One Word for the Top of Your "Perfect Boyfriend" List

Cartoon of a beautiful woman writing her perfect boyfriend listThere are so many things we think matter. There are so many qualities we all have on our perfect boyfriend list.

Typically, they include words like tall, or well-built, or funny, or ambitious, or fun, or confident, or dark haired, or light haired, or stylish, or wealthy, or, well, you get the picture.

We all have our lists, and they're all different, but they're also all very similar. They all have words that describe the ideal traits that we think we want in a partner.

But the reality is, none of these matter as much as one single word that conveys so much about what really matters, but is so often left off of our lists.


It’s what it means to be kind.

Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines the word kind as:

kindadjective : having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others : wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others

and includes as synonyms the words benevolent, compassionate, affectionate, loving, good-hearted, kindhearted, kindly, softhearted, sympathetic, tender, tenderhearted, warmhearted, attentive and considerate.

Read through those words again. These are the ones I want you to come to know so well so that there’s no mistaking the qualities you’re looking for in someone who’s right for you, who’s worthy of you, who’s deserving of you and all that you have to offer.

You see, my perfect boyfriend list used to look a lot like yours. I had everything on there that I thought were must-haves for anyone that I could possibly be attracted to, let alone spend the rest of my life with.

And while I slowly figured out through lots of trial and error exactly what I did and didn't want, and what the deal breakers were and which qualities really mattered and which ones I could be much more flexible about, nothing compares to what I've learned since then.

It's what I've learned during the rest of the story.

The part that comes after you’re married and have children and real-life jobs and stresses and in-laws and mortgages and all of the other everyday realities that are part of a shared life. That's when you learn what really matters.

That’s when the word kind becomes so much more than just another word on your checklist.

And it’s why, if I had to do this all over again, it’s the one word that would matter about the person I would choose more than anything else.

Kind. Compassionate. Caring. Understanding. Forgiving. Loving. Gentle.

Back when I was dating, before I had a clue just how important these qualities would become, I had so many other concerns about what mattered. That elusive spark used to be at the very top of my list right above “tall, dark and handsome”. It mattered so much to me back then, I can only imagine how many potential men I passed over simply because I never knew just how important this single quality really was.

It’s become the one very most important quality of all.

If it isn't already at the very top of your list, then it needs to be.

So take that list of yours, that long one that you keep updating but leaving the same things at the top that aren't getting you anywhere closer to the real kind of love you deserve, and put this at the top.

Trust me on this one: Most of those things you think are so important right now won’t matter in the long run. In fact, most of them don’t really matter now. You just think they do.

If you take away all your programming (we all have it), take away all the cultural conditioning and the classic fairy tales that we all base so many of our dreams on, what you’re left with is really very simple.

Is he kind?

Because how he treats you - how he is with you - says volumes about the type of person he is. Yes, you need to be attracted to him. Yes, you want to share common interests and beliefs and philosophies. But at the end of the day, what really matters is about something far deeper than anything skin deep.

Whatever you do, don’t miss that part when you're writing your perfect boyfriend list.

Why Do I Still Feel Like It's Not Over?

A beautiful woman in a black dress holds her head in her hands wondering why do I still feel like it's not over?

One of our beautiful friends, who has chosen to call herself "Wanting to Let Go", is asking herself (and us) "Why do I still feel like it's not … [Continue reading]

You Can’t Be the Only One

A beautiful woman sits looking at her phone wondering if he's going to call or text her back.

You can’t be the only one who dreams a dream for two. You can’t be the only one doing all the work, waiting for his calls, taking care of him, … [Continue reading]

He Went Out to Pick Something Up and He Completely Disappeared!

A beautiful woman is on the phone trying to find our where her boyfriend is after he completely disappeared.

One of our loving, caring readers had been living with her boyfriend for several years when he suddenly disappeared on her. Here's her email: Hi … [Continue reading]

You're Always Met Exactly Where You Are

A beautiful woman is rejoicing as she runs through a field in the sunlight.

Like so many of us, I grew up with an idea of God that was handed to me from my parents. And, like most of us, when I was young I believed what they … [Continue reading]

Should I Keep Waiting for a Commitment, Or Move On?

A beautiful woman looks out a window, wondering if she should wait for a commitment or move on from her boyfriend.

Our dear friend Sara has been dating a man for almost 2 years but she's not getting the kind of commitment from him that she wants. She's wondering if … [Continue reading]

Why It's So Hard to “Just Move On”

A beautiful woman sits on a chair resting her head in her hands feeling sad because it's so hard to just move on.

Why is it always so hard to "just move on"? It’s because you can’t move on from you. You can’t move on from what you should have done … [Continue reading]

I Left Him Because He Wouldn't Commit

A compass with the words letting go

Our beautiful friend Sarah left her boyfriend of 5 years because he just wouldn't commit to her. But now she's having trouble letting go. This is … [Continue reading]

Why What's Familiar is Actually Keeping You Stuck


Inspiration often comes to us in the least expected ways. Just the other day I received one of those funny emails that get sent around from my … [Continue reading]

Moving On After a Breakup

A beautiful woman sits on a park bench thinking about moving on after a breakup

Our dear friend K has never felt more conflicted, and is having trouble moving on after a breakup. Her story: Hi Jane, I first stumbled across … [Continue reading]