I remember it like it was just yesterday. The conversation my single girlfriends and I would have over and over again. Whenever one of us had just gone on a first or second date, or had been in a slow moving relationship with the typical non-committal guy we were in denial about. The conversation always inevitably came around to “Why hasn’t he called?”
It was always spoken with that combination of sadness and desperation, with a little trace of hope salted in. We could have had a ringtone on our phones for it. It was the tribal rallying cry, calling all of us together in support of the one whose turn it was to live it. And then the conversation would begin, with us rehashing every single detail of what we had said and done, what he had said and done. Every possible piece of conversation, body language, tone, nuance, and action was meticulously scrutinized as we tried to piece together the answer to that question that was eluding us once again: why hasn't he called? And of course, as supportive girlfriends, we would all offer our best take on the situation, usually filled with lots hope, but with a little dose of realism thrown in, trying to make sense of a situation that doesn’t have much sense to it to begin with. Until eventually, we would run out of possibilities and resign ourselves to either waiting it out some more, or relieving our anxiety by just calling him ourselves.
Well, after asking the same question myself more times than I would like to admit, and hearing it from my girlfriends about the same number of times, I know the answer that we all really knew even back then. That the real reason he hasn’t called is because this guy is just not that interested. At least right now.
I know; that’s hard to hear. But would it make it easier to hear it if you knew how much the realization could save you so much heartbreak? Would it help to know that by realizing the truth now, before you put so much of your body, heart, and soul into this relationship, you could save yourself from so much more pain down the road? Because here’s the thing, if he’s interested in you, nothing will be able to keep him from calling you. Guys aren’t like that. When they’re interested, they keep trying. Until you clearly let them know you’re not interested – and even then, they sometimes don’t get it and keep trying.
Now I know there are some really, really shy guys out there who you might be thinking are the exception. But if you’re putting out subtle hints to this guy you’re interested in that you really are interested in him, he’s going to get the hint and respond. By calling you! Even if he’s on the shy side. And with a guy who’s a player, well, there’s no stopping him. In the beginning, he’s calling you … a lot. But if it seems that the calls start to be growing farther apart, be forewarned. That’s a fairly common characteristic with the type of guy who’s broken more than his share of hearts. Just ask all my single friends. But guys just aren’t wired to sit back and wait for you to call them. They’re into pursuing. And calling. Because a genuinely interested guy wants to get to know you. He wants to spend time with you. He wants to find out who is this beautiful woman known as you. He wants to find out if the two of you might be compatible. He wants to find out if you’re interested. If he’s interested.
Now, there’s also the chance of the guy being confused by the so-called three day rule, made infamous in the movie Swingers back in the 90’s. Unfortunately, if he falls into this category it’s a sign of bigger issues, which is a topic for another post. If this is the case, you may want to, one time, explain to him that the three day rule is absolutely ridiculous, forgive him for his uninformed folly, and give him one more chance to get it right.
The other possibility is that he might be interested in you, but he might not be interested in a relationship. And that means he might not call right away either. So don’t take it too personally. It’s not about you as much as it’s about him being in a relationship in general. Because let’s face it, some guys aren’t sure what they want, some guys are a little confused, some guys are a little (or a lot) scared, and some guys aren’t mature enough to know what they’re doing. And if you’re giving off the vibe that you’re interested in a relationship and he isn’t, then chances are good that he won’t call or he’ll delay calling for a while. But that’s a good thing – because then you know what you’re dealing with. Do you get that? You’re being saved from more heartbreak down the road.
Trust me on this one - there’s nothing worse than being led on with your full heart into a guy only to find out later you’re both on opposite sides of the page when it comes to commitment. That’s the stuff sad songs are made of. So don’t despair if your phone isn’t ringing. Take it as a sign. And if you’re not convinced, by all means, come right out and talk to him or call him if that will make you feel better. To know. He might not be able to come right out and be direct himself, but at least he’ll know for sure where you stand. And if he’s not the right one, well, consider yourself lucky to be finding out early on.
P. S. Just in case you were wondering, while there is a very small chance that the guy that hasn’t called is lying injured in a ditch somewhere and can’t reach his cellphone, it’s really quite unlikely. As much as that might be easier on us if it were true.
About Jane
Hey, I agree with the whole piece and it actually helped me to read that perhaps it's not that the guy is not interested in me, but maybe he's not interested in a relationship. Anyway I just don't understand why at the end of the post you had to contradict the whole point by writing "well if you really want to then call him."
I am not going to call this guy because I am sure he knows where to find me, and if he was decently interested in me he'd know that the longer he waits, the more chances are I will be BUSY by then (hopefully with another date, or maybe with my shrink! Can't be sure about that
Because, Sabrina, sometimes, no matter how much we hear that he will call if he's interested in us and a relationship and won't if he's not, so many of us still want to believe that our particular situation is different, that somehow there's something more to our story and the particular guy we're talking about. So my point is that if, even after hearing this, and even if it makes logical sense in our heads that an interested guy will call and that silence means he is not, many of us have a hard time moving on and letting go without something from him, even if it's more silence. So for those of us who simply need to keep trying, to keep attempting to get some closure from him, an explanation or something more concrete than that silence, it's not going to change anything to call him. If you need to that badly, then following a "rule" not to call him, can be so much harder on us than reaching out and getting more of nothing from him, or getting a false answer that often comes when a guy is put on the spot who isn't comfortable with such direct communication. It's a journey to get to that place where we can simply say "next!" when he doesn't call, and refuse to take it personally. A journey that each of us comes to in our own time and in our own individual ways. It sounds like you have figured this out, Sabrina, and that is no small thing!
I'm not good with relationships, hence reading this article, but think at some point especially the older we get and the more experience we have, the more we were hurt, the easier it gets to just say NEXT and not pursue something that actually felt right. But so what if you're rejected? At least you were true to yourself and gave it a try.
I don't believe all guys are the same, it's not easy for me to be attracted to some guy, so I don't want to say NEXT before I'm sure that guy isn't worth it after all. I also have my issues and would like him to be patient and understanding before easily moving on to the next girl =/
So true, Carina; it's that experience that can only come from going through this as many times as we may need to before we're ready to see the light and do something different, that gets us to that confident place of "Next!"
The reasons may be different but the action is the same. Regardless of the reason, one has to force themselves to be in the "next" mindset. I really liked someone who didn't call back and brushed me off. I discovered "Next" by Debi Berndt, a meditation, and keep listening to it as I meet new people.
So true, Jackie; it really is a mindset that covers everything! Thanks for sharing and for the meditation recommendation.
I'm 23 and joined OkCupid! about a month ago. I went out with this guy last week - although I had seen his pictures, it still felt like a blind date! My heart was racing before we finally met, but it went away pretty quickly when I saw him. His profile said he was 5'11", but he was more like 5'9." We went to a cafe and had a cup of coffee. This was my first date in about 8 months... I suck at dating!
TO make the long story short - our date was on Saturday, he texted me on Monday... it's now Thursday.. it's been 3 days! I'm hoping he hasn't watched Swingers! I look back on our date and kinda wished I had shown more interest in me. I suck at flirting... need to work on that.
But I need to accept that meeting the love of your life is going to take time... it's not gonna be the first guy you meet from OkCupid!
I think many of us have felt the same way at some point in our dating lives, Stephanie - so try not to be so hard on yourself.
If it's meant to be, it will be, because if someone on the same page as you, he will want to find out more about you and will actively be pursuing you and letting you know. If he hasn't called, it's often for the best if we are open to seeing it that way.
You're so right to realize that it's about accepting that it takes time, and sometimes a lot of unexpected twists and turns along the way, before you will meet that special someone. If you can remember that you are so young, and have so much to offer, and so much to discover about life and love and yourself along the way - and view this as an adventure and not a mission - you will make this all so much easier on yourself.
I love your article! I am currently going through this situation. I met a guy in the Dominican Republic and for three days he was all over me. This was a big party weekend so it was odd. Like he came to my door every night and made his intentions clear. On his last night he asked if I was interested in keeping in touch and I told him of course. After getting my number he also told me he would not be calling me right away. We fooled around that night and the next morning before he left he found me to say goodbye and said he would call. Well I have been back for 4 days now and no call. I know it may be premature but I just don't understand what could have happened.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Daneas. It's always so hard to understand the "why?" of this all too common scenario, but know that this is really about him, and not about you. Try not to take what he does or doesn't do so personally. You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him, and pursues you so that you never have to wonder where things stand. Know that if he doesn't call, it's ok, because you really don't know him well enough yet to know that he's even worth being in your life beyond the time you spent with him. Make sure he deserves you!
hi, its my first time in this site..and i feel interested to know more bout any topic discussed
Welcome, Maddy! So glad you found your way here; check back often to be part of any and all discussions!
I know we said situation = different but result = same. He is not calling. My situation I really haven't come across. Met a great guy three weeks ago. He did the initiating and I was the right level of responsive. He's older than me, divorced 10 years and has a successful small business for 28 that he's rather hands on with. Previously was a HS basketball coach and goes to mass every Sunday. Found out we grew up in the same city and we actually knew some of the same people from back in the day. Very affectionate, asked for more pics. We kissed but never slept together but was talking about it. Having own busn was hard to make advanced plans and also then not ODing on texting and emailing. Had a falling out on outlooks re US history, then I was very stressed over a filing at work and over an issue that flared up with my ex. He didn't like that I was salty over the ex issue and thought I needed to take some time to get over/resolve better our issues. I did say to him that I wished I'd met him a little later because I was recently new to dating again. He said we and I had a great deal of potential but I needed to think about what I really wanted and make sure the ex issues are really resolved. We have not talked since. I've reached out but not chased or behaved needy. I was thinking of looking him up in 6 or 9 months because I think he's right about his recommendation. What do you think?
Whenever an ex is still in the picture enough to cause an issue in a new relationship, Dana, that's usually a red flag that there's still some time and space needed before entering into a new relationship with someone else.
It sounds like both of you are in agreement on this, so I don't think there's anything wrong with looking him up again when you feel like you've resolved whatever issues came up with your ex, and you're truly ready for someone new in your life, and not so recently out of a relationship.
Rebounds are always something to be aware of, and it sounds like he's being cautious to make sure you're both on the same page, which is a very healthy thing! Trust that if there is something there for both of you, you'll know, and time won't be an issue. When it's meant to be, the timing is always right.
I recently broke up with my long term boyfriend and it has been quite tough. I am therefore hugely on the rebound and find myself switching from likeing guy to guy. I met this guy at a house party a fortnight ago - we hit it off, went back to his and slept together. I was happy, it was fun and it was a good distraction. As I was leaving the next morning, I knew in my mind that that was it and I wasn't going to see him again and that didnt bother me. But then he asked for my number - which I gave to him. I wish I hadnt though now as I find myself checking my phone to see if he has messaged etc. This makes me cross... why would he ask for my number if he wasnt going to message back? What makes me more cross is that i wasnt even interested and now he isnt messaging me - I want to see him again!
So many possible reasons, Kitty; none of which really have anything to do with you, but everything to do with him. He may have felt like it was the right thing to do to make him feel better about himself - to ask for your number so that it wouldn't appear to be just a one night thing for him. Remember that he might not know that you were ok with your time together just being a fun distraction. I know it's maddening when something like this happens, and you're left wondering why and then when.
Remind yourself what you already know to be true; you don't know him well enough to know if you even really want him calling you. Obviously, there was a reason you gave him your number, so don't be too hard on yourself. We've all done things that we regret, but know that it's so much better to find out that he's not following through now, then after he'd been calling for awhile only to stop calling.
And sometimes, this type of scenario triggers that feeling of wanting to be wanted even if we're not really interested, so check in with yourself to see if that might be going on for you as well, in which case, you can put that in perspective and move on knowing it really doesn't matter. When you're with someone who's right for you, you'll both be on the same page. He'll be wanting to call you and you'll be wanting him to call you. That's the way it's meant to be!
You are completely right - It was that feeling of being wanted that made me give him my number - even though deep down I had no interest in staying in contact. I guess I just don't like that feeling of not being in control of the situation, and feel that he now has the upper hand as I messaged him and he never responded.
However, I have to stop beating myself up about it and just move on.. Like you said, its just nice to know that you are wanted - so when this happens you obviously feel the opposite.. I have learnt my lesson though. That was my 1st one night stand and Im not sure if I would like to do it again. Its crazy how extreme my emotions are at the moment - its been 2 months since my break up and I am just so up and down.
Give yourself time to heal, Kitty; going through a break up is never easy, regardless of how long it's been. We all have different timetables on how long the process of letting go and moving on takes, and most of us experience all kinds of emotional highs and lows as we go through it. I've found the most loving we can do for ourselves is to take a break from dating and relationships completely during this time, and simply focus on the beautiful person know as you for a change. Who are you? What do you like to do? What makes you happy, inspired, excited, passionate, etc.? What would you like to try that you never thought you could do? What makes you strong? What do you want your life to look like?
Sometimes when we're in a relationship, we can be so focused on someone else or on ourselves in relation to that person, that we forget to give ourselves that same kind of attention until we're alone and find ourselves forced to finally spend some time really getting to know ourselves better. It's then that we often find that what we're looking for isn't necessarily what we thought we wanted or what we held onto so tightly as if it was the only thing that mattered. While there may be so much pain in those goodbyes, there is so much more to life and love if we open our eyes and our hearts and see all that is waiting for us to embrace, even if it comes from the ashes of a broken heart.
Much love to you, Kitty. You will get there, too!
Thank you Jane. You really have brightened up my day
I will keep on looking out for your posts - they all really do hit the nail on the head!