The Real Reason He Won't Commit

A beautiful woman is upset with her guy because he won't commit to her and she can't understand why he doesn't want a committed relationship.We make this so much more complicated than it needs to be.

We look for every possible reason why someone won’t commit to us. Why he just doesn't want a committed relationship.

We search high and low within his background, his history to figure this out.

Why won’t he commit? What is it about commitment that makes him so afraid of it?

Why can’t he see the potential that you see so clearly?

And in this search that takes on a life of its own until it becomes our very lives, you linger the longest in the places where you come in.

What is wrong with me? you wonder. And you pick yourself apart.

What do I need to do to get him back to where he was? And you try anything and everything.

What about this is loving?

I ask you.

What about this is love? Nothing.

Unless it’s a distorted version that you've come to believe is love. But it’s not.

And yet you continue to do this to yourself time and time again.

It’s time to free yourself.

With the knowledge that there’s only one reason he’s not making a commitment to you; it’s because he doesn't want to. 

He doesn't want to be saved. He doesn't want to be rescued. He doesn't want to be changed. He doesn't want you to make him your project – or your responsibility.

He wants to be free to be who he is.

And right now, this is who he is. And he’s quite happy being this way.

This reality check is what frees you - but only if you allow it to. Because the reality is, it’s not about you. He’s going to do what he’s going to do.

But what you do have everything to say about is where you go from here. It’s not about you, so let yourself be freed. Freed from trying to make it about you. Freed from believing you can do something to bring him around, to change his mind, to help him see the light.

You’re free to be you with your own valid needs and desires. And he’s free to be who he is. It’s not personal; it never is, no matter how much you want to make it be.

When you tell him you’re done and all he says is “OK” ... this is your reality check.

He’s not there.

When you ask him why and he says he doesn't know … this is your reality check. The reason never matters.

When you try every trick in the book to try to turn this around and it doesn't work … this is your reality check. He doesn't want to be turned around.

This is where he’s at, this is what he’s comfortable with, and now it's your move.

No more trying to squeeze water from stones, my beautiful friend. Leave it right there where it wants to be - doing exactly what it wants to be doing - and go live your own beautiful life.

Just watch what shows up when you stop trying to change what doesn't want to be changed!

Did I Scare Him Away?

A beautiful woman is wondering did I scare him away by her actions.

Here's an email from one of our beautiful readers who is afraid that she may have made a mistake by holding him off for too long. Here's her … [Continue reading]

The Trap Most of Us Fall Into

A mousetrap with a red felt heart representing the trap that many women fall into of comparing themselves to others.

You’re learning by now that being anything but your true self isn't going to help you find the guy or the love that you’re looking for. You’re … [Continue reading]

Is He Just Playing Games?

A beautiful woman is holding her head in her hands wondering if her boyfriend who has commitment issues is just playing games or if he wants a committed relationship.

Our wonderful reader Meghan is wondering what she should do with the guy she's dating who seems to have commitment issues and might be playing games … [Continue reading]

How Your Hidden Beliefs Are Ruining Your Love Life

A beautiful woman in a purple shirt against a blackboard with drawn clouds circling around her wonders how her hidden beliefs are ruining her love life.

What do you think of when you think about true love? Do you think it absolutely happens to everyone, or do you think it's very rare, and only … [Continue reading]

I Love Him But He's Telling Me He Won't Ever Commit

A pencil erasing the word commitment written on white paper, symbolizing a man who suffers from commitment phobia and won't commit or make a commitment and is afraid of a committed relationship.

Here's a letter from one of our lovely readers who's in love with a guy who seems to be suffering from commitment-phobia. Read her story, along with … [Continue reading]

The One Little Thing That's Keeping You Stuck

A woman sits at a desk with a book open, replaying her fairy tale romance story in her head with a castle in the background, illustrating that her story is keeping her stuck in a fairytale.

We all have one. And we’ll do anything to defend it, to keep it going. It keeps us doing the same things over and over again whether it’s … [Continue reading]

The Truth About The Spark

Image of a sparkler against a blue bokeh background representing the truth about the spark in a relationship.

What is it about rejection that makes it feel so devastating? If we were at the level of emotional health where we want to be, when someone doesn't … [Continue reading]

Stop Looking for That Elusive Spark

Photo of a man and woman's hands with a spark going between them, indicating that they feel sexual chemistry which does not necessarily lead to love.

I recently came across a story of a woman who was in a long term relationship (several years) with a man that she described as emotionally available, … [Continue reading]

I Am Guilty

A beautiful woman looks sad because she believes she is guilty in falling for the wrong guy

Dear Jane, First of all lots of love to you for the wonderful work of yours. Your articles give me so much support. Today here I am at this … [Continue reading]