really so much more in the conversations & body language etc that makes me feel like there are feelings there but I cannot explain or put into words.

    Thank you

I'd love to hear from you. Let me know what you think!

*