You're Ok, He's Ok – Just not for each other

A beautiful woman is mad at her boyfriend standing in the background facing away because he won't commit or doesn't want a committed relationship from herI know.  It’s hard to hear it.  We want it to work so badly.  It’s got all the makings of a real relationship if he were ready to commit.  But that’s the thing.  He’s not and you are.  And that’s why it’s over before it even begins.  I know, you’re thinking if you just give it some time, he’ll come around.  But I’ve been there right where you are enough times to know that it doesn’t get any better.  Really.  As much as you want to believe it, it’s really not worth the time to find out if it might by some remote chance turn around.  It usually just gets worse.

Because he’s not a bad guy –he just doesn’t have the heart to tell you it’s not happening.  And it’s not because of you either.  You’d be perfect for him – if a committed relationship is what he was looking for.  But he’s not.  And you are.  And somehow, this casual dating thing you’ve begun with him just isn’t pointing you both in the same direction.  He’s running scared, trying to keep it just casual because that’s all he’s capable of (he just usually doesn’t have to words to be honest with you like this), and you’re doing the opposite, coming closer because his aloofness is making this all that more attractive to you.  It’s triggering your subconscious belief that you can change him and make him ready for a committed relationship with you.  A belief that you probably didn’t even know was there.  Check out Robin Norwood’s Women Who Love Too Much – it’s all in there.  That book gave me such insight into this phenomenon and why it happens that it’s worth picking up a copy just to save your sanity.  And get you out of there before you get caught up in trying to save something that isn’t there in the first place.

I know firsthand how hard it is to cut your losses. You’re thinking if you can just hold out a little longer; show him more of just how amazing you are, he’ll come around.  And you are amazing.  That’s not the point here at all.  The thing you need to remind yourself is that what the relationship is to you, it’s just not to him.  And as much as you don’t want to believe it, you need to.  To save yourself.  From a whole lot of pain.  Because trust me on this one.  If it’s going to work, you need a guy who wants it to.  Pretty simple.  But it only gets more complicated the more you try to hang on.  Remember, he’s not a bad guy, and you’re still all that.  It’s just not a match. And it’s ok.

If it helps, remember that if it’s meant to be, fate will bring the two of you together some day. That’s how it works.  It’s just not now.  With him.  Or you.  And you know it.  It’s just hard to hear it.  I know.  But remember that you’re worth it.  You deserve someone who’s ready for you.  Not years from now, but right now.  So forget the waiting around part.  It only leads to more waiting around. And that’s not what you deserve.

You deserve the real thing.


  1. Butterfly says

    Thank You for this article!!! But what do you do when he was a good friend of four years and approached you with an interest and in the beginning both let it be known what the other wanted, me (committed relationship), him (non-committed), but both wanting to move forward into a committed relationship down the line. Now four months later and after his many mixed signals and actions between non-committed and committed, confusion and butting heads begins and now possibly a good friendship is lost... *tears*

    • Jane says

      My heart goes out to you, Butterfly; it's so hard to accept that this is how it ends up after what must have seemed like such potential, such movement in the same direction for both of you. And yet, my beautiful friend, as hard as it is to accept; if he is not there, if his mixed signals have come down to where the two of you are seeing that you are not on the same page, and you have tried to work through this, then it becomes about you doing what you need to do for the beautiful woman known as you.

      What you do, Butterfly, is choose you. Choose to do whatever brings you the most peace and calm, choose what will give you the least amount of regret. Choose to accept what you cannot change. If you cannot make him love you, and you can't make him commit to you, then focus on doing what you can do. Honoring and respecting and loving that beautiful woman you are who deserves someone who is on the same page and wants the same thing as you do. That's what love is about; and you can't make it happen if he's not there, no matter how much time and energy and love you have invested - as hard as that is to hear.

      It's never about what could be or what might be or what should be, as much as we want to believe those things, but it is always about reality. I know it's so hard to see that right now, Butterfly, but if you've done all you can, let it go, let it be. If someone is right for you, it will be again, but only if he's there, only if you're both on the same page and want the same thing and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

      Let your tears flow, let them heal you as you go through this, and please know that you are not alone, that you never go through this alone, that there is always someone who understands and feels your pain. You will get through this, Butterfly, by taking baby steps, by being ever so gentle on yourself, and by knowing you've done all you can. Much love to you, my beautiful friend; you will get through this, too.

      • Butterfly says

        Thank you so much for your encouragement...I have been single by choice for 10 years after a long-term and unhealthy relationship of 14 years where I finally let it go and walked away. I took those years to be with myself and heal myself so that I would be that good woman for the right time. And now because this was a person who I considered a friend and that blinded me I feel like I went right back to that unhealthy relationship. As I told the guy when we started having issues, if he knew he wasn't ready for a committed relationship he shouldn't have approached someone who he considered a friend and found a stranger, that way nothing as valuable would be at risk.

        Thank you for the kind words and I know I have to move on. Will be hard since we both are a part of a big social party network and will run into each other at times, but I've done it before and survived and I'll do it again. Keep the great articles coming. :-)

  2. Kailash says

    Hi Jane,
    This article is where I am at.... this guy sends me so many mixed signals. We're friends for a year now, I developed feelings which at first I was mad at myself.... we talk to each other everyday, more than once. He knows I have feelings for him and when we spoke about it he said he is not where he is in life to give back to me. He did not get the opportunity to expand his academic qualifications due to his family's situation back then. With my encouragement he is currently pursuing private classes. I told myself that it is obvious he doesn't want what I want and therefore I had to let go gracefully. I explained to him and for a week thereafter we had no contact. Then he called me and told me that everything he has achieved thus far is because of me and I am his biggest support system and that he cannot do without me. I am an attorney and he didn't finish high school. I get judged by friends for falling for him..... but his material wealth doesn't matter to me. We have had very deep conversations and one minute he is suggesting that we have a future then next minute I am confused, I know this means we have nothing and that I must move on.
    I have opened myself to meeting new guys but thing is I don't know if I should be a friend because alot of the things he is trying to achieve right now is because I brought him there and I feel as though I'd be abandoning him and as I said i want this to be a graceful let go....... I have made many attempts to have the let go conversation and to date it has not happened.... I am so disappointed in myself cause I have the "waiting around" syndrome. I know he is not going to come around, I am very confused as to how guys can want to be just friends when they know the other has grown feelings for them. I could get past these feelings, I know it but I'm not sure whether I should keep him as friend or not............

    • Jane says

      We do the most damage to our beautiful selves when we are so hard on ourselves, Kailash. Don't be disappointed or mad at yourself; you've done the best you could with where you've been at. Sometimes the things that trigger us seem to take on a life of their own. You're human, my beautiful friend, and you're so not alone here.

      These men can stay friends very easily because it keeps us attached to them in some small way, in a way that is very comfortable for them because they are only capable of that small amount. But you, on the other hand, can put yourself through so much unnecessary pain and heartbreak by staying friends with someone that you want more from. That "waiting around" syndrome, as you so aptly call it, doesn't serve you well, my beautiful friend. It's time to stop waiting and start living. It's nothing drastic; it's simply you focusing on you, living your own life and filling it up with people and things that support you and give you a renewed energy and a love for your life with or without a man. When you live like this, when you truly embrace yourself and the concept that you are the one doing the choosing, and not the other way around, what he does or doesn't do becomes inconsequential to your life.

      There's a difference between giving up too soon and giving up too much, Kailash. Always know that it takes two people on the same page to make any kind of a relationship work. You're the prize, my beautiful friend; remember that. You're not the waiting kind. Know that if someone is finally ready for the commitment you've been hoping for, you'll be the first to know and then you can decide what you want to do with that. But don't wait for it. You get this, you know all the sad, heartbroken stories of what waiting has done to the best of us. It's not about money or material things; you'll know if he's truly worthy of you by how he treats you.

      You're the prize, my beautiful friend. You don't ever need to prove anything to anyone by waiting around for someone to choose you!

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