7 Years And Still No Ring

A woman and a man are gripping a rope with a ring on it, signifying the struggle to make him commit to an engagement.
How long do I need to wait for him to put a ring on my finger?

Our friend BeeZee has been in a rocky relationship for 7 years, and is still waiting for him to make a real commitment and put a ring on her finger. She's wondering what she should do at this point.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I'm 28 years old and have only been in 1 relationship, ever. It's been a rocky 7 years but we're still together, and I can't see my life without him.  And I know he would feel the same way about me...

To make a longgggg story short, we have great days and then some not-so-good days. I mean when we "fight", we really fight.

No fight is ever really resolved or handled maturely. It usually ends in him name calling, putting me down or breaking something in my room. And me, of course, crying then having no appetite (and I'm a big foodie). Then we usually don't talk for a few days (even weeks on some occasions ).

He has never lifted a hand on me, nor will he. Obviously the lack of communication is a BIG problem in our relationship, but so is the way that he "handles" things.

Anyway, back to us being together for 7 years... I'm been ready to settle down with him, even with all of the problems that have been swept under the rug. But it's not reciprocated. Yes, we spend every minute and night together, but I can't get him to commit.

I've literally begged for him to move in with me (officially) and it usually ends in me crying again and him getting angry (story of our lives). It seems like a sensitive subject for him, unfortunately...

I've asked him so many times for us to have a 1-on-1 serious conversation about our future together (if there is one), getting married and starting a family ONE day (not overnight or tomorrow).  But he won't open up. Instead he chooses to turn the tables and bring up my past (yes, I've made mistakes - but then again - so has everyone). Continue Reading

Seeing Rejection for What it Really Is (and What it Isn't)

A golden egg amidst white eggs  symbolizing that differences does not equate to rejection.
It's not rejection - it's just two different pages.

I was just five years old when I had my first hard lesson in rejection.

I was about to lose my first tooth and I was so excited to share this experience with my best friend Sarah, so I called her house to tell her.

She was excited too.

Then a few minutes later, as it became even more loose and felt like it might fall out, I called her again to tell her about this very important (at least to two five year olds) update. She once again shared in my excitement.

Then, a few minutes later, it fell out. And so I called her again to tell her this big news.

But this time when her mother answered she was not nearly as excited as her daughter and I were. In fact, before I could get a word in, she told me to stop calling. To say that I was devastated is putting it mildly. My little 5 year old world was absolutely shattered beyond recognition.

Why do I remember this story like it was yesterday?

Why do I now, as I recount the story, still feel like that little 5 year old girl standing on a chair to reach the wall-mounted phone, so excited to share her life event with her best friend, only to be utterly devastated by such an unexpected response?Continue Reading

The Confidence We Were Never Given

A beautiful young woman is figure skating, building her confidence and enjoying her passion.
It's time to let your light shine!

I've recently taken up ice skating again.

You may remember this post where I mention my aspirations to become a professional figure skater as a young girl. I rediscovered my love of ice skating in my late twenties during my own personal quest to find my passions and create the life I always wanted – and rediscovered the little girl with such big dreams in the process.

As happens with life sometimes, the ice skates went into a box and got put in the back of the closet along with a lot of other things while more pressing priorities (like raising small children) took over the forefront of my life.

But now, I'm happy to say, they're once again seeing not only the light of day, but the beautiful cold smoothness of the ice once again. This time around I'm skating with my kids, and it's an amazingly enjoyable activity for me to do with them.

Whenever the music's playing over the sound system, the disco lights are flashing and I'm gliding over the freshly cleaned ice, I get that feeling like the world's my oyster once again.

Like anything is possible.

And that feeling is the exact reason why I’m always encouraging you to find a form of creative expression that speaks to you. Something you love and can feel passionate about. When you discover this for yourself, you’ll know exactly why!

But that's not what this post is about.

Continue Reading

Am I Not Meant to Find Love?

A drawing depicting a man and a woman getting married against a white background with a red slash through it symbolizing she is not meant to find love.
I always wanted a husband and family, but what if it's not meant for me?

One of our beautiful readers, Annie, is heartbroken after a recent break up, and is questioning whether she's just not meant to ever be in a loving relationship.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

It's been less than two months when I broke up with my ex who lied to me just about everything and cheated on me with number of people. In fact the 10 months he made me believe he loved me, he never did while I was in love with him.

He was honestly the worst person I've met. He broke my heart, took an advantage of me and it still hurts a lot.

Since then I have slowly started healing but this break up has made me almost lose hope sometimes.

I'm 35 almost 36 and not getting any younger.

I have also met not only one but many wrong guys and although some people always say I'm a relationship type person I seem to be alone year after year.

The last relationship being the tip of the ice berg of him taking advantage of me, of wrong person since I had been alone for a very long time before that also only having short 3 month things with other wrong people.

He chose wrong and it was unfair 'cause I am not like the others.

I'd rather be alone and happy than be trying to find someone through online dating or going to nightclubs and bars to look for someone. I don't need someone to hug me just for fun. If I ever meet someone it is because we share something in our hearts and that now brings me to question my life.

What if I am just not the relationship type of person?Continue Reading

The Advice You Won't Hear Anywhere Else

Dice depicting the question of should I stay or should I go?
Should I stay or Should I go? It's always your choice.

Among all the voices that say "leave him", "dump him", etc., there lies the reality of you.

The loving, giving beautiful soul you are that knows exactly what you "should" do. They make it sound so simple, but it doesn't feel anything like simple to you. It feels heartbreaking, and so very sad, and not at all what you want to do.

How do I just walk away from someone I love?

Yes, exactly. How do any of us? It's the question you want to know the answer to.

Oh your friends have so much advice for you. In fact, even complete strangers only have to hear a few minutes of your situation before they have the same advice to offer you. How can you stay with someone who gives you so little of his time? How can you want to be with someone who can't give you a straight answer as to when, let alone if, he might someday be ready to commit to you?

They  make it sound so easy, so simple, but to you with so much of your heart, your life and your time invested, it's anything but easy.

In fact, it's the hardest thing you ever tried to do.

And how can it not be? He promised so much. He gave you so many reasons to believe. He made you feel like he was on the same page as you. He talked about the same things. He said he wanted the same things.

He made you feel like all that was missing was you.Continue Reading

Small Changes, Big Differences

2015 is your year for finding love.
Let's make 2015 the year to have the kind of love you want!

Welcome to 2015, gorgeous! I hope that you had a wonderful holiday season celebrating love, joy, and abundance in whatever method you've chosen for your life.

As you know, I love the feeling of freshness, change and the endless possibilities for positive transformation that the idea of a new year brings.

But as much as I’ll always be the eternal optimist, I've also come to see the necessity of bringing in that realist perspective as well, and so I know that this idea of making huge changes in our lives all at once can seem overwhelming and a bit daunting.

And it also sets us up for one thing, and one thing only:

Failure.

So today I want to give you a few thoughts that will help you avoid failure this year by changing your mindset right from the start.

The key to any kind of lasting change is something that you've heard me talk about a lot here on the blog:Continue Reading

Is Your Programming Holding You Back?

A beautiful woman is holding a picture frame in front of herself.
It's time to let the world see the real you!

I'll be the first to agree that sometimes our "aha" moments come to us in the most unusual of places.

Like recently, when I was sitting in the audience at our local high school annual holiday concert.  Listening to the beautiful music being played and sung by these talented young students in the band, the choir, and the orchestra, I realized I had lived my own student years in all the wrong places.

Here in this place where the music touched my soul and made me feel like everything was all right in the world (and especially with me!) it all suddenly became so clear.

With a clarity I never had before, I realized exactly what happened during those formative years that now seem so long ago.

You see, without even knowing it, the words from my older, popular sister (who I secretly aspired to be like) had influenced where I went, where I didn't go, who I was friends with, and who I wasn't friends with.

Five years before me, when my older sister entered high school and had the option to choose band and choir or art and drama, I had overheard her and her friends referring to all the kids who took art and drama as cool and popular, while the ones taking band and choir were described as the opposite.

I never forgot their words.Continue Reading

Will He Ever Want a Committed Relationship With Me?

Friend Zone word cloud.
How can I get out of the Friend Zone?

One of our beautiful readers, who has called herself "Sleepless in Seattle", is wondering if the guy she's interested in will ever want a committed relationship with her, or if he just wants to be friends.

Here's her email:

Dear Jane,

I need help with this guy.

We met each other about three months ago in a play that we were both a part of, and I liked him immediately. After a couple months of being just casual acquaintances, we began messaging over Facebook.  After we began messaging, we messaged practically every night for hours for about two weeks.

He even said twice in a joking way, "Why don't we just get married already?"

Then, we hung out together with a mutual friend at the movies. Then we finally hung out alone and I felt serious chemistry between us. He was always hugging me, staring at me, touching my hands, smiling.

Then, I told him that I had feelings for him.Continue Reading