I Know I Need to Let Go, But I Can't!

a beautiful woman is holding her head with her hands because she feels like she's going insane over her boyfriend that won't commit.
After 4 years of this, I feel like I'm going INSANE!

One of our beautiful readers, who has chosen to remain anonymous, is in a toxic relationship with a bad boy that she knows is no good for her, but she can't let go.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane.

I really don't know what to do anymore - I have been holding on to this problem for 4 years now and I'm getting INSANE!

It all started 4 years ago when I was 18 years old - I met this boy who became my boyfriend.

We went to the same high school, and I was looking at him for 3 years before he noticed me and came over to talk. Few months later we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He was my first real boyfriend and I was so in love with him.

I can't even describe it - but I'm sure you know it feels.

I did everything for him, I did everything to see him, I lied to my parents to sneak out, I became a total different person (I see that now).

He has always been the good looking guy that every girl on the school wanted and talked about. So I was sooooo happy to finally GET him - because he never really had a real girlfriend before.

It was like fire and ice. We were so different. I was/am the sweet little innocent girl, and he is the bad boy.. But I felt so attracted to him. Everyone told me to stay away from him though…..

Anyways - we were together for 10 months and then something bad happened…Continue Reading

The Truth About Happily Ever After

And they lived happily ever after
But what did that look like?

You know that dream you have of happily ever after?

Well, I have some good news for you: There really is a happily ever after. It exists.

It’s just different from the book and movie versions we all grew up with.

The ones in the stories read aloud to us as children and the versions based on the same themes we later watched on television and in movie theaters as we grew older. Whatever the particular story, they all had the same ending we would come to expect and look forward to: the one that ended with the prince sweeping the damsel in distress off her feet and the final words, whether they were spoken or simply implied, "… and they lived happily ever after".

It wasn't until much later in life that I began to wonder, "How?"

Because after so many failed attempts at my own version of these same fairy tales that seemed so elusive to me, it became the question I so desperately wanted to know the answer to. "What happened next?"

But of course, that’s where the story always ended and we never heard what really happened after they got together. After the glow of the initial attraction was no longer the only thing each other saw, and the real story played out.

Continue Reading

My Boyfriend is Choosing His Career Over Our Love

Love or career image - a chalkboard showing a hand drawn balance with the words love and career.
Is your boyfriend choosing his career over love?

One of our beautiful readers, Emily, is in a relationship with a man who is choosing his career over her.

Here's her story:

I am a fifty-three (year old) single woman, never been married with no children. I have not had a relationship with a man for ten years.

I haven’t been attracted to a man in that time; that part of my life didn't exist.

Over eight months ago I met a man through my work that attracted me deeply. He is an executive of a global company and is committed to his work. I have been passionate about my work so find that part of him attractive as well. I have been independent for so long myself.

We work in similar fields so have a lot in common.

Due to his work, he mainly communicates with me by text and there was a time, I may not hear from him for weeks. He was very direct in contacting me and in saying how he feels.

Having a man find me attractive is new to me. When we meet it is wonderful. I love talking to him and feel overcome by how he makes me feel. He is a kind and intelligent man. Over the past year, I have changed.

He has changed me. I now recognize I am a sexual attractive woman.

Over the past few months we have become closer. He is in contact more and says he loves me. I can feel that when I see him. We also live in different cities, which makes it harder. However, as he lives in a city where my family live I visit often. It is usually his work that hinders us in meeting. He travels overseas regularly and works nights.

Last week I visited him to catch up before he traveled overseas again.

I hadn't seen him in months, although he sends me regular texts, recently saying he loves me. I began to feel deeply for him and that I could love him too.Continue Reading

What Love Really Is

What love really is - symbolized by the word love written with twigs on bark with a red rose.
What's YOUR definition of Love?

Love

What is it really about?

What are we spending so much of our time and energy trying to find? We say it’s love, we’re looking for love, but what exactly does that mean? And as one reader asked me in her quest to understand this subject, how do you know you’re in love? How do you define the feeling?

For so many of us, we thought it was simple. You meet someone you feel all those excited feelings with, you’re attracted to them,  you feel an attraction from them that tells you they feel something to, and you begin dating, getting to know each other better, and eventually commit to each other in an exclusive relationship which leads to marriage – if that’s what you’re looking for.

Except, if you’re like most of us here, that’s not how it went down. In fact, that’s not at all how it happened.

Instead, you had feelings, he had feelings, it felt like you were falling in love. You got to know each other better in this cultural thing we do called dating, and then suddenly – or so it seemed to you – something changed and he became emotionally distant.

He pulled away, created more distance and left you with a broken heart feeling like you still love him and the feelings are still there. For you, but not for him.

So what is it?

What is it about this picture of love that gets played over and over again regardless of who we are, regardless of who he is, regardless of how strong our feelings may be?Continue Reading

How Can I Face the Void and Survive This Break Up?

A man is sitting on his couch reading a break up letter, wondering how he is going to survive this break up.One of our wonderful readers, Liam, has just received the break up letter from his girlfriend of 2 years. He has written me asking how he's going to survive this break up.

Here's his email:

First, these articles are mostly written for young, single women.

I am a divorced man in my 50's, a great and successful guy, sensitive, intelligent, fit and attractive and thought I found my true love.  She keeps abruptly breaking things off after two years when we get close, and stopped being romantic yet she calls me her best friend.

I feel stuck.

I have stepped back without contact but this situation also happened with my ex-wife of fourteen years.  I'm afraid I am too good of guy sometimes or just keep picking the wrong person.  I thought this person was different.

What do I do?Continue Reading

Everything But Love

A heart with a red slash through it.I often find inspiration for my articles and posts in unexpected ways from sources I don't always anticipate. Yes, I get tons and tons of inspiration from your comments, your letters, your facebook posts and messages and from the wonderful conversations within the community we've built here. But sometimes it comes right out of left field.

The inspiration for this post came the other day while I was on hold.

Instead of the usual "elevator" music, this time I found myself listening to a song I hadn't heard since my early single days (and it was considered an oldie even then).

"I want you (I want you...), I need you (I need you...), but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you; Now don't be sad (don't be sad...), cause two out of three ain't bad."

With a bit of a jolt, it all came rushing back to me.

I used to love this song!

I'd belt it out at the top of my lungs in the car (with the windows up), in the shower, or whenever it came on the radio and I happened to be in a place where I felt free to sing out loud.

But now with all I knew and everything I'd learned and all the cultural programming – including songs just like this – behind all the ideals I used to hold onto, I listened to the words in disbelief.

Wait - what?Continue Reading

How Do I Get Out of the Friend Zone?

A beautiful woman is standing next to a tree in a park smiling at her male friend, wondering how to get out of the friend zone.One of our beautiful readers, Elizabeth, is wondering how to get out of the friend zone with a guy who, by all standard definitions, seems to be interested in her, but is telling her that he's not attracted to her.

Here's her email:

I've read most of your emails and find them very inspiring. I have a unique situation of friend vs lover.

I've had a crush on a 29 year old male, I am 30.

We have traveled together to Japan and plan to do so in the future to Switzerland, Utah and possibly China.

He's what I call a shy nerd, had only one girlfriend in his whole life and only for 3 months. I never had one myself aside from online boyfriends and dates from online dating sites.

He's smart, goofy, sincere and handsome.

He and I clicked playing baseball and talking about nuclear fusion. We attend lectures together that inspires the future. We have spoke about advances of the world and books we love to read. Our parents get along, and we feel comfortable together. He would drive an hour just to see me almost every weekend and if I don't talk to him for more than a week he'd be 'concern' and call and text til I reach him.

I expressed my feelings for him and he declined it, more than once. Sating he was unattracted to me.

Usual response?

Ignore him and continue life. But he won't let me!

He'd text and insist why am I ignoring him? If I am upset with him, or if I state "I am busy" he'd prod as to "what have you been doing?"Continue Reading

Something to be Grateful For

A beautiful blond woman is sitting with her back to her boyfriend as they break up.You know all those songs about being grateful that you didn't get what you wanted (think: Beyonce, The Best Thing I Never Had)?

Well, there's a reason.

Because when this is all over, this "going through" process that you're trying so hard not to fight right now, you'll be writing your own version of this song.

Because this isn't just about a relationship, it's about your life.

It's about being able to trust what you didn't believe you could. It’s about seeing things for yourself in the only way we ever really learn those real lessons in life. By going through them firsthand.

Those are the lessons that we never forget.

I understand all too well just how hard it can be to believe that, and how tired we can be of hearing our well-meaning friends and family offer the empty promises with words like “it’s going to get better soon”.

And then we wait.

And wait.

And still nothing changes. Or so we think.

But oh how much is going on that we’re not even aware of! There are so many changes happening that we can’t yet see.  Maybe not now in real time, but look back and see how it was always a piece of the puzzle coming together.

The call that never comes. That committed relationship he never gets to.Continue Reading