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Is He a Man-Child?

A beautiful woman sits on a deck feeling frustrated at her boyfriend for acting like a man child.
He disappears at the first sign of any little conflict!

Our beautiful friend, who has called herself "Regretful", is in an on again, off again relationship with a guy that disappears as soon as there is any little conflict.

Here's her story:

Jane,

I have been in a relationship which has been an off again, on again basis. Never any major fights , but any little conflict or misunderstanding and he disappears.

No talking about it. No resolution, no contact from him ever.

It ends up with me doing the crazy messages asking him to at least talk to me and to let me at least explain what happened or what was said or misunderstood. Initially when he would disappear, he would come around but for past year if it happens for what ever reason, it's always me trying to get him to come back and give us another chance.

We always have a wonderful time when we're together and I love him to bits. I grew untrusting of him when we did split up for a 3 months period last year and he was with someone else. I felt maybe he had been in contact with this girl and setting it up before he split from me.

I ran back into his arms when it didn't work out.

This time there was a misunderstanding and he felt offended and hung up on me. It wasn't true what he thought I had said but after my text messages explaining what I actually said he did text back that he was sorry. Since then he will not acknowledge me no matter how hard I try and talk to him.

I'm left angry that we can't have any 'life incident' without this happening.

After a week I said I no longer want to be in a relationship with a Man who can't be around through thick and thin. I don't want to be abandoned every time something happens that he can't deal with. I had told him before that if he just needs space, to let me know and I will give him time but I need to know what is going on.

This time I went to crazy mode and ended it.Continue Reading

Who is he?

A man who is not ready to commit to a relationship is walking away into the foggy distance.
Are you seeing him for who he really is?

Who is this man who holds so much power over you?

Who is he really?

Is he some kind of superhuman? Some kind of god? Some kind of idol?

Someone so amazing, so incredible that he can affect you the way he does?

Look again. A little closer this time. Through the eyes of reality, not of potential.

He’s actually the opposite isn't he? He’s actually very human.

And to anyone else, he isn't really anything special at all. In fact, he’s the one they see so much more clearly than you. They see what he can’t give you. They see how sad you are so often. They see what you put yourself through time and time again in the name of what you always call love, just because you see something in him that they never will.

But you don’t see him that way at all.

The very things that they see and would give them reason to run, you see and it beckons you to come.

He’s the one no one else quite understands the way you do.

He’s the one you feel. He’s the one you sense.Continue Reading

Will I Ever Find Someone Else?

A beautiful woman is sitting on the beach with her hands in a heart shape wondering will I ever find someone else.
Will I ever find the kind of love that I really want?

Our gorgeous friend, who calls herself "Looking for Hope", has recently walked away from a really bad relationship and is worried that she might not find anyone else. (Sound familiar?)

Here's her email:

Dear Jane,

About 6 months ago I walked away from a really bad relationship.

We were together for 5 years and engaged for 2.5 years of that time. After he proposed, he refused to set a wedding date and made up every excuse in the book like “He wasn't ready,” "we needed to save more money", or “he wanted to get to know me more.”

I drove myself crazy blaming myself for his lack of commitment and in order to put us in a better financial position I dedicated myself to paying off all of my student loans and investing in savings.

Once we got engaged, he became a workaholic where his career was his number 1 priority and starting a family or having a relationship with me was always on the back burner! I did and tried EVERYTHING, until one day it hit me that this had nothing to do with me and it had everything to do with him and his inner issues.

So, I told him that this wasn't fair anymore that I was ready for the rest of my life whether it was with or without him, that whenever I agreed to getting engaged to him we made plans of prioritizing each other and a future family and now his work was becoming the center of his life and that was not a life that I had agreed to.

It was time for him to decide what road to take, a marriage with me or the career that would make him millions of dollars.Continue Reading

The One Little Action That Changes Everything

A beautiful woman is questioning her pre-programmed beliefs
It's time to question everything.

Sometimes my inspiration comes in the middle of the night. When I'm awakened for no apparent reason and can't get back to sleep. I used to resist these times as I so value my sleep, but I'm learning to roll with it because I'm finding that some of my best writing comes during these times, when I turn my thoughts to what you most need to hear from me.

How can I reach you? How can I give you more of what you need? These are the questions that come into my mind when I lay down but sleep is not forthcoming.

And this is why I say you never cry alone, because there is someone thinking of you even in the middle of the night, wherever you happen to be and whatever you happen to be going through.

Last night was just such a night, as I threw around some words and ideas in my head to see what might become more clear to me, two words appeared that grew into so much more.

Question everything.

It's how the life-changing "aha" moments happen. It's the excavation tool that unearths the big one, the reality of you and me.

You see, when you're a good little girl and you do exactly as you're told, you don't question much of anything. Not because there aren't a million questions within you, but because we quickly realize there's not much sense in asking when the response we receive – that "It's just the way it is. Now go run along and play." – doesn't leave us much room for questions.

It was so much easier for them – our parents, our teachers, our instructors, our caregivers – to simply give us the pat answers that didn't require any more effort on their part, because after all, everything was more easily controlled that way.

But without questioning the little things, how will we ever question the big things that really matter? If we never feel like we have a right to question the messages we receive and the programming that lies underneath, how will we ever feel our even greater right to question what doesn't seem right? How will we trust our instincts, our gut instinct that always knows? How will we trust ourselves that we might know something more than someone bigger than us might know?

It's how you discover who you are.Continue Reading

Sex On the First Date

A beautiful woman and man are  becoming intimate.
I had sex on the first date - did I ruin my chances?

Our beautiful friend, Ashley, is concerned that having sex on the first date with a guy she's crazy about may have ruined her chances for a real, long lasting relationship with him.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

Long story short, I am crazy about this guy I've been seeing for a week and half. lol.

He lives and hour and half away.

I met him at a DJ class he was teaching a few months ago. He gave me his business card and I emailed him about DJ stuff. He responded then I heard nothing from him until 2 weeks ago.

He invited me to go to a DJ cafe with him in his town. So I went we hit it off, he was a gentleman and paid for everything.

We ended up having sex that night.

And we've been texting ever since. He texts me good morning and text throughout the day. He came to my town to celebrate my birthday with me on Saturday.

I know it's kind of soon, but I want more out of this relationship, I want him to be my boyfriend. It hasn't even been a full 2 weeks yet though, and I'm nervous that having a sexual relationship with him so soon ruined my chance.

What should I do?

- Ashley

My Response:

Continue Reading

9 Simple Things You Can Do to Lift Your Pre-Valentine's Day Spirits

A beautiful woman is happy drinking  a cup of coffee on a winter day near Valentine's day.
Here are a few simple and easy ways to lift your spirits this week!

It's almost Valentine's Day. The day that so many of us can't help but think about love. About what it is and what it isn't. And more than anything else, about the love we want and the love we so often feel we have to try to get from someone else.

And if you, like so many of the beautiful women here in our community, are finding yourself without a date to spend this Valentine's Day with, just know that you're not alone.

While it's easy to say that it's just another day, I know all too well how it's also all too easy to start feeling down, especially with all of the attention given to this holiday that's all about having someone special in your life.

So with that in mind, I've got something simple for you today. A little something to shift just a little for a moment onto someone that deserves a little extra love and attention than we normally give her.

Yes, I'm talking about you.

Get out your to-do list or a blank sheet of paper and follow along with me for some attention to detail that we often miss along the way.

Here are nine things you can do, right now, that are completely under your control, that will get things moving in the right direction:Continue Reading

I Don't Want Him to Have the Last Word

A woman is looking at her tablet reading a nasty email from her ex after a break up.
I want to respond to his nasty email, but I know I shouldn't.

Our gorgeous friend, who I'll call "Madeline", was very hurt by a nasty email from her ex after their break up. She's having a very hard time letting go, and wants to let him know just how much he has hurt her with the things he said.

Here's her email:

Thank you for all of the tips to make this new year successful!

I am a 58 year old woman that was in a long term (17 year) on and off relationship.  Right after New Years, he broke it off (not the first time) and said some very hateful and nasty things when he did (via email, of course).

Maybe I should back up a little.....

I live in CA and he lives in Oregon.  I have lived in Oregon with him and he has lived in CA with me and 3 times we have gone our separate ways, only to eventually work things out and get together again.

8 years ago, he lived with me in CA and I asked him to leave he had a horrible gambling problem and had started to put walls up all around.Continue Reading

How Calling or Texting Him Only Changes One Thing

A woman is wondering if she should call or text him.
Calling or texting him won't change him, but it will change you!

It's the 21st century. A most confusing time when it comes to the age-old question of "Can I call him or do I have to wait for him to call me?"

And I know you've been overwhelmed with so many different answers to that one question. Everyone seems to have a different answer for you, with different reasons to back them up and different way of letting you know. But behind all this confusion, lies a simple basic truth that has always been the same, that will never change regardless of what our culture chooses to do.

If you call him or text him when you haven't heard from him, it won't change the way he feels about you, it won't change whether or not he was going to call you anyway.

But it will change you.

Because there's something we do with ambiguous situations like this. We go to our #1 go-to place - that place known as "overthinking".

The one where we question whether we shouldn't have said something. Or if we should have said something else instead of what we did say. Where we get hung up on  what he thought, or what his response (or non-response) meant.

Where we blame ourselves completely for what we should have known. Or for even calling or texting him at all.

This is what changes us! Continue Reading