If I knew then what I know now … words of wisdom to my younger self: What every woman needs to know about the search for Mr. Right (Part 1).

I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately from women wondering about what they should be doing to try to find him.  The guy who’s Mr. Right for them.  And I’m hearing you all very clearly.  What you’re saying behind the words.  You want some reassurance.  You want to know it’ll happen to you.  You want to know what to do, how do it – basically, you want in on the secret to finding him so that you can finally relax and just know it’s coming.  Your own true love.  So I’ve decided to do a special series of blog posts for you on something I think you’ll all benefit from.  I’m putting myself in your shoes and remembering when I was wondering all those same things too.  Except I didn’t have anyone to ask at the time.  So come listen in on some words of wisdom from who I am now to the inexperienced woman I was a few years ago, when I was desperately trying to figure this all out  …

Part 1:  If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t hold on so tightly to relationships that I thought were the best I was going to get. 

I would know that I deserved better than that, and that it was only in refusing to settle for less that I would finally get it right.

Why do we sometimes hold on so tightly to something that isn’t working for us?  To someone that isn’t giving us what we deserve?  Isn’t treating us the way we deserve to be treated?  Isn’t loving us the like the way we were meant to be loved?  Anytime a relationship I was in started taking a turn for the worse – whether it was that he wasn’t calling as much, wasn’t paying as much attention to me, he was out with his buddies more than he was with me, or I just had some gut feeling that something had changed for him – I started hanging on tighter.  Yep.  Tighter.  As in, I started getting scared tighter.  Started thinking he was on his way out and I had to quickly do something to turn it around.  So I’d decide to try sexier.  Prettier.  Funnier.  Cooler.  You get the picture.

Instead of looking at the current state of affairs and choosing to either come right out and ask him about it, or to ride it out and see what happened while focusing more on me and living my own life, I dug in my heels.  Nope. Not healthy, not honoring of me, not about realizing my own worth; when he pulled away from me, it brought out every abandonment issue I’d ever had and left me desperately trying to turn things around by pulling out all the stops and becoming everything I thought he wanted me to be.  Instead of just being myself. And accepting that maybe we just both weren’t on the same page and maybe it was time to see the writing on the wall.

Anyone relate?  Why do we continue to do this to ourselves?  Let’s just come right out and ask him what’s going on with him or take what he’s able to give us but expand our own world to make up the difference.  But hanging in there and remaining silent on what we’re observing, while we’re pretzeling ourselves to be whatever we think we need to be more of to get him to change, isn’t going to bring him any closer to us.  In fact, it will most likely have the opposite effect.

But what if we could see it as a gift?  That he’s not where we are, not on that same page as us right now, and not quite sure how to let us know except by putting some distance between us.   Because he’s insecure too!  He doesn’t know how to tell us directly – that he’s not the guy for us.  And whether we like it or not, what we see is who he is and where he’s at right now.  And that’s the point.  The present.  Right now.  That ideal we have in our mind, those dreams we’ve got – there all ours, not his.  And whether he’d be the perfect guy for us if he’d just spend a little more time with us isn’t the point.  He’s showing us what he’s capable of right now. And that is the point.

So decide.  Talk to him or let it ride while making up the difference with your own life.  But don’t hold on so tight when he’s not.  When he’s letting you know by his actions that he’s not as into you as you’re into him.  Give him the space he’s asking you for.  And then reassess what you’re really getting out of this relationship.  And if the writing’s on the wall, let it go.  Let him go.  Without hard feelings.  Because as hard as it is to admit it to ourselves sometimes, some relationships are just not meant to be.  Some guys are just not the ones for us.  And you deserve better than that.  Better than settling for someone’s crumbs.  Because there really is someone out there who will treat you better than that.  Who’s waiting for you to come along as much as you’re waiting for him. The irony is, it’s only when we refuse to settle for anything less than we deserve that we find out we don’t have to.

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